Original subtitles

[WRITING] IT'S NOT EASY BEING SINGLE IN NEW YORK CITY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE AN ALIEN VISITING FROM A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

UH-OH. THAT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

BUT THERE'S NOTHING A LITTLE SUCCESS OR A LOT OF SEX CAN'T FIX.

TAKE DICK FOR EXAMPLE.

FINDING HIS JOB SHALLOW AND UNREWARDING,

HE WAS READY TO LOAD THE POCKETS OF HIS CUSTOM-TAILORED SUIT

WITH ROCKS AND JUMP INTO THE EAST RIVER.

OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THOSE SHOES.

THEN HE WALKED INTO A DIVE ON 48th

WHERE PEOPLE ORDER DRINKS ON THE ROCKS.

THERE HE FOUND HIS TRUE LOVE,

AND THAT ROCKS.

I'M A LAWYER.

WHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN,

TOMMY WAS A BIG SUCCESS ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

HIS HEAD WAS AS BIG AS THE STATUE OF LIBERTY'S,

ONLY THERE WEREN'T ANY TOURISTS INSIDE HIS FACE.

AND HARRY, EITHER THROUGH SHEER DETERMINATION

OR SHEER STUPIDITY,

WAS CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF HIS GAME

AS A NETWORK EXECUTIVE.

WHY DON'T WE MAKE ONE NIGHT WILL, ONE NIGHT GRACE.

AS FOR ME, I'VE HEARD IT SAID YOU CAN'T FIGHT CITY HALL.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE OR NOT.

I JUST NEEDED A SEGUE INTO "I'M SLEEPING WITH THE MAYOR."

* ROMANCE IS MUSH

* STIFLING THOSE WHO STRIVE *

* I LIVE A LUSH LIFE

* IN SOME SMALL DIVE

* AND THERE I'LL BE

* WHILE I ROT WITH THE REST *

* OF THOSE WHOSE LIVES ARE LONELY *

* TOO

OH, MARY.

OHH, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

MUCH MORE UPBEAT THAN USUAL.

SWEETIE, I'M HURRYING.

THESE BOOTS ARE SUPER HIGH,

PLUS THEY'RE REALLY TIGHT, YOU KNOW?

JUST PUT IT DOWN, WOULD YA, HONEY?

ALL RIGHT.

DON, I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT THIS PLACE

IS A TOTAL WASTE OF MY OUTFIT.

AS LONG AS I CAN SEE IT, WHAT ELSE MATTERS?

YOU ARE SUCH A DOLL.

LET'S GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T.

OF COURSE I DO.

UM, TOMMY.

HEY DARREL, WHAT'S UP?

UM, NOTHING I JUST SAW ANNA OUT IN THE HALLWAY

SHE'S CRYING HER EYES OUT, WHAT HAPPENED?

YEAH, I BROKE UP WITH HER.

OH. I'M SORRY.

WELL, I WAS CHOMPING AT THE BITCH

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SURE. SURE

YOU KNOW, TOMMY

IT'S REALLY FUNNY HOW QUICKLY YOU GUYS HIT IT OFF

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET ANNA TO GO OUT WITH ME FOR YEARS

AND SHE JUST NEVER WOULD

AND SHE NEVER WILL, MAN.

CAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHO THE REAL DARRELL HAMMOND IS

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU HIDE BEHIND YOUR IMPRESSIONS MAN

WITH ALL YOUR WIGS, FUNNY VOICES

SHE SEES THE MASK, SHE DOESN'T SEE THE MAN

WOAH.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,

WHAT'RE YOU DOING ON UPDATE THIS WEEK?

I WAS GONNA DO SEAN CONNERY TALKING ABOUT

HOW IT FEELS TO BE A SENIOR CITIZEN

YEAH, WELL WHY DON'T YOU DO DARREL HAMMOND?

TALKING ABOUT WHAT IT FEELS TO BE...

TO BE DARREL HAMMOND

I'M BLIND.

TOMMY, I'VE BEEN BLIND

THANKS BUDDY

HEY.

THANK YOU

NO PROBLEM GUY

YOU KNOW I DON'T THINK IT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA

FOR YOU TO BE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME IN A SCENEY BAR LIKE THIS, MARY

MAYBE INSTEAD YOU SHOULD BE SINGING IN A BROADWAY SHOW

WHAT A GREAT IDEA.

BUT I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU, HANDSOME.

IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE I'LL BE JOINING THE CAST OF CATS.

