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>> Woman on tape:

Unit two: saying hello.

How would you say hello

to your friend Mr. Wong?

>>

>> Woman:

And how would you say good-bye

to your friend Mr. Wong?

>> UM, UM...

>> Good.

>> DAMN IT.

EVER SINCE I WAS YOUNG, I KNEW

I WAS DESTINED FOR GREAT

THINGS.

NOVELTIES-- THEY ARE AN ART

FORM THAT SOCIETY FAILS TO

FORM THAT SOCIETY FAILS TO RECOGNIZE.

RECOGNIZE.

I LOVE KNOWING THAT SOMEWHERE

IN THE WORLD, LIKE-MINDED

PEOPLE ARE BUSY MAKING

POINTLESS ITEMS LIKE FART

MACHINES AND FAKE POO.

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T WANT

TO EXIST IN A WORLD WITHOUT

THAT KIND OF FRIVOLITY.

THAT KIND OF FRIVOLITY. >> Woman:

>> Woman:

YOU AND YOUR INVENTIONS!

IF YOU WANT ANYTHING

MADE THESE DAYS, IT'S A BUYER'S

MARKET.

ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF,

ANYTHING AT ALL, SOMEBODY

SOMEWHERE IS WILLING TO

MAKE IT.

YOU CAN TRY STAYING LOYAL TO

YOUR LOCAL ECONOMY... BUT IF

YOU FOLLOW THE MONEY, IT ALL

LEADS TO CHINA.

I AM AN INVENTOR, A NOVELTY

INVENTOR.

...MR. JAMES CHOI?

HI. THIS IS JOHNSON.

JOHNSON.

O.K., GREAT, GREAT.

IT'S A HUMOROUS DOMESTIC

HYGIENE PRODUCT.

YOU KNOW, UM, THERE COMES A TIME

IN EVERY MAN'S LIFE WHEN HE

GRAB THE BULL BY THE HORNS

AND...

WELL, I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING

TO S... WELL, THAT TIME IS

RIGHT NOW FOR ME.

I'M TELLING YOU, RIGHT NOW.

MY CALLING CARD'S ACTUALLY

RUNNING OUT RIGHT NOW, BUT DID

YOU RECEIVE THAT, UM, MONEY

TRANSFER THAT I SENT TO YOU

EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON?

GOOD, GOOD, AND THE HOTEL

RESERVATION IS DEFINITELY

IN MY NAME.

O.K., AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO

PICK ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT,

CORRECT?

OH, NO, NO, I AM NOT

FINISHED TALKING TO YOU YET.

>> IT'S ALL ARRANGED, MOM.

MY ASSOCIATE, JAMES CHOI, HE

JUST NEEDS THE FUNDS AND A

SAMPLE, THAT'S IT.

IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

>> ASSOCIATE?

JOHNSON, I MEAN, YOU JUST MET

HIM ON THE INTERNET.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM AND

YOU'RE GOING OFF TO CHINA?

>> WILL YOU PLEASE GIVE ME

A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT?

>> NO, NO, NO, I WILL

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

>> WILL YOU PLEASE GIVE ME

A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT?

I'M SO NOT

GETTING INVOLVED IN THIS.

THANKS, BETH.

>> WELL... I'M LEAVING.

>> OH, NO!

>> NOW WILL YOU GIVE ME

A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT?

>> NO, JOHNSON! NO!

>> BYE, MOM.

>> OH, JOHNSON!

YOU GOT TO LET HIM GO.

JUST GOT TO LET HIM GO

THIS TIME.

>>

OH, JOHNSON.

>> YOU LITTLE SHIT!

HOPE THE TALIBAN DOESN'T

GET YOU!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Man on tape: Welcome to the

Hess Educational Organization

Mandarin Course.

The course is divided into 33

units, each describing different

aspects of daily life.

Unit one: greetings.

Hello, Miss Lin.

How are you?

This is my colleague.

Good luck!

Unit two: introduction.

Where are you from?

I'M from America.

Good luck.

>> Woman on speaker: In

preparation for landing, we ask

that you put your seat tables...

SIR.

SIR!

SIR, WE'RE LANDING.

SIR, WE'RE LANDING.

[WOMAN SPEAKING MANDARIN

OVER SPEAKER...]

OVER SPEAKER...] >> YOU'RE NOT JAMES CHOI?

>> YOU'RE NOT JAMES CHOI?

JAMES CHOI? OR...

JAMES CHOI? OR... YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

>> Man on answering machine:

NI HAO...JAMES CHOI.

NI HAO...JAMES CHOI.

>> EXCUSE ME. UH, TAXI?

TAXI?

>> NI HAO...JAMES CHOI.

NI HAO...JAMES CHOI.

>> MR. JAMES CHOI, THIS IS

JOHNSON SPEAKING.

I'M HERE IN SHANGHAI, CHINA.

I GUESS I MISSED YOU

AT THE AIRPORT.

AT THE AIRPORT.

SO... I MADE IT TO THE HOTEL.

SO... I MADE IT TO THE HOTEL.

IT'S FINE.

I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR MEETING

TOMORROW, WHICH IS AT 11 A.M.

SHARP AT THE Y.Y. PUB.

SO PLEASE CALL ME BACK

IMMEDIATELY AND CONFIRM

THAT YOU GOT THIS.

I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR MEETING.

ALL RIGHT, YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT

NOW, O.K.?

CALL ME.

CALL ME. BYE-BYE NOW.

BYE-BYE NOW.

STOP FOR A MOMENT.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THE WORLD

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

AROUND YOU.

THERE ARE DOZENS OF INVENTIONS

WITHIN TOUCHING DISTANCE THAT

YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER EVEN

CONSIDERED.

CONSIDERED.

DID YOU KNOW THE SLINKY WAS

ACCIDENTALLY INVENTED BY A MAN

BY THE NAME OF RICHARD JAMES?

RICHARD WAS AN ENGINEER WORKING

ON A NAVY BATTLESHIP, AND HE

WAS EXPERIMENTING WITH TENSION

SPRINGS TO MONITOR POWER WHEN

ONE OF 'EM FELL TO THE GROUND

AND JUST KEPT GOING AND GOING

AND GOING AND GOING.

HE DECIDED TO CALL HIS WIFE

BETTY AND TELL HER ABOUT IT.

AND BETTY SAID TO HERSELF,

"HMM, LET'S CALL IT SLINKY."

AT THAT MOMENT, AN IDEA

FOR A TOY WAS BORN.

RICHARD AND BETTY DECIDED TO

TAKE A CHANCE WITH THEIR IDEA,

AND THEY INVESTED A MEASLY $500

TO MANUFACTURE IT.

GUESS WHAT.

OVER A QUARTER BILLION HAVE

BEEN SOLD, AND TO THIS DAY,

THEY'RE STILL MADE IN THE

U.S.A.

SO WHAT AM I DOING IN CHINA?

SO WHAT AM I DOING IN CHINA?

HOW DO?

>> HI, MRS. CLEMMONS.

>> HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M GOOD, GOOD.

UM, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU

TO MY INVESTORS MEETING THIS

SATURDAY.

>> OH, INVESTOR.

DOES THAT MEAN MONEY?

>> UH, YES, MA'AM.

>> YOUR MONEY OR MINE?

HEY, JIM.

I REALLY WANT YOU TO COME

TO MY MEETING.

>> COME TO YOUR MEETING?

>> HEY, KATRINA.

BIG-TIME INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY.

HEY, BILLY.

A GIANT STEP FORWARD FOR

ALL HOMO SAPIENS.

