All language subtitles for Just.For.Laughs.2022.The.Gala.Specials.-.Chelsea.Handler.2023.THE.GALA.SPECIALS.CHELSEA.HANDLER.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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(laughing)
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You're at JFL,
with Chelsea Handler.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Starring Adam Christie,
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{\an8}Salma Hindy,
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{\an8}Sam Jay,
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Vanessa Gonzalez and more...
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with Chelsea Handler
at JFL.
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(cheering)
(upbeat music)
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Oh, yeah!
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Hi!
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Yeah!
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What's up, Canada?
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{\an8}Thank you, thank you.
Hello to all my Canadians.
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{\an8}I am so excited that we get
to enjoy this togetherness
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{\an8}together tonight.
We are all survivors.
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00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:54,054
(cheering)
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We all survived a global
pandemic with just enough time
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to open our arms to monkeypox.
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So, yip, hip, hooray!
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And if I have to be somewhere
in this world,
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I will say, it is always nice
to be here in Canada.
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(cheering)
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Isn't it great that women
can be funny now,
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especially after we just got
our rights taken away?
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(laughter)
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(applause)
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You know how it is, you guys.
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You have a supreme court
up here too.
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Yours just has way less sexual
assaulters than ours does.
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(laughter)
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Because Canada would never
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demean women
the way the US does.
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Never.
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(cheering)
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And that's why I spend
so much time up here,
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for my sanity.
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Anyone who knows me
knows I love to spend my winters
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in Whistler where I ski topless
every year.
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(cheering)
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Thank you, thank you.
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For my annual birthday video
where I hold a joint
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00:02:02,422 --> 00:02:05,024
and a Margarita,
which are also my passions.
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(cheering)
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People think that
it's just for fun,
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but the truth is is that
I'm an American refugee.
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(laughter)
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And I'm here tonight
to beg Canada for citizenship.
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(cheering)
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For us Americans, Canada
is like that nerd in high school
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that you didn't pay
attention to, you know?
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And then, you get older
and wiser,
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and then you run into him
years later, and you're like,
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"Wow, that's the guy I should've
lost my virginity to
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in the back
of a Cutlass Supreme.
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(cheering)
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And America is the football
quarterback that you slept with
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in high school who has since
gained 60 pounds,
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lost all his hair and gets
his COVID advice from Joe Rogan.
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(cheering)
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And Canadian men,
shout-out to you.
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You guys are all
so much better-mannered
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than your American
neighbours. Okay?
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You will never find yourself in
an argument with a Canadian man
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about wearing a mask
during a pandemic.
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Well, unless you're
a truck driver.
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(laughter)
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And then, you have problems.
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But most men up here
are just so polite
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and less likely
to interrupt women.
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And I want to say
thank you for that,
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on behalf of all women.
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Thank you for respecting us.
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(cheering)
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But enough about Canadian men
because as great as the men are,
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this country's greatest natural
resource is the women.
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(cheering)
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That's right.
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I've made so many
great friends up here.
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And I like any country
where the men are mild-mannered
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and docile, and the women
are badasses.
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(laughter)
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It's like the ancient Greek myth
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about the Amazons:
a race of brave and courageous
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war-like goddesses
who only needed men
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for breeding purposes.
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(laughter)
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That's my kind of country.
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It's like the Republican Party's
worst nightmare.
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(laughter)
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American women go to restaurants
and take pictures of their food.
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They don't even eat.
They just pose with it
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while their "Insta" boyfriends
get content for them.
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Canadian women
will go out into the wild
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and wrestle their dinner
to the ground.
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And if you try to take a picture
of it, they will eat you.
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(laughter)
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Deep down, I feel like
a Canadian woman.
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And I have the calf muscles
to prove it.
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Every time I come up here,
I get closer and closer
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to my true lesbian form.
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(laughter)
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And I know you've got
sophisticated city folk up here,
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but I am not up here for that.
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I am up here for the psilocybin
and to transition
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into the full-mountain woman
that's been deep inside me,
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shouting to get out.
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I believe that there is nothing
in the Canadian wilderness
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I couldn't survive because
I've been surviving the wilds
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of show business
for years now.
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I've had breakfast
in a private dining room
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with Harvey Weinstein.
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I've been alone in a hotel room
with Bill Cosby.
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And I accidentally
once had dinner
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with Woody Allen
and Soon-Yi Previn.
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(laughter)
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And I remember showing up
to that dinner, looking around
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and thinking, "I can't do this,
as a woman,
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sit here and have dinner
with this man. I can't.
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I have to say something."
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So... I bided my time
and I waited,
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and I played nice
for the whole dinner.
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And then, when the dessert came,
they handed him
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some blackberry cobbler,
and as he took a bite of it,
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I leaned over to him
and Soon-Yi and said,
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"How did you two meet?"
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(laughter)
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(cheering)
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If you see something,
you have to say something.
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Enjoy your night!
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(cheering)
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(rhythmic music)
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This next comedian describes
himself as an X-Men nerd,
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not to be confused with those
really cool X-Men aficionados
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who are always getting laid.
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Please welcome Jay Jurden.
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(cheering)
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(rhythmic music)
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Thank you.
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Hell yeah!
Thank you so much, Montreal.
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{\an8}Let's get into it. Chelsea
already brought it up.
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{\an8}Let's talk about monkeypox.
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{\an8}(laughter)
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First of all, I do not have it.
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Secondly, if a Black person
does catch monkeypox,
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please call it
something different.
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(laughter)
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Monkey?! Pox!
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In 2022! And people are like,
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"Oh no, it's called monkeypox
because it's from Africa."
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You're making it worse.
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(laughter)
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You could call it anything.
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You could call it
"not so small" pox.
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You could call it "medium" pox.
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Hell, you could even call it
"two" pox.
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(laughter)
But monkey... pox?!
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I originally
am from Mississippi.
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Now, let me tell you something.
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If you don't know anything
about Mississippi,
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America talks about Mississippi
the same way that Canada
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talks about America. Just...
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(laughter)
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A lot of tweets saying,
"Y'all okay down there?"
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No, you're not. Now, whenever
you get on stage and you say
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you're from Mississippi,
people instantly react.
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One time, I got on stage,
said I was from Mississippi,
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a guy in the front row said,
"Mississippi? Woo!"
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I said, "Sir, I can see you.
Where are you from?"
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He said Syria.
I was like, "Syria?!
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(laughter)
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Syria?! Come on, man!
Are you 'Syri-us'?
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Come on, Syria!
Don't you have a civil war
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you need to worry about?"
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He looked at me, he said,
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"Mississippi, don't you have
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a civil war you need
to worry about?"
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(laughter)
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(applause)
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I can tell I like this crowd
because I hear some fun,
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straight girl laughs.
Straight girls!
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(cheering)
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Yeah!
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Oh my gosh! Straight women,
we go way back.
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Middle school. Now, straight
girls, I do have a question.
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There's a recent phenomenon.
It's really picking my interest.
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Why do y'all love...
what's the word...
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fucking ugly dudes? What?!
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(laughter)
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What is the reasoning?
Do you know that being straight
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doesn't have to be a dare?
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You can... enjoy it.
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And then, they will come up
to me after the show
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about this joke and say,
"Well, Jay, I happen to like
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my men a little ugly.
Right, babe?"
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And this poor guy was like,
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"You hear that?
She only said a little!"
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(laughter)
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They will brag to me
about their ugly man.
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They'll say, "Well, Jay,
just so you know, me and my ugly
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man, we are going to Paris."
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I'm like, "Yeah, he's gotta get
back to the cathedral.
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Those bells won't ring
themselves."
