Original subtitles

(film whirring)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(soft dramatic music)

(bright synth music)

(flame whooshing)

- If you're watching this at home,

then I suggest you stay there.

Because with complete pandemic lockdowns

lifting for the entire country in time

for the holiday shopping season,

the promise of robust Christmas sales

combined with lingering supply chain issues

makes for a truly Black Friday to kick off

the holiday shopping season,

which has been limited to online only

for the last three years.

I must say, I feel terrible for the retail workers.

- Chris!

I told you to watch the door, not the TV!

- Sorry.

- Where are your glasses?

You need to have them on your eyes at all times.

(bright orchestral music)

(phone vibrating) (alert chiming)

(soft suspenseful music)

(door rattling)

(glasses whirring)

(glasses chiming)

- [Crowd] Let us in. Let us in.

- They're here.

- [Crowd] Let us in. Let us in.

Let us in.

Let us in.

Let us in.

Let us in! (hands thudding)

Let us in!

Let us in! - They want in.

- [Crowd] Let us in! Let us in!

Let us in! Let us in!

Let us in! Let us in!

- Let's get ready.

- [Crowd] Let us in! Let us in!

Let us in! Let us in!

- Two minutes.

- Look at them.

- [Crowd] Let us in! Let us in!

- They haven't been free for three years.

No matter what,

we're a team,

and we stick together.

- [Crowd] Let us in! Let us in!

Let us in!

- There's so many.

- Call 911 if you have to.

I'll understand.

- [Crowd] Let us in! Let us in! Let us in!

- Chris, get the door.

Someone hit the lights.

Go! Go!

- [Crowd] Let us in! Let us in!

(rising dramatic music)

(bright holiday music)

(bright holiday music continues)

(bright holiday music continues)

(bright holiday music continues)

(bright holiday music continues)

(phone vibrating) (bright jangly music)

(dogs barking)

- Hi, Leni.

This is gonna be your Christmas. I just know it.

Oh, hun, you know I would take you if I could.

I'm sorry.

(cage clanking)

Come here.

(dogs barking)

- Oh, hi.

How can I help you?

- Oh, I'm just here to see Leigh.

She's one of the employees.

- Okay, I'll page her for ya.

- Usually I just, I go back.

- Hey, Chris. Hi.

This is Chris. He's always welcome.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm new. (laughs)

- She's in the back.

Hush, my dear

Hold your peers

Be here in this warm embrace

Heed my words

Hear this song

Let my love make you strong

There's no need for this heartache tonight

There's no reason to shut out the light

There's no need for us to argue and fight

We are together

And baby, it's Christmas tonight

- You should sing more often.

- My granny used to sing me that song,

but you didn't hear anything.

I, I only sing for puppers, not people.

- You should change that policy.

- Someone's in the Christmas spirit.

I wish I could say it looks good on you.

- [Chris] Wow.

- [Leigh] How was that Black Friday shift?

- Yeah, uh, it was not good.

- Yikes.

Well, why don't you go home and get some rest?

- Jenn just got back from her parents' Thanksgiving

and I really don't wanna deal with her right now.

- Oh.

You and your dad didn't go?

- [Chris] No, her parents hate my dad, so.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- So is her dad older or younger than yours?

- My dad is two years younger than her dad.

- Yikes.

- I mean, they're 20 years apart

and she wants to be my new mother,

but like I can't let that happen.

- Yeah, I get it.

Well, you and your dad should've came over

to my house for Thanksgiving.

My mom made an amazing turkey that my dad

could not stop raving about.

- I might take you up on that next time.

Jenn was talking to my dad about inviting

my grandpa over for Christmas,

so I might need to be rescued.

- Really? Rescued from what?

- So what's your beef?

- Beef? - Beef.

Problem. Issue.

- I don't have any beef.

- You don't? - No.

- No? - No.

- You're 16. - Right.

- You got plans? - Plans?

- Plans after graduation. - I'm not sure.

- You're not sure? - That's right.

- What kind of a kid isn't sure?

- A kid like me, I guess.

- How are you gonna make it?

- My good looks.

- Your grandpa sounds like a great time.

- He's just obsessed with me goin' to college.

I don't think he understands that I don't need college.

I have the greatest job in the world.

I sell overhyped technology to gullible consumers.

- Hey, at least you have money.

- I can get you a job at the shop if that's what you want.

- It's not that I want a job there.

I just, I would like to start this pet sitting,

dog walking service, you know?

It just sounds like a dream.

- What's stoppin' ya?

- There's so many start-up costs,

and insurance, and I have to be bonded,

and a website, and you know,

a million other things that I need to buy.

It's just a lot of start-up costs.

- Yeah.

I bet Christmas is a great time for these dogs, though.

- Yeah.

My (chuckles), my granny used to say that Santa

would come and get these guys homes for Christmas.

I wish that were true.

- Who knows, maybe Santa can get me a new family.

- You have a family.

Go spend some time with them.

- Humbug.

- Merry Christmas.

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

(lighthearted holiday music)

- Off to work?

- Looks that way.

- Can I pack you a sandwich or something?

You're right.

- Yeah, um, I'm late, so have fun with whatever this is.

(soft gentle music)

(soft sentimental music)

(lighthearted holiday music)

(lighthearted holiday music continues)

(string lights clattering)

- [Instructor] You are strong and capable and powerful.

You can do this.

