Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO]

GOOD MORNING AND HOWDY TO YOU, ARIZONA.

GOOD MORNING, ARIZONA. THIS IS BO...

AND THIS IS JIM, AND WE'RE ONCE AGAIN WELCOMING YOU

TO THE BO AND JIM MORNING SHOW.

GOOD MORNING. MYSELF REPORTING THE NEWS

AND JIM REPORTING WEATHER AND SPORTS.

IT'S EXACTLY 9:01--9:02.

AND NOW JIM WILL BE ALONG IN A FEW MINUTES

WITH TODAY'S LATEST WEATHER CONDITIONS.

BUT FIRST, TODAY'S SHOW IS BEING BROUGHT TO YOU BY...

MAMA LENA'S, THE ONLY RESTAURANT IN THE STATE

OFFERING HOME-COOKED MEALS JUST LIKE YOUR OWN MAMA USED TO MAKE.

MMM!

MAMA LENA'S IS LOCATED CONVENIENTLY

IN THE CENTER OF DOWNTOWN FLAGSTAFF,

WHERE SHE OPENS EACH DAY FOR BREAKFAST AT 7 A.M.

AND SERVES THOSE SCRUMPTIOUS DINNERS UNTIL 10 P.M.

AND NOW, HERE'S JIM WITH THE LATEST ON THE WEATHER. JIM?

THANKS, BO. YOU'RE WELCOME.

TODAY'S WEATHER WILL BE MORE ABOUT THE SAME.

AROUND THE STATE, THE WINDS WILL BE COLD, THEY'LL BE BRISK.

ESPECIALLY IN THE NORTHERN PORTION.

IT'S GONNA GET A LITTLE NIPPY UP THERE.

FLAGSTAFF WILL BE IN THE MID- TO LOWER 50s

AND MAY EVEN GET DOWN TO THE HIGH 40s.

I WAS TALKING TO AN OLD MAN JUST A LITTLE WHILE AGO.

HE SAID IT MIGHT BE DOWN TO THE 30s.

SO IF YOU'RE GOING OUT TO MAMA'S,

FOR LUNCH, FOR DINNER, FOR BREAKFAST, YOU BETTER BUNDLE UP.

IF YOU HAVE A HAT, WEAR IT.

AS MY GRANDPAPPY USED TO SAY, IF YOU KEEP THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD WARM,

THE REST OF THE BODY WILL FOLLOW SUIT.

GOOD OLD GRANDPAPPY, JIM.

BO, I'LL RETURN AFTER THE NEWS

WITH MORE WEATHER AND THE LATEST IN SPORTS.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[DOG PANTING]

HEY.

HOW ARE YA THIS MORNIN'?

[BARKING]

[HARMONICA PLAYING] YEAH?

NO, YOU CAN'T COME WITH ME.

NOT THIS TIME.

[PLAYING HARMONICA]

YOU'RE LEAVING?

[PLAYING HARMONICA]

YES, DAN. YES.

I'M GOING TO OREGON.

[BARKING]

[GRUNTING]

WAIT.

HI.

HI!

HI!

[HORN HONKS]

SCUM!

DIRTBAG!

YOU BETTER TAKE OFF, 'CAUSE YOU COME BACK HERE,

I MIGHT KICK SOME BUTT!

OH, COME ON, GOD, PLEASE?

JUST DO ME THIS ONE FAVOR.

I'LL NEVER ASK FOR ANOTHER ONE.

JEEZ, GOD.

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

HI.

HI.

MY NAME IS HOMER.

WHAT'S--WHAT'S YOUR GUYS' NAME?

MONEY.

NOW.

THANK YOU.

MOVE IT, MAGGOT.

HA HA HA HA HA!

YOU FORGOT THIS, YOU IGNORANT SLIMEBALLS!

[BRAKES SQUEALING, TIRES SCREECHING]

RIGHT SOCK.

CAN I HAVE MY BAG?

THANK YOU.

[COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

EDNA! YOU COOK THESE GODDAMN FRIES IN 40-WEIGHT MOTOR OIL?

TASTES GREASY AS SOM'BITCH.

WRING 'EM OUT.

[AIRPLANE FLYING LOW]

[LAUGHING]

I THINK I WANT THIS.

THAT'S 2 CENTS.

[MUTTERING]

OK.

WHAT ABOUT THE ONES YOU ALREADY SWIPED?

DIDN'T THINK I SEEN THAT, DID YOU?

IT HASN'T BEEN GOING TOO GREAT FOR ME LATELY.

GET OUT OF HERE.

I'M GONNA PAY YOU FOR THESE, I PROMISE.

FORGET IT.

NO, I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA MAIL YOU A CHECK.

I JUST NEED YOUR ZIP CODE.

NO, THAT'S OK. I'M GONNA GO TO THE POST OFFICE

AND I'M GONNA GET THE ZIP CODE.

THANKS.

I MEAN IT, TOO.

Y-YOU KNOW, ONE DAY,

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT,

YOU'RE GONNA GET A CHECK

FOR $3.00 IN THE MAIL FROM ME.

HOMER LANZA.

[GRUNTING]

[YAWNS]

HI.

AAH!

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

SORRY.

SORRY?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN' IN MY CAR?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WAS IN THE CAR.

WHO DID YOU THINK WAS IN IT?

I DIDN'T THINK NOBODY WAS IN THE CAR.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A WRECK.

YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS A WRECK?

COME HERE. COME HERE.

WHAT?

COME HERE.

LOOK.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A WRECK TO YOU?

HUH? DOES IT LOOK LIKE A WRECK TO YOU?

WELL, YEAH.

THIS IS NOT A WRECK.

THIS IS A LINCOLN.

THAT'S A CONTINENTAL. SEE THAT?

WHERE?

READ IT, RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.

WHERE? READ IT SO YOU CAN SEE IT.

UHH! JUST GET--

UHH...

CALL MY FUCKIN' CAR A WRECK.

ALL RIGHT. FINE.

GODDAMN IT.

HEY.

HEY.

[BREATHING HARD]

YOU GOT ANY MONEY?

NO.

I'M BUSTED.

OH, YEAH, YOU'RE BUSTED, ALL RIGHT.

WHERE YOU GOIN' WITHOUT NO MONEY?

OREGON.

OREGON?

I'M GOING UP TO SEE MY DAD.

HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.

HE'S GOT CANCER.

I WANT TO SEE HIM BEFORE HE DIES.

HEY, I'M REAL SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

HOW COME YOU'RE TRAVELING TO OREGON

WITHOUT A PENNY IN YOUR POCKET?

WELL, I HAD $87,

BUT SOME GUYS TOOK IT.

UH-HUH. OH, YEAH?

SOME GUYS TOOK YOUR $87?

YEAH.

WHO?

2 GUYS IN A RED FORD.

OH, YEAH?

WHICH WAY DID THEY GO?

UM...

THAT WAY.

YOU WANT A RIDE?

YOU SURE YOU'RE GOING THAT WAY?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SEE, THIS CAR GOES ANYWHERE I WANT IT TO GO.

I JUST GET BEHIND THE WHEEL AND IT GOES.

TAKE YOU TO OREGON, WE'LL FIND THESE GUYS,

AND WE'LL GET MY $87 BACK, HUH?

YEAH. I HAVEN'T HAD A RIDE

IN A LONG TIME. NOWHERE TO GO.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK?

I'M A CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST.

YEAH. OH, REALLY?

THERE'S A CHRISTIAN SCIENCE READING ROOM

OH, YEAH? RIGHT BY MY HOUSE.

YOU WANT A CANDY BAR? I GOT ONE.

LET ME HAVE THE SLO POKE IN YOUR POCKET THERE.

WHAT SLO POKE?