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(laughter)
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Y'all seem like y'all aren't
gonna cancel me for that joke.
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I'm happy about that.
Every comedian currently
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00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,376
right now is so worried
about cancel culture.
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00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,546
Everyone's worried
about cancel culture.
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Everyone... except for me.
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00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:10,550
(laughter)
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Because, do you understand
how hard it would be
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to cancel... me?
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(laughter)
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I'm Black, I'm queer,
I'm left-handed.
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There are...
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00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:23,763
(laughter)
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There are a lot of words
I can say.
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00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,436
Listen, if you want
to cancel me,
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00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:31,904
you're gonna have to be...
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00:09:32,438 --> 00:09:36,409
a bi-racial, lesbian...
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00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:40,346
who is also trans
and in a wheelchair.
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00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:43,649
And even then, even then,
even then, I'm gonna be like,
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00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:46,452
"Yeah, but how much money
do your parents make?"
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00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:47,420
Huh?
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00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,188
And she's gonna say,
"I'm adopted."
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And I get to say, "Okay,
you win this round,
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00:09:50,856 --> 00:09:51,924
women's Hot Wheels."
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Now, time-out. Time-out.
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(laughter)
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00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:55,895
Time-out.
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00:09:55,895 --> 00:09:56,996
(applause)
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I want y'all to know something.
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00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,967
That was me rolling her
into affordable housing,
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00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,168
not...
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00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:03,369
(laughter)
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...off a cliff. Okay?
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Because y'all have been
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so sweet,
I will tell y'all a secret.
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A secret that I have only told
thousands of other people.
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00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:15,581
(laughter)
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00:10:15,581 --> 00:10:17,183
I'm not gay.
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00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:18,718
I just wanna be marketable.
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00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:23,155
But I'm also not straight,
because I'm not a child. Right?
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00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:24,790
What's the best way
I can describe this?
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I am queer,
as in everybody's hot.
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00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,364
Not gay, as in remind
the teacher we have homework.
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00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:32,565
I am...
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00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,733
(laughter)
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I am bi, because it is 2022
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and women also make money.
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So that's where I am.
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Y'all have been amazing.
254
00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:46,512
I'm Jay Jurden.
Thank you very much.
255
00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:48,648
(rhythmic music)
256
00:10:49,415 --> 00:10:50,783
(applause)
257
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:56,188
(rhythmic music)
258
00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:01,594
This next performer
is a Canadian Screen
259
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,963
award-winning writer
from Toronto.
260
00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:06,332
And although he is a white man
in comedy,
261
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:10,469
you'll be relieved to know
he does not have a podcast.
262
00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:13,706
Give it up for the one
and only Adam Christie.
263
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:16,275
(cheering)
264
00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:17,843
(rhythmic music)
265
00:11:20,212 --> 00:11:21,380
{\an8}Hi!
266
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:22,782
{\an8}Hello!
267
00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:24,216
{\an8}Hi!
268
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,285
I'm Adam Christie!
269
00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:28,587
I'm a white man!
270
00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:31,223
I write for TV!
271
00:11:31,924 --> 00:11:34,694
I write for Canadian TV!
272
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,195
(cheering)
273
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,864
Oh yeah! Canadian T...
Soak it in!
274
00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:42,601
Canadian TV! I get laid, dude!
275
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:44,403
I get laid, it's crazy.
276
00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:46,872
I write for Canadian TV.
I get laid.
277
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:51,944
Nothing makes a woman hornier
than Murdoch Mysteries.
278
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:56,348
It's crazy. I'm doing cocaine
with the horses from Heartland.
279
00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:58,617
It's nuts. Wow, hey,
what's good?
280
00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:01,153
Hey, these guys are my vibe.
What's going on, dudes?
281
00:12:01,153 --> 00:12:02,922
Hey, you two. Yeah!
What's up?
282
00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:06,492
Hey, two white-beard...
pieces of shit. Hell yeah, dude.
283
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,294
This is cool.
284
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:09,762
How tall are you?
285
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:11,664
- 6'5.
- 6... 6'5?
286
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:14,600
6'1, 6'5.
Fuck you, dude.
287
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,868
(laughter)
Ha-ha, yeah!
288
00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:17,103
Alpha, beta.
289
00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:19,905
Hell yeah, heckler owned.
Let's get these up.
290
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,709
I was...
(chuckling)
291
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:26,679
I was so excited for this show,
for this taping,
292
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:32,084
and then I did a comedy show in
a small comedy club in Toronto.
293
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:36,856
And I bombed so hard,
like top three bombs
294
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:38,624
ever in my life.
295
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:40,860
And I come off stage
and I sit down
296
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:43,796
and I'm sad. And my friend
comes up to me
297
00:12:43,796 --> 00:12:45,397
and he goes, "What's wrong?"
And I was like,
298
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:47,266
"Well, I have this taping
coming up.
299
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,803
And I just bombed."
And he goes, "Yeah."
300
00:12:50,803 --> 00:12:52,671
And I go, "Don't say 'yeah'."
301
00:12:53,672 --> 00:12:56,342
And he's like, "Adam,
what you don't know,
302
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:58,310
you weren't here for the first
part of the show,
303
00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:00,412
what you don't know is
the reason why you bombed
304
00:13:00,412 --> 00:13:03,716
is because half of the crowd
in there doesn't speak English.
305
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:06,452
They do not speak any English.
That's why you bombed.
306
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,487
So your taping is going
to be fine
307
00:13:08,487 --> 00:13:10,589
because more than half
of that crowd
308
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:12,625
are a bunch of people
from Quebec."
309
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,194
And he goes,
"Where's your taping?"
310
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:18,297
And I say, "Montreal!
311
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:19,532
(laughter)
312
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:22,868
It's in Montreal, Quebec!
313
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:25,437
Oh, I'm sure there won't
be any French people at the
314
00:13:25,437 --> 00:13:28,641
Juste pour rire Festival.
315
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,009
(laughter)
316
00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:31,443
Very good!"
317
00:13:33,112 --> 00:13:34,747
But you guys do speak
English, right?
318
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:35,781
You guys do speak English?
319
00:13:35,781 --> 00:13:36,682
(cheering)
320
00:13:36,682 --> 00:13:38,717
No response from that guy.
Hell yeah.
321
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:41,654
He was like, "We'll see,
asshole. We will see."
322
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:46,592
My life is good.
I got married, you know.
323
00:13:46,592 --> 00:13:48,260
I got married,
and that's nice.
324
00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:51,697
I'm not wearing my wedding ring,
actually, because I actually
325
00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:54,366
lost it in the divorce.
326
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:55,568
(laughter)
327
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:56,969
So that's what's going on.
328
00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:58,737
Can't wear that anymore.
329
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:01,106
But I have a girlfriend.
I love my girlfriend a lot.
330
00:14:01,106 --> 00:14:03,375
I love her so much.
My girlfriend is older than me.
331
00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:05,277
My girlfriend is older
than I am.
332
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:06,846
Which is a flaw.
333
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,781
It's one of her seven flaws.
334
00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:11,617
And I... It doesn't
really matter.
335
00:14:11,617 --> 00:14:12,718
I love that she's older
than me.
336
00:14:12,718 --> 00:14:15,487
Sometimes, our frame
of reference is different.
337
00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,990
Like, for example, do you guys
remember the show Gargoyles?
338
00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,358
Remember the cartoon Gargoyles?
339
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:20,392
Who remembers the cartoon?
340
00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:22,561
So my girlfriend
does not remember
341
00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:25,631
the television show Gargoyles
because she was not a child
342
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:27,900
when Gargoyles
was on television.
