Original subtitles

Hey, pardon me for askin', but who's that little old man?

- Uh, what little old man? - That little old man.

Oh, that one. That's my grandfather.

- Your grandfather? - Yeah.

- That's not your grandfather. - It is, you know.

But I've seen your grandfather. He lives in your house.

Oh, that's my other grandfather, but he's my grandfather as well.

How do you reckon that one out?

Well, everyone's entitled to two, aren't they? And this is my other one.

We know that, but what's he doin' here?

Well, my mother thought the trip would do him good.

- Hows that? - He's nursin' a broken heart.

Ah, poor old thing.

Hey, mister, are you nursin' a broken heart?

He's a nice old man, isn't he?

He's very clean.

- Hello, grandfather. - Hello.

He can talk then, can he?

Of course he can talk. He's a human being, isn't he?

If he's your grandfather, who knows?

- And we're lookin' after him, are we? - I look after meself.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

- He's got you worried then? - Him? He's a villain, a real mixer.

And he costs you a fortune in breach-of-promise cases.

- Get on. - No, straight up.

Aye, aye.

- Hello, Shake. - Hello, Shake.

You got on all right then?

No.

Oh? Well, we're here.

Norm will be along in a minute with the tickets.

Hey, who's the little old man?

It's Paul's grandfather.

- Oh, aye? But I thought- - No, that's his other one.

Oh, that's all right then.

Clean though, isn't he?

Oh, aye. He's very clean.

- Mornin', lads. - Hi, Norm. Good morning. - Good morning, Norm.

Thank God, you've all got here.

Look, I've had a marvelous idea.

Just for once, let's all try to behave like ordinary, respectable citizens.

Let's not cause any trouble, pull any strokes...

or do anything I'm gonna be sorry for.

Especially tomorrow in that television theater, becau -

Are you listening to me, Lennon?

You're a swine. Isn't he, George?

Yeah, a swine.

Thanks. Hey!

Who's that little old man?

- Well, who is he? - He belongs to Paul.

Oh, well. I'm going down for a cup of coffee.

- Anyone coming? - We'll follow you down.

I want me coffee.

You can come with Shake and me if you like.

Look after him. I don't want to find you've lost him.

Don't be cheeky.

I'll bind him to me with promises.

Very clean, isn't he?

Come out, granddad.

Make up your mind, will you?

Hello. Morning.

All right?

Do you mind if we have it open?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, but there are four of us, and we'd like it open.

That's if it's all the same to you, that is.

It isn't. I travel on this train regularly - twice a week.

- So I suppose I have some rights. - So have we.

And we'll have that thing off as well. Thank you.

But -

An elementary knowledge of the railway acts would tell you that I'm perfectly within my rights.

Yeah, but we want to hear it. There's more of us than you.

We're a community - majority vote, up the workers and all that stuff.

Then I suggest you take that damn thing into the corridor...

or some other part of the train - where you obviously belong.

Give us a kiss.

Look, mister, we paid for our seats too, you know.

I travel on this train regularly - twice a week.

Knock it off, Paul. You can't win with his sort.

After all, it's his train. Isn't it, mister?

Don't take that tone with me, young man.

I fought the war for your sort.

- I bet you're sorry you won. - I shall call the guard.

Ah, but what?

They don't take kindly to insults, you know.

Come on. Let's go have some coffee and leave the kennel to Lassie.

Hey, mister! Can we have our ball back?

Look, mister! Mister!

Can we have our ball back?

- Hey! - Please, mister!

- You want to watch it. - Well, it's not my fault.

- You stick to that story, son. - I can't help it.

- I'm just taller than you are. - They always say that.

Well, I've got me eye on ya.

I'm sorry, Norm. I can't help being taller than you.

Well, don't rub it in! I've a good mind to thump you, Shake.

If you're gonna have a barney, can I hold your coat?

- He started it. - I did not. You did.

What happened?

The old fella said that could he have these pictures, and Norm said no.

And all I said was, 'Well, why not be big about it?"

And?

Your grandfather painted out that Shake was always being taller than me just to spite me.

I knew it. He started it.

- I should've known. - You what?

You two have never had an argument in your life...

and, in two minutes flat, he's got you at it.

He's a king mixer.

He hates group unity, so he gets everyone at it.

I suggest you just give him the photos and have done with it.

Oh, all right, you old devil. Here you are.

Hey, Pauly, would you ever sign one of them for us?

Ah, come out, Shake.

- Hey, look at the talent. - Let's give 'em a pull.

- Should I? - Aye, but don't rush.

None of your five-bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff.

- What's that supposed to mean? - I don't know.

