Original subtitles

[ NO SOUND ]

[ DOG BARKING ]

[ LAWN-MOWER ENGINE CHUGGING ]

>> Stacy: TOMMY!

ARE YOU GONNA MEET ME IN THE

POOL AFTER YOU'RE FINISHED?

>> Tommy: YEAH, IN A MINUTE.

STACY.

AH, STACY.

IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY SHE JUST

MOVED IN.

GRANTED, IT'S BEEN A COUPLE OF

MONTHS, BUT, BOY, THEY FLEW BY

FAST.

SHE WAS THE MOST GORGEOUS GIRL

I HAD EVER LAID MY EYES ON.

UNTIL I MET...

>> Stacy's Mom: HEY, TOMMY.

OH, HEY, LISTEN, YOU MISSED A

SPOT RIGHT OVER THERE.

>> Tommy: OKAY.

[ PROVOCATIVE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH

* OH, YEAH

* AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH

* OH, YEAH

[ ENGINE STOPS ]

[ ENGINE SPUTTERS ]

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

[ ENGINE STOPS ]

>> Tommy: [ SIGHS ]

IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS I WONDER,

"ARE WOMEN REALLY WORTH IT?"

[ DOG BARKING ]

YEAH, BUT I PROBABLY HATE MATH

THE MOST.

>> Mark: MATH?

MATH IS LIKE SOLVING A BUNCH OF

PUZZLES.

>> Tommy: YEAH, A BUNCH OF

BORING PUZZLES.

>> Mark: BUT IT'S COOL.

PUZZLES ARE COOL.

ANYWAY, DID YOU GET YOUR CLASS

LIST?

>> Tommy: YEAH, MAN.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

DUDE, SCHOOL STARTS IN TWO DAYS,

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE ENOUGH OF

IT, ALL RIGHT?

>> Mark: WHAT'S BUGGING YOU,

MAN?

>> Tommy: WHAT'S BUGGING ME?

DUDE, SUMMER'S ALMOST OVER.

I DIDN'T DO HALF THE THINGS I

WANTED TO DO.

I DIDN'T GROW THAT MUCH.

I DIDN'T GET ANY COOLER.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THAT SHOULD

HAPPEN OVER THE SUMMER.

>> Mark: WELL, TRY TO ENJOY IT.

ANYWAYS, Y-YOUR PARENTS ARE

STILL THROWING THAT PARTY,

RIGHT?

>> Tommy: YEAH, WHAT WOULD STOP

THEM?

>> Mark: I DON'T KNOW.

A TIDAL WAVE?

>> Tommy: YEAH, WHATEVER YOU

SAY, PAL.

I'LL SEE YOU SOON, HUH?

>> Mark: ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU,

MAN.

[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]

>> HONEY, DO YOU WANT SOME MILK

WITH THAT?

>> Mark: NAH, I GOT IT.

>> Uncle Dick: [ BREATHING

RHYTHMICALLY ]

YOU'RE FUCKIN' LUCKY THIS

MORNING, BOY.

OH, YEAH, YOU ARE FUCKIN' LUCKY.

[ RHYTHMIC BREATHING CONTINUES ]

>> Tommy: MY UNCLE DICK WAS IN

TOWN.

HE HAD BEEN FOR SIX MONTHS AFTER

LOSING HIS JOB.

HE DECIDED TO BECOME A HEALTH

ACTIVIST.

YOU KNOW, HE STAYS HEALTHY, BUT

I THINK HE'S A BIT TOO HARD ON

HIMSELF SOMETIMES.

>> Uncle Dick: LOOK AT YOU, YOU

FAT, DISGUSTING SON OF A --

MOTHER FUCKER!

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ WHISTLES ]

>> OH, NO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

>> Uncle Dick: OH, I BET IT

HURTS TO WATCH, DOESN'T IT?

>> NO! PLEASE!

I-I'LL DO ANYTHING!

WHY -- WHY ARE YOU HURTING IT?

>> Uncle Dick: ANYTHING, HUH?

OH, THAT'S A PRETTY HEAVY

RESPONSIBILITY THERE, BIG BOY.

I'LL BET IF YOU COULD, YOU WOULD

JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO SAVE IT,

WOULDN'T YOU?

>> UH-HUH!

[ WAILS ]

YOU'RE A MONSTER!

[ WAILS ]

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!

WHAT DID I EVER DO -- DO -- DO

TO YOU?

[ CRYING ]

>> Uncle Dick: HEY, SHAMU, CALM

DOWN!

>> [ WAILING ]

>> Uncle Dick: OKAY, OKAY,

ALREADY!

TAKE IT EASY!

GEEZ!

>> YOINK!

[ CHUCKLES ]

FOOLED YOU!

[ LAUGHING ]

[ FARTS ]

OH!

[ GROANING ]

>> Uncle Dick: [ SCOFFS ]

FUCKIN' PUSSY.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Randall: MAN, WILL YOU QUIT

WORRYING ABOUT IT?

>> Roland: QUIT WORRYING ABOUT

IT?

MAN, IT LOOKS LIKE I SHOVED A

MUPPET DOWN MY PANTS!

>> Randall: CALM DOWN, ROLAND.

SHIT.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU AIN'T HAD SEX ED YET?

>> Randall: I WILL THIS

SEMESTER.

WHY?

>> Randall: BECAUSE YOU'LL LEARN

IT HAPPENS TO EVERY MAN.

>> Roland: I ALREADY KNOW IT

HAPPENS TO EVERY MAN.

BUT BY JEWISH LAW, I'M NOT A MAN

TILL NOVEMBER.

>> Randall: ROLAND...

WE AIN'T JEWISH, MAN.

>> Randall: STEPHANIE WAS.

>> Randall: SHE WAS OUR STEPMOM.

>> Roland: SHE WAS JEWISH.

>> Randall: BUT SHE --

LOOK, IT'S NORMAL, OKAY?

STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT.

SHIT.

BESIDES, IF YOU'RE STRESSING

OUT, GO TALK TO DAD.

ASK HIS ASS TO GET YOU A RAZOR.

>> Randall: I HAVEN'T EVEN

STARTED SHAVING MY FACE YET!

WHAT AM I GONNA TELL HIM I'M

USING IT FOR?

BESIDES, HE'S PROBABLY GONNA

START BITCHIN' ABOUT HIS BALD

SPOT.

THE LAST THING HE NEEDS TO KNOW

IS HOW HAIRY MY CROTCH IS!

UGH!

IT'S NASTY!

>> Randall: LOOK, DAWG, IT CAN'T

BE THAT BAD, MAN.

LET ME SEE.

>> Roland: HELL, NO!

>> Randall: TURN AROUND, MAN!

IT'S ME!

I AIN'T GONNA SAY NOTHING!

LET ME SEE!

HURRY UP!

[ ZIPPER UNZIPS ]

GOD DAMN!

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WRONG

DOWN THERE?

>> Roland: HEY, SHUT UP.

>> Randall: MAN, IT LOOK LIKE

YOU'RE GETTING SUCKED OFF BY

MACY GRAY, MAN!

SHIT!

YOU ARE --

I'M -- LOOK, I'M -- HEY, I'M

SORRY, DAWG.

I'M --

[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]

>> Tommy: HEY, DAD.

>> Richard: HEY, SON.

YOU WOKE UP...LATE TODAY.

>> Tommy: I'VE BEEN UP FOR A

LITTLE WHILE.

>> Richard: SO, BUDDY, SEVENTH

GRADE, HUH?

LUCKY SEVEN.

YOU EXCITED ABOUT THAT OR WHAT?

>> Tommy: LEAVE IT TO YOU TO ASK

ME.

[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]

>> Richard: HUH?

>> Tommy: LOOK, DAD, I WAS GONNA

GO TO THE GROCERY STORE AND GET

SOME ICE CREAM.

CAN I?

>> Richard: I DON'T MIND.

GOT ANY MONEY?

>> Tommy: NO. WHY?

>> Richard: I'M JUST TRYING

TO --

[ EXPLOSION, BEEP ]

[ SCOFFS ]

SON, I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME

THAT YOU LEARNED MONEY DOESN'T

GROW ON TREES, PAL, OKAY?

>> Tommy: YEAH, IT DOESN'T GROW

ON ME, EITHER.

I JUST WANT WHAT YOU OWE ME.

>> Richard: I THOUGHT WE TOOK

CARE OF THAT.

>> Tommy: LAST I CHECKED, YOU

STILL OWED ME $10.

>> Richard: [ SIGHS ]

$10.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, I SWEAR TO GOD, SON, I'M

GONNA GET THAT TO YOU SOON, I

PROMISE.

IT'S JUST THAT, RIGHT NOW, I'VE

GOT SOME MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES

TO DEAL WITH.

>> WHERE'S MY CASH, MOTHER

FUCKER?

>> Richard: LOOK...

I-I'M GONNA NEED A-A PAYMENT

PLAN OR -- OR -- OR SOMETHING,

OR IT'S GONNA -- IT'S GONNA TAKE

TIME, ALL RIGHT?

I'M WORKING ON IT.

>> PAYMENT PLAN?!

DO I LOOK LIKE A WELLS FARGO TO

YOU, MOTHER FUCKER?!

DO YOU SEE AN ATM MACHINE

SITTING NEXT TO MY FUCKIN'

PITCHER?!

I NEED MY MONEY!

THESE LEMONS AIN'T FREE, BITCH!

>> Richard: [ GULPS ]

[ SIGHS ]

SO...

[ SIGHS ]

YOU CAN...SORT OF UNDERSTAND MY

SITUATION, SON.

>> Tommy: ALL RIGHT, CUT THE

BULLSHIT.

JUST -- WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT

LATER, ALL RIGHT?

>> Richard: ALL RIGHT, THANKS.

[ BEEPING ]

OH, AND, UH, SON...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE THE NEW NEIGHBORS WILL

THROW YOU A COUPLE OF BUCKS TO,

UH, WAX THE...CARPORT OR

WHATEVER.

>> Tommy: HMM. YEAH, RIGHT.

>> Richard: HEY!

WATCH THE ATTITUDE, PAL.

UH, AND CLEAN UP YOUR MOUTH,

SON!

FUCKIN' LITTLE PRICK.

[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]

TALKING ON THE PH-- WHO THE HELL

ARE YOU TALKING TO?

I'M GONNA START THE DOGS.

>> Sandra: ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

>> Richard: COME ON.

COME ON, COME ON!

WHERE'S TOMMY?

>> Sandra: I HAVE THEM AT THE

KIDDIE TABLE.

>> Richard: WHAT?! WHAT?!

>> Sandra: WOULD YOU PLEASE GO

ASK THEM IF THEY WANT A BURGER

OR A HOT DOG?

>> Richard: YOU GOT THEM AT THE

KIDDIE TABLE?

>> Sandra: HANG ON A SEC.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH THAT?

>> Richard: THE BOY IS ALMOST

13 YEARS OLD, SANDRA.

DON'T YOU THINK HE'S MATURE

ENOUGH TO -- TO SIT AMONGST THE

ADULTS?

>> Sandra: [ SIGHS ]

PLEASE.

I REALLY DOUBT HE CARES.

SO, I TOLD YOU...

>> Richard: OH, YOU REALLY

DOUBT -- YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA TRAUMATIZE THAT

BOY.

>> Roland: TOMMY...

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE?

>> Tommy: I TOLD YOU THIS PARTY

WOULD SUCK.

>> Mark: YEAH, BUT, I MEAN, IT'S

KIND OF EMBARRASSING.

I MEAN, WHY CAN'T WE SIT WHERE

WE DID LAST YEAR?

>> Roland: WE ARE SITTING WHERE

WE WERE LAST YEAR.

THIS SUCKS!

>> Tommy: SO, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU

GUYS WANT TO DO?

>> Richard: I GOT THEM FROM

HERE, BUDDY.

AWESOME JOB, DICK.

>> Uncle Dick: DUDE, WHAT THE

HELL YOU GOT ME COOKING THESE

FUCKED-UP SOY DOGS FOR, HUH?

YOU KNOW MY STRICT BELIEF IN A

PROTEIN-FILLED, MEAT-BASED DIET.

>> Richard: RELAX.

I AM SURE THAT THERE'S PLENTY OF

RIGHTEOUS NUTRIENTS IN THESE SOY

THINGS.

>> Uncle Dick: I'M SURE THERE'S

NOT.

>> Richard: YOU'RE PROBABLY

RIGHT.

GO SEE WHAT TOMMY AND THE BOYS

WANT, WILL YOU?

>> Uncle Dick: YEAH.

HEY, YOU DIDN'T FORGET THE

RED STRIPE, DID YOU?

>> Richard: OOH!

>> Uncle Dick: BITCH!

>> Richard: I...DIDN'T.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Uncle Dick: I LOVE YOU, MAN.

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

>> Richard: BACK OFF.

>> Uncle Dick: BACKING OFF.

>> Richard: [ GRUNTS ]

I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU, YOU KNOW

THAT?

HA!

FUCKIN' GUY.

>> Mark: I MEAN, LIKE, IS IT --

IS IT ITCHY?

'CAUSE I'M STILL AS HAIRLESS AS

JAMES CARVILLE DOWN THERE.

>> Roland: YEAH, IT'S ITCHY.