Now hold that pose

and remember to breathe.

(lighthearted holiday music)

- No way do I have your touch.

(soft sentimental music)

Thank you for this.

(soft sentimental music)

(door closes)

- Jenn, you home?

Jenn?

- Where else would I be?

(kiss smacking)

- [Jim] I'll never get tired of being greeted like this.

- Mmm, I expected you home an hour ago.

Where have you been?

- Oh, I had just something to take care of.

You know, that divorce case?

I can't talk about it.

I cannot disclose.

No big deal. - Very weird.

You're being very weird.

- [Jim] No, I'm not. - [Jenn] Mmm-hmm.

- No, I'm not. - Yup.

Okay, fine.

- So this is really somethin'.

- Yeah, well, I, uh,

it'll be better once the tree is done.

So if you could help me with that, that would be great.

(Jenn sighs)

It's a family holiday, Jim.

She's family.

- Any word from Alf about Christmas dinner?

- Well, I think he's coming.

It's hard to tell because he just got

a new smartphone and his texting, not great.

- Really?

He's had one of those senior citizen flip phones forever.

It's big with big numbers.

- Yeah, well, I guess he's trying to catch up

with the times.

Everyone else said they're coming, though.

That's for sure.

- Are you sure you wanna do this?

- Jim, really.

It's gonna be good, for everybody.

- The lawyer in me needs to make sure

you understand and I disclose that this is

all Amy's side of the family,

and they could be a little strange.

- Your brother Pat is gonna be there.

- You'll love Funcle Pat.

Everybody loves Pat.

The kids worship him.

If fun had a name, it would be Pat.

- That's weird.

I thought fun already had a name,

and it was, hold on.

Oh, it's fun.

- Oh, is that a bit?

You doing stand-up now?

- What about Alf?

He seems like the life of the party.

- You could say that.

- [Alf] I warned ya! (kid wailing)

There's only room for one old man at this house!

That's the last time that fat geezer ruins the roof.

Venison for everybody!

- I'm sorry. That's awful.

I don't want this to be awkward.

Maybe I'm overstepping.

I can just as easily go to my parents'.

- No, no, no.

I'm sure they'd be very happy with that,

but we want ya here.

- Does we include Chris?

- I appreciate everything you're doing.

The decorations and bringing everybody together.

It's really nice.

- Well, do you think he'll be excited?

- Let's just hold off on telling him

till we make sure nobody cancels, you know?

Just give it time.

Then we'll tell him together, okay?

- Okay.

(soft solemn music)

(soft solemn music continues)

(Leigh sighs)

(phone ringing)

- [Mom] Hello?

- Um, hi, Mom.

- [Mom] Who is this?

- It's, it's me.

Um, I was just calling to see how your Thanksgiving went.

Um, and if it'd be okay if I came up for Christmas?

- [Mom] If you want something, call your father.

- I, I don't want anything.

I...

It's not like I can reach Dad anyway.

You know that.

(Leigh sighs)

I'm living with some friends right now, um.

- [Mom] What do I care? You're an adult.

Stop calling me.

(phone beeps)

(bright holiday music)

(soft gentle music)

(knuckles rapping) - Dad?

Dad?

- How was work?

- Stupid. What are you doin'?

- Laundry.

- So, um, I have this friend who wants to start a business.

- What kind of business does your friend wanna start?

- It's not me, Dad.

It's this girl I know.

I just thought we could help her out.

- Did she ask for your help?

- No.

- Chris, just ask her out.

- It's not like that.

- Sure. Of course not.

What do I know.

- Forget I asked.

- It's perfectly natural to be nervous.

- I'm not nervous.

- Then why concoct this scheme to be around this girl

instead of just asking her out like a man?

- You don't understand. - Oh, I understand.

- Wait. Hold on.

Don't act as if it didn't take you a whole year

to ask me out, Jim.

I still had to make the first move.

- See, that's more of an our generation type of thing.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- He just called you old.

Or me young. I'm not really sure.

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

- If she's really serious and wants to make money,

she's gonna have to file a business name

and create an LLC. (Chris sighs)

- You're really gonna help her with this, aren't you?

So sweet. - Okay, shh.

Just doing some undercover research.

Don't tell anyone, please.

- Yeah, uh-huh.

You like her, don't ya?

- No.

- Just admit it. (employee chuckles)

- Do you really think she needs an LLC?

- Yes, and insurance.

She's gonna have to get bonded.

- You two really do make a cute couple.

(gasps) What if you get married?

Oh my gosh, they would have the cutest babies.

- What? - [Employee] Oh my gosh!

- She really could use something positive

in her life right now.

That poor girl. She's all alone.

- Wait. What about her parents?

- Oh, you didn't hear?

Oh, they ditched her.

She is living in this disgusting basement apartment thing

with her friends.

- I took her home from work the other day

and I was scared for my life.

Anyway, my brother's an insurance agent.

I should totally introduce you.

(lighthearted holiday music)

- I'm rockin'!

- All right, Jack!

- What's the verdict, boss?

- It's really comin' together.

- Thank you.

You okay? What's wrong?

(soft solemn music)

- Don't think I've ever seen this one.

- Good news, bud.

We're having Christmas Eve dinner here,

and the whole family's comin'.

It will be just like when you were a kid.

Everyone.

Grandpa, Aunt Mandy, Uncle Matt, your cousins.

