Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen - It's Kevin.

HORSE NEIGHS

HE TUNES GUITAR

CHURCH BELL RINGS

GUITAR INTRO - COUNTRY MUSIC

Well, welcome to my show It sure is good to see you folks

We've got ourselves some comedy with crazy skits and jokes

We've got some songs to make ya laugh and some to make ya cry

So help yourself to grits and corn, there's plenty pecan pie

I want to hear a hee, a haw and can I hear a ho?

I do believe we're going to see what's called a do-si-do

Hey, yeah it's the Kevin Eldon Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show

Yee-haa!

Hell, yeah It's the Kevin Eldon Show

It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.

MUSIC STYLE TURNS ELECTRONIC

(ELECTRONIC VOICE SAMPLE) Show, show, show, show, show, show...

Got a show right here it's smoking,

toking, want to see ya laughing and a-joking

Got some jokes that pump and thump and hump and

mess-up and think there's even one about a dumpling.

LYRICS BECOME UNINTELLIGIBLE

...'Cause all is need is oxygen!

Oxygen, oxygen Bob, can you bring some oxygen?

? Oxygen, oxygen, I really need some oxygen! Oxygen, oxygen! ?

HE INHALES DEEPLY

Aaahhh!

COCK CROWS

COUNTRY MUSIC STYLE

Hot dog, it's the Kevin Eldon Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show

Lord have mercy!

Hoo-wee, it's the Kevin Eldon Show,

It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

? Kevin Eldon Sho-o-o-o-w. ?

Yee-haa!

All right!

Hmm, you really are making excellent progress, Mrs Drury.

I'll just get the nurse to take your temperature.

I take it you don't object to being treated by a sexy '80s nurse?

Nurse!

TROMBONE STRIPTEASE MUSIC

Cor!

Blimey!

Whoops!

STEAM TRAIN WHISTLE

SHE LAUGHS

I...I...I...I...I...

I'll see you the same time tomorrow, Mrs Drury.

Delightful card.

Ahhh!

It's the last show of the series, so quite frankly,

this week I am spoiling myself rotten.

Just a bit lower there please, Olga. Ah, thanks very much.

And why not - it's only your money.

Some of which I'm also using to hire close-up magician Billy Pike

to personally entertain me.

- Hi, Billy. - Hello.

I love close-up magic.

Well, how about this?

Oh, it's magic!

Abracadabra.

How do you do it?

I start by holding the coin between me forefinger and me thumb

and moving the other hand across it like this.

When I open me hand, it appears like it's vanished.

In fact, I don't take it.

Just let the coin fall into this hand, like so.

But the next bit is a bit trickier.

If I want to move the coin from the palm of me

hand to behind your ear, I have to summon up the power of pure evil,

which I've harnessed in the form of a still-beating human heart,

that I cut from the living body of a virgin.

Oh.

I keep in this shoebox.

Oh, yeah, that is still beating, isn't it?

Yeah, it has to be a beating heart...of a virgin.

DISTANT SCREAMS

Or else the trick...

...won't work!

So it's actually quite simple, isn't it?

When you know how.

Hey, do you fancy a massage?

Ooh, I wouldn't say no.

KNUCKLES CRACK

Be gentle!

What? Howay, man! That's shite!

It's nothing like us.

Ya want to lay aff the Rioja!

- And now... - Excuse me? Would you like a fight?

Um...no, not just now, thanks.

Right ho.

And now once more to the white coat window

on the world of worldwide wonders with the wuverly Wendy Wilson.

Wendy, welcome and wa wa woo?

- What's that? - How are you?

- Fine, thank you. - Warvellous. Um, I bought some flowers.

Oh, yes - Aster alpinus. Imperilled in certain Canadian provinces.

The multiverse?

Yes, this is the theory that there is an infinite

number of universes in which every possible scenario is played out.

And this is a machine I've invented, the Multiversoscope,

which allows us to briefly view those universes.

- You are so clever. - Yes, I am.

Now, let's see what this show looks like in other universes.

I just type in "It's Kevin"...

...and push this button for a random selection...

and...

According to the readout, in this universe,

you are a grossly stereotypical Scotsman.

Yeah... What do you mean, grossly stereotypical?

Oooh, what's this?

Apparently this is a universe where you're a toy helicopter.

Oh, look! Look at my tiny rotor blades!

And this is you in a universe where there are no foot spas.

No foot spas? Wow, we are through the looking glass here, people.

And in this universe, there's only one foot spa.

(STRAINED) Oh, one foot spa!

And in this universe,

you're that woman that put the cat in a wheelie bin.