ALL HOMO SAPIENS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME AND LEARN

ABOUT MY HUMOROUS DOMESTIC

HYGIENE PRODUCT, JUNIOR?

>> IS YOUR SISTER GONNA

BE THERE?

>> HUH?

>> HYGIENE?

WHAT IS THAT, SOAP AND WATER?

>> IT'S BASICALLY A GIANT STEP

FORWARD FOR ALL HOMO SAPIENS.

>> OH, UH-HUH.

WELL, THAT'S NICE.

UH-HUH, THAT'LL WORK OUT

BEAUTIFULLY.

[CAR HORN BEEPS, TRAFFIC

PASSING...]

PASSING...]

NI HAO. NI HAO.

NI HAO. NI HAO.

NI HAO. NI HAO.

UM, I'M LOOKING FOR

THIS ADDRESS.

THIS ADDRESS.

THAT WAY? O.K. XIE XIE.

XIE XIE NI. XIE XIE NI.

XIE XIE NI.

XIE XIE NI.

HI.

>> NI HAO.

>> NI HAO. NI HAO.

>> NI HAO.

>> PLEASE COME IN.

>> PLEASE COME IN. SUIT? O.K.

SUIT? O.K.

I'M LOOKING

FOR SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL

FOR MY MEETING.

FOR MY MEETING. I WANT TO LOOK VERY DAPPER.

I WANT TO LOOK VERY DAPPER.

HEY, JAMES CHOI.

THIS IS JOHNSON SPEAKING AGAIN.

UM, I'M TRYING TO FIND THE Y.Y.

BAR ON NAN JING ROAD.

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS?

I THINK I'M LOST RIGHT NOW.

I'M IN SOME SORT OF...

OLD AREA.

Y.Y. BAR?

Y.Y. BAR.

>> Y.Y....

NO, I THINK IT'S THAT WAY.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO.

>> XIE XIE!

>> XIE XIE!

>> XIE XIE!

EXCUSE ME.

>>

>> ARE YOU JAMES CHOI?

>>

>> NO. IS YOUR NAME JAMES CHOI?

>>

>> YOU'RE NOT JAMES CHOI?

>> YOU'RE NOT JAMES CHOI? >>

>>

THANKS FOR

COMING OUT.

COMING OUT. THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

DONATIONS.

I'M KIDDING.

WHAT I REALLY WANT YOU GUYS

TO DO IS INVEST.

TO DO IS INVEST.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

RESIDENTS OF WOODVILLE, IF YOU

INVEST IN MY IDEA, IF YOU INVEST

IN JOHNSON NOVELTIES, NOT ONLY

WILL YOU BE INVESTING IN YOUR

FUTURE...

JOIN THE RANKS...

OF GREAT... INVENTORS.

OF GREAT... INVENTORS. NOVELTY INVENTORS.

NOVELTY INVENTORS.

O.K., GUYS, MY SPEECH IS GONNA

GO JU... WELL, MY SPEECH IS

GONNA GO JUST LIKE THIS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR GIVING

UP YOUR SATURDAY AFTERNOON TO

COME AND HEAR ABOUT MY EXCITING

NEW INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY.

INVENTION.

WELL, YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY IT

EVERY DAY.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

THE BIG IDEAS LIKE CARS

OR SPACESHIPS.

I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT

EVERYDAY STUFF, STUFF SOME

GUY OR GAL CREATED THAT STRUCK

A CHORD WITH PEOPLE.

LIKE POST-IT NOTES AND WHOOPEE

CUSHIONS AND... THOSE TINY

UMBRELLAS THAT GO IN FRUIT

COCKTAIL DRINKS, SEA-MONKEYS,

PORTA-POTTIES.

CAN I TAKE THIS

MASK OFF?

IT SMELLS.

>> NO, YOU MAY NOT.

I'VE RENTED YOU FOR THE HOUR,

AND IT'S ONLY BEEN ABOUT...

ONE MINUTE AND 45 SECONDS.

ONE MINUTE AND 45 SECONDS.

SIMON, YEAH.

LISTEN, CAN YOU GET ONE OF

THE TEAM TO HEAD OVER TO

HENRY ZANG'S?

YEAH, I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO

MANUFACTURE BEFORE WE GET

COMPLETE SIGN-OFF FROM

THE CLIENT, ALL RIGHT?

NO, THAT'S EXCELLENT.

AND, UH, I THINK THEY GOT

THE FIRST WIRE TRANSFER,

DIDN'T THEY?

ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING BACK FROM

THE OFFICE NOW, I'LL SEE YOU IN

15 MINUTES, BYE.

>> UM, EXCUSE ME, SIR?

LOOK, I'M HAVING TROUBLE DIALING

THIS NUMBER HERE.

EVERY TIME I DIAL IT, IT'S BUSY.

DO YOU MIND USING ONE OF YOUR

CELL PHONES, PLEASE?

OW-- SORRY...

DO YOU MIND TRY USING ONE OF

YOUR PHONES?

>> O.K., LET'S HAVE A LOOK THEN.

WHAT YOU GOT?

2-1-2-3.

IT'S RINGING.

IT'S AN ANSWERING MACHINE.

HERE YOU GO.

>> JAMES CHOI, JAMES CHOI.

LOOK, THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

THIS IS SERIOUSLY EFFED UP.

YOU SURE AS HECK WEREN'T LATE

CASHING THAT $800 CHECK,

AND BY THE WAY, HALF OF THAT WAS

SUPPOSED TO BE FOR SECURING MY

LODGING.

GUESS WHAT, I GOT TO THE HOTEL,

NO PREPAID RESERVATION OR

NOTHING.

IT'S BEEN ONE CALAMITY AFTER

ANOTHER WITH YOU.

NOW YOU SERIOUSLY CALL ME BACK

OR I'M FORCED TO FLAG YOUR AD

ON CRAIGSLIST.

I'M SERIOUS.

OH, THANKS.

>> YOU WANT ADVICE?

I'D SAY FORGET IT.

I MEAN, HE GOT WHAT?

800 FROM YOU?

I'VE HEARD OF A LOT WORSE.

>> THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE.

I'M HERE ON BUSINESS.

O.K., THEN.

>> MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME, SIR.

LOOK, I CAN TELL YOU'RE A VERY

CAPABLE MAN.

UM, YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO DEAL

WITH TEXTILE MANUFACTURERS.

>> LISTEN, EVEN IF I WANTED TO

HELP YOU, I HAVE A VERY

CHALLENGING WORK SCHEDULE AT

PRESENT.

>> I WON'T WASTE ANY OF YOUR

TIME; WILL YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN

FOR FIVE SECONDS, PLEASE?

PLEASE?

>> ALL RIGHT, BUT I AM IN

A HURRY.

>> O.K.

JUST HEAR ME OUT, O.K.?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE THIS GUY

MR. JAMES CHOI A THOUSAND,

TODAY.

I'LL GIVE YOU...

AN ADDITIONAL...

500 IF YOU HELP ME.

PLEASE.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

I'M ONLY HERE FOR SIX DAYS.

I'M ONLY HERE FOR SIX DAYS. >> WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?

>> WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?

>> I'M A NOVELTY INVENTOR.

>> A NOVELTY INVENTOR.

>> YES, SIR, AND NOVELTIES ARE

THE BENCHMARK OF A FREE SOCIETY.

>> THE BENCHMARK?

>> YES, AND I HAVE A GREAT IDEA.

IT IS BOTH NOVEL AND NEEDFUL.

>> WHAT IS IT?