- And?

- Funcle Pat. - Mmm-hmm.

(soft gentle music)

How long has it been since everybody got together?

- Well, Amy was sick for two years before the shutdown.

- Stop.

(soft gentle music)

(Chris crying)

(soft solemn music)

(Chris sniffs)

They're acting like you don't matter.

Like you never existed.

I can't forget that Christmas was your day.

(Chris sniffling)

(Chris breathing heavily)

(tense dramatic music)

(knuckles rapping)

Fuck! Come on.

What's up, Dad? (Jim sighs)

- Look, she's trying her best, I-

- [Chris] I know.

- This is all new to her and I should've,

just please be patient.

- I don't want her doing my laundry.

- Okay.

I get it.

She's just, uh- - Trying too hard.

- Look, with this Christmas Eve dinner coming up,

we all have to figure out a way to get along.

Can I count on you?

- You know it's gonna be hard seeing

everyone else without her.

- I know.

(soft gentle music)

(glasses vibrating)

(dog barking)

- Good morning, Leni.

I brought your favorite!

I might spend Christmas with you.

Don't get adopted before then, okay?

All right.

- Get adopted till when?

- Oh, nothing. What?

- Smooth.

So, remember when I said my grandpa

might be coming to Christmas

and I'd probably need to be rescued?

- Yeah.

- Well, now my whole family's comin' to Christmas,

and I definitely need to be rescued.

- Oh, uh, Chris.

- I'm not asking to bail on your family's plans.

But do you think it would be possible

for you to come to my house on Christmas Eve?

- I might have to talk to my family first.

- Okay, before you commit,

I need to let you know what you're getting into.

- Okay.

- So every year we play this White Elephant game.

My grandpa likes to put lousy gifts in

and a ball of cash and everyone fights over it,

and he calls it Christmas Cage Match.

- Interesting.

- My Aunt Mandy is neurotic.

My cousins Kelli and Cole are total nerds,

especially Kelli.

She's like this frumpy little book worm

that would rather read the dictionary

than have a conversation with you.

So, my Uncle Matt is scared of my Aunt Mandy,

so he doesn't really talk,

and nobody knows what's going on inside of his head.

- Is there anyone else I should be worried about?

- Yes.

My dad's brother, Uncle Pat.

We call him Funcle Pat.

If he can't make you smile, you're not human.

No one really knows what he's gonna do next,

and he's probably the only person

I'm looking forward to seeing.

- Wow, it sounds like every family needs a Funcle Pat.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I guess I could go.

- [Chris] You'll come? - Yeah.

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

(Jim humming)

- [Jim] Hey. - Hey.

- Are you making Amy's applesauce?

- Yeah. Tell me I can do this.

- You can do this. - Thank you.

- And if you can't, you're still incredible.

And we have lots of cheeses.

- Oh, that's good.

- And you could always fall back on your amazing looks.

- For how long? - Forever.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Sweet-

- [Chris] Oh, come on. Gross.

Ugh.

- Did you clean your room?

- I don't think we're goin' into my room.

- Take out the trash when you go out.

And then come back and clean your room.

- Wanna nail him? He's still there.

- I'm rockin'!

- All right, Jack!

(lighthearted holiday music)

(glasses whirring)

(bell chiming)

(light plucky music)

(Chris panting)

(soft suspenseful music)

(glasses whirring)

(bell chimes)

(Chris laughs)

(door creaks) (clothes flop)

(Chris sighs) (tense dramatic music)

(light plucky music)

(Chris sighs)

(light plucky music)

(door clangs)

(light plucky music)

(soft suspenseful music)

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

- How was work?

- What are you doin'?

- Laundry.

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

Sorry, bud. Occupato.

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

(suspenseful Old West music)

Work?

- Bad.

- Food?

- Got it.

- Girl?

- Bye, Dad.

(suspenseful Old West music)

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

Dad, come on. I need to do laundry.

- [Jim] Sorry. (loud thudding)

Ow! Oh! No can do.

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

(soft solemn music)

(Jim crying)

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

(Chris screaming) (rising dramatic music)

(soft introspective music)

- [Friend] Hey, we're headin' out.

Please make sure you lock up when you leave.

It's the least you can do.

- Wait, I thought you were gonna give me a ride later.

- [Friend] Babe? Babe?

- [Friend] What?

- [Friend] Did you say we'd give Leigh a ride tonight?

- [Friend] What?

- [Friend] Did you say that we would give Leigh

a ride tonight?

- [Friend] A ride where?

- [Friend] Yeah, we don't remember saying that.

- But I-

- [Friend] Let's go. We're gonna be late!

- [Friend] Sorry, kid.

You're gonna have to figure it out for yourself tonight.

Let us know how it goes.

(door closes)

- Ugh.

(door opens)

- [Friend] Please make sure you lock up when you leave.

(door closes)

- We have one too many, hon.

- Oh, no we don't.

- No, Jim.

We don't.

- Yeah.

(phone vibrating)

Oh.

What does this mean?

- I, mmm. (Jim laughs)

I don't know.

(glasses whirring)

- Fire.

(missile blasting)

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ugh.

(knuckles rapping)

- [Jim] Chris?

Your door's locked.

- I know.

- [Jim] Can you just do me a favor and text Grandpa

to see if you can tell what he needs?

He got a new phone and I don't know what he's saying,

and I don't think he knows how to answer our calls.