343
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,902
And this really affects
our relationship...
344
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:33,672
whenever I wanna talk
about Gargoyles. Right?
345
00:14:34,473 --> 00:14:36,542
And on her end,
her frame of reference for me
346
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:42,114
is that she's always telling me
to invest in war bonds.
347
00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:44,416
(laughter)
348
00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:48,387
My girlfriend's too...
349
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,688
I'm gonna break-up
with my girlfriend.
350
00:14:49,688 --> 00:14:51,357
No, I'm not.
Here's a fact about me.
351
00:14:51,357 --> 00:14:53,626
I've never broken up
with a girl in my whole life.
352
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,128
I've never done that.
All my years of dating women,
353
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:58,831
I've never done that.
I always let them do it to me
354
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,933
because I'm a feminist,
and that's a girl boss.
355
00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:03,269
Every woman I've ever dated
356
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:05,371
is like, "Get the hell
out of my life!"
357
00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:07,039
And I'm like, "Slay!
358
00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:10,809
Slay, fierce, queen, ally."
359
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:12,845
(laughter)
360
00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:19,351
I turn 35 this year,
which is nice.
361
00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:21,720
I turn 35 right before
Saint Patrick's Day.
362
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,822
Which is the first one to go
when you're getting older.
363
00:15:23,822 --> 00:15:25,824
It's the first holiday
that you stop celebrating
364
00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:27,326
when you're getting...
Unless you're Irish.
365
00:15:27,326 --> 00:15:28,761
Like, if you're
in your 30s or 40s
366
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:29,962
and you have a friend
that's like,
367
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:32,932
"What are we doing
on Saint Patrick's Day, dude?"
368
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,067
You're like,
"I don't know, Craig.
369
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,969
Raising your daughter?
370
00:15:36,969 --> 00:15:37,937
(laughter)
371
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:42,241
Raise your daughter, Craig.
It's Wednesday, Craig."
372
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,078
I got a Waterpik
for my birthday.
373
00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:47,746
That was my gift because
my girlfriend knows
374
00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:49,248
that I don't like flossing.
375
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:50,816
So I got a Waterpik
for my birthday.
376
00:15:50,816 --> 00:15:52,518
It's like an alternative
to flossing.
377
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:53,686
I got a Waterpik.
378
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:55,854
But I'm pretty sure
mine's broken
379
00:15:55,854 --> 00:15:58,223
because mine's just been
shooting blood into my mouth.
380
00:15:58,223 --> 00:16:00,359
(laughter)
381
00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:07,066
If you laughed at that,
you have gingivitis.
382
00:16:07,066 --> 00:16:09,268
(laughter)
383
00:16:15,674 --> 00:16:17,109
I have anxiety.
384
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:19,645
(laughter)
385
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,613
Anybody else have anxiety?
386
00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:23,382
(cheering)
387
00:16:23,382 --> 00:16:24,483
Alright, okay.
388
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,286
Room full of cowards,
I see how it is.
389
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:30,055
Me too. I know I have anxiety
because doctor told
390
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:31,323
me that I have anxiety.
391
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:33,592
And I know that I have
bad anxiety because it was
392
00:16:33,592 --> 00:16:36,195
a colonoscopy doctor
who told me I have anxiety.
393
00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:38,897
I got a colonoscopy
and the doctor said,
394
00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:40,399
"You have anxiety."
And I was like,
395
00:16:40,399 --> 00:16:43,669
"What did you find in there
that told you that?
396
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,271
What's going on in...
You looked at my colon
397
00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:48,207
and you saw fear?"
398
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,809
To be fair, whenever
I do fart, it makes the sound,
399
00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:53,112
"Ah!" So that makes sense.
400
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,048
I have anxiety because
the world is bad.
401
00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:58,817
It's bad there's global warming,
there's, you know...
402
00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:01,387
Nazis are back.
That's fun. There's Nazis.
403
00:17:01,387 --> 00:17:04,590
Why is there Nazi...
Why are there Canadian Nazis?
404
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:06,925
There's Canadian Nazis!
Cana...
405
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:10,396
The biggest loser sect of Nazis,
just like,
406
00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:11,663
"Oh, friggin' right, bud.
407
00:17:11,663 --> 00:17:15,501
Hitler's a fucking beaut,
eh? Right on. Jeez."
408
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:16,869
(laughter)
409
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:22,975
The world is bad.
There's racism and misogyny.
410
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:27,046
Air Bud. Uh...
Very misogynistic movie.
411
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:30,115
We gotta get Air Bud
because Air Bud is this film
412
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:33,152
about a basketball team,
and everyone on the team
413
00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:35,354
gets injured, right.
Except for four players.
414
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:37,523
And the ref's like,
"You're gonna forfeit the game
415
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:38,824
unless you dress
another player, right."
416
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,626
And then, they're like,
"Well, what do we do?
417
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:41,727
Do we get one of the girls
418
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:44,096
on the girls' basketball team
to come play?"
419
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:47,966
And then, they're like,
"No, no. This dog!
420
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:52,771
The dog will play basketball.
No thank you, girls.
421
00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:56,241
We have a dog. No, bad. Stop!"
422
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:59,144
And then, they win the game
with the dog
423
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:00,312
and the coach is vindicated.
424
00:18:00,312 --> 00:18:02,147
He's like, "I told you,
women are bad."
425
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:04,850
And that's the moral
of the story of Air Bud.
426
00:18:05,717 --> 00:18:08,554
Women are... Kamala Harris
will never be pres...
427
00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:10,722
Joe Biden could die today
and they'd be like,
428
00:18:10,722 --> 00:18:12,724
"Your next leader
of the Free World:
429
00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:16,228
the dog from Frasier.
Give it up. Eddie."
430
00:18:23,001 --> 00:18:24,536
I have to leave soon.
I don't want to.
431
00:18:24,536 --> 00:18:25,504
I love you guys.
432
00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:26,405
(laughter)
433
00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:27,706
I wanna stay here forever.
434
00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:28,574
(applause)
435
00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:29,608
I hope you...
436
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:32,144
I wasn't... No, stop it.
You know, I'm going...
437
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:33,545
I'm going to,
but I love you.
438
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,881
Follow my career.
Be my fans.
439
00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:38,350
(woman screaming indistinctly)
440
00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:40,285
I tried to buy a house.
441
00:18:40,986 --> 00:18:43,288
I tried to buy a house
in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
442
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:44,423
I tried to buy a house.
443
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:48,494
And did you know...
that I can't do that?
444
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,162
(laughter)
445
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:53,665
Did you know there's no world
in which that I can do that?
446
00:18:53,665 --> 00:18:56,368
That only people with rich
parents can own a house?
447
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:57,402
And those are the worst people.
448
00:18:57,402 --> 00:18:58,937
I hate them.
I hope they all die.
449
00:18:58,937 --> 00:19:00,706
And... Because they never
admit it.
450
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:01,874
People with rich parents
are always like,
451
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:03,509
"Oh yeah. We did okay."
452
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:04,776
And you're like,
"What does that mean?"
453
00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:05,677
And they're like, "Oh, yeah,
454
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:08,013
my mom was an orthopedic surgeon
455
00:19:08,013 --> 00:19:11,416
and my dad is a yacht."
You're like, "Okay..."
456
00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:12,651
(laughter)
457
00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:14,820
Don't have a house,
but I got a bidet.
458
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:17,856
Just got a bidet.
Two day... ordered on a bidet.
459
00:19:17,856 --> 00:19:19,525
Very exciting,
just got a bidet.
460
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:21,827
Just installed it.
I was pretty excited.
