Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

ROMESH: Jesus.

BANGING ON WINDOW

Out.

What is your name?

Romesh Ranganathan. I'm a comedian from the UK.

What are you doing here?

Um... well, I am going to countries that are sort of...

Because of their reputation, people don't tend to go to,

and I'm going to be visiting Haiti, Ethiopia and Albania.

Really? Why? Why, why would you do that?

LAUGHTER

I mean, he's got a point. Why can't I go somewhere like Australia?

Because Dara O' Briain did a show there.

OK, What about Thailand?

Karl Pilkington's been there.

Well, we're stuck. Properly stuck.

Not like Top Gear,

"Let's see if the Land Rover Disco can make it out of the snow" stuck,

we are actually stuck. Vietnam?

Jack Whitehall went there with his dad.

Of course he bloody did.

I think camping's for knobs.

The whole reason do we have inside that is not to be outside.

So why are we outside?

Nepal? Michael Palin.

Cuba? Michael Palin.

Brazil? Michael Palin.

Jesus Christ, Michael bloody Palin.

Did you see that out there?

I think it might be what's left of my dignity.

I mean, my intention is to fully immerse myself in the country

and the culture.

Is Ethiopia...all about famine?

Is Haiti all about poverty and earthquakes?

Is Albania just bleak and Communist?

If it's shit, I'll tell you it is shit.

It is genuinely one of the most incredible places

I've ever been in my life.

That was horrible, I hate Albania, man.

HE LAUGHS

Right. Is your mum coming?

No. Why would my mum be coming?

Is your mum coming?

CREW MEMBER: What do you know about Albania at the moment?

Bleak is the word I associate most with Albania.

It just sounds... Albania. I'm going to Albania.

It doesn't make... It doesn't work as a sentence.

Does it? I am aware of the idea of, like,

sort of, Albanian, sort of, criminals, gangsters

or whatever in London. But, like, I associate Albania with communism

and I associate communism with the old footage I have seen

from the USSR.

They like an aggressive flag.

Their flag is like two griffins fucking.

Um... any famous Albanians?

Let me Google it.

Jim Belushi?

What?

Albania is known as the land of Eagles...

No way, dude.

..for who else but an eagle could ever dream

of having mountains this beautiful?

What he's saying doesn't make any sense.

Who else but an eagle could have imagined these mountains?

What are you talking about?

Comments are disabled for this video.

I'm not BLEEP surprised(!)

Isn't that the same plane again?

As you can see, Albania is on the Adriatic coast,

sandwiched between Greece, a popular and nice place to visit,

and Croatia, a popular and nice place to visit.

It was my task to find out why James Belushi had struggled to convince

the world that Albania was a viable alternative.

I was due to be met by Erjona,

a local TV presenter and newsreader who would look after me

and show me the sights.

Hey, it's him! Hey! Hello!

Welcome to Albania. How are you? I'm good, thank you.

Hello. Wow, this is amazing.

Hello. Hello. While, this is so nice.

It's Erjona. Hello. Hello, you're Erjona? Yes.

Hello, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

I have heard so much about you.

This is so nice. Let's go. All right, let's go, yeah.

So, who are these people?

I am so sorry it is raining, really.

Because usually we have wonderful weather. Right, guys? ALL: Yes!

There is a lot of these flags, aren't there?

You like that two-headed eagle, don't you? Yes.

You are a big fan of that.

Because this is Albania, land of the Eagles.

Yeah. What's that? Can you do that?

Can you do that? Yeah, that. This is the eagle.

Right. This is our national symbol.

Yeah. Do you do that? Yes.

It is Albanian.

Can you do that at immigration instead of a passport? Immigration?

Yeah. I don't... When you're coming through. I don't understand this.

On first impressions, Albania did seem kind of bleak.

But Erjona, and whoever her entourage were, did their best

to make me feel welcome, giving me a crash course in Albanian culture.

THEY SING IN ALBANIAN

ROMESH ATTEMPTS TO COPY THEM

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Here is the hotel. This is very nice.

Bye-bye. Love you. Bye.

I will have to go because I have some work to do.

Oh, OK. But I have something for you.

Here it is. It's a map of the city.

What sort of things should I look for?

Look, there are a lot of things, but don't miss the Pyramid.

It's very nice. It's unique. Pyramid. OK? OK, cool. OK.

Thank you. See you later. See you, bye.

It is pretty nice, isn't it? This isn't what I was expecting.

CREW MEMBER: How was your drive in?

I don't think my energy is very Albanian.

Um... at one point one of them asked Erjona,

is British humour funny?

And that is based on being in the vehicle with me.

So that's not great.

But, um...

But it's nice, yeah, they are very nice, very nice.

Erjona asked me to meet her later in the day at her TV studio, and so,

feeling slightly abandoned, I set off into the city with my map.

Currently on a brown face count of one,

and that is because I have just seen my reflection in this window.

