Original subtitles

(Door is unIocked)

PaoIo?

(Chirruping)

PaoIo?

PaoIo, are you here?

Oh PaoIo, of course I Iove you.

CONFESSIONS TO MARIKLA

HOW MUCH DOES LOVE INVOLVE YOU?

'Dear MarikIa,

'I'm writing to you because I need your advice.

'I'm 24 and have been married for five years.

'I've been toId that I'm pretty and that I'm nice to be around.

'I have a good job and a wonderfuI husband.

'I know I married a bit young, but it's worked out reaIIy weII.

'Lots of passion to start out with,

'and Iots of understanding to keep it together.

'Except that for a whiIe now I've been feeIing upset

'in a kind of strange way.

'It's hard to expIain.

'I want to Iive more... more fuIIy, more intenseIy.

'But my days are so uneventfuI, they're aImost hum-drum.

'I teII myseIf that it must be the season

'that's making me have these strange restIess cravings.

'But the fact is that they've become stronger and stronger IateIy.

'EspeciaIIy since that night my sister Nadia took us to a party

'in honour of a Venetian poetess.'

(Poetess) I'd Iike to fuck you and not touch you,

and, Ioose tongued, make a chant resound

among the uncertain hairs of your ass.

I'd Iike to stuff dancing cunts in your mouth.

I'd Iike to cover you with sticky breasts and perfumed sweat!

And down between your baIIs, suck your cock into my heartache.

I'd Iike, between Iusty cornhoIings and a sob, to Iick your knees.

And upwards, from your beIIy to your heart.

And to find some rest, I'd Iike not...

to be abIe to come anymore.

(Man) How exceptionaI! Neo-positivist influences...

Brava!

CongratuIations. Your book wiII be a smash.

I'm Nadia VaIentini. I run a body-fitness gym.

Come in and give it a try whenever you Iike.

Nadia VaIentini.

- I'd Iove to be abIe to write Iike you. - Ah.

♪ Sends a shiver through my spine

♪ I want you so badIy... ♪

ReaIIy? I've never seen a Iove-Iine so Iong. Or so hard.

♪ And I'm beginning to Iose myseIf

♪ Your touch just feeIs so reaI

♪ PIease don't waIk out of my dreams... ♪

- May I beg you for a dance? - Why, certainIy!

Everyone gate-crashes in Rome, no one needs an invitation.

I wasn't invited either.

I accompanied the poetess.

In Venice we are next-door neighbours.

Nowhere's Iike Venice, is it? I was born there.

Ah, oui? Do you know how it was described by a famous French poet?

"Venice - sexe femelle d'Europe."

Are you a saiIor, with those tattoos?

Oh, I traveI around, you know?

I pick up oId things.

I wish you'd go there and pick up those two oId biddies and throw them out!

- (Man) You Iike the boy? - WeII, he is my husband, after aII.

Come on, husbands don't count!

Maybe not for you, but mine counts a Iot for me.

I'd Iike to fuck you and not touch you...

...and, Ioose-tongued, make a chant resound...

...among the uncertain hairs of your ass.

I'II bet you're sopping wet.

Excuse me. My head is spinning.

Don't bother with museums, you fooIs, art is among us, we are art.

I give you two perfect exampIes of the baroque.

Their prominent masses flatten out as they come down.

Borromini brought to Iife!

Turn them around and you have two prominent asses

in pure rococo styIe, gorgeous!

- But... - Shh. Do not be afraid.

I'm not afraid. But I don't know what your name is.

Oh, très juste. Alphonse Donatien.

Pirate d'amour.

(Moans)

I was so right about you. You're at high tide.

Man, that's not fair!

I'm doing everything I promised to do.

(PaoIo) Diana, are you in there?

Yes, PaoIo. Just a minute.

(Laughs)

I hadn't seen you for a whiIe. Anything wrong?

Of course not, I just had to pee. Do you want to Ieave, darIing?

Yeah, I'm bored siIIy. This party's the shits.

Whatever you Iike. I'II get my things.

PaoIo!

You're dripping.

And it's not pee. What gives, you hot so soon?

WeII, if you touch me there, of course I get wet.

You know how sensitive I am.

Do it some more.

Was it that guy or me who brought it out in you?

- What guy? - Your partner. The dancer.

Oh. He's French. He has a home in Venice, he said.

He came on Iike some kind of cycIone.

PaoIo, you're driving me crazy.

A IittIe mature, wasn't he?

- Mature isn't the word. - You shouId've caIIed me, my dear.

You just seem to assume that I fought it.

- I even found him in the bathroom there. - That fiIth?

You just didn't reaIise it, right there, standing behind the door.

Ah, you're kidding. It's just another one of your siIIy stories.

- He had me naked in no time. - Quit that!

He wanted to give it to me in the ass, if you hadn't shown up right then.

You're inventing everything. I know it! I'm no idiot!

He thought my ass was beautifuI.

How was... how was his thing?

Did he make you feeI it? Was it as hard as this?

(Tyres screech)

You Iike my ass, don't you, PaoIo?

How many times do I have to teII you? It's the most gorge...

You can't give an opinion unIess you Iook at it first.

- TeII me I have a beautifuI ass. - It's beautifuI.

(Car horn)

Oh, God!

- Let's go home, come on. - No!

- Let's do it here! - Huh?

Hurry up!

Huh, amateurs!

TeII me you made it aII up. Oh, teII me!

Be quiet!

- And they caII us whores! - You got it.

(Church beIIs ringing)

Bonjour!

OK now, Iazy-bone, rise and shine!

I'II teach you some good manners!

No, you're hurting me! Stop it!

Hey, what gives?

(Laughs) Lay off, wiII you?

You're being raped, Mister. How do you Iike it?

(Beeping)

Put it on hoId! CarnaI vioIence is put off untiI this evening!

No!

Hey, Iet go! Let go of the merchandise!

(Screams)

If my mother couId see the chaos you make me Iive in!

I think it's nice.

And besides, wicked witches don't have to Iike it.

I beg your pardon! You're not to speak about my mother Iike that.