461
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:23,529
Except I'm pretty sure
mine's broken
462
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:25,964
because mine's just been
shooting blood into my ass.
463
00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:27,399
(laughter)
464
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,335
My name's Adam Christie.
Good night, everybody.
465
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:31,270
I love you, bye!
466
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:34,640
(rhythmic music)
467
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:41,280
(rhythmic music)
468
00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:50,422
This comic is Black,
gay, and female.
469
00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:52,991
Or as the US Supreme Court
calls her:
470
00:19:52,991 --> 00:19:55,027
Public Enemy Number One.
471
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,094
(laughter)
472
00:19:56,094 --> 00:19:58,263
Please welcome Sam Jay.
473
00:19:58,263 --> 00:20:00,365
(cheering)
474
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,267
(rhythmic music)
475
00:20:07,506 --> 00:20:08,407
Yo.
476
00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:10,409
Give it up for Chelsea Handler
y'all, for real.
477
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:11,710
(cheering)
478
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,680
{\an8}I fucking love her.
Like, I was a fan,
479
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,448
{\an8}but then, she started
fucking 50 Cent,
480
00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:17,916
{\an8}I was like, "This bitch
gangster, nigga.
481
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:18,850
(laughter)
482
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:20,852
This bitch got it.
483
00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:22,221
(laughing)
484
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,256
She the shit."
485
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:28,527
I, uh... I don't really fuck
with Montreal. Yeah, fuck y'all.
486
00:20:28,527 --> 00:20:29,761
(laughter)
487
00:20:29,761 --> 00:20:31,964
Yeah, fuck this place.
488
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:34,366
Last time I was here,
I was coming through
489
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:37,903
the Canadian TSA,
and they took my lotion.
490
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,439
Yeah, suck my dick,
suck my dick.
491
00:20:40,439 --> 00:20:42,174
The Black TSA dude too.
492
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:46,178
Black... Black man
took my cocoa butter lotion.
493
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:48,280
American Black men know,
don't take the fucking...
494
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,915
They don't take
your fucking lotion.
495
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,383
They just give you
the lotion nod like,
496
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:53,318
"Go ahead, that's lotion.
497
00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:56,255
Go ahead, you need that.
You need that."
498
00:20:57,556 --> 00:21:00,659
You need more than 3.4 ounces
of fucking lotion.
499
00:21:02,227 --> 00:21:05,364
That is such a white,
racist amount of lotion.
500
00:21:05,797 --> 00:21:09,534
Such a racist law.
3.4 oun...
501
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,603
Not even point five.
Just give me half!
502
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:14,172
Give the point five!
No, point four for your
503
00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:16,108
little white elbows.
504
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,676
(laughter)
505
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:22,714
It's sucker shit. I don't know
why I don't hear more
506
00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:25,550
about lotion rights
when it comes to the TSA.
507
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:29,988
Quite honestly, it's such
a fucking upside-down law.
508
00:21:30,555 --> 00:21:31,857
Like, you white, you white.
509
00:21:31,857 --> 00:21:33,959
How much lotion
do you use, for real?
510
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,427
Regularly.
511
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:38,563
Little bit! Exactly!
You put a dollop
512
00:21:38,563 --> 00:21:40,999
and you go all over
your whole body with it.
513
00:21:40,999 --> 00:21:44,136
(exclaiming)
514
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:45,370
Lotion, everywhere.
515
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:49,041
I use a half a bottle
of 24-ounce lotion daily.
516
00:21:49,041 --> 00:21:50,208
(laughter)
517
00:21:51,777 --> 00:21:54,980
That is the normal Black rate
of lotion use.
518
00:21:56,615 --> 00:21:59,251
3-point...
I put that on my fucking...
519
00:21:59,251 --> 00:22:02,454
kneecaps and then I'm done.
(laughter)
520
00:22:02,454 --> 00:22:04,056
I'm fresh out.
521
00:22:05,457 --> 00:22:08,994
I had two bags of weed
in that same bag.
522
00:22:10,796 --> 00:22:12,397
Two bags of weed.
523
00:22:12,397 --> 00:22:14,566
We found lotion.
Give it to me.
524
00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:18,837
Be ashy, bitch.
Fuck you... Montreal.
525
00:22:22,874 --> 00:22:27,979
It's weird how just...
I was, I went to use
the men's bathroom here
526
00:22:27,979 --> 00:22:29,681
because I do that sometimes.
527
00:22:30,382 --> 00:22:32,684
Like if it's too...
I'm not dumb, it's dumb.
528
00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:34,553
What are we doing?
Women are stupid.
529
00:22:34,553 --> 00:22:36,054
It's stupid.
Women, cut it out.
530
00:22:36,054 --> 00:22:38,023
It's pee. It's just pee.
531
00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:39,558
That's all that's going on
in there, I promise,
532
00:22:39,558 --> 00:22:40,726
I go there all the time.
533
00:22:40,726 --> 00:22:42,928
It's just niggas peeing.
Nothing weird.
534
00:22:42,928 --> 00:22:45,664
It's so dumb, you see a long
line for the women's bath...
535
00:22:45,664 --> 00:22:48,734
And women just...
(groaning)
536
00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:51,336
Ah! About to fucking explode.
537
00:22:51,336 --> 00:22:53,438
Meanwhile, the men's bathroom's
empty and they're just like,
538
00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:55,006
"No, I don't. I won't.
539
00:22:55,006 --> 00:22:56,842
I won't go in, I don't know
what's in there.
540
00:22:56,842 --> 00:22:58,643
Like, fucking toilets?"
541
00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:01,947
Also, men are much cleaner.
542
00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:04,116
You bitches are nasty,
by the way.
543
00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:05,650
Men, you don't go
in the women's bathroom.
544
00:23:05,650 --> 00:23:08,086
That shit is chaos.
545
00:23:08,086 --> 00:23:09,821
I don't know what happens,
I don't know if that's just
546
00:23:09,821 --> 00:23:11,656
where women let loose,
547
00:23:11,656 --> 00:23:13,925
but boy oh boy, you go into
the women's bathroom,
548
00:23:13,925 --> 00:23:17,462
they just be like, "Pad on the
wall. Blood on the floor.
549
00:23:18,163 --> 00:23:20,565
We don't give a fuck in here."
550
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:22,267
You're like, "Whoa, bitch."
551
00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:26,071
The fuck is going on?
552
00:23:27,272 --> 00:23:29,241
The men's bathroom be tidy, actually,
553
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:32,210
it's just pissy smelling, it's
just smell like piss everywhere.
554
00:23:32,844 --> 00:23:35,113
I recently, I recently went
to the men's bathroom
555
00:23:35,113 --> 00:23:36,782
because I couldn't wait
in the women's line,
556
00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:39,418
and when I got in there,
right, there was two urinals
557
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,353
and then there was a stall.
558
00:23:41,353 --> 00:23:44,790
So there's two urinals and
there's a stall, right?
559
00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:46,725
And if you've never been
in the men's bathroom,
560
00:23:46,725 --> 00:23:48,627
you don't know this,
but a lot of times like,
561
00:23:48,627 --> 00:23:50,762
when there's a stall,
they don't be having even
562
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:53,565
like a door 'cause men
don't give a fuck.
563
00:23:53,565 --> 00:23:56,001
Like, they free as fuck.
564
00:23:56,001 --> 00:23:58,637
And the only reason you would
even go into a stall
565
00:23:58,637 --> 00:24:00,872
is to take a shit.
And I think dudes are just like,
566
00:24:00,872 --> 00:24:02,641
"Well, you know what's
going on over here, shitting,
567
00:24:02,641 --> 00:24:05,177
so if you don't want that,
don't be looking over here
568
00:24:05,177 --> 00:24:07,979
or you're gonna see some shit
you don't want to see."
