Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(laughing)

You're at JFL, with Chelsea Handler.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Starring Adam Christie,

Salma Hindy,

Sam Jay,

Vanessa Gonzalez and more...

with Chelsea Handler at JFL.

(cheering) (upbeat music)

Oh, yeah!

Hi!

Yeah!

What's up, Canada?

Thank you, thank you. Hello to all my Canadians.

I am so excited that we get to enjoy this togetherness

together tonight. We are all survivors.

(cheering)

We all survived a global pandemic with just enough time

to open our arms to monkeypox.

So, yip, hip, hooray!

And if I have to be somewhere in this world,

I will say, it is always nice to be here in Canada.

(cheering)

Isn't it great that women can be funny now,

especially after we just got our rights taken away?

(laughter)

(applause)

You know how it is, you guys.

You have a supreme court up here too.

Yours just has way less sexual assaulters than ours does.

(laughter)

Because Canada would never

demean women the way the US does.

Never.

(cheering)

And that's why I spend so much time up here,

for my sanity.

Anyone who knows me knows I love to spend my winters

in Whistler where I ski topless every year.

(cheering)

Thank you, thank you.

For my annual birthday video where I hold a joint

and a Margarita, which are also my passions.

(cheering)

People think that it's just for fun,

but the truth is is that I'm an American refugee.

(laughter)

And I'm here tonight to beg Canada for citizenship.

(cheering)

For us Americans, Canada is like that nerd in high school

that you didn't pay attention to, you know?

And then, you get older and wiser,

and then you run into him years later, and you're like,

"Wow, that's the guy I should've lost my virginity to

in the back of a Cutlass Supreme.

(cheering)

And America is the football quarterback that you slept with

in high school who has since gained 60 pounds,

lost all his hair and gets his COVID advice from Joe Rogan.

(cheering)

And Canadian men, shout-out to you.

You guys are all so much better-mannered

than your American neighbours. Okay?

You will never find yourself in an argument with a Canadian man

about wearing a mask during a pandemic.

Well, unless you're a truck driver.

(laughter)

And then, you have problems.

But most men up here are just so polite

and less likely to interrupt women.

And I want to say thank you for that,

on behalf of all women.

Thank you for respecting us.

(cheering)

But enough about Canadian men because as great as the men are,

this country's greatest natural resource is the women.

(cheering)

That's right.

I've made so many great friends up here.

And I like any country where the men are mild-mannered

and docile, and the women are badasses.

(laughter)

It's like the ancient Greek myth

about the Amazons: a race of brave and courageous

war-like goddesses who only needed men

for breeding purposes.

(laughter)

That's my kind of country.

It's like the Republican Party's worst nightmare.

(laughter)

American women go to restaurants and take pictures of their food.

They don't even eat. They just pose with it

while their "Insta" boyfriends get content for them.

Canadian women will go out into the wild

and wrestle their dinner to the ground.

And if you try to take a picture of it, they will eat you.

(laughter)

Deep down, I feel like a Canadian woman.

And I have the calf muscles to prove it.

Every time I come up here, I get closer and closer

to my true lesbian form.

(laughter)

And I know you've got sophisticated city folk up here,

but I am not up here for that.

I am up here for the psilocybin and to transition

into the full-mountain woman that's been deep inside me,

shouting to get out.

I believe that there is nothing in the Canadian wilderness

I couldn't survive because I've been surviving the wilds

of show business for years now.

I've had breakfast in a private dining room

with Harvey Weinstein.

I've been alone in a hotel room with Bill Cosby.

And I accidentally once had dinner

with Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn.

(laughter)

And I remember showing up to that dinner, looking around

and thinking, "I can't do this, as a woman,

sit here and have dinner with this man. I can't.

I have to say something."

So... I bided my time and I waited,

and I played nice for the whole dinner.

And then, when the dessert came, they handed him

some blackberry cobbler, and as he took a bite of it,

I leaned over to him and Soon-Yi and said,

"How did you two meet?"