>> WELL, I CAN'T EXACTLY TELL

YOU... WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS

THIS-- IT'S PRIMARILY A TEXTILE

PRODUCT AIMED AT THE ENTIRE

ENGLISH-SPEAKING MARKETPLACE,

BUT ITS FUTURE UNIVERSAL APPEAL

IS VIRTUALLY GUARANTEED.

>> WELL, I'M AS IMPRESSED AS

A MAN LEFT TOTALLY IN THE DARK

CAN BE.

>> REALLY?

>> COME ON, THEN.

I'VE GOT A NEW CLIENT,

A NOVELTY INVENTOR.

HAVE YOU GOT A BUSINESS CARD?

>> I SURE DO.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

THE CHINESE DO LOVE TO EXCHANGE

BUSINESS CARDS.

>> YOU KNOW I READ THAT IN MY

GUIDEBOOK?

>> NOT LIKE THAT.

WITH BOTH THUMBS.

THAT'S THE POLITE WAY OF DOING

IT IN CHINA.

>> I'M JOHNSON.

>> JOHNSON, O.K.

WHERE ARE YOU STAYING, JOHNSON?

>> MOTEL 1-2-3.

>> OOH, THAT'S A RUBBISH HOTEL.

I TELL YOU WHAT...

>>

I'VE GOT A CLIENT APARTMENT.

IT'S AVAILABLE TILL FRIDAY.

NOW, TAKE THE ADDRESS...

SHOW THAT TO THE CAB DRIVERS,

AND MY NUMBER'S ON THE BOTTOM

IF YOU GET LOST.

DO YOU HAVE ANY, UH, PROPER

BUSINESS ATTIRE?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> GOOD.

I'LL PICK YOU UP THERE AT 7:30

IN THE MORNING, WE CAN DISCUSS

YOUR MANUFACTURING REQUIREMENTS

THEN.

>> O.K.

>> O.K., THEN.

I'M MAGNUS.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. >>

>>

>>

NOW THIS REALLY BLOWS MY MIND.

I'M NOT JOKING YOU.

AT A FOURTH OF JULY PICNIC IN

1956, YOUNG VETERAN MILTON

LEVENE-- OR LEVINE-- HE BECAME

MESMERIZED BY A SCURRYING PILE

OF ANTS.

MILTON HAD THE HUNCH, AND SOON

AFTER, UNCLE MILTON'S ANT FARM

WAS BORN.

TO DATE, THEY HAVE SOLD OVER

25 MILLION ANT FARMS AND

SHIPPEDONE BILLION A NTS.

AND MILTON IS QUOTED AS

SAYING-- I LOVE THIS QUOTE--

"PERSISTENCE IS THE SECRET TO

SUCCESS, AND PROCRASTINATION IS

THE SECRET TO FAILURE."

ALSO, HE SAID, "I LOVE ANTS.

THEY PUT MY KIDS THROUGH

COLLEGE."

INVENTION IS EVERYWHERE.

THE RUBBER SOLES ON THAT

WOMAN'S FOOT IS FROM AN

INVENTOR.

THE CONCRETE, THE CHAIN LINK

FENCE, IT'S ALL FROM INVENTORS.

WE'RE EVERYWHERE.

IT'S HUMAN NATURE TO INVENT,

TO CREATE, TO TINKER,

TO DIVERSIFY, TO EVEN AMUSE.

THE URGE TO CREATE THINGS IS

FAR GREATER THAN THE URGE TO

DESTROY THEM.

AND A GREAT INVENTION WILL

OUTLIVE ITS INVENTOR BY

A THOUSAND TIMES.

GOOD MORNING, GUYS.

WOW, THIS IS NICE.

MORNING, FU MANCHU.

>>

>>

I CAN SEE I'M GONNA HAVE TO SET

MY TAILOR ON YOU, JOHNSON.

SO, TELL ME AGAIN WHAT IS IT

WE'RE MAKING.

>> WELL, IT'S BASICALLY A

HUMOROUS DOMESTIC...

>> HYGIENE PRODUCT, I REMEMBER.

WHAT KIND OF QUANTITIES ARE WE

TALKING ABOUT, IN UNITS OF...

10,000?

>> OH, SLIGHTLY LESS THAN

ONE UNIT.

>> YOU'RE A HIGH ROLLER,

JOHNSON...

...SO, THOMAS HAS AGREED TO TAKE

THE MEETING, THAT'S GOOD.

NO, HE WON'T TELL ME WHAT THE

ACTUAL PRODUCT IS, BUT IT'S

A TEXTILE PRODUCT.

I'M SURE IT'LL BE FINE.

IT'S A SMALL BATCH, REALLY.

BIT OF A FAVOR.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL HIM.

THANKS, WENDY, BYE-BYE.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD NEWS, JOHNSON.

I JUST GOT YOU A MEETING

TOMORROW AT 10:30.

>> THAT'S GREAT.

>> EVERYTHING'S EASIER WHEN YOU

KNOW THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

LET'S HAVE A TOAST, COME ON.

TOAST, YEAH.

TO JOHNSON.

TO JOHNSON.

JOHNSON, YAY!

CHEERS, JOHNSON.

MM, AHH, VODKA ZINGERS.

SMASHING.

>>

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

REALLY?

YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN

HERE 15 YEARS AGO, JOHNSON.

WHEN THE WHOLE ECONOMIC

EXPANSION WAS BEGINNING,

BLOKE LIKE ME WHO COULD SPEAK

THE LANGUAGE, I WAS IN DEMAND.

I TELL YOU WHAT, THEN, LOOK AT

THIS.

STUCK ON ME WRIST.

NOW, THIS WATCH.

THIS WATCH, JOHNSON.

THIS WAS MY REWARD TO MYSELF

FOR MY FIRST FINANCIAL DEAL

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.

LOOK AT IT.

FEEL THE WEIGHT.

LOOK AT THE QUALITY.

>> THIS IS VERY, VERY NICE.

YEAH.

MM...

MM...

YES...

VERY NICE.

>> VERY NICE.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN REAL AND FAKE,

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

YOU KNOW A REAL WATCH TELEGRAPHS

ITS AUTHENTICITY FROM A MILE

OFF.

IT'S LIKE ITS OWNER, IT'S THE

REAL DEAL, IT'S THE REAL DEAL.

NO.

>> HE'S THE REAL DEAL.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

>> YEAH?

>> YEAH.

THE REAL DEAL.

>>

>>

>> DAVID.

>> HEY, GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. >> COME ON IN.

>> COME ON IN.

>>

♪ YA-OOH...

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS TODAY.

>>

♪ YA-OOH...

♪ OOH... OH.

♪ OOH... OH.

>>

>>

>> CAN'T HANDLE YOUR DRINK?

WELL, OUR DISCREET TIE SICK-BAG

IS PERFECT FOR THE BUSINESSMAN

CAUGHT SHORT ON AN UNPLANNED

DRINKING SESSION.

YOU KNOW THE SCENARIO.

ONE QUICK AFTER-WORK THAT

ENDS IN ALL-NIGHT GRUESOME BINGE

DRINKING.

IT'S 3 a.m., YOU'VE lost your

keys, your wallet, your cell

phone, and now you're losing

your lunch.

Toss your cookies into this

paper bag built into your snazzy

tie.

Instantly deployable,

fully waterproof, easy to

replace and remove.

Never hurl into your friend's

face again.

IT'S perfect for taxi rides,

overcrowded restaurant booths

and even elevators.

And if you buy now, IT'S only

available at Johnson Novelties.

Prices start at $9.97.

COME ON, JOHNSON,

WE'VE GOTTA GO.

I WANNA SEE FLAMES.