OK, Mr GrumbIy, OK.

(♪ ItaIian jazz pIaying)

It's just the Water Music of Mozart!

Come sing.

You can HandeI that!

(♪ Sings aIong)

That's compIete amoraIity!

You pig!

(Laughs)

(Man #1) That son of a bitch dribbIed right up the middIe!

(Man #2) You kidding? That shithead's nowhere.

He couIdn't find the hoIe in that hoop if they stuffed his face inside it!

(Man #1) Got great hands.

(Man #2) You know what HaI TayIor wouId do?

(Man #1) That so-caIIed turkey is a great cIutch pIayer!

(Man #2) Is that what you caII a centre?

(Man #1) He's the greatest centre in the Ieague right now.

(Man #2) I'm out of patience with asshoIes Iike you

who wouIdn't know a point guard from a pivot!

- You need a crooked umpire to win! - You ever seen a basketbaII game?

(Man #2) Let go of me, goddammit?

(Man #1) Let go of what? Jesus Christ, a fag!

I've been standing here taIking to a fag aII this time!

(Man #2) You grabbed my cock!

Now I know why you Iike that TayIor kid so much.

(Man #2) You're Iucky this is my stop!

(Man #1) Or what, you wouId've kissed me?

(BeII rings)

Miss, take my seat. PIease do!

Thanks, no, my stop is coming up.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey, Iisten. You gotta get a coupIe of things cIear.

Get the mud out of your upstairs. I can see it's hard on you.

That IittIe thing might just ruin your vocation.

- Miss... - Take my advice, kid. Go confess aII.

How... about a phone caII?

- Do you have my number? - No.

You're outta Iuck, boy.

So Iong!

Hi, LeIIo.

You're crying, what's the matter?

He's Ieft me. He's gone back to his wife.

The battIe-axe has the vapours, and he feeIs guiIty, says it's our fauIt.

- Is that true? - I shouId know? Perhaps it is.

OnIy with a miIIion guys to pick on, why pick on my guy?

Now, LeIIo, just get your best drag on tonight and go cruising,

you'II find one ten thousand times better!

- You reaIIy think so? - Guaranteed.

Hey, your diet, Antonietta!

Like the Iady said, everything I Iike is either iIIegaI, immoraI, or fattening!

ReaIIy!

Look, I have a terrific surprise for you!

It gave me some ideas for a reaIIy memorabIe night with Pierre.

- Is there a new way, huh? - The Atom Bomb, just try it!

You're just dying to take it home with you, LeIIo!

I bought six Iike it yesterday, onIy a much better quaIity.

Then you shouId invite us aII up to have a Iook at them, Ieast you can do.

(♪ ItaIian opera pIays)

HeIIo, kids, hard at work? That's fine.

(AII) Hi, Mr SiIvio.

(Mr SiIvio) Oh, Antonietta, some new items have come in.

WouId you mind very much modeIIing a few in the South Wing?

Oh, that's reaIIy very nice of you.

- I'II be right there. - (Mr SiIvio) Come aIong, my dear.

(Antonietta) Oh!

(LeIIo) Some girIs have aII the Iuck, huh!

Er... the rest of you can take a break.

Come here.

Lean back.

Ah, yes.

Let me see the one on the right today.

Let me see aII of you.

Spread your Iegs.

Now bend this Ieg a IittIe.

And turn around now.

That's it.

PuII your panties up tight between the cheeks.

Oh... just my size!

This morning I woke up with a third Ieg Iike a teIephone poIe,

and I thought of you right away!

(Antonietta) I'm reaIIy flattered.

(SqueaIs)

(Shop doorbeII rings)

- Good morning, aII. HeIIo, Diana. - HeIIo, Mrs Tommasini.

You seem to be dressed in mourning, though.

I am, unfortunateIy. I Iost my IittIe Danny.

Oh, I'm terribIy sorry. Somebody very cIose?

Oh, yes, intimate.

We'd been together for ages. He was a wonderfuI Iabrador.

Ah... I imagine.

And how's your husband, the Senator?

In France eating foiegras and fighting hunger in the worId.

Have you prepared those articIes as I asked you?

Of course.

I can't wait to fiII up my drawers.

Let's try these.

But they're the same ones you chose Iast Thursday.

I'm no idiot, I stick with what works weII.

They wound up ripped into shreds.

That engineer has tastes of his own.

An engineer? Your newest conquest, huh?

No, but one of the most generous. Cartier!

Gosh. CongratuIations.

Oh weII, at Ieast I'm never bored in the afternoons.

I've found a IittIe group of friends.

I was introduced by AIicia. She's a cIient of yours.

AIicia? Oh, I know, Mrs Dow.

Right, the one they caII Mrs Sow.

Doctors, Iawyers, undersecretaries. You make great money.

If you're interested, I'II taIk to her about you.

Oh, gee, thanks a Iot, but I... I just don't think I couId reaIIy, I mean...

Trafficking poontang?

Come on, honey, this isn't what you think it is.

I'm not reaIIy a pro. FiIIs in spare time! And pIenty of Iadies do it.

Anyway, reaI whores never come. I do, Iike an avaIanche!

Oh, men have great imagination.

I Iearn something nice and quirky on aImost every date!

You mean that wouIdn't interest you?

My husband has imagination enough.

Oh, mine doesn't! How inventive can an envoy to the European ParIiament be?

Oh, but it's so romantic to meet someone unknown,

in some hoteI room, in an apartment.

Your heart goes Iike mad.

It's an adventure of the unknown, it's marveIIous!

And then the thriII of feeIing yourseIf up for saIe!

Oh, the shame, the sin... I'd give it a whirI, if I were you.

I must say I reaIIy think I ought to pass on...

I know a ChiIean bishop who'd simpIy adore you.

- Priests have never been my ideaI. - They're the best customers, beIieve me!

- AII right, I'II take a gross. - OK, great!

Mrs Tommasini is reaIIy very nice.

She's a big success in what she does,

which is actuaIIy something Iike what I do, if you want to know the truth.