(laughter)

(cheering)

If you see something, you have to say something.

Enjoy your night!

(cheering)

(rhythmic music)

This next comedian describes himself as an X-Men nerd,

not to be confused with those really cool X-Men aficionados

who are always getting laid.

Please welcome Jay Jurden.

(cheering)

(rhythmic music)

Thank you.

Hell yeah! Thank you so much, Montreal.

Let's get into it. Chelsea already brought it up.

Let's talk about monkeypox.

(laughter)

First of all, I do not have it.

Secondly, if a Black person does catch monkeypox,

please call it something different.

(laughter)

Monkey?! Pox!

In 2022! And people are like,

"Oh no, it's called monkeypox because it's from Africa."

You're making it worse.

(laughter)

You could call it anything.

You could call it "not so small" pox.

You could call it "medium" pox.

Hell, you could even call it "two" pox.

(laughter) But monkey... pox?!

I originally am from Mississippi.

Now, let me tell you something.

If you don't know anything about Mississippi,

America talks about Mississippi the same way that Canada

talks about America. Just...

(laughter)

A lot of tweets saying, "Y'all okay down there?"

No, you're not. Now, whenever you get on stage and you say

you're from Mississippi, people instantly react.

One time, I got on stage, said I was from Mississippi,

a guy in the front row said, "Mississippi? Woo!"

I said, "Sir, I can see you. Where are you from?"

He said Syria. I was like, "Syria?!

(laughter)

Syria?! Come on, man! Are you 'Syri-us'?

Come on, Syria! Don't you have a civil war

you need to worry about?"

He looked at me, he said,

"Mississippi, don't you have

a civil war you need to worry about?"

(laughter)

(applause)

I can tell I like this crowd because I hear some fun,

straight girl laughs. Straight girls!

(cheering)

Yeah!

Oh my gosh! Straight women, we go way back.

Middle school. Now, straight girls, I do have a question.

There's a recent phenomenon. It's really picking my interest.

Why do y'all love... what's the word...

fucking ugly dudes? What?!

(laughter)

What is the reasoning? Do you know that being straight

doesn't have to be a dare?

You can... enjoy it.

And then, they will come up to me after the show

about this joke and say, "Well, Jay, I happen to like

my men a little ugly. Right, babe?"

And this poor guy was like,

"You hear that? She only said a little!"

(laughter)

They will brag to me about their ugly man.

They'll say, "Well, Jay, just so you know, me and my ugly

man, we are going to Paris."

I'm like, "Yeah, he's gotta get back to the cathedral.

Those bells won't ring themselves."

(laughter)

Y'all seem like y'all aren't gonna cancel me for that joke.

I'm happy about that. Every comedian currently

right now is so worried about cancel culture.

Everyone's worried about cancel culture.

Everyone... except for me.

(laughter)

Because, do you understand how hard it would be

to cancel... me?

(laughter)

I'm Black, I'm queer, I'm left-handed.

There are...

(laughter)

There are a lot of words I can say.

Listen, if you want to cancel me,

you're gonna have to be...

a bi-racial, lesbian...

who is also trans and in a wheelchair.

And even then, even then, even then, I'm gonna be like,

"Yeah, but how much money do your parents make?"

Huh?

And she's gonna say, "I'm adopted."

And I get to say, "Okay, you win this round,

women's Hot Wheels."

Now, time-out. Time-out.

(laughter)

Time-out.

(applause)

I want y'all to know something.

That was me rolling her into affordable housing,

not...

(laughter)

...off a cliff. Okay?

Because y'all have been

so sweet, I will tell y'all a secret.

A secret that I have only told thousands of other people.

(laughter)

I'm not gay.

I just wanna be marketable.

But I'm also not straight, because I'm not a child. Right?

What's the best way I can describe this?

I am queer, as in everybody's hot.

Not gay, as in remind the teacher we have homework.

I am...

(laughter)

I am bi, because it is 2022

and women also make money.

So that's where I am.

Y'all have been amazing.

I'm Jay Jurden. Thank you very much.