GO ON, PUFF.

PUFF.

THAT'S GOT IT.

'ATTA BOY.

>>

>> DON'T INHALE.

>> JUST PUFF, O.K.

>> JUST PUFF.

>> I THINK I GOT IT.

>> I THINK YOU DID.

>>

>> THAT'S IT.

>> LOOK.

GARY DAHL TOOK A SIMPLE ROCK

LIKE THIS AND TURNED IT INTO

A MILLION-DOLLAR NOVELTY ITEM.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,

MAGNUS?

>> NO.

>> THAT MEANS THERE COULD BE

A MILLION DOLLARS UNDER OUR NOSE

RIGHT NOW.

>> I THINK I'D KNOW IF THERE WAS

A MILLION DOLLARS UNDER MY NOSE

RIGHT NOW.

>> ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

>> COME ON.

COME WITH ME.

IN 1975, GARY DAHL

ESTABLISHED ROCK BOTTOM

PRODUCTIONS.

WHAT HE DID WAS TAKE AN

ORDINARY ROCK AND SELL IT AS

A LIVE PET FOR $3.95 EACH.

THE ROCK WAS NESTLED IN A SMALL

CARDBOARD BOX AND INCLUDED A

PET ROCK TRAINING MANUAL, WHICH

INCLUDED CERTAIN TRICKS YOU

COULD TEACH THE NEW PET LIKE...

SIT, STAY, ROLL OVER,

PLAY DEAD.

WELL, THE FAD ONLY LASTED ABOUT

SIX MONTHS OR SO, ENDING WITH

THE CHRISTMAS SEASON IN 1975,

BUT WHO CARES-- IN 1975, THAT

LITTLE ITTY-BITTY TINY ROCK

MADE GARY DAHL OVER

$15 MILLION.

COMING.

MORNING, JOHNSON.

>> MORNING, MR. SAM.

>> HERE'S YOUR BILL.

>> WHOA.

I THOUGHT THINGS WERE CHEAPER

HERE IN SHANGHAI, CHINA.

>> ONE SUIT PLUS ONE SUIT.

VERY GOOD PRICE.

>> BUT I ONLY ORDERED ONE SUIT.

>> HERE.

YOUR FRIEND'S SUIT.

HE CHOSE 100% CASHMERE

FROM ITALY, VERY EXPENSIVE.

>> O.K.

LET ME GRAB MY MONEY BELT.

>> O.K.

>> O.K.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> IT'S FAKE.

>> EW.

>> YEAH, THOMAS, IT'S MAGNUS.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH

YOUR ASSISTANT.

HE SAID YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN

THE OFFICE TODAY.

HOW CAN THAT BE?

WE'VE GOT A MEETING IN

15 MINUTES.

WELL, CAN'T THE CLIENT MEET US?

NO, I GOT HIM IN THE CAR

RIGHT NOW.

THOMAS?

NO, THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE.

UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE.

I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR

LACK OF VISION.

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> JUST LET ME THINK FOR

A SECOND.

>> O.K.

>> I HATE THIS WEATHER.

I THINK I'M GETTING A MIGRAINE.

>> OH, HONEY.

>> LOOK, JOHNSON.

I MAY HAVE A BIT OF A PROBLEM

FINDING YOU A MANUFACTURER.

ALL MY CLIENTS ARE ONLY

INTERESTED IN BIG DEALS.

>> BUT ONLY THE FIRST ORDER

WILL BE SMALL, MAGNUS.

I HAVE LOTS OF IDEAS LINED UP

AT JOHNSON NOVELTIES.

>> YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT LET'S BE REALISTIC FOR

A SECOND.

TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE HERE.

I RECKON YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES.

ONE, I CAN HAVE OLIVE HERE

GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK WHILST

YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE TO

FIND ANOTHER MANUFACTURER,

OR YOU CAN STICK WITH ME.

>> I WANT TO STICK WITH YOU,

OF COURSE.

>> YEAH, THE PROBLEM WITH THAT

IS IT ISGONNA COST YOU A LITTLE

BIT MORE MONEY.

>> HOW MUCH ARE WE TALKING?

>> 15 TO 20% OF THE ORDER SIZE.

>> THAT'S 25% OF WHAT I ACTUALLY

BROUGHT OUT HERE.

>> WELL, YEAH, IT IS.

BUT I'LL NEGOTIATE THAT PAYOUT

ON THE BACK END, YOU'LL SEE IT

ALL BACK IN PRODUCT.

I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT.

>> O.K.

WOULD, UH, 500 BE ENOUGH FOR A

GOOD FAITH FEE?

>> NO, NOT REALLY.

I THINK ANYTHING LESS THAN...

I THINK ANYTHING LESS THAN... 2,000 IS A BIT OF AN INSULT.

2,000 IS A BIT OF AN INSULT.

>> OLIVE.

YEAH, WENDY, IT'S MAGNUS.

YEAH, IT FELL THROUGH.

I MIGHT AS WELL COME BACK TO

THE OFFICE AND LOOK OVER THOSE

ANDERSON PAPERS AGAIN, YEAH.

I'LL BE THERE IN ABOUT

25 MINUTES, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU IN A BIT.

LISTEN, JOHNSON, I'M GONNA

DROP YOU OFF AT THE END OF

THE BLOCK HERE, I'M GONNA GO AND

TAKE ANOTHER MEETING.

I'LL CALL YOU AFTER HE'S

COME BACK TO ME WITH ANYTHING,

ALL RIGHT?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> CHAUFFEUR.

>> CHAUFFEUR.

>>

YEAR OF THE PIG.

>> YOU ARE THE PIG.

>> NO, NO.

YEAR OF THE PIG.

>> YOU ARE THE PIG...

NOT ME.

>> PIGGY. LIKE...

YEAR OF THE PIGGY.

>> OH, YEAR, YEAH.

THIS YEAR. PIGGY YEAR.

>> MM...

I'LL TAKE THIS, PLEASE.

>>

>> Magnus:

VERY NICE.

>>

>>

>> HELLO?

>> Johnson, IT'S Magnus.

>> HEY, MAGNUS.

>> Listen, I got some good news.

I just got you a meeting.

>> REALLY?

WELL, THAT, THAT, THAT'S GREAT!

WHEN? >> Where are you?

>> I THINK I'M AT PU DONG

RIGHT NOW.

>> O.K., well, listen.

Meet me at the Northern

train station, O.K.?

Northern train station

in 10 minutes.

>> O.K., NO, WHERE'S THE

NORTHERN TRAIN STATION?

HELLO? MAGNUS? MAGNUS?

SIR? SIR? HOW MUCH LONGER?

>> 20 MINUTES.

20 MINUTES.

>> O.K., UM, CAN YOU MAKE IT

IN 10 MINUTES?

IN 10 MINUTES? >> AH...

>> AH...

>> NOW, THE MANUFACTURER IS

ABOUT 45 MINUTES OUT OF TOWN,

SO HIS RATES ARE REALLY GOOD

AND YOUR MONEY'S GONNA GO

A LOT FURTHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T

THINK OF IT BEFORE.

IT'S PERFECT.

HIS NAME'S JOE FRIEDMAN.

I'VE DONE WORK WITH HIM,

EXCEPTIONAL WORK.

TAKE THAT IF YOU GOT

ANY PROBLEMS.

I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO RUSH YOU,

BUT IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN TODAY.

HE'S FLYING TO A WEDDING

TOMORROW IN ISRAEL.

THAT'S YOUR TICKET, ALL RIGHT?

I'M SORRY, I WOULD COME WITH

YOU, BUT I GOT CLIENTS IN TOWN

ALL DAY.