It wouldn't surprise me,

based on the level of ethnic diversity I've seen here,

that these people think you are filming me,

just because I happen to be a brown man in Albania.

Pyramid?

Great, thank you.

CREW MEMBER: So, what are you doing?

Well, essentially, this piece is...pointless

because I have come to a pyramid but I don't know what it's for.

So now I am having to switch on data roaming,

and find out what this is for. First thing that comes up,

pyramid schemes in Albania. I don't think that's what I am looking for.

As recently as 1990, Albanians were almost completely cut off

from the outside world, like an Eastern European North Korea,

under the control of the brutal Stalinist dictator Enver Hoxha.

For four decades, almost nobody visited.

Foreign music and films were outlawed.

Even owning a car was illegal.

By the time the regime collapsed,

Albania was virtually a third-world state,

isolated and lagging years behind its neighbours.

Oh, here we go, here we go, guys.

So, I am going to deliver... Do you want me to deliver this as if I've

internalised the information? Yeah. OK, fine.

Hoxha, the Communist dictator, this was built

by his daughter and son-in-law.

Was then... Oh, shit. ..a convention centre, and then a nightclub.

But now it is currently unused.

But it is a wonderful place for the Albanians to come visit

and sometimes they climb up the side of the Pyramid.

How is it? I don't think I want to go much further, mate.

Why not? It's really slippery.

Erjona? You made it. Hello.

Hi. How are you? Welcome.

Good, thank you. Here's Romesh. Hello. Hello.

And I will show you the studio of my daily show.

Oh, you do a daily show?

Yeah, from Monday til Friday.

Oh! And here is the studios. Hello. Romesh, Alban. Alban.

Lovely to meet you. Alban?

Yeah. Like Albania, Alban. So we have to be live in ten minutes.

Right, OK... You have to sit there.

I have to sit there? Yes, yes. Because you are the guest, man.

Yes, sorry. What... What...?

Is it honestly live?

Is this live? Yes.

And how me people watch this? Millions.

CREW MEMBER: What is the show like? It looks a bit like The One Show.

It is The One Show, with a chef.

Guys, we are ready in two minutes.

Ready?

Our director has to tell me...

THEY SPEAK ALBANIAN

Romesh Ranganathan, welcome. Welcome. Thank you, thank you.

OK, we are talking in Albanian, so...

We just introduced you.

Oh, great. To the public, of course.

What did you say? That you are very famous

and you came from UK to explore Albania.

I have seen your videos on YouTube.

In another interview, you said that you were a rapper, I think. No.

I did a bit... No.

I like hip-hop.

We were really hoping something, to improvise here.

Rap something here. For the Albanian public.

Nothing? Listen, I really want you to know that I am really grateful

to be here, but the idea I would rap now here is absolutely unacceptable.

Don't get so serious, please.

Are you upset? No.

No, it is the British humour.

Oh, my God. I almost got it!

I don't think I've got a future in this country.

I don't mean as a visitor, I mean as an act.

Erjona told me the people in the gallery were saying to her,

in her earpiece, what's wrong with him? Why does he look so bored?

Is he going to do anything? That was me at top, top performance level.

Basically, I thought I was just, sort of, being myself,

and they thought I looked like somebody who was going on a TV show

just after a bereavement.

I was expecting him to be, you know, more enthusiastic.

I mean, he seems so asleep!

It was a bad start. During the advert break,

Alban even made me drink some raki to try and gee me up.

How strong is this? Strong.

They thought I was giving so little that they thought

there might be something wrong with me.

So I, sort of, stepped it up after the break.

You like the smell? Oh, it smells delicious.

It is going to get more delicious right now.

Wow! What is that?

Yes, yes. Woo! Get that in there! What happened to him?

What did you do? You told him, you are so...

You look bored. I am having great fun.

We have got seven bits of asparagus, six tomatoes.

What more can you want? And they are on the vine!

Mm!

Tell you what, if there was some, like, shaved carrot.

I would lose my mind. Oh, my God!

That's what you've got there!

LAUGHTER

HE WHOOPS ENTHUSIASTICALLY

Oh, my God.

I am just dreading this going out,

because I know what is going to happen.

My Twitter timeline will be full of people going, "I tell you what,

"that is one thing I agree with the Albanians,

"he's not funny at all.

"That is not just an international problem, love.

"I think he's shit in Britain."

And all that kind of stuff. I look forward to that happening.

Thank you.

I had spent the night worrying that my performance may have resulted

in Erjona being sacked for her show being cancelled.

Hey. Hello. Morning. Morning.

But the following day, she turned up at the hotel us planned,

and drove us towards the coast,

possibly planning to throw my body into the sea.

She told me we would spend the week seeing everything Albania

had to offer, from cities to remote villages.

From hills to mountains.

We would start with a road trip to the seaside.

Oh, look, here is the Pyramid.

Yeah. Did you like it?

Uh... I did like it... Unfortunately, now is a little bit

destroyed, and it seems very old.

It is very old. Well, where I am now, like, the bars...