(rhythmic music)

(applause)

(rhythmic music)

This next performer is a Canadian Screen

award-winning writer from Toronto.

And although he is a white man in comedy,

you'll be relieved to know he does not have a podcast.

Give it up for the one and only Adam Christie.

(cheering)

(rhythmic music)

Hi!

Hello!

Hi!

I'm Adam Christie!

I'm a white man!

I write for TV!

I write for Canadian TV!

(cheering)

Oh yeah! Canadian T... Soak it in!

Canadian TV! I get laid, dude!

I get laid, it's crazy.

I write for Canadian TV. I get laid.

Nothing makes a woman hornier than Murdoch Mysteries.

It's crazy. I'm doing cocaine with the horses from Heartland.

It's nuts. Wow, hey, what's good?

Hey, these guys are my vibe. What's going on, dudes?

Hey, you two. Yeah! What's up?

Hey, two white-beard... pieces of shit. Hell yeah, dude.

This is cool.

How tall are you?

- 6'5. - 6... 6'5?

6'1, 6'5. Fuck you, dude.

(laughter) Ha-ha, yeah!

Alpha, beta.

Hell yeah, heckler owned. Let's get these up.

I was... (chuckling)

I was so excited for this show, for this taping,

and then I did a comedy show in a small comedy club in Toronto.

And I bombed so hard, like top three bombs

ever in my life.

And I come off stage and I sit down

and I'm sad. And my friend comes up to me

and he goes, "What's wrong?" And I was like,

"Well, I have this taping coming up.

And I just bombed." And he goes, "Yeah."

And I go, "Don't say 'yeah'."

And he's like, "Adam, what you don't know,

you weren't here for the first part of the show,

what you don't know is the reason why you bombed

is because half of the crowd in there doesn't speak English.

They do not speak any English. That's why you bombed.

So your taping is going to be fine

because more than half of that crowd

are a bunch of people from Quebec."

And he goes, "Where's your taping?"

And I say, "Montreal!

(laughter)

It's in Montreal, Quebec!

Oh, I'm sure there won't be any French people at the

Juste pour rire Festival.

(laughter)

Very good!"

But you guys do speak English, right?

You guys do speak English?

(cheering)

No response from that guy. Hell yeah.

He was like, "We'll see, asshole. We will see."

My life is good. I got married, you know.

I got married, and that's nice.

I'm not wearing my wedding ring, actually, because I actually

lost it in the divorce.

(laughter)

So that's what's going on.

Can't wear that anymore.

But I have a girlfriend. I love my girlfriend a lot.

I love her so much. My girlfriend is older than me.

My girlfriend is older than I am.

Which is a flaw.

It's one of her seven flaws.

And I... It doesn't really matter.

I love that she's older than me.

Sometimes, our frame of reference is different.

Like, for example, do you guys remember the show Gargoyles?

Remember the cartoon Gargoyles?

Who remembers the cartoon?

So my girlfriend does not remember

the television show Gargoyles because she was not a child

when Gargoyles was on television.

And this really affects our relationship...

whenever I wanna talk about Gargoyles. Right?

And on her end, her frame of reference for me

is that she's always telling me to invest in war bonds.

(laughter)

My girlfriend's too...

I'm gonna break-up with my girlfriend.

No, I'm not. Here's a fact about me.

I've never broken up with a girl in my whole life.

I've never done that. All my years of dating women,

I've never done that. I always let them do it to me

because I'm a feminist, and that's a girl boss.

Every woman I've ever dated

is like, "Get the hell out of my life!"

And I'm like, "Slay!

Slay, fierce, queen, ally."

(laughter)

I turn 35 this year, which is nice.

I turn 35 right before Saint Patrick's Day.

Which is the first one to go when you're getting older.

It's the first holiday that you stop celebrating

when you're getting... Unless you're Irish.

Like, if you're in your 30s or 40s

and you have a friend that's like,

"What are we doing on Saint Patrick's Day, dude?"