- Oh, yeah! - So as you can see, in the multiverse,

absolutely anything is possible.

Anything at all.

In that case, then, there's a universe somewhere where you and I...

- Yes? - We're both...

...wheat intolerant.

Without a doubt.

Great. Thanks, Wendy.

You're welcome.

BRASS BAND MUSIC

Good evening. My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.

I am a fictional man from the north of England.

Fictional, mind, fictional.

So, imagine my disgust t'other day

when I sat down to table only to discover that me tea weren't ready!

For although I am a fictional northern man, I am a traditional fictional northern man.

I race pigeons! I never win, but it's taking part that counts.

I go down t'mine ten hours every day.

It's been closed for years, but old habits... I keep whippets!

In t'freezer. Stops 'em going off so fast.

So when I, a traditional fictional northern man, sit down to t'tea

table, clock on t'mantelpiece striking six, only to be confronted

with nowt but t'bare tablecloth - which were filthy, incidentally -

a very ancient fury were ignited.

"Wife!" I shouted. "Wife! Wife!

"Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife!"

Decisions. There are small ones and not-so-small ones.

And every now and then, you make a decision,

don't you, that changes your whole life.

I recently made a decision like that when I decided to foster a ghost.

Do you want to meet her?

Chloe? Chloe?

She's really been through it, poor thing. She drowned in a peat bog

around the middle of the 19th century, whilst

running away from a particularly brutal orphanage.

I'm surprised she's as well-adjusted as she is. Hey, Chloe.

Do you want to say hello?

SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY

Yeah, she'll be fine once she's settled into her routine.

Won't you, Chloe?

SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY

You just have to ignore this sort of thing, apparently.

"...Wife! Wife! Wife!

"Wife! Wife! Wife!"

Did I get an answer? Did I buggery as 'eck like dry-stone wall.

I were about to take me temper out on me pipe rack

and not for t'first time either, when I heard somebody slipping in.

"Oh, how very kind of you to make an appearance, lady,"

I quipped sarcastically. "What time do you call this?"

"Time you found a wife," said old Tom from next door,

for it was he.

"Me and the Mrs is sick of this, six o'clock every bloody night,

"this racket kicking off.

"If you don't stop shouting, 'Wife! Wife!'

"we're going to tell t'Council, then you'll get what for."

Well, I couldn't very well much say to that, could I?

'Cause I'd ruptured me larynx shouting "Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife!

"Wife!

"Wi-fe! Wi-ife! Wii-ife!"

DUBSTEP MUSIC

Ah, just chilling out to some dubstep. I love dubstep.

Did you know that dubstep's calming influence is being

recommended by qualified medical practitioners to relieve

stress in all kinds of situations?

DUBSTEP BLARES

At the dentists'...

MUSIC BLARES

...during labour...

...at times of bereavement.

Ahh, dubstep.

Hey, Bob - do you like dubstep?

Yes, I do like dubstep.

In fact, I'm going to listen to some dubstep right now.

Oh, before you go to listen to some dubstep, do you think you could

bring over a few of those leaflets they've put through the door?

I fancy some takeaway.

Righto.

Cheers.

Whoo! You can hear my stomach rumbling!

Oh, no. It's the dubstep.

Here we go. So what do you fancy?

We've got Sausage Abattoir, Hen Shed, Paella Cellar,

Risotto Grotto, Stalag Burger, Offal Hovel,

Giblet Attic, Fritter Cottage,

Grub Ditch, Snack Dump, Soup Trough,

Kebab Cupboard, Maison de Biryani,

Lamb Dungeon, Gammon Pantry,

Pastapartment, or Spam Toilet.

Hmmm.

Could you do us a cheese sandwich, Bob?

Coming up!

THANKS, BOB!

There's everything you need at a price you'll love at Fortune Cruncher.

A pack of four kitchen rolls for ?5,000!

What an absolute fortune!

Three washing-up sponges, ?2,800. A4 lined refill pad, ?1,100.

Unbranded Bulgarian Mars Bars, ?700 each, two for ?3,000.

With every Fortune Cruncher bargain you can rest assured you're

paying way, way, way over the odds!

These prices are obscene!

Fortune Cruncher, why pay less if you can afford MORE?

If you remember skinheads, the Millennium bug or homosexuals,

you'll love Classic Threats Magazine,

the reassuring read about things that don't seem quite so scary any more.

Issue one comes with a free classic Protect and Survive manual

and a necrotising fasciitis face mask.

Classic Threats magazine, because fear plus time equals fun.

Ooh, here, there's a man now.

Excuse me, Kevin.

Oh, yes, Margaret.

