All language subtitles for The Misadventures of Romesh s01e01 Haiti.eng

This programme contains
some strong language

Hey!

Out! Go!

Hey!

What is your name?
Romesh Ranganathan,

a comedian from the UK.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm going to countries, that
sort of

because of their reputation,
people don't tend to go to,

and I'm going to be visiting
Haiti, Ethiopia and Albania.

Really? Why?

Why would you do that?

LAUGHTER

I mean, he's got a point.

Why can't I go somewhere like
Australia?

Cos Dara O Briain did a show about
that.

OK, what about Thailand?

Karl Pilkington's been there.

Temperatures in the Albanian Alps

will range between
minus 5 and minus 10.

I've got it, I won't strip down.

Jack Whitehall went there
with his dad.

Of course he bloody did.

Ethiopian roads are some of the
worst in the world, Ron.

Road traffic accidents
are really, really common.

Michael Palin.

Michael Palin.

Michael Palin.

Jesus Christ, Michael bloody Palin.

THEY YELL

WHISPERS: Did you see that out
there?

I think it might be what's left of
my dignity.

I mean, my intention is to fully
immerse myself

in the country and the culture.

Is Ethiopia...

..all about famine?

Is Haiti all about poverty and
earthquakes?

Is Albania just bleak and communist?

If it's shit,
I'll tell you it's shit.

It is genuinely one of the most
incredible places

I've ever been in my life.

That was horrible, I hate Albania,
man.

Right. Is your mum coming?

No. Why would my mum be coming?

Is your mum coming?

My understanding of Haiti is,
it's hot.

Er...

There was an earthquake there about
eight years ago,

and they like voodoo.

Yeah, that's it.

According to this,

it's been called the poorest country
in the Western Hemisphere.

President Trump called it
a shit-hole.

I don't think I've heard a positive
news story out of Haiti.

This happened cos it's violent
there, there's an earthquake happened,

there's looting afterwards - none
of those things that you associate with

Haiti as a result of what you're
seeing on the news

makes you want to go there.

Holy shit! Cite Soleil is a
red flag zone.

The gangs no longer rule,
but murder, rape, kidnapping,

looting and shootings are still
common.

I tell you what, if they're going to
change my attitude towards whether

you should visit there, it's going
to have to have a hell of a view.

OK, you rolling?

I travel from London to the Haitian
capital, Port-au-Prince.

Haiti lies in the middle of the
Caribbean, surrounded by Jamaica,

Cuba and the Bahamas.

For some reason, just over
half a million tourists

visited Haiti last year.

Five million went to the
Dominican Republic,

including my uncle.

But, having spent the 14-hour flight
imagining the myriad of ways I might

get killed, I arrived in a state of
high alert.

Hello.

How's it going?

Er...

It was going all right until...

..just before I got on the plane,

a woman getting on asked me what
I was doing coming to Haiti and

I just sort of said,
"Recreational trip."

I couldn't be arsed to go into the
details of it.

Then she started telling me how
likely it is I'm going to die.

This is Rom, this is security.

Nice to meet you. Stu.

Hello. Romesh. Security for who?

We've got to go.

Security for me?

Are you shitting me?

OK, let's go.

Everyone I've spoken to about doing
it said that they wouldn't do it.

My wife said she wouldn't do it.

My mum, the night before I got on
the plane last night,

came to my house at 11 o'clock to
give me a blessing

and pray for my safe return.

It sort of was undermined slightly
by the fact she was still

wearing her Royal Mail uniform.

That's a cock, isn't it?

Why would you have this right
at the front?

This is... I mean, that is
genuinely terrifying.

The hotel has just got
a really weird vibe.

Like, really weird.

Do you know anything about voodoo?

Well, I've watched Live And Let Die.

That's kind of...as far
as my research into it has gone.

And what are your impressions of
Haiti so far?

At the moment...

..I'm sort of a bit nervous,
I'll be honest.

CRICKETS CHIRP, DOG BARKS

I was due to meet Jeremy,

a Peabody Award-winning
local journalist

who would show me around and give
me an inside guide to all things Haitian.

Jeremy, how are you doing?
Good, man.

How are you doing?
Yeah, good, thank you.

Basically - I'll level with you -
I'm sort of trying to, er...

..to get as much of an in-depth
insight into Haiti

and the culture and stuff,

but I also, er...

Yeah.
So I've got those two things,

like, contradicting each other.

I mean, what is actually the real
level of danger out there?

I'm not going to say that, you know,
it's, I mean, like,

you will be in a place
that's completely safe,

but Haiti is not, like,
the craziest destination on Earth,

so this is how they always
picture Haiti.

Right. The Cite Soleil?

How bad is that? Would you advise
outsiders to go there?

Let me tell you one thing about...

