Original subtitles

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪

[CRYING]

[SIGHS] WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOTHER?

OH...NOTHING.

[SNIFFLES, SOBS]

I SWEAR, IF YOU DON'T STOP CRYING,

I'M GOING TO HAUL OFF AND--

TRY IT. I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM OFF

AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUM!

DO THAT AND I'LL TURN MY BACK ON YOU

AND SLAP YOU ABOUT THE FACE

WITH MY NEWLY ACQUIRED BUM ARM!

I'LL BITE THAT BUM ARM OFF,

CHEW IT UP, AND SPIT THE BONE FRAGMENTS INTO YOUR EYES,

PUNCTURING THE OPTICAL ORBS,

CAUSING THE EYEBALL LIQUID TO STREAM DOWN

INTO YOUR LUNGS AND DROWN YOU!

MOTHER, THAT'S PRETTY HARSH.

WHY ARE WE FIGHTING LIKE THIS?

I KNOW. WE NEVER FOUGHT WHEN BRAK WAS HERE.

WHY DID HE HAVE TO MOVE OUT, ANYWAY?

WELL, HERE HE IS FOR THE 14th TIME TODAY. ASK HIM YOURSELF.

HONEY, HAVE YOU DECIDED TO MOVE BACK IN?

NO, MOTHER. I'M A MAN NOW.

I DO MAN THINGS.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GROWING A BEARD,

AND THEN GROWING A BEARD ON THAT BEARD.

AND THEN, ON THAT BEARD,

A MOUSTACHE!

SO, HOW ARE THINGS IN THE NEW PLACE?

OUTSTANDING, DAD!

ANY MINUTE NOW, MY NEW BACHELOR PAD WILL BE OVERFLOWING

WITH HOT, SQUEEZABLE TAIL

READY TO RUN THEIR FINGERS OVER MY MAN FACE.

BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MOVE OUT TO MEET GIRLS?

MOTHER, DO YOU KNOW HOW SISSIFIED IT IS

FOR A HOT YOUNG DUDE LIKE BRAK

TO BRING GIRLS HOME TO HIS PARENTS' HOUSE?

IT'S SUPER SISSIFIED, MOM.

DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS.

IS LIVING IN A CARDBOARD BOX ANY BETTER?

WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON THE WOMAN.

SOME WOMEN DIG CORRUGATION.

BRAK, WAS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEEDED, DEAR?

YEAH, I WAS JUST WONDERIN'

IF MY UNDIES WERE READY, MOMMY.

NOT YET. THEY'RE ON THEIR THIRD WASH CYCLE.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THOSE THINGS, ANYWAY?

OH, HO HO HO HO HO!

I SEE.

I GUESS I BETTER GET BACK TO MY PAD.

THEM GIRLS AIN'T KISSIN' THEMSELVES.

IF THEY START, YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME!

I LOVE THAT BUSINESS.

[BUZZER GOES OFF]

IT SOUNDS LIKE MY BABY'S UNDIES ARE DONE.

I'LL GO AND PUT THEM IN THE DRYER,

MAKE THEM NICE AND FLUFFY.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

MOTHER, THE DOOR.

[DOORBELL RINGS TWICE] MOTHER, THE DOOR!

BUGGER OFF, YOU SILLY LITTLE INEFFECTUAL WANKER!

ALL RIGHT, FINE. SURE. NO PROBLEM.

I'LL GET THE DOOR. YEAH.

BUT WHOEVER'S AT THE DOOR IS GOING TO WISH

THEY NEVER MADE ME GET UP OFF OF MY SWEET ASS!

GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR.

YOU SHOULD SAY GOOD DAY TO MY ASS,

WHICH YOU MADE ME GET OFF OF FROM MY CHAIR

TO COME GET THIS DOOR.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD DAY TO YOUR ASS, SIR.

WOULD YOU CARE TO DO A KIND DEED

FOR AN OLD MAN DOWN ON HIS LUCK?

PERHAPS A DROP OF ALE AND A CRUST OF BREAD.

HA HA!