You're like, "I don't know, Craig.

Raising your daughter?

(laughter)

Raise your daughter, Craig. It's Wednesday, Craig."

I got a Waterpik for my birthday.

That was my gift because my girlfriend knows

that I don't like flossing.

So I got a Waterpik for my birthday.

It's like an alternative to flossing.

I got a Waterpik.

But I'm pretty sure mine's broken

because mine's just been shooting blood into my mouth.

(laughter)

If you laughed at that, you have gingivitis.

(laughter)

I have anxiety.

(laughter)

Anybody else have anxiety?

(cheering)

Alright, okay.

Room full of cowards, I see how it is.

Me too. I know I have anxiety because doctor told

me that I have anxiety.

And I know that I have bad anxiety because it was

a colonoscopy doctor who told me I have anxiety.

I got a colonoscopy and the doctor said,

"You have anxiety." And I was like,

"What did you find in there that told you that?

What's going on in... You looked at my colon

and you saw fear?"

To be fair, whenever I do fart, it makes the sound,

"Ah!" So that makes sense.

I have anxiety because the world is bad.

It's bad there's global warming, there's, you know...

Nazis are back. That's fun. There's Nazis.

Why is there Nazi... Why are there Canadian Nazis?

There's Canadian Nazis! Cana...

The biggest loser sect of Nazis, just like,

"Oh, friggin' right, bud.

Hitler's a fucking beaut, eh? Right on. Jeez."

(laughter)

The world is bad. There's racism and misogyny.

Air Bud. Uh... Very misogynistic movie.

We gotta get Air Bud because Air Bud is this film

about a basketball team, and everyone on the team

gets injured, right. Except for four players.

And the ref's like, "You're gonna forfeit the game

unless you dress another player, right."

And then, they're like, "Well, what do we do?

Do we get one of the girls

on the girls' basketball team to come play?"

And then, they're like, "No, no. This dog!

The dog will play basketball. No thank you, girls.

We have a dog. No, bad. Stop!"

And then, they win the game with the dog

and the coach is vindicated.

He's like, "I told you, women are bad."

And that's the moral of the story of Air Bud.

Women are... Kamala Harris will never be pres...

Joe Biden could die today and they'd be like,

"Your next leader of the Free World:

the dog from Frasier. Give it up. Eddie."

I have to leave soon. I don't want to.

I love you guys.

(laughter)

I wanna stay here forever.

(applause)

I hope you...

I wasn't... No, stop it. You know, I'm going...

I'm going to, but I love you.

Follow my career. Be my fans.

(woman screaming indistinctly)

I tried to buy a house.

I tried to buy a house in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

I tried to buy a house.

And did you know... that I can't do that?

(laughter)

Did you know there's no world in which that I can do that?

That only people with rich parents can own a house?

And those are the worst people.

I hate them. I hope they all die.

And... Because they never admit it.

People with rich parents are always like,

"Oh yeah. We did okay."

And you're like, "What does that mean?"

And they're like, "Oh, yeah,

my mom was an orthopedic surgeon

and my dad is a yacht." You're like, "Okay..."

(laughter)

Don't have a house, but I got a bidet.

Just got a bidet. Two day... ordered on a bidet.

Very exciting, just got a bidet.

Just installed it. I was pretty excited.

Except I'm pretty sure mine's broken

because mine's just been shooting blood into my ass.

(laughter)

My name's Adam Christie. Good night, everybody.

I love you, bye!

(rhythmic music)

(rhythmic music)

This comic is Black, gay, and female.

Or as the US Supreme Court calls her:

Public Enemy Number One.

(laughter)

Please welcome Sam Jay.

(cheering)

(rhythmic music)

Yo.

Give it up for Chelsea Handler y'all, for real.

(cheering)

I fucking love her. Like, I was a fan,

but then, she started fucking 50 Cent,

I was like, "This bitch gangster, nigga.

(laughter)

This bitch got it.

(laughing)

She the shit."

I, uh... I don't really fuck with Montreal. Yeah, fuck y'all.