You might get the impression
I'm obsessed with danger here,

Yeah, well,

I totally understand if this is what
you have in your mind,

but there are normal people, man.
I'm telling you.

All right? There are, like,
regular, normal people

Yeah.

And, like any other place,

if you have 300,000 people in one
poor neighbourhood

with no basic services, living with
less than two dollars a day,

Yeah, yeah.

Of course Haiti has a lot to do
to improve,

but Haiti has all the potential
as well.

To be the, like, next big thing,
you know?

Jeremy had outlined the plan
for the week.

We would be spending the first few
days getting to grips with

Port-au-Prince before heading south
to the beaches at Jacmel.

We would start with a trip to the
area where Jeremy grew up - Solino.

Listen, when I arrived here,
I saw all this.

I'll be honest with you,
it freaked me out.

JEREMY LAUGHS

Seriously. Look at that.

There's a penis with spines on it.

You don't need to be scared, man,
come on!

Not scared, but, like, when you
first arrive at a hotel...

Yeah, this is not the first thing
that you would expect.

Is there a voodoo connection with
penises and nails?

That's just a thing.

No, no. This is just a thing.

You know, some art.

It's just the thing people are going
Yeah.

Yeah, but it's not...

We have the same thing
in the UK with decking.

How are we getting there?
A tap tap?

Yeah.

After you. This is a tap tap?
Yeah, it's a tap tap.

Feels like as soon as we stepped out
of the hotel into this,

it just feels like...

Exactly.

So what is this music
we're listening to now?

Raboday.

Raboday is a very popular music
among the young, so this is

Marinad 007.

Yes.

Maybe you should meet Marinad 007.

Yeah.

I'll organise that.

Are you being serious
right now?

No, I'm serious.

I mean,
I want that CD, man, come on.

This is Solino, right here.
This is where I grew up, man.

This is where you grew up?

Yeah. The crossroad right here,
that very intersection.

You used to have tyre burning,
you know.

People were mad, people protesting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's get off here.

Aha!

HORN HONKS REPEATEDLY

This is where Jeremy grew up,
so he's just sort of showing

me around and introduced me
to a couple of his mates.

What's your impression of it so far?

Just mad.

Inside of here is like
a soccer field.

That's literally where
my house used to be.

Yeah.

Everyone seems very nice,
but it is hectic.

So it's chaos rather than fear.

There's fear of chaos.

It's a lovely neighbourhood,
I mean, you know.

It's a poor neighbourhood...

..obviously. People struggle
to make a dignified living.

People are very creative
in areas like that, you know,

because there's not much
You know? Yeah.

A quarter of the population of Haiti
live in Port-au-Prince,

and it felt uncomfortably hectic.

Maybe because he could sense
I was beginning to shit myself,

Jeremy lined up something
a bit calmer,

making good on his promise
to introduce me to Marinad 007,

the famous local Raboday artist.

Yeah.

Marinad.

This is Marinad.

Nice to meet you.

I heard and loved your song
in a tap tap recently.

JEREMY TRANSLATES

IN OWN LANGUAGE:

So, has his life changed as a result
of that song coming out?

Have you made a lot of money off of
the song?

He's very succinct, isn't he?

A concise guy.

Says a few words.

Is it possible for him to do the
song for us now? No?

Nice one, thank you.
Thank you. Merci.

So, this is where the magic happens,
this is the recording studio.

DRUM MUSIC PLAYS

Spitting the bars fresh once again,
live,

for the man like Romesh and Jeremy,
Yeah.

What do you think of that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good, right? Embarrassing but good.

Yes, yes, Marinad 007!

Ou kwe se mwen

Wi se mwen

Ou kwe se mwen

Wi se mwen

Blode a plase a manzel

Men manzel kite l l al pran
on lepe

Woy

Men madan papa

Gade madan papa

Fanm ki madan papa se fanm
k ap vire ak lepe...

MUSIC STOPS

That was great.

Just how I remembered it
in the tap tap.

Better. Is it possible I can,
like, join him in a little collab?

Do some English bars on there?

You're coming in as well.
No, that's...

Yes, no, yeah. You're coming in
as well.

That's not my shit at all.
No, but you're my guide.

I know, I'm right here. I'll have
I'm not a Raboday expert, myself.

I'm just coming in and
getting involved, man.

I don't know, dude. I don't
sing. I don't have a good voice.

Neither do I.

Yes, yes!

Ou kwe se mwen

Ou kwe se mwen!

Ou kwe se mwen

Ou kwe se mwen!

Blode a plase a manzel

Blode a plase a manzel

Men manzel kite l l al pran on
lepe

Don't know that bit!

Oh, my gosh,
I'm here with Marinad

Romesh, and you know
that I'm superbad

I'm in a mic,
here with the Jeremy

To get me off your mic
you're going to have to bury me

I'm here, I am not Haitian

My name is Romesh Ranganathan

And also I am Asian

I'm killing it with mandem at the
train station!