HEY, HOW ABOUT A CRUST OF NOTHING,

AND FOR DESSERT, A DOOR IN YOUR FACE!

HARRUMPH!

[SPEAKING SPANISH RAPIDLY]

Brak: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

OH, MAN. GOOD ONE, CONAN. WHAT A ZINGER.

EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU CARE TO DO A KIND DEED

FOR A DOWNTRODDEN OLD MAN?

ABSOLUTELY, BUDDY. COME ON IN!

CONAN'S ON.

HEY, EVERYBODY, I'M CONAN O'BRIEN.

THANKS FOR WATCHING MY SHOW.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAID TODAY?

IT SURE WAS FUNNY.

AH HA HA HA HA HA!

I GET IT!

CONAN, YOU'RE THE KING OF LATE-NIGHT.

AH HA HA HA HA!

YEAH, YEAH.

BUT THE THING IS, I'M SO VERY HUNGRY.

COULD YOU SPARE ME A LITTLE BITE TO EAT?

YOU'RE IN LUCK, MY MAN.

I JUST PULLED A 12-POUND CARDBURKEY

OUT OF MY CARDBOVEN.

AND YOU WOULD SHARE THIS DUBIOUS FEAST

WITH A TOTAL STRANGER?

I WOULD, INDEED.

THEN WE HAVE A WINNER!

FOR I AM GENEROSITUS,

SON OF GRACIOTIMUS AND GOD OF ALL KINDNESS.

I BRING DOWN THE POWERS OF MOUNT OLYMPITUS,

MACCALAPAPAPAPAPAPATOPOULUS,

TO GRANT YOU ONE WISH

AS REWARD FOR YOUR KIND INTENTIONS.

WAAH?!

I AM A GOD! MAKE YOUR WISH NOW!

I COMMAND IT!

[STATIC]

HOT PANTS CALLING LOVING SPOONFUL.

COME IN, LOVING SPOONFUL. OVER.

MY BOY CLARENCE.

HE CRIBS IN THE BOX NEXT DOOR.

WE RUN TOGETHER.

LOVING SPOONFUL CALLING THE HOT PANTS.

WHAT'S UP, PANTS?

I'M SHOWERED AND POWDERED AND READY TO BE DEFLOWERED.

HAVE YOU BAGGED ANY BABES YET, SPOONFUL? COME BACK.

THAT'S A NEGATORY ON THE BABE-O BAGGINGS, HOT PANTS.

I AWAIT YOUR WISHMAKING, YOUNG THUNDERCAT.

LISTEN, HOT PANTS, I GOT A GOD OVER HERE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO SIGN OFF. OVER.

WHAT?! [PANTING]

HEY! THAT'S NOT A BROAD.

I DIDN'T SAY BROAD, STUPID. I SAID GOD.

HE'S HERE TO GRANT ME A WISH.

AND YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

OH, THERE'S A TIME LIMIT?

OK, UM...UH... I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS.

HOW ABOUT A MILLION DOLLARS?

IT CANNOT BE MONETARY.

AW, MAN!

WISH FOR A DATE! FOR BOTH OF US.

NO CARNAL PLEASURES.

FORBIDDEN!

NO FOOD. THEN HOW ABOUT--

THEN ASK FOR A SPACESHIP.

NO SPACESHIPS.

THEN I'LL TAKE A COUPLE OF PAIRS OF--

NO MAGIC PANTS. HOW ABOUT A RADIO?

OK. I'D LIKE THAT.

NO RADIO! SOMETHING ELSE.

HOW ABOUT A DATE WITH FARRAH FAWCETT?

HOW ABOUT A DATE WITH BENJAMIN FRANKLIN?

I COULD PROBABLY MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

HE'S TOO OLD.

YEAH, BUT HE INVENTED LIGHTNING.

NO ONE INVENTED LIGHTNING.

BURT REYNOLDS DID. I SAW IT IN A MOVIE.

STOKER ACE?

NO. HOOPER, STUPID.

...AND 5, 4...

I SAID A MOVIE, NOT A TRAVESTY.