FEELS LIKE I'M GROWING GRASS

DOWN THERE.

>> Mark: REALLY?

'CAUSE I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD

BE LIKE SHAG CARPETING.

>> Tommy: OH, SHIT!

>> Roland: WHAT?

>> Mark: OH, NO.

>> Tommy: MARK, JUST SUCK IT IN,

DUDE.

JUST SUCK IT IN, OKAY?

>> Mark: OKAY.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

>> Uncle Dick: HEY, TOMMY,

ROLAND...

TWINKIES.

>> Mark: [ EXHALES ]

>> Uncle Dick: SO, UH, WHAT DO

YOU BOYS WANT THERE, DOGS OR

BURGERS?

LET ME GUESS.

ONE OF EACH?

>> Tommy: BURGER -- BURGER WILL

BE FINE.

>> Uncle Dick: BURGERS!

ALL RIGHT!

[ GROWLS ]

BE RIGHT OUT.

>> Mark: THANKS, DICK.

>> Tommy: WHAT A DICK!

>> Mark: HUGE DICK.

>> Roland: HAIRY DICK.

>> Mark: REALLY HAIRY.

[ ENGINE SPUTTERS ]

[ MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

>> Juan: THANKS, GUYS.

>> LATER.

>> Mark: ALL I'M SAYING -- IF IT

LOOKS LIKE BACON AND IT TASTES

LIKE BACON, THEN IT MUST BE

BACON.

NOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU

GUYS --

>> Juan: HEY, GUYS.

>> Mark: HI, JUAN.

>> Tommy: HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?

>> Roland: HEY, DUDE.

>> Juan: SORRY I'M LATE.

MY DAD HAD TO MOW OUR LAWN

TODAY, AND HE NEEDED HELP.

>> Roland: YEAH, I THINK YOUR

DAD MOWED MY LAWN TODAY, TOO.

>> Juan: HMM.

>> Tommy: HMM, SAME HERE, MAN.

>> Mark: OH, I DON'T THINK HE

DOES OURS TILL THURSDAY.

>> Juan: OH.

>> Mark: YEAH.

>> Juan: UH, SO, WHAT ARE WE

DOING?

>> Tommy: WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING

AT IT.

MAN, I CAN'T WAIT TILL EVERYBODY

LEAVES.

DUDE, THIS THING IS SO BORING.

[ HARP MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY ]

>> Roland: DUDE, ARE YOU ALL

RIGHT?

>> * HERE SHE COMES

* MOVIN' IN MY DIRECTION

* I THINK WE'RE GONNA

MAKE A CONNECTION *

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* HERE SHE COMES

* MOVIN' IN MY DIRECTION

>> Stacy: HEY, BOYS.

HOW'S IT GOING?

>> Roland: UH...

UH, THANKS.

>> Stacy: WHAT?

>> Roland: UH, I MEAN, HEY.

>> Stacy: SO, WHICH ONE OF YOU

IS TOMMY?

IS THIS THE WRONG GROUP OF BOYS,

OR IS ONE YOU MY NEW NEIGHBOR?

>> Tommy: OH, YOU'RE MY NEW

NEIGHBOR.

>> Stacy: [ CHUCKLES ]

NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE WE?

>> Tommy: NO, I --

>> Stacy: I'M STACY.

>> Tommy: [ Chuckling ] SHAKE.

>> Stacy: KIND OF A LIMP

HANDSHAKE.

OW!

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?

>> Juan: UH, HI.

I'M JUAN.

>> Stacy: HI, JUAN.

>> Juan: [ Chuckling ] HEY.

>> Stacy: AND YOU ARE?

>> Roland: I'M ROLAND.

>> Stacy: WELL, ITS NICE TO MEET

YOU.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO GET SOME

FOOD BEFORE MY MOM COMES TO PICK

ME UP.

NICE MEETING YOU GUYS.

>> Mark: I'M MARK.

WOW.

>> Roland: THAT'S YOUR NEW

NEIGHBOR?

>> Tommy: I GUESS.

>> Mark: WOW.

SHE IS BREATHTAKING.

YOU DON'T SEE GIRLS LIKE HER

EVERY DAY.

>> Juan: YEAH.

>> Tommy: WAIT A MINUTE, GUYS.

THIS ISN'T LIKE US.

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?

>> Mark: YEAH.

YEAH, I VOWED TO NEVER HAVE A

WOMAN GET IN THE WAY OF ME AND

WHAT I'M TRYING DO.

A-AS I SEE IT, I ONLY HAVE 17

YEARS UNTIL I'M 30.

THEN, BAM!

MIDLIFE CRISIS.

THEN I'LL GET MARRIED.

>> Tommy: LOOK, GUYS, DO ME A

FAVOR.

AND LET'S SAY, FROM THIS MOMENT

ON, THAT NO WOMAN WILL EVER

BECOME THE PINNACLE OF OUR

OBSESSION.

WE'RE EACH OTHER'S BEST FRIENDS,

AND WE CAN'T LET A GIRL EVER

COME BETWEEN US.

>> Mark: DEAL!

>> Juan: DEAL!

>> Tommy: DEAL!

>> Roland: DEAL.

>> Stacy: HEY, MOM!

[ INTRO TO BILLY GOODRUM'S

"HOLD ON ME" PLAYS ]

>> * SHE'S GOT A HOLD ON ME

* I'VE BEEN HYPNOTIZED

* SHE'S GOT A HOLD ON ME

* DON'T LET ME CRY, YO

>> Stacy: WELL, SHE'S HERE.

I SHOULD GET GOING.

>> Mark: MM-HMM.

>> Stacy: SORRY I COULDN'T STAY

LONGER.

YOU GUYS SHOULD COME OVER

SOMETIME.

WE'LL HANG OUT.

>> Tommy: HEY, IS THAT GUY THAT

YOUR MOM'S WITH YOUR DAD?

>> Stacy: OH, NO, IT'S JUST A

GUY MY MOM'S DATING.

HE'S A TEACHER OVER AT NADLER.

HE'S COOL, I GUESS.

SO, I'LL SEE YOU LATER?

>> Tommy: YEAH, I'LL -- I'LL SEE

YOU AROUND.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

>> Juan: HMM.

>> Roland: [ SIGHS ]

>> Juan: DANG, DID YOU SEE HER?

>> Mark: MMM.

MMM! YEAH!

OH, HOW ABOUT THAT STACY'S MOM,

HUH?

SHE'S A FINE-ASS BITCH, RIGHT?

YEAH?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE TIME.

COME ON, CUT ME UP ANOTHER ONE.

>> Roland: I THINK YOU HAD

ENOUGH, MARK.

>> Mark: WHAT?! NO, DUDE.

I'M FINE, I'M FINE, I'M FINE,

I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

>> Roland: JUAN, YOU'RE UP.

>> Mark: I'M FINE, I'M FINE!

HEY!

I JUST WANT A COUPLE MORE.

>> Juan: [ SLURPS ]

YEAH!

>> Roland: ALL RIGHT, JUANY!

>> Mark: WHOO!

>> Juan: OW.

>> Tommy: GUYS, A LITTLE HELP

HERE?

>> Juan: ALL RIGHT.

>> Tommy: THANKS, JUAN.

>> Roland: YEAH, LET'S SEE IT.

>> Tommy: [ GRUNTS ]

>> Mark: JUST ONE?

>> Roland: NO.

>> Mark: WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE

LOOKING FOR AGAIN?

>> Tommy: EITHER ONES THAT ARE

"R" OR ONES WITH

MICHAEL DOUGLAS.

MAN, THEY ARE BOUND TO HAVE SOME

TITTIES!

>> Juan: ALL RIGHT.

SHIT, YEAH!

LET'S POP THIS ON.

>> Tommy: "FATAL ATTRACTION"?

YOU KNOW WHO I ACTUALLY ALWAYS

THOUGHT WAS PRETTY HOT?

>> Roland: WHO?

>> Mark: YEAH, WHO?

>> Tommy: TINKER BELL.

>> Roland: TINKER BELL?

FROM "PETER PAN"?

>> Tommy: NO, FROM THE "SMURFS."

DUDE, OF COURSE, "PETER PAN."

>> Mark: MAN, SHE USED TO DRIVE

ME NUTS, WEARING THAT TIGHT

GREEN...

>> Tommy: LEOTARD!

>> Mark: YEAH!

>> Tommy: DUDE, THAT THING DROVE

ME NUTS!

>> Mark: MAN, WHAT ABOUT

JASMINE?

>> Mark: JASMINE!

NOW, THERE'S A PERSIAN PUSSYCAT

I'D LIKE TO TAME!

[ YOWLS ]

BUT -- BUT I STILL THINK NO ONE

CAN TOP THE LITTLE MERMAID, MAN.

>> Roland: YEAH, THINGS AIN'T

TOO SMALL ON THAT GIRL.

THERE'S NOTHING BUT THOSE

SEASHELLS COVERING HER

SILKY-SMOOTH BODY!

>> Mark: AND WE'RE TALKING "C"

SHELLS.

WHOO!

>> Tommy: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE

FLIPPER.

IT DOESN'T REALLY DO IT FOR ME.

BESIDES, HAVING A DAD LIKE

TRITON -- DUDE, I WOULD NOT DARE

MAKE A MOVE.

>> Mark: MM.

>> Juan: GUYS, BOOBS!

>> Mark: OH! AH! BOOBS!

>> Tommy: BOOBS!

CSH-CSH! CSH-CSH-CSH!

>> Mark: MM-HMM.

[ WOMAN MOANING ]

>> Tommy: BL-BL-BL-BL-BL-BL!

>> Juan: MARK?

>> Mark: YEAH, WHAT?

>> Juan: YOU...REALIZE WHO THIS

IS, RIGHT?

>> Mark: UH, YEAH, IT'S, LIKE,

UM, MICHAEL DOUGLAS AND --

>> Roland: SWEET LORD!

CRUELLA DE VIL!

>> Mark: HOLY SHIT!

HOLY SHIT, JUAN!

CUT IT, CUT IT, CUT IT!

OH, GOD, JUAN! CUT IT!

WHY'D YOU DO THIS?!

>> Juan: UGH!

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

>> Mark: AH!

GOOD MORNING!

HUH?

[ Chuckling ] OH!

>> Tommy: OH, GOD, WHAT'S THAT?

OH, GOD, GET A DOCTOR!

NO, DON'T GET A DOCTOR!

GET MY MOM!

NO, NOT MY MOM!

>> Mark: DUDE, IT'S OKAY, IT'S

OKAY.

JUST CALM DOWN.

THIS HAPPENED TO ME A BUNCH OF

TIMES OVER THE SUMMER.

DUDE, ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS RUB

IT OUT, AND IT'LL CALM DOWN,

ALL RIGHT?

>> Tommy: ISN'T THAT --

>> Mark: TOMMY!

JUST TRUST ME, MAN, ALL RIGHT?

JUST TRUST ME.

>> Tommy: OKAY.

>> Mark: GO DO SOME RUBBING.

>> Juan: [ YAWNS ]

>> Mark: IT'LL BE OKAY.

>> Juan: BREAKFAST TIME.

>> Tommy: [ GRUNTS ]

>> Roland: [ GRUNTING ]

>> Juan: WHOA!

UM, ROLAND, MY -- MY MAN?

>> Roland: [ YAWNS ]

>> Mark: WHAT THE HELL?

>> Roland: "WHAT THE HELL" WHAT?

>> Mark: YOU -- YOU GOT, UM...

YOU GOT SOME...HAIR GROWING OFF

YOUR FACE, BRO.

>> Roland: OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD, I'M A FREAK!

I THINK I GOT HAIR IN MY MOUTH!

[ GAGS ]

DOES YOUR DAD HAVE A RAZOR?

>> Tommy: IT'S NOT WORKING,

MARK!

DUDE, IT IS NOT WORKING!

>> Mark: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO

TELL YOU, MAN.

IT WORKED JUST FINE FOR ME.

FELT PRETTY DAMN GOOD, TOO.

>> Juan: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,

FIVE.

STICK IT BACK IN NOW, BUDDY.

>> Tommy: YOU SUCK.

>> Mark: AT LEAST YOU GOT

ROOM FOR ONE MORE.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> Juan: GO GET IT, MAN.

>> Mark: KING ME.

>> Juan: IT'S NOT CHECKERS.

>> Stacy: HI, TOMMY.

>> Tommy: [ BLOWS ]

WHAT'S UP, STACY?

>> Stacy: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

RIGHT NOW?

>> Tommy: I WAS JUST...

>> Roland: Tell her that you

just finished shaving.

>> Tommy: I WAS JUST...SHAVING?

>> Stacy: ARE YOU ASKING ME?

>> Tommy: NO.

NO, I MEAN, WHAT'S UP?

>> Stacy: I WAS JUST WONDERING

IF YOU WANTED TO COME SWIMMING

RIGHT NOW.

>> Tommy: UM, YEAH, SURE.

LET ME -- YOU KNOW, LET ME GET

THE GUYS, AND -- WHAT -- WHAT

TIME DO YOU WANT US TO BE OVER?

>> Stacy: WHENEVER.

I'LL BE THERE.

LAST DAY OF SUMMER, YOU KNOW.

>> Tommy: MM-HMM.