THE SLO POKE I FOUND WHEN I WENT THROUGH YOUR SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT SLO POKE I'M TALKING ABOUT.

OH--OH, THAT SLO POKE.

OH, THAT'S MY LAST ONE. BUT I GOT A COUPLE OTHER ONES HERE

YOU MIGHT LIKE.

HERE. THIS ONE HERE IS A SWITZER.

THIS IS REAL GOOD.

I DON'T WANT SWITZERS.

LOOK, IT'S ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED.

I DON'T CARE. I DON'T EAT ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED STUFF.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THE WHOPPERS? THE WHOPPERS GOT A LOT OF GOOD STUFF IN IT.

NO. THEY GOT THAT MALTED MILK STUFF AND THAT CARAMEL IN IT.

WELL, SO DOES A SLO POKE.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

IT DOES NOT. YES, IT DOES.

READ THE LABEL. UH-HUH.

GIVE ME THAT.

I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF.

YEAH, KINDA.

MY NAME IS HOMER LANZA.

WHAT?

HOMER LANZA.

HOMER LIKE YOU HIT A BASEBALL HOME RUN

AND LANZA LIKE THE FAMOUS SINGER MARIO LANZA.

MARIO LANZA?

MARIO LANZA? I LOVE MARIO LANZA!

WHAT, ARE YOU RELATED?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO, BUT...

HE DON'T SEND ME NO MONEY AT CHRISTMAS TIME,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? [LAUGHS]

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

EDDIE.

EDWINA...CERVI.

EDWINA?

YEAH.

EDWINA?

THAT'S A GIRL'S NAME.

YEAH. AND HOMER IS A FAGGOT'S NAME.

SO... IS NOT.

IS NOT. YEAH.

NO, IT'S NOT.

WHERE DO YOU THINK THE WORD HOMER CAME FROM?

NO. HOMO.

OH, YEAH.

HOMO LANZA. THAT'S YOU.

SO HOW DO YOU MAKE MONEY?

WHAT, DO YOU WORK? YOU GOT A JOB?

I'M A DISHWASHER.

HUH? THAT'S YOUR WORK?

I'M A DISHWASHER, TOO.

YEAH. REALLY?

IT'S A SMALL WORLD, AIN'T IT?

YEAH, YEAH.

I USED TO WORK... [CONTINUES INDISTINCT]

YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT!

I LIKE SALTWATER TAFFY...

[CONTINUES INDISTINCT]

YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD PIZZA FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD,

BUT I THINK I LIKE ARIZONA PIZZA THE BEST.

ABSOLUTELY THE BEST.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY A NICE RESTAURANT, EDDIE.

YOU SURE YOU CAN AFFORD THIS?

OH, YEAH. I FIGURED IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO

SINCE I BASHED YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD INTO THE CAR.

OH, THAT'S OK. I'VE BEEN--I'VE BEEN HIT A LOT WORSE THAN THAT.

I WAS HIT WITH A BASEBALL ONE TIME.

OH.

YEAH. THAT'S WHY I'M THE WAY I AM.

OH, YEAH? HOW'S THAT?

YOU KNOW, NOT TOO SMART.

WHO THE FUCK SAYS YOU'RE NOT SMART?

EVERYBODY.

THEY ALL SAY THAT.

IT'S BECAUSE WHEN THE BALL HIT ME,

IT KNOCKED MY BRAINSTEMS LOOSE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A BRAINSTEM?

I NEVER FUCKIN' EVEN HEARD OF IT.

BRAINSTEMS...

ARE THINGS THAT ARE IN YOUR NECK HERE...

UH-HUH.

THAT PUSH YOUR BRAIN UP TO THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD

JUST IN CASE YOUR BRAIN WANTS TO FALL DOWN INTO YOUR NECK.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

THEY SAY I HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE.

REALLY?

WELL, SO WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, THEY TELL ME

THAT I WAS PLAYING THIRD BASE, RIGHT?