I thought it just sounded distinguished-like.

George Harrison, the scouse of distinction.

Excuse me, madame.

Excuse me, but these young men I'm sitting with...

wondered if two of us could come over and join you.

I'd ask you meself, only I'm shy.

I'm sorry, miss. You mustn't fraternize with me prisoners.

- Prisoners? - Convicts in transit.

- Typical old lags, the lot of them. - You what?

Get out, ladies! Get out while you can!

He's been gone a long time.

- Who? - Paul's grandfather.

I didn't notice. Where'd he go?

- Down the, uh - - Oh, down the, uh -

- Yeah, down the, uh - - Well, give him a couple of minutes then.

Hey, have you seen Paul's grandfather?

Of course. He's concealed about me person.

No. He must've slipped off somewhere.

- Have you lost him? - Now don't exaggerate.

- You've lost him! - Look.

Put it this way, Pauly - he's mislaid him.

Honest, you can't trust you with anything, Norm.

- If you've lost him, I'll cripple ya. - He can't have got far.

Come out. Let's look up the sharp end.

What's the matter with you then?

It's his grandfather.

I can tell he doesn't like me. It's 'cause I'm little.

You've got an inferiority complex, you have.

Yeah, I know. That's why I play the drums.

It's me active compensatory factor.

Goin' in then?

No, she'll only reject me in the end, and I'll be frustrated.

You never know. You may be lucky this time.

No, I know the psychological pattern. It plays havoc with me drum skins.

Excuse me. Have you seen that little old man we were with?

We've broken out! Ah, the blessed freedom of it all!

Have you got a nail file? These handcuffs are killing me.

I was framed! I'm innocent! I don't want to go!

Sorry for disturbing you, girls.

I bet you can't guess what I was in for.

Should we go in here?

No, it's probably a honeymoon couple...

or a company director or something.

Well, I don't care. I'm gonna broaden me outlook.

Congratulate me, boys. I'm engaged.

Oh, no, you're not. Not this time.

And to think me own grandson would've let them put me behind bars.

Don't dramatize. Let's face it, you're lucky to be here.

If they'd have had their own way, you would've been dropped off already.

You've got to admit you upset a lot of people.

At least I can keep my eye on you while you're stuck in here.

Shove up.

- Odds or evens? - Odds.

Don't worry, son. We'll get you the best lawyer Green Stamps can buy.

Oh! It's a laugh a line with Lennon. Anyway, it's your fault.

- Why me? - Why not you?

God, it's depressing in here, isn't it?

Funny. They usually reckon dogs more than people in England.

You'd expect something more palatial.

- Let's do somethin' then. - Like what?

Okay.

Cor! There's the girls.

I'll deal 'em.

Aye, aye. The Liverpool shuffle.

He's wearin' his lucky rings.

- All mine. - It won't buy you happiness, my son.

Hey! Don't move, any of you.

They've gone potty out there. The place is surging with girls.

Please, sir. Sir, can I have one to surge with, sir? Please, sir.

No, you can't. Now listen.

As soon as I tell you, get out through this door here...

into that big car that's waiting.

Come out, lads. Come out!

- I don't snore. - You do, repeatedly.

- Do I snore, John? - Yeah. You're a window rattler, son.

That's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul?

With a trombone hooter like yours, it would be unnatural if you didn't.

Now, Pauly, don't mock the afflicted.

Come off it. It's only a joke.

Ah, it may be a joke, but it's his nose.

He can't help havin' a hideous great hooter...

and the poor little head tremblin' under the weight of it.

John, Paul, George, come out. Get at it.

Hello. The income tax have caught up with us at last.

- None for me then? - Sorry.

- This will keep you busy. - It's your nose, you know.

Fans are funny that way. They take a dislike to things.

- They'll pick on a nose. - Aw, you pick on your own.

- Hey, here. - Those yours?

No, they're for Ringo.

Must've cost you a fortune in stamps, Ringo.

- He comes from a large family. - Well?

What's Le Circle Club?

“The management of Le Cirque Club takes pleasure in requesting...

the company of Mr. Richard Starkey' - That's you.

'To their gaming rooms - chemin de fer, baccarat and champagne buffet."

- They want me? - It's got round you're a big spender.

- Well, you're not goin'. - Aw.

Quite right. Invites to gamblin' dens full of easy money and fast women...

chicken sandwiches and comets of caviar.

- Disgustin'. - That's mine.

- Come out, you lot. Get your pens out. - Why?

It's homework time for you load of college puddings.

I want this lot answered tonight.

- I want to go out. - Now, I'll brook no denial.

