Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- IT IS THE EVE OF MOM'S MARRIAGE TO ZORAK.

WE LISTEN NOW AS DAD SAYS... - MOTHER, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

HOW YOU CAN GO THROUGH WITH THIS WEDDING.

WHAT IS THIS HOLD ZORAK HAS OVER YOU?

I MUST FIND A WAY TO BREAK IT.

- I'VE TRIED, DAD, BUT ZORAK IS AS RUTHLESS AS HE IS CLEVER.

- BUT WE'RE ALREADY MARRIED. I LOVE YOU, BABY.

AND I THINK YOU LOVE ME? - OF COURSE, I DO, DAD.

I WISH I COULD TELL YOU THE TRUTH AND MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND.

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR WIFE CYNTHIA.

- WIFE IN NAME ONLY.

- CALL CYNTHIA ANYTHING YOU PLEASE.

SHE STILL HOLDS THE LEGAL STRINGS TO YOUR HEART.

- NOT FOR LONG.

TONIGHT MY HEART WILL BE ON A PLANE BOUND FOR MEXICO,

WHERE CYNTHIA IS FLYING TO DIVORCE ME,

WHICH WILL SEVER HER LEGAL STRINGS

AND SEND MY HEART SNAPPING BACK TO YOU.

[DOORBELL RINGS] - THAT'S ZORAK NOW.

HE TOLD ME HE WILL BE STOPPING BY, AND THAT'S WHAT HE'S DONE.

- WELL, I'VE GOT TO GO GET DRESSED FOR WORK.

- WELL, HELLO. - DO YOU HAVE THE PHOTOGRAPHS?

- YES, I HAVE THEM, MY LOVELY. THEY'RE REALLY QUITE DELECTABLE.

- I WANT THOSE PICTURES, ZORAK. AND I'LL DO ANYTHING TO--

- ANYTHING? - BUT THAT!

- AH! UNDERSTAND THIS: I WANT YOU, MOM,

AND I'LL USE EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK TO GET YOU.

COULD THERE BE FAIRER WARNING THAN THAT?

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

- MOTHER, I AM HEARTBROKEN. FATE HAS THRUST ITS STICKY FACE

INTO THE DREAMLAND OF MY INNER BEING

AND WRESTLED HOPEFULNESS FROM ITS GRASP.

WILL I ALWAYS BE THE KING OF PAIN?

- FUNNY, ISN'T IT, HOW I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

HEH, IT'S FUNNY. HEH HEH. - ZORAK, I WASN'T--

- FUNNY! [EVIL LAUGHTER]

- TALKING TO YOU.

- BRAK, YOU'RE BACK FROM ART SCHOOL IN BOSTON.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE SCULPTING FOR MIDTERMS?

- THERE'S NO SUCH PLACE AS BOSTON, MOTHER. NOT FOR ME.

FOR THAT IS WHERE CONNIE GAINWAY OF THE GAINWAY GAINWAYS

STOLE MY HEART, AND WHERE HER FATHER,

BILLIONAIRE FATHER DRAKE GAINWAY, STOLE MY CONNIE GAINWAY

BY FORBIDDING HER TO WED THE LOWLY SON

OF A LOWLY WORM FARMER-- I.E. MY DAD.

- LOWLY? [BRAK CRYING]

YES, I AM A FARMER OF WORMS AND PROUD OF IT.

THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT ON THE BACKS OF WORMS.

AND DRAKE GAINWAY OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT.

YEARS AGO HE CAME TO ME AND CRIED, "GIVE ME WORMS, DAD."

SO WORMS IS WHAT I GAVE HIM.

AND GAINWAY WENT ON TO MAKE BILLIONS.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW? BECAUSE I DON'T.

- WHAT A STORY! I AM OF TWO BRAKS NOW.

ONE WHO GRIEVES THE LOSS OF HIS CONNIE GAINWAY,

ANOTHER FUELED BY THE INSPIRATIONAL RUSH

OF RED-HOT ORANGE JUICE.

I MUST CAPTURE DAD'S SONG IN CLAY.

TO BOSTON!

- SCULPT A GOOD ONE, TINY SCULPTOR.