Yeah, yeah!

Step up to the mic...

I don't know anything on that.

You're just going to make me look
like a moron.

I'm sorry!

Sorry!

ROMESH LAUGHS

Yes!

You're just going to
make me look like a moron.

Thank you so much.
Thank you. Merci.

You were amazing, man.
All right, man.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Jesus.

You were brilliant.

You were. I promise you.

The Raboday music had come as
a welcome surprise.

A few days ago, all I knew of
Haitian culture

was that it's the island that voodoo
is from.

Haitian voodoo is a mix of
Catholicism

and traditional West African
beliefs brought over by slaves.

Despite repeated attempts to wipe
out its influence,

it remains the dominant religion
in Haiti,

with over five million believers.

So, thank you very much
for taking me to Solino.

Solino.

No, Sol-ee-no.

No.

No.

You're saying it wrong
the whole time.

Jesus.
Yeah, Solino.

Yeah. Sol-ee-no. Sol-ee-no.

You see?

Erm...

Mm-hm.

So, basically, when I told my mum
I was coming to Haiti,

she was like, "Oh, my God,
be careful of the voodoo,

"be careful of the voo..."

because she's not
completely clued up on it.

Nor am I. So, what
exactly is voodoo?

First of all, voodoo is a religion.

Voodoo is part of
Haitian culture.

You have so many people with
other faith,

but they still practise voodoo.

And what exactly can you do with it?

I mean, you can cure,
you can curse.

It's all about the spirits.

Like, any voodoo priest can be
possessed by the spirit.

And have you seen this happen?

All the time?

Like, seven months ago, I was in,
like, a voodoo ceremony.

20, 25 people got possessed.

25 people?!

Can I request some voodoo
help?

Every time I'm about to go on
stage doing stand-up,

or just any time in my life when I'm
about to do something challenging...

..I get, like, really sort of
anxious

and I visualise it going
horribly wrong,

and then that freaks me out.

Well, just stop being a pussy, then!

Just stop, you know?
So, that's what I'm asking for.

Is there some sort of thing that
can stop me being a pussy?

I don't know at this point!

I still don't know at this point!

JEREMY CHUCKLES

So, Jeremy said he could hook me up
with a voodoo priest

to help with my anxiety.

We decided to use the hotel phone
to, er...

..give the guy a call and see what
exactly was required,

so we miked up the phone so that we
could catch everything he was saying

and we found out that the phone that
we spent a while miking up

only makes internal calls,

so unless the guy happened to be
staying at this hotel,

it's going to be fairly difficult to
get hold of him.

So, then we decided to call from
a mobile.

It went to voicemail
five or six times.

Yes, it says, "I can't take your
call right now."

When we did get hold of him,

it turns out he's in the middle
of something.

He's in the middle of something now.

How smoothly do you think this is
going, out of ten?

What I would say is, in summary,

that my first experience with voodoo
has been fairly negative.

If anything, it's added
to my anxiety.

The next morning, Jeremy packed me
off to the Iron Market,

which specialises in all things
voodoo

It's like Tesco's,
but for black magic.

Anyway, I was instructed to track
down a guy called Reggie,

who would call the voodoo priest
for me

and help me buy the ingredients
I'd need for

a voodoo ceremony later in the week.

I've experienced stuff like this
before, like, my dad's funeral.

Like, the priests performing
the ceremony for the funeral,

they asked for a number of things
that we had to give

for my dad's journey,

BUT what they asked for was,
like, an umbrella, shoes, a hat,

and I started to think,
"This priest needs a new wardrobe.

"I'm not convinced this is for my
dad's journey to the other side."

This place is mad.

Originally erected in 1891,

the Iron Market was one
of the first structures

to be rebuilt after the earthquake.

It is now seen as an iconic symbol
of the city's rebirth,

home to over 900 vendors.

You seen Reggie? Reggie?

Jesus...

Reggie? Reggie?
Reggie, Reggie, right here.

Yes, sir.

Nice to meet you.

That market...

..is crazy.
Like, it's just so intense.

What can I do for you today?

Well, basically, I need to get some
stuff...

I need to get some bits
and pieces for, like,

OK.

Do you mind, like, showing me around
and, like...?

Thanks.

Come on, let's go this way.
Now, we've got voodoo dolls, OK?

So, what do you do with these dolls?

It depends on which one. You've got
to choose one

and I'll explain it to you,

cos all of them are for
different purposes.

OK, what about this one
with the red...

Are you allowed to point at them?
You can point, you can touch.

What about this one
with the red hair here?

OK, this is Grandmother Brigitte.

She's from the cemetery.

OK. And then what do you do
with this doll?

If you have problem kids,
Yeah.