You couldn't get a pen in your foot, you swine.

Ooh. Chatter on, son. Chatter on.

A touch of the writer's cramp will soon sort you out.

Come out, Shake.

- Ta-ra then. - See ya.

Where are you goin' then?

He told us to stay, didn't he?

- Come out! - What -

Couldn't we get a taxi?

No, we couldn't get a taxi.

Come in.

- I'll clear up, sir. - Yeah.

Banco.

- Banco. - Suivais.

Banco.

Suivais.

Alors, monsieur.

Soufflé.

I bet you're a great swimmer.

My turn?

Bingo.

Pas “bingo,” monsieur, “Banco,”.

Ah, I'll take the little darlings anyway.

Two and one is three, carry one is four.

Huff...

et sept.

Bingo.

The manager.

Now, come out, you lot. Get on with it.

- We were gonna do 'em, but - - Aye. Well, now. Now. Now.

Hey, any of you lot put a man in the cupboard?

- A man? - Don't be soft.

Well, somebody did.

- He's right, you know. - There you go.

Hey, uh -

Hey, what's all this?

- Oh, him. He's been lurking. - He looks a right lurker, doesn't he?

You're undressed. Where are your clothes?

The old gentleman, he borrowed them to go gambling at Le Cirque.

- He's gone to my club, has he? - Yeah! It's all your fault.

- What? - Gettin' invites to gambling clubs and all that.

He's probably in the middle of some orgy by now.

An orgy'? Orgy!

- But-But-But what about me? - You're too old.

Encore de champagne, monsieur?

Oh, yeah. And I'll have some more champagne as well.

Lord John McCartney - millionaire Irish peer.

- Filthy rich, of course. - Oh, I don't know.

He looks quite clean to me.

Come out, you lot. Try to act with a bit of decorum.

This is a posh place.

We know how to behave. We've had lessons.

I'm sorry, sir. Members and invited guests only.

- Aye. Well, uh - - Oh, yes.

I'm with them. I'm Ringo's sister.

Excuse me. Have you got a little old man here?

- Do you mean Lord McCartney? - Oh, he's at it again.

- Look, I'm his grandfather. I mean - - Get him.

- It must be the dolly floor show! - Let's go.

Put me down! Who are these ruffians? I never saw them before in me life.

Before you go, gentlemen, there's a little matter of the bill.

I'll take care of that.

180 pounds?

I beg your pardon. Guineas.

Your winnings, milord - £190.

- What about me change? - Cloak room charge.

Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.

Well?

Guten Morgen, Mein Herr.

Konnen Sie noch ein Tee habes?

Ah, die filthy Englander, Guten Morgen.

Keep Britain tiny.

- Aw, go on, George. - Don't be ridiculous.

But you said I could.

Honestly, me mind boggles at the very idea.

A grown man, and you haven't shaved with a safety razor.

It's not my fault. I come from a long line of electricians.

Well, you're not practicing on me.

All right then. But show us.

Oh, come on then.

Put your tongue away.

It looks disgusting hanging there all pink and naked.

One slip of the razor, and -

Helf mich! Hilfe uns! Help me!

Help!

Torpedoed again, eh?

Come on, lads. There's a car waiting to take you to the studio.

- Hey, where's John? - In the bath.

All right, Lennon, let's have you.

Come on, John. Stop larking about.

John? John?

John? John?

What are you messing around with that boat for?

There's a car waiting. Come on.

Ready, John? As soon as we draw up, open that door and straight in.

- Can't keep them waiting much longer. - I knew they'd be late.

Oh, here they are. Boys, come on. Your press conference is waiting upstairs.

Where have you been? It's your press conference we're arranging.

Give us a couple of shakes to get our breath, will you?

Give us a shout when it's over.

Hey, I've got a suit just like him, you know.

- Ringo - - I think they've been taken hostages.

I don't like the handkerchief. I always have the handkerchief in me trouser pocket.

- You can't blow your nose on it up there, can you, mister? - No, you can't. No.

John! John! Come on, John.

Just hold it steady a minute.

Your opinion about highbrow music.

I've always liked that question.

I never noticed his nose till about six months ago.

And me mother asked me before we left for America...

if we wanted any sandwiches.

Well, when I plugged her in, she just blew up.

Tell me. How did you find America?

Turn left at Greenland.

- Has success changed your life? - Yes,

I'd like to keep Britain tidy.

Are you a mod or a rocker?

Um, no, I'm a mocker.

Have you any hobbies?

No. Actually, we're just good friends.

Do you think these haircuts have come to stay?

Well, this one has, you know. It's stuck on good and proper now.

It's frightfully nice.

