Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- DADDY'S HOME. 3 CHEERS FOR DADDY.

- SO, DARLING, HOW WAS YOUR CANOE TRIP?

- OH, THAT, YES. UH, THAT WAS A LIE.

THERE IS NO PRINCE MOMUMBAKOP.

- WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT THAT?

- I DIDN'T WANT TO BE FOLLOWED, MOTHER.

I'VE SPENT THE LAST 4 DAYS NEGOTIATING

THE SECRET PURCHASE OF THE MOST FANTASTIC DEVICE

EVER PRODUCED BY MAN OR BEAST ALIKE.

- HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'?

- IT'S ALL GOOD, Z-MAN. ALL GOOD. HOO, NOW!

- SO, UH, MOM...

HELLO.

- I HEARD THAT! HOO, NOW!

- HOW YOU DOIN', MOM? - ZORAK, DID YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON FIRE?

- THE METAMORPHOSIS IS COMPLETE!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[DOORBELL]

- AH, MY PURCHASE HAS ARRIVED! EVERYONE, SHUT UP!

- OOH, WHAT'S THIS? I LOVE SURPRISES.

- ME, TOO. IT'S LIKE WONDER BIRD ALWAYS SAYS.

- ♪ I LIKE LADIES BIG AS CAN BE ♪

♪ I LIKE IT MUCH BETTER WHEN THEY'RE BIGGER THAN ME ♪

HA HA HA! NO.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.

I ALWAYS SAY THIS.

EVERY DAY IS A CHANCE TO BE SURPRISED IN A BRAND-NEW WAY.

[YOWLING]

- HE'S RIGHT.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

- HI, ZORAK.

I'M TAKING THIS GASOLINE TO MY GRANDMOTHER.

AAH! GRANNY!

- [LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

- WHAT'S THAT THERE THING, DADDY?

I DON'T RECKON I AIN'T EVER LAID EYES

ON NOTHIN' LIKE THAT THERE IN MY ENTIRE BORN LIFE.

WHOO!

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

SAY HELLO TO THIS WONDERFUL AND MYSTERIOUS MARVEL OF THE FUTURE!

- IT'S JUST ANOTHER VACUUM CLEANER.

- EXACTLY! NOW WE'LL HAVE TIME TO GET MARRIED AND START A FAMILY.

DON'T YOU WANT THAT, BABY?

- WE'RE ALREADY MARRIED,

AND THIS IS THE SIXTH VACUUM CLEANER YOU'VE BOUGHT THIS MONTH.

- JUST THINK OVER MY PROPOSAL. THE DEAL'S GOOD FOR THE NEXT 20 MINUTES.

- I'M GOING TO THE STORE.

- I LOVE YOU!

[DOOR CLOSES]

- SAY THERE, CRAZY DAD.

- WHAT IS IT, CRAZY SON?

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF...

THIS!

[GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY]

- MM-HMM. YEAH, TAKE THAT OUTSIDE.

- OK!

[CONTINUES GRUNTING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

- NOW TO WRITE A LOVE POEM FOR THAT WOMAN WHO JUST LEFT.

UH, LET'S SEE, OK, UH, LET'S SEE.

LIVING UNDERWATER, THE COMMON EEL FINDS A WOMAN

WHO ALSO IS AN EEL.

TCHH! NO, TOO SCIENTIFIC.

UH, HOW ABOUT THIS?

"IN AN ANCIENT CASTLE RULED BY ROMANTIC APES

WEARING SEXY HEADGEAR AND SCENTED CAPES"--

YEAH! THAT'S THE ONE!

SOMEBODY WRITE THAT DOWN.

- WHERE'S ZORAK?

- UH, YOU'RE ON FIRE THERE, SCOOBY.

- I KNOW IT. AH!

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

AH!

AH!

[CRASH]

WHO IS THAT SWEET PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY?

- SO, YOU LIKE THE MERCHANDISE, DO YOU?

- YES. WILL SHE IMPASSIONATE WITH ME, ALL NIGHT LONG?

- WHOA, NOW! THIS IS A LADY...VACUUM CLEANER.

YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH LADY VACUUM CLEANERS?

- I CAN ANSWER THAT BETTER TOMORROW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

AFTER THE IMPASSIONATION--

- YEAH, I GET IT. - I DON'T.

PLEASE INTRODUCE US. MY DRIVE IS SPINNING.

- YEAH, SORRY. SHE'S POWERED DOWN FOR HER BEAUTY SLEEP RIGHT NOW.