..you have to go and talk

and give out some sacrifice and do
certain rituals

and ask them to watch over your kids

so that they won't die before
their time.

So she specialises
in sorting out your kids.

Yes, they are spirits, OK?

And the spirits get to transform
themselves, through the power

that they have, to talk to you.
Right.

We also have voodoo flags.

These flags, that's minimal,
that's minimal.

Do these flags all signify
different things?

Right.

For example, right, her.

Yeah, yeah.

They actually exist.

Mermaids exist?

They really exist.

In the ocean.

And what would you get from her?

She specialises in two things -
That's great.

That's a good combination.
Yes!

Reggie's assertion that there are
mermaids in the ocean seemed unlikely...

..but I needed his help to call the
voodoo priest,

so I decided not to
call him out on it.

OK...

SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

One minute. One minute.

Let me get...

I've got a pen. OK, go.

OK. Samedi, c'est ca...

Like that?

Sam... S-A.

No.

S-A-M-E-D-I...

Oh, got you.

OK, put this in English -
"leave me alone".

What the hell is going on?

These are the names of the spells
we're getting.

They have names, you know?

Yeah.

Are you sure this is not just what
he's telling you to do on the phone?

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

HE SHOUTS

No, dog, no!

I think it's going badly.

Tell everybody to back off, OK?
Cos we're trying to hear something.

It's so weird. So, Reggie, he's
showing me around the market stall,

he's, like, "This is this,
this is great."

And then I saw how Reggie deals with
other people

and, I've got to be honest
with you, I found it terrifying.

No, this is the
way we actually...

You sounded like you were really
pissed off.

Well, no. Our language is
really a pissed-off language

Right, right.
But it's not really like this,

you know? It's different.

Yeah, go.

OK. Listen, listen.

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Yeah.

Now do you understand?

Yeah, but that
sounded quite aggressive.

No, it's not aggressive.

OK. Let me just run through this.

Right.
..white string...

..seven brightly
coloured scarves...

..good luck shampoo...

..rum...

Uh-huh.

.."leave me alone" powder...

Uh-huh.
.."what I said goes" powder...

..hurry up powder...

Right.

..golden dream cologne...

Right.

There could be another...

There's another thing
that I don't remember

which one it was.
Let me check it out.

All right, well, let's
go get this stuff. Come on.

In my experience, the best "leave
me alone" shampoo is no shampoo

but Reggie insisted we needed
everything on the shopping list,

and so he led me around the market

playing some sort of
voodoo Supermarket Sweep.

So, I've got all this stuff.

I got myself a little purchase.

It's something that
sort of spoke to me.

You put this up and it protects you.

I got it for a cool, flat $100.

How was the Iron Market?

I would start off by saying

I've never seen anything
like that before.

It's just a very intense experience.

But you didn't feel it, like,
threatening or like,

you know, like, scared?

No, I didn't feel scared.

Oh, that is some progress,
hearing that from you.

You are talking like I've
made a massive breakthrough.

"You've made some progress,

"you managed to walk
through the Iron Market

"without shitting yourself."

We are
going now to the tailor.

Jeremy explained that we were
heading to pick up

some specially
tailored Haitian clothes.

Before flying out, I'd been asked
to supply my suit measurements

as part of what I presumed

was going to be some sort of highly
predictable, hilarious prank.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

I'm actually going
to try it on here?

You need to try it, man, come on.

All right, I'll stay outside.

There you go.

Look at you, man.

Now you look like a local.

You are so full of shit right now.

No, no.

No, no, no, I'm telling you.

Is this shirt tailor-made?

Huh?

Did he make this shirt?

I mean, how does it fit you...

..just fine? How?

I don't know, like, coincidence?
Coincidence?!

It's just that... Look.

Let me show you why I am...

"Made in Haiti."

Yeah.

He's put it in? "XL?"

I mean, you're obviously an XL.

I mean, no offence.

OK, so he made this shirt and
then stuck that label in.

Yeah, to make you feel more local.

He put the label in to
make me feel more local?

You're so full of shit.

THEY LAUGH

I mean... Now you
are making me laugh.

Come on, dude.

All right. Anyway, I like it,
so thank you. Let's go.

But I'm
not wearing the hat any more.

Having dressed me
like a moving target,

Jeremy decided it was time to
discuss a trip to Cite Soleil,

which has nothing to do
with that French circus

but is, in fact, the most
dangerous place in the country.

This is the bar here?

Yeah, the bar is inside of here.

This is the view.
This is crazy, man.

Yeah, man.

He had arranged for me
to be guided in by Yvonne,

a local who grew up in the slum
and can assure our safe passage.

He was also hard enough to survive
in Cite Soleil

having the name Yvonne.

How you doing, my friend?

Romesh.

Oh, nice to meet you, my friend.

Nice to meet you, nice to meet you.

So you're from Cite Soleil, yeah?