What would you call that hairstyle you're wearing?

Arthur.

No. Actually, we're just good friends.

Yours are brown, aren't they?

- What do you call that collar? - Oh.

- A collar. - Oh.

Do you often see your father?

No. Actually, we're just good friends.

How do you like your girlfriends to dress?

Are you listening now? I wonder if you could give me a few seconds -

- That was a drag, that was, hey? - I'm starving.

Didn't even get a jam butty, did you?

Anything left?

We just finished, Pauly.

Hey, George, give us your John Henry on that picture.

- Hey, look at that. - What's that?

Is that our set down there?

- Shall we go down, have a go? - Yeah, come on.

- Trees and everything. - That's a lot of fellas for one set.

- That's not a tree. - It is.

Look, it's a bird.

Just passing through like.

- Where are they? - On the stage, down here.

Leave them drums alone.

Oh, surely, I could just have a little touch.

You so much as breathe heavy on them and I'm out on strike.

Aren't you being rather arbitrary?

There you go, hiding behind a smoke screen of bourgeois clichés.

I don't go messing about with your earphones, do I?

- Spoilsport. - Well?

He's very fussy about his drums, you know.

They loom large in his legend.

- What's up? - Oh, he's sulking again.

I'll show him.

Pardon, pardon. Excuse. Pardon me.

- I'd like more drums there. - No. I think it's on that-

- It sounds like a - - On the third bit.

- You know, on the third bit. - Third bit, more bang.

Right. Let's hear no more about it. You're probably right.

Now, look, if you think I'm unsuitable, let's have it out in the open.

I can't stand these backstage politics.

Aren't you tending to black-and-white the situation somewhat?

Well, quite honestly, I wasn't expecting a musical arranger...

to question my ability picturewise.

I could listen to him for hours.

What's all this about a musical arranger?

Mr. McCartney Senior.

Hey, Pauly, they're trying to fob you off with this musical charlatan...

but I gave him the test.

I'm quite happy to be replaced.

He's a typical buck passer.

- I won an award. - A likely story.

It's on the wall in my office.

Hello, our lot. Everybody happy?

All right, all right.

If you don't need them, I'll lock them up in the dressing room.

Please do. I'll not need them for half an hour.

Thank you.

Get me a bottle of milk and some tranquilizers.

I see it all now. It's a plot.

A plot.

Tranquilizers.

Come out, you lot. I've got the key.

Come out, Ringo.

- Hello. - Come on.

Leslie Jackson?

I saw your father in the old Empire in 1909.

Ah, if you're as good as him, son, you're all right.

Gear costume.

- Swap? - Cheeky.

Come out, lads. First door, and no messing about.

Lennon, put them girls down, or I'll tell your mother of you.

And stop messing about. Stay in here until that rehearsal.

I'm going to keep you in even if I have to put the lock in the key and turn it.

We're out!

Hey!

I suppose you realize this is private property.

Sorry we hurt your field, mister.

Not here. Hello, Dicky.

Probably gone to the canteen. Cup of tea like.

No, that's too easy for Lennon.

He's out there somewhere...

causing trouble just to upset me.

You're imagining it, Norm. You're letting it prey on your mind.

No. This is a battle of nerves between John and me.

- But John hasn't got any. - What?

- Nerves. - No.

That's just the trouble.

I've toyed with the idea of a ball and chain...

but he'd just rattle them at me, and in public too.

Sometimes I think he enjoys seeing me suffer.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Wait a minute. Don't tell me. - No, I'm not.

- Oh, you are. - I'm not.

- Oh, you are. I know you are. - I'm not. No.

- You look just like him. - Do I?

You're the first one that's said that ever.

Yes, you do. Look.

- No. Me eyes are lighter. - Excuse me.

All right, Noddy.

- Me nose. - Oh, yes. Yes, your nose is very -

- Is it? - Well, I would've said so.

- Oh, you know him better though. - I do not.

- He's only a casual acquaintance. - That's what you say.

What have you heard?

- It's all over the place. - Ls it? Is it really?

Mmm, but I wouldn't have it. I stuck up for you.

- I knew I could rely on you. - Thanks.

You don't look like him at all.

She looks more like him than I do.

There will be a full rehearsal in 10 minutes time.

Ten minutes from now, a full rehearsal.

- Oh, there you are. - Oh, sorry. Must've made a mistake.

- No, you haven't. You're just late. - I am?

Actually, I think he'll be very pleased with you.

- Will he? - Yes. You're quite a feather in the cap.

Hello? I've got one.

Oh, I think so.

Yes, he can talk.

No, and I think you ought to see him.