(laughter)

Yeah, fuck this place.

Last time I was here, I was coming through

the Canadian TSA, and they took my lotion.

Yeah, suck my dick, suck my dick.

The Black TSA dude too.

Black... Black man took my cocoa butter lotion.

American Black men know, don't take the fucking...

They don't take your fucking lotion.

They just give you the lotion nod like,

"Go ahead, that's lotion.

Go ahead, you need that. You need that."

You need more than 3.4 ounces of fucking lotion.

That is such a white, racist amount of lotion.

Such a racist law. 3.4 oun...

Not even point five. Just give me half!

Give the point five! No, point four for your

little white elbows.

(laughter)

It's sucker shit. I don't know why I don't hear more

about lotion rights when it comes to the TSA.

Quite honestly, it's such a fucking upside-down law.

Like, you white, you white.

How much lotion do you use, for real?

Regularly.

Little bit! Exactly! You put a dollop

and you go all over your whole body with it.

(exclaiming)

Lotion, everywhere.

I use a half a bottle of 24-ounce lotion daily.

(laughter)

That is the normal Black rate of lotion use.

3-point... I put that on my fucking...

kneecaps and then I'm done. (laughter)

I'm fresh out.

I had two bags of weed in that same bag.

Two bags of weed.

We found lotion. Give it to me.

Be ashy, bitch. Fuck you... Montreal.

It's weird how just... I was, I went to use the men's bathroom here

because I do that sometimes.

Like if it's too... I'm not dumb, it's dumb.

What are we doing? Women are stupid.

It's stupid. Women, cut it out.

It's pee. It's just pee.

That's all that's going on in there, I promise,

I go there all the time.

It's just niggas peeing. Nothing weird.

It's so dumb, you see a long line for the women's bath...

And women just... (groaning)

Ah! About to fucking explode.

Meanwhile, the men's bathroom's empty and they're just like,

"No, I don't. I won't.

I won't go in, I don't know what's in there.

Like, fucking toilets?"

Also, men are much cleaner.

You bitches are nasty, by the way.

Men, you don't go in the women's bathroom.

That shit is chaos.

I don't know what happens, I don't know if that's just

where women let loose,

but boy oh boy, you go into the women's bathroom,

they just be like, "Pad on the wall. Blood on the floor.

We don't give a fuck in here."

You're like, "Whoa, bitch."

The fuck is going on?

The men's bathroom be tidy, actually,

it's just pissy smelling, it's just smell like piss everywhere.

I recently, I recently went to the men's bathroom

because I couldn't wait in the women's line,

and when I got in there, right, there was two urinals

and then there was a stall.

So there's two urinals and there's a stall, right?

And if you've never been in the men's bathroom,

you don't know this, but a lot of times like,

when there's a stall, they don't be having even

like a door 'cause men don't give a fuck.

Like, they free as fuck.

And the only reason you would even go into a stall

is to take a shit. And I think dudes are just like,

"Well, you know what's going on over here, shitting,

so if you don't want that, don't be looking over here

or you're gonna see some shit you don't want to see."

So I go in, I go in, and there's only a urinal and...

a urinal available because the other urinal's taken

and there's a dude peeing in the stall.

I'm like, "Fuck, what do I do?"

'Cause I can't just go pee in the urinal, not yet,

I've been practising at home, but I'm not ready,

I'm not street ready, you know what I'm saying?

I'm like, no, let me keep this at the crib,

I'm not ready to bust that thing out,

so I'm like, let me just wait for the fucking stall.

And then the dude looked up and saw me, he saw me.

And he was like, "Oh shit, you got titties."

And I was like," Yeah, yeah, I do got titties.

Where is this going?"

(laughter)

What's up, what we doin'?

And then he siphoned off his pee, he just stopped peeing,

"whoop," caught his pee,

walked his dick over to the urinal,

started peeing in the urinal and said,

"Go ahead, shorty."

(laughter)

And all I'm saying is chivalry ain't dead, you know what I mean?