569
00:24:10,982 --> 00:24:15,687
So I go in, I go in, and there's
only a urinal and...
570
00:24:15,687 --> 00:24:18,890
a urinal available because
the other urinal's taken
571
00:24:18,890 --> 00:24:20,926
and there's a dude peeing
in the stall.
572
00:24:20,926 --> 00:24:22,861
I'm like, "Fuck, what do I do?"
573
00:24:22,861 --> 00:24:25,163
'Cause I can't just go pee
in the urinal, not yet,
574
00:24:25,163 --> 00:24:27,332
I've been practising at home,
but I'm not ready,
575
00:24:27,332 --> 00:24:29,734
I'm not street ready,
you know what I'm saying?
576
00:24:29,734 --> 00:24:31,870
I'm like, no, let me keep
this at the crib,
577
00:24:31,870 --> 00:24:33,338
I'm not ready to bust
that thing out,
578
00:24:33,338 --> 00:24:36,041
so I'm like, let me just wait
for the fucking stall.
579
00:24:36,041 --> 00:24:39,311
And then the dude looked up
and saw me, he saw me.
580
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:42,214
And he was like, "Oh shit,
you got titties."
581
00:24:42,214 --> 00:24:45,150
And I was like," Yeah, yeah,
I do got titties.
582
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:46,451
Where is this going?"
583
00:24:46,451 --> 00:24:47,919
(laughter)
584
00:24:47,919 --> 00:24:49,621
What's up, what we doin'?
585
00:24:49,621 --> 00:24:53,291
And then he siphoned off
his pee, he just stopped peeing,
586
00:24:53,291 --> 00:24:55,026
"whoop," caught his pee,
587
00:24:55,026 --> 00:24:58,163
walked his dick
over to the urinal,
588
00:24:58,163 --> 00:25:00,098
started peeing
in the urinal and said,
589
00:25:00,098 --> 00:25:01,666
"Go ahead, shorty."
590
00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:03,468
(laughter)
591
00:25:03,468 --> 00:25:06,571
And all I'm saying
is chivalry ain't dead,
you know what I mean?
592
00:25:07,906 --> 00:25:10,475
Men are good if
you let them be good, dog.
593
00:25:11,142 --> 00:25:12,811
I was taking a piss
blushing like,
594
00:25:12,811 --> 00:25:14,779
"You are so sweet."
595
00:25:15,213 --> 00:25:16,948
Hey, y'all were fun, Montreal.
596
00:25:16,948 --> 00:25:18,450
(applause)
597
00:25:18,450 --> 00:25:20,185
(upbeat music)
598
00:25:26,324 --> 00:25:28,560
(upbeat music)
599
00:25:30,462 --> 00:25:33,064
I spoke earlier
about my love for Whistler
600
00:25:33,064 --> 00:25:35,433
and if any of you have been
to whistler you will have seen
601
00:25:35,433 --> 00:25:36,601
me on the slopes.
602
00:25:36,601 --> 00:25:39,804
And when COVID was
at its first peak in 2020,
603
00:25:39,804 --> 00:25:42,440
I wanted to go to Whistler
for an extended stay,
604
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,409
but couldn't figure out
the paperwork
605
00:25:44,409 --> 00:25:47,045
to make it happen because you
Canadians are pretty strict
606
00:25:47,045 --> 00:25:49,014
and your borders are
a little too tight.
607
00:25:49,781 --> 00:25:52,517
So I thought of joining
a caravan of illegal
608
00:25:52,517 --> 00:25:55,353
American immigrants who attempt
to cross the border illegally,
609
00:25:55,353 --> 00:25:58,557
but I promised myself I would
never appear on Fox News.
610
00:25:58,557 --> 00:25:59,925
(laughter)
611
00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:01,993
(applause)
612
00:26:04,496 --> 00:26:07,966
I even thought about hiring a
coyote, but then I remembered
613
00:26:07,966 --> 00:26:10,602
I have a resourceful friend
from the States who told me
614
00:26:10,602 --> 00:26:13,505
he could help me finagle
a work visa here in Canada.
615
00:26:13,505 --> 00:26:17,409
My fixer, he's a celebrity,
and for obvious reason,
616
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:20,812
I'll keep him anonymous,
let's call him Kevin Hart.
617
00:26:20,812 --> 00:26:22,681
(laughter)
618
00:26:22,681 --> 00:26:26,084
Kevin was in Canada shooting
a movie and I saw him
619
00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:29,087
on his Instagram back in
Los Angeles for Thanksgiving
620
00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:32,624
and then the very next day
back on set in Canada.
621
00:26:32,624 --> 00:26:35,427
And I called him, I said,
"Listen Fancy-Footwork,
622
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:38,463
I know you're up to something.
Can you help me out?"
623
00:26:38,463 --> 00:26:40,699
He said, "No problem, Chel,
I got you, I got you,
624
00:26:40,699 --> 00:26:43,935
give me 24 hours."
And then he went off to work
625
00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:46,204
like a little Canadian visa elf.
626
00:26:46,204 --> 00:26:50,442
I knew that he must have had
a trick up his sleeve
627
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,877
and given his cute
diminutive little form,
628
00:26:52,877 --> 00:26:54,512
that sleeve couldn't be
very long,
629
00:26:54,512 --> 00:26:57,115
so it wouldn't take long
for him to find it.
630
00:26:57,115 --> 00:27:00,285
So 24 hours goes by
and I hear nothing.
631
00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:03,822
Turns out that people
who do 63 movies a year
632
00:27:03,822 --> 00:27:06,992
and six Mastercard commercials,
who also host
633
00:27:06,992 --> 00:27:10,695
14 podcasts and film every
workout and ice bath they take
634
00:27:10,695 --> 00:27:13,465
have other things on their mind.
635
00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:15,533
Finally, I got a text
from Kevin.
636
00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:17,802
He said, "I'm trying
to pull this off."
637
00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:21,439
I said, "You are useless and
completely full of shit."
638
00:27:22,874 --> 00:27:24,409
And he agreed.
639
00:27:25,243 --> 00:27:28,513
And then he said,
"Just don't let anyone know
what you're doing,
640
00:27:28,513 --> 00:27:29,948
just come in and out."
641
00:27:29,948 --> 00:27:32,684
And I wanna say tonight here,
in front of my fellow Canadians,
642
00:27:32,684 --> 00:27:34,686
that I ignored Kevin's advice
643
00:27:34,686 --> 00:27:36,788
and I ended up doing
everything above board.
644
00:27:36,788 --> 00:27:41,426
I got a work permit, I did
a full two-week quarantine,
645
00:27:41,426 --> 00:27:44,195
unlike someone I know,
Kevin Hart.
646
00:27:44,195 --> 00:27:45,797
(laughter)
647
00:27:45,797 --> 00:27:49,334
But he doesn't worry about COVID
because it doesn't affect kids
648
00:27:49,334 --> 00:27:51,770
or Kevin Hart.
(laughter)
649
00:27:53,605 --> 00:27:55,940
But I'm not mad at Kevin,
he tried his best.
650
00:27:55,940 --> 00:27:58,910
The point is, I got to Whistler
and I stayed there
651
00:27:58,910 --> 00:28:01,413
for four spectacular months.
652
00:28:01,413 --> 00:28:02,981
And after...
(cheering)
653
00:28:02,981 --> 00:28:04,182
Yeah, it was pretty epic.
654
00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:06,985
It was like an adult
spring break.