Yes. All right.

- Come on. - Sorry.

You don't see many of these nowadays, do you?

Come on.

Simon, will this do?

Oh, not bad, Dolly. Not really bad.

Turn around, chicky baby.

Oh, yes, he's a definite poss.

He'll look good alongside Susan. All right, Sonny Jim.

This is all going to be quite painless. Don't breathe on me, Adrian.

I'm terribly sorry, but there seems to be some sort of misunderstanding.

Oh, you can come off it with us.

You don't have to do the old adenoidal glottal stop and carry on for our benefit.

I'm afraid I don't understand.

Oh, my God. He's a natural.

Well, I did tell them not to send us real ones.

They ought to know by now. The phonies are much easier to handle.

Still, he's a good type-

We'd like you to give us your opinion on some clothes for teenagers.

Oh, by all means. I'd be quite prepared for that eventuality.

Well, not your real opinion naturally. It'll be written out, and you'll learn it.

- Can he read? - Of course I can.

I mean lines, ducky. Can you handle lines?

- Well, I'll have a bash. - Good.

Give him whatever it is they drink - a coke-a-rama?

Ta.

Well, at least he's polite. Show him the shirts, Adrian.

Now, you'll like these. You'll really dig them.

They're fab and all the other pimply hyperboles.

I wouldn't be seen dead in them. They're dead grotty.

- Grotty? - Yeah, grotesque.

Make a note of that word and give it to Susan.

It's rather touching really.

Here's this kid trying to give me his utterly valueless opinion...

when I know for a fact that within a month...

he'll be suffering from a violent inferiority complex and loss of status...

because he isn't wearing one of these nasty things.

Of course they're grotty, you wretched nit.

That's why they were designed, but that's what you'll want.

I won't.

- You can be replaced, chicky baby. - I don't care.

And that pose is out too, Sonny Jim.

The new thing is to care passionately and be right wing.

Anyway, if you don't cooperate, you won't meet Susan.

And who's this Susan when she's at home?

Only Susan Campy, our resident teenager.

You'll have to love her. She's your symbol.

Oh, you mean that posh bird who gets everything wrong?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, yeah. The lads frequently sit round the television and watch her for a giggle.

In fact, once we all sat down and wrote these letters...

saying how gear she was and all that rubbish.

Shes a trendsetter. It's her profession.

She's a drag - a well-known drag.

We turn the sound down on her and say rude things.

- Get him out of here. - Have I said something amiss?

Get him out. He's knocking the program's image.

- Sorry about the shirts. - Get him out!

You don't think he's a new phenomenon, do you?

You mean an early clue to the new direction?

Where's the calendar?

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's all right. He's just a troublemaker.

The change isn't due for three weeks yet.

All the same, make a note not to extend Susan's contract.

And let's not take any unnecessary chances, hmm?

So I explained to my mother he was a very clean man.

She was quite pleased.

- There's no one here. - No one here?

Well, where have they gone?

That's wrong, isn't it? Surely that's wrong. No, not you.

Get him out!

Someone coming. Quick, hide.

- Stop being taller than me. - It's not my fau -

- What are you doing here? - Hiding.

- You must be soft or something. - Well, we weren't hiding. We were resting.

- I thought I told you lot to stop here. - Well?

Well, when I say stay put, I mean stay put.

Don't cane me, sir. I was led astray.

Oh, shut up, John. They're waiting for you in the studio.

- Gear. I'm dying to do a bit of work. - Oh, God bless you, Ringo.

- Oh, listen to teacher's pet. - Crawler.

- Betrayed the class, eh? - Aw, lay off.

- Temper, temper. - Well?

Will you get a move on! They're waiting for you.

Sorry.

I now declare this bridge open.

Where are they, hmm?

Where are they?

- Where are they? - They're coming.

They're coming, I promise you.

Ah, yes. Well...

if they aren't on this floor in 30 seconds, there'll be trouble.

Understand me? Trouble.

- Standing about, eh? - Some people have it dead easy.

Once you're over 30, you're past it.

It's a young man's medium. I just can't stand the pace.

- Oh, as young as that then? - I was.

Ah, there he goes. Look at him.

I bet his wife doesn't know about her.

I bet he hasn't even got a wife. Look at his sweater,

You never know. She might've knitted it.

She's knitted him.

Right. Stand by.

Run through your number and try not to jiggle out of position.

Hello, three? Coming to you.

Three. Three, coming to you. Three.

- We're on three. - What?

- We're on three. - Oh' yes.

Uh, music.

Thank you. Very nice.

- Makeup? - No, not really. They don't need any.