>> MAGNUS, I THINK YOU SHOULD

REALLY COME WITH ME.

>> YOU'LL BE FINE.

HE'S A JEW FROM CANADA.

HE SPEAKS PERFECT ENGLISH.

>> MAGNUS, I THINK YOU SHOULD

REALLY COME WITH ME.

>> YOU DON'T NEED ME, JOHNSON.

YOU'RE A NATURAL BUSINESSMAN.

>> REALLY?

>> YOU IMPRESSED ME, RIGHT?

NOW, CALL ME THE MINUTE

YOU GET BACK.

I WANT TO HEAR ALL THE DETAILS.

AND TONIGHT I'M GONNA WINE

AND DINE MY NUMBER-ONE NOVELTY

CLIENT.

YOU BETTER GO, ALL RIGHT?

GO GET THE TRAIN.

GO GET THE TRAIN. >> MAGNUS... THANKS.

>> MAGNUS... THANKS.

>> MAGNUS... THANKS.

[MUSIC AND WHISTLING

CONTINUE...]

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, UM...

UM, DO YOU, DO YOU KNOW

WHERE WE ARE GOING?

UM, DO YOU KNOW WHERE

THE TRAIN IS STOPPING?

SEE, I'VE BEEN ON THIS TRAIN

FOR OVER AN HOUR NOW, AND I

THINK I WAS SUPPOSED TO STOP

AROUND 40 MINUTES.

DO, DO YOU KNOW WHERE

THIS TRAIN IS GOING?

WHERE WE'RE STOPPING?

WHERE WE'RE STOPPING? >>

>>

>> UM, THE, THE TRAIN.

>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

>> YEAH, UM...

>>

ZHOUZHUANG.

>> ONE MORE TIME?

>>

UM... YOU... YOU GOING

TO ZHOUZHUANG.

>> O.K., ZHOUZHUANG.

UM... IS JOE FRIEDMAN THERE?

DO YOU KNOW A JOE FRIEDMAN?

SORRY, UM...

>> FRIEDMAN?

>>

WHAT'S WRONG?

>> SORRY, UM, NO, I, I...

>> SORRY, UM, NO, I, I... UM...

UM...

>> MM... UH...

>>

UM...

"GET OFF TRAIN."

>>

WHERE... WHERE...

WHERE GET OFF TRAIN?

>> YEAH, GET OFF TRAIN.

STOP. WHERE DOES TRAIN STOP?

>> ZHOU... ZHOUZHUANG.

>> ZHOUZHUANG?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I REMEMBER THAT IN MY GUIDEBOOK.

I REMEMBER THAT IN MY GUIDEBOOK.

ZHOUZHUANG.

IT'S AN ANCIENT WATER CITY.

>> UH...

>> WATER CITY.

>> WHAT CITY?

>> WATER. UM...

WATER, WATER, WATER, WATER.

>>

>> YEAH, WATER CITY.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

>> NO, NO, NO.

SORRY, SORRY.

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND EITHER.

UM...

SORRY.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE

CONFUSING, UM, AND I'M ACTING

LIKE A COMPLETE FOOL RIGHT NOW.

SORRY.

UM...

>> VERY SORRY.

I SPEAK ENGLISH.

>> YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

>> UM, NOT SPEAK ENGLISH.

>> YEAH, UM... I DON'T

SPEAK CHINESE.

OH, MY GOD!

>> UH, WE'RE IN TROUBLE, HUH?

>> HMM?

>> HMM?

>> MALE. >> MALE.

>> MALE.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> VERY, VERY GOOD.

DAD.

>> DAD. MAMA.

>>

>> PIAO LIANG.

>> PIAO LIANG.UM...

PIAO LIANG?

>> YES, YOU ARE...

PIAO LIANG.

>> UH...

>> UH...

>> UM, SO, LET ME CALL MY

BUSINESS COLLEAGUE ONE MORE

TIME, O.K.? >> UH, O.K.

TIME, O.K.? >> UH, O.K. >> O.K.

>> O.K.

>> O.K.

DAMN IT!

GUESS I SHOULD STICK

TO WHAT I'M GOOD AT.

TO WHAT I'M GOOD AT. >>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> XIE XIE.

>> UM, YEAH, HE DIDN'T ANSWER.

>> UH...

UH... ARE YOU GOING

TO ZHOUZHUANG?

>> UM... I DON'T KNOW.

UH...

>> UH... COME... COME WITH ME.

>> COME WITH YOU?

>> YEAH. UH, YOU... YOU AND ME

WALK TOGETHER.

YOU... YOU AND ME

WALK TOGETHER.

>> O.K., I HAVE A LITTLE TIME,

I GUESS. >> YEAH.

>> O.K.

>>

>> DO I PIAO LIANG?

>> MM, BEAUTIFUL.

>> BEAUTIFUL, YEAH.

>> BEAUTIFUL, YEAH. >>

>>

>>

>> HOLD ON.

UH, PHOTO.

UH, PHOTO. UM...

UM...

UM...

CAN I PUT MY ARM AROUND YOU?

YEAH, O.K.

SAY CHEESE, ALL RIGHT?

ONE... TWO... THREE.

[MAN SINGING IN FRENCH,

CHORUS VOCALIZING...]

CHORUS VOCALIZING...] >>

>>

>> "...BY THE OFFSPRING OF..."

WOW.

>>

>>

>>

YA, YA, YA!

YA, YA, YA!

>>

>>

>> UM... WILL YOU WRITE TO ME?

UM...

>> HUH?

>>

>> YEAH.

>>

>> YEAH.

>> UH...

>> YEAH...

>> O.K., O.K.

THANK YOU.

>> OH... I GOT TO GO.

>> OH... I GOT TO GO.

ALL RIGHT... ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT... ALL RIGHT.

DO YOU GUYS EVEN KNOW WHO

SAMUEL SORENSON ADAMS IS?

DO YOU? HE WAS THIS GUY WHO WAS

WORKING AS A SALESMAN FOR

A COAL TAR COMPANY WHEN HE CAME

UP WITH THE IDEA FOR CACHOO

SNEEZING POWDER.

A SNEEZING POWDER CRAZE

SWEPT THE COUNTRY.

WITHIN THREE MONTHS, HE HAD

SOLD OVER 70,000 JARS.

HE WENT ON TO INVENT CLASSICS

LIKE BUG IN THE ICE CUBE,

THE SQUIRTING QUARTER,

THE EXPLODING CIGARETTE,

SNAKE IN A CAN, AND OF COURSE,

THE SUPER JOY BUZZER.

SAM ADAMS IS CONSIDERED THE

GRANDFATHER OF NOVELTY, AND HE

WAS SO SUCCESSFUL, HE DIDN'T

HAVE TO CUT A SINGLE SALARY

EVEN DURING THE ENTIRE GREAT

DEPRESSION.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE ALL OF HIS IDEAS

WERE RECESSION-PROOF,

THAT'S WHY.

...HEY, MAGNUS.

>> If I set up a meeting, well,

you sure as shit better show up.

Joe Friedman is livid!

He's been waiting for you

all day.

Have you any idea what an

asshole he is when he's pissed?

>> MAGNUS, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO

GET AHOLD OF YOU ALL DAY LONG,

AND I COULDN?T--

>> Just meet me at the Yesterday

Pub in 30 minutes with the keys

to my client apartment.

I am done dealing with you.

You're an amateur.

>> MAGNUS. MAGNUS! HELLO?

HELLO? MAGNUS!

HELLO? MAGNUS!

MAGNUS! WHAT'S WRONG?