655
00:28:06,985 --> 00:28:10,121
And after all of that hassle,
I found out that Canada
656
00:28:10,121 --> 00:28:12,724
is one of the top ten
easiest countries in the world
657
00:28:12,724 --> 00:28:14,426
to get a work visa.
658
00:28:14,759 --> 00:28:17,929
The only thing I don't love
about Canada
659
00:28:17,929 --> 00:28:20,065
is that every time
I come up here,
660
00:28:20,065 --> 00:28:21,966
my family wants to tag along.
661
00:28:21,966 --> 00:28:24,402
They don't seem to understand
that the reason I travel
662
00:28:24,402 --> 00:28:26,371
is to get the fuck
away from them.
663
00:28:27,539 --> 00:28:29,774
So I signed both of my brothers
up for the Proud Boys
664
00:28:29,774 --> 00:28:31,976
to get them on a no-fly list.
665
00:28:31,976 --> 00:28:33,645
(laughter)
666
00:28:35,580 --> 00:28:37,682
I said my sisters
were the master minds
667
00:28:37,682 --> 00:28:40,385
behind the trucker convoy.
668
00:28:41,186 --> 00:28:43,455
And if anybody has
any other suggestions,
669
00:28:43,455 --> 00:28:45,557
please DM me after the show.
670
00:28:46,157 --> 00:28:48,259
My sister said,
"Just get us all visas."
671
00:28:48,259 --> 00:28:50,829
I tried to explain to her that
getting everyone a visa
672
00:28:50,829 --> 00:28:54,733
isn't like getting everyone
fast passes at Disneyland.
673
00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:57,836
You actually have to wait
in line here.
674
00:28:58,603 --> 00:29:00,605
Unless you know Kevin Hart.
675
00:29:00,605 --> 00:29:03,074
(cheering)
676
00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:11,883
This performer left being
a preschool teacher
677
00:29:11,883 --> 00:29:14,486
in Texas for a career doing
comedy in nightclubs.
678
00:29:14,486 --> 00:29:17,088
Why? Far fewer active shooters.
679
00:29:17,088 --> 00:29:19,557
Please welcome,
Vanessa Gonzales.
680
00:29:19,557 --> 00:29:21,559
(cheering)
681
00:29:26,231 --> 00:29:29,667
This is so wild.
What's up, Montreal?
682
00:29:29,667 --> 00:29:32,203
(cheering)
Oh my God.
683
00:29:32,203 --> 00:29:35,673
{\an8}I can't believe I get
to do this as a job.
684
00:29:35,673 --> 00:29:38,042
{\an8}Y'all are at my job right now.
685
00:29:38,042 --> 00:29:40,912
Act right, okay?
686
00:29:40,912 --> 00:29:43,448
It's super wild because
when I was young,
687
00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:46,785
I didn't have any ambitions
or aspirations.
688
00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:49,254
I didn't want to do
anything, y'all.
689
00:29:49,254 --> 00:29:52,457
When I was in high school
and everyone wa graduating,
690
00:29:52,457 --> 00:29:55,026
they were like, "What are you
gonna do after graduation?"
691
00:29:55,026 --> 00:30:00,064
I legit was like,
"I don't want to do anything.
692
00:30:01,266 --> 00:30:04,269
I guess I'll go to jail.
693
00:30:05,436 --> 00:30:07,472
Or the army.
694
00:30:08,373 --> 00:30:12,811
But the army makes you
do exercises, so jail, jail!"
695
00:30:12,811 --> 00:30:15,413
Yeah, that's how dumb I was.
696
00:30:15,413 --> 00:30:18,449
I thought jail sounded
like a good idea.
697
00:30:18,449 --> 00:30:21,219
I was like, you know,
making pros about it,
698
00:30:21,219 --> 00:30:24,856
I was like, "Okay,
well you get free rent,
699
00:30:24,856 --> 00:30:28,092
um... free food, that's good.
700
00:30:28,092 --> 00:30:30,762
Fingered all day.
701
00:30:31,796 --> 00:30:35,366
Who doesn't want that? Right?
702
00:30:36,067 --> 00:30:38,069
We all crave routine,
703
00:30:38,069 --> 00:30:40,972
I think is what it is, yeah.
704
00:30:41,439 --> 00:30:43,641
My mom prays for me a lot
705
00:30:43,641 --> 00:30:47,178
because I'm a comedian,
you know? Fair.
706
00:30:47,178 --> 00:30:51,749
And she sends me
religious memes every day.
707
00:30:51,749 --> 00:30:55,119
And every time she sends
a religious meme, she says,
708
00:30:55,119 --> 00:30:57,322
"Just want to send
a little help."
709
00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:02,227
And I'm like, "Okay, well then
Venmo me, bitch, or..."
710
00:31:03,995 --> 00:31:05,496
If you want to help...
711
00:31:06,431 --> 00:31:10,068
I don't know who's making
these religious memes
712
00:31:10,068 --> 00:31:12,537
and getting them to the moms...
713
00:31:13,471 --> 00:31:16,074
But y'all gotta stop. Okay?
714
00:31:16,074 --> 00:31:18,810
They don't even
make sense anymore.
715
00:31:18,810 --> 00:31:22,180
I saw one that was a picture
of the Virgin Mary
716
00:31:22,180 --> 00:31:24,883
and then, it just said,
"Treat yourself."
717
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,819
(laughter)
718
00:31:27,819 --> 00:31:29,821
Is that from the bible or...
719
00:31:31,489 --> 00:31:32,590
Yeah...
720
00:31:32,590 --> 00:31:35,693
The last religious meme
my mom sent me though
721
00:31:35,693 --> 00:31:37,462
was very concerning.
722
00:31:37,462 --> 00:31:41,900
It was a picture of a very
glittery gay Jesus,
723
00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:43,801
which I was on board for.
724
00:31:44,802 --> 00:31:48,072
But then, the glittery
words said,
725
00:31:48,072 --> 00:31:53,711
"When life gets
too hard to stand, kneel.
726
00:31:56,714 --> 00:32:02,220
And wait for God to fill
you with blessings."
727
00:32:07,258 --> 00:32:11,796
That's a BJ, right? Right?
728
00:32:13,364 --> 00:32:15,667
That is a BJ.
729
00:32:15,667 --> 00:32:19,037
I was like, "Mom, stop
sexting me please."
730
00:32:20,104 --> 00:32:21,906
This is nasty.
731
00:32:23,074 --> 00:32:27,078
On top of that, every Monday,
she sends out a Gonzales
732
00:32:27,078 --> 00:32:31,649
family newsletter,
which is just a group text
733
00:32:31,649 --> 00:32:33,718
to me and my two brothers.
734
00:32:33,718 --> 00:32:38,423
But she titles it,
"Gonzales Family Newsletter."
735
00:32:39,357 --> 00:32:42,961
And it always starts off with,
"Dear God."
736
00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:45,830
I'm like, "Okay,
God's on the thread too."
737
00:32:46,631 --> 00:32:48,900
I don't know how we got
that number.
738
00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:53,338
"Dear God, may you please
send many blessings
739
00:32:53,338 --> 00:32:55,606
to both of my sons this week
740
00:32:55,606 --> 00:33:01,012
as they are both educators
and essential workers, God?
741
00:33:01,012 --> 00:33:06,050
And you, more than anyone, know
how much blessings they need.
742
00:33:07,919 --> 00:33:11,322
And if you have time, God,
743
00:33:11,322 --> 00:33:14,125
may you please send blessings
744
00:33:14,125 --> 00:33:18,162
to my only daughter, Vanessa,
who will be watching the movie
745
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:22,233
'Honey I Shrunk the Kids'
for the 25th time."