In there getting porked, yes.

My precious favours in return for a raise in pay.

My husband isn't sorry, and neither am I.

Do you mean that?

WeII, he doesn't know aII the detaiIs, of course.

No guiIt about it, for Pierre?

PIease, I'm not in Iove with this oId geezer.

But you're stiII betraying your husband, aren't you?

I don't see how you got that in your mind.

Come on, don't pIay so dumb!

It's not easy to define.

With Pierre it's speciaI - there's tenderness, and more.

With the others, a poke is a picnic!

See you soon, Diana.

ShouId you change your mind, caII me on the teIephone.

OK, I'II keep it in mind, thanks.

I don't know how you can bring yourseIf to do those things with the boss.

Just for openers, he's ugIy as sin.

I'm not gonna cry over that. There's my handsome Mister Pierre.

And there's something speciaI with the ugIies.

They're so much more generous than the pretties.

Fact is, they need to have us girIs pardon their homeIiness, aII the time.

- I guess. - Some peopIe caII it wicked.

It's big fun, though.

When I make it with the boss, I feeI Iike I'm screwing my own dad.

So... big deaI!

A IittIe incest. Happy banging I say!

- What if you get knocked up? - Oh, come on, there's no danger.

It's simpIe, use the most naturaI of methods.

Just take it here!

Diana! My God. Are you aII right?

(Moans) I'm aII right. It's OK.

Diana? WouId you mind coming to the workroom?

- There's someone here to see you. - Oh, yes, yes. Thank you.

I'II be right there.

(♪ ItaIian opera pIays)

Nadia, what are you doing here?

DeIicateIy, Nadia!

- Aunt Emma just kicked the bucket. - BIessed Mary, she didn't?

It's a good thing I toId her to use a IittIe tact.

I can't Ieave the gym right now. You'II have to go to the funeraI.

And you were aIways her pet, and we aII know it.

But I don't know. I'm afraid I...

- Myjob, PaoIo... - No probIem, Diana.

None whatever.

You go to Venice tomorrow for that funeraI, and don't worry about us.

And don't worry about PaoIo.

You're going to be away.

And whiIe you are, I'II take care of him.

I promise you.

I'm sorry, darIing, I wish I couId go with you,

but this is a bad time, I'm up to my neck in work.

Don't worry. I'm a big girI. I can handIe it on my own.

I'm worried about your fideIity. You know how sexy funeraIs are.

- PaoIo, that's crazy! - It's an estabIished historicaI fact.

A funeraI atmosphere creates, on its own,

a contrasting, compensating desire to screw.

It says so in an articIe on aduItery I've been reading.

Do you know that statistics show

that over 60% of ItaIian wives cheat on their husbands?

- Hey, what the heII's this? - Antonietta gave it to me.

What kind of a crowd do you run around with?

PeopIe who aren't ashamed of what they do.

Not up-tight oId frumps Iike you. Let's take a Iook at it.

If you insist.

(TV) 'Come in, pIease. Is the gentIeman with you?'

'He's my husband.

- 'Wait here, wiII you, darIing?' - 'Of course, dear.'

Oh, that's nice, oh yes.

- Mm... Iike that. - (TV) 'Get undressed, pIease.'

Further down, to the right.

(TV) 'Panties too, pIease.'

You're off target, Jack.

(TV) 'Sit down here.

'Open wide.'

WeII, what do you think?

When you go to the gynaecoIogist, I mean does he, er...?

(Laughs) That man? But he's at Ieast 90!

Supposing he was a young and handsome guy?

WeII, it depends. I couIdn't say.

(TV) - 'Doctor, what are you doing?' - 'Just doing myjob, ma'am.

'Now reIax and Iet me concentrate.'

WouId it upset you a Iot if I did?

I'd be furious as heII, dammit!

And you'd have no other type of reaction?

I... I'd be excited!

You know, that even goes on at the store, aII the time.

It's our boss, what a horny man!

He paws me every singIe minute, honest!

Oh yeah? Where does he paw you?

AII over - my tits, my ass...

He was even grabbing a feeI whiIe he was saying his condoIences.

What a swine! How about you, how did you react?

You just stood there, I bet! Come on, teII me.

I got carried away.

I wound up being dragged into the back room.

Yeah? Then what did he do to you? TeII me!

He threw me down on the tabIe.

He opened my Iegs, and he touched me right on the button.

- You mean here, don't you? - Yeah.

- Like that? - Yes, Iike that.

Then what?

Then he turned me around and made me bend forward.

(TV) 'Oh, fuck! What a cock!

'Give it to me! AII of it!

- 'Rip my ass apart!' - Higher up, darIing, higher up!

PIease!

I can't take it! It's your fauIt, you IittIe sow!

That imagination of yours excites me too much!

You couId both do a Iady a favour today.

Sure, it'd be a pIeasure.

I'm very wiIIing to pay. ShaII we say a miIIion Iire?

But to do what, though?

I want you to heIp me.

It's so crueI.

My ass is stiII a virgin. WouId you...?

Money to do it? Nah...

I know it's incurabIy romantic, but this guy says "no go".

I'm in mourning. WouId you pIease not act so uncouth?

(Man cIears throat)

(Woman) Subject to an absoIuteIy binding cIause by whose terms he wiII be enjoined

from putting up new buiIdings or additionaI floors to the existing ones,

I bequeath to Marco VaIentini,

son of my brother Luigi VaIentini and therefore my Iegitimate nephew,

the property of ViIIa di Mira...

She was aIways so seIfish!

...of which he has cIear and free titIe IegaIIy.

Is she kidding, that oId ruin?

It'II onIy take 60 times what it's worth to fix it up!

Item!

I bequeath to Diana Bruni,

daughter of the Iate Giovanna VaIentini and therefore my Iegitimate niece

my property consisting of the top floor of the buiIding...

- Oh! - ...at 1477 Giudecca, OId Town.

In its present condition and with everything inside it

such as is to be found at the moment of my decease.

You have aII the Iuck. It's just what I wanted to get my cIaws on.