ANYWAY, SHE'S NOT YOUR TYPE.

- IMPOSSIBLE! THEY'RE ALL MY TYPE! YEAH!

- ALL RIGHT, BUT THIS BABY DOLL HAS EXPENSIVE TASTES.

YOU NEED TO BUY HER A GIFT, BABY,

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE A SOLID-GOLD NECKLACE

WITH A TASTEFUL BUT ENORMOUS MONOGRAMMED "D."

- WHY A "D"? - FOR THE DATE, BABY!

DON'T YOU FIND HER DELIGHTFUL OR DELICIOUS?

PICK A WORD, BROTHER! THEY'RE ALL STARTING WITH "D" NOW.

WELCOME TO THE MODERN-DAY FUTURE, WHERE LETTERS ARE THE NEW NUMBERS.

- AND THIS WILL RESULT IN A FIRMWARE UPGRADE FOR THUNDERCLEESE?

- I ALMOST GUARANTEE IT, MAYBE.

- YEAH! TO THE ...!

- MMM, BABY, YOU ARE SO IMPASSIONATE.

♪ IF I WERE A VACUUM CLEANER

♪ AND YOU WERE A VACUUM CLEANER TOO ♪

♪ WE WOULD SO GET IT ON

[SINGING VIBRATO] ♪ SO-O-O-O

♪ GET IT O-O-O-N, BABY

- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THAT VACUUM CLEANER?

- OH, THIS? UM, TH-THIS IS MY MOTHER!

AHEM. YES, SHE'S IN TOWN FOR THE WEDDING.

SAY HELLO, MOMMY.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I WISH YOU TWO KIDS THE BEST OF LUCK.

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE, HONEY!

[DOOR CLOSES]

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN EMBARRASSING, BUT IT WASN'T.

- AH! DARLING!

YOU ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN EVER!

I BROUGHT A GIFT FOR YOU.

- UH, SORRY THERE, CHIEF. SHE'S IN A COMA.

TOUGH LUCK, GUY.

- NO! - OH, YEAH.

BUT DON'T WORRY. IT'S NOT A SERIOUS COMA.

SHE'LL PROBABLY COME OUT OF IT SOMEDAY.

- AND THAT WILL BE A GLORIOUS DAY FOR THUNDERCLEESE!

GLORY!

SO ANYWAY, I HAVE THE NECKLACE.

DO YOU THINK SHE WILL LIKE IT?

- WHAT I THINK IS THAT YOU JUST BROUGHT A NECKLACE

TO A CHICK IN A COMA WITH NO NECK, DUDE.

THAT IS TOTALLY INSENSITIVE.

- IT IS? - H-YEAH!

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BUY HER A PLASMA SCREEN TV LIKE I TOLD YOU?

- YOU SAID GET A NECKLACE WITH AN ENORMOUS "D!"

- ♪ THAT IS A LIE

- NO, IT'S NOT! WATCH THIS!

- [ROARING]

- OK, OK, YOU GOT ME.

YOU WANT TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY SHOWING ME CARTOONS

WHILE THE OTHER 14 GUYS ARE OUT BUYING HER PLASMA SCREEN TVs,

THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS.

- WHAT OTHER GUYS?!

- THE PLASMA SCREEN BOYS, OF COURSE.

- ARE YOU MAKING THIS UP? BECAUSE I HEARD OF THEM.

- SO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE CAPABLE OF.

- IMPASSIONOMETRY?

- YUP. - HA!

WHAT SIZE SCREEN SHOULD I GET?

- OH, 90-HUNDRED SHOULD DO IT.

OH, AND LEAVE THE NECKLACE. I'LL HIDE IT FOR YOU.

- THANK YOU. AWAY!

I'M BACK.

[PANTING]

HAVE THE PLASMA SCREEN BOYS BEEN HERE?

- THE WHO? OH, YEAH, THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT TO YOU.

- WHY ARE YOU WEARING HER NECKLACE?!

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? MY MAMA GAVE ME THIS, SOUL MAN.

PROVE SHE DIDN'T.

- AAH!

- [GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY]

♪ DIGGY DIGGY DIGGETY--

HOLD ON!

- THAT BETTER NOT BE BROKEN.

- WHY IS BRAK SMASHED INTO THE GROUND UNDER A TELEVISION?

- BRAK, HUH?

THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A SON IF WE EVER HAVE ONE.

WRITE THAT DOWN, SOMEBODY.

- I'M READY TO MEET HER NOW. - ME, TOO.

- HER!

- THE VACUUM CLEANER?