>> I'VE GOT A MIGRAINE.

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

>> MAGNUS, I THINK YOU PUT ME

ON THE WRONG TRAIN.

I GOT ON THE TRAIN YOU TOLD ME--

>> BULLSHIT! I'VE WORKED HARD.

I'VE WORKED VERY HARD FOR THOSE

MANUFACTURING CONTACTS, AND I'M

NOT HAVING 'EM STUFFED UP BY

SOME BRIC-A-BRAC PUSHER.

>> THIS IS ABSURD.

I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING--

>> YOU HAVE PUT IN JEOPARDY

A MUCH LARGER DEAL I WAS

WORKING ON WITH THOSE

MANUFACTURING CONTACTS.

>> I TRIED CALLING ALL DAY,

AND I-- >> LOWER YOUR VOICE!

I TOLD YOU, I GOT A HEADACHE.

MAGNUS, I TRIED

CALLING ALL DAY, AND I COULDN?T

GET THROUGH, O.K.?

>> PROBABLY BECAUSE JOE FRIEDMAN

WAS UP MY ASS ALL DAY LONG

LOOKING FOR YOU!

NOW, GIVE ME THE KEYS.

YOU ARE NO LONGER A CLIENT

OF MINE.

ARE YOU SURE

ABOUT THIS? >> YES, I AM.

YES, I AM.

GOD, MY HEAD!

WHERE ARE THOSE PAINKILLERS?

>> I NEED MY MONEY BACK.

>> NO, THAT MONEY'S GONE,

JOHNSON.

WHERE ARE MY PAINKILLERS?

HAVE YOU GOT MY PAINKILLERS?

>> THEN HOW AM I GONNA

MANUFACTURE MY PRODUCT?

>> I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR

PRODUCT, JOHNSON.

I'M GONNA BE SICK.

>> I TRIED CALLING ALL DAY.

>> GIVE THE KEYS!

>> I KNOW.

I KNOW, O.K.?

CAN I PLEASE GO BACK AND PACK UP

MY THINGS?

>> WE PACK.

GIVE ME THE KEYS!

>> OLIVE, MAYBE YOU CAN TALK TO

MAGNUS.

ALL I NEED IS A MANUFACTURING

CONTACT, THAT IS IT!

CONTACT, THAT IS IT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

MR. CHOI, ANSWER, YOU FRIGGIN'

ASS-WIPE.

ASS-WIPE.

>> MY IDEA IS A NECESSITY.

AND THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.

THAT'S THE HOOK.

YOU THINK IT'S A JOKE TILL YOU

ACTUALLY CONSIDER IT, THAT

EVERYWHERE, EVERYONE--

THAT EVERYONE EVERYWHERE WILL

WANT ONE, AND IT, IT'S BOTH

NOVEL, NEEDFUL, NOVEL-FULL,

AND THEREIN LIES ITS GINORMOUS

POTENTIAL FOR PROFIT.

>> GINORMOUS, RIGHT, RIGHT, O.K.

>> GOOD, SO I CAN COUNT ON MY

BANK FOR THE LOAN?

>>

NO, JOHNSON, NO.

>> REALLY?

I SEE.

I SEE, O.K.

WELL, I THINK YOU'RE MISSING OUT

ON AN INCREDIBLY EXCITING

OPPORTUNITY.

>> RIGHT, O.K.

SO, WE'RE DONE HERE.

TELL YOUR SISTER I SAID HELLO.

AUGH!

AUGH!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA

DO, HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

LIVE WITH YOUR MOM FOR THE REST

OF YOUR LIFE?

GO WORK FOR SOME JERK?

NO, NO WAY.

LOOK, YOU HAVE VISION.

YOU HAVE... NICENESS.

CREATIVITY.

JOHNSON, JUST KEEP YOUR EYE ON

THE PRIZE.

THE PRIZE. EYE ON THE PRIZE.

EYE ON THE PRIZE.

UH, I LIKE TO CLOSE MY ACCOUNT,

PLEASE.

PLEASE. O.K.

O.K.

And how would you like that,

sir?

>> HUNDREDS, PLEASE.

>> HUNDREDS, PLEASE. >> Sure, one second.

>> Sure, one second.

>> Sure, one second.

BACK IN SHANGHAI,

BABY.

>> I KNOW, YOU READY TO GO OUT?

I'M EXHAUSTED.

>> UGH, SO WHAT'S UP WITH

CAPTAIN STUBEY?

HE'S, LIKE, OBSESSED WITH YOU.

>> THE MAN IS A PIG.

CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING MARRIED

TO HIM? HE'S DISGUSTING.

AND WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT GUY

IN 1-A, IS THAT GUY THAT, UM...

>> SLEPT WITH SUE?

>> WHOA, WHOA, DID MAGNUS

SEND YOU?

>> STAND DOWN!

>> I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANY MORE

MONEY.

GO!

>> GOT HIM?

>> GET THE KNIFE, IT'S IN THERE!

>> HE'S OUT.

DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

>> NO, NO IDEA.

WHAT'S HE DOING IN OUR

APARTMENT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> WE HAVE ABOUT THREE SECONDS.

YOU READY?

>> YOU READY?

>>

>> WHO ARE YOU, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING IN OUR APARTMENT?

>> MAGNUS GAVE ME THE KEYS.

MAGNUS TOLD ME I COULD STAY

HERE.

>> WHAT KEYS?

>> WHO'S MAGNUS?

>> THE KEYS THAT ARE IN

MY POCKET.

MAY I PLEASE HAVE PERMISSION

TO RETRIEVE THEM?

>> MOVE SLOWLY.

>> YOU'RE PRESSING THAT UMBRELLA

AT A VERY VITAL VEIN.

>> SHUT UP!

>> I GUESS THEY'RE NOT IN MY

POCKET.

THEY MUST BE IN MY SHIN POCKET.

CHECK MY SHIN POCKET.

>> CHECK HIS SHINS.

>>

WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

YOU COULD'VE SIMPLY LIFTED

MY PANT LEG!

>> SHUT UP!

>> THESE ARE OUR HOUSEKEEPER'S

KEYS.

>> AT LEAST CAN YOU TELL ME

WHERE THE HOUSEKEEPER LIVES?

...THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

CON TRICKS AND PRACTICAL JOKES

CAN BE VERY BLURRED.

BOTH ARE HAD AT SOMEONE'S

EXPENSE AND BOTH REQUIRE

DECEPTION.

BUT HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE.

THE PRACTICAL JOKE IS ALL ABOUT

THE REVEAL, LIKE...

>> YOU LOSE ME MY JOB!

THE PLASTIC COOKIE

MUST BE BITTEN.

THE SQUIRTING FLOWER MUST

SQUIRT.

THE WHOOPEE CUSHION MUST BE

SAT ON.

THE JOKE MUST BE REVEALED FOR

HILARITY TO ENSUE.

AND THEREIN LIES THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN CON AND PRANK.

THE SUCCESSFUL CON TRICK MUST

REMAIN UNDETECTED AT ALL TIMES,

NO MATTER WHAT, FOR IT TO WORK.

THERE IS NO REVEAL,

HILARITY DOES NOT ENSUE.

WHAT?

OH, HONEY.

>> OLIVE, DO WE HAVE TO GO

THROUGH THIS EVERY TIME?

>> WHERE'S MY MONEY, MAGNUS?

>> WHERE IS MY MONEY?

YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF HERE,

MAGNUS.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF HERE

UNTIL I GET MY MONEY.

I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU SCREW ME.

THAT'S MY HARD-EARNED MONEY.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT

MEANS?

