Original subtitles

"And the next thing he saw was this bare hand of his going right into the middle

of a great glistening mass of black,

and he gave one piercing cry as it touched.

Outside in the sunshine, far away behind the house,

the mother was looking for her son." So good, no?

I didn't really get the end, though.

Maybe it means

how we all grow up and our parents don't really get that.

And we are busy on our own adventures,

but our parents are looking for their child.

It must be something like that, I think.

That does sound nice, no?

-Fuck, now I feel like calling my mom. -I know, right.

All right, bro.

-Did you just say "eyebrow"? -No.

I said...

all right, bro.

-All right, bro. -Okay.

I'm gonna set an alarm for tomorrow. I have a long day.

Set it for when you have to wake up and not an hour before that.

I need an hour to wake up.

Yeah, but it disrupts my sleep.

Fine.

I'll set an alarm for 30 minutes before I need to wake up.

No, 40.

Forty-five. Please.

Good night.

I love you.

Good night. I love you, too.

Fuck, dude.

It's happening again?

What breed of mosquitoes are these, man? They're completely immune to repellents.

You got one?

I also killed one.

That's amazing.

Two down, 200 to go.

Momo, let's cover our heads and sleep. I have work tomorrow.

Fuck this.

Kavya, get up, man.

Do something, man.

Get up!

Okay, you're not gonna let me sleep either.

I'm going to find a solution for this once and for all.

380 rupees, madam.

How can it be 380 rupees? It's just mosquito oil and ice cream.

Thank you.

What is this?

Why does it say fire and ice?

I know, right?

Why would anyone want to use this?

Especially in Bombay where it's already so hot and humid.

We'll find out.

-We aren't using this, Dhruv. -Why not?

Because why would I want to feel hot or cold down there?

I don't know. We'll find out. What's the worst that can happen?

I'll go to the doctor, say,

"I was having sex wearing a Fire & Ice condom

-and my pubes caught fire." -Hey, let's go.

Good night, bro.

Stop walking so fast.

I'm not walking fast. You are walking slowly.

-Mine is better. -Let me try.

Sure.

Want anything else? A back massage or something?

-What the fuck was that? -What the hell was that?

Somebody just smacked the back of my head! I will screw your happiness, asshole!

Mr. Delhi 2016. Relax.

The fuck?

-Who is he? -Shit. He is taking a U-turn.

Fuck this, let's run, let's run.

Shit-face!

Where are you running off to?

Karan, what the fuck are you doing here, man?

-How are you? -How are you doing?

-Been ages, dude. How have you been? -All good, dude. All good.

You tell me.

Nothing, man. Just here for, like, four hours.

Came here for a day for work.

You tell me, how are you? Running private tuitions like Mishra?

I'm seriously thinking of doing it.

By the way, that's Kavya.

Kavya, he's Karan.

This guy shat his shorts in second grade.

-Good to know. -Thanks, man.

That's the best introduction anyone's ever given for me.

But this is my assholic friend, Dhruv.

Who was caught by a teacher in fifth grade,

stealing a second grade kid's lunch and eating it.

-That's horrible. -Stuffing his face.

Basically you used to steal other people's food since you were a kid.

See, I was always this cute.

No. You were always this fat, you needed that much food to stuff in your face.

His food used to be very delicious. Tell her, dude.

It's justified.

-You would have done the same thing. -I wouldn't.

No one would have done that. You look better in real life than your pictures.

-Thanks. -If you don't mind me asking,

what are you doing with this loser?

I don't know. Chilling? Time pass.

-Yeah, time pass. -Really?

Time pass?

Have you ever seen your face? Dhanush.

-What? -Dude, wait.

You are exactly like that, like Dhanush and Sonam Kapoor.

Come on, your auto is waiting.

I like this, I'm going to use this.

Except he makes Dhanush look like a supermodel.

Fuck off.

-That's a good one. -You can use that next time on him.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

-What are old friends for? -I'm gonna head out. This was great.

Come home.

Yeah, true.

Let's grab a beer.

Next time. Next time, I promise. Okay?

Because I just had the midnight buffet and drinks at the Marriott.

Marriott? Big man. You're running private tuitions, too?

I got a really good deal on Little App.

-Sweet. I love that shit. -Yeah, like fancy times.

Technology changing our lives. It's great.

-True. -Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go.

-I will see you guys later. -Have fun.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

-See you, bye. -See you, bro.

The next time you're here let me know, we'll do something together.

I will. Definitely. See you. Bye. Good night.

Do all the guys from Delhi sound the same?