Yes, I'm from Cite Soleil.

I've been talking to
Jeremy about maybe going.

How bad is it?

You can be robbed,
you can be kidnapped.

Yeah.

I can see the panic in your face.

There's no panic! There is no panic.

You are not panic,
you hear you could be kidnapped

and you not panic?

I'm... I am on high alert.

I know.

If we go with you...

..then we're kind of safe.

Yeah, everything will be OK.
If we don't go with you...

I don't know what
will happen to you.

No.

If I'm going down there with you,

I can call them, "Hey, guys,

"I'm coming with a friend
down to Cite Soleil."

So, what, will you have to let...?
Will you let people know in advance?

Yeah. I will have to.

Basically, I am using
deflected trust.

The point is that Yvonne...

..said as long as I'm
with him, I should be OK.

But he did say that one of the
reasons you can get killed is

in the crossfire
between two rival gangs,

which I'm not convinced you can
phone ahead and postpone.

Who do you call, though?

The gang leader.

And say you are coming with me?
Yeah, "I'm going with..."

Yeah.

There's this guy.
He has this local shirt on.

Yeah, the local shirt.

Yeah.

Don't shoot in that area.

Don't shoot him.
Don't shoot in that area.

Jesus.

It's not funny.

Still rolling?

Shit.

All right, good.
Yeah, that looks the same.

Jesus.

This looks completely different.

I wasn't sure how I felt
about visiting Cite Soleil.

Jeremy's thinking was that
to really understand Haiti,

I needed to see what it's like

to live in its most
deprived neighbourhood.

My thinking was that Jeremy
was going to get me killed.

Yvonne is on his bike ahead of us...

..and we are following
him into Cite Soleil.

To say there are kidnappings,
stabbings and shootings

and to be aware of it...

I mean, OK, I'm aware of it.

I don't think it makes me any
better at dealing with it.

I will not suddenly, because
of my awareness to stabbings,

become impervious to a knife blade.

This might be the one
experience I have in my life

where my lazy eye completely opens.

I know.

But it's better than
Yeah, yeah.

But still a red zone.

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

So, do you know all these people?

Seeing this level of
poverty is horrible.

It's genuinely horrible.

It's very heartbreaking seeing...

It's such an obvious thing to say,

but seeing the kids
run around like this...

It is genuinely breathtaking what
we're standing amongst here.

Yvonne told me that around 400,000
people inhabit Cite Soleil,

most living on less
than a dollar a day.

He offered to take me to his
childhood home to meet his mother.

This is the place?

Hey.

Bonjour.
How are you?

How long have you lived here for?

OK. What's the situation
with water and electricity?

Right.

Oh, OK.

Right.

Pretty amazing.

But how do these people,
living here, fight the system?

How do they get out of this?

I don't want to say
I feel uncomfortable,

but the longer we spend here,

the more we are likely to
sort of cause an issue.

THEY SPEAK IN OWN LANGUAGE

HORNS BLARE

Right, shall we make a move?

Yeah.

Thank you very much, Yvonne.

Really, honestly, you've been such
a great host, I appreciate it.

The build-up to all
of this has been,

"It's dangerous,
anything can happen.

"There are guns here, you can get
kidnapped, you can get killed."

Etc, etc, so that was what
I was geared up for,

I was geared up for
feeling on edge, being nervous,

and what happened was
we went into a situation

that felt a lot less dangerous
than I anticipated.

But what I wasn't
prepared for was...

..just the level of poverty there.

I've got to be honest,
I actually felt...

..like we shouldn't
really be filming that.

It felt like, you know,

us Westerners coming in
and pointing our cameras

at these people that are living
in horrible conditions.

It felt a little bit icky.

That was, without a doubt...

..the worst poverty
I have ever seen in my life.

It's been interesting seeing
what Port-au-Prince is about,

but there's nothing to
recommend it for the travel

in terms of having
a nice time as such.

When I went to the Iron Market,

it was good to see it -

did I have an enjoyable time there?

No.

You know, going to Cite Soleil,

was that an interesting experience?

Yes.

Was it challenging? Yes.
Did I have a good time? No.

The truth is, it's not
set up for people to visit.

It's not set up for
the people that live here,

so there's no way it's
set up for people to visit.

It's just...

It just doesn't feel
like it's got anything.

You are going around,

it feels like you're walking amongst
a series of buildings

that should be abandoned.
Except they're not abandoned,

they're rammed with people,
so I cannot imagine

that anything's going
to happen between now

and when I leave here that's
going to change my conclusions

about what I've encountered
since I've been here.

This is like... So, this road.

Walking along here, this has
got a different vibe to it,

Yeah.

It's like Crawley High Street.

It's unsurprising that, in a
country with such extreme poverty,

people are attracted to the
idea of getting rich quick.