♪ SCULPT SOME HEADLIGHTS ON A LADY ♪

- HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU BLOW?

I'VE GOT PERSONAL BUSINESS WITH THE MISSIS HERE.

- ZORAK, IF YOU TOUCH HER... - OH, THERE WILL BE TOUCHING.

NOW GET TO DIGGING, WORM BOY!

- GO AHEAD, DEAR, TEND TO YOUR WORMS. I'LL BE FINE.

- YOU BETTER BE BETTER THAN FINE.

NOW GREASE UP AND GET IN THE SINK.

- OK, WELL, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT BACK IF YOU NEED ME.

[DOOR SLAMS] - GREETINGS ALL.

IT IS I, FAMOUS CONCERT PIANIST CLARENCE VON CHUNKERLING

TODAY I'M PERFORMING MY MASTERPIECE,

"THE MANLY BOY OF CANTERVILLE."

[MUSIC PLAYING AND WOMAN VOCALIZING]

- THEN GUESS WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

- YOU'RE GONNA GET HIT FLUSH IN THE FACE WITH A PAINMASTER K-47

HOLLOW-NOSED, ARMOR-PIERCING SHOULDER ROCKET.

- NOT IN THE HOUSE. - CLARENCE, LET'S GO OUTSIDE.

- THE HELL I WILL. I'M NOT STUPID.

I'M GETTING MARRIED. - REALLY?

- YES. FOLLOWING THIS EVENING'S RECITAL,

MY PIANO MENTOR CYNTHIA AND I SHALL FLY TO MEXICO,

WHERE SHE, AFTER DIVORCING HER CURRENT HUSBAND,

WILL SURRENDER HER FORBIDDEN TREASURES

TO MY FLOWER STORM OF TEENAGE PASSION.

- CLARENCE, CYNTHIA HAS TO BE TWICE YOUR AGE.

PLUS, YOU'RE A MINOR.

- MIND THIS, ASS BUTT.

- [SCREAMS] I NEED TO GET THIS LOOKED AT!

- WELL, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO SEE WHAT CLARENCE HAS ON HIS MIND.

HA, RUBBA-DING. HEH HEH! ALL RIGHT, GET ON THAT TABLE.

THIS POSTMAN ONLY RINGS ONCE. [DOOR SLAMS]

- I'VE DISCOVERED OIL! - THE DEUCE, YOU SAY?

- COME SEE FOR YOURSELF. YOU SEE, IT'S OIL.

WE'RE RICH!

- NOW BRAK WILL BE ABLE TO MARRY CONNIE GAINWAY.

- YES, BUT WE MUSTN'T LET CYNTHIA KNOW

BEFORE THE DIVORCE IS FINAL. SHE'LL WANT HALF OF MY FORTUNE.

[NUMBERS DIALING] - CYNTHIA, HOW YOU DOING?

HEY, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU OUGHT TO KNOW-- - NOT ANOTHER WORD,

YOU WIFE-STEALING BUTT ASS, OR YOU'LL EAT HOT STINKING LEAD!

- PUT DOWN THE POPGUN, POP, AND LET THE BIG TUBE SPEAK.

[MOM SCREAMS]

- MOTHER, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - I CAN'T SEE.

I'M BLIND!

- WAY TO GO, ZORAK. YOUR STUPID BAZOOKA IGNITED THE OIL GUSHER

AND BLEW UP WIFE'S EYES. - YOU STARTED IT.

- NO, I DIDN'T. - YES, YOU DID.

- MOTHER, WHO STARTED IT? - WHO CARES WHO STARTED IT.

I'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN. - YES, YOU WILL, MY DARLING.

FOR I VOW TO DEVOTE MY LIFE AND FORTUNE TO BECOMING

A BRILLIANT SURGICAL DOCTOR,

WHO'LL RESTORE YOUR EYES TO THEIR PRE-EXPLOSION CONDITION.

- SHE'S GONNA BE MY WIFE. I'M DOING THE SURGERY.

- HOW ABOUT THIS: THE FIRST ONE TO BECOME AN EYE DOCTOR

DOES THE SURGERY? - DEAL.

- DEAL. - WELL, OK.

- FINE. - ALL RIGHT, THEN.