You've got a book out that was due back a week ago.

- Really? - Yes. Um, what was it called...

Ah! A Thousand Bums by Colin Diss.

A Thous... Oh, yeah!

Sorry, Margaret. I've been meaning to get that back to you.

Er, I saw it around here earlier somewhere. There it is.

Yeah, sorry about that, Margaret. Here you are.

Oh, not to worry.

Oh!

Oh!

Bye, Margaret.

Bye...Kevin.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah. Imagine being a man who hasn't sat down for 24 years.

Well, this next man doesn't need to, 'cause he hasn't.

This is Standing Up Salim. Hello, Standing Up Salim.

- How are you doing? - Have a seat!

What are you doing?!

- No! - What did you sit down for?

- But you said "take a seat". - That was a joke. I was joking!

- You caught me off guard! - Bloody hell!

There's a seat here!

Yeah, but...

I don't believe this! - Quick, stand up again!

No, it's too late now!

I know, you could stay sitting down and become known as

Sitting Down Salim.

- Aye, all right, aye. - Oh, brilliant!

So, ladies and gentlemen, here we have Standing Up...Sitting Down Salim.

So, Sitting Down Salim, how long have you been sitting down?

Over 15 seconds, but, er... Think I'm going to enjoy it!

Well, long may it continue. Thank you very much, Sitting Down Salim.

Cheers.

EXCLAIMS IN OWN LANGUAGE

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Margaret?

Monsieur Benedict Coupon.

Monsieur Coupon.

Your Gracious Majesty.

Paris is alive with talk of your fabulous new invention.

You will show me, please?

Your Majesty.

Perpetual motion has long been but a dream.

But now with my new creation...

Yes, yes, yes, and what is this?

That?

Oh, Monseigneur, it's just a bit that got torn off the corner.

Now, perpetual motion...

Genius.

Your Majesty?

Monsieur Coupon, correct me if I am mistaken, but you are proposing

the idea that this bit that got torn off the corner could be worth

upon presentation a saving of a small amount of the total

cost of say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets?

Are you not?

Er...

Sire, if I may explain...

God himself has spoken to you, Monsieur Coupon.

He has shown you the grace and the beauty of a system whereby

a bit that got torn off the corner may be exchanged in return

for the lessening of the payment due on a purchased item.

Such as...say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets.

And now, no doubt, my dear Monsieur Coupon,

you come here to Versailles to beg me

to allow you to name this new modern wonder the Louis XIV after me. Eh?

- Er... - Shhh...

They will not allow it, Monsieur Coupon.

No, no, this work of ingenuity shall bear your name.

And in ages to come, whenever people tear a bit off the corner,

which upon redemption represents

a modest reduction of the chargeable sum levied upon, say...

...a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets,

they shall be honouring its creator.

They will say, "Oh! Look, what have we here?

"It is a Coupon."

Like so. And, oh! Do my eyes deceive me?

No, they do not, it is a coupon.

Like so.

Your Majesty...

Oh, good news for our household carpets.

We have discovered a coupon.

Like so.

Oh! This is the only copy.

And what is this? Is it a tiny mouse?

No, it is a coupon. Oh!

Like so. What do you think this is before us?

It is a coupon, like so...

Oh...zis is my...only copy.

Oh, look at the size of this, ma cherie! It is a very large coupon.

VACUUM CLEANER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Have you ever wondered why you hardly see any... Hang on.

LOUD DUBSTEP MUSIC

Yeah, I...

Bob... Bob!

Bob!

Oh, sorry!

Thanks. Yeah, I've had a bit of an accident.

Just hoovering up my grandad's ashes.

Kevin? Kevin?

Have you seen my ashes? My collection of different ashes?

Oh, hello, Grandad.

Um, no, no, no, I haven't seen your collection of different ashes, no.

You're acting very suspiciously, Kevin. I'm not sure I believe you.

If I find out that you've...

Oooh, my! That's a fancy-dan modern contraption.

What is it? A compact disc?

A moon rocket?

Er, no, Grandad, it's a bagless vacuum cleaner.

Bagless?

Bagless, you say? A bagless vacuum cleaner?

Impossible! Dear, dear, dear. The very idea!

Bagless!

Ooh, that was close. He's right, though. How does it work?

Got the manual here.

Vortalex's bagless vacuum cleaner...

< Bagless!

...literally makes dust a thing of the past.

Ha, they literally have no idea what the word "literally" literally means!

So how DOES it work, then?

Poo-poo, Mr Jolif. More dust.

Mr Pettigrew, this drawing room is collar-deep in great smuts

and mantle fluff.