>> Stacy: SEE YA!

>> Tommy: COOL. LATER.

>> Juan: WE'RE READY WHEN YOU

ARE, TOMMY.

>> Roland: HEY, DO YOU THINK HER

MOM'S GONNA BE HOME?

>> Mark: PROBABLY.

PARENTS NEVER LET THEIR KIDS GO

SWIMMING ALONE.

>> Roland: SHE IS SO FINE.

>> Mark: LET'S GO!

>> Tommy: GUYS, WAIT.

OKAY, WE HAVE TO HANDLE

OURSELVES BETTER THAN WE DID AT

MY HOUSE.

NO RESPECTABLE WOMAN CARES FOR A

MAN WHO DROOLS LIKE A DUMBASS.

>> Juan: YEAH.

>> Mark: WHEW, OKAY.

>> Juan: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> Mark: [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ HARP MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Tommy: GAH!

>> Stacy's Mom: [ LAUGHS ]

HI, GUYS.

COME ON IN.

STACY'S UPSTAIRS.

SHE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.

[ BOYS LAUGH NERVOUSLY ]

>> Juan: OKAY.

>> Stacy's Mom: [ LAUGHS ]

>> Mark: CANNONBALL!

OH! AH!

[ SPITS ]

WHOO!

YOU WERE RIGHT,

MRS. STACY'S MOM.

HUH!

THE WATER DOES FEEL GREAT ON

THESE...SWEATY DAYS.

>> Stacy's Mom: YOU ARE

ADORABLE, MARK.

>> Roland: WANT TO SEE ME?

>> Stacy's Mom: OF COURSE.

THAT WAS GREAT!

>> Roland: ON A SCALE FROM 1 TO

10?

>> Stacy's Mom: WELL, A 10, OF

COURSE.

>> Roland: ALL RIGHT!

>> Tommy: WATCH ME!

>> Stacy's Mom: [ LAUGHS ]

THAT WAS GREAT, TOMMY.

YEAH, TOMMY, THAT WAS GREAT.

>> Tommy: SEE, BITCHES?

>> Mark: SEE WHAT?

>> Tommy: THAT I'M THE FUCKIN'

GREATEST.

>> Mark: OH, THAT'S BULLSHIT.

>> Roland: WELL, AT LEAST I GOT

A 10.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET A RATING.

>> Stacy's Mom: WELL? JUAN?

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

>> Juan: OH, I'M NOT REALLY GOOD

AT THAT KIND OF THING.

>> Stacy's Mom: OH, COME ON.

I BET YOU'RE GREAT AT IT.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS TRY.

>> Juan: WELL, ALL RIGHT.

HERE I GO.

>> Mark: AM I GONNA BE THE ONE

TO SAVE HIM?

>> Tommy: YEAH.

>> Juan: AAH! AAH!

>> Stacy's Mom: YEAH, THAT WAS

GREAT.

>> Stacy: MOM, HE'S STILL

UNDERWATER.

>> Tommy: DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.

HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

MARK'S ON HIS WAY TO GET HIM

RIGHT NOW.

>> Mark: GOT HIM!

WHOO! HE'S OKAY.

HE'S OKAY.

>> Juan: [ MUMBLING

INCOHERENTLY ]

>> Stacy: THE GAME IS CALLED

"COLORS."

YOU ALL ANNOUNCE YOUR COLORS TO

EACH OTHER, BUT DO IT QUIETLY SO

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

>> Tommy: SO, WE PICK A COLOR?

>> Roland: ALL RIGHT, BLUE.

>> Juan: PERIWINKLE.

>> Tommy: GREEN.

>> Mark: BROWN.

NOW WHAT?

>> Stacy: HAVE YOU GUYS PICKED

YOUR COLORS YET?

>> Mark: YEAH.

>> Juan: OKAY!

>> Roland: UH-HUH.

>> Stacy: OKAY, I'M GONNA START

NAMING OFF COLORS.

IF I SAY YOURS, TRY TO SWIM TO

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL

WITHOUT ME HEARING YOU.

BUT IF I HEAR YOU, I'M GONNA

TURN AROUND AND TRY TO TAG YOU

BEFORE YOU HIT THE OTHER SIDE.

AND IF I DO TAG YOU, YOU'RE IT.

GOT IT?

>> Mark: GOT IT.

>> Roland: YEAH.

>> Tommy: GOT IT.

>> Mark: OKAY, THAT'S EASY

ENOUGH.

>> Stacy: ORANGE....YELLOW...

BLACK...

>> Tommy: HEY!

>> Mark: SHOULD WE --

>> Tommy: LOOK!

[ WHIMPERING ]

>> Juan: LOOK! LOOK!

>> Mark: OH...MY...GOODNESS!

>> * FIRED UP

>> * THE FLAMES ARE BURNIN'

HIGHER *

>> Mark: OH!

>> * YOU'RE MY ONLY DESIRE

>> * FIRED UP

>> * YOU MAKE ME SCREAM AND

SHOUT SOME *

>> Stacy: ...GREEN...BROWN...

BLUE...PERIWINKLE...TAN.

>> Juan: SEXY AS A CUPCAKE.

>> Stacy: HAVE I SAID YOUR GUYS'

COLORS YET?

>> Juan: NO, NO, NOT YET!

>> Mark: I'LL WALK BISCUIT AFTER

DINNER.

>> * LET ME HELP YOU OUT

WITH THAT SUNTAN OIL *

* LOOKIN' SO HOT, GIRL

* GONNA MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL

* NEVER SEEN A GIRL

WHO LOOKED SO DAMN FINE *

* SHE CAN STOP, DROP, AND ROLL

ON A DIME *

>> Tommy: DUDE, WE GOT TO START

COMING OVER HERE MORE OFTEN.

>> Mark: YEAH.

[ BELL RINGS ]

>> Tommy: WELL, THAT WAS IT.

SCHOOL HAD STARTED, AND WE

OFFICIALLY ONLY HAD 9 1/2 MORE

MONTHS BEFORE WE HAD SUMMER

AGAIN.

AND I KNEW THAT SCHOOL WAS GONNA

BE TOUGH THIS YEAR.

>> WELCOME, CLASS.

I'M PROFESSOR HERBERT.

BEFORE WE MOVE FURTHER, PLEASE

DO UNDERSTAND THAT, YES, I DO

INDEED HAVE MY WIFE'S FINGER

SITTING IN A JAR ON MY DESK.

FEEL FREE TO OBSERVE WHENEVER

YOU FEEL LIKE.

IN THIS CLASS, I WILL TEACH YOU

TO BECOME OBSERVERS OF SCIENCE.

NOW, WE'LL BE DOING HEAVY,

HANDS-ON WORK TO BETTER INFORM

YOU OF THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

THESE PRACTICES MAY INCLUDE BUT

ARE NOT LIMITED TO...

FLAMES, WATER, AND EXCESSIVE

DISSECTION OF PARTIALLY LIVING

BUT MOSTLY DEAD ANIMALS.

SHOULD ANY ONE OF YOU INJURE OR

SEVER ANY PART OF THEMSELVES,

PLEASE BRING IT TO ME TO

PRESERVE IN FORMALDEHYDE BEFORE

GOING TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE.

NOW, THEN...

WHO HERE HAS EVER CUT OPEN...

A PIG TESTICLE?

>> Professor Wood: ALL RIGHT,

GUYS, LET'S FACE IT.

WHAT IS IT THAT WE ALL WANT?

PUSSY, RIGHT?

>> [ Japanese accent ] LISTEN

UP, CLASS!

THIS IS ENGLISH COMPOSITION!

I GRADE TOUGH!

PERFECT ENGLISH MUST BE SPOKEN

FROM HERE AND OUT!

>> CALM DOWN, MRS. TAKEOUT.

>> STOP IT!

STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

SAVE YOUR JAPANESE JOKES FOR

HISTORY CLASS!

>> HELLO...

[ COUGHING ]

...CLASS.

[ COUGHING ]

WELCOME TO AMERICAN...

[ COUGHING ]

...HISTORY.

TODAY --

[ BELL RINGS ]

REMEMBER, TOMORROW...

[ STAMMERS ]

HMM.

>> Frankie: [ New Jersey

accent ] WELCOME TO HOME EC.

YOU KNOW, COOKIN' AND SHIT.

RELOCATION SAID I SHOULD FIND A

NAME THAT WOULD BE SIMPLE FOR

YOU GUYS TO REMEMBER, SO...

WHAT'S A GOOD NAME, GUYS?

UH...FUCKIN'...

UH...FRANKIE.

THAT'S THE FIRST GUY I EVER

SHOT.

I SHOT HIM RIGHT IN THE FUCKIN'

HEAD.

FRANKIE...THE...TEACH.

THAT'S ME.

NOW, THERE'S 30 OF YOUSE AND ONE

OF ME'S.

I AIN'T GOT TIME TO LEARN ALL

YOUR LITTLE FUCKIN' NAMES.

BUT WHEN I ASK YOU A QUESTION,

I WANT THAT FUCKIN' QUESTION

ANSWERED, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

AND WHAT YOU LEARN IN HERE

FUCKIN' STAYS IN HERE, YOU

LITTLE COCKSUCKERS, ALL RIGHT?

CAPISCE?

GOOD. WHO'S HUNGRY?

>> Von Bob: WELCOME, CLASS,

TO...

* INTRO TO MUSIC

MY NAME IS

PROFESSOR ALFRED VON BOB, AND

I'LL BE YOUR TEACHER FOR THIS

SEMESTER, ALTHOUGH YOU CAN THINK

OF ME MORE OF A MUSICIAN,

REALLY.

>> Roland: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS

SHIT.

>> Tommy: MAN, WE GOT TO LISTEN

TO THIS DOUCHE FOR A WHOLE

SEMESTER?

>> Roland: MAN, I TELL YOU, IF A

DUDE LIKE THAT CAN LAND SOMEONE

LIKE STACY'S MOM, THEN WE AIN'T

GONNA HAVE ANY TROUBLE.

>> Von Bob: NOW, I TAKE MUSIC

VERY SERIOUSLY.

AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE IN THIS

CLASSROOM, SO MUST YOU.

>> Tommy: WHO THE HELL DOES THIS

GUY THINK HE IS?

[ BELL RINGS ]

>> Mark: FRESH AIR AND SUNLIGHT,

HOW I MISS THEE.

>> Tommy: HURRAY, ONLY SIX MORE

YEARS UNTIL COLLEGE.

>> Juan: SO, UH, GUYS, WHAT'S

THE PLAN?

>> Roland: YOU DOWN FOR A FEW

ROUNDS OF "ULTIMATE BLOODTHIRSTY

CANNIBALISTIC KILLERS 4"?

>> Tommy: YEAH, BUT I ONLY GOT

TWO CONTROLLERS.

>> Juan: WE CAN TRADE OFF.

I GOT FIRST GAME.

>> Mark: NAH, I PREFER TO PLAY

IN ORDER FROM, YOU KNOW, BIGGEST

TO SMALLEST.

>> Juan: 'CAUSE IT'S CONVENIENT

FOR YOU, FATTY.

>> Stacy: HEY, GUYS.

>> Mark: HI, STACE.

>> Juan: HELLO.

>> Roland: WHAT'S UP, GIRL?

>> Tommy: HI, STACY.

>> Stacy: HOW WAS THE FIRST DAY?

>> Roland: ABOUT AS BAD AS ANY

OTHER SCHOOL DAY.

>> Stacy: REALLY?

OH. I LOVE SCHOOL.

>> Tommy: OH, YEAH, SAME HERE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M ALWAYS TELLING

THESE SLACKERS.

>> Mark: WHAT?

>> Stacy: GUYS, YOU SHOULD KNOW

HOW IMPORTANT SCHOOL IS.

IT HELPS BETTER YOUR LIFE FOR

THE FUTURE.

>> Tommy: YEAH, SO, UM, YOU,

LIKE, WANT TO COME OVER AND PLAY

VIDEO GAMES OR...

>> Stacy: [ CHUCKLES ]

VIDEO GAMES? NO, THANKS.

MY MOM HAS TO TAKE ME TO DANCE

PRACTICE.

[ HORN HONKS ]

OH, THERE SHE IS.

[ SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ PROVOCATIVE MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ ALL GRUNTING ]

>> Juan: HEY, UH, I GOT FIRST

GAME.

>> Mark: [ CHUCKLES ]

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S LIKE AN

ALTOID FOR YOUR --

>> Roland: MAN, I HEAR YOU, BUT

I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IT.

>> Juan: ISN'T THAT STUFF MEANT

FOR, LIKE, YOUR FEET?

>> Mark: YEAH, FOR, LIKE,

ADVERTISING PURPOSES.

DUDE, LOOK, YOU JUST PICK UP A

SMALL, BLUE BOTTLE AND YOU'RE

GOOD TO GO.

JUST DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND

AVOID THE TIP.

THAT WAS AN AWKWARD TRIP TO THE

EMERGENCY ROOM.

>> Juan: GOT IT.

>> Mark: HUH.

OOH!

[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

>> Tommy: HE'S PEEIN'!

>> Mark: I HAD TO GO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stacy's Mom: HEY, BOYS.

>> Mark: AH! OH!

HI, MRS. STACY'S MOM.