AND SOME GUY-- I WASN'T PAYING NO ATTENTION, I GUESS--

AND SOME GUY JUST WHACKED THE BALL REAL HARD

AND I GOT BEANED RIGHT IN MY EAR.

IF YOU LOOK REAL CLOSE HERE...

YOU CAN STILL SEE MY-- MY, UH...

MY STITCHES. SEE? SEE THEM RIGHT BACK THERE?

OH, YEAH, LOOK AT THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE.

YEAH. YEAH, NEAT, HUH?

YEAH. THAT'S FUCKIN' HIP, MAN.

IT'S LIKE FRANKENSTEIN AND SHIT.

HEY, BUDDY, YOU WANT TO HOLD IT DOWN ON THE CUSS WORDS?

THIS IS MY WIFE.

EDDIE, I DON'T THINK--

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE UGLY BITCH HOME, HUH?

EDDIE--EDDIE, YOU'RE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN--

UHH! UHH...

WHAT THE FUCK YOU GETTIN' UP FOR?

I'M HOMER LANZA. THEN SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

CHECK, PLEASE. SHE'S NOT REALLY A BAD GUY

ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW HER.

SHE'S HELPING ME FIND MY MONEY THAT THESE GUYS ROBBED.

WHAT YOU LOOKIN' AT?

IS THAT YOUR WIFE?

SHE'S VERY LOVELY.

I CAN SEE WHY YOU GOT UPSET WHEN SHE SAID MOTHERFUCKER.

BUT YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY, BECAUSE STICKS AND STONES

MAY BREAK YOUR BONES, BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT YOU.

YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THAT.

HI. I'M HOMER LANZA. YOU KNOW, ANY--

COME ON, HOMER, WE GOTTA GO.

OK. SHE'S A VERY NICE PERSON.

YOU KNOW, I GOT ROBBED OF $87 ONE TIME

AND SHE'S BEEN REALLY NICE ABOUT THAT.

SHE'S GOOD FRIEND OF MINE. SHE DON'T DO THIS OFTEN.

BYE-BYE, NOW.

BYE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT WAS VERY GOOD PIZZA.

HEY, MICKEY, A STOLEN CREDIT CARD!

[SHOUTING IN JAPANESE]

[ENGINE REVVING]

WHAT'S THE HURRY, EDDIE?

THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS!

[MICKEY SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

...YOU CREEP COCKSUCKER! WHAT ARE YOU COCKSUCKERS--

[TRUCK HORN HONKING]

I THINK HE BUSTED YOUR WINDOW.

IT'S OK. IT'S OK.

BOY, HE WAS SURE UPSET, WASN'T HE?

WHAT'D YOU DO, GIVE HIM A BAD CREDIT CARD OR SOMETHING?

NO, NO, NO. I GAVE HIM DINERS CLUB.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS OVERDRAWN.

YOU KNOW, NO ONE CUTS YOU A BREAK NO MORE.

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

YEAH. YOU KNOW, I APPLIED FOR A CREDIT CARD ONCE.

GET OUTTA HERE.

YEAH. THE BANK TURNED ME DOWN.

YEAH. REALLY?

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU AIN'T A MAN

TILL YOU GOT A CREDIT CARD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT MINE.

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA GO BACK THERE

AND ASK 'EM FOR YOURS.

NOSIRREE.

HA HA HA HA HA!

WELL, SHIT, IT'S THE COMPUTER'S FAULT, ANYWAY.

I MEAN, THE COMPUTER IS THE WORST--

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S THE WORST THING EVER CREATED.

YEAH.

I MEAN, IT'S WORSE THAT THE CLAP.

IT'S WORSE THAN COPS. IT'S DAMN NEAR AS BAD AS SHRINKS, MAN,

[BELCHES] I'M TELLING YOU.

DAMN, HOMER.

[BELCHES]

YEAH, WELL, HOW COME YOU HIT ME BACK THERE, EDDIE?