- Fine.

- [Jim] Thank you.

And why don't you come downstairs

when you're done to help Jenn.

I heard that.

- Text Grandpa.

Hey, Grandpa. It's Chris.

(light plucky music)

Chris, your grandson.

Can you read this?

(light plucky music) (texts chiming)

Oh my, shoot me.

(light plucky music) (texts chiming)

(light plucky music)

(texts chiming)

(light plucky music)

(texts chiming)

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

(soft holiday music)

(sentimental holiday music)

(Chris sighs)

(sentimental holiday music)

- Go, go, go, go.

- Okay.

Do you think they'll like it?

- They're gonna be so impressed.

- Well, thank you. (doorbell ringing)

Oh, god. - For whom the bell tolls.

Who's first?

- I'll go see. - No!

- No looking.

We made a game about it.

You have to guess who it is.

- I'm gonna say Grandpa.

- I'm gonna go Uncle Pat.

- Leigh.

- [Jim] What's the bet?

- 10 bucks. - Deal.

- All right.

- [Jack] I'm rockin'!

- Ready?

- Hi.

- Tell me you're Leigh.

- Yeah.

- Ha! Cough it up, boys.

- I'm Jim, Chris's dad.

This is Jenn, my girlfriend.

- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi.

- Can I take your jacket?

- Would you like a drink?

- [Leigh] Um.

- We have cheeses.

- No thank you. I'm okay.

Uh, can I help you with anything?

- Oh, no.

- Just keep us calm.

(Chris sighs)

(soft introspective music)

- [Jack] I'm rockin'!

- Good for you, Jack!

- Merry Christmas.

- How are you?

Where's the kid?

You asked for it. (laughs)

- [Chris] Merry Christmas, Grandpa.

- All right, get on with it.

Come on, man.

So, you must be Jenn.

Well, I'll tell you somethin', the house looks-

- This is Jenn, Alf. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me.

So you just be Jenn. - Yes.

- Well, the house looks great.

And thank you for putting this all together.

You know, Jim's an attorney, but he couldn't,

he couldn't, he couldn't organize his own briefs.

- Yeah, that's true.

- Anyway, so you, young lady who's not Jenn,

what is your name?

- Leigh Cabot, Mr. Landon.

It's very nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- I've heard a lot about you.

- And you guys are, uh?

- Leigh's a friend of mine.

She works at the shelter downtown.

- Friends. - [Chris] Yeah.

- Okay. Well, when do we eat?

So, you're goin' to college, huh?

Boy, you better be.

I sent you a hundred bucks for graduation.

Then I couldn't figure out how to log in

to watch the ceremony.

- I've been thinkin' about art school.

Kinda. Sorta.

- Kinda sorta?

You wanna draw or somethin'?

- Graphic design.

Maybe.

It is the PA College of Art and Design.

- Let me tell you something, Chris.

The longer you wait,

the faster the sand runs through the hourglass.

What about you, young lady?

- I'd love to one day, sir.

Right now I'm focusing on starting a business.

- Starting your own business.

Now that's a good idea.

What's your passion?

- It's silly, but...

I love dogs, and I wanna start dog walking

and doing dog sitting services.

I just need to save up some money,

and I'm going to do this right.

But college is part of the plan, too.

- Who needs it? (doorbell ringing)

This oughta be fun.

- Okay, who's at the door?

- [James] I'm rockin'!

- It's Mandy and her brood.

Get ready to rumble.

(Jim sighs)

- [Mandy] Merry Christmas! - My aunt and uncle are here.

- [Mandy] Oh, Daddy, oh my god!

- How are you?

- Hey, Jim. How's it goin'?

- Did Santa make an early Xanax delivery to your house?

- Warm as a cry for help, Dad, as always.

- He looks like the unabomber.

- Matt, Mandy, this is Jenn.

- [Mandy] Oh. - Hi.

- [Mandy] Hi. - Oh!

- Hey, man, what'd you do?

Get her in the mail from Russia?

Or one of those 90-day television programs?

(light plucky music)

- [Mandy] Chris!

- [Chris] This is my friend Leigh.

Uh, Leigh, that's my Aunt Mandy.

- [Mandy] Hi. - [Leigh] Hi.

- [Matt] Hey, Chris. How you doin', buddy?

- He never fails to disappoint.

(wreath clatters)

- Now she's your version of a nerdy bookworm?

I don't wanna know where I rate.

- I guess a lot can change in three years.

- Kelli.

- Hi. - Oh my god.

- Hi. - Hi!

- Where's Cole?

- He's still outside.

That dummy dropped the presents all over the ground.

- That kid has been on my shi-naughty list

for the last year.

You have no idea.

- Oh my god.

You look absolutely stunning in that dress.

And your hair? Oh my god.

You are gorgeous. OMG.

I love you.

You are perfect.

You are!

- She speaks in exclamation points.

- You did good, Uncle Jim.

- Oh! - [Kelli] She is awesome.

- Hey, I think you've been watching too much

of that TikTak or whatever it is that dumb kids

watch on the internet.

- TikTok, Grandpa.

- CrepeCrap.

- Actually, I have my own channel.

- She's been making good money with endorsements.

She just might have a career.

- Well, make all the money you can, kid,

'cause when your looks are gone, you're done.

(light plucky music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Uncle Pat?

- Oh for god's sake, it's the kid.