>> Tommy: HEY, STACY'S MOM.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

>> Mark: HUH.

[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

>> Tommy: DUDE, SHE DIDN'T SHUT

HER DOOR.

>> Roland: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> Tommy: AS IN SHE LEFT HER

HOUSE AND SHE DIDN'T SHUT HER

DOOR.

DUDE, WE SHOULD GO SHUT IT.

SOMEBODY MIGHT BREAK IN.

>> Juan: ALL RIGHT, COME ON,

GUYS.

>> Mark: I'M SO STUPID.

>> Tommy: I MEAN, HONESTLY, WHO,

IN THIS DAY AND AGE, DOESN'T

LEAVE THEIR HOUSE AND LOCK THEIR

DOOR?

>> Mark: MAYBE SHE'S GOT BRINKS

OR SOMETHING.

>> Juan: WHAT'S THAT, A MENTAL

DISEASE?

>> Roland: NO, MAN, IT'S A

SECURITY SYSTEM.

>> Juan: OH, MY BAD.

>> Tommy: OKAY, LET'S JUST SHUT

IT AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

>> Roland: SHUT IT?

MAN, THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY OF A

LIFETIME!

TALKING ABOUT PASSING THIS UP.

>> Tommy: PASSING WHAT UP?

>> Roland: A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY.

LET'S TAKE A LITTLE PEEK.

[ SPY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Tommy: DUDE, THIS AIN'T

RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, DON'T

YOU?

THIS IS BandE, DUDE.

WE COULD GO TO JAIL FOR LIKE 80

YEARS.

>> Roland: SHUT UP.

YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

>> Tommy: YOU SHUT UP.

>> Roland: LET'S GO UPSTAIRS.

>> Juan: ALL RIGHT.

>> Tommy: [ STAMMERING ]

DUDE, YOU GUYS ARE DICKS!

>> Mark: [ WHISTLES ]

WE HIT THE MOTHERSHIP.

>> Juan: I THINK THIS ROOM IS

BIGGER THAN MY WHOLE HOUSE.

>> Tommy: ALL RIGHT, ROLAND, YOU

GOT TO TAKE A PEEK.

NOW LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF

HERE, ALL RIGHT?

>> Juan: DUDE!

>> Tommy: DUDE, JUAN, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING?

>> Juan: TAKING MENTAL PICTURES,

MAN!

[ VIBRATORS BUZZ ]

>> Tommy: [ SCOFFS ]

MARK, ROLAND, GUYS!

>> Mark: [ IMITATES LIGHTSABER ]

>> Roland: "LUKE, I AM YOUR

FATHER."

>> Mark: "NO, IT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S NOT TRUE."

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Tommy: MARK!

GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Mark: THIS BATHROOM IS GREAT.

COMES WITH ALL-PURPOSE

MASSAGERS.

ZZZ!

>> Tommy: ALL-PURPOSE WHAT?

>> Roland: YEAH, THEY WORK

ANYWHERE.

>> Mark: YEAH, LIKE EVEN ON YOUR

JAW.

IT HELPS RELAX IT.

[ SNIFFS ]

SMELLS KIND OF FUNNY, THOUGH,

BUT I'M ASSUMING IT'S JUST THE

MATERIAL.

>> Tommy: GIVE ME THAT.

GIVE ME THIS.

STOP. STOP! OKAY?

[ SCOFFS ]

WHAT THE -- WHAT THE HELL IS ALL

THIS?

I DON'T EVEN -- OH, SHOOT, DUDE.

OH, CRAP.

>> Roland: [ COUGHING ]

>> Mark: SMELL GOOD?

>> Roland: [ COUGHING ]

>> Mark: HUH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Tommy: COME ON.

GUYS, WE -- WE GOT TO FIND JUAN

AND LEAVE.

>> Mark: OKAY.

Juan! Juan!

>> Tommy: SHIT, MAN, WHERE IS

HE?

>> Mark: I TOLD YOU -- SHE HAS

BRINKS.

>> Juan: AAH!

>> Roland: WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING THOSE?

>> Juan: I DON'T KNOW, BUT

FUNNY, RIGHT?

>> Tommy: DUDE, GET THOSE BRAS

OFF.

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

>> Juan: WHAT THE...

>> Tommy: OH, MY GOD!

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU

DOING, MARK?

>> Mark: I WANT TO UNDERSTAND

THE SCIENCE OF MY MOVEMENT.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ MOANS ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

I THINK IT'S A CRAFT.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> Tommy: OH, SHIT, MAN!

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

GET OFF HER BED!

GET THOSE BRAS OFF!

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

YO, COME ON!

MAN, THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

[ ALL WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]

YOU IDIOT!

>> Roland: I'M THE IDIOT?

>> Tommy: YES, YOU ARE!

>> Roland: I'M THE IDIOT?

[ ALL WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> Roland: Shit, shit, shit!

>> Tommy: Dude, shut up!

>> Mark: FREAKING IDIOT.

>> Tommy: Shut up!

Shh, guys.

>> Roland: We're gonna get in

trouble.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> Mark: Go, go, go!

[ ALL WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]

>> Juan: WHEW!

>> Mark: COME ON.

LET'S GO, GUYS.

>> Roland: AH, WE MADE IT.

LET'S GO.

>> Tommy: NONE OF US WOULD ADMIT

IT THEN, BUT THE COMPETITION HAD

BEGUN.

THAT MOMENT OF BEING IN HER

HOUSE WAS THE MOST THRILLING AND

TERRIFYING DAY OF OUR LIVES.

BUT I THINK THAT'S WHAT WE LIKED

MOST ABOUT IT.

>> Von Bob: NOW, LISTEN CLOSELY,

CLASS.

I URGE YOU TO EXPERIENCE

SOMETHING BEYOND YOUR BUBBLEGUM

POP PRINCESSES THAT HIDE BEHIND

COMPUTER DIGITATION.

TO SING TRULY IS NOT TO BE A

BY-PRODUCT OF MODERN

CORPORATIONS, BUT IT IS TO BE A

FORCE OF NATURE WITHIN ONESELF.

AND IF YOU ARE TO DISCOVER THAT

FORCE, PERHAPS ONE DAY, YOU,

TOO, WILL BE AS SUCCESSFUL AS I.

[ BELL RINGS ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

>> Roland: DAMN.

A GUY LIKE YOU?

HOW THE HELL YOU LAND A BABE

LIKE THAT?

>> Von Bob: I-I'M SORRY?

>> Roland: NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I WOULDN'T BE, EITHER.

>> Tommy: PROFESSOR?

>> Professor Wood: TOMMY!

YOU OLD SON OF A BITCH, GET

IN HERE!

>> Tommy: AFTERNOON,

PROFESSOR WOOD.

>> Professor Wood: PLEASE,

TOMMY, PLEASE, CALL ME "HARRY."

AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I DON'T SEE YOU TILL AFTER

LUNCH.

>> Tommy: I JUST WANTED TO CATCH

YOU BEFORE CLASS.

>> Professor Wood: OH, OKAY.

UH...

[ SPROING! ]

HEY, THIRSTY?

>> Tommy: UH, NO, NO.

NO, THANKS.

>> Professor Wood: NO?

>> Tommy: WHAT ARE YOU DOING,

ANYWAYS?

>> Professor Wood: THIS IS A

DEMONSTRATION FOR NEXT PERIOD.

SO [SIGHS] WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> Tommy: WELL, I...KIND OF GOT

A PROBLEM.

>> Professor Wood: OH, DRUG

TEST, HUH?

YOU KNOW, I GOT SOME LEFTOVER

URINE IN THE FRIDGE IF YOU NEED

IT.

>> Tommy: NO, NO.

N-NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT.

>> Professor Wood: OH.

OHH! I GET IT.

CAN'T GET IT UP, HUH?

LISTEN, TOMMY, DON'T USE ANY OF

THOSE FANCY PILLS, DUDE.

I USE SO MANY, MY DICK LOOKS 20

YEARS OLDER THAN I DO.

YOU FEEL ME HERE?

>> Tommy: NO, I DON'T.

>> Professor Wood: WELL, IT

CAN'T BE WOMEN.

>> Tommy: YES, EXACTLY.

YOU KNOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN

MY LIFE, I --

>> Professor Wood: DITCHED THE

RUBBER?

OOH, THAT'S RISKY.

BUT WHAT A DIFFERENCE!

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Tommy: LOOK, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT, OKAY?

I JUST -- I LIKE AN OLDER CHICK,

AND I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO

IMPRESS HER.

LOOK, I JUST -- I FEEL LOST AS

FAR AS WOMEN ARE CONCERNED, AND

I WANT HER TO THINK OF ME AS A

MAN, NOT A KID, YOU KNOW?

[ SIGHS ]

I JUST FIGURED YOU KNOW A LOT

ABOUT WOMEN.

>> Professor Wood: WELL, I HAVE

BANGED A LOT OF CHICKS.

MAYBE I COULD HELP.

>> Tommy: WELL, WHAT DO WOMEN

FIND ATTRACTIVE, AND HOW DO YOU

KNOW IF THEY'RE ATTRACTED TO YOU

AT ALL?

YOU KNOW, I JUST -- I JUST

WANTED TO GET HER TO THE NEXT

LEVEL.

>> Professor Wood: HMM.

YOU EVER HEARD OF ONE IN THE

STINK PRODUCTIONS?

>> Tommy: NO. WHY?

>> Professor Wood: I GOT SOME

HOMEWORK FOR YOU.

>> Tommy: I MEAN, YEAH, HE GAVE

US THESE DVDs AND THESE

MAGAZINES TO FLIP THROUGH, SO...

>> Roland: WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED

TO FIND?

>> Tommy: I DON'T KNOW.

HE SAID THAT IT WOULD HELP US

GET IN TOUCH WITH WHAT LADIES

WANT.

>> Juan: IS THIS WHAT WOMEN

WANT?

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN

PULL IT OFF.

>> Mark: POP IT ON.

WE'LL FIND OUT.

>> Tommy: YEAH, WE MAY AS WELL.

>> Mark: FIRE THAT IN.

WHEW!

[ PORN MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> DICK IS ALWAYS NICE.

YOU READY?

AH!

>> COME HERE, BABY.

>> [ GIGGLES ]

>> YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?

SO GOOD.

YOU GONNA TAKE THOSE OFF?

>> OH, JESUS, YOU'RE MURDERING

MY BACK!

>> TAKE IT.

OH, I LIKE IT, YEAH.

STICK IT IN.

THAT'S SO GOOD.

YEAH.

UNH, UNH!

OH, YEAH.

>> Juan: I'M NOT COOL ENOUGH TO

GET LAID.

>> Roland: WELL, ACCORDING TO

GQ, "IT'S ALL IN THE WAY YOU

PRESENT YOURSELF."

>> Juan: IT'S PRESENTATION, HUH?

>> YOU'RE SUCH A BIG BOY.

OH, MY GOD!

[ SQUEALING ]

>> OH, GOD, IT'S GOOD, IT'S

GOOD.

OH, YEAH, I'M GONNA --

YEAH!

[ SPLAT! ]

>> Both: WHOA!

>> Sandra: EVERYTHING OKAY UP

THERE, BOYS?

>> Tommy: UH, YEAH, FINE.

>> Richard: YOU ALL RIGHT, BABE?

>> Sandra: [ SIGHS ]

HEY.

>> Richard: HONEY?

>> Sandra: MWAH!

>> Richard: I LOVE YOU.

>> Sandra: LOVE YOU, TOO.

WHAT YOU DOING?

I WONDER WHAT THE HELL THOSE

KIDS DO UP THERE ALL THE TIME.

>> Richard: OH, I'M SURE IT'S

JUST INNOCENT KID STUFF, BABE.

>> Mark: AND -- AND IT WAS JUST

DRIPPING OFF HER FACE!

AND SHE WAS LOVING IT!

>> Juan: WELL, DID YOU GUYS

LEARN ANYTHING?

>> Tommy: YEAH, YOU CAN PRETTY

MUCH FIND A HOLE ANYWHERE.

MAN, THIS IS HOPELESS!

HOW DO WE EVEN UNDERSTAND WOMEN?

WELL, A WOMAN LIKE STACY'S MOM,

AT LEAST.

>> Juan: YEAH.

I JUST WANT TO SEE HER BIG,

DELICIOUS BOOBIES.

>> Mark: YEAH.

>> Roland: YEAH.

>> Tommy: [ SLURPING ]

>> Mark: HEY, YOU GUYS WANT TO

WATCH ANOTHER ONE?

>> Roland: YEAH, SURE, BUT MAYBE

THIS TIME IT SHOULD BE A BIT

MORE INFORMATIVE.

>> Tommy: IT'S PORN, DUDE.

[ PORN MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Mark: [ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> Uncle Dick: HEY, THERE,

LITTLE MISS MoonPie.

TOMMY'S UP IN THE TREE HOUSE.

PROSTATE. ASK YOUR MOTHER.

>> Mark: A-ACTUALLY, DICK, I

CAME HERE TO TALK TO YOU.

>> Uncle Dick: OH, REALLY?

WELL, ASSWIPE, I'M ALL OUT OF

CORN DOGS, BUT, HEY, GOOD

NEWS -- I GOT A FRESH TUB OF

MAYONNAISE YOU CAN GUZZLE DOWN.