HUH?

HOW COME YOU HIT ME BACK THERE?

I MEAN...

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST--I FELT LIKE IT, I GUESS.

I--I KNOW, BUT DON'T DO THAT NO MORE, OK?

'CAUSE IT REALLY HURTS LIKE THE DICKENS.

WELL, HOMER, I MEAN, I CAN'T MAKE ANY PROMISES.

GOD.

I THOUGHT WE WAS FRIENDS.

FRIENDS? NO, MAN, I'M JUST USING YOU

TO GET MY $87 BACK.

WELL...

WELL, DON'T DO IT NO MORE, ANYWAY, OK?

'CAUSE I JUST CAN'T TAKE A PUNCH LIKE I USED TO

WHEN I WAS IN THE GOLDEN GLOVES.

YOU WERE NEVER IN NO GOLDEN--

YOU SUCH A LIAR.

GOLDEN GLOVES. NO!

NO, I KNOCKED OUT ABOUT 600 GUYS.

[LAUGHING]

YES.

YEAH, I ONLY LOST ONE FIGHT IN MY WHOLE CAREER.

AND I GOT SCREWED ON THAT ONE.

YOU ARE SO FULL OF--

NO, I WAS IN GUATEMALA AND THOSE...

I SHOULD'VE NEVER WENT DOWN THERE. THE REFS WERE MURDER.

Eddie: YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT.

YOU GO DOWN TO THE HALL OF RECORDS

AND YOU LOOK IT UP AND IT'S THERE.

[CONTINUES INDISTINCT]

HOMER.

COME ON, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? HUH? HUH?

GOD DAMN IT.

I PACKED AN EXTRA TOOTHBRUSH.

SO, I'LL LET YOU BORROW MINE IF YOU PROMISE

THAT YOU'LL WASH IT OFF REAL GOOD.

FUCK THAT.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT YOU DON'T WANT ALL THAT PLAQUE AND TARTER

TO BUILD UP ON YOUR CHOPPERS.

MY DENTIST SAYS THAT ONCE YOU GET IT ON THERE,

IT TAKES A BLOWTORCH TO GET IT OFF.

IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS PLAQUE AND FUCKIN' TARTER?

WELL, IN THE MORNING AND AFTER MEALS, YES.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S OUT THERE?

BESIDES YOUR CAR?

THERE ARE LAWYERS,

THERE ARE SHRINKS,

THERE ARE NUNS!

[RUMBLING]

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

WHAT?

IT'S THE BIG ONE.

[RUMBLING GETS LOUDER]

IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE.

I DON'T THINK I CAN GET THIS BRUSH CLEAN.

SHH!

[RUMBLING LOUDER]

NO. NO.

THAT WASN'T IT.

THAT WASN'T IT.

WHERE WAS I?

YOU WAS TALKIN' ABOUT MURDERERS, RAPISTS, AND LAWYERS.

YES.

THERE'S--THERE'S LAWYERS...

AND SHRINKS AND--

AND THERE'S NUNS, AND THERE'S...

THERE'S PEOP-- THERE'S PEOPLE--

THERE'S PEOPLE OUT THERE STARVING.

THERE'S PEOPLE OUT THERE STARVING.

THEY DON'T HAVE ANYPLACE TO GO. THERE'S NO FOOD FOR THEM.

AND THERE'S HURRICANES AND THERE'S ALL KINDS OF WEATHER

AND THERE'S PESTILENCE. GOD MADE PESTILENCE.

AND THAT'S WHAT HE PUT DOWN ON PEOPLE. HE MADE PESTILENCE.

AND HE MADE DISEASES.

THERE'S DISEASES THAT THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A CURE FOR.

IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER HOW MUCH RICH-- HOW MUCH RICH YOU ARE,

AND IT DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CURE IT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO. THEY DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO CURE IT.

AND YOU WANT ME TO...

YOU WANT ME...