You want an engraved invitation?

Get in here.

- Hi, Grandpa. Merry Christmas.

- Yeah, I got more gifts in the car

when you put these away.

Come on.

(ornament jingling)

- [Jack] I'm rockin'!

- Whoa! Everybody hold the phones.

I got to know what is goin' on

with the goofball next door sittin' on the front porch

rockin' in a rockin' chair.

- Hello, pot. I'm kettle. You're black.

(Matt chuckles)

- Oh, that's just Jack next door, Uncle Matt.

He likes to rock in his chair.

I could only wish to be as happy as him.

He's nice.

- Well, he looks like a martian.

Hey, Jim, what you say you let me walk around the house

a little bit and scope the place out?

- Be my guest.

- I am your guest, Jim.

I mean, what do you mean by that?

What are you trying to say here?

- Nothin'. Just means go ahead, Matt.

- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, it all looks under control here.

(light plucky music)

- (sighs) He wants to make sure the house isn't bugged.

- Well, I guess you shouldn't show him these, huh?

- (gasps) OMG!

Digi sunglasses?

I want those.

Like, you don't understand.

- All right, well, I better get dinner started.

- Uh, can I help?

- Sure.

- [Kelli] I'm coming, too.

- Don't forget Grandpa's presents.

- It's been a long lockdown.

- You have no idea.

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

- Oh! (head thuds)

(Jim sighs)

(phone vibrating)

(text chiming)

(text chiming)

- You should be a guest on my show.

Jenn? - [Jenn] Mmm. Mmm-hmm?

- My god, I would love that.

You could make some big money.

- Wow.

- And you.

I want you to glow up on my channel.

I get like all these products for free.

We do this awesome before and after,

and then your glow up blows up my channel.

- Um, is there a problem with the way that I look now?

- It's a compliment.

She's saying you have potential.

(glasses chiming)

- Okay.

- Honestly, Jenn, you should've just had this catered.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I didn't want to have people work on Christmas Eve.

- Oh, please, they chose the job.

Are you making homemade applesauce?

- Yeah, just an online recipe I found.

- Oh, Amy used to love to make that.

She had this big family cookbook

filled with her favorite recipes.

It's gotta be here somewhere.

- Um, Mandy?

I lied.

(soft sentimental music) (glasses chiming)

- Kelli, stop with those stupid sunglasses

and help your Aunt Jenn,

help Jenn with this applesauce.

(soft sentimental music)

- Um, okay. Well, the apples need to be mashed.

There you go. - Okay.

(masher tapping)

- You can cook?

- Uh, a little bit, yeah.

(masher tapping)

- Oh, no, no, no. The cooked apples.

Mash the cooked apples, please.

(water boiling)

- I can't get anything on this dress.

- Here. I got you.

It's just water. Okay.

- So what's new, Cole?

I mean, besides the obvious.

- Could be better, Grandpa.

- Um, what happened with Kelli?

- Yeah, that's an extreme makeover.

Matt, you should get one of those.

- Now what exactly you tryin' to say by that, Alf?

- I'm not tryin', I'm sayin' it.

The pandemic was a virus, not early onset dementia.

- It's a long story.

I don't really want to talk about right now.

- [Alf] Don't worry. Your mom will.

(doorbell ringing)

- Funcle Pat?

Thank god!

- Here's Pat!

(waning happy music)

Jesus, Pat.

You look like all the side effects

for a medicine commercial.

- I'm really looking forward to Catch Match Christmas, so.

- [Jack] I'm rockin'!

- Good for you, Jack! Good for you!

Well, I'm gonna get a drink and potty.

- Merry Christmas, little brother.

- Hey.

It's, uh, it's been a long time.

- Uh, this is Jenn, in the flesh.

- [Jenn] Hi.

- We've been going back and forth

through electronic mail.

It's good to finally meet you.

- Good to meet you as well.

I've heard a lot of good things.

- Okay.

- Well, how is life treating you, Pat?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh.

Uh.

Uh, well, actually if you really wanna know,

um, yeah,

Laurie and I are done.

Uh, we broke up for good this summer.

So, ah.

I lost my job.

I can't find a new one.

I'm, uh, six months behind on rent,

and my car is about to die,

and I

have a boil

on my butt

that needs to be lanced.

I think it's infected.

(Leigh chuckles)

- Merry Christmas, Funcle Pat.

- Chris!

Yeah, Funcle Pat.

Yeah, yeah. - [Chris] Funcle Pat, yeah.

- It's good to see you.

- Uh, this is my friend Leigh.

- Don't screw him over.

- I get you, Uncle Pat.

I get you.

(fist pounding) - [Matt] Who is it?

- What a weird thing to ask.

Hurry up in there!

You alone out here?

- No.

They're watching.

- They? They who?

- Them.

- What do they want?

- You know what they want.

- I wouldn't know where to start, Alf.

There is so much weird stuff happenin'

in this world these days.

- You don't say?

- The pandemic.

That was all one big distraction.

- A distraction from what?

- Aliens.

- Oh, lizard people.

- Mmm-mmm.

Mmm.

The grays.

From the far away land of Zeida Reticuli.

- Don't worry, Jack.

Dad's got your back.

- Matt.

Matt, Alf.

You don't even know your own son-in-law's name.

- They're watching.

- Who are you?

- I'm just a man that needs to pee, Jack.

A man that really needs to pee.