>> Mark: LOOK, DICK, THIS ISN'T

EASY FOR ME.

I KNOW YOU'RE INTO HEALTH AND

SHIT, SO I THOUGHT I COULD COME

TO YOU.

>> Uncle Dick: COME TO ME FOR

WHAT EXACTLY?

>> Mark: [ SIGHS ]

WELL...YOU MIND IF I COME IN?

>> Uncle Dick: YEAH, YEAH,

ACTUALLY, I DO.

I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW.

>> Mark: OKAY.

UM, WELL, YOU SEE, I LIKE THIS

GIRL -- WELL, THIS WOMAN.

>> Uncle Dick: [ CHUCKLES ]

COME ON IN, JABBA.

>> Mark: [ SIGHS ]

I JUST DON'T KNOW ABOUT THESE

MOVIES, DICK.

I MEAN, I'VE TRIED WATCHING A

COUPLE LATELY, BUT THEY'RE NOT

REALLY WORKING FOR ME.

>> Uncle Dick: [ CHUCKLES ]

SO, UH, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A

LITTLE ONE-ON-ONE ASSISTANCE?

WHAT, YOU -- YOU WANT ME TO

BECOME YOUR PERSONAL FUCKIN'

TRAINER?

>> Mark: WELL, NO, BUT SORT OF.

>> Uncle Dick: WHAT MAKES YOU

THINK I HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT?

>> Mark: WELL, WHAT THE HELL

ELSE DO YOU DO?

LISTEN, DICK, IF YOU DON'T WORK

FAST, I COULD LOSE HER.

>> Uncle Dick: TO WHO?

>> Mark: TO ANYBODY!

WHY DOES IT MATTER?

I MEAN, SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND

NOW, BUT WHY SHOULD THAT STOP

ME?

>> Uncle Dick: BECAUSE SHE'S

TAKEN, NIMROD!

GAME'S OVER.

>> Mark: GAME'S NOT OVER!

SHE'LL DUMP THIS DOUCHEBAG ONCE

SHE SEES WHAT A MAN I AM.

SHE'LL BE ALL OVER ME.

LOOK, DICK, I NEED THIS, AND

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN

HELP ME.

>> Uncle Dick: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

IF I DO THIS FOR YOU, YOU LISTEN

TO EVERY WORD I SAY, YOU WORK

EVERY MUSCLE I TELL YOU TO WORK,

YOU BREATHE WHEN I TELL YOU TO

BREATHE, AND YOU DO NOT BITCH

ABOUT IT, YOU UNDERSTAND?

>> Mark: HONESTLY, DICK, I'VE

NEVER FELT THIS WAY ABOUT

ANYONE.

WHENEVER I SEE HER, I LOSE MY

BREATH.

AND I JUST DREAM OF HOLDING

HER...

LARGE BREASTS.

>> Uncle Dick: ALL RIGHT, OKAY,

ALL RIGHT.

WHEN DO YOU WANT TO START?

>> Mark: IMMEDIATELY.

>> Uncle Dick: YOU MEET ME HERE

TOMORROW MORNING, 7:00 A.M.

SHARP, ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA BREAK YOU DOWN AND

BUILD YOU UP INTO A FUCKING

GREEK STATUE!

HOW DOES THAT SOUND, HUH?

AND THIS -- THIS, MY LITTLE

JABBA, WILL BE MY CLAY, HUH?

>> Mark: THANKS, DICK.

I'LL BE THERE.

AND YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.

OH, AND, UH, BY THE WAY, YOU

MENTIONED SOMETHING EARLIER

ABOUT A TUB OF MAYONNAISE?

>> Uncle Dick: GET OUT OF HERE,

BUTTERBALL!

TOMORROW MORNING, 7:00 A.M.,

YOUR ASS IS MINE!

[ SIGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

PUSSY.

[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]

>> Richard: WHOO! HEE-HEE-HEE!

WHOO!

FUCK YOU! HEE-HEE!

MOTHER FUCKER!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO!

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU,

FUCK YOU!

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU,

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!

SHIT.

OH, TOMMY.

HEY, MORNING, BUDDY.

SLEEP WELL?

UH, HUNGRY, PAL?

MAKE YOU SOMETHING TO EAT?

>> Tommy: NO, ACTUALLY, I JUST

WANTED THE MONEY THAT YOU OWED

ME.

>> Richard: OOH, UM, I DON'T

KNOW, SON.

ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT RIGHT

NOW...MY --

>> Tommy: DAD?

OKAY, THERE'S THIS GIRL THAT I

REALLY WANT TO TAKE TO THE

DANCE, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY

MONEY TO DO IT, AND I REALLY

NEED YOUR HELP.

I REALLY WANT TO IMPRESS HER.

>> Richard: THAT'S...

THAT'S WICKED AWESOME, SON.

COME HERE AND SIT DOWN FOR A

MINUTE.

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

YEAH, GOT YOU A LITTLE

GIRLFRIEND, HUH?

LISTEN, UM...

YOU KNOW, THERE COMES A TIME IN

EVERY YOUNG MAN'S LIFE WHEN

THERE ARE -- THERE ARE CERTAIN

THINGS THAT WE HAVE TO REALIZE.

WE HAVE TO LEARN TO COMPROMISE

ABOUT -- UM, IN ORDER TO GROW

UP, TO BECOME AN ADULT, AND --

>> Tommy: DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD.

STOP AVOIDING THE QUESTION,

OKAY?

YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME.

I NEED YOU TO HELP ME, BUT YOU

KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE MAKING THINGS WORSE,

OKAY?

>> Richard: TOMMY, TOMMY, DON'T

BE A SPAZ.

>> Tommy: A SPAZ? WHAT?

I'M NOT BEING A SPAZ!

YOU NEVER HELP ME WITH ANYTHING!

>> Richard: OKAY, TAKE A CHILL

PILL, TOMMY.

ALL RIGHT? JUST CHILL.

>> Tommy: [ GROANS ]

>> Richard: ALL RIGHT, HERE'S

WHAT I'LL DO.

HERE'S WHAT I'LL DO, SON.

I UNDERSTAND YOUR PREDICAMENT.

ALL RIGHT?

DO AN AWESOME JOB MOWING THE

LAWN AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE 10

BUCKS I OWE YOU.

AND I'LL THROW IN ANOTHER $10 ON

TOP OF IT.

>> Tommy: REALLY?

>> Richard: YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

>> Tommy: ARE YOU -- ARE YOU

SERIOUS?

>> Richard: TOMMY, $25 IS A LOT

OF MONEY TO A KID YOUR AGE, SON,

AND I UNDERSTAND.

>> Tommy: HMM.

ALL RIGHT.

>> Richard: ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE GONNA IMPRESS THIS GIRL.

>> Tommy: ALL RIGHT.

>> Richard: I TRUST YOU.

I KNOW YOU.

>> Tommy: SORRY FOR, UH,

YELLING.

>> Richard: HEY, YOU KNOW,

HORMONES, PUBERTY -- I-I

REMEMBER.

I UNDERSTAND.

>> Tommy: YEAH, WELL, GOT TO GET

GOING.

>> Richard: ALL RIGHT, AND GET

THAT LITTLE PART WHERE THE DOG

CRAPS IN THE -- RIGHT NEAR IN

THE FRONT.

RIGHT ON.

[ GROANS ]

[ GROANS ]

[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]

OH, YOU'RE MINE. YOU'RE MINE.

>> Stacy: HEY, TOMMY.

>> Tommy: HEY.

>> Stacy: HEY, UH, DO YOU WANT

TO COME SWIMMING OVER AT MY

HOUSE?

>> Stacy's Mom: OH, YEAH, YOU

SHOULD.

THE POOL'S GREAT.

>> Tommy: YEAH, I'LL BE OVER IN

A MINUTE.

I JUST KIND OF GOT TO FINISH UP

HERE.

MY, UH, DAD'S PAYING ME, SO...

>> Stacy's Mom: OH, REALLY?

WOW, THAT'S VERY MATURE OF YOU.

I WISH I HAD DONE THAT WHEN I

WAS YOUNGER.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I'D PAY YOU TO

COME OVER AND MOW MY LAWN, TOO,

BUT YOU'RE PROB--

>> Tommy: YEAH, SURE, SURE.

I'LL DO IT, I'LL DO IT.

LET ME FINISH UP HERE, SO IT'LL

BE LIKE 20 MINUTES, YOU KNOW.

>> Stacy's Mom: OKAY, COOL.

I'VE GOT TO TAKE A SHOWER

ANYWAY, SO I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

>> Stacy: I'LL SEE YOU IN A

LITTLE BIT, MOM.

>> Stacy's Mom: OKAY, BABY.

[ DOG BARKS ]

>> Stacy: SO, UM, TOMMY...

ARE YOU PLANNING ON GOING TO THE

DANCE?

>> Tommy: OH, WHAT WAS THAT?

I'M SORRY.

>> Stacy: THE NADDIE HAWKINS

DANCE -- ARE YOU GOING?

>> Tommy: MM, YEAH, YEAH, SURE,

I'LL BE THERE, YEAH.

>> Stacy: COOL. ME TOO.

EXCEPT I HAVEN'T FOUND A DATE

YET.

NO GUY HAS ASKED ME.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

>> Tommy: YEAH, NO GUYS ASKED

ME, EITHER.

>> Stacy: [ CHUCKLES ]

NO, I MEAN, WHO ARE YOU GOING

WITH?

>> Tommy: OH, OH.

HAVEN'T REALLY PUT MUCH THOUGHT

INTO IT, YOU KNOW.

ANYWAYS, I GOT TO GET, UH -- YOU

KNOW, GET DONE MOWING THE GRASS,

SO A SWIM LATER, YEAH?

>> Stacy: YEAH.

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

>> Tommy: ALL RIGHT, BYE.

>> Uncle Dick: COME ON, PORKER!

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN MADE THE SECOND

MILE YET!

>> Mark: DICK!

DICK, YOU THINK MAYBE I COULD

HAVE SOME WATER?

>> Uncle Dick: ABSOLUTELY.

>> Mark: OHH.

>> Uncle Dick: AH!

>> Mark: WHAT?

>> Uncle Dick: NOT UNTIL

YOU GET HOME THERE, MEAT PIE.

LET'S KEEP THAT JELLY JIGGLING.

MOVE IT!

[ LAWN MOWER ENGINE CHUGGING ]

>> Stacy's Mom: HEY, TOMMY.

OH, HEY, LISTEN, YOU MISSED A

SPOT RIGHT OVER THERE.

>> Tommy: OKAY.

[ ENGINE STOPS ]

[ ENGINE SPUTTERS ]

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

[ ENGINE STOPS ]

>> Mark: HOW THE HELL DO YOU

WEAR THIS THING?

I'M SWEATING -- SWEATING --

I'M DYING IN HERE!

>> Uncle Dick: AH, CALM YOUR

CURLY TAIL THERE, PORKY PIG BOY.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT

A SWEATSUIT, YOU LARD TARD?

>> Mark: HEY, COULD WE MAYBE

STICK TO ONE INSULT A STATEMENT?

IT'S HARD ENOUGH AS IT IS, DICK.

>> Uncle Dick: ALL RIGHT, YOU

FAT HUMP, TAKE 10.

I GOT TO GO SHIT.

WHAT A PUSSY.

>> Mark: HEY, TOMMY, HOW'S IT

GOING?

>> Tommy: OH, HEY, MARK.

DIDN'T I JUST SEE YOU WITH MY

UNCLE A COUPLE SECONDS AGO?

>> Mark: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Tommy: UM, YOU LOOK KIND OF

SWEATY, MAN.

>> Mark: YEAH, HE'S JUST, UH,

HELPING ME, UH, LOSE A FEW

POUNDS.

>> Tommy: YEAH, FOR WHAT?

>> Mark: SO, WHAT -- WHAT ARE

YOU DOING OVER HERE AT STACY'S?

>> Tommy: NOT MUCH.

YOU KNOW, JUST EARNING SOME

MONEY.

I'M GONNA GO SWIMMING WITH STACY

IN A BIT.

>> Mark: I SEE WHAT YOU'RE UP

TO, BUDDY.

YOU REALLY THINK YOU'LL WIN HER

LIKE THAT?

>> Tommy: HUH?

>> Mark: GETTING FRIENDLY WITH

STACY JUST TO GET CLOSE TO HER

MOM?

YOU MAKE ME SICK!

>> Tommy: WELL, I-I DON'T -- I

DON'T GET YOU.

>> Mark: PLAYING DIRTY, HUH?

HEAVY COMPETITION, EH?

>> Tommy: WELL, APPARENTLY NOT

AS HEAVY AS MY OTHER

COMPETITION.

>> Mark: OH, MAN!

I'M GONNA SLAUGHTER YOU LIKE

THAT CHICKEN I SLAUGHTERED AT

THE NATIONAL

CHICKEN-SLAUGHTERING COMPETITION

BACK IN '04!

>> Tommy: WHATEVER YOU SAY,

BUDDY.

WELL, LISTEN, I GOT TO GET BACK,

TO, YOU KNOW, DO MY YARDWORK.

I GOT TO FINISH UP SOON, SO...