Jeremy had explained
to me that the lottery

is almost a national
obsession in Haiti.

Haitians spend 1.5 billion
dollars a year on lottery tickets -

almost a fifth of their GDP.

Is this it?

Yeah. This is the place, man.

People choose their lottery numbers
by interpreting their dreams.

If you dream of a coconut,
you play the number 70,

an ambulance is a 30.

We decided to try our luck
based on the images

I'd been seeing in my sleep
since my arrival in Haiti.

So, what was it?

Quatre...

14, 20, and 04.

Right.

The next thing I want
to look up is...penis.

What's this?
Well, let's go...

Yeah, partie sexuelle.

Yeah, sexual parts. Man.

One, ten, 31.

OK.

I've got this.

Yeah?

And how much are we likely to win?

50,000?

We could win if we get all of these?
Oh, my God.

Yeah?
What are we waiting for? Come on.

All right.

Fingers crossed, man.

Do you have "fingers crossed" here?
Fingers crossed.

Can't wait for
that 80-20 split, man.

No, 50-50.

I was surprised to learn that Haiti
did once have a tourist industry.

Jeremy told me that, in the 1970s,

cruise ships used to
dock in Port-au-Prince,

and tour operators offered
direct flights from Europe.

But a succession of brutal dictators

severely damaged
the country's reputation

and tourism has
never really recovered.

Why aren't there any, like, tourist
attractions and stuff like that?

Somewhere you can like, take
photos and put them on Facebook,

and make other people feel bad,
you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Well, eight years ago, when this
earthquake happened,

it destroyed everything.

We are close to the
former cathedral now.

Let's just drop by
OK.

Wow.

So, this all came down
pretty much straightaway?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Basically, 50% of the buildings
in the city are destroyed.

Yes.

Yeah.

So, where were you
when the earthquake hit, then?

Oh...

..I was visiting a friend...

..and I heard that...

..strange noise, you know, come...

Coming from, you know...

..under the ground...

..and I started feeling
the, you know...

..the shake.

And I feel, "Oh, shit,
what is that?"

So, I keep going
and, like, you know,

10-15 metres on top
of a little hill.

So, I saw the whole city just,
you know, like a powder.

Then I realised what I was in.

There's no way you
can actually explain...

..what I experienced that day.

Yeah.

Do you know people that...?

Oh, yeah. I mean, let me tell you.

At this point, every
Haitian knows somebody...

..that lost their life.

Pretty shocking, coming in here.

It sort of just
makes it very, very real.

You know, I've come here thinking,

"Is this a place that
you'd want to visit?"

And then, you've got
that tourist critical eye

that you are casting
across everything,

"Are people being friendly enough?
Am I being welcomed enough?

"Are there enough facilities?
Is my hotel good enough?

"Are there places to visit?"

And you sort of wander around
and have a look and think,

"Why should anybody here
give a shit about that?"

They've got other things
to be worried about,

do you know what I mean?

You know, it's just
desperately unlucky.

And they're such
horrible victims of fate.

So the idea you could come
here and sort of complain,

or demand that entertainment

is laid on for you,

that facilities are laid on for you,

feels insensitive
in the extreme, really.

The earthquake destroyed almost

all of Port-au-Prince's
historic buildings

but one of the few to survive was
the hotel that I was staying in,

the Ollofson.

A crumbling old
gingerbread style mansion,

it was built in the
late 19th century,

home to a powerful Haitian family.

It became famous as a setting for
Graham Greene's novel The Comedians,

and remains an iconic
local landmark.

Oh, hello, mate.

So, these lottery tickets we bought,

if we won the big jackpot,

what would you do with the money?

Can't tell you, man.
What do you mean, you can't tell me?

Because I have...

I always have secret project.

"Secret project"?

I might have invested in
that secret project.

Do you know that almost
100% sounds like a crime?

Uh-uh.

The way you are saying that, it
sounds like a criminal activity.

Do you understand?
It is not.

When you say,
"I'm doing a secret project."

And you've got a newspaper.

All you need is a cat
and you're a Bond villain, mate.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Well, let's go find
out, then, if we've won.

Yeah. I mean,
it's right on the corner.

You remember where to queue.

So, I'm going on my own to get
the results and what are you doing?

Reading what the other Bond
villains in the area are up to?

Well... It is whatever
you think, so...

I mean, dude, it's right there.

There's nothing...
All right.

So, just go and get the results.

I'm going. Just so you know, you
just lost yourself 5% on the deal...

..because I'm having to go.
It's still 50-50%.

It's not 50%, it's 55-45

because you are sitting on
your arse reading the paper,

working out your little criminal
Yeah, yeah.

See you later, Goldfinger.
See you later.

HORN BLARES

All I do is win, win, win,
no matter what

Got money on my mind,
I can never get enough

And every time I step up in the
building, everybody's hands go up.