Men are good if you let them be good, dog.

I was taking a piss blushing like,

"You are so sweet."

Hey, y'all were fun, Montreal.

(applause)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

I spoke earlier about my love for Whistler

and if any of you have been to whistler you will have seen

me on the slopes.

And when COVID was at its first peak in 2020,

I wanted to go to Whistler for an extended stay,

but couldn't figure out the paperwork

to make it happen because you Canadians are pretty strict

and your borders are a little too tight.

So I thought of joining a caravan of illegal

American immigrants who attempt to cross the border illegally,

but I promised myself I would never appear on Fox News.

(laughter)

(applause)

I even thought about hiring a coyote, but then I remembered

I have a resourceful friend from the States who told me

he could help me finagle a work visa here in Canada.

My fixer, he's a celebrity, and for obvious reason,

I'll keep him anonymous, let's call him Kevin Hart.

(laughter)

Kevin was in Canada shooting a movie and I saw him

on his Instagram back in Los Angeles for Thanksgiving

and then the very next day back on set in Canada.

And I called him, I said, "Listen Fancy-Footwork,

I know you're up to something. Can you help me out?"

He said, "No problem, Chel, I got you, I got you,

give me 24 hours." And then he went off to work

like a little Canadian visa elf.

I knew that he must have had a trick up his sleeve

and given his cute diminutive little form,

that sleeve couldn't be very long,

so it wouldn't take long for him to find it.

So 24 hours goes by and I hear nothing.

Turns out that people who do 63 movies a year

and six Mastercard commercials, who also host

14 podcasts and film every workout and ice bath they take

have other things on their mind.

Finally, I got a text from Kevin.

He said, "I'm trying to pull this off."

I said, "You are useless and completely full of shit."

And he agreed.

And then he said, "Just don't let anyone know what you're doing,

just come in and out."

And I wanna say tonight here, in front of my fellow Canadians,

that I ignored Kevin's advice

and I ended up doing everything above board.

I got a work permit, I did a full two-week quarantine,

unlike someone I know, Kevin Hart.

(laughter)

But he doesn't worry about COVID because it doesn't affect kids

or Kevin Hart. (laughter)

But I'm not mad at Kevin, he tried his best.

The point is, I got to Whistler and I stayed there

for four spectacular months.

And after... (cheering)

Yeah, it was pretty epic.

It was like an adult spring break.

And after all of that hassle, I found out that Canada

is one of the top ten easiest countries in the world

to get a work visa.

The only thing I don't love about Canada

is that every time I come up here,

my family wants to tag along.

They don't seem to understand that the reason I travel

is to get the fuck away from them.

So I signed both of my brothers up for the Proud Boys

to get them on a no-fly list.

(laughter)

I said my sisters were the master minds

behind the trucker convoy.

And if anybody has any other suggestions,

please DM me after the show.

My sister said, "Just get us all visas."

I tried to explain to her that getting everyone a visa

isn't like getting everyone fast passes at Disneyland.

You actually have to wait in line here.

Unless you know Kevin Hart.

(cheering)

This performer left being a preschool teacher

in Texas for a career doing comedy in nightclubs.

Why? Far fewer active shooters.

Please welcome, Vanessa Gonzales.

(cheering)

This is so wild. What's up, Montreal?

(cheering) Oh my God.

I can't believe I get to do this as a job.

Y'all are at my job right now.

Act right, okay?

It's super wild because when I was young,

I didn't have any ambitions or aspirations.

I didn't want to do anything, y'all.

When I was in high school and everyone wa graduating,

they were like, "What are you gonna do after graduation?"

I legit was like, "I don't want to do anything.

I guess I'll go to jail.

Or the army.

But the army makes you do exercises, so jail, jail!"

Yeah, that's how dumb I was.

I thought jail sounded like a good idea.

I was like, you know, making pros about it,

I was like, "Okay, well you get free rent,

um... free food, that's good.

Fingered all day.

Who doesn't want that? Right?