TO BRUSH MY TEETH?

YOU WANT TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH NOW?!

OHH!

HEY, CUT IT OUT! STOP IT, EDDIE!

I'M NOT KIDDIN', EDDIE!

UHH!

YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOUR-- STOP IT, EDDIE!

CUT IT OUT! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT, EDDIE!

STOP! STOP THAT, EDDIE!

EDDIE! NO, EDDIE, STOP IT!

I WON'T ASK YOU TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH NO MORE, EDDIE!

ALL RIGHT, STOP IT, EDDIE!

NO!

EDDIE! [GRUNTING]

OH, MY GOD!

[PANTING]

[WHIMPERING]

[CRYING]

[SOBBING]

EDDIE...

[CRYING]

* HOME

* IS WHERE I LONG TO BE

* HOME

* WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY

* HOME

* STAYS IN MY MEMORY

* OH, I WISH THAT I WAS HOME

* HOME

* IS WHERE MY HEART IS

* HOME

* IS WHERE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN

* HOME

* WHERE SWEET MEMORIES LIVE

* HOW I WISH THAT I WAS HOME

KEEP YOU WARM.

THANK YOU.

SO, HOMER, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN IN ARIZONA?

OH, YOU KNOW, LOTS OF STUFF.

YOU KNOW, I PLAY WITH THE NEIGHBOR'S DOGS,

AND I SMASH BOTTLES.

I READ ALL ABOUT BASEBALLS.

I FIX THE KIDS' TIRES DOWN THE STREET.

WELL, IT DEPENDS-- EVER BEEN LAID?

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO GET SOME OF THAT CHEERLEADER PUSSY, HUH?

SIT ON YOUR FACE?

EDDIE, COME ON.

HEY! HEY, GIRLS!

HEY, GIRLS? [CHEERING]

HEY, GIRLS!

HEY, GIRLS! THIS IS MY FRIEND.

HE--HE IS THE STUD OF LIFE,

LIKE THIS IS GREAT.

[CHANTING CHEERS]

HEY! HEY, GIRLS!

LET'S GET YOU LAID.

HEY, I'VE BEEN LAID. I'VE BEEN LAID.

HEY. EDDIE.

HEY! WHOO! WHOO!

HEY, GIRLS! HEY!

RICK 'EM, RACK 'EM, RICK 'EM, RACK 'EM,

GET THAT GUY AND REALLY FUCK HIM.

[INDISTINCT]

COME ON, WE'RE GONNA GET KILLED!

HEY, GIRLS! HEY!

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

WHOO! HA HA!

HA HA HA!

[HORN HONKING]

I SAID I'VE BEEN LAID, EDDIE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU CRAZY?!

HEY, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

FUCKIN' PEOPLE.

MAN.

WHAT WERE YOU SAYIN'?

I SAID I HAVEN'T BEEN LAID A LOT.

I MEAN, ARIZONA'S A VERY TOUGH STATE FOR THAT.

OH. WELL, YOU AIN'T A MAN TILL YOU BEEN LAID.

I MEAN, YOU ARE NOT A MAN TILL YOU'VE HAD SOME PUSSY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT MINE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT A COUSIN--

I GOT A COUSIN BREAK YOU IN JUST RIGHT.

EDDIE, I SAID I'D BEEN LAID.

YOU JUST SAID NOT A LOT.

WELL, IT DEPENDS IF YOU CONSIDER 5,000 A LOT.

WHERE DID YOU GET 5,000 WOMEN?

DIFFERENT PLACES.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T NEED 5,000 WOMEN

BECAUSE MOST OF THEM COME BACK 2, 3--

OH, BULLSHIT.

4 TIMES. THAT'S TRUE.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN LAID SO MANY TIMES,

I THINK I SHOULD BE IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS

FOR HOW MANY TIMES I'VE BEEN LAID.

COME ON, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN HERE.

OH, GREAT. IS IT A VIDEO ARCADE?