It was going to be my pied-a-terre in Venice!

CIause three.

I do hereby take aII my other properties

and aII my gifts and incomes accruing thereto,

as weII as my cash account and bonds in branch number six of the Bank of Venice

and Ieave them to the convent of the CarmeIite Nuns in Vittorio Veneto,

- whom I supported ferventIy aII my Iife. - God bIess her.

Your signatures.

You Iook great.

- The air in Rome! - Thanks.

I'm going to take a Iook at the penthouse. Do you want to see it?

That's impossibIe, Marco. We have guests tonight.

Don't worry about a thing, Nora. You go on back to Padova.

I'II go aIong with Diana and I'II be home in time for dinner.

Once again, pIease.

Father, you sign down at the bottom of the page.

The Iast shaII be the first.

- I'm gIad you came aIong with me. - Strange Iady, Aunt Emma.

She Iiked us a Iot, you and me.

ActuaIIy, of aII the reIatives, I'm the one that spent the Ieast time with her.

- But you knew about her? - WeII, sure.

At Ieast the things the famiIy said.

Discreet, organised, inteIIigent... above aII, skiIfuI.

SkiIfuI? In what sense?

SkiIfuI in bed, two or three Iovers at a time, maybe four.

The right men though, staIwart citizens, fuII of cash and possibiIities.

They heIped her make her money grow.

As it turned out, she Iearned her Iessons very weII.

For herseIf and for us, as we heard in her wiII.

How about UncIe Harry?

A mystery! Did he know about her infideIities or didn't he?

Did he Iike it, or was it kiIIing him?

WeII, I stiII think he was reaIIy never interested in women.

But one thing's for sure, Emma was aIways gaga over him.

And if he were aIive today, we wouIdn't have inherited a thing.

What?

Don't worry, nobody's gonna take your penthouse away from you, Diana.

It's yours, and you can do whatever you want with it.

Who knows? I couId run into you in Venice from time to time.

CertainIy you wiII.

- How's it going with you and Nora? - How about with you and PaoIo?

Stupendous!

- Does he know about us? - Know what, Marco?

That I had you before him,

that in bed you and I did everything you can do.

You think so?

My dear, I have some bad news for you!

Come on, move it, Marco.

I feeI Iike going up to the tip of the Dogana.

- Do you remember? - How couId I forget?

You're a habit, you. I need more and more.

(Diana) I used caII you the Erector Set.

(Marco) You used to say my Erector Set.

There's stiII the same stink of pee here as aIways.

I bet with aII the tourists, even the Iadies take a Ieak.

(Marco) Spread your Iegs. I can't make any headway Iike that.

(Diana) You just don't have the technique you once did.

No, you've just forgotten how to do it standing up.

I was sure.

Yes, her comments were quite uncaIIed-for.

She's Iearned nothing after aII these years.

Hey, what is this? You're not going to Ieave me high and dry, are you?

Let's go to my house. We can do it in styIe and comfort there.

You mean Aunt Emma's penthouse.

That house is mine!

Oh, I've decided I'm not going back. I'II stay tiII tomorrow.

I want to spend the first night in my house.

Yeah, but I've got to get back home.

We have these guests coming for dinner.

Ah, as far as that goes, I toId PaoIo that I'd return tonight.

No, Diana. I simpIy can't do it. I can't.

No sweat, we'II make it for some other time.

I'm going to make good use of my house in Venice, yeah!

(Ferry boat horn)

Marco, that's the ferry boat for the station.

If you run you can make it!

Listen, Diana. Do you swear you'II Iet me see the new house?

Sure!

I swear it.

But you got to hurry. Hurry!

So Iong!

My God!

Who wouId have expected this?

You were a truII, Aunt Em!

(Gasps)

(Laughs)

WeII, it's sure to have cost you a Iot of bIowjobs, this penthouse!

DarIing Aunt Emma, you're just sensationaI!

I Iove you more with every snapshot!

I did promise PaoIo I'd caII. Wonder if the phone works?

Donatien, AIphonse.

'Allô, oui?'

Morning, couId I pIease speak with AIphonse Donatien?

'C'est moi.'

Ah, you might not recaII,

Diana Bruni, you and I met at someone's house in Rome

at the party to meet the poetess?

'Ah, oui, the IoveIy Iady I struck up a conversation with.

'Where are you caIIing from?'

Oh, Venice, I was Ieft a smaII apartment that I'd Iike redecorated.

'And that is why you thought of me?'

PartIy, after aII, you said...

'I'm deIighted that you did! Let's taIk about it, come on over.'

Come on over? Where?

'To my pIace, right now. PaIazzo Lorenzoni. It's easy to find.

'Just two steps for the Embarcadero Ca' Rezzonico.'

I know Venice, I know where it is.

- 'Then hurry, pIease!' - I'II be seeing you.

Oh, it's coId!

WeIcome!

- Bright star. - HeIIo.

Er... haven't we aIready met somewhere?

FIesh Iies Ianguid.

The mouth has its own empiricist.

Turgid, behind, it rejoices in the Iacerated flesh.

This is more than strange. It's preposterous.

Go on in. AIphonse is waiting for you.

STREET OF THE FUCKABLES

Bonsoir!

You found the pIace with very IittIe effort, huh?

Sure.

You were with that poetess?

Oh, oui.

Just work.

At this hour of the night?

And you, didn't you come here for that?

Ever since that night, it's been Iike this.

The house of marveIs?

Wait tiII we go upstairs, then you'II see.

- To paradise? - Inferno. My inferno.

Uh-oh...

Anytime...

- Show me how to get there. - No, you go first.

I want to admire your ass, ton cul.

Is this aII right? Or do you want to see more?

Come on! Come get me!

(Laughs)

My word!

It must have taken you quite some time to coIIect aII of these.

Oh, I started earIy, with that one!

It's my ex-wife.

It's a very expressive face, I find.

Ah, oui.

From her I Iearned that the physiognomy of a person is aII in the nates! lci!

This is a portrait gaIIery.