GOT BAD NEWS FOR YOU. MARY, CATS IS CLOSED.

DAMN, THAT WAS FAST.

BUT HERE. I'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT'LL CHEER YOU UP.

WHOO. SAKS.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS.

OH, PLEASE ACCEPT IT.

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT NOT ACCEPTING IT.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THE SALESLADY CALLED IT A COCKTAIL DRESS.

I THOUGHT YOU'D GET A LOT OF USE OUT OF IT

WHY DON'T YOU PUT IT ON?

I'VE PLANNED A WONDERFUL EVENING FOR US

STARTING WITH DINNER FOR TWO AT THE RAINBOW ROOM

WELL, WHY DON'T WE STAY HERE?

I'LL PUT ON THE DRESS, WE CAN SIT AT THE BAR

AND YOU CAN WATCH ME DRINK

Sally: OK, SO UM,

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO ANY PLACE ELSE

BUT BEAR WITH ME HERE.

WHAT IF WE DID?

WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

OH, I KNOW, BUT TELL ME ANYWAY.

WELL, YOU-KNOW-WHO WOULD HAVE MY ASS IN A SLING.

HO HO, OH, YEAH. I KNOW.

WHO?

THE WIFE.

OF COURSE. YOUR WIFE.

YOU'RE MARRIED?

SIMMER DOWN.

MY GOD. YOU'RE MARRIED.

THIS IS SO NOT GOOD.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU'VE BEEN OK WITH THIS ARRANGEMENT FOR YEARS.

[WHISPERS] I have?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'D DO THAT. I AM OUTTA HERE.

COME ON. BABY, BABY, BABY.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE ONE.

I'M GONNA DIVORCE HER.

I JUST NEED A LITTLE TIME.

OK.

SALLY.

DICK.

DON.

ALBRIGHT. KIKI.

DONNY.

MARY.

ISN'T THAT THE GUY WHO NORMALLY DOES THE IMPRESSIONS?

DARRELL. DARRELL HAMMOND.

YEAH. WHY ISN'T HE FUNNY?

IT'S SOME SORT OF EXPERIMENT.

HE WANTED TO IMPRESS ANA GASTEYER,

SO HE WAS GONNA TRY BEING HIMSELF.

AH. WELL, THAT'S A BIG MISTAKE, MAN.

I TOLD HIM.

MAN, THAT FELT SO GREAT.

TOMMY, THEY WERE REALLY LISTENING TO ME, WEREN'T THEY?

THEY WERE, MAN.

YEAH. THEY WERE LISTENING FOR SOME JOKES,

AND THEY WEREN'T QUITE HEARING THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO DO AN IMPERSONATION MYSELF.

YEAH. HERE'S YOU. "BOO HOO HOO. I'M DARRELL HAMMOND,

"AND I DON'T GOT A JOB NO MORE. BOO HOO HOO.

I'M GONNA SELL MY CHILD. BOO HOO HOO."

HI, TOMMY. HI, MR. SOLOMON.

DID YOU SEE DARRELL?

UM, YEAH. YEAH, SOME OF IT.

OH, AND THAT PART ABOUT ME BREAKING MY FOOT

ON MY SIXTH BIRTHDAY? THAT REALLY HAPPENED, MAN.

FACT IS SO MUCH STRANGER THAN FICTION.

STRANGER, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNIER.

HEY, GUYS, CHECK THIS OUT.

[AS SEAN CONNERY] COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME

WHERE I CAN FIND MISS PUSSY GALORE?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU DID SEAN CONNERY.

THAT'S GOOD. YOU OUGHT TO DO THAT ON THE SHOW.

CAN I OPEN MY EYES NOW?

NO, NO.

NOW JUST A--

JUST A FEW MORE STEPS.

OH, DICK, I'VE HAD MY EYES CLOSED

EVER SINCE THE OYSTER BAR.

WHAT WAS THAT CRUNCHY THING YOU MADE ME EAT?

I DON'T KNOW. I HAD MY EYES CLOSED, TOO.

OK...

YOU CAN LOOK NOW.

THE MANHATTAN SKYLINE.

HMM. GOT ANYTHING TO DRINK?

CHAMPAGNE?

I OPENED IT THIS MORNING SO THOSE ANNOYING LITTLE BUBBLES

WOULD HAVE A CHANCE TO DISPERSE.

GOOD THINKING.

CHEERS.

WOULD YOU, UH...

WOULD YOU CARE FOR AN HORS D'OEUVRE?

DUCK EGGS...

SALMON EGGS...