The hotel? Yeah.

But the hotel itself, but also the bars, the restaurants,

cafes and stuff like that.

They are nice, of course.

And the people are nice, for sure.

Oh, the people are the friendliest I've come across.

So, your director thought I was a bit bored, I looked bored yesterday.

Yeah. They were saying, "What's wrong with him?"

And I said, "Nothing, he is like that."

Yeah, sorry about that. Like that? A comedian like that?

THEY LAUGH

Erjona drove extremely slowly, giving us ample time to chat.

She told me that after the collapse of the Communist regime

Albanian's faced years of extreme poverty. Millions fled.

Those that remained suffered through a massive pyramid scheme that

almost bankrupted the country, and a vicious civil war.

Albania was experiencing very difficult years back then.

Especially in 1997, a lot of people got killed.

Bullets were flying.

The efforts to rebuild have been severely hampered by the continuous

drain of young talent.

Nearly a third of Albanians now live abroad.

Have you ever wanted to leave the country, then?

Sometimes, yes. It is a daily discussion in my family.

Really? Yeah, because my husband wants to leave the country.

Where does he want to go? He wants to go to Germany or US.

Right. Meanwhile, I am not convinced.

This country has a lot of problems, for sure, but if we all leave,

who is going to be here?

Who is going to be left? It is my country and, believe me,

some parts of this country are amazing.

We proceeded through the beautiful countryside.

I'm sorry, it wasn't actually beautiful, was it?

I mean, it was a motorway. Try this.

We continued along a road that looked like the M1 in 1970.

And after a few hours,

pulled over for lunch at a place called Ali Kali.

What is this? It's a restaurant.

OK, fine. Cool.

This is it? We are eating here?

Yeah. Cool.

You like it or not? I love it.

It's my favourite thing. In the middle of nature.

Yeah. I thought, since you saw a little bit of Tirana...

Yeah. ..we don't have in Albania just high buildings and concrete

everywhere. And I thought you maybe would enjoy a little of nature.

Yeah.

This is really nice.

Gezuar. Gezuar. Cheers. Gezuar.

Um...

I just... Um...

Well, I am seeing what this place is about now.

Oh, beautiful horses.

The little one, especially.

Is it nice? It's very nice, yeah.

SHE LAUGHS

Faleminderit.

Oh, fantastika. Fantastika, faleminderit.

Faleminderit. Speak English? Yes.

Careful.

SHE LAUGHS

It's hilarious, no? Um...

It's amazing, yeah.

HE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God, that's...

It's one of the most pointless things I have ever seen.

I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong.

But it's a lot of effort, isn't it?

I mean, it's a bit weird.

How do the horses feel about it?

You know he is really famous?

He is famous all over the country

for his affection and how much he takes care of his horses.

Everybody knows Ali Kali.

He's a celebrity. I can imagine.

Oh, my God. Wow, what is this?

Fish. And you see the small horse?

Yes, I see the... Yes.

Is he sort of doing waiter training, is he?

SHE CHUCKLES

I forgot to tell him that you are vegan.

No. But that's OK, I'll eat around it.

How's the fish? Oh, it's amazing. Is it?

It's a pity you can't taste it. But believe me, it's so fresh.

I can't believe it is as good as this bread and cabbage.

THEY LAUGH

Thank you very much!

So, do you know a game called I-spy?

I-spy? I-spy is where I'll see something...

Uh-huh. ..and then I say "I spy with my little eye,

"something beginning with..."

OK, got it. When you guess correctly,

we celebrate and it is the adrenaline rush you get from it.

SHE LAUGHS

I see. I spy with my little eye,

something beginning with...

Uh...

S.

S... Yeah. It's not a stop? It's not a stop sign? Yes!

I got it! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my God! Well done!

Whoo! Do you feel the buzz?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is very nice when you really find it.

Well done.

Oh, wow.

The sea. Look at this! Erjona.

We finally arrived at the Cape of Rodon,

which Erjona assured me is one of the most stunning and beautiful beaches in Albania.

This is what it would look like in the summer.

You see, it is nice.

Yeah, it is very nice. You have something similar in UK?

Uh, yes. People that are sort of very depressed kind of jump off somewhere very much like that.

SHE LAUGHS

At least... No...

I'm only taking the piss. It is actually very picturesque.

Nobody ever jumped here. No.

No, don't worry. And what are these things over here?

What? These bunker things?

Oh, the bunkers. Bunkers.

Oh, that is something you could see all over the country.

Between 1960 until 1980,

Enver Hoxha's regime built more than 750,000 bunkers.

He was obsessed with the idea that the enemy might come from the sea

and invade the country. We have so many bunkers.

We have one bunker for every four people.

Really? Yeah, swear.

So, what do they use the bunkers for now?

They have been transformed in restaurants, bars, or even museums.

Some of them, just destroyed or left like that.

It would be quite handy for us if somebody was selling umbrellas from that one.