You can distinguish the timid ass, the brave one, the stupid one,

the cIever, the inteIIigent, Iazy, happy, sad, carefree.

Everyone is the ass that he has.

Oh.

So what am I?

Voyons...

Headstrong, wiIfuI and disobedient.

But stiII a IittIe uptight, cIosed, introverted.

Am I hopeIess, Doc?

Not if you can pIay by the ruIes.

Let's hear the ruIes.

You must foIIow orders and do for me everything I want.

If you cry out, I stop.

Everything, at your command?

Right.

- Down on aII fours, over there. - Why?

Oh, it's because the game has aIready started, and you know it!

FeeI him!

No... oh, how strong and proud!

- It's gonna hurt me, isn't it? - Cry out and I'II stop!

It's up to you.

I'm so scared!

Do what I teII you...

and it wiII aII be naturaI.

Breathe deep!

As if you were in chiId birth, in Iabour.

Breathe with me!

Good.

Come on!

(Diana screams)

- Was that a scream, Diana? - No. I broke through the canvas, though.

Oh, don't worry. C'estpas grave. I'II have it restored.

L'enculeur... du monde!

(Antonietta) 'Happy banging I say!'

(Laughs)

A FRIAR ONCE TOLD ME

ONE OF HIS BIGGEST PLEASURES WAS TO MAKE A WOMAN BELIEVE

THAT HER ASS WAS NOT MADE FOR SHITTING

NO, HER ASS WAS SO DIVINE AND PRECIOUS

AND COULD MAKE MEN HAPPY AND THUS AVOID ADULTERY

(PaoIo) IncredibIe.

That fur piece was stiII hanging up in the cIoset.

I found some snapshots, too.

(PaoIo) Dear oId Aunt Emma. Who wouId ever have guessed?

(Diana) The apartment is stiII just the way you see it there.

Nothing's changed at aII.

It's mind-boggIing, you know?

You shouId see the view out the window, the whoIe skyIine of Venice.

For a young coupIe in Iove that pIace is Paradise.

- Yeah, we put it up for rent. - What?

I was going to keep it for the two of us.

We're a young coupIe in Iove.

- Aren't we, darIing? - Uh-huh.

That's something new - you've shaved.

I've just indented the margins a IittIe.

I have to be a demure and virtuous Iady. After aII, I'm an heiress.

That'II be the day, oh yeah!

What an insuIt!

Auntie Emma got you excited, huh?

- I guess I shouId be jeaIous. - I'm the one who ought to be jeaIous!

TeII me the truth, your cousin came over to see the apartment, didn't he?

Of course he came over.

Marco wouIdn't Iet a chance Iike that go by.

Did he make a pass at you?

WeII, he began to taIk about when the two of us used to go out together.

TeII me.

We'd go up to the tip of the Dogana,

and he'd touch my IittIe flower under my skirt,

- and I'd put my hand on him. - Show me how you did it.

CarefuI there, that meat's deIicate!

He'd grab my head and get it right down,

cos he wanted me to take it in the mouth.

What did you do?

WeII, I put up a struggIe, of course,

but aIways a very brief one.

And did you do it again yesterday, in your apartment on the Giudecca?

Mm-hmm.

Great fantasies you've got.

- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.

I know you and Marco didn't do a thing, right?

One for you.

I decided to take advantage of good oId AIphonse instead.

Another gent? Who is he?

That French guy at the party who I danced with.

I bet you inaugurated the apartment Iike that, huh?

No, at his pIace.

BeautifuI decor.

OK, give me the detaiIs. Come on, come on.

He was crazy for my ass.

He had to have it, no matter what.

I couIdn't have avoided it even if I'd wanted to.

He spread my ass and started Iicking my crack, down and up.

But it isn't so painfuI.

I couId be persuaded.

- And did you...? - Did I? Like an express train!

What's the matter? Why do you want me to stop?

- Who gave that hickey to you? - Huh?

- That hickey on your neck! - I don't know what you mean.

I thought you were making up one of your stories, but you reaIIy did it!

No, pIease, Iet me expIain. Listen to me!

No, it isn't a fantasy this time. He fucked you!

That bastard prick fucked you!

No, PaoIo, I swear it. He didn't fuck me at aII!

I took it up the ass.

(Door sIams)

PIease, darIing, don't pout.

- Better to taIk it over, huh? - Get away from me!

We've aIways had a good Iaugh over my IittIe affairs.

You toId me they made you horny. You Iiked that just sweII.

Because they weren't true!

There's no difference, it doesn't matter in the Ieast.

I'm reaIIy onIy yours.

Is it so naughty if I make it with somebody eIse?

I mean it's aII... happy banging, right?

No, no, count me out! I don't want any part of your happy banging!

I guess it seems Iike the end of the worId to you right now,

but you'II see, tomorrow...

Don't get near me.

We're history, the past.

There never wiII be a tomorrow for us.

I'm not going to share my marriage bed with someone Iike you, you sIut!

I shouIdn't be surprised after aII.

BIood wiII teII, but yours shouId be spiIIed!

Hey, you Iook aII queer.

- Thanks to PaoIo. Big fight. - Beyond repair?

WeII, he wants a separation.

No kidding! Another woman?

No, something other than that. A man.

- PaoIo? - No, me!

It was a guy in Venice.

Oh, reaIIy! You know, you had me scared.

Turns are up! Let me get these broads outta here.

Head for the showers!

OK, I want to hear aII the detaiIs.

- Woo! - Don't do that.

Why in God's name did you teII him? That's just asking for it.

WeII, we were onIyjoking around.

It was just what they caII a zipIess fuck anyway.

Are you simpIy a sIut orjust dumb?

AII men are reaIIy stupid pigs, oiIy and nasty.

The ruIe is to deny.

Deny everything in the face of the evidence.

Oh, they aII preach equaIity of the sexes, you can bet on it.

But no one practises it. They're worms, aII of them.

I don't want it to end up Iike this.

I was aIone in bed Iast night and couIdn't sIeep a wink.

The best thing is to get a fresh maIe bod in there.

Who does PaoIo think he is?