And?

Your secret project
is still a secret.

We hadn't won the lottery,

but Jeremy decided we
were still flush enough

to get a plane ride south
to the beaches in Jacmel...

..which, I guessed, was the location
of his secret volcanic island.

I mean, this is so
beautiful out here, man.

Thank you
very much, Jeremy.

You are all welcome...brother.

Port au Prince had seemed so hectic
and desperate that, at times,

you completely forgot you
were on a Caribbean island.

Jeremy had told me that the beaches

were THE big hope for tourism in
Haiti, and I was minded to agree.

With an abundance of
white sand and cheap lager,

throw in some banana
boats and foam parties,

and Brits could be flocking
there in their thousands.

Mostly, I was preoccupied
with my own concerns.

The long-awaited anxiety-curing
voodoo ceremony

was due to take place that night.

Thank you.

Watch out for that cock.

Oh, come on, man.

This is nice, mate.

I like
the smile on your face.

I'm already feeling...

..good.

Pool...

Yes. Maybe...

Weird sculpture of
two people snogging.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Do you think?

Yeah. I'm buzzing.

This is Haiti, baby.

Next time, open with this,

is my advice to you.

It's a different energy
here, you know, like...

When we were in the city,
it's just like...

Just constant kind of chaotic vibe,

and you are conscious of that
the whole time you're there.

Here, it feels like
all that's gone and...

..it's very, very nice.

Except for the fact that tonight I'm
taking part in a voodoo ceremony.

The priest that Jeremy
hooked me up with...

The last person I believe he spoke
to on my behalf was Reggie, so...

..God knows what mood he's in
after that conversation.

For the ceremony, we've
got some rope, some flags...

..some rum...

..some weird liquid,

two types of cologne,
some deodorant...

..and this tiny chair.

I'm assuming that the voodoo
priest has a very small friend.

"This is Bob. He never
normally has anywhere to sit

"during these ceremonies,

"so it's nice of you to
bring him something.

"We're now going to tie him to
it and deodorise, and aftershave."

ROMESH AND PRODUCTION TEAM LAUGH

Come on, man.

You're making me extra anxious, the
way you're driving, you know that?

Be quiet.

Or say something...
You're adding to anxiety.

You're like a voodoo priest that
adds to anxiety, you know that?

It just so happens.
It's just another bump here.

Oh, come on.

Do I need to be scared?
Be honest with me.

You don't have to be scared, my man.

You're my friend, you know?

We're partners now.
Yeah, but friends can die.

All right.

Jesus Christ.
Let's get this done.

All right, lead the way, then.
All right, I'll lead the way

cos it's a little bit dark,

so be careful around here.

All the way up here.

Whoa!

What the shit?

We're here, man.

Yeah.
Can I put this here?

Yeah, you can put
this here right now.

All right.

I'm so scared.

Look, your forehead...

OK. Do I look sweaty?

Sweaty, yeah. Totally.

Everything about this...

..feels frightening,

and that is partly because of...

..my sort of ignorance,

but also partly because...

..it's terrifying.

I'm more anxious than
I've been in a long time.

Have you seen the chickens?
Where, where?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Why are there chickens there?

This is part of the ceremony.

I know, I know. I know.

But what is he going to do
I don't know.

I'm not even a priest.

Yeah, but are they
going to come to harm?

That's what I'm asking.

Probably.

I am a vegan.

It would be offensive to me

if he started making an omelette,

let alone killed those chickens.

I can be here for...

Oh, my God.

Was that supposed to happen?

No, I think it's the...

The generator?

Great.

If they can't get the generator
working, we can reschedule.

Everything about
it felt frightening.

I don't understand the
language, obviously,

but I believe that
somebody said to someone,

"Romesh doesn't look like he's
shitting himself enough.

"Could you pull up a car and
switch the headlights on

"so he properly shits his
liver out through his arsehole?"

So, we've got full
beam headlines on us,

like they're preparing
for me to be abducted.

He's set up all the ingredients.

It's all there.

They've put a symbol down
on the floor in the powder,

the go-away powder,
which a mouse came over to.

Completely ineffective, that powder.

I must speak to Reggie about that.

DRUMS PLAY

We then start the ceremony.

They bring the two
chickens over to me

and I assume, "That chicken's dead."

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Jeremy spoke to him. He said,

"No, we're going to liberate
the chickens at the end."

So I was like, fine, great.

Actually, if I don't lose
my anxiety from this,

at least two chickens are freed
as a result of me doing this.

DRUMS PLAY

The singers are going,
the drums are going.

I'm sitting there, on this
wooden chair, shitting myself.

SINGING AND DRUMMING

So I had to hold the chickens
up here, then turn to the right...

..then hold the chickens up
there and turn to the left.

What essentially he
was asking me to do

was some sort of chicken Macarena
while he held the can of deodorant.