- HOW ABOUT IF YOU JUST TAKE ME TO THE DOCTOR NOW--

- STAY OUT OF THIS, MOTHER! THIS IS BETWEEN ZORAK AND ME.

- WE WILL RETURN TO "ALL THAT I DESIRE YOU"

AFTER THESE MESSAGES.

AND NOW, BACK TO "ALL THAT I DESIRE YOU."

- DAD IS NOW A WEALTHY OIL BARON. YEE-HA!

IT'S GREAT TO BE RICH.

- HOW ARE THINGS GOING WITH YOUR MEDICAL DEGREE, DEAR?

I'M REALLY NOT ENJOYING BEING BLIND.

- YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE THAN BEING BLIND?

HEARING YOU WHINE ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

MEDICAL SCHOOL IS HARD WORK, MOTHER.

I'LL DO IT WHEN THEY MAKE A VIDEO GAME OUT OF IT.

SOMETHING THAT'S FUN FOR ME. - WELL, I'M GOING TO THE DOCTOR.

- YEAH, HOW YOU GOING TO DO THAT? [LAUGHS]

- WELL, WHO IS THIS GENTLEMAN ENTERING THE ROOM?

WHY, IT'S BRAK GAINWAY, THE WEALTHY HUSBAND OF

BILLIONAIRESS CONNIE GAINWAY.

- IS THAT BRAK, MY SON, MY BOY? WHERE ARE YOU, MY SWEETHEART?

- RIGHT HERE, MOM. SO YOU'RE STILL BLIND, HUH?

- YES. I LIVE IN A WORLD OF SHADOWS.

ETERNAL NIGHT. - YEAH, YEAH.

SO, SON, HOW'S MARRIED LIFE? HOW ARE YOU HITTING THEM?

- BAD NEWS FROM GAINWAY MANOR, DAD. DEVASTATING, REALLY.

CONNIE GAINWAY'S FATHER, DRAKE GAINWAY, WHOM I'VE NEVER MET

BUT HAVE SOMEHOW GROWN TO LOVE DEARLY,

HAS DEVELOPED A GIGANTIC BRAIN TUMOR ON HIS HEAD.

HE NEEDS AN OPERATION IMMEDIATELY.

- SO DO I! - CLARENCE, IS THAT YOU?

I'M BLIND, YOU KNOW. - HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL,

GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!

WELL, I'M GOING TO BUY THE DALLAS COWBOYS.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HANDS, CLARENCE,

YOUR BEAUTIFUL WORLD-FAMOUS PIANIST HANDS?

- IS QUITE A STORY, REALLY.

AS YOU KNOW, CYNTHIA AND I TRAVELED TO MEXICO

SO SHE COULD DIVORCE YOUR FATHER AND MARRY ME.

AT THE RECEPTION, ZORAK BURST IN AND SMASHED

MY FROLICKING FINGERS WITH A KOREAN RIOT BATON.

TO MY HORROR, HE THEN MARRIED CYNTHIA AND WHISKED HER AWAY.

WHY SHOULD I BE SUBJECTED TO THAT LEVEL OF CRUELTY?

CAN ANYONE TELL ME?

- BECAUSE LIFE IS CHEAP, CLARENCE.

YOUR LIFE AT LEAST. HAH!

- [GASPS] ZORAK, YOU'RE WHITE! - IT'S DR. ZORAK.

AND HELL, YEAH, I'M WHITE.

HOW ELSE WAS I GOING TO GET INTO A DECENT MEDICAL SCHOOL?

- SO, ZORAK, HOW IS MY PRECIOUS CYNTHIA?

- OH, NOT GOOD.

SHE PICKED UP A LITTLE FLESH-EATING STD

ON OUR HONEYMOON. YOU WANT TO SAY HI?

SHE'S OUT IN THE VAN. - REALLY?

- YEAH, BUT DON'T GET TOO CLOSE. SHE'S--SHE'S OOZING PRETTY GOOD.

- IS SHE GOING TO DIE? - OH, YEAH.

- BUT YOU'RE A DOCTOR. CAN'T YOU SAVE HER?

- SAVE HER? I CAN'T EVEN STAND TO SMELL HER.