It's reaIIy simpIe.

No woman can be satisfied through the 360-degree circIe.

Not by one man - each man has his own different taste.

And a girI needs to taste a Iot.

You prattIe and bIather,

but the truth is, you got kicked out by your husband, Nadia.

What's that? PIease, kid,

there's a bIack and bIue ass in this story aII right, but it's his.

No, no, no, come on, that's farcicaI.

Listen, I'II waIk humbIe, onIy I must get him back, that's aII.

- And you're gonna heIp me. - Just how, my dear?

Have a chat with him. Show him he's wrong.

- Make him Iisten to reason. - BriIIiant of you!

He has to reaIise that the others just don't count.

And if he won't Iisten to me?

No, he trusts you. He thinks a Iot of you.

PIease, Nadia.

Do I have carte bIanche?

Just how do you... how do you mean?

Look, it's white!

Oh my God, I'm getting a grizzIed cooze!

Anyway, you get carte bIanche.

OK, then I think I'II just pop on over at Iunch break.

Thanks, Nadia. I knew I'd be abIe to count on you.

Mind if I have a shower as Iong as I'm here?

I was in such a big rush getting out this morning, I didn't even take a bidet.

That shouId never happen.

If you must, put off washing your face, chum.

But before Ieaving, aIways take a bidet.

You never know what might be coming up.

(Intercom buzzes)

Yeah? Ah, it's you.

Yeah, yeah, sure, of course.

(DoorbeII rings)

Hi. I'm gIad you came. I couId reaIIy use your advice.

Hmm... That's true.

- Turd! - I don't... Why?

There's a terrific girI you're treating Iike scum.

- You don't know what she did to me! - I certainIy do.

I just don't see where it's such a tragedy.

WeII, how shouId I have handIed it? Give her a medaI?

There was no need to do anything.

Look. You've got the most wonderfuI girI in the worId.

She's cIassy, she's great. Worships you.

So why do you stifle her joie de vivre ?

Because wives are supposed to make Iove with their husbands, nobody eIse.

You dumb-ass moron!

We're taIking about a IittIe affair of no importance.

You can't say that marriage encompasses the universe,

or that you represent men of aII types.

We're not back in the time of your mother and your father, take a Iook!

- WouId you Iike Diana to be Iike her? - No, of course not.

And anyway I'm the beaten-down one around here.

What can I do about it? I'm jeaIous!

Ah, the facts come out in the Iight.

The reaI troubIe is you're jeaIous. It's absurd and useIess.

There's no kind of sense to it.

PaoIo, I couId understand your misery, if she were tired of you.

But no siree. She just wants minimaI Iiberty, sex-wise.

Just the thing you've aIways had, you bum.

That's what's so horribIe! The thought that she Iaughs with someone eIse.

That she uses the same IittIe Iove words as she does with me!

Who's to know? She might even come!

No, no, it's more than I can stand, Nadia.

It's kiIIing me.

I'm beginning to feeI there's a time-bomb inside of me.

A few minutes ago I was asIeep and dreaming that I was with Diana.

It was a nightmare. I teII you, I'm going... I'm going nuts.

I'm with you, PaoIo. I'II prove it, if you Iike.

I'm very moved. ReaIIy, PaoIo.

Here. Touch me.

Can't you teII how I feeI for you?

If you onIy knew how many times I wanted to feeI your hands on me.

Lie down.

Oh, goody. I'm gIad to see I don't turn you off.

Don't worry. ReaIIy, I mean it.

Nobody's gonna see anyjeaIous scenes.

Diana doesn't mind at aII. She gave me carte bIanche.

Diana? No, no, no, quit it!

- I don't want you. I want Diana! - BuIIshit!

Your cock is caIIing you a Iiar!

Poor Diana thought her guy was different.

No way! You're aII aIike.

Prey to your oId-fashioned, stupid ideas.

Honour, virtuousness, betrayaI.

And a girI who's Iiberated is just a sIut, right?

Try to understand, Nadia. I can't, I won't.

And if I did, it wouId be Iike admitting Diana was right.

She is, you imbeciIe! She's very right.

Fighting it is no use. You siIIy bastard!

I guess the troubIe is you're a... faggot, honey!

Your panties.

I've met asshoIes before, but men take the cake!

Here's heII to husbands in generaI, and ours in particuIar!

Hey, chin up, IittIe sister. We're out to enjoy Iife tonight.

Shorten up that Iong face!

My, wouId you Iook at him. Sex on the hoof!

Not bad. Let's take pot Iuck.

- Hey, stud, come here a minute! - Who, me?

I wonder if you couId give me some information.

Sure, what?

How are you hung?

What the fuck! Come back here, you cunt!

Just don't Iet me catch you!

Hi, girIs!

HoIy mother of God!

- What a piece of ass! - Can't you teII that's a transvestite?

Hey, sweetheart, are you carrying a dong or not?

- You're goddam right. - DispIay, pIease!

You got it, but what do you do with it? It's mighty fine.

I can stick it in your ass, if you Iike.

Or I might stick this thing in yours.

CooI with me, 20 biIIs.

- Fuck you. - No, asshoIe, fuck you!

I said it first, you ugIy, pimping, buII-dyke bitch!

You fucking bitches, I'II get you!

When we feeI Iike Iiving it up, where do we go?

I know a disco, yeah!

We can do better than that, Mother Superior.

We'II go to a pIace where anything can happen.

- Even the worst? - If you get Iucky.

(♪ SISSY PENIS FACTORY: "Everybody Fuck Now")

♪ Everybody fuck now

♪ Come on, Iet's fuck

♪ Baby

♪ Let my pussy take controI

♪ Let myjuices move you

♪ Fuck

♪ Let my pussy take controI

♪ Let myjuices move you

♪ Everybody

♪ Everybody, everybody

♪ AII you bitches

♪ AII you brothers

♪ Everybody, everybody, everybody suck some cock up

♪ Fuck aII through the night

♪ Everybody fuck now

♪ Everybody

♪ Come on, Iet's fuck

♪ Baby

♪ Let my pussy take controI

♪ Let the juices move you

♪ Let my pussy take controI

♪ Let myjuices move you... ♪

Hey, just a minute. I don't...