Brollies. Umbrellas.

I don't get it.

THE SEA ROARS

The sea is talking to us.

Yeah. It's saying, you picked the wrong day to come.

SHE LAUGHS

Exactly.

THEY YELL

Oh, my God! It's freezing! Oh, my God!

Argh!

Argh! Oh, my God!

Argh.

Argh.

That was horrible. Horrible. That was horrible.

I hate Albania, man.

Oh, my God.

Our brush with hypothermia done with, Erjona,

who was cheating by wearing a wet suit, drove us back to Tirana.

And to a bar, where my testicles dropped back out of my body.

Hi. Hi.

THEY LAUGH

At least we are warmer now.

I know. Feeling good?

Uh... I don't know about good.

It was pretty crazy, that.

Something I will never ever forget.

Yeah, something I will never ever repeat.

SHE LAUGHS

For sure. Cheers, man.

Cheers. To your adventure in Albania. Thank you.

But we're getting along now, right?

You have got used to the Britishness of me?

Yeah, exactly. And I'm getting more the British humour.

Are you? Yes.

Are you starting to find me funny at all?

A little. A little.

Let's have this one. Cheers.

Gezuar. Gezuar. Gezuar.

Oh, Jesus!

HE SPLUTTERS

Fucking spicy!

I need some water.

It's a spicy raki.

You want to get him killed or what?

The worst...

That is... What was it like?

It was fucking... Fucking spicy!

It burns.

That was horrible!

SHE GROANS

CREW MEMBER: What did it taste like?

If he said to me, "We call that petrol," I would not be surprised.

Mm. Mm. Bomb.

HE LAUGHS

Holy shit. Yeah.

Two more!

SHE LAUGHS

Raki aside, I was definitely beginning to warm to Albania.

The next morning, Erjona met me at my hotel to outline her plans for the day.

I've got to be honest...

Chilling out in a nice hotel, drinking, relaxing, I actually sort of feel...

You are enjoying it? Yeah, I'm loving it.

I actually feel... quite pampered by it all.

It feels kind of like I'm having a five-star trip.

It's nice. Yes,

but we are going to experience today the real old traditional Albania.

And the old Albania is even more luxurious?

No, no. It does not...

Even more decadent.

No. It doesn't have to do with luxury.

Even more... It doesn't have to do with luxury? No, no. Let's go in the countryside.

I'm open to it. No, I'm up for it.

Trust me?

To a degree, yes, I do, sure.

OK.

Things were going well.

It was a good feeling, but uneasy.

Like that uncertain calm just before a stranger kicks you in the balls.

Despite my fears, I tried to stay outwardly positive.

This is actually, do you know, honestly,

with the sun like this, this is lovely.

Yeah, it is. We love to drive this...

..this road. So, one of the guys at the hotel...

Mm? ..I was chatting to,

he said to me that the saying that you have here is,

there is no crime in Albania because they've all gone to Britain.

It's true that some criminals went to UK.

Especially because of so many Albanians pretended to be

Kosovo refugees escaping war.

Right. And so UK opened doors, of course.

But they didn't check and control all these people,

are they really Albanian or they are from Kosovo?

Yesterday, a friend of mine said, "Do you want to go out tomorrow?"

And I said, "I can't, I'm in Albania."

And he replied, "Don't get kidnapped by any gangs."

Really? Yeah.

I think that is a general...

Perception. Perception, yeah.

Is that there is loads of gangs here...

Yeah. And there is loads of Albanian gangs in the UK.

And Albanians love gangs.

SHE LAUGHS

The two things they love - communism and gangs.

Oh, my God!

That's funny. That's hilarious.

No, really. Yes, there are Albanian gangs,

but aren't gangs everywhere in the world?

I mean, it's not something that it's daily happening.

So, in your daily life, you have never had any gang issues?

No. Never, ever.

We arrived at a sparsely inhabited village of around 100 people called Skenderaj.

Skenderaj. Skenderaj. Cool. You said it good.

Skenderaj. Skenderaj. Skenderaj.

Uh-huh. Skenderaj.

SHE LAUGHS

Good. Good.

Skenderaj. You got it. I just thought...

Great. Look. Isn't it beautiful, right?

Yes, yes.

It's breathtaking. It is breathtaking, yeah.

Smell the air. Fantastic.

So, I have to go to take care of my show, and you'll stay here.

And I think you will have a wonderful night.

You are giving me a lot of bullshit about hospitality and then just

abandoning me here. No!

You wanted to explore Albania, man, right?

Yeah, but not on my own. This is part of Albania.

OK, fine. I am very excited, thank you.

You go, you better head off. Bye-bye.

Drive safely. Yeah, I will.

I would hate for you to run out of fuel halfway down.

Get stranded.

DOOR SHUTS AND IGNITION START

HOOVES CLATTER

Rom? Yes. Come?

OK.

Is this for me?

Oh, we're just going.

What's your name? No. No. OK.