3, 2, 1! [BUZZER SOUND]

TIME IS UP. YOU BLEW IT.

OH, MAN, THAT STINKS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT DOESN'T STINK.

THAT HOT BROAD I GOT STASHED IN CLARENCE'S BOX.

AAH! THERE'S A WOMAN IN MY BOX?

AND SHE'S READY TO ROCK.

SHE IS? I WANNA ROCK.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T FEEL LIKE ROCKING RIGHT NOW,

SO WHY DON'T YOU HEAD ON OVER THERE

AND ROCK HER FOR ME?

CAN MY FRIEND BRAK COME WITH ME?

SHE DON'T ROCK THAT WAY. IT'S ONE OR NONE.

GO AHEAD, CLARENCE. YOU'VE EARNED IT.

HERE I GO, INTO THE GREAT WIDE OPEN!

HA HA HA HA HO HEE HO!

HEH HEH HEH!

WHAT'S SO FUNNY, ZORAK?

QUIET! I WANNA LISTEN.

HA HA HA HA HO HEE HEE HO!

HELLO. MY NAME IS CLARENCE. PLEASE BE GENTLE.

[CLARENCE SCREAMING]

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THE SOUND OF A BLOOD CAT

MAULING A FAT KID.

SHE LIKES IT KIND OF ROUGH, HUH?

HEH HEH HEH HEH! YEAH.

[CLARENCE WHIMPERING]

EH, WHO'S THE OLD GEEZER?

I AM GENEROSITUS,

SON OF GRACIOTIMUS

AND GOD OF ALL KINDNESS.

YEAH, RIGHT! HE SAYS HE GRANTS WISHES,

BUT HE DON'T GRANT CRAP!

THERE ARE RULES.

YOU VIOLATED THE TIME LIMIT.

SO YOU GRANT WISHES, HUH?

YES. BUT ONLY TO THOSE WHO PERFORM ACTS OF KINDNESS.

EHH. THAT'S REALLY NOT MY SPECIALTY.

HE'S MORE INTO PAIN DISTRIBUTION.

I'LL DEMONSTRATE.

HEY, ZORAK, HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY, FRIEND?

OOF!

THAT'S MY ZORAK.

♪ BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BAAH ♪

GIMME A WISH BEFORE I CRAM A BADGER DOWN YOUR THROAT

AND STRAP A T-BONE STEAK TO YOUR ASS.

I MAY BE FROM OUT OF TOWN,

BUT I DON'T SEE HOW THAT QUALIFIES AS AN ACT OF KINDNESS.

IT IS FOR THE BADGER.

EVENTUALLY HE EATS HIS WAY THROUGH TO THE STEAK.

THAT'S A GOOD MEAL FOR A BADGER.

THEY DON'T USUALLY GET STEAK.

SO LET'S SEE, WHAT SHOULD I WISH FOR?

PUT DOWN THE BADGER.

PUT IT DOWN. COME TO THINK OF IT--

MY WISH IS TO DO THE BADGER TRICK BACKWARDS.

SO PUT THE STEAK IN YOUR MOUTH AND BEND OVER.

I DON'T THINK SO.

FUZZAH!

AAH! YOU CAST ZORAK INTO THE CARDBOVEN.

AND I ALSO TURNED HIM INTO CARDBOARD. DID YOU NOTICE?

OH, YEAH, LOOK AT THAT.

HEY, WHERE'S THE BADGER?

HE'S STEAK-HUNTING IN ZORAK'S CARDBOARD COLON.

ISN'T THAT IRONIC? HA HA!

I WANTED TO BE THE GOD OF IRONY,

BUT THAT WENT TO IRONICUS.

HEY, BRAK, WHAT'S UP?

UGH! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, DAD?

SON, I JUST LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON.

NEVER CROSS YOUR SWEET, LOVING MOTHER

UNLESS--AND THIS IS A KEY POINT--

UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR ARM RIPPED OFF

AND SHOVED UP YOUR ASS.

THANKS, DAD.

I'LL REMEMBER THAT FOREVER.

HEY, UH--UH-- CAN I STAY HERE TONIGHT?