- [Matt] Mmm-hmm.

- I should've done a background check

when Mandy brought him home.

Oh, I got to pee.

- Hi, guys.

I'm here with my fam making homemade applesauce.

It's like a famous family recipe.

And OMG, it's like low-key, the best thing ever.

You're so jealous right now, I know.

Merry Christmas!

- Look at her go.

Beauty and brains.

- [Jenn] Oh, yeah.

- I'm so proud of you!

(light plucky music)

(tense dramatic music)

- Phew.

(soft sentimental music)

(glasses chiming)

You are working so hard.

Take a load off.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This has to be perfect.

- You have a lot to learn about this family, honey.

- [Matt] Alf! Hey!

- [Funcle Pat] What the?

- Matthew!

- [Funcle Pat] What, uh, what exactly are you looking for?

- [Matt] Hmm.

- He's checking to see if your pupils react to the light

and turn long like a reptile's.

- Seriously?

- I am serious.

Unfortunately, so is he.

- Oh, for god's sake, Matthew!

They're not lizard people.

- Pretty bad when she's the voice of reason.

- Cole, Matthew.

Family meeting right now.

- What did I do this time?

- [Matt] Hmm.

(Funcle Pat swallows)

- Well, um, I'm gonna go

anywhere else.

- I'll come, too.

(Jim exhaling)

- I never knew ginger ale could be used as a cooking hack.

- Oh, yeah.

- Aw, give me a break.

- What? - Not you.

Glasses?

- One sec. - [Chris] Really?

- One sec.

Ew. Reality is gross.

- Jenn, can we help you with anything?

- Sure, um.

Can you start bringing things out to the table, please?

- Okay.

- Thank you.

- It's really tough coming back here with Amy gone.

There should've been a service.

We should've been there.

- Yeah, well, the pandemic had other plans.

You need another drink?

I'm gonna.

- Uh.

Jenn's a,

a real pretty girl.

Nice work.

- I know what you think.

- Nah, I don't think you do.

- I have a hunch.

- Okay, look, we've always been straight

with one another.

You know me.

One word.

- Go for it.

- Biology.

- [Jim] Huh?

- Biology.

All right, Jenn's what?

She's, uh, 25? Somethin' like that?

- Somethin' like that.

- So...

What are you doing? (chuckles)

Come on.

You're supposed to be the smart, successful son.

- Don't start that. - Oh, come on.

You know Mom loved you more than me.

You're the firstborn.

I read. I know how stuff works.

- How what works?

- Oh, man.

Does, does Jenn want kids?

Do you know?

Are you going to be changing the diaper

of your second-favorite child when you're 60?

- I don't know.

- What about Chris? Huh?

Have you thought about that?

What about your wife?

- Amy? - Amy, yeah.

Yeah, she, uh.

She died, man.

That's...

Just messed up.

- Yeah, well cancer will do that.

- It's just, I...

I don't understand how you're always so okay.

- My life's a mess.

It's not, it's not fair.

You know, I just,

I look at you and no matter what gets thrown your way,

you always seem to land on your feet.

- You don't know the first thing about

what I've been through.

I'm just doing the best I can with the one life I have.

So you decided to throw yours away,

it doesn't obligate the rest of us to follow suit.

- Hey, Funcle Pat.

I was just tellin' Leigh here.

Um, do you remember when you drug us

across the backyard in the snowmobile?

Like you tied the kiddie pool to it

and Mom was really mad? (Funcle Pat laughs)

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had to sell that snowmobile to pay for groceries.

- Okay.

(Mandy clears throat)

- Jim, you're owed two apologies.

The first one from my husband for calling

you all lizard people.

And the second one, from Cole.

- Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

- [Mandy] Cole?

- I don't know why I'm supposed to be apologizing.

- For being a little snarky- - It's fine.

It's good.

We're all happy you're here.

- Let me ask you somethin'.

Do you love her?

- No, we're just friends.

- Well then there can only be one explanation for this.

Now I get it.

There's 147 reasons you don't want Jenn and your Dad

to, you know, and between us, I'm with ya.

- I'm not- - Shut up.

- When your grandma died,

I thought I'd never be happy again,

and for a long time that was true.

But then eventually you start to heal.

And if you're very lucky, happiness will find you.

- He's not happy. He's delusional.

- If there's a difference between the two,

I've never seen it.

(hand smacks)

- Hey! (hand smacks)

(soft gentle music)

- [Jenn] Oh, really?

(glasses whirring)

(chime ringing)

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

- Ah, wanna thank everyone for making the venture out

for the first family gathering in over three years.

Jenn and I are blessed by your presence.

Thank you. - Thank you.

Oh, and um, I would like to say something as well.

A toast to Amy.

It's her recipes, her kitchen.

Without her, none of this would've been possible, so.

To Amy.

- To Amy.

(glasses clinking)

- Time for food.

(utensils clinking)

(soft suspenseful music)

(Cole gags)

(Alf coughs)

- [Mandy] Dad!

- Jenn, did you wood chip the Morton salt girl

and sprinkle her in here?

- It's like seawater.

- I, I didn't.

Kelli made the sauce.

- Don't blame her for your lack of supervision.

- You did this on purpose for one of your stupid videos.

- What? No I did not!

- Not everything is a conspiracy, Cole.

- Lizard people thinks there isn't a conspiracy here?