I suppose, like the first time I did Live At The Apollo,

it sort of felt too soon, do you know what I mean?

But then the second time, I kind of felt ready for it.

It's difficult because you move from ten-minute sets and then you go on to 20-minute sets.

But my ultimate sort of dream would be in a film or something, you know?

Like, a funny film. Like a Judd Apatow film or something, you know?

DOGS BARK

Hello.

Romesh.

HE SPEAKS ALBANIAN

I'm Amir. Amir?

HE SPEAKS ALBANIAN

Hello, I'm Romesh.

Falemenderit?

HE SPEAKS ALBANIAN

In recent years, a small trickle of tourists have started coming to

this area to hike in the hills.

But no-one here speaks English, so although she dumped me here,

Erjona was kind enough to leave me with an interpreter.

HE SPEAKS ALBANIAN

OK. Follow me, he says.

All right, follow you? OK.

She'd arranged for me to stay overnight with this family of shepherds

so I could get a taste of life in rural Albania.

SHEEP BLEAT

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me, mate.

Is this your sort of lifestyle?

Yeah, it's sort of something I've always wanted to do.

It sort of feels like a dream come true in many ways.

No, I don't... Erjona's just dropped me off here to be a shepherd for the night.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I briefly wondered if this might be Erjona's revenge for almost getting her TV show canned.

They tasked me with helping out the family's eldest son, Fatmir,

who has lived in the village his entire life and now runs a small farm with his wife and two children.

So, is this quite relaxing for you, standing out here with the sheep?

Addicted? Nice.

We've all got our vices.

HE WHISTLES

What are you doing now, with the whistling?

HE WHISTLES

Wow!

That was actually genuinely impressive.

Spending some time out here, it is genuinely beautiful.

It is so, so gentle and nice,

the way that he was dealing with the sheep.

HE WHISTLES

But my favourite thing was the "bhush."

Bhush...

Bhush. Bhush. Easy now.

Which sort of gets them all...

HE LAUGHS

He was worried that I'd get muddy,

but I looked at them and I thought, they don't seem to have that much on them.

But within 15-20 minutes of working with them,

I realised that my entire back is covered in sheep shit.

And I've got no idea how it happened.

It looks like

I picked up one of the sheep

and wiped its arse on my back.

Gezuar. Cheers. Gezuar.

INDISTINCT

So, have your family been in this area for a long time?

Were you born here?

And every generation is shepherds?

So, are they happier now?

They are definitely happier now.

With more...freedom.

Right.

Oh, OK.

The family were incredibly hospitable,

and although the raki tasted like burning piss,

I was beginning to relax.

HE COUGHS

At that point, Fatmir appeared with a shotgun.

What is he saying? Go with him? CREW MEMBER: Yeah, follow him.

You wanted to help, right?

Why has he got a gun?

I did briefly wonder if they were

going to sacrifice me to the sheep gods.

What's going on?

Go and shoot it?

DOGS BARK

I strongly suspected that Fatmir was winding me up.

On the other hand, I didn't want to risk all the family sheep being

devoured by a ravenous killer wolf, so I set out into the darkness,

like Rambo with a lazy eye.

HE WHISPERS: He's taking the piss.

He must be.

This is insane.

Woof.

I'm not going to find... I'm not actually...

This is bullshit. Wolf!

Bear!

CREW MEMBER: Stop waving it around!

I don't know what I'm doing!

HE WHISPERS: Did you see that up there?

Just there.

I think it might be what remains of my dignity.

What the fuck?

Hello. Hello.

Wolf patrol. Why you film?

Hm?

Film? Film, yeah.

It's called The End of Romesh Ranganathan's Career.

Erm... Not the mirror.

Cool.

After half an hour, I concluded that it was definitely a wind-up.

Fatmir had got me good, but in the process,

he had succeeded in creating a new racial stereotype.

That bloke that I met

now thinks all brown people are criminals,

because 100% of them that he's met have been holding a gun.

Anyway, I'm going to go find him and shoot him dead, stop him spreading the word.

THEY LAUGH

I did, I did.

Very good. Well done.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, good one, mate.

Oh, God.

My time shepherding had come to an end.

Prost.

We did a quick morning raki shot.

HE COUGHS

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Take care. Bye-bye.

I'm not really one for emotion but...

..they really did go out of their way to sort of look after me.

So it is sad saying goodbye.

I feel a bit guilty for how kind of piss-takey I was about the whole thing,

and then you spend an evening with them and they're all really lovely,

nice people. I feel really ashamed, so, like, it does make you think,

like, I'm so...

I'm so spoilt.

SHEEP BLEAT

Even saying "spoilt" reminded me how keen I was to get back to that five-star hotel.

I headed back to Tirana,

where Erjona had arranged for me to meet another man called Fatmir.

While under communism, everyone in the country had the same level of wealth,

the last 30 years have seen huge gaps emerge

between the richest and poorest Albanians.

Oh, my God!

It is actually amazing.