>> Mark: COOL, COOL.

WE HANGING LATER?

>> Tommy: OH, YEAH, MAN, YEAH.

DUDE, TOTALLY.

>> Mark: ALL RIGHT, SWEET.

LATER, MAN.

>> Tommy: ALL RIGHT, LATER,

BUDDY.

>> Mark: ALL RIGHT.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

>> Roland: [ YAWNS ]

[ Deep voice ] HUH? HUH?

OH, MAN.

>> Randall: HEY, YO, ROLAND!

YO, YOU IN THERE?

[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]

HURRY UP, MAN!

I'M SQUEEZING MY CHEEKS OUT

HERE!

>> Roland: JUST A MINUTE!

>> Randall: YO, WHO THE FUCK IS

THIS?

>> Roland: RANDALL, IT'S ME.

>> Randall: HEY, YO, HEY,

LISTEN, DAWG, LOOK, TAKE

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

JUST KEEP YOUR FUCKIN' HANDS

OFF MY LITTLE BRO!

>> Roland: RANDALL, IT'S ME!

IT'S YOUR BROTHER!

>> Randall: YO, DON'T TALK TO ME

LIKE YOU KNOW ME!

YOU DON'T KNOW ME!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BATHROOM!

>> Roland: [ SIGHS ]

MAN, JUST GET IN HERE!

>> Randall: OH.

OH, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M COMING

UP IN THERE!

YO, ROLAND, YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

WHERE'D HE GO?

>> Roland: RANDALL, IT'S JUST

ME.

>> Randall: WELL, WHAT THE FUCK?

>> Roland: LOOK, MAN, I'M JUST

AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL'S

HAPPENING AROUND HERE.

>> Randall: WELL, AT LEAST NOW

YOU GOT A REASON TO ASK POPS FOR

A RAZOR.

>> Roland: MAN, THAT'S THE LEAST

OF MY PROBLEMS.

>> Randall: GOD DAMN!

TRUST ME ROLAND, ALL RIGHT?

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO STAG TO A

DANCE.

NOW, I KNOW A LOT OF YOUR

FRIENDS THINK THAT'S A WAY OF

BEING COOL BY KEEPING YOUR

OPTIONS OPEN.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU, WOMEN WON'T

EVER WANT YOU UNTIL ANOTHER

WOMAN'S GOT YOU, YOU FEEL ME?

>> Roland: I GUESS SO, BUT --

>> Randall: LOOK, IF YOU SHOW UP

WITH SOMEONE ELSE, YOU'RE JUST

GONNA LOOK THAT MUCH MORE

UNATTAINABLE, BABY.

[ SIGHS ]

LOOK, DRIVES 'EM FUCKIN' WILD.

I MEAN, BESIDES, YOUR BOY CAN

GET YOU BITCHES.

BUT WOMEN?

NO CAN DO, DAWG.

MNH-MNH.

>> Roland: WHY NOT?

>> Randall: DO NOT HAVE THE

ENERGY.

'CAUSE, SEE, WOMEN -- WOMEN DIG

WHEN YOU RELATE TO SOMETHING

THEY LIKE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE CHICK CRAP --

FLOWERS, DANCING, ALL THAT

ROMANTIC SHIT.

THINK...

THINK -- THINK WILL SMITH,

USHER -- POLISHED, CLEAN,

TALENTED NIGGAS.

YOU JUST GOT TO GET OUT THERE

AND EXPLORE YOUR FEMININE SIDE,

YO.

>> Roland: WHICH SIDE IS THAT?

>> Randall: [ CHUCKLES ]

NO, MAN, I MEAN MENTALLY, OKAY?

YOUR SENSITIVE SIDE.

GIVE IT A TRY.

IT MAY JUST WORK.

>> Roland: ALL RIGHT.

[ INTRO TO THE O'JAYS'

"BACK STABBERS" PLAYS ]

>> Uncle Dick: COME ON, MEAT!

DO IT! DO IT!

>> Mark: NO, I CAN'T!

>> Uncle Dick: WHAT ARE YOU, A

MAN OR A DOUCHEBAG?!

LET'S GO, LET'S GO! COME ON!

>> * WHAT THEY DO?

>> * THEY SMILIN' IN YOUR FACE

>> * ALL THE TIME,

THEY WANT TO TAKE YOUR PLACE *

* THE BACK STABBERS

>> * BACK STABBERS

>> Uncle Dick: LET'S GO, YOU

LITTLE PANTYWAIST!

COME ON!

>> Mark: I CAN'T!

>> Uncle Dick: YES, YOU CAN!

COME ON, MARSHMALLOW BOY!

MOVE IT! FIVE MORE!

>> Mark: SHUT UP!

>> Uncle Dick: LET'S DO IT!

>> * ...YOU REALLY CARE

* YEAH, YEAH

* THEN IT'S ALL OF YOU FELLAS

WHO BETTER BEWARE *

* YEAH, YEAH

* SOMEBODY'S OUT

TO GET YOUR LADY *

* A FEW OF YOUR BUDDIES

* THEY SURE LOOK SHADY

* BLADES ARE LONG,

CLENCHED TIGHT IN THEIR FIST *

>> Uncle Dick: COME ON, YOU

PATHETIC TUNA ROLL!

KICK THOSE TREE TRUNKS!

YEAH! YEAH, THAT'S IT!

YEAH! WHOO-HOO-HOO!

>> * THE BACK STABBERS

>> * BACK STABBERS

>> * I KEEP GETTIN'

ALL THESE VISITS

FROM MY FRIENDS *

* YEAH, WHAT THEY DOIN' TO ME?

* THEY COME TO MY HOUSE AGAIN

AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN *

* YEAH

>> Uncle Dick: COME ON, YOU

LUMPY WUSS!

GIVE ME FIVE! THAT'S IT!

THAT'S A SMOOTH RIDE!

COME ON! TWO MORE!

LET'S GO!

[ HOWLS ]

>> * ...GET ON THE RIGHT TRACK

* I WISH THEY'D TAKE SOME OF

THESE KNIVES OFF MY BACK *

>> * WHAT THEY DO?

>> * THEY SMILIN' IN YOUR FACE

>> * ALL THE TIME,

THEY WANT TO TAKE YOUR PLACE *

* THE BACK STABBERS

>> * BACK STABBERS

>> * AHHH

* AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AHHH

* LOWDOWN

* DIRTY

>> * WHAT THEY DO?

>> * THEY SMILIN' IN YOUR FACE

>> * SMILIN' FACES

* SMILIN' FACES

SOMETIMES TELL LIES *

>> * THEY SMILIN' IN YOUR FACE

>> * I DON'T NEED

LOW DOWN, DIRTY BASTARDS *

>> * THEY SMILIN' IN YOUR FACE

>> * DA DA DA

* DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

>> * BACK STABBERS

>> * MIGHT BE YOUR NEIGHBOR

* YOUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR,

YEAH *

>> Stacy: THANKS, MOM.

>> Stacy's Mom: STACY, WAIT!

DON'T FORGET YOUR LUNCH.

>> Stacy: THANKS, MOM.

>> Stacy's Mom: SO, I WILL SEE

YOU RIGHT BACK HERE AT 3:00?

OKAY, COOL.

>> Tommy: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

MAN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- IF

BUSINESS KEEPS BOOMING, I'M

GONNA HAVE TO HIRE ME SOME HELP.

>> Stacy's Mom: WOW.

SO, YOUR LITTLE BUSINESS IS

DOING WELL, HUH?

>> Tommy: EH, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR

ME TO BE SELF-SUFFICIENT.

>> Stacy: BOY, TOMMY.

I LOVE THAT IN A MAN.

>> Stacy's Mom: YEAH, VERY

ADMIRABLE.

>> Tommy: YEAH, I THINK

ADMIRATION IS THE KEY TO A

WOMAN'S HEART, YOU KNOW?

>> Roland: HELLO. GOOD MORNING.

BEAUTIFUL DAY, IS IT NOT?

>> Tommy: ROLAND, YOU'RE EARLY

TODAY, BUDDY.

>> Roland: YEAH, I HAD A DREAM

LAST NIGHT.

I HAD TO GET SOME FLOWERS FOR

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I SAW

TODAY.

MY SEARCH...IS OVER.

>> Stacy's Mom: OH.

ROLAND, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

>> Roland: COME ON, LET'S FACE

IT -- WHO'S MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN

YOU?

>> Stacy's Mom: [ CHUCKLES ]

COME ON, THERE'S A LOT OF WOMEN

OUT THERE WHO ARE FAR MORE

BEAUTIFUL THAN ME.

>> Mark: MORNING, MOST BEAUTIFUL

WOMAN ON EARTH.

>> Stacy: HEY, MARK.

>> Mark: HI, STACY.

HI, STACY'S MOM.

>> Stacy's Mom: MORNING, MARK.

SO, UH, YOU JOGGING TO SCHOOL

THESE DAYS?

>> Mark: OH, I JOG EVERYWHERE

THESE DAYS.

YOU KNOW, KEEPS THE HEART RATE

UP, CALORIES DOWN.

>> Stacy's Mom: WELL, THAT'S

GREAT, YOU KNOW?

TAKES A LOT OF HARD WORK AND

DEDICATION TO STAY HEALTHY.

>> Mark: YEAH, WELL, IT WAS A

LOT OF HARD WORK.

>> Stacy: IT SHOWS, MARK.

IT REALLY DOES.

>> Stacy's Mom: WOW, LOOK AT YOU

GUYS BECOMING MEN SO QUICKLY.

YOU GUYS SHOULD ALL BE VERY

PROUD OF YOURSELVES.

WELL, AND I SHOULD BE GOING, SO

I WILL SEE YOU BACK HERE AT

3:00, YEAH?

>> Stacy: MM-HMM.

>> Stacy's Mom: OKAY. BYE, GUYS.

>> Mark: BYE, STACY'S MOM.

>> Roland: BYE.

>> Tommy: SEE YOU, SWEETIE.

>> Stacy: HEY, WHERE HAS JUAN

BEEN LATELY?

>> Mark: UH, I DON'T KNOW.

WE HAVEN'T REALLY SEEN HIM,

EITHER.

[ INTRO TO JK's "GO BIG OR GO

HOME" PLAYS ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> * BREAK OUT THE TRUMPETS

AND POLISH THE CROWNS *

* ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET

'CAUSE THE KINGS ARE IN TOWN *

* GOT TO PRACTICE

SOME LYRICS AND BEATS *

* TAKE IT FROM ME, "G"

* PEOPLE LININ' UP

JUST TO CATCH A GLIMPSE *

* OF THE DROP-TOP CHEVY

FULL OF HOES AND PIMPS *

* ROLLIN' ON 20s

6 AND 10 DEEP *

* POLISHED ELDORADOS,

YEAH, WE GOT A WHOLE FLEET *

* NEVER DISCREET,

WE GO BIG OR GO HOME *

* PLATINUM, ICE,

AND DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED CHROME *

* NEVER SLEEP 'CAUSE YOU NEVER

KNOW WHO'S CREEPIN' *

* NEVER SLEEP 'CAUSE IF YOU

SLEEP, THEN YOU'RE SLEEPIN' *

* YOU GOT TO WATCH YOUR BACK,

YOUR FRONT, AND BOTH SIDES *

* WHEN SHIT BLOWS UP,

YOU GLIDE *

* TAKE IT FROM ME, "G"

* GO BIG OR GO HOME

* WE GO BIG, WE GO BIG...

>> Roland: YO, WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE --

>> Juan: YO, WHAT UP, DAWG?

>> Mark: [ Laughing ] WHAT THE

HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?

>> Juan: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU

SAY TO ME?

>> Mark: [ Chuckling ] NOTHING.

>> Juan: SO, DAWG, WHAT'S THIS I

HEAR ABOUT YOU TAKING FOOD OFF

MY TABLE?

>> Tommy: WHAT?

>> Juan: MOWING LAWNS NOW,

HOMEY, HUH?

TAKING BUSINESS AWAY FROM MY

DAD, DAWG?

>> Stacy's Mom: JUAN, WHAT

HAPPENED TO YOU?

>> Juan: YOUR FINE ASS HAPPENED

TO ME, BABY GIRL.

>> Stacy's Mom: I'M SORRY.

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME,

YOUNG MAN?

[ RECORD SCRATCHES ]

>> Juan: OH...I...

>> Stacy's Mom: TELL YOU WHAT,

STACY -- I'LL SEE YOU BACK HERE

AT 3:00.

JUAN, YOU MIGHT WANT TO WATCH

YOUR ATTITUDE.

I LIKED YOU A LOT BETTER AS A

GENTLEMAN.

>> Stacy: YEAH, JUAN.

WHAT'S YOUR MALFUNCTION?

GOD!

>> Roland: LET'S GET TO CLASS.

>> Mark: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

>> Juan: OH.

[ BELL RINGS ]

>> Frankie: THESE ARE COOKIES,

NOT CHICKEN CORDON BLEU.

THAT'S NEXT WEEK.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

NOT BAD.

I NEED A HAIR NET ON YOU.

I DON'T NEED NO PUBIC HAIRS IN

THE COOKIES, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

[ SPITS ]

DISGUSTING!

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT'D YOU DO?