- We'll just powder them off for the shine. - Oh, well, yes.

Norm, would you take them down to makeup and powder them off -the shine, you know.

Sure.

- You blinked. - Come on. Come here.

Hello, lads. Hey, your grandfathers not talking to me.

- I think he's got a sulk on. - It must be catching on.

- He's given it to Ringo here. - Stop picking on him, George.

I don't need you to protect me, you know, Norm.

- Got a touch of the swine fever, haven't you? - Come on, lads. Sit down.

This is impossible. We'll never get them all done in time.

You'll have to do us first. It doesn't matter to them whether they're made up or not.

And by the way, what's that?

My name's Betty.

Do you want a punch up your frogged tunic?

- No. - John, behave yourself, or I'll murder you.

Shake, take that wig off. It suits you.

- Ringo, what are you up to? - Page five.

You always fancied yourself as a guardsman, didn't you?

“Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt."

Zap!

Hey. You won't interfere with the basic rugged concept...

of me personality, will you, madam?

Hey, he's reading The Queen, That's an in-joke, you know.

Shazam!

It's my considered opinion that you're a bunch of sissies.

- You're just jealous. - Leave him alone, Lennon...

or I'll tell them all the truth about you.

- You wouldn't. - Oh, I would though.

Lookit. I thought I was supposed to be getting a change of scenery...

and, so far, I've been in a train and a room...

and a car and a room and a room and a room.

Well, maybe that's all right for a bunch of powdered geegaws like you lot...

but I'm feeling decidedly straitjacketed.

What a clean old man.

- Don't press your luck. - He's sex obsessed.

The older generation are leading this country to galloping ruin.

What's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?

They're nearly ready for you, lads. Just finishing the band call.

I say, did you go to Harrods?

I was there in '58, you know.

- I can get you on the stage. - Oh, how?

You turn right here at the corridor and go past the fireplace... Come on, lads. Off you go.

Ah, I don't like yours.

Hey, kids, I got an idea.

Why don't we do the show right here? Yeah!

Two, three, four.

Oh. Very good that, George.

Well, we're trying.

Yeah, keep trying. Let's go. Go on.

That was great, lads. Now...

you've got about an hour, but don't leave the theater.

- Where are you going, John? - Shes gonna show me her stamp collection.

- So's mine. - Oh, but I haven't got any stamps.

John, I'm talking to you. This final run-through is important, understand?

Important.

- I want a cup of tea. - Uh, Shake?

Um, I've got to adjust the decibels on the imbalance, Norm.

Clever. George?

Ringo, look after him, will ya?

- Oh, hey, Norm. - Do I have to raise my voice?

All right. Come on, granddad.

I'm a drummer, not a wet nurse, you know.

Why does it have to be me?

Would you look at him, sitting there with his hooter scraping away at that book.

Well, what's the matter with that?

Have you no natural resources of your own?

Have they even robbed you of that?

Well, you can learn from books.

You can, can ya?

Sheep's heads.

You could learn more by getting out there and living.

- Out where? - Any old where.

But not our little Richard. Oh, no.

When you're not thumping them pagan skins...

you're tormenting your eyes with that rubbish.

- Books are good. - Parading's better.

Parading?

Aye.

Parading the streets...

trailing your coat, bowling along - living!

- Well, I am living. - You? Living'?

When was the last time you gave a girl a pink-edged daisy?

When did you last embarrass a sheila...

with your cool appraising stare?

You're a bit old for that son of chat, aren't you?

Well, at least I've got a backlog of memories.

All you've got is that book.

Ah, stop picking on me. You're as bad as the rest of them.

Ah, so you are a man after all.

What's that mean?

Do you think I haven't noticed?

Do you think I wasn't aware of the drift?

Ah, you poor, unfortunate scruff.

They've driven you into books with their cruel, unnatural treatment...

exploiting your good nature.

I don't know.

Ah, sure, that lot's never happy unless they're jeering you.

And where would they be without the steady support of your drumbeat?

That's what I'd like to know.

Yeah. That's right.

And what's it all come to in the end?

Yeah. What's in it for me?

A book.

- Yeah, a bloomin' book. - When you could be out there...

betraying a rich American widow...

or sipping palm wine in Tahiti before you're too old like me.

Yeah, funny, really, 'cause I never thought...

but being middle-aged and old takes up most of your time, doesn't it?

You're only right.

- Where you going? - I'm going parading before it's too late.

Hey, Ringo, you know what just happened to me?

No, I don't.

You ought to stop looking so scornful. It's Misting your face.

Tell him of the story about -

Hello, here he is, the middle-aged boy wonder.