I tried to put these thoughts to one side as I

climbed into one of the world's most expensive supercars.

Dude! Yeah, come in. This is

unbelievable!

Just put it like that.

OK. What kind of music you like?

Oh, I'm a big hip-hop fan.

But what about you? Really?

MUSIC: Likes That by Geko

I have never in my life been in a car as nice as this one.

ENGINE ROARS

Oh, my God. That never gets boring, right? Yeah.

Fatmir has apparently acquired a reputation

as a bit of an Albanian playboy.

He has an Instagram account featuring pictures of him

climbing into private jets and dating famous models.

I felt conflicted.

Instinctively, I hate anyone who's a young supercar-driving millionaire.

But I also had a burning desire to become Fatmir's new best friend.

Oh, my God. Are you scared, are you scared?

I'm not scared. I get adrenaline, man.

Yes, it's good. It's so good. In your stomach. Yeah, yeah.

Your abdominals, even when you don't have it!

THEY LAUGH

This is your place? Yeah.

Are you just going to leave this here?

Yeah, it's no problem. I'm going to take care of it now.

OK. Oh, thank you.

Fatmir offered to treat me to lunch and show me around the luxury

penthouse he's building.

So, this is my house. Yeah. My penthouse.

Wow!

And this is my room with a view of the city.

It's got to be tough, man.

He explained that, at 25, he is now the CEO

of a family business empire which owns construction companies,

media outlets, hotels and breweries.

Their fortune, which official estimates put at shitloads,

was built from nothing. And this.

This is so nice!

It's so romantic, right? Yeah, this is lovely!

Oh, my God. Your life, man.

You're like the only hip-hop fan I know whose life is actually like one of the videos.

FATMIR CHUCKLES

I am glad to hear that. Oh, thank you very much. Enjoy, sir.

Obviously, you are the vice-president of a family business that has done very, very well.

But, being honest with you,

the British preconceptions about Albanians making money and Albanian

businesses, a lot of people, their immediate thing is,

"What illegal activity led to that money being made?"

Do you know what I mean? Are you aware of that kind of preconception

from...? Yeah, like...

..people are always going to judge, you know?

Some of Albanian people who left the country for England or Italy,

they were survivors.

So they would do anything to survive, to have...

To feed their kids or family.

But the country now is very strong

and it's making the corruption lowering down,

because corruption is in every country in the world.

Yes. But we are just making it, try the best, all of us,

the legit companies to improve other companies.

You're being very humble and everything.

Yeah. But we are eating lunch...

Yeah. ..on the top of your, kind of, building.

Yeah. You've got to admit, this is crazy, right?

I mean, it's insane. Yeah, it's something very nice.

It's better than very nice, man.

It's unbelievable. Though I honestly haven't thought about my wife and

children once since I've been here. I could actually live here.

That's a very bad thing.

I know, it is a bad thing but that's how nice this place is.

I might have to find... So you should come with your wife and children,

so when you come here... Yeah. You can think about them as well. Why ruin a good thing?

So, you met the two Fatmirs? How was it?

Fatmir number one and Fatmir number two couldn't be more different, really.

Fatmir number one, erm, shepherd, erm,

with a basic but lovely home that

he welcomed us in and showed us what his lifestyle was about,

and I suspected that I would like him, you know,

without wanting to bring too many preconceptions about it.

I did also expect to not like Fatmir number two,

who inherited a position in his dad's business, millionaire, like,

living the dream, basically.

But I liked both of them, and both of them are...

..two very good examples of how disparate the population get once communism has gone.

So, how was yesterday?

I'll be honest with you, I felt, I had slight abandonment issues when you went away. Why?

Erm, just because you left me on the mountain, like, on a hill, and you, like, ran away.

But I loved them. They're very nice.

You've seen the city. You've seen the beach.

Yes. You've seen now the village.

But... You sound like the trailer for a movie!

SHE LAUGHS

Isn't it? Yeah.

I think you can't say you've seen Albania without seeing the Alps,

the Albanian Alps.

OK. Cool. I cannot wait to do it.

Ha-ha-ha, "I cannot!"

I'm serious. I'm buzzing.

I know. They're the best.

Yes!

SHE LAUGHS

Arguably my new-found enthusiastic streak was clouding my judgment,

but I was genuinely excited about the trip to Albania's Alps.

Unlike their European neighbours, there are no large ski resorts here,

but I was told there are plans to unlock the vast potential of the area,

which is currently one of the poorest in the country.

With a bit of luck, they, too,

could have hedge fund wankers from Farnham asking for hazelnut syrup

with their soy latte.

How long is this journey?

It's going to be a few hours, I think.

Oh, God! Four more hours.

You didn't tell me that it was going to be like this.

I think it's going to be amazing once we are there, right?

Sure.

Jesus.

The journey was long and entirely off-road.

After two hours on roads even mountain goats would find terrifying,

we reached the snow line and ground to a halt.

We're sort of midway up and now we're stuck.