WHAT, DID YOU WIPE YOUR BALL

SACK ON THE COOKIE SHEET?

YOU FILTHY FUCK.

>> Roland: LADIES, TENDER,

JUICY, DELICIOUS.

JUST LIKE ALL Y'ALL.

[ GIRLS GIGGLE ]

>> Frankie: OHH!

IT'S ROLAND.

ROLAND, WHATEVER YOU'RE COOKIN'

SMELLS FUCKIN' DELISH.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

>> Roland: WELL, FRANKIE, IT'S

A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO

CALL SPICY CRAWFISH AND SAUSAGE

FETTUCCINE.

>> Frankie: DAMN!

SMELLS LIKE SOME GOOD SHIT

THERE.

LET ME GET A LITTLE NIBBLE.

>> Roland: SORRY, FRANKIE, I'M

SAVING THIS FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL.

NAH, I'M JUST PLAYING WITH YOU,

FRANKIE.

>> Frankie: YOU GOT ME, YOU

LITTLE COCKSUCKER.

YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART

ATTACK THERE.

LET ME GET A LITTLE TASTE.

WATCH OUT.

FUCKIN' TREMENDOUS.

IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN, I WOULD

HAVE HIRED YOU TO COOK FOR ME AT

HOME.

MY MOTHER -- SHE CAN'T COOK LIKE

THIS -- NOTHIN' BUT PURE SHIT.

HEY, YOU SEE RONDELL OR WHATEVER

THE FUCK HIS NAME IS?

HE'S GOT THE HOT CHICKS 'CAUSE

HE CAN COOK.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, MY FRIEND.

YOU'RE LIKE RICK JAMES IN '81.

>> Roland: MY NAME IS ROLAND.

>> Frankie: WHATEVER THE FUCK IT

IS -- WHAT DO YOU CARE?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET TO COOKIN'

HERE.

[ BELL RINGS ]

>> Roland: WHY WASN'T JUAN IN

THERE?

>> Mark: KNOWING THE NEW HIM,

HE'S PROBABLY SCRATCHING UP SOME

BATHROOM MIRROR OR SOMETHING.

>> Tommy: YEAH, SPEAKING OF

WHICH, I GOT TO HIT THE HEAD.

CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS LATER.

>> Mark: ALL RIGHT, MAN.

SEE YOU IN CLASS.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

>> Tommy: DUDE, JUAN, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING IN HERE?

>> Juan: I DON'T KNOW, TOMMY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM

ANYMORE.

>> Tommy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

YOU'RE YOU. YOU'RE JUAN.

>> Juan: WHO AM I KIDDING?

THIS ISN'T ME.

I'M THE NERDY MEXICAN KID WHO

CAN'T TALK TO WOMEN.

I'LL NEVER GET A GIRL, MAN.

>> Tommy: DUDE, YEAH, YOU WILL.

A-AND I PROMISE YOU, THAT GIRL

IS GONNA LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU

ARE, NOT WHAT SHE WANTS YOU TO

BE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, IT'S -- IT'S OKAY TO

MAKE IMPROVEMENTS.

I MEAN, THAT'S FINE.

BUT DON'T CHANGE YOURSELF

COMPLETELY.

MAN, THERE'S A REASON WE ALL

LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH YOU, AND

I'M ALWAYS GONNA WANT THAT

REASON AROUND.

>> Juan: WELL, I'M JUST GONNA

SIT HERE FOR A WHILE IF YOU

DON'T MIND ME BEING ALONE.

>> Tommy: DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO,

MAN.

[ ZIPPER UNZIPS ]

[ URINATING ]

>> Juan: [ SIGHS ]

[ URINAL FLUSHES ]

HEY, TOMMY?

>> Tommy: YEAH?

>> Juan: THANKS, MAN.

>> Tommy: NO PROBLEM, MAN.

SEE YOU LATER.

>> [ FARTING ]

>> Juan: ALL RIGHT.

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

>> Juan: [ SIGHS ]

>> Professor Wood: NOW, I KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE THINKING -- THAT

THIS LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA'S OLD

BRACELET AND IT DOESN'T BELONG

UP THERE, RIGHT?

BUT TRUST ME -- IF YOU GET THIS

LODGED UP IN THERE, IT ALLOWS

FOR ALL K--

[ BELL RINGS ]

ALL RIGHT.

OH!

STUDENTS, DON'T FORGET THE DANCE

TOMORROW NIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?

>> Tommy: THOSE VIDEOS DIDN'T

HELP US OUT TOO MUCH.

>> Professor Wood: REALLY?

WELL, I ENJOYED THEM.

OF COURSE, I GUESS IT WAS BETTER

BEING ON THE SET.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Roland: THE LADIES AIN'T

BITING, MAN.

>> Professor Wood: COME ON, YOU

GUYS ARE THE TALK OF THE SCHOOL.

I JUST HEARD TWO GIRLS GIGGLING

OVER YOU THREE IN THE HALLS.

>> Mark: GIGGLING?

>> Professor Wood: IT'S A GOOD

THING.

LOOK, MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE

SHOOTING TOO HIGH.

THERE'S PLENTY OF TERRIFIC YOUNG

WOMEN WHO'D GO FOR YOU.

>> Tommy: GIRLS -- PLENTY OF

YOUNG GIRLS WE'RE NOT INTERESTED

IN.

>> Professor Wood: WHO IS THIS

WONDER WOMAN?

HER?

THIS IS WHO YOU'VE BEEN PINING

OVER?

>> Tommy: NOW YOU GET IT.

>> Professor Wood: MORE THAN YOU

KNOW.

YOU GUYS MIGHT BE BITING OFF

MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW.

>> Roland: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

>> Professor Wood: GUYS, I KNOW

HER.

>> Mark: YEAH, EVERYONE KNOWS

HER.

>> Professor Wood: THIS IS WHO'S

DATING VON BOB, RIGHT?

>> Roland: YEAH, THE BASTARD.

HE'S PROBABLY SEEN HER NAKED.

>> Professor Wood: WELL, YEAH.

WHO HASN'T?

>> Tommy: YOU'RE NOT HELPING,

WOOD.

>> Professor Wood: WELL, YOU

JUST WANT TO SEE HER NAKED?

>> Mark: WELL, AMONG OTHER

THINGS.

>> Professor Wood: DO YOU GUYS

CARE ABOUT THIS WOMAN AT ALL?

DO YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR HER?

OR IS THIS JUST YOUR PRIME PICK

FOR YOUR FIRST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER?

>> Tommy: IT'S MUCH MORE THAN

THAT.

>> Professor Wood: REALLY?

WHAT'S HER FAVORITE COLOR?

HER FAVORITE FOOD?

MOVIE?

BOOK?

DO YOU GUYS KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

HER AT ALL?

LOOK, IF THIS IS JUST AN

OPPORTUNITY TO SATISFY YOUR

HORMONAL URGES, I CAN HELP WITH

THAT.

SHE AND I HAVE WORKED TOGETHER.

>> Tommy: WE DON'T NEED A LIFE

LESSON, HARRY.

[ SCOFFS ]

WE JUST -- WE NEED HER.

WE WANT HER.

>> Professor Wood: THAT'S WHAT

I'M TRYING TO SAY, GUYS.

SHE'S A FORMER P--

>> Roland: LOOK, MAN, IF YOU'RE

NOT GONNA HELP US, THEN WE'RE

WALKING OFF.

WE HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS.

WE GOT TO STOP VON BOB.

>> Professor Wood: WHY?

VON BOB'S NOT SUCH A BAD GUY

ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM.

LOOK, JUST BE GRACIOUS LOSERS.

>> Tommy: LOSERS?

>> Professor Wood: OH, I DON'T

MEAN THAT YOU'RE LOSE--

>> Mark: WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, GUYS.

>> Roland: [ SCOFFS ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

YOU WATCH IT, WOOD.

WE'LL PROVE YOU WRONG.

THE BETTER MAN WILL WIN.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> Stacy: HEY, GUYS.

>> Mark: HEY, WHAT'S UP?

>> Both: HEY.

>> Stacy: DO...

DO YOU GUYS WANT TO TAKE US TO

THE DANCE TOMORROW?

[ DOG BARKS ]

>> Tommy: ALL I NEED IS THAT ONE

MOMENT.

I JUST NEED TO...

>> Mark: ...WHISK HER AWAY

AND...

>> Roland: ...TELL HER HOW MUCH

SHE MEANS TO ME.

ONCE I GET MY CHANCE...

>> Tommy: ...THAT ONE MOMENT

ALONE, SHE'LL BE MINE.

>> Mark: SHE'LL BE MINE.

>> Roland: SHE'LL BE MINE.

>> Juan: [ SIGHS ]

SHE'LL NEVER BE MINE.

[ LIGHT BULB SHATTERS,

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> * I SAW HER WHEN SHE WALKED

INTO THE ROOM *

>> * UNH, UNH, UNH, UNH

>> * YO

>> * EVERYTHING ABOUT HER TOLD

ME THAT SHE'S GOT THE STYLE,

SHE'S GOT THE MOVES *

>> * YEAH, YEAH

>> * I LOVE THE WAY THAT

SHE SHAKES IT, SHAKES IT *

>> * WHOA

>> * I LOVE THE WAY

SHE MAKES ME, MAKES ME *

>> * WHOA

>> * I LOVE THE WAY THAT

SHE SHAKES IT, SHAKES IT *

>> * WHOA

>> * I LOVE THE WAY

SHE MAKES ME, MAKES ME *

>> * WHOA

>> * CRAZY

* CRAZY

>> * YO

>> * UNH, UNH, UNH, UNH

>> Frankie: TELL SOMEBODY AND

I'LL SHOOT YOUR DOG.

>> * ...SHAKES IT, SHAKES IT

>> * WHOA

>> * I LOVE THE WAY

SHE MAKES ME, MAKES ME *

>> * WHOA

>> * I LOVE THE WAY...

>> Mark: YOU CAN HAVE SOME.

>> THANKS.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ANY?

>> Mark: NO, I'M FINE.

>> * CRAZY

* CRAZY

>> * OHH

>> * I LOVE THE WAY THAT

SHE SHAKES IT, SHAKES IT *

>> * WHOA

>> * I LOVE THE WAY

SHE MAKES ME, MAKES ME... *

[ SLOW-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Stacy: OH, GOD.

>> Tommy: WHAT?

>> Stacy: MY MOM'S HERE.

>> Tommy: SHE IS?

>> Stacy: SHE'S ALWAYS AROUND.

I CAN NEVER GET AWAY FROM HER.

GUYS ARE ALWAYS HITTING ON HER,

PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO HER

THAN ME.

TOMMY, ARE YOU LISTENING?

>> Tommy: HUH? YEAH.

YEAH, I-I-I TOTALLY AGREE.

I-I HATE MEXICANS, TOO.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, HEY.

THERE'S MY JUANY.

IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK TO

NORMAL.

>> Juan: YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO BE

BACK TO NORMAL.

>> Stacy: HI, JUAN.

>> Juan: OH, HI, STACY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY I KIND OF --

>> Stacy: IT'S OKAY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHERE'S YOUR DATE?

>> Juan: OH, I CAME ALONE.

I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT

TO HAVE COME WITH ME.

I'M JUST NOT MADE FOR A WOMAN, I

GUESS.

>> Tommy: NAH, YOU -- YOU CAN

DANCE WITH US IF YOU WANT.

>> Juan: NO, YOU TWO HAVE FUN.

I'M JUST GONNA...HANG OUT.

>> Tommy: ALL RIGHT, LATER, MAN.

>> [ Slurring ] I JUST...SEE YOU

AROUND SCHOOL.

THE WAY YOU HANDLE YOURSELF --

IT'S HOT.

YOU'RE A REAL MAN.

>> SO, UM, ARE YOU HAVING FUN?

>> Roland: YEAH [CLEARS THROAT]

I'M REALLY ENJOYING BEING HERE

WITH YOU.

>> YEAH, SAME HERE.

>> Stacy: SO, I HAVE SOMETHING I

WANT TO TELL YOU.

>> Tommy: YEAH?

>> Stacy: THE THING IS...

I REALLY LIKE --

>> Tommy: HEY, CAN YOU HOLD THAT

THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE?

I JUST GOT TO GO OVER HERE.

>> Stacy: [ SIGHS ]

...LIKE YOU A LOT.

>> Tommy: HI, STACY'S MOM...

ALFRED.

>> Stacy's Mom: WELL, HELLO,

TOMMY.

DON'T YOU LOOK HANDSOME.

ARE YOU AND STACY HAVING A GOOD

TIME?

>> Tommy: YEAH, SHE JUST WENT TO

THE REST ROOM.

SO, DO YOU WANT TO -- YOU WANT

TO DANCE?

>> Stacy's Mom: YEAH, SURE.

>> YOU KNOW, I'LL BE HONEST --

I'M A REAL WOMAN.

>> Mark: OH, YEAH?

>> OH, YEAH.

YEAH, I-I GO TO STARBUCKS.

>> Tommy: BEAUTIFUL NIGHT, HUH?

>> Stacy's Mom: YEAH, IT IS

BEAUTIFUL.

>> Tommy: HAIR'S GETTING IN YOUR

FACE A LITTLE.

>> Stacy's Mom: OH, THANK YOU.