- ZORAK, HAVE YOU COME TO-- - RESTORE YOUR SIGHT?

NAH, SORRY, BABE. YOU'LL NEED AN EYE DOCTOR FOR THAT.

I'M A BREAST MAN. - HOW ABOUT MY--

- FATHER-IN-LAW, RECLUSIVE BILLIONAIRE DRAKE GAINWAY?

- YES. HE HAS A BRAIN TUMOR. - I TOLD YOU, I'M A BREAST MAN.

YOU WANT TO JACK HIS BOOBS UP, FINE. I'M THE GUY.

- BUT, ZORAK, DRAKE GAINWAY IS-- - MY FATHER.

MY NAME IS GRANT GAINWAY.

DRAKE GAINWAY IS INDEED MY FATHER.

AND YOUR FATHER, AND YOUR FATHER.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- DRAKE GAINWAY SIRED TWO LEGITIMATE CHILDREN,

CONNIE AND MYSELF, WITH HIS FIRST WIFE, MY MOTHER,

A WOMAN HE DESPISED.

HE ALSO FATHERED TWO UNIDENTICAL TWINS

WITH THE ONLY WOMAN HE EVER TRULY LOVED,

HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA.

TO AVOID SCANDAL, BOTH CHILDREN WERE LEFT ON A PARK BENCH

WITH AN ENORMOUS BOUQUET OF BALLOONS.

ONE OF THEM, CLARENCE, WAS TAKEN IN BY A FAMILY OF CIRCUS BEARS.

THE OTHER CHILD, ZORAK, WAS MISTAKEN FOR A BAG OF CAT GUTS

AND THROWN IN THE RIVER, NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.

UNTIL NOW.

BECAUSE I SEE HIM RIGHT OVER THERE.

- CYNTHIA IS MY MOTHER? BUT, I MARRIED HER.

- SO DID I. - SO DID I.

- MY GOD, FATHER, IT'S YOU!

- HIS NAME'S NOT FATHER. IT'S DAD.

- HIS NAME IS DRAKE GAINWAY.

- IT IS? - I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M BLIND!

- HE'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE.

- I HAVE? - YES, AS DRAKE GAINWAY,

BILLIONAIRE INDUSTRIALIST. - WHO KNEW?

- AND AS DAD. LOWLY WORM FARMER,

RECENTLY BECOME RICH MILLIONAIRE OIL BARON.

- SO I'M A MILLIONAIRE AND A BILLIONAIRE?

THAT IS FRIGGIN' AWESOME! - IT'S NOT, IT'S TERRIBLE!

DRAKE GAINWAY IS DYING FROM A GIGANTIC BRAIN TUMOR!

- [LAUGHS] I WAS WONDERING WHAT THE HELL THAT WAS.

- ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU, ME, CLARENCE, BRAK--

ANYBODY ELSE? - HOW ABOUT CONNIE?

- RIGHT. AND CONNIE ARE ALL DAD'S CHILDREN?

- EXACTLY. - HMM.

I GUESS I'VE GOT IT GOING ON.

- ZORAK, I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE A BREAST MAN,

YOU HAVE TO PERFORM THESE SURGERIES NOW.

YOU'LL BE SAVING DAD AKA DRAKE GAINWAY, YOUR FATHER,

AND CLARENCE, YOUR SUCCESSFUL PIANIST BROTHER,

AND CYNTHIA WIFE AND MOTHER TO YOU AND CLARENCE

AND WIFE ONLY TO DAD AND DRAKE GAINWAY.

- WHAT ABOUT ME? I'M BLIND.

- BOSTON IS BEANTOWN, YOU KNOW.

- BRAIN TUMOR!

- UGH. ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL, I'LL DO IT.

SOMEBODY SCRUB ME, AND I'LL NEED A DRINK, A TRIPLE, STAT!

GENTLEMEN, BEHOLD!

THE OPERATIONS WAS A SUCCESS.

- I THINK MINE ARE THE FIRMEST.

- WHO NEEDS THE PIANO WHEN I GOT THESE BABIES?

- I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT INVOLVED IN THIS.

I WASN'T EVEN SICK. - ALL RIGHT, KIDDIES,

LET'S SHAKE THEM!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

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