We all crave routine,

I think is what it is, yeah.

My mom prays for me a lot

because I'm a comedian, you know? Fair.

And she sends me religious memes every day.

And every time she sends a religious meme, she says,

"Just want to send a little help."

And I'm like, "Okay, well then Venmo me, bitch, or..."

If you want to help...

I don't know who's making these religious memes

and getting them to the moms...

But y'all gotta stop. Okay?

They don't even make sense anymore.

I saw one that was a picture of the Virgin Mary

and then, it just said, "Treat yourself."

(laughter)

Is that from the bible or...

Yeah...

The last religious meme my mom sent me though

was very concerning.

It was a picture of a very glittery gay Jesus,

which I was on board for.

But then, the glittery words said,

"When life gets too hard to stand, kneel.

And wait for God to fill you with blessings."

That's a BJ, right? Right?

That is a BJ.

I was like, "Mom, stop sexting me please."

This is nasty.

On top of that, every Monday, she sends out a Gonzales

family newsletter, which is just a group text

to me and my two brothers.

But she titles it, "Gonzales Family Newsletter."

And it always starts off with, "Dear God."

I'm like, "Okay, God's on the thread too."

I don't know how we got that number.

"Dear God, may you please send many blessings

to both of my sons this week

as they are both educators and essential workers, God?

And you, more than anyone, know how much blessings they need.

And if you have time, God,

may you please send blessings

to my only daughter, Vanessa, who will be watching the movie

'Honey I Shrunk the Kids' for the 25th time."

Thank you so much, y'all, I'm Vanessa Gonzales!

(upbeat music)

(applause)

Our next performer is not only a talented comedian,

she is also a very big deal on Tik Tok and Instagram,

give it up for Atsuko Okatsuka!

(cheering)

Yes! Give it up for Chelsea, everyone!

Oh, oh, oh, yes! What's up, Montreal?

I love you! Yeah!

Oh my God, it's so great to be here, oh, it's great.

I really almost lost myself during the pandemic,

yeah, maybe you could relate, you know?

I really almost did. Like, I really thought

that I was gonna start planting lettuce.

No, you too? No, I really woke up one day thinking,

"Oh, I plant lettuce now."

And my husband had to remind me that that's not my personality.

Yeah, he stopped me, he was like, "Stop it,

you are not a farmer!" I was like, "You're right.

You are right. I am a Los Angeles comedian."

He saved me a lot of time.

Right? Possibly years, from living out

someone else's identity, you know?

Right? Yeah, or else I would have never met you tonight

is what I'm saying, right? I could still be out there...

Yeah. Yes. Thank you, husband, yeah.

(applause)

I could still be out there, right?

Living me new life, right? Oh, lettuce, two for five.

And you might be like, "Well, Atsuko, what are your interests?

What are your interests if it's not farming?"

And it's like, I don't think I particularly have any.

But hey, you know, that's also a personality too.

Yeah, and that should be empowering.

That should be empowering, yes,

my fellow basic person who is clapping. Yes.

If you're like, "I also don't have hobbies or interests!"

That's okay.

That's okay, yeah, you are still a whole person, yes.

Yeah. 'Cause what, were we...

We were all going to make sourdough?

No, think about it, we were all gonna make sourdough?

We can't all be bakers, no.

'Cause someone's gotta be the buyer.

That's how the economy works.

And I'm just saying, that's me. Okay?

I have no skills, so I buy your shit that you make.

You're welcome.

(laughter)

(applause)

I'll tell you what I'm really going through, okay?

The other day, I was looking through old family photos

when I was hit with the stark realization that my father and I

have... the same body.

Yeah, it was a long night, very lonely night,

there he was, oh my God, in his 20s and 30s, me and him,

same body. Same body, yeah.

And my husband, he's so sweet, you know, he always tells me,

"God, you have such a hot bod." You know, he's so sweet, just,

"God, you have such a hot bod," you know, he's so sweet,

just, "God, you have such a hot bod."

And then he always asks, "How'd you get such a hot bod?"