QUAIL EGGS...

EGGS...

ANYTHING YOU WANT.

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.

DICK, IF YOU'RE INTENT ON SPENDING MONEY ON ME,

I CAN THINK OF OTHER WAYS OF DOING IT.

WELL, LIKE HOW?

LIKE GIVING ME MONEY.

I'M SORRY. WAS THAT TOO BLUNT?

YES, BUT MONEY'S NOT IMPORTANT.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT WE LOVE EACH OTHER.

WHAT WE HAVE IS TRUE LOVE.

I CAN'T DO IT.

I CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANOTHER DELUDED GUY.

OH, NO. YOU'RE WRONG, MARY.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S DELUDED.

BECAUSE WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT,

WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.

OH, GOD!

I LOVE YOU, MARY.

OH, STOP TALKING ABOUT LOVE.

TRUE LOVE DOESN'T EXIST.

TRUE LOVE IS REAL...

AND POWERFUL AND WONDERFUL!

OH, DON'T YOU THINK I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE IN LOVE?!

LIFE WOULD BE A LOT SIMPLER IF I COULD.

THEN PRETEND.

HOW?

IT'S EASY.

[EMBRACEABLE YOU PLAYS]

COME HERE.

[DEEP BREATH]

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

[SNIFFING]

IS THAT PLATINUM?

OH!

OH, DONNY, THANK YOU, BABY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

ISN'T THERE SOME SORT OF RIOT IN THE BRONX?

YEAH.

GOOD THING WE DON'T LIVE UP THERE.

SALLY, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU

THAT WHEN MY WIFE ASKED ME WHY I WAS GONNA BE LATE AGAIN TONIGHT,

I DIDN'T LIE?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU TOLD HER YOU WANTED A DIVORCE?

NO, I TOLD HER TO SHUT UP.

UH, OK, YOU KNOW,

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'M STARTING TO FEEL REAL BAD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN DO THIS.

WELL, HANG IN THERE.

I'LL TELL MY WIFE AS SOON AS I'M OUT OF OFFICE.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU STEP DOWN AS MAYOR!

NOT MAYOR...

PRESIDENT.

I'M GOING FOR THE BIG ONE,

AND I WANT YOU RIGHT THERE BESIDE ME...

BEHIND THE SCENES...

OUT OF SIGHT.

THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, DON.

I MEAN, I WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE

AND SHARE TENDER MOMENTS.

I WANT TO BE YOUR SECRETARY OF DEFENSE.

WELL, LET'S SLOW DOWN AND RECONSIDER THIS IN THE SHOWER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT.

AH, SALLY.

NO, NO, NO, SERIOUSLY. IT'S OVER. GET OUT.

ONE LAST THING...

CAN I STILL COUNT ON YOUR VOTE?

OF COURSE. WE STILL AGREE ON THE ISSUES.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

JUST A MINUTE!

COME IN!

HEY, LOOK AT THAT PUTT I JUST MADE.

LOVELY. VERY NICE. YEAH.

MR. SOLOMON, YOUR NEPHEW IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

TOMMY! GOOD TO SEE YOU! YEAH.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO, MAN.

IT'S FUNNY. WE WORK IN THE SAME BUILDING.

I'VE NEVER BEEN UP TO YOUR OFFICE.

IT'S VERY NICE.

YEAH, WELL, LOTS OF ROOM TO PUTT IN.

SO, HEY, CAN I SIT IN YOUR CHAIR?

OH, PLEASE.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT STILL WARM.

AHH.

HEY, LOOK AT ME.

I'M HARRY SOLOMON, BIG PRESIDENT OF THE NETWORK.

LOOK AT ME. I'M TOMMY SOLOMON,

AND I'M A BIG STAR ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIV.

I MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS

LIKE WHERE TO PUTT IN MY OFFICE.

I GET PAID THE BIG BUCKS

JUST FOR GOING "WHOO, WHOO, WHOO."

WELL, I'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU, TOMMY SOLOMON.

YOUR EGO HAS GOTTEN TOO BIG.

YOU'RE DEMANDING TOO MUCH MONEY.

YOU'RE FIRED!

I A OUT OF CONTROL,

AND I DO WANT TOO MUCH MONEY.

YOU'RE FIRED!

YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, YOU PEON.

YOU'RE A LOWLY CAST MEMBER ON SNL.

NO, I'M HARRY NOW.

YOU'RE FIRED!

WHAT? YEAH. I MEAN IT.

YOU'RE REALLY FIRED. WHAT FOR?