-Why is my phone vibrating so much? -You're also awaiting Tinder action.

I'm sorry. Do you know where a pharmacy that has condoms is?

Go straight and make a right.

24-hour medical shop.

-It's gonna be open, definitely? -Yeah.

Okay.

-Use it. It's our favorite. We love it. -Dude.

-You're super cool. -I know, right?

You're much cooler than-- Look at your face.

You're so much cooler than him.

Okay, if you decide to leave him, definitely, you should give me a call.

I have his number.

-I'm gonna see you guys. Good night. -Bye.

-Bye. I'm getting late. -See you, bro.

And laid. So, it's a great night for me. See you.

Have fun.

-So proud of yourself, no? -Very.

Kavu, come out and talk!

Kavya, come out and talk. I can't hear anything.

Why are you ignoring me?

I'm not ignoring you, dude. I couldn't hear anything.

Sandwich?

How can you be hungry again?

First of all, we had such a heavy dinner, ice cream also.

But that ice cream fell.

So, that craving is still there. Yes or no?

Yeah, okay. Make one for me.

Listen.

Vivek's getting engaged.

Vivek?

Oh, Vivek.

Your first boyfriend from Nagpur.

Isn't he the same guy who put a photo collage of you and his mother?

Captioned it as what? "Lovers."

That was fifth grade, Dhruv.

Will you stop remembering weird things about my exes.

-But it's just funny, dude. -I'm being serious.

Serious. Wait. Yeah, we should take this seriously.

Salami. We should put that salami. You want that salami?

-Yeah, whatever. Okay, put. -Yes.

It's weird to know that he's getting engaged.

He was my first boyfriend and the longest one.

So nice. Did you just say that?

I meant that was the longest relationship I was a part of.

Sure, right?

Stop being cheap.

What cheap? You said it.

I'm just repeating it.

You won't feel weird if your ex gets married?

You know, it depends. If the pretty one gets married, then, yes.

If the other "blah" one gets married. I'll be like,

"Whatever, they got married."

-So Delhi. -What's so Delhi about this?

If that guy, the same Nagpur guy part two--

And who used to call you what? "Jaanu."

If that guy gets married, are you really going to be upset?

Be honest.

First of all, he was my high school boyfriend.

Will you stop remembering weird things about my exes and making me feel guilty?

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. All I'm saying,

it's good to remember the fun things about exes and forget the bad shit.

Otherwise, how else will you date again?

No! No, you fucking don't! Who is this?

You see that?

-Who the fuck is this? -Are you still thinking about him?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I saw that girl's profile sometime back.

And she's pretty, dude.

Now I'm feeling even more terrible.

Okay.

Simple maths.

No, no, no. Listen. This is going to make sense.

Ninety-seven percent of Indian males

that get married are between the age group of 18 to 35.

That means, if you have 100 friends,

52 will be boys, 48 will be girls according to the sex ratio.

Out of those 52, you must have dated at least three boys.

Just say yes. Don't act innocent.

Yeah?

So, the chances of your ex not getting married is...

0.03 percent. This much.

-Makes no difference. -What's your point?

The point is that him getting married is actually the normal thing.

What you should do is send him a message.

"Congratulations.

Please don't make another photo collage of your wife and your mother

and put it on Facebook as your DP. Because that shit is not cool, man."

And he is capable of doing that. You know that.

Sent him a message. You'll feel good.

Even if you don't, give it two days. You'll forget about all of this.

We are too busy to remember any of this for too long.

What an amazing speech, Dhanush!

No. What has Karan taught you, man.

It's going to be your new thing, no?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

He's a nice guy and I suppose I am happy for him.

How nice. Now can we just finish this topic?

Mosquitoes are dead but we're talking about the same thing.

This is so nice.

I know, man. I know.

What?

Bite?

No.

Okay, small bite.

Why would you do that?

-Do what? -That's the best part of a sandwich.

Why would you do that? That's horrible.

See, these are the things that you should feel bad about.

Not your ex getting married. That shit doesn't even matter.

-Yeah, yeah, I get the point. -Yeah?

But I'm more hungry.

Will you make one and split?

Now we're talking. Just give me two minutes.

-Now we'll get a good night's sleep, too. -What's the connection?

The more you eat, the better you sleep.

Even pandas do this, don't they?

Pandas don't have to get up in the morning for office.

Pandas are damn lucky, dude, come to think of it.

I can't believe we're having this conversation.

-What's the time? -At 3:30 a.m.

It's 3:30?

Okay, let's just finish this episode and sleep, man.

You didn't have to bring up my ethnicity or my size.