And... Listen, I...

I don't want to offend you.

No, I'm... Not at all.

I like Albania very much. But there is absolutely no way,

and I mean zero chance, of this being worth it.

There, there cannot be...

It is. It can't be.

It's, it's... Unless... The journey is not over, man.

Unless the Wu-Tang Clan are doing an Alpine gig while I'm getting tugged off,

I can't see how this can be worth it.

I'm not saying the experience is bad.

I'm saying being stuck in the snow.

At least you must admit it's beautiful, right?

Isn't it? It's beautiful, but... Have you ever seen such an amazing thing?

It's nice, it's very nice.

Is it normally this bad? We've managed so far... Yes, so far.

..so we can still manage, right? Yeah,

but I still keep seeing memorials to people that haven't managed.

Unfortunately, yeah, yeah, that's true. We're going to be careful. We're going to be safe.

For the next hour and a half, we inched up the mountain,

the vehicles getting trapped in the snow again roughly every ten metres.

Well, we're stuck, properly stuck, and not like...

..Top Gear, "Let's see if the Land Rover Disco can make it out of the snow" stuck.

We're actually stuck.

Sorry...

Erm, assistance has arrived.

And now the assistance is stuck.

THEY TALK ALBANIAN

So it's getting better and better.

What we're hoping to do is bring the whole country out here to celebrate our deaths.

Don't even start that shit.

Oh!

After the mountain pass, the going was much easier,

by which I mean we were actually moving.

The journey to the small village of Thethi

eventually took seven torturous hours,

leaving me worried about their chances of attracting further tourists here.

It does actually look nice.

It looks. Do they do, like, spinal surgery and stuff here?

SHE LAUGHS

Hello.

Hello, welcome. This is Romesh.

Romesh, how are you? Hello. Nice to meet you. This is lovely.

Oh, my God. Oh!

A little bit of warmth.

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

Getting here was difficult, but, I don't know,

it sort of sounds cliched but there's something kind of magical

about coming into a place with a big, roaring fire.

There's, like, tables full of nice, home-cooked food.

Everybody's drinking beer and having a great time,

start singing songs and stuff.

It actually reminds me of, like, the parties my parents used to have,

like, when, like, in the Sri Lankan community,

where everyone would get round together,

sing old songs from back home and, like, just get into it.

It's great. A really, like, feel-good evening.

CREW MEMBER: So, Rom?

Yes? I think we should go and do the, sort of, get involved thing.

I don't... I just don't think it's good.

Well, it's... People sort of expect you to do things like this.

THEY SING

Sue Perkins, Michael Palin, Stephen Fry,

they all get in and get involved and get carried away with the local...

I'm not doing that, OK? I...

We shouldn't have rented this.

Why don't you pop down with just the hat on?

Well, if I just pop my head round the corner with this on,

what does it look like? I don't even think it looks Albanian.

Why don't you go downstairs...? Look, just look at just the head.

That sort of looks Albanian. OK, I'm not doing this.

Thethi is a tiny village of around 100 homes, surrounded by majestic peaks, which,

as I had learned, render it almost completely inaccessible in winter.

My plan was to sit down and gaze at the snow for the day.

Erjona had other ideas.

What do you want to do? Do you want to ride a horse?

No. Or do you want to ski?

No. Let's go and play out in the snow, if you want.

Do you want to play in the snow?

Sorry, I think, erm, I must tell you...

..I'm a father of three. I'm not eight.

Oh, my God!

I sort of woke up feeling like I'd put yesterday behind me.

It was a horrible journey, but today,

you can't help but be taken aback by the scenery.

The scenery's so beautiful.

I mean, it is sort of natural perfection.

It's one of those things where you can imagine somebody looking out and then going,

"And people say there isn't a God".

You know, it's that kind of thing. It's that,

ticks all the boxes for gobsmacking perfection in terms of scenery.

SHE SCREAMS

You hit me in the face, you great...!

I think it's sort of a symptom of there not being many, sort of,

ethnic minorities in this country,

that Albanians' humour is, erm, what's the best way to describe it?

"'70s" would be a compliment.

Something black in the middle of this white is amazing!

Is amazing! What the hell are you talking about?

You are so beautiful, I mean, in the middle of the white.

I don't find it offensive.

I just think, "Oh, God, that's a bit weird",

but it's because she just isn't used to sort of...

..people of colour.

Please, let me take a picture.

Wow! Oh, my God!

This is sort of...

I... It's difficult because I find it a compliment, but also racially offensive.

No, no... It's a mixed feeling. It's a compliment,

I swear. OK, thank you. It's a compliment.

The truth is, British people have picked up nuances because we're in

a multicultural society.

Albanians aren't.

It doesn't work! I can tell.

SHE LAUGHS

Just as I was starting to enjoy myself,

we got the news that there was a snowstorm coming in.

I had absolutely no intention of getting trapped in Thethi,

so four hours into our first day, we drove all the way back down again.