Hey, I thought you were looking after the old man.

We've only got about a half an hour to the final run-through. He can't walk out on us now.

Can't he? He's done it, son.

- Hey, you know what happened? - We know.

Your grandfather- he's stirred him up.

- He hasn't. - Yeah, he -

he filled his head with notions seemingly.

The old mixer. Come on. We'll have to put him right.

Can we have all dancers onstage for rehearsal, please.

Split up and look for him.

We've become a limited company.

I'll look in here again.

- Hello, there. - Get out of it, shorty.

Hey, you should have more sense than to go around chucking bricks about.

Southerner.

Here, mate. That's my hoop. Stop playing with it.

Hoop? That isn't a hoop. It's a lethal weapon. Have you got a license for it'?

Oh, don't be so stroppy.

Well, a boy your age rolling hoops at people. How old are you anyway'?

- Eleven. - I bet you're only 10 1/2.

10 2/3.

There you are, then, and don't be rolling at people.

Oh, you can have it. I'm packing it in. It depresses me.

- You what? - You heard. It gets on me wick.

That's lovely talk, that is. And why aren't you at school?

- I'm a deserter. - Are you now?

- Yeah, I've blown school out. - Just you?

No, Ginger, Eddy Fallon and Ding Dong.

- Oh, Ding Dong bell, eh? - Yeah, that's right.

They were supposed to come with us, but they chickened.

- Yeah? They're your mates, are they? - Yeah.

- Not much cop without 'em, is it? - Oh, it's all right.

Yeah'? What are they like?

Ginger's mad. He says things all the time.

And Eddy's good at spitting and punching.

- Yeah? How about Ding Dong? - Oh, he's a bighead. He fancies himself.

You know. It's all right, though, 'cause he's one of the gang.

- Why aren't you at work? - I'm a deserter too.

Hey, Charlie!

See ya!

Come in, number seven. Your time's up.

I'm sorry, boys. I didn't mean it, honest.

If he says that again, I'll strike him.

Oh, don't worry. They're good lads. They'll be back.

Yes, well, we've only 20 minutes to the final run-through.

I meant no harm.

I was only trying to encourage little Ringo to enjoy himself.

God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South.

It'll be wine, women and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

That was fresh this morning. Two and nine.

Right. On your way.

- You what? - You heard. On your way.

Troublemaker!

Hey, watch it.

- Shake. - What?

Worry. Will ya?

Well, that's it. Two minutes to the final run-through.

- They're bound to miss it now. - I'll murder that Lennon,

Still, we could survive a missed run-through as long as they -

As long as they end up for the show? You're right there.

- I mean, it wouldn't do to miss the show like, would it? - Shut up, cheerful.

You don't think - Ah - Oh. Oh, no.

- Now look. Don't worry. - They can't do this to me, no.

It's all your fault. Oh, yes, it is.

If they don't turn up, I wouldn't be in your shoes for all the -

For all the tea in China. No, you're right there. Neither would I.

- You dirty traitor. - Well, of course.

Yes, of course.

- Hello. - Hi, Jo - John!

- Did you want something? - Oh, I could eat the lot of you.

You'd look great with an apple in your gob.

Do you realize you could have missed the final run-through?

- Oh, we're sorry about that. - Norm. There's only three of 'em.

Oh, we were looking for Ringo, but we realized he must've come back here.

Well, do you realize that we are on the air live...

in front of an audience in 45 minutes and you're one short?

Control yourself, or you'll spurt. He must be here somewhere.

Aye, well, we'll look in the dressing room. Shake.

Yes, to the dressing rooms.

- Hey, where's my grandfather? - Don't worry about him, Paul.

- He can look after himself. - I suppose so.

Personally signed and handwritten by your own sweet boys.

The chance of a lifetime!

Be the envy of your less fortunate sisters!

Get back! Oh, me bones.

All right now. Come on. Break it up. Break it up. Move on.

Hey, what's going on here? Right, move over. Move over.

- Come on, move along. - Here you are.

- Why don't you go. - You're making a disturbance.

- Will you just move along now. - They'll lake you apart if you stand here.

Now come along with us. There's a good fellow.

I'll have the law on ya! Aaah! Me arm!

Thank you.

Gotcha, you nasty little person, you!

You what? Who?

I'm Ringo Starr. I've got a show to do. I'm on in a few minutes.

You've gotta let me go. I'm Ringo.

Yeah, that's what they all say these days. Look, I don't care who you are.

You can save that for the stipendiary. Here you are, Sarge.

- All right. What is he? - Yeah, I got a little list here.

Wandering abroad, malicious intent, acting in a suspicious manner...

conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace.