DO YOU?

>> LOWER YOUR VOICE, PLEASE.

MY HEAD.

>> YOU ARE VERY BAD PERSON!

>> I'M NOT A BAD PERSON.

>> RICKY RED?

RICKY RED?

>> RICKY RED?

HELLO.

HI, THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

SO, HAVE YOU, UM,

HAVE YOU PREPARED SOMETHING

FOR US?

YEAH, YEAH, I HAVE.

O.K., GREAT.

WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

>> ALL RIGHT, THEN.

THERE, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

SCENE.

WOW.

THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

>> YEAH?

THAT WAS... INTERESTING.

WOW.

>> WELL, THANK YOU, THAT REALLY

MEANS A LOT TO ME.

WOW, UM, O.K., COULD

YOU SHOW US YOUR TEETH?

LIKE, GIVE US A BIG SMILE.

>> I DON'T REALLY SHOW MY TEETH

WHEN I SMILE.

RIGHT, IT'S JUST THAT

THIS CHARACTER BITES SOMEONE,

SO WE KIND OF NEED TO SEE YOUR

TEETH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

UM, UM, O.K., O.K.

UH, AND HAVE YOU READ THE PART?

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH

THE SCRIPT?

>> YEAH, I HAVE.

I REALLY LIKE THE PART,

ACTUALLY.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PLAYING

BUSINESSMEN AND I REALLY RELISH

THE CHANCE OF PLAYING A VILLAIN.

UH, O.K., WELL, IT'S,

IT'S, ACTUALLY, THE, THE VILLAIN

PART'S FOR SOMEONE A BIT

YOUNGER.

AND WE ACTUALLY BROUGHT

YOU IN FOR THE BUSINESSMAN

CHARACTER.

YEAH, TO PLAY

THE BUSINESSMAN.

>> I LOOK A LITTLE BIT-- I LOOK

A LOT YOUNGER WITHOUT THE BEARD.

O.K.

UM, HMM.

O.K.

WELL, THANKS, THANKS FOR,

THANKS FOR COMING IN, THANK YOU.

>> A PLEASURE.

O.K., GREAT.

>> ALL RIGHT, YEAH, O.K.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

>> THANKS A LOT, YEAH.

THANKS.

THANKS.

>> Magnus: ...10:30.

YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

THANKS.

GET UP.

HERE.

I JUST GOT YOU A MEETING WITH

SHANGHAI PLASTIC MOLDINGS

IN AN HOUR'S TIME, YOU BETTER

GET READY.

I SHOULD'VE DONE THIS WHEN I

FIRST MET YOU.

I'M NOT PROUD OF WHAT I'VE DONE.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

>> WHAT, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

RING 'EM.

IT'S GENUINE.

CRUSH MY NUTS IF I'M LYING.

>> YOU BETTER NOT BE JERKING ME

>> YOU BETTER NOT BE JERKING ME AROUND.

AROUND.

WHERE'S MY SEWING KIT?

HOLD ON.

SHANGHAI PLASTIC MOLDINGS?

I TOLD YOU, MY PRODUCT IS

A TEXTILE PRODUCT.

WHAT USE IS A PLASTIC MOLDINGS

COMPANY, HUH?

>> RELAX.

PLASTIC MOLDING'S JUST WHAT THEY

STARTED WITH BACK IN THE '70S.

THEY'LL MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOU

NOW.

ALTHOUGH THEY STILL ARE

SHANGHAI'S PREMIUM MARITAL AID

MANUFACTURERS.

>> MARITAL AIDS?

>> YEAH, DILDOS, BUTT PLUGS,

RUBBER TWATS, THAT KIND OF

THING.

>> WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

>> IT'S THE SMELL OF MY FINE

TOBACCO, JOHNSON.

>> THAT'S NOT TOBACCO, MAGNUS.

THAT'S ILLEGAL.

YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY PUT THAT

OUT, WE COULD GET SERIOUSLY

BUSTED.

>>

>> MAGNUS...

IS THAT WHAT YOU'VE BEEN

SPENDING MY MONEY ON?

>>

>> IT IS, ISN'T IT?

HOW MUCH IS LEFT?

>> LET ME SEE.

NONE.

>> IS THAT SOME KIND OF JOKE?

COME ON, MAGNUS, WHERE IS

MY MONEY?

>> I WIRED IT TO A POLISH

DENTIST.

I'M HAVING NEW TEETH MADE FOR

OLIVE AND ME.

>> WHAT?

>> POLISH DENTISTS HAVE THE BEST

PRICES RIGHT NOW.

PRICES RIGHT NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

>> HOW CAN YOU SERIOUSLY LIVE

LIKE THIS, MAGNUS?

HAVE YOU NO SELF-RESPECT?

YOU, I MEAN, YOU ARE A CON

ARTIST!

>>

PASS US THAT COFFEE.

>> WHAT GOOD IS THAT GONNA

DO YOU?

>> IT'S MY THROAT.

COFFEE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU SERIOUSLY DISGUST ME.

>> GOD, IT'S MY THROAT.

>> JUST STRAIGHTEN YOURSELF OUT

BEFORE WE GO TO SHANGHAI PLASTIC

MOLDINGS, PLEASE.

>> I'M NOT COMING WITH YOU.

YOU'LL BE FINE.

MY HANDS HAVE GONE ALL TINGLY.

I FEEL REALLY WEIRD.

>> MAGNUS...

YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

AND I'LL TELL YOU THE REASON WHY

YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

BECAUSE "A," I DON'T TRUST YOU

FURTHER THAN I CAN THROW

A HIPPO, AND "B," YOU'RE GOING

TO PAY FOR MY PRODUCT.

>>

LISTEN, IF YOU WANT ME TO COME

WITH YOU, IT'S GONNA COST YOU

ANOTHER 500.

I'M REALLY RUNNING ON FUMES

HERE.

>> I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANOTHER

DIME.

>> I'M WORTH IT.

YOU'VE SEEN ME IN ACTION.

>> SERIOUSLY?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

>> I'M HYPOGLYCEMIC.

WHEN DID I LAST EAT?

NEED SOMETHING TO EAT.

WHAT ARE THESE?

YUMMY POTATO CHIPS?

>> YEP.

>> JESUS!

>> MAGNUS?

MAGNUS.

MAGNUS?

SPEAK.

SPEAK, MAGNUS.

MAGNUS, MAGNUS.

MAGNUS, SPEAK, SPEAK!

OH, MY GOD, HELP.

HELP, HELP!

MAGNUS?

SPEAK.

HELP.

HELP, HELP.

SOMEONE CALL 9-1-1.

HELLO, HELLO, IS ANYONE

IN HERE? HELLO?

LISTEN, LISTEN, THERE'S A MAN,

HE'S HAVING A SERIOUS HEART

CONDITION IN THERE, AND I NEED

YOUR HELP.

CAN YOU PLEASE CALL 9-1-1?

MAGNUS?

>>

>> OPEN THE DOOR, MAGNUS.

WHAT ABOUT MY PRODUCT?

WHAT ABOUT MY BAGS?

WHAT ABOUT MY PANTS?

GO BACK DOWN INTO

THE ALLEYWAY.

WHEN I SEE YOU'RE THERE,

I'LL PUT 'EM OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

>> NO, JUST OPEN THE DOOR

IMMEDIATELY.

DO IT.

>> THE MAN IN 308 IS A DRUGGIE.

>> THE MAN IN 308 IS A DRUGGIE. HE'S A SERIOUS DRUG USER.

HE'S A SERIOUS DRUG USER.