NO, MAN. THIS IS WHERE MY COUSIN ESTHER WORKS.

OH.

OH!

[CAR DOOR CLOSES] EDDIE--

WELL, WHAT IF I GET A DISEASE OR SOMETHING, HUH?

[BUZZER]

I'M ONLY DOING THIS FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.

UH-HUH. YEAH.

WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT?

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

LIKE YOU LOOKING FOR THE PALSY CLINIC.

OH, THAT'S CUTE. THAT'S REAL CUTE.

HEY. YOU GONNA LET US IN OR WHAT?

DEFINE "OR WHAT."

WE ARE 2 PAYING CUSTOMERS HERE TO SEE ESTHER.

OH. LUCKY HER.

[BUZZER] ESTHER!

COMPANY!

[GATE CREAKS]

OK, BOYS, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

GO AHEAD.

SIT DOWN.

SIT.

[HOMER COUGHS]

ESTHER!

COMPANY!

GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?

I WOULD LIKE A MILKSHAKE, PLEASE.

[SIGHS] CHRIST.

JEEZ, A MILKSHAKE.

I ALWAYS HAVE A MILKSHAKE BEFORE SEX.

I GOT 2 KINDS OF WHISKEY.

I GOT ROTGUT AND CHEAP SHIT. WHAT'LL IT BE?

NOTHING, THANK YOU.

ESTHER!

GET IN HERE!

THAT'S IT. SOON AS I GET MY $87,

I'M CUTTIN' YOU LOOSE.

A MILKSHAKE.

JEEZ.

I'M JUST THIRSTY.

WHO--WHO'S THAT?

PROBABLY THE EXTERMINATOR.

ESTHER.

ESTHER, HOW YOU DOIN'?

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GET UP. YOU'RE IN THE PRESENCE OF A LADY.

COME ON.

EDDIE?

YEAH. YEAH!

IT'S ME.

THIS IS MY COUSIN ESTHER.

SHE IS THE GREATEST.

UH, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?

AH, SHIT, I DON'T KNOW. I HURT IT SOME...

HEH.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

OH, THIS IS HOMER. THIS IS MY ACE.

HI. THIS IS HOMER. SAY HI.

AIN'T HE CUTE? SAY HI AGAIN.

IT'S HOMER. HI.

HIS NAME IS HOMER LANZA.

HOMER LIKE YOU HIT A HOME RUN,

LANZA LIKE THE SINGER. AIN'T THAT RIGHT?

YEAH. MARIO. LIKE MARIO LANZA.

MARIO LANZA.

ARE YOU RELATED TO HIM?

TO MARIO?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I MEAN, HE DON'T SEND ME NO MONEY AT CHRISTMAS TIME.

[LAUGHS]

HE'S FUNNY.

YOU'RE FUNNY, HOMER. THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

YEAH.

YEAH, UH...

UH, I FIGURE,

SINCE THIS IS YOUR BUSINESS, THAT, UH...

YOU...

YOU GOT CASH?

I WAS KIND OF HOPING, YOU KNOW, SINCE, UH,

WE'RE FAMILY AND EVERYTHING,

YOU'D GIVE US A LITTLE, UH...

A LITTLE DISCOUNT, FAMILY DISCOUNT.

FUCK THE FAMILY DISCOUNT.

30 BUCKS.

HEY, THAT--

SHUT UP.

30 BUCKS.

HE'S ALL YOURS.

OK. GET IT.

OK, GET GOIN'.

I THINK I NEED THE MILKSHAKE NOW, EDDIE.

YEAH.

ENJOY YOURSELF. YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT.

THAT'S CASH.

SLIPPED MY MIND.

I GOT IT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I GOT IT RIGHT IN--

ONE SECOND. I GOT IT.

IT'S RIGHT IN THE--

IN--PROBABLY IN THE-- YEAH.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

YOUR HUSBAND JUST GOT IN, RIGHT?

YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.