Where does it all come from?

We must look to science to determine its cause, Mr Jolif.

If I'm not very much mistaken,

these are particles of...

...the future!

Huh, guess we'll never know.

< Bagless! Heh-heh!

'Hello. And welcome to this week's edition of Cavalcade.

'Cavalcade was a children's programme which ran on the BBC between 1953 and 1956.

'Its presenters were Uncle Derek Worthington and Auntie Buntie Jones

'and they were firm favourites with young and old alike.

'Here we have a rare clip from their 1954 Christmas Eve

'show in which they're sharing some friendly banter with special studio guest,

'philosopher and mathematician Bertrand Russell.'

'Starting with premises,

'which are universally admitted to belong to logic.

'We find mathematically of course that there are merging parameters.

'And now of course, Mr Russell,

'that brings us on to deductive influence.'

'Yes. But of course it's always,

'it's always important to distinguish deductive validity

'and inductive validity, or cogency as it is sometimes referred to...'

Cavalcade, there. It was another age.

Kids these days would find the idea of formalising an axiomatic

system in order to prove its logical consistency laughably naive.

WHOOSHING APPROACHES

Tea-lady Flo here

was different from most tea-ladies in that she's a genuine tea-lady.

And by that, I mean she organically produces tea herself. Don't you, Flo?

Yeah.

So Flo, please could I have a delicious cup of your delicious tea-lady tea, please, Flo?

Yeah.

So, what Flo is doing now is she is expressing tea

from one of her tea-lady tea glands.

And now...

Voila! A lovely fresh cup of tea-lady tea.

Delicious.

- Chocolate biscuit? - No, thanks, Flo.

The door is unlocked. Please come in right

away. Please hurry up, I've not got all day.

Good morning to you. Hello and how do? Now, may I ask, what's the problem with you?

You're not my usual doctor.

He's absent, away, not at his station. He's gone off to Cornwall to have a vacation.

Yeah, what's all this rhyming? I hate rhyming.

Rhyming, I have to.

Would be no use if I failed to do rhymes when my name is Dr Seuss.

Dr Seu... I've got this rash on my leg.

Yes, I can see. There are red spots on your leg.

The reason must be that you've eaten blue eggs.

What on earth are you talking...? And stop rhyming!

Rhyming drives me mad!

The blue eggs you've eaten have turned your legs red.

I prescribe the black milk of the Dreklington Dread.

I'm warning you!

Dreklington Dread is a chicken with hair. It looks like a dog, but smells like a bear.

All right!

You've leapt from your chair and you're grasping my throat.

I feel quite light-headed, I'm starting to float.

Stop it!

Far from releasing, you've tightened your grip,

I feel that my life signs are beginning to slip.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

My eyes they are popping, my tongue is unfurled,

so this is the end. Goodbye, cruel world.

Oh, no, I've murdered a rhyming locum!

Now that's a punchline!

Thanks, Alison.

SHE SCREECHES LIKE A PTERODACTYL

So, yeah, as I was saying, last show in the series.

And sadly we've come to the bit where I've got to wrap it all up.

Bob here's going into hibernation. Turn round, Bob.

In case he wakes up and goes off wandering, you know.

In you get.

- Righto. - Oh, before you do, give me that.

Some might construe this as a fire hazard.

- Oh, yeah. - Health and safety!

Get yourself comfy.

There's some tins of lager and scotch eggs hidden in the hay,

in case you get a bit peckish or thirsty.

Oh, and I've got you a lovely lullaby to help you get to sleep.

So anyway, yeah. Thanks for watching.

And to take us out now, one of my favourite-ever folk groups,

so proud to have them.

The Threshers, and a beautiful ballad called Eventide.

FOLK MUSIC

When dusk is come and day is done

And all are homeward bound

HE MIXES DUBSTEP OVER FOLK MUSIC

Since then my heart soars high with them

? To seek your lovely face... ?

DUBSTEP DROWNS OUT FOLK MUSIC

? Its cold embrace. ?

MUSIC ENDS

Ah, night-night.

OPENS BEER

HE SNORES

And coming up next on BBC Two...

A-a-and... (NASALLY) ...coming up next on BBC Two...

And... (SMOOTHLY) ...coming up next on BBC Two...

And coming up NEXT on BBC Two...

("CLUB-STYLE") And coming up next on BBC Two...

(RASPING) And coming up next on BBC Two...

(INCREASINGLY SILLY VOICE) And coming up next on BBC Two...

(JABBERING) And coming up next on BBC Two...

(IN BESTIAL VOICE) And coming up next on BBC Two...

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