- I'm sure it was just a simple mistake.

I didn't mean anything. (water bubbling)

- My daughter's an angel.

She would never disrespect Amy's recipe!

- Do you really think I would try

and ruin Christmas with a prank?

- This is my nightmare. - [Kelli] I'm not Grandpa!

- Oh, come on.

You're already dumb. You don't have to act it.

- Oh, she's the one who's typical?

Really? You really wanna go there?

(spoon clanging) - Jim!

Enough with the glass.

(suspenseful plucky music)

- I know I heard somethin' up here.

Somethin'.

We got us a whole lotta maybe somethin'.

(water bubbling)

Oop! Wait a minute!

- Yeah.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah.

I wanna go there.

You all wanna know why they're mad at me?

- Cole, don't you dare!

Just shut up and drop it!

- Why don't you take your own advice, Mom.

I'll tell you all why.

Last summer me and my girlfriend, we got serious.

(Mandy gasps)

- Serious? How serious?

- About as serious as you can get, Uncle Jim.

- Cole, this is not dinner conversation.

It's Christmas! - Mandy, head it!

I wanna hear the kid.

Pass the bread, Leigh.

(water bubbling)

- Yeah, that'll work.

- You wanna know what they did?

Oh, my dear mom got so freaked out

that she and Dad made me move school districts.

- You guys moved? - No.

That's just it.

They lied to the new school.

Said they were divorced,

and then Dad used his brother's trailer as a residence.

- That's illegal.

- [Cole] Ya think?

- That's awful. - Right?

You're not even in the family and you get it.

- I get you, Cole.

I really get ya.

- Took me out of my school where all my friends were

for my senior year.

I lost my friends, I lost my girlfriend.

I hate everything.

- Yeah, I got one.

Ugh.

Man.

Ah! Oh!

Ah!

- Mandy.

- He's exaggerating, Jim.

It wasn't like that.

- It wasn't?

I had to take a bus to Uncle Walt's trailer every day

and one of those two would come pick me up.

- That's major fraud, tax fraud.

Don't you think your reaction was a little extreme?

- Extreme? Really, Jim?

He was 16.

- It's not like he committed some crime,

but you two might of.

- It figures you would side with him.

- [Jim] Huh, what do you mean by that?

- Well, she's referencing, uh.

- [Jim] I know what she's referencing.

- None of you know how hard it's been

for me these last three years.

- Where I thought I'd find the problem.

(water gurgling)

Got myself into a problem.

Oh! Oh!

Oof!

Ah!

- Dogs are better than people.

- Mmm.

You need to meet Leni then.

- [Cole] Who's Leni?

- Oh, a dog that I watch at the shelter.

- Mmm, yeah.

What? Are we holdin' ya up?

Please continue. We're all ears.

- Well.

(Matt grunting)

I'm gonna end up having to leave out of here

with the whole toilet bowl attached to me.

Uh! (water gurgles)

- Why can't you be more like your sister?

- You serious?

At least my girlfriend wasn't like 50 years old.

(Mandy gasps)

Mom, she tells you that her money comes from endorsements,

but really her boyfriend,

her 50-year-old married boyfriend

is sending her money.

- He's lying.

None of this is true!

He's just trying to draw attention away

from his screw ups.

- Well let me see your phone then.

- No.

- Kelli? (sobbing)

- Mommy.

Mommy!

- Well, don't want it to go to waste.

- Maybe before I go home I could stop over and meet Leni.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

- Uh, uh, would you, would you wanna walk him?

- I think I would.

- Well, can't get any worse.

Wow.

Just wow.

I'm so sorry.

- Oh, don't be.

Chris warned me that things could go south today.

It's fine. - Yeah.

I forced everybody together.

I thought it was gonna be a good thing.

And turns out it's not.

- Don't say that.

I mean, so yeah, I mean,

the applesauce was a mess,

but that's not the end of the world.

And you did such a good job getting everyone together.

I mean, family is so important.

- Yeah.

Should've spent the night with your family.

Bet they're totally normal.

- [Leigh] Well. (lights clicking)

- [Funcle Pat] Hey, I think the power's out.

- Perfect time for the Christmas Cage Match.

(dogs yelping) (gentle piano music)

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

Okay, so we all know the rules, but for newcomers,

the gifts are put into that box.

First player gets a gift out of that box, opens it.

Second player can either steal that gift

or get another gift out of the box.

And there are some clunkers in there,

but as always, there's some treasure.

2,000 big ones.

- [Leigh] So it's like White Elephant?

- We call it Christmas Cage Match.

- Why is that?

- You'll see.

- Okay, who's the first player?

(tense dramatic music)

(gifts clattering) (bright holiday music)

- Where?

I saw it!

(gifts clattering)

(Pat mumbling)

(gifts clattering)

(bright holiday music)

Okay.

(soft gentle music)

(paper ripping)

- Thanks, Grandpa.

(soft gentle music)

- No. Why?

- Pull it together, soldier.

You still got a war to fight!

- Please.

- [Funcle Pat] Can't your husband buy you alcohol?

- Oh, thanks, Mom. - [Cole] Oh, come on.

- Ew! What is that?

(gentle piano music)

(paper ripping)

- Oh, look at this.

You shouldn't have. (laughs)

Huh.

It sees you while you're sleeping.

- That's just, that's so last year.

- Did Kelli get two gifts?