YOU LOOKED AT MY PRODUCT.

YEAH.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

>> I AM NOT AN IDIOT.

WHERE ARE MY PANTS?

WHERE ARE MY OTHER PANTS THAT

WERE ON THE BACK OF THE SOFA?

WERE ON THE BACK OF THE SOFA? WHERE ARE MY SHOES?

WHERE ARE MY SHOES?

WHERE ARE MY SHOES? GOOD LUCK, JOHNSON.

GOOD LUCK, JOHNSON.

GOOD LUCK, JOHNSON.

>>

>>

LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

THAT BEHIND EVERY OBJECT IS

THAT BEHIND EVERY OBJECT IS A HISTORY...

A HISTORY...

AND IN THAT HISTORY IS AN

INVENTOR...

LIKE ME.

LIKE ME.

>> MR. JOHNSON, THEY'RE READY

FOR YOU.

PLEASE FOLLOW ME.

THIS WAY.

THIS WAY.

THIS WAY.

>>

>> MR. JOHNSON, THIS IS MR. LEE,

MS. CHUNG AND MR. LUENG.

MR. LUENG IS THE QUALITY CONTROL

SUPERVISOR FOR ALL OF SHANGHAI

PLASTIC MOLDINGS.

>> NI HAO, NI HAO.

>>

"PLEASE SIT DOWN,"

"PLEASE SIT DOWN," HE SAYS.

HE SAYS.

THANKS VERY MUCH FOR

HAVING ME.

>>

MIGHT I SUGGEST, UH, YOU GET TO

THE POINT?

REGRETTABLY, YOU WERE AN HOUR

LATE, AND THESE PEOPLE ARE VERY

BUSY.

>> YES, YES, LOOK, I'M VERY

SORRY ABOUT THAT, I WAS HAVING

SERIOUS PANT ISSUES.

>>

>> EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME?

WILL YOU PLEASE NOT TRANSLATE

THAT BIT ABOUT THE PANTS?

>> NO, I WASN'T.

I WAS TELLING THEM THAT YOU'RE

HERE TO DISCUSS THE MANUFACTURE

OF A HUMOROUS TEXTILE PRODUCT

FOR THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING MARKET.

FOR THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING MARKET. RIGHT, I AM.

RIGHT, I AM.

GENTLEMEN AND LADY.

I AM HERE BEFORE YOUR EYES

TO DISCUSS MY NOVELTY PRODUCT.

IT HAS ALL THE MAKINGS OF A

CULT CLASSIC.

IT'S BOTH HUMOROUS AND

PRACTICAL, IT WILL APPEAL TO

THE COLLEGE JOCK AND THE

CLEAN FREAK ALIKE.

AND, AS I LIKE TO SAY,

IT'S NOVEL AND NEEDFUL.

IT'S GOING TO REVOLUTIONIZE

THE ENTIRE...

>> MR. JOHNSON, YOU DON'T NEED

TO SELL THEM ANYTHING.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY NOT THAT

INTERESTED IN THE IDEA OR

THE MARKET.

JUST SHOW THEM WHAT IT IS

JUST SHOW THEM WHAT IT IS YOU WANT THEM TO MAKE.

YOU WANT THEM TO MAKE.

YOU WANT THEM TO MAKE.

>> GENTLEMEN AND LADY,

I PRESENT TO YOU...

THE ASS/FACE TOWEL.

NOT ONLY A NOVELTY ITEM,

BUT A VERY USEFUL ONE FOR

ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO WIPE

THEIR FACE WITH THE SAME SIDE OF

THE TOWEL THAT THEY USE TO WIPE

THEIR, UH... ASS.

>> DO THEY GET IT?

>> GET WHAT?

>> RIGHT.

>> UH, MS. CHUNG ASKS,

"HOW MANY UNITS?"

>> OH, ASK HOW MANY THEY CAN DO

FOR THIS...

AND...

THIS.

>> MR. JOHNSON, THIS ISN'T

A MOROCCAN BAZAAR.

THESE PEOPLE DEAL IN MONEY

TRANSFERS AND BANKER'S CHECKS.

YOU CAN'T JUST COME IN HERE

YOU CAN'T JUST COME IN HERE AND ACT LIKE IT'S A PAWN SHOP.

AND ACT LIKE IT'S A PAWN SHOP.

AND ACT LIKE IT'S A PAWN SHOP.

>> IT'S THE REAL DEAL.

>>

>> HE BELIEVES YOU THAT

IT'S REAL, HE SAYS IT'S

OBVIOUSLY VERY EXPENSIVE.

>>

>> UH, DO YOU HAVE BUSINESS

CARDS?

>> YES, I SURE DO.

>> YES, I SURE DO. I HAVE A BUNCH.

I HAVE A BUNCH.

>>

>> "NO NEED FOR THANKS."

>> "NO NEED FOR THANKS."

INITIAL SALES FOR

THE ASS/FACE TOWEL WERE SLOW,

BUT WHEN MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY

WAS PHOTOGRAPHED USING AN

ASS/FACE TOWEL ON THE BEACH OF

MALIBU... MY SALES IMMEDIATELY

TRIPLED.

THE TOWEL THEN BECAME

A SIGNATURE FEATURE OF HIPSTER

HOTEL CHAIN BO'S CHATEAU.

TO DATE, OVER SIX MILLION HAVE

BEEN SOLD, AND IT HAS BEEN

TRANSLATED INTO EIGHT

LANGUAGES.

THE SUCCESS OF THE ASS/FACE

TOWEL FINANCED THE CREATION OF

JOHNSON NOVELTIES.

JOHNSON NOVELTIES.

♪ WELL, THE PLANES CAME

WITH A DEFINITE ROAR

AND WE WERE ON THE RUN ♪

♪ EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD,

WELL, YOU BETTER HAVE

GRABBED YOUR GUN ♪

♪ YOU COULD RUN TILL YOU DIE,

LITTLE SOLDIER, DON'T MATTER

WHERE YOU COME FROM ♪

♪ DO WHAT THE GENERAL ORDERED,

KEEP MARCHING ON, OH ♪

♪ KEEP MARCHING ON-ON-ON

♪ KEEP MARCHING ON

♪ WELL, THE BULLETS FLY

AND I AIN'T LYIN',

BUT YOU KEEP MARCHING ON ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA

LOSE YOUR SHOES, WELL,

KEEP MARCHING ON ♪

♪ YOU GO AND KEEP ON MARCHING

TILL A-HALF OF YOUR HEAD

IS GONE ♪

♪ DO WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID

AND KEEP MARCHING ON, OH ♪

♪ KEEP MARCHING OH-OH-OH

♪ KEEP MARCHING ON

♪ AND I'M SINGING,

HEY... SISTER ♪

♪ HEY, SISTER♪

♪ HEY, BROTHER

>> ♪ HEY, BROTHER♪

>> ♪ KEEP MARCHING ON, ON

♪ KEEP MARCHING ON.

♪ KEEP MARCHING ON.

>> ♪ I WANNA RUN, RUN-RUN,

RUN AWAY ♪

♪ I WANNA RUN, RUN-RUN,

RUN AWAY ♪

RUN AWAY ♪

♪ RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY,

RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY ♪

♪ RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY

♪ RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY

♪ RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY

♪ I WANNA RUN, RUN, RUN,

RUN AWAY ♪

♪ I WANNA RUN, RUN, RUN,

RUN AWAY ♪

RUN AWAY ♪

♪ RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY

♪ RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY

♪ RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY

RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY!

♪ HEY, HEY!

♪ HEY!

♪ HEY!