I had been in Albania for a week.

There had been highs and lows and...

"Highs and lows"? Mate, I'm not reading that.

As the final stage of our journey,

Erjona announced that we would stop off and check out one of those

Communist-era bunkers. Something on the bucket list of literally no-one,

not even Communists.

You see? Oh, this is cool,

a depressing little side road that looks like it leads to our deaths.

But look. Oh, a bunker!

Yay, the bunker!

I'm half expecting to see, like, Luke Skywalker in or something.

THEY SPEAK ALBANIAN

Jesus. Oh, my God.

This is Rom.

THEY CHUCKLE

Hello, mate. Hello, how are you doing? Romesh, how are you doing? Nice to meet you.

OK. Rom, Rom, Rom. Rom, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. So what is this?

Well, we do... He's a tattoo artist. You're a tattoo artist? Yes!

We do tattoos and oil paintings and things like that.

Erm... Erjona took me into this bunker,

and the initial sort of image as you walk in is genuinely frightening.

It's just sort of a guy surrounded by some of the most terrifying imagery

I've ever seen. I mean, you walk in and on the left-hand side,

there is an angel having her throat ripped out by a demon.

I didn't know whether to ask him or not, I just sort of brushed past it.

HE WHISPERS: That's him.

Well, you know that because you were filming inside, weren't you?

HE LAUGHS

Are you interested in doing a tattoo?

Me, now? Yeah.

Erm... Erm, yeah...

Erm...

SHE LAUGHS

What do you want to make? Well, I've got an idea.

What I'd quite like right here...

OK. You know, like...

..the two-headed eagle?

OK, you want to do the Albanian...? One of those right here.

OK, I got it. The Albanian eagle?

Yeah. Really?

Just here. Head here.

OK. Bottom here.

You know what I mean? Does that make sense?

Do you think you could do that? Yeah.

SHE WHISPERS: Does it hurt?

No. Really?

Why did you decide to get that design?

Well, I just thought, commemorate the trip.

I was under time pressure, you know.

It's nice. I just thought, you know, I've liked, enjoyed my time in

Albania. Why not...get this done and...

And otherwise we don't have an ending to this bunker bit.

NEEDLE BUZZES

Done. See, that looks cool.

My wife is going to be so impressed

when she finds out I decided to do this. Wow!

My tattoo was intended to celebrate our amazing journey together,

the ultimate tribute to a country I had genuinely come to love.

Erjona, you're up.

Erjona reciprocated by getting her daughter's name done.

That's how much it hurts. Yeah?

It hurts. Oh, stop crying.

Stop crying?!

HE LAUGHS

Can you do me a favour? Could you

add "Ranganathan"?

SHE LAUGHS

Back in the capital,

it was decided that I should attempt to climb Tirana's famous pyramid

again, symbolically coming full circle, or some such bollocks.

CREW MEMBER: Good? I mean, it's slightly...

I mean it does slightly take the gloss off it,

being filmed from the top.

It undermines it a little bit, doesn't it? But...

I conquered what many people in Albania are calling

the least-challenging climb in the country.

I sort of arrived in Albania kind of thinking...

Well, I associated Albania with Communism, sort of,

being quite bleak, gangsters, etc.

And when you're looking at your different criteria for where you want to go,

potential for criminal gangs and Communist bleakness is going to knock Albania out of that for you.

But Albania's moved beyond that.

I'd argue that you feel safer walking around than you would do in London.

It's got everything you could sort of want from a trip,

depending on what type of holiday you want.

You want to come and have a city break? Tirana's got it.

You want to go to the beach? Albania's got it. You want to go to the mountains?

Albania's got it. It's got all of that.

Yes, it's a little bit behind because of Communism.

Yes, it's a little bit rough around the edges and they...

You haven't got all of the cutting-edge mod cons that you might do in some other places.

But if you're willing to forgive that,

and you're keen on coming to a place that has suffered from preconceptions

and people's sort of historical prejudices against the place,

then it's an amazing place to come.

My time in Albania was nearly at an end

and I headed to the studio to say my goodbyes.

Erjona's show hadn't been axed, and so one week after my first

shambolic appearance on Albanian TV, I found myself back on air.

Romesh Ranganathan. Welcome again.

Welcome back.

Hello. Thank you so much for having me back.

How do you feel about Albanians?

Erm, I love it.

I love Albania.

Despite Erjona, I really have been able to enjoy the country.

You know, we did some amazing things. It has the friendliest,

most welcoming people I've ever come across.

Because I've enjoyed my time so much come here, can you see that?

No way! I've just literally had this freshly done.

No way. So that is the Albanian flag.

Eagle. Eagle. Eagle, yeah. The two-headed eagle.

Yeah. And of course, the other thing we did was we drank a lot of raki.

I mean, lots of different types, spicy, black...

The spicy, next time I come back,

I'm going to campaign strongly to make that illegal because...

..it's horrible. But everything else was great. OK.

SHEEP BLEAT

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