- I, just don't worry about it.

- It's my turn now, right?

Hmm. Oh.

- No! - Oh, I don't think so!

This was her gift.

You may take this.

- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

- [Mandy] Don't shush me!

- I'm not interested in what you think!

You're not playing by the rules!

- [Kelli] I don't care!

- You're not playing!

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

(siblings screaming)

The money's mine!

- Most traditions are lame, but this one just,

this one's worth holdin' onto.

(group yelling indistinctly)

(Funcle Pat screaming)

- Ah, he bit me! - Are you okay?

- He assaulted me!

Hush, my dear

Hold your peers

Be here in this warm embrace

Heed my words

Hear this song

Let my love make you strong

There's no need for this heartache tonight

There's no reason to shut out the light

There's no need for us to argue and fight

'Cause we are together

And baby it's Christmas tonight

Oh

It's Christmas tonight

Oh

It's Christmas tonight

(glasses vibrating) (bright jangly music)

With everyone fighting over White Elephant,

I realized that no one wants to talk about

the elephant in the room.

(gentle piano music)

I didn't know Amy,

but I feel like I do.

She's everywhere in this house.

And though I've only see one picture of her, I,

I can't help but think that

she would've been the mom that I always wanted.

(gentle piano music)

I don't have a family.

I sleep on a mattress in a basement

off of the charity of people that I pretend are my friends.

I would love to have a family like all of you.

I would love to have a mother like Amy

or Mandy

or Jenn.

(gentle piano music)

You're angry,

and I get it.

I'm angry, too.

Not for the same reasons, but it's,

it's Christmas,

and we're all pretty lucky to be here together, tonight.

Chris.

She was your mom.

I can't imagine what it must've been like

not being able to say goodbye to her.

- I, I miss her every day.

(gentle piano music)

She was your daughter.

That's not how it's supposed to happen.

A parent should never have to lose their child.

(gentle piano music)

She was your sister.

I would be mad, too.

You loved her.

She was your wife.

The mother of your son.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Marsh.

(gentle piano music)

I'm so sorry you lost her.

None of you

got the closure that you deserve.

The pandemic robbed all of you of that.

It stole something from all of us.

Something much more important than a wad of money

in a pile of gifts.

(gentle piano music)

You were owed better,

and so was Amy.

Maybe it's time to steal it back.

(gentle piano music)

- When my girls were little,

I could protect them from anything.

When Amy needed me the most,

I couldn't protect her.

I couldn't even be there for her.

I couldn't hold her hand.

(Alf exhales)

I couldn't even tell her I loved her.

I miss her every day.

I know you do, too. I know we all do.

I love you, too, Mandy.

I don't tell ya enough, but I love you.

(gentle piano music)

(gentle piano music continues)

- Amy was everything to me.

We met in college and I fell in love with her

the moment I cheated off of her

for our political science exam.

I remember when Chris was born,

when they handed him to her.

I knew in that moment that she was put on this earth

to be that kid's mom.

When he turned one she wrote a poem

for his first birthday and had it published in the paper.

She wasn't Emily Dickinson, but.

You remember it?

"Our son is one today.

He is my life, my world, come what may.

I will watch him grow

and listen to every word he'll say. (crying)

One day he'll become a man and go away,

but for now our son is one today." (sniffling)

Hardest closing argument ever.

(soft gentle music)

(soft gentle music continues)

Jenn.

You've done nothing but show respect to Amy.

We're all here because of you.

None of this would be possible

without your amazing, caring, loving heart.

You deserve a lot more attention

than what you've been getting.

Hasn't been easy, and I know that.

I'm sorry.

But I'm in awe of your strength and courage,

and you brought happiness into my world

when I didn't think it was possible.

Jenn.

I lost the ring, so use your imagination, but.

- My god, Jim.

- Wait.

(soft gentle music)

(Jim chuckles softly)

(Jenn chuckles softly)

- What do you say?

- Uh.

Uh, no.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Jim, I love you.

But, um, not now.

And maybe not ever,

but, uh, that's okay.

I mean, this family obviously needs to grieve,

and you all deserve that.

(gentle piano music)

And I'll never replace Amy.

We need to know if that's what's been going on here.

And I'm not your mom, I know.

But I also know that she would be very proud

of the man you're growing up to be.

I'm sorry.

I love you, Jim.

(soft gentle music)

- Here.

Use that to get back on your feet.

- Okay. Shh.

- Okay.

- What would you think if I adopted Leni?

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- I haven't had a date in 20 years,

and dogs are chick magnets.

You always see all these single ladies

at the dog park, and if they see me with Leni,

they're gonna think, oh my gosh,

I guess he's not terrible.

- I mean, I would love that.

I'd miss him a little bit, but he'd be in a good home.

- Well, you'd still see him 'cause I need

a dog sitter once in awhile.

- Right.

I haven't started my business up yet.

- Well, I could be your investor.

I can help you get it up and running.

- I, I can't accept that.

- You know, my late wife used to say

if someone gives you a wonderful gift

and you're embarrassed, just say thank you.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- [Jack] Merry Christmas!

- So, uh, what'd I miss?

(bright holiday music)

- [Jack] Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas, Jack!

Merry Christmas!

(bright holiday music)

(glasses vibrating)

(bright holiday music)

(heartwarming holiday music)

(bright holiday music)

(bright holiday music continues)

(bright holiday music continues)