- You name it, he's done it. - Oh, a little savage, is he?

- Yeah, a proper little aborigine. - I demand to see my solicitor.

What's his name?

Well, if you're gonna get technical about it.

- Dragging me through the streets! - Hello, it's gonna be one of those nights, is it?

Sit Charlie Peace down over there, will ya?

Well, you got me here, so do your worst...

but, by God, I'll take one of you with me.

I know your game!

Get me into that tiled room and then out come the rubber hoses.

Oh, there's a fire, is there?

You ugly great brute.

You have sadism stamped all over your bloated British kisser.

I'll go on hunger strike.

I know your caper.

The kidney punch and the rabbit clout.

The third degree and the size 12 boot ankle tap.

What's he on about?

I'm a soldier of the Republic.

You'll need the mahogany truncheon on this boyo.

Oh, get Lloyd George over there next to the mechanic in the cloth cap...

while I sort this lot out, will ya?

Come on, dad. Sit down over here.

Ringo, me old scout!

So they've grabbed your leg for the iron too, have they?

- I'm not exactly a voluntary patient. - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

- Have they roughed you up yet? - What?

Oh, they're a desperate crew of drippings...

and they've fists like matured hams...

for pounding poor defenseless lads like you.

- Right, and that's it, eh? - One of us has got to escape.

I'll get the boys.

- Hold on, son. I'll be back for you. - For me?

If they get you on the floor, watch out for your brisket.

They seem all right to me.

Ah, sure, that's what they want you to think.

All coppers are villains.

Would you two like a cup of tea?

You see? Sly villains.

Um, no, thank you, Mr. Sergeant, sir. No, not for me. Please don't.

So you just brought the old chap out of the crowd for his own good, eh?

Well, he was getting a bit nasty, you see, so we had to bring him in.

Yeah, well, he can't stop here.

This is the stuff he'd been hawking around, eh?

- Yes, Sarge. Photographs. - Photographs.

Well, son, it's now or never.

All right, you paid assassins!

Johnny McCartney will give you a run for your threepence halfpenny!

Hey, you forgot your photographs!

Only half an hour, and you're on.

- Can I say something? - Yes. Anything.

It seems highly unlikely we'll be on.

I mean, the law of averages are against it.

I think if you could get the juggler on with a couple more clubs...

that would fill in a bit of time.

[ Big Band instrumental ]

I'll have the hides off of you lot.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Go home.

- I must see Pauly. - Go home, then, and see him on the telly.

- Can you fix him for me? - Yeah.

Sixpence.

- Each. - In advance.

Mercenaries.

It's all right. Leave him alone.

Paul! Where are you? I'm -

Granddad. Where's Ringo?

The police have the poor, unfortunate lad in the bridewell.

- The police station. - He'll be pulp by now.

Go get him!

- We'll get him out. - We'll fix it, Norm.

We've only got 20 minutes.

What is all this?

Hold on.

Ah, and you all right now?

Yeah.

Let's see.

Quick! Follow them!

I had to laugh even when they kicked the stool away.

Lads! Lads! You're back! Thank goodness. Where's Ringo?

- There he is. We got him. - Great, great, great.

You don't know what this means to me.

If you hadn't come back, it would have meant...

the epilogue or the news in Welsh for life.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be in that box'?

- Yeah, where's the old mixer'? - Here, Pauly.

Got a few words to say to you, two-faced John McCartney.

Aw, leave him alone. He's back, isn't he? It's not his fault he's old.

What's old got to do with it? He's a troublemaker and a mixer.

That's good enough for me.

You're right. But he's only asking for attention, aren't you?

You see, you know your trouble?

You should've gone west to America.

You would've been a senior citizen of Boston.

But you took a wrong turn, and what happened?

- You're a lonely old man from Liverpool. - But I'm clean.

Are ya?

- Hey, Norm. - What?

- I've been thinking. It's not my fault. - What isn't?

I'm not taller than you are. You're smaller than I am.

Anyone at home?

Hey, Shake, where's me boot?

Will you get us some tea while you're there?

- All right, George. - Ta.

- Come on, lads. Get changed. - Go on, get some tea. We're on in a minute.

You want a cheese butty, Paul?

Now I've gut the stuff. Come out, lads.

- Aren't we going - - No, we're not.

The office has been on the phone and think it's best if we push on to Wolverhampton straightaway.

- Tonight? We'll never make it. - You've got a midnight matinee.

Aye, Norm!

There's only one thing I've gotta say to you, John Lennon.

- What? - You're a swine.

Come on! You're hanging up the parade!

Get rid of those things!