746
00:33:23,067 --> 00:33:26,037
Thank you so much, y'all,
I'm Vanessa Gonzales!
747
00:33:26,037 --> 00:33:28,706
(upbeat music)
748
00:33:33,978 --> 00:33:36,614
(applause)
749
00:33:36,614 --> 00:33:39,917
Our next performer
is not only a talented comedian,
750
00:33:39,917 --> 00:33:43,321
she is also a very big deal
on Tik Tok and Instagram,
751
00:33:43,321 --> 00:33:46,491
{\an8}give it up for Atsuko Okatsuka!
752
00:33:46,491 --> 00:33:48,126
(cheering)
753
00:33:48,993 --> 00:33:52,630
Yes! Give it up for Chelsea,
everyone!
754
00:33:52,630 --> 00:33:55,433
Oh, oh, oh, yes!
What's up, Montreal?
755
00:33:55,433 --> 00:33:57,835
I love you! Yeah!
756
00:33:57,835 --> 00:34:01,406
Oh my God, it's so great
to be here, oh, it's great.
757
00:34:01,406 --> 00:34:03,808
I really almost lost myself
during the pandemic,
758
00:34:03,808 --> 00:34:05,576
{\an8}yeah, maybe you could relate,
you know?
759
00:34:05,576 --> 00:34:07,712
{\an8}I really almost did.
Like, I really thought
760
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:11,215
{\an8}that I was gonna start
planting lettuce.
761
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:15,319
No, you too? No, I really
woke up one day thinking,
762
00:34:15,319 --> 00:34:18,122
"Oh, I plant lettuce now."
763
00:34:20,191 --> 00:34:24,962
And my husband had to remind me
that that's not my personality.
764
00:34:26,030 --> 00:34:27,932
Yeah, he stopped me,
he was like, "Stop it,
765
00:34:27,932 --> 00:34:29,867
you are not a farmer!"
I was like, "You're right.
766
00:34:31,002 --> 00:34:35,406
You are right. I am
a Los Angeles comedian."
767
00:34:36,941 --> 00:34:39,377
He saved me a lot of time.
768
00:34:39,377 --> 00:34:41,846
Right? Possibly years,
from living out
769
00:34:41,846 --> 00:34:44,715
someone else's identity,
you know?
770
00:34:44,715 --> 00:34:47,652
Right? Yeah, or else I would
have never met you tonight
771
00:34:47,652 --> 00:34:50,121
is what I'm saying, right?
I could still be out there...
772
00:34:50,121 --> 00:34:53,057
Yeah. Yes. Thank you,
husband, yeah.
773
00:34:53,057 --> 00:34:54,025
(applause)
774
00:34:54,025 --> 00:34:56,127
I could still be
out there, right?
775
00:34:56,127 --> 00:34:58,863
Living me new life, right?
Oh, lettuce, two for five.
776
00:35:05,303 --> 00:35:08,139
And you might be like, "Well,
Atsuko, what are your interests?
777
00:35:08,139 --> 00:35:11,342
What are your interests
if it's not farming?"
778
00:35:11,976 --> 00:35:16,080
And it's like, I don't think
I particularly have any.
779
00:35:17,482 --> 00:35:20,651
But hey, you know, that's also
a personality too.
780
00:35:21,252 --> 00:35:22,920
Yeah, and that
should be empowering.
781
00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:24,655
That should be empowering, yes,
782
00:35:24,655 --> 00:35:27,425
my fellow basic person
who is clapping. Yes.
783
00:35:27,425 --> 00:35:29,861
If you're like, "I also don't
have hobbies or interests!"
784
00:35:29,861 --> 00:35:31,362
That's okay.
785
00:35:31,362 --> 00:35:35,399
That's okay, yeah, you are still
a whole person, yes.
786
00:35:35,399 --> 00:35:37,535
Yeah. 'Cause what, were we...
787
00:35:37,535 --> 00:35:39,637
We were all going
to make sourdough?
788
00:35:41,172 --> 00:35:43,608
No, think about it, we were
all gonna make sourdough?
789
00:35:43,608 --> 00:35:46,110
We can't all be bakers, no.
790
00:35:49,380 --> 00:35:52,049
'Cause someone's gotta be
the buyer.
791
00:35:53,251 --> 00:35:55,119
That's how the economy works.
792
00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:58,122
And I'm just saying,
that's me. Okay?
793
00:35:58,122 --> 00:36:01,492
I have no skills, so I buy
your shit that you make.
794
00:36:04,729 --> 00:36:05,963
You're welcome.
795
00:36:05,963 --> 00:36:07,331
(laughter)
796
00:36:07,331 --> 00:36:08,599
(applause)
797
00:36:14,138 --> 00:36:16,240
I'll tell you what I'm really
going through, okay?
798
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:19,744
The other day, I was looking
through old family photos
799
00:36:19,744 --> 00:36:24,282
when I was hit with the stark
realization that my father and I
800
00:36:24,282 --> 00:36:27,718
have... the same body.
801
00:36:30,087 --> 00:36:32,323
Yeah, it was a long night,
very lonely night,
802
00:36:32,323 --> 00:36:35,359
there he was, oh my God, in his
20s and 30s, me and him,
803
00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:37,929
same body. Same body, yeah.
804
00:36:37,929 --> 00:36:40,064
And my husband, he's so sweet,
you know, he always tells me,
805
00:36:40,064 --> 00:36:43,034
"God, you have such a hot bod."
You know, he's so sweet, just,
806
00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:46,003
"God, you have such a hot bod,"
you know, he's so sweet,
807
00:36:46,003 --> 00:36:48,773
just, "God, you have such
a hot bod."
808
00:36:48,773 --> 00:36:53,211
And then he always asks,
"How'd you get such a hot bod?"
809
00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:55,179
(laughter)
810
00:37:01,385 --> 00:37:02,620
And now I know.
811
00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:08,159
But I don't think I have it in
me to tell him yet, you know?
812
00:37:08,159 --> 00:37:10,695
Yeah, I figure he'll find out
sooner or later, you know?
813
00:37:10,695 --> 00:37:13,331
When we go to Bali to visit
my father where he lives.
814
00:37:13,331 --> 00:37:16,634
Yeah... and we go to the beach,
you know...
815
00:37:16,634 --> 00:37:18,502
(laughter)
816
00:37:18,502 --> 00:37:20,671
And we're all
in our bathing suits...
817
00:37:21,439 --> 00:37:23,207
And at some point,
my father and I will stand
818
00:37:23,207 --> 00:37:25,176
right next to each other,
819
00:37:25,176 --> 00:37:29,013
overlooking the ocean, you know,
with our hot bods.
820
00:37:30,715 --> 00:37:32,717
And my husband will look over
at us and he'll be like,
821
00:37:32,717 --> 00:37:36,153
"Wait!" And I'll be like,
822
00:37:36,153 --> 00:37:37,922
"It's weird for me too.
823
00:37:39,357 --> 00:37:41,125
It's weird for me too."
824
00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:42,960
And it is weird for me,
it is weird for me
825
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:44,862
to find this out
after all these years, okay?
826
00:37:44,862 --> 00:37:47,265
All this time, my dad too
would have looked good
827
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:49,767
in a belly button ring? Okay?
828
00:37:50,534 --> 00:37:52,603
All those wasted moments
where me and my dad
829
00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:54,739
could have been wearing
matching crop tops.
830
00:37:55,806 --> 00:37:59,010
Showing off our sleek waste line
that we both apparently share.