WELL, FOR THE SAME REASONS THAT YOU JUST FIRED ME.

YOUR EGO'S TOO HUGE,

AND YOU WANT TOO MUCH MONEY.

WELL, I'M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE.

YOU'RE OFF THE SHOW!

I A THAT SHOW.

WAIT A SECOND. WHO ARE YOU NOW?

I'M ME.

WELL, THEN GET AWAY FROM MY DESK!

YOU'RE CONFUSING ME!

YOU LISTEN TO ME! LORNE MICHAELS IS MY BOSS!

HE CAN FIRE ME! YOU CAN'T!

OH? WELL, I'LL FIRE HIS SAD CANADIAN ASS, TOO!

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

BOY...

THIS IS DIFFERENT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

BEING HERE WITH ME?

NO. I MEAN,

I CAN ACTUALLY REMEMBER EVERYTHING I DID LAST NIGHT.

SO DO I. I FEEL WONDERFUL.

IN FACT, THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT I HAVE TO ASK YOU.

HMM?

WILL YOU--

WILL YOU MOVE IN WITH ME?

MOVE INTO THIS BEAUTIFUL LOFT?

YES.

WE CAN HAVE MOVERS BRING OVER ALL OF YOUR THINGS,

OR WE CAN JUST BURN THEM.

OK. WHAT THE HELL?

OH, YES!

YOU SEE, MARY, YOU SEE? HOW DOES IT FEEL NOW?

WHAT? TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME?

OH, LOOK.

I LIKE THE GERSHWIN AND THE EAGER-TO-PLEASE LOVEMAKING.

OH, WE WERE SO PASSIONATE.

YOU CALLED OUT MY NAME 3 TIMES.

"LARRY, LARRY, LARRY!"

OK, MAYBE IT'S NOT MY NAME, BUT THE PASSION!

I WAS PRETENDING.

YOU TOLD ME TO PRETEND, SO I PRETENDED.

BUT IT'LL TURN REAL. I KNOW IT WILL.

SORRY, DICK. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

LOVE, HAH!

MARY ALBRIGHT CAN'T FEEL LOVE ANYMORE.

YOU'RE SO DAMAGED!

THIS LIFE HAS BEEN SO HARD ON YOU.

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE YOU SEE

THAT WE WOULD BE PERFECT TOGETHER?

NO, DICK.

MAYBE IT WOULD'VE WORKED IN SOME OTHER TIME OR SOME OTHER PLACE.

WAIT.

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

NO, DICK.

MAYBE IT WOULD'VE WORKED IN SOME OTHER TIME--

OR SOME OTHER PLACE! I CAN DO THAT!

HERE. QUICK.

HERE, MARY, TAKE THIS.

COME ON, COME ON WITH ME.

WELL, YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL THE REST--

TOSSING ME OUT.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET ME GET DRESSED.

NO, NO, I STILL WANT YOU TO LIVE HERE, MARY.

GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE AND GET YOUR THINGS RIGHT NOW.

HERE, HERE'S SOME EXTRA CASH.

YOU CAN GET DRESSED IN THE CAB.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

ABSOLUTELY.

THIS IS YOUR HOME NOW.

I HOPE IT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

GOOD-BYE, KIKI.

BYE.

SALLY.

SALLY! WAKE UP!

WHAA? AAH. WHAT?

WE'RE LEAVING. I'M GOING HOME TO MARY.

WAIT A MINUTE, BUT SHE'S HERE--

NO. THIS MARY IS COLD AND SOULLESS,

AND ONLY WILLING TO DO ONE OR 2 MORE THINGS IN BED THAN THE OTHER ONE.

THE TRADE-OFF JUST ISN'T WORTH IT.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

MAYBE YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE UP ALL THIS NICE STUFF,

BUT I SURE AM NOT.

I MEAN, WHOEVER SAID THAT DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND

NEVER SAW THOSE BLACK PEARLS AT TIFFANY.

HEY, THAT SOUNDED GREAT.

WHERE'S MY LAPTOP?

FORGET THE LAPTOP!

I WOULD THINK THAT GIVEN WHAT'S HAPPENED,

YOU'D BE DYING TO SEE DON AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, AFTER MAYOR DON,

I JUST FEEL LIKE I'D SEEN A SIDE OF HIM I REALLY CAN'T TRUST.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE DON YOU LOVE--

THE ONE WHO WENT TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE

AND--AND WENT TO NIGHT SCHOOL TO BECOME A COP.