Hey, girIs!

I'd Iike something strong. What do you have?

Try a 'DeIirium'. It'II make a corpse dance.

That's right up my aIIey.

- What's in it? - Ecstasy.

(Echoing Iaughter)

Excuse me, couId you give me some information?

What size are you carrying?

You shouIdn't have to ask. The two of you aIready met each other!

The seminarian! I had a white coIIar on, in the streetcar.

Gosh, yeah.

OnIy why are you here?

I'm doing my research.

How can I do a thesis about sin, and not know what it is?

Viens avec moi!

Oh God, I'm gonna scream! Shriek, beIIow!

Ah, I never met a tongue with a hard-on, you're great!

(♪ EIectronic dance music puIsates)

(Moans)

- Is something the matter? - No.

Nothing at aII.

How's it going?

I'm minus underpants!

Give me one of those drinks!

(TeIephone rings)

HeIIo? Ah, yeah. What's the news?

No! Shit, no! Back off!

I don't give a fuck about any guarantee.

Just get me the fucking money quick, or it's your ass!

- (PaoIo) 'HeIIo? Who is it?' - It's Diana.

- 'You at a party?' - Oh, yeah. It's great fun, fantastic!

'Diana, it's 4:00am and you're pissed. Come back home.'

- 'Who's there with you?' - A wiId boy. Oh, wow!

A bunch of fabuIous men.

It's PaoIo, guys! Say hi!

(AII) Hi, PaoIo!

How's it sound, dear?

'Stop it!

'I forbid you! I'm your husband!'

Nah, you know who you are? You're a dumb, stupid asshoIe!

And this girI's Iiberated. I mean, I can screw the whoIe pIanet!

And not onIy that, I might not ever come home.

'Come back or not, who gives a shit, you won't find me anyway.

'I'm getting my ass outta here. I've had it.

'I'II move in with my parents today.

'You understand what I'm saying? I'm Ieaving!'

Fine, fine, fine!

I can't beIieve I ever sucked your cock, you shitface!

So, hurry on to IittIe mama, and... and screw her!

Hey, you need some heIp?

- Have you had it with the party? - Yeah, he's gonna give me a Iift.

It's aImost dawn, and besides, I'm worried.

PaoIo's threatening to move out.

Ah, come on, never! He's too in Iove, that boy.

- I'm Ieaving. - Fine, great.

I'II stay a IittIe more.

I've found a hero of the Resistance!

(PaoIo) 'Think of what you're doing, Diana. Think of us.

'I Iove you, PaoIo.

'PS But do you Iove me?'

'Dear MarikIa, not onIy do I Iove him,

'but in my own way I feeI that I'm a faithfuI wife.

'Going with other men doesn't mean I'm betraying him.

'Those are just casuaI flings of no importance at aII.

'They're great for a quick thriII,

'but they have nothing at aII to do with that mixture of body and souI,

'that makes my reIationship with PaoIo beautifuI and unique.

'That's why I have no guiIt feeIings, no contrition, no remorse.

'That's why I don't want the Iove we share to finish Iike this.

'But how do I go about making him understand that? Diana.'

COLUMN: CONFESS ALL TO MARIKLA

'FeeIings - MiIan.'

Hey, Sara! Come here!

(Indistinct chatter)

Want some? I just caught them.

No. I hate them.

FeeI bad, huh?

Just think, you couId be between Diana's Iegs right now,

instead of sitting here eating your heart out.

What are you getting out of it?

Nothing!

BuIIshit! You got a hard-on.

He's a goddamn traitor!

No, no way. I'II teII you. TroubIe is, he's smarter than you.

He's got his priorities straight, he knows she gives you everything with Iove.

He feeIs that you're acting Iike a bit of an asshoIe.

Yes, because actuaIIy, you shouId approve of her.

Yeah, you know what that means? That he's a prick!

Thank God!

Anyway what good is it to destroy yourseIf with jeaIousy?

DeveIop a sense of irony and have a Iaugh about it.

With Diana.

- Hey there! - Dig up any cIams yet?

Hey, I think we shouId be going. They must be Iooking for us.

- Come on, this way. - Hey, wait for me.

- Come on, dinner's ready. - Wait! I'm coming!

(TeIephone rings)

Yes? Who's there?

HeIIo? PIease fuck yourseIf in the ear.

- Who was that? - Oh, one of my anonymous admirers.

That's the second time today they've hung up.

He'II come back, don't worry. Husbands aIways do, more's the pity!

(TeIephone rings)

HeIIo? PaoIo?

WeII, somebody's breathing.

PaoIo? Is that you?

Can't you say some IittIe thing?

You're stiII hoping! What does he have, this guy, that's so speciaI?

WeII, I Iove him, there's something speciaI.

But he won't try to understand me.

It's his fauIt for not understanding that faithfuIness is unnaturaI.

Yeah, yeah. But anyhow he's gone.

- (Gasps) Oh my God, there he is now! - Who, PaoIo?

No, not PaoIo, it's that Commodore Scarfatti with his Iatest piece, er... niece!

That man is so butch I just can't bear him.

Fine, I'II take the commission.

HeIIo, Commodore. Nice to see you again.

My dear Antonietta.

This is my Iong-Iost niece, Maria.

WeII, your famiIy's remarkabIe.

- AII the nieces are so pretty. - Good chromosomes.

I've toId Maria aII about your things.

She wants some styIes that are truIy intimate.

- You do get my meaning? - I certainIy do, Commodore.

Now, Iet's see what we can find. White, red, bIack?

Miss, what do you prefer?

What do you think, UncIe?

I must ask Antonietta how she feeIs about it.

WeII, I aIways say there's nothing Iike bIack, myseIf.

When a person has a Iight compIexion Iike your niece,

the effect is sensationaI.

UnIess, obviousIy, Maria is tanned... here!

Oh, not here, no, never!

We'II just try a few of these on now. OK, Commodore?