(laughter)

And now I know.

But I don't think I have it in me to tell him yet, you know?

Yeah, I figure he'll find out sooner or later, you know?

When we go to Bali to visit my father where he lives.

Yeah... and we go to the beach, you know...

(laughter)

And we're all in our bathing suits...

And at some point, my father and I will stand

right next to each other,

overlooking the ocean, you know, with our hot bods.

And my husband will look over at us and he'll be like,

"Wait!" And I'll be like,

"It's weird for me too.

It's weird for me too."

And it is weird for me, it is weird for me

to find this out after all these years, okay?

All this time, my dad too would have looked good

in a belly button ring? Okay?

All those wasted moments where me and my dad

could have been wearing matching crop tops.

Showing off our sleek waste line that we both apparently share.

Okay? And I should have known, I should have known,

'cause one time my dad did get cold,

so I let him borrow my jacket.

And I was like, "Oh my God, you also look good...

in Urban Outfitters."

But I like to look at the brighter side of things, you know?

I was like, "Well now, my dad and I could swap clothes.

I could wear his hand-me-downs.

You know, and...

It's not every day that people can say

that they inherited their dad's...

literal "genes".

(laughter)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music) (cheering)

Okay, your next comic once went on a blind date

that was chaperoned by her father.

And more recently, she opened for yours truly

on a tour titled: "Vaccinated and Horny."

(cheering)

Proving that being overprotective

of your kids never works.

Give it up for the amazing Salma Hindy.

(cheering) (upbeat music)

Chelsea fucking Handler, everybody!

Montreal, how you doing?!

(cheering)

I'm so excited to be here.

A little about me, I grew up with really overbearing parents,

like Chelsea said.

My parents are very, very strict Muslim.

My father is an Imam. Do you guys know what that is?

It's like the Muslim version of a priest.

Just like, without the pedophilia part.

But with all the misogyny, don't worry!

Okay, wait, I want to get to know you guys a little better,

show of hands, who here was not allowed to go trick-or-treating

growing up?

Okay, the only other person of colour, yes.

We're gonna start a club later. Okay, none of you are invited.

It's called "Victims of Halal-oween."

True story, till this day, my dad still barricades

the doors and turns off all the lights on Halloween

because he would rather us fake our own deaths

than to have to interact with white people

during their satanic holiday.

One time, he like, accidentally opened the door

'cause he was waiting for something

and this kid was like, "Trick or treat!"

And he was like, "No!"

So that's the kind of house I grew up in.

I recently actually moved to New York.

Yes, this is the right reaction.

I was like, "Health care?

I don't want that. None of that for me."

No, I moved for my career, but I also moved to get some space.

I'm currently in a "situationship".

Do you guys know what that is? (cheering)

A lot of girls are clapping, mm-hmm.

For those of you who don't know what that is,

I met this guy a year ago and I told him I really liked him

and he immediately friend-zoned me.

So, I'm in this "situationship" where it's like,

"Oh, we're just friends, we're just friends."

But then, he took my virginity a few weeks ago, uh...

Do you guys have a friendship like that?

This always like, splits the audience,

half the room is traumatized and the other half is like,

"Congratulations!"

Okay, but the CDC says it doesn't count

if he wasn't fully hard, so I'm still a virgin!

Guys, I'm not gonna lie, sex is a lot harder to get than I thought, okay?

I wasn't led to believe that it would be this difficult.

And it's weird because in the west, we have freedom,

but men can't get hard.

And in the east, they have no freedom,

but they know exactly what to do, so,

I'm gonna have to wait till either white men can get hard

or Egypt gets loose.

And that could take a while, but my money's on Egypt though.

Thank you guys so much, you've been so amazing.

Have a great night.

(upbeat music)

Oh, yes, give it up for all the comedians tonight.

(cheering)

That is... That is the end of our show tonight

and if we've made just one person laugh

and go home with a new variant, we have done our job.

So good night everybody, thank you, Montreal!

(cheering)

Subtitling: difuze