HMM.

>> Roland: EXCUSE ME, LATOYA.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> I'LL BE WAITING.

>> Juan: * JUAN IS THE

LONELIEST... *

OOH.

>> HI. I'M MARIA.

>> Juan: HI. I'M JUAN.

>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?

>> Juan: W-WHAT -- Y-YEAH!

LET'S GO.

>> Tommy: SO, DO YOU BELIEVE IN

DESTINY?

>> Stacy's Mom: WHAT ARE YOU

ASKING ME, TOMMY?

>> Tommy: LOOK, I GOT TO ADMIT

SOMETHING.

I THINK YOU ARE --

>> Roland: MIND IF I HAVE THIS

DANCE?

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> Stacy's Mom: YEAH, SURE,

ROLAND.

>> Roland: BEAUTIFUL NIGHT

TONIGHT, HUH?

>> Stacy's Mom: YEAH, IN FACT,

TOMMY AND I WERE JUST TALKING

ABOUT THAT.

>> YEAH.

I ALSO HAVE MY OWN MAKEUP.

>> Mark: THAT'S GREAT.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE?

>> Roland: I CAN THINK OF

SOMETHING EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL.

>> Stacy's Mom: ROLAND, DON'T.

>> Mark: EVENING, LOVELY.

MIND IF I TAKE OVER?

>> Roland: PISS OFF, MARK!

>> Stacy's Mom: ROLAND!

>> Mark: PLEASE, ROLAND, SCAMPER

BACK DOWN TO FUBU.

LET A REAL MAN DANCE WITH HIS

WOMAN.

>> Stacy's Mom: "HIS WOMAN"?

>> Roland: EXCUSE ME, TUBS.

TWO ADULTS ARE TRYING TO DANCE

HERE.

>> Tommy: EXCUSE ME.

YOU INTERRUPTED A MOMENT.

>> Roland: WELL, COME BACK

LATER.

WE'RE BUSY.

>> Tommy: "WE'RE BUSY"?

DUDE, WHY WOULD SHE BE ATTRACTED

TO YO WHEN SHE COULD HAVE ME?

>> Mark: PLEASE, TOMMY, AT LEAST

LET YOUR BALLS DROP BEFORE YOU

START JUDGING MANHOOD.

>> Tommy: YEAH, WELL, LET YOUR

WEIGHT DROP BEFORE YOU THINK

THAT SHE'LL EVER BE ATTRACTED TO

YOU.

>> Stacy's Mom: GUYS, STOP

ACTING LIKE CHILDREN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK IS

GOING ON HERE, BUT, CLEARLY, YOU

ARE MISTAKEN.

>> * ...WAITED SO LONG

[ FEEDBACK WHINES ]

>> Von Bob: UM, GOOD EVENING,

STUDENTS, PARENTS, AND FACULTY.

WELCOME TO, UH, NADLER JUNIOR

HIGH'S NADDIE HAWKINS ANNUAL

BALL.

I-I DO HOPE THAT YOU'RE ALL

ENJOYING YOURSELVES.

MY NAME IS

PROFESSOR ALFRED VON BOB, AND

I'M THE MUSIC TEACHER HERE.

UM, ONE OF THE FIRST CLASSES

THAT I NORMALLY TEACH IS ON HOW

TO AVOID STAGE FRIGHT,

NERVOUSNESS, ANXIETY.

AND, UM, I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE

NERVOUS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I'VE SPENT THE LAST SEVERAL

MONTHS WITH AN EXTRAORDINARY

WOMAN WHO CONTINUALLY AMAZES AND

INSPIRES ME.

UM, ROBERTA, WOULD YOU COME UP

HERE, PLEASE?

>> Tommy: R-ROBERTA?

>> Von Bob: UM...

I LOVE YOU, ROBERTA, WITH ALL MY

HEART.

>> Mark: WHAT THE HELL DOES HE

THINK HE'S DOING?

>> Von Bob: ROBERTA HUCKLESTON,

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

>> Stacy's Mom: YES.

YES, OF COURSE, I'LL MARRY YOU!

>> All: WHAT?!

>> Tommy: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

I MEAN...CONGRATULATIONS.

>> Mark: YEAH, MAZEL TOV.

>> Roland: MM-HMM.

>> Von Bob: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> DAMN GRINGOS -- ALWAYS CRYING

ABOUT SOMETHING.

UH, MARIA, I'LL BE BACK IN A

SEC.

>> Stacy's Mom: [ LAUGHS ]

>> Von Bob: [ LAUGHS ]

>> Mark: [ SIGHS ]

>> Juan: HEY, GUYS.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

>> Tommy: I GUESS THE BETTER MAN

WON.

>> Juan: I DON'T THINK HE'S

BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU.

I JUST THINK SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN

A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR ALL OF US,

THAT'S ALL.

>> Roland: YEAH, I GUESS.

>> Mark: STUPID MUSIC TEACHER

AND HIS STUPID MUSIC.

>> Professor Wood: HELLO, BOYS.

I'M GUESSING TONIGHT DIDN'T TURN

OUT THE WAY YOU MIGHT HAVE

EXPECTED IT TO.

>> Tommy: HARRY, WHY DOES THIS

SUCK SO MUCH?

>> Professor Wood: LOVE HURTS,

MAN -- NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

BUT TRUTHFULLY, YOU GUYS SHOULD

BE REALLY HAPPY FOR HER.

HE'S A REALLY NICE GUY.

>> Roland: GOOD FOR HER.

I HOPE SHE'S HAPPY.

>> Professor Wood: HEY, COME ON.

THIS ISN'T GONNA HURT FOREVER.

>> Mark: FEELS LIKE IT WILL.

>> Professor Wood: WELL, I JUST

MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING THAT'LL

CHEER YOU BOYS UP.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I TRIED TO TELL YOU THIS BEFORE.

>> Tommy: YEAH, MARK DOESN'T

HAVE HER, ROLAND DOESN'T HAVE

HER, I DON'T HAVE HER.

>> Juan: HEY, WELL I DON'T HAVE

HER, EITHER.

>> Tommy: SEE, NONE OF US HAVE

HER.

>> Professor Wood: WELL, THAT'S

NOT NECESSARILY TRUE.

>> Mark: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> Professor Wood: WELL, NOW YOU

CAN HAVE HER ANYTIME YOU WANT.

>> Mark: OH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Tommy: OH, MY GOD!

>> Roland: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Mark: YOU'VE GOT TO BE

KIDDING ME.

>> Tommy: OHH.

>> Juan: AH.

>> Tommy: OH, DUDE, WHY DID YOU

NOT TELL US SOONER?

>> Professor Wood: I TRIED TO

TELL YOU, BUT YOU WEREN'T

LISTENING!

NOW, GUYS, YOU GOT TO DO ME A

FAVOR AND YOU CAN'T TELL ANYBODY

WHERE YOU GOT THESE, OKAY?

>> Juan: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

>> Mark: JUST LET ME SMELL THEM.

>> Professor Wood: [ CHUCKLES ]

ENJOY.

>> Juan: OKAY.

>> Professor Wood: I'LL SEE YOU

BACK AT THE GYM.

>> Mark: IT'S LIKE A BIG ROSE.

>> Juan: ALL RIGHT.

>> Tommy: PROFESSOR WOOD!

THANKS.

YOU KNOW, IN THE WEIRDEST WAY,

THANKS.

>> Professor Wood: NOT A

PROBLEM.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS,

BUT I WAS YOUR AGE ONCE, AND I

REMEMBER HOW BAD IT FELT NOT TO

GET A BROAD YOU REALLY WANTED TO

GET.

BUT YOU'RE GONNA GET THROUGH

THIS, AND YOU KNOW HOW?

>> Juan: HOW?

>> Mark: HOW?

>> Professor Wood: WITH THE

HELP OF OLD ROGER AND LOUIE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'LL BE SEEING YOU.

>> Tommy: YEAH.

>> Mark: [ WHISPERING

INDISTINCTLY ]

>> Roland: THANK YOU.

>> Mark: OH, MAN, THAT WAS A

GOOD ONE.

>> Tommy: YEAH.

>> Mark: [ WHISTLES ]

>> Tommy: OOH!

>> Roland: GOOD ONE, JUAN.

PASS IT HERE.

>> Juan: THANKS.

SO, ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO THE

WEDDING?

>> Mark: I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS.

>> Tommy: YOU KNOW, I WAS

KIND OF THINKING ABOUT IT.

STACY WANTS US TO COME, SO...

>> Roland: YEAH, THE RECEPTION

SHOULD BE KIND OF FUN.

THERE'LL BE CAKE AND SHIT.

MARK, YOU SHOULD GO.

>> Mark: CAKE, HUH?

>> Roland: SO, ANY OF YOU GUYS

GONNA TRY TO GET A DATE?

>> Tommy: UH, YOU KNOW, I WAS

THINKING ABOUT ASKING STACY.

>> Mark: DUDE, MAN, YOU SHOULD.

I MEAN, SHE REALLY LIKES YOU.

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER, YOU

SICK BASTARD.

>> Tommy: YOU GUYS, UM...

YOU GUYS DON'T LIKE HER LIKE

THAT, RIGHT?

>> Mark: WHO, STACY?

NO, MAN, YOU CAN GO FOR IT.

>> Roland: YEAH, MAN, NO

COMPETITION ON THIS END.

>> Juan: SO, YOU GUYS WANT ME TO

SEE IF MARIA HAS ANY CUTE

FRIENDS FOR YOU GUYS?

>> Mark: YEAH.

>> Roland: YEAH, MAN, CHECK IT

OUT.

>> Tommy: IT'S GETTING KIND OF,

UH, DARK OUT.

GO BACK TO MY PLACE?

>> Roland: HELL, YEAH.

>> Mark: YEAH, I'M DOWN.

>> Tommy: OKAY.

HEY, JUAN, HOW ABOUT YOU?

>> Juan: I'D LOVE TO, GUYS, BUT

I'M HAVING DINNER WITH MARIA AND

HER FAMILY.

>> Mark: AGAIN?

>> Tommy: DUDE, OKAY, THERE'S

BEEN A LOT OF TALK, AND WE THINK

YOU'RE SPENDING A LITTLE BIT TOO

MUCH TIME WITH THAT CHICK.

>> Juan: YEAH?

>> Roland: YEAH, MAN, IT'S BEEN

LIKE TWO WEEKS.

THIS IS LIKE MY THIRD TIME

SEEING YOUR ASS?

MAN, BROS BEFORE HOES.

BROS BEFORE HOES.

[ INTRO TO THE COOL BLOUDINI'S

"CONNECTION" PLAYS ]

>> * I MET HER ONE DAY WHEN WE

CAUGHT EACH OTHER'S EYE *

* SHE TURNED AROUND AND LOOKED

AT ME, COMPLETELY MYSTIFIED *

>> * SHE SAID

>> * DON'T I KNOW YOU FROM

SOMEWHERE? *

* MAYBE THE 20th CENTURY?

* IT SOUNDED CRAZY

WHEN SHE SAID IT *

* I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGET IT

* SHE PUSHED A BUTTON

DEEP INSIDE OF ME *

* HERE SHE COMES

* MOVIN' IN MY DIRECTION

* I THINK WE'RE GONNA

MAKE A CONNECTION *

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

>> * IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

>> * NOW I'M TAKIN'

THE LONG WAY *

* I WANNA RUN INTO HER AGAIN

* I WANNA GET ON HER "A" LIST

* TAKE THE VELVET ROPE DOWN

AND LET ME IN *

* BUT SHE'S GOT

EMOTIONAL BOUNCERS *

* A BIG GOON STANDIN'

AT THE DOOR TO HER HEART *

* I'LL TAKE HIM OUT

RIGHT AT THE KNEES *

* AND HAUL HIM AWAY IN A CART

* I'LL BE PATIENT, SAY PLEASE,

DOWN ON MY KNEES *

* WHEN SHE LETS ME

INTO HER HEART *

* HERE SHE COMES

* MOVIN' IN MY DIRECTION

* I THINK WE'RE GONNA

MAKE A CONNECTION *

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

>> * IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

>> * I KNOW THE DAY WILL COME

WHEN WE'LL LOOK BACK *

* AND LAUGH AT ALL THE GAMES WE

PLAYED AND LOVE WE MADE *

* TILL WE BROKE THROUGH

AT LAST *

>> * IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* SHE SAID

>> * HERE SHE COMES

* MOVIN' IN MY DIRECTION

* I THINK WE'RE GONNA

MAKE A CONNECTION *

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* HERE SHE COMES

* MOVIN' IN MY DIRECTION

* I THINK WE'RE GONNA

MAKE A CONNECTION *

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

* IF WE GIVE IT SOME TIME

[ MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * LET ME HELP YOU OUT

WITH THAT SUNTAN OIL *

* LOOKIN' SO HOT, GIRL

* GONNA MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL

* NEVER SEEN A GIRL

WHO LOOKED SO DAMN FINE *

* SHE CAN STOP, DROP, AND ROLL

ON A DIME *

* I THINK ABOUT YOU

* EVERY DAY

* ONLY YOU COULD

* MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY

* YOU'VE GOT ME

>> * FIRED UP

>> * THE FLAMES ARE

BURNIN' HIGHER *