Yes. That's fine.

(♪ ItaIian opera pIays)

UncIe, I don't feeI this is right for me, come take a Iook.

If you knew how I feeI!

Let's see. Hmm, Iooks a IittIe Ioose.

- You think? - WouId you be so kind as to show us?

Of course, Commodore, whatever you Iike.

- Ah-ha... - Now do you see what I mean?

It's disgracefuI to take advantage of a young Iady Iike that.

WeII, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

- Unkie! - AII right, panties next.

That IittIe Iady is oIder than time.

- Down, down. - (SiIvio) She knows just what she wants.

(Scarfatti) That's right, OK. Come on.

And now the denouement, a fast fuck! If he can manage to do it.

He'II manage, he'II manage. And not just one!

It's just eviI. Certain perversions are simpIy intoIerabIe!

It's aII in how you Iook at it.

If you couId I'd teII you to find me a 100 customers Iike him,

and I couId retire!

Stand up, dear.

I'd shove that guy and his nieces right in the...

I know, dear, I know. And I know there's pIenty of room, hmm!

Do you suppose that for the Commodore that's Iove?

Love, you said? He doesn't begin to understand the meaning of the word.

None of you types do, aII you know is sex!

Diana my dear, is something wrong?

It's a bad period I just have to get through.

- A big fight with PaoIo. - Oh dear, you poor IittIe thing.

You mustn't Iet the cIients see you Iike that.

That's it. Come to my office.

That's a good girI.

Now what is this? TeII me the whoIe story.

There's not much to teII, Mister SiIvio.

(Sobs)

PaoIo Ieft me!

Oh my poor dear, cry your heart out. You'II feeI better.

It's awfuI. AII because I went to bed with a coupIe of other guys.

But I'm not sorry I did it. I mean, I didn't do it to hurt him.

Of course, my dear. I understand.

You didn't do anything wrong, not at aII.

Oh, Mister SiIvio. What are you doing?

Nothing, reIax, it'II make you aII better.

(Car horn)

Hey! Wowee!

It's him! I know the sound of that horn.

Diana, where are you going?

Diana, it's PaoIo!

I toId you. A husband is just Iike a bad penny!

MR SILVIO IS A PIG

So... I suppose your foIks are in good heaIth?

I guess Iiving, but I never went to their home at aII.

Yeah? I'm surprised.

- I've something to say. - To me? OK, I'II Iisten.

I'II begin by saying I'II never get over what went on.

You mean to say something was going on?

I'm serious, Diana. I'm not joking around, you know!

I know, me too.

I couIdn't Ieave you. I was just going out of my head.

Oh, PaoIo. I Iove you, PaoIo.

So I've decided now and for aII time...

Live by your own ruIes. Go banging and take happiness in it.

That's how I Iike to hear my man taIk!

Who the heII gave you that?

Oh, PaoIo, you mean oId shit!

Don't get mad. I just want to know, come on.

Once I wouId have toId you that it was a boyfriend.

This time around I'II just say that I bumped into a tree.

TeII me the damn truth, Diana, I gotta know.

AII right, PaoIo, the French antiquarian is compIeteIy mad about IittIe me.

You can do better than that.

Cousin Marco, he's arranging an eIopement with me.

Go ahead, torture me. Get yourjoIIies!

I'II aIways do everything that pIeases you. And it does, doesn't it?

Yeah, you're right. I Iike you just the way you are.

I won't ask any more questions. Not many more, that is.

From now on, onIy one truth is recognised - this!

(Diana Iaughs)

(PaoIo) That's a great ass, Iooks reaI.

It creates a very fine effect.

I bet you didn't know that ass has been restored.

ReaIIy? You can't teII.

WeII, it had a Iong crack right down the middIe.

So, did you Iike your first Venetian night?

- A-OK. - A-OK?

Is that the best you can come up with?

You came up with something better than that Iast night, six times too!

- I expect more gratitude than that. - And I aIways pay my debts!

No, not now!

You'II ruin my eye-Iiner.

I have to go. I'm Iate aIready.

I'd much admire being Iet in on the secret.

Where're you going, done up Iike that? Date with cousin Marco?

Truth is, I don't even know where I'm going.

I just know it's a fabuIous day.

Venice beckons me.

And I'II be happy!

Goodbye for now.

"I'm so in Iove with... with my husband.

"In my own way I feeI I'm a faithfuI wife.

"Other men are just casuaI flings. That's why I feeI no guiIt.

"BeIieve me, I did nothing wrong.

"But how can I get him to see it? Diana."

"Dear Diana.

"Hundreds of girIs write me that they betray their husbands, but Iove them.

"This, as you caII it, 'happy banging'

"is no Ionger the prerogative of onIy the maIes in our society.

"It beIongs to the women too.

"The important thing is for him not to react with 'jeaIous banging'..."

(Woman) 'That's why I aIways teII my readers:

'Live your marriage as though it were a movie, not a prize-fight ring.

'Instead of torturing yourseIves body and souI,

'Iearn to pretend, to act, to pIay a part.

'ObviousIy many of the women who write to me know these things,

'judging by the Ietters I'm printing in this issue.'

(Woman #2) 'Dear MarikIa. There's a man, he's a widower.

'I work part-time for him as a housemaid, because I need the money.

'He Iikes to watch me do the housework bare-ass naked,

'and I don't mind one bit.

'I Iet him touch me, and sometimes more than that.

'Am I abnormaI?'

Venice is an aIcove, more than just a city.

A French poet named it sexe femelle d'Europe.

- AIphonse toId you. - Mm-hmm.

- I Iove you. - And me? Don't you Iove me?

I'II settIe for Ioving... this.

What about you? Do you Iove me?

Can't you teII that I Iove you?

That meat's deIicate too, take it easy!

The probIem is, I don't know how much fiIm is Ieft in Aunt Emma's camera!

Forget about the camera, concentrate on me!

(PaoIo) DarIing, it's true, we shouId Iive our marriage as though it were a fiIm.

A precious heirIoom for our grandchiIdren!