YOUR MOTHER THREW ME OUT.

SURE, DAD. MY BOX IS YOUR BOX.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS OLD FART-KNOCKER DOING IN MY NEW HOUSE?

YOUR SON INVITED ME IN.

WELL, INVITE YOURSELF OUT

BEFORE I SMACK YOU WITH MY BUM ARM.

COME ON, BIG BOY,

PUT YOUR FACE DOWN HERE.

I'LL KNOCK THE FARTS OUT OF YOU!

I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

BUTTASSAFASS!

YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT.

THAT WASN'T VERY NICE WHAT YOU JUST DID TO MY DAD!

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME OF THE SAME?

I WOULD NOT, SIR.

[PASSES GAS LOUDLY]

UH-OH. I GOT TO GO TO THE CAN.

OH, I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.

THAT...

[INHALES]

WAS INCREDIBLE.

CLARENCE? I THOUGHT YOU'D BE DEAD.

CLARENCE THE BOY IS DEAD.

MEET CLARENCE THE MAN WHO JUST HAD SEX.

[INHALING]

PFFT.

AND LOVED IT!

YOU HAD SEX WITH A BLOOD CAT?

THE FIRST TIME.

BUT AFTER THAT, MY ATHLETIC

AND SOMEWHAT UNORTHODOX LOVEMAKING...

[INHALES]

TRANSFORMED HER BACK INTO THE BEAUTY SHE WAS

BEFORE A HORRIBLE SPELL WAS CAST UPON HER.

OR MAYBE IT WAS JUST MY GIANT WIENER.

EITHER WAY, IT HAPPENED.

Girl: CLARENCE, WHERE ARE YOU?

I NEED YOUR SWEET PASSION, BABY!

I'M IN HERE, MY LOVE!

IT'S READY FOR YA.

RUBY!

G? IS THAT YOU, BABY?!

BABY, WHERE YOU BEEN?

YOU WENT OUT FOR SMOKES THAT NIGHT AND NEVER CAME BACK.

I KNOW! I RAN INTO YOUR MOM AT THE SIP AND LUBE

AND THE OLD WHORE CAST A SPELL ON ME.

MADE ME INTO A BLOOD CAT.

AND THAT'S HOW IT'S BEEN

TILL CLARENCE HERE CAME ALONG AND DID ME RIGHT.

SEVERAL TIMES, I MIGHT ADD.

IT WAS REALLY ONLY ONCE.

THERE WAS LOTS OF FUMBLING IN THE DARK.

OH, OK.

MOST OF WHAT HE DID WAS TO HIMSELF.

RUBY, HAVE YOU HAD A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GENTLEMAN?

YES. SHE IS MY WIFE.

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR FREEING HER FROM HER SPELL.

TO SHOW MY GRATITUDE,

I WILL GRANT BRAK HIS WISH.

HOT DOG!

WHAT ABOUT ME? DON'T I GET A WISH?

WELL, YOU DID NAIL MY WIFE.

YES, SIR...I DID.

[INHALES]

OH, YEAH.

SO, BRAK, I AWAIT YOUR WISH.

OK. OK.

OK, OK, OK, OK.

UH...OK, OK, UH...

I WISH--I WISH I WERE...

A PENGUIN!

A PENGUIN.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

COME ON, BOY. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

WISH FOR SOMETHING BIGGER.

DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE US ALL PENGUINS?

HE SAID WISH FOR SOMETHING BIGGER.

I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

I REALLY THINK THE FAMILY TOOK TO ME AS YOUR REPLACEMENT,

WOULDN'T YOU SAY, DUCKY?

CHECK THE INTERNET, HONEY. I'M STILL THE STAR HERE.

THIS SURE BEATS HAVING A BADGER IN MY COLON.

HUBBA DUBBA DOH!

LONG LIVE PENGUINCLEESE!

AWAY!

THIS COLD IS MAKING MY WIENER SMALL.

AAH!

THIS IS STUPID.

I WISH WE WEREN'T PENGUINS

AND THAT OUR SHOW WASN'T CANCELED.

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