I can't...

I'm not laughing at the thing.

It's just because I've
never said the sentence,

"I was holding two chickens
and he had a can of deodorant."

It's just strange. Anyway...

He poured each of the
different liquids -

the shower gel, the cologne,
the deodorant - and he lit them.

I had no idea that
good luck shower gel

was that flammable.

Why would you put that on your body?

I'm getting anxious and thinking,
"Where is this going to end?"

Because now we're going to go
to this little house over there,

and I think, "Oh, my God,

"what's going to happen
at the little house?"

He pulls back a curtain,
behind which is a coffin.

In my head, I'm visualising him
opening the coffin and going,

"Now you get in this for 12 hours."

Anyway, what he wanted was a tip,

so I was happy to give that to him.

Took the cash out, put
it on top of the coffin,

gave him a five-star
rating and left.

That's the end?
Yeah. That's the end.

If I'm looking at this objectively,

I would say that going into that
ceremony I felt extreme anxiety

and now I don't feel anxious at all.

Now, you could argue that

that is because that
ceremony worked

and I'm now
completely free of anxiety,

or you could argue that I'm
completely free of anxiety

because that ceremony's over.

This isn't a road.

With my anxiety apparently cured,

Jeremy wanted to take me to an
easily accessible local beauty spot.

In comparison to
their near neighbours,

the number of people coming to
southern Haiti is still tiny.

But the hope is that,

if they can entice just a small
percentage of Caribbean tourists,

it could kick-start the
entire Haitian economy.

Clearly, they're going to
have to fix the roads first.

Whoa!

The Bassin Bleu - or
"blue basin" in English -

is a famous 30-foot high waterfall

that daring locals like to hike to
and jump off into the waters below.

Welcome to Bassin Bleu, brother.

Oh, shit!

Had Jeremy explained this
part of the challenge earlier,

I would have told him to piss off.

Wow.

This is amazing, man.

It genuinely is beautiful.

Are you coming as well?
No, I can't swim.

But I think...
Why would you bring me here?

I think you should go,

you know, and have a good time.

Fine. Do me a favour,
while I'm there,

climbing up the waterfall and
jumping off, you just say safe.

All right. I will.

Go on, Rom, make me proud, brother.

Make me proud.

All right.

Just a few more steps.

Thank you.

Once I got up to the top...

..it felt like I couldn't
see water any more.

Like, I literally just looked over
the edge and I could just see rocks.

Just going out so far.

The thing is, it's like you try to
visualise something going well

before you do it, and I couldn't.

All I could see was brown
chutney down the rocks

where my body has sort of been
spread across the face.

So, that is not a good
place to put yourself in

when you're stood at the
top about to jump off,

do you know what I mean?

Stop being a pussy, man, just jump!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

This music's a bit much.

Yeah!

That was good, man. That was good.

All right.

Ah!

But that was a good jump, brother.

Yeah.
You actually make me proud.

Yeah, and you know what?

When I looked back at
you and I thought,

"For him to have the courage

"to stand on the rock
and shout shit..."

HE LAUGHS

..it really touched me, man.

When I was on the plane on the way
over here, I've got to be honest,

I felt frightened.

I felt worried and nervous
about what I was going to find here

and I didn't feel massively
comfortable about coming.

I feel like my time here

has essentially
demystified Haiti for me.

It doesn't feel like
this mysterious land now.

Look, the truth of it is,

Port-au-Prince - I would
not recommend at all.

I mean, look, if you're the
sort of person that enjoys...

..getting involved in the
culture of seeing a place,

you certainly get a strong and
immediate idea

of what Port-au-Prince is about.

There's no denying that.

And there are nice hotels.

But I'm not the sort of person who
wants to stay in a nice hotel

while just beyond the boundary
wall is some of the worst poverty

I've ever seen in my life. I
couldn't feel comfortable with that.

So I would say I just couldn't
recommend that as a place to visit.

When you come here, what you
are getting is beautiful beaches,

nice hotels, you can
drink fresh coconut water.

All the things that
you stereotypically want

from a Caribbean holiday.

But the truth of it is,

if you were to look at
this on a purely clinical,

holiday destination basis,

you'd have to say you'd
probably be better served

by going somewhere else.
That's the honest truth of it.

But what you can't do is ignore
the fact that Haiti needs tourism,

arguably more than any
other location of its kind.

So, if you're an ethical tourist,

if you're somebody that actually
thinks about the impact

that you're having when
you go travel somewhere,

then I would argue
that you choose here

because Haiti needs the tourism

and it's the right thing to do.

So are you coming back next year?

No, I'm going to Portugal.

Africa.

Essentially all I know
about Ethiopia is famine.

Rastafari.

That's one of the worst
things I've ever seen.

I think camping's for knobs.

It's amazing.

Africa.

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