AND WHO WENT TO ANOTHER NIGHT SCHOOL

AFTER THAT ONE DIDN'T WORK OUT.

THE DON WHO WOULDN'T HURT A FLY

AND...THE DON WHO LOVES YOU.

I WISH THAT DON WAS HERE IN THIS APARTMENT.

MMM, NO KIDDING.

I'D ALMOST BE WILLING TO SHACK UP HERE

WITH NEW YORK MARY IF SHE WASN'T

SUCH A BIG BALL OF EMOTIONAL SCAR TISSUE.

WOW.

WE ARE GONNA SACRIFICE MONEY FOR LOVE.

WE'RE SO NOBLE!

I KNOW, I KNOW!

HOW MANY SHOES DO YOU THINK I CAN GET

THROUGH THAT PORTAL, HUH?

WELL, I'M OFF TO WORK. IS MY CAR HERE YET?

HARRY...

WE'RE GOING BACK TO RUTHERFORD.

WELL, HAVE A NICE TRIP. I THINK I LEFT THE IRON ON,

SO YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK.

NO, NO, NO. HARRY, UM...

YOU'RE COMING WITH US.

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

I HAVE GOT A NETWORK TO RUN!

LOOK, WE'RE NOT LEAVING YOU HERE ALONE.

I'M NOT ALONE. TOMMY'S HERE.

NO. HE WENT THROUGH THE PORTAL AFTER YOU FIRED HIM.

HARRY, YOU CAN'T BE A NETWORK PRESIDENT

ALONE IN MANHATTAN WITHOUT ADULT SUPERVISION.

STOP IT! YOU'RE TREATING ME

THE WAY YOU ALWAYS TREAT ME.

WELL, WE'RE IN NEW YORK NOW,

AND I'M RESPECTED HERE.

YOU GET HIS ARMS, I'LL GET HIS LEGS.

DUBCEK! I'VE GOT A SITUATION HERE.

SEND SECURITY TO THE LOFT!

[GRUNTS] W-WHAT?

WELL, THAT'S A SHOCKER.

MM-HMM. I SEE.

YEAH. WELL, GOOD LUCK.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

WHAT? I'VE BEEN REPLACED BY DUBCEK!

I'M SO SORRY, HARRY. OH, NO.

THEY SAID THAT SHE WAS REALLY IN TOUCH

WITH WHAT MEN BETWEEN 18 AND 49 REALLY WANT.

THERE, YOU SEE?

LAST ONE IN THE SHOWER'S A DIRTY DOG!

OH, UH, SHOES!

[WHOOSH]

Sally: OH.

AH, THAT WAS GREAT.

OHH! HOME AT LAST!

AWW, THE DAMN SHOES DON'T TRANSFER.

AH, GOOD OLD RUTHERFORD.

WHAT AN INSPIRING VIEW.

YEAH, THE TAILLIGHTS ON THE CARS

AND THE FLAME BURNING OVER AT THE REFINERY.

YOU CAN EVEN SEE THE FAST FOOD SIGNS

OUT AT THE INTERSTATE OFF-RAMP.

SIMPLY BREATHTAKING.

I FIND IT DUMPY AND DEPRESSING.

YEAH, WELL, NOT THE PANCAKE HOUSE.

YOU KNOW, ALBRIGHT, YOU WANT TO SEE DEPRESSING,

YOU SHOULD SEE ALL THE GARBAGE

THEY HAVE STACKED UP ALONG CENTRAL PARK WEST.

WERE YOU IN NEW YORK RECENTLY?

UH, NO, NO.

SALLY WAS, UH, JUST, UH,

LOOKING AT A TRAVEL BROCHURE.

WAS I A MAN WHO DREAMED HE WAS A NETWORK EXECUTIVE,

OR A NETWORK EXECUTIVE WHO DREAMED HE WAS A MAN?

HUMAN BEINGS-- THAT IS, WE HUMAN BEINGS, ARE SO STRANGE.

[SIGHS] WE BLINDLY GO ABOUT OUR DAILY ACTIVITIES

UNAWARE THAT IF WE ONLY MADE A FEW

SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CHOICES,

WE'D TURN OUT TO BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

YEAH, DIFFERENT LYING, CHEATING, WEASLY,

HORRIBLE PEOPLE!

DID I DO SOMETHING?

OH, NO, BABE.

YOU'RE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

AND SO ARE YOU, MARY.

WELL, I'M GONNA GO WATCH TV.

MY SHOWS ARE ON.