- YES! I LOVE HER! SHE'S IN A COMA!

- WHAT? - ATTENTION, VACUUM CLEANER!

YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HEAR ME,

BUT I WROTE A POEM FOR YOU.

"1-0-0-0,

"1-1-0-0-0-1,

"0-0-1-1-1,

"1-1-1-1.

"0-0-0!

"1-1-1.

"0-1-0-1.

"0-0-0.

"1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1...0.

"1-1-1-0.

"1-1-1-1-1...1-0...0.

LOVE, THUNDERCLEESE!"

- THIS IS JUST A BAD DREAM.

- OPEN YOUR EYES, LOLLIPOP.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THUNDERCLEESE IS IN 1-0-0-1-0

WITH MY COMATOSE VACUUM CLEANER, MOTHER?

THEY ARE TO BE MARRIED,

RIGHT AFTER MY SPEECH.

[SLOW PIANO PLAYING]

YOU KNOW, MOTHER,

I REALIZE NOW THAT MACHINES ARE THE ONLY LIFE FORMS

CAPABLE OF TRUE LOVE,

SO I MUST RESCIND MY PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE

UNTIL THE DAY COMES

WHEN A HORRIBLE ATOMIC ACCIDENT REQUIRES

THAT MY VAPORIZED BODY BE RECONFIGURED

USING SUPER-TITANIUM POLYMER FIXTURES

BEYOND OUR COMPREHENSION.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

- AND SO, BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

WE GATHER TO WITNESS THE UNION OF MY NEW GRANDPARENTS,

METAL AS THEY MAY BE.

AND I'D ALSO LIKE TO WELCOME BACK MY WIFE CRUSTACEA,

WHO IS NO LONGER IN THE NAVY!

HELLO, BABY.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BY THE CITY...

[BLABBERING] ...FIRE.

AND THEN DOWN COMES THE RAIN AND BLAH...

[BLABBERING INDISTINCTLY]

- [WHISPERING] Hey, Mother,

how do you think they're gonna "do it"?

Blink if that turns you on.

COME ON. BLINK, BABY.

- AND NOW I MUST ASK NOW IF THERE IS ANYONE NOW

WHO OBJECTS TO THIS MARRIAGE, UH, NOW.

- I DO! STOP THIS WEDDIN'!

- RONALD!

- HI, BOYS. I MADE SOME COOKIES AND HOMEMADE MILK.

HOW ABOUT IF YOU EAT IT?

- HOW ABOUT IF YOU STUFF THAT ORDER AND MAKE ME A HIGHBALL?

- AH, I'D LIKE A HIGHBALL. BRAK, HIGHBALL?

- ACTUALLY, A HIGHBALL WOULD HIT THE SPOT.

- BRAK IS NOT HAVING A HIGHBALL.

- BRAK NEVER GETS TO HAVE A HIGHBALL!

- I'LL TAKE HIS HIGHBALL.

UH, I'M GONNA SMOKE. BRAK, SMOKE?

- I'D LIKE A SMOKE.

- YOU DON'T SMOKE. IT'S A FILTHY HABIT.

- YES, BUT I'M THINKING OF QUITTING NOT SMOKING.

WHAT, DO YOU EXPECT ME TO LIVE MY WHOLE LIFE LIKE JOHNNY CLEAN CHEEKS?

- JOHNNY CLEAN CHEEKS? - [BEAT-BOXING]

- [RAPPING] ♪ JOHNNY CLEAN CHEEKS, HE ROAM THE LAND ♪

♪ MAKIN' SURE THAT EVERYONE BE WASHIN' THEIR HANDS ♪

♪ RIDDING ALL THE COUNTRYSIDE OF DISEASE ♪

♪ BRINGIN' MR. GERM MASTER TO HIS KNEES ♪

♪ JOHNNY CLEAN CHEEKS, HE THE MAN ♪

♪ HE IS WHAT HE BELIEVES AND HE BELIEVES WHAT HE AM ♪

- SAY WHAT? SAY WHAT? SAY WHAT?

SAY WHAT? SAY WHAT WHAT?

- ♪ JOHNNY CLEAN CHEEKS, MR. SPICK-AND-SPAN ♪

♪ HE DONE CLEAN THE LAND

- HERE COME THE FUNKY BEAT. SAY WHAT WHAT?

[BEAT-BOXING]

- ♪ JOHNNY CLEAN CHEEKS

♪ HE SCRUBS A LOT!

- [BLABBERING INCOHERENTLY]

- RONALD!

- [SINGING INCOHERENTLY]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

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