831
00:37:59,010 --> 00:38:01,379
Okay? And I should have known,
I should have known,
832
00:38:01,379 --> 00:38:03,614
'cause one time my dad
did get cold,
833
00:38:03,614 --> 00:38:04,949
so I let him borrow my jacket.
834
00:38:04,949 --> 00:38:07,285
And I was like, "Oh my God,
you also look good...
835
00:38:08,552 --> 00:38:10,554
in Urban Outfitters."
836
00:38:14,458 --> 00:38:16,761
But I like to look
at the brighter side
of things, you know?
837
00:38:16,761 --> 00:38:19,830
I was like, "Well now, my dad
and I could swap clothes.
838
00:38:20,765 --> 00:38:22,867
I could wear his hand-me-downs.
839
00:38:22,867 --> 00:38:24,869
You know, and...
840
00:38:24,869 --> 00:38:28,172
It's not every day
that people can say
841
00:38:28,172 --> 00:38:30,474
that they inherited
their dad's...
842
00:38:31,809 --> 00:38:33,678
literal "genes".
843
00:38:33,678 --> 00:38:35,179
(laughter)
844
00:38:35,179 --> 00:38:37,715
(upbeat music)
845
00:38:43,287 --> 00:38:45,156
(upbeat music)
(cheering)
846
00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:49,193
Okay, your next comic once
went on a blind date
847
00:38:49,193 --> 00:38:51,329
that was chaperoned
by her father.
848
00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:54,465
And more recently,
she opened for yours truly
849
00:38:54,465 --> 00:38:57,535
on a tour titled:
"Vaccinated and Horny."
850
00:38:57,535 --> 00:38:59,270
(cheering)
851
00:39:00,371 --> 00:39:02,840
Proving that being overprotective
852
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:04,775
of your kids never works.
853
00:39:04,775 --> 00:39:08,179
Give it up for the amazing
Salma Hindy.
854
00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:10,548
(cheering)
(upbeat music)
855
00:39:15,052 --> 00:39:19,090
Chelsea fucking Handler,
everybody!
856
00:39:20,524 --> 00:39:22,693
Montreal, how you doing?!
857
00:39:22,693 --> 00:39:24,362
(cheering)
858
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:27,465
{\an8}I'm so excited to be here.
859
00:39:27,465 --> 00:39:31,936
{\an8}A little about me, I grew up
with really overbearing parents,
860
00:39:31,936 --> 00:39:33,537
{\an8}like Chelsea said.
861
00:39:33,537 --> 00:39:37,074
My parents are very,
very strict Muslim.
862
00:39:37,074 --> 00:39:41,245
My father is an Imam.
Do you guys know what that is?
863
00:39:41,746 --> 00:39:43,581
It's like the Muslim version
of a priest.
864
00:39:43,581 --> 00:39:45,983
Just like, without
the pedophilia part.
865
00:39:47,752 --> 00:39:51,122
But with all the misogyny,
don't worry!
866
00:39:52,356 --> 00:39:55,393
Okay, wait, I want to get to
know you guys a little better,
867
00:39:55,393 --> 00:39:58,662
show of hands, who here was not
allowed to go trick-or-treating
868
00:39:58,662 --> 00:39:59,897
growing up?
869
00:40:01,031 --> 00:40:04,135
Okay, the only other person
of colour, yes.
870
00:40:05,336 --> 00:40:08,906
We're gonna start a club later.
Okay, none of you are invited.
871
00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:11,976
It's called "Victims of
Halal-oween."
872
00:40:15,813 --> 00:40:18,783
True story, till this day,
my dad still barricades
873
00:40:18,783 --> 00:40:21,485
the doors and turns off
all the lights on Halloween
874
00:40:21,485 --> 00:40:24,822
because he would rather us
fake our own deaths
875
00:40:24,822 --> 00:40:26,657
than to have to interact
with white people
876
00:40:26,657 --> 00:40:28,726
during their satanic holiday.
877
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:32,096
One time, he like,
accidentally opened the door
878
00:40:32,096 --> 00:40:33,431
'cause he was waiting
for something
879
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,065
and this kid was like,
"Trick or treat!"
880
00:40:35,065 --> 00:40:36,734
And he was like, "No!"
881
00:40:36,734 --> 00:40:40,304
So that's the kind of house
I grew up in.
882
00:40:40,304 --> 00:40:44,141
I recently actually moved
to New York.
883
00:40:44,141 --> 00:40:46,877
Yes, this is the right reaction.
884
00:40:48,312 --> 00:40:49,680
I was like, "Health care?
885
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:51,916
I don't want that.
None of that for me."
886
00:40:52,750 --> 00:40:57,321
No, I moved for my career, but
I also moved to get some space.
887
00:40:57,988 --> 00:41:00,391
I'm currently
in a "situationship".
888
00:41:00,391 --> 00:41:02,493
Do you guys know what that is?
(cheering)
889
00:41:02,493 --> 00:41:04,361
A lot of girls
are clapping, mm-hmm.
890
00:41:04,361 --> 00:41:06,597
For those of you
who don't know what that is,
891
00:41:06,597 --> 00:41:10,835
I met this guy a year ago and
I told him I really liked him
892
00:41:10,835 --> 00:41:13,304
and he immediately
friend-zoned me.
893
00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:16,307
So, I'm in this "situationship"
where it's like,
894
00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:18,142
"Oh, we're just friends,
we're just friends."
895
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:22,546
But then, he took my virginity
a few weeks ago, uh...
896
00:41:22,546 --> 00:41:24,715
Do you guys have
a friendship like that?
897
00:41:26,016 --> 00:41:28,018
This always like,
splits the audience,
898
00:41:28,018 --> 00:41:30,387
half the room is traumatized
and the other half is like,
899
00:41:30,387 --> 00:41:32,890
"Congratulations!"
900
00:41:33,757 --> 00:41:35,960
Okay, but the CDC
says it doesn't count
901
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:40,231
if he wasn't fully hard,
so I'm still a virgin!
902
00:41:44,001 --> 00:41:47,338
Guys, I'm not gonna lie,
sex is a lot harder to get
than I thought, okay?
903
00:41:47,338 --> 00:41:50,541
I wasn't led to believe that
it would be this difficult.
904
00:41:50,541 --> 00:41:54,812
And it's weird because
in the west, we have freedom,
905
00:41:54,812 --> 00:41:56,680
but men can't get hard.
906
00:41:58,382 --> 00:41:59,984
And in the east,
they have no freedom,
907
00:41:59,984 --> 00:42:02,653
but they know exactly
what to do, so,
908
00:42:02,653 --> 00:42:05,623
I'm gonna have to wait till
either white men can get hard
909
00:42:05,623 --> 00:42:08,392
or Egypt gets loose.
910
00:42:09,727 --> 00:42:13,797
And that could take a while,
but my money's on Egypt though.
911
00:42:13,797 --> 00:42:17,034
Thank you guys so much,
you've been so amazing.
912
00:42:17,034 --> 00:42:18,836
Have a great night.
913
00:42:18,836 --> 00:42:20,571
(upbeat music)
914
00:42:27,511 --> 00:42:30,814
Oh, yes, give it up for
all the comedians tonight.
915
00:42:30,814 --> 00:42:33,217
(cheering)
916
00:42:35,352 --> 00:42:39,189
That is... That is the end
of our show tonight
917
00:42:39,189 --> 00:42:41,358
and if we've made
just one person laugh
918
00:42:41,358 --> 00:42:44,929
and go home with a new variant,
we have done our job.
919
00:42:44,929 --> 00:42:48,632
So good night everybody,
thank you, Montreal!
920
00:42:49,266 --> 00:42:50,601
(cheering)
921
00:42:50,601 --> 00:42:52,836
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