HE'S BEEN GONE A WHILE. UH-HUH.

GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT. HEH HEH HEH!

THERE. YOU GOT THAT? YEAH.

OK. TELL HIM I SAID HELLO. GREAT.

OK. TELL HIM TO COME SEE ME.

BYE-BYE. ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, BILL? WHAT?

THESE PEARS AIN'T LOOKING REAL GOOD, MAN.

WELL, HAVE SOME APPLES. THEY LOOKED GOOD THE OTHER DAY.

NO, I LIKE PEARS. [CASH REGISTER BEEPING]

HERE. THERE'S SOME PLASTIC ONES. [LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.

WAS I GREAT, OR WAS I JUST REAL GOOD?

DID YOU ENJOY IT?

OH, VERY MUCH, MISS ESTHER.

THEN YOU WERE GREAT.

[RECORD SCRATCHING] [DOO-WOP MUSIC PLAYING]

* OOH * BA-DOO

* OOH, OOH * BA-DOO

* BA-DOO * OOH, OOH

* BOO, BA-DOO * OOH

* OOH, OOH * BA-DOO

* BA-DOO, DOO, BOO * OOH, OOH, OOH

* SWEET EMOTIONS OF LOVE

* TENDERLY... * BOO, BA-DOO...

OK, THANKS A LOT. Man: HAVE A GOOD ONE.

HEY. HOW YOU DOING?

FINE. GOOD. GLAD TO HEAR IT.

LIKE TO KNOW PEOPLE ARE DOING GOOD.

THAT SO? WOULD YOU MOVE BACK, PLEASE?

WILL YOU BACK UP, PLEASE.

MOVE BACK. PLEASE?

NICE SHIRT.

NICE GUN.

UHH! [GLASS SHATTERS]

WHAT DID I DO?

[SWEET EMOTIONS OF LOVE PLAYING]

SHE AIN'T NO GOOD, HOMER-- NEVER WAS.

AW, COME ON, ESTHER.

YOU HAVEN'T SEE HER FOR A LONG TIME.

SHE'S BEEN REAL GOOD WITH ME. SHE BUYS ME THINGS.

SHE EVEN BOUGHT ME YOU.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[COMIN' DOWN WITH LOVE PLAYING]

* SOME KIND OF JITTERBUG

* YOU'RE COMIN' DOWN WITH LOVE... *

HEY, EDDIE, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT MONEY?

I HAD IT. LET'S GO.

ESTHER?

Eddie: HOMER-- THANK YOU.

HOMER, COME ON. YOU'RE VERY SPECIAL.

COME ON! LET'S GO, GOD DAMN IT!

HEY, EDDIE, LET'S TAKE A PICTURE.

NO, WE DON'T HAVE TIME. LET'S GO.

COME ON, EDDIE. WE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

WILL YOU COME ON? GET IN THE CAR, HOMER!

COME ON, LOOK, EDDIE. THIS IS FUN. LOOK.

MOVE OVER.

I'M THE BOY.

DO YOU WANT THE PICTURE, OR NOT?

JEEZ.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

* ACES AND EIGHTS

* THE JOKER'S WILD

* A PRETTY FACE

* THAT NEVER SMILES

* MY BEAUTIFUL GAL

* IS LONG GONE

* MY HEART IS RACIN'

* I'M BURNIN' INSIDE

* OH, GOD

* WHERE AM I GONNA HIDE?

* TELL ME WHY

* THE NIGHT'S

* SO LONG

* NIGHT IS THE HUNTER

* WHEN YOU'RE RUNNIN' AWAY

* NIGHT IS THE HUNTER

* WHEN YOUR DREAMS DON'T PAY... *

Homer: AND IT WAS REAL NICE OF YOU BUYING ME ESTHER. THANKS A LOT.

Eddie: HEY, DON'T THANK ME, MAN. THANK THE LIQUOR STORE IN BEATTY.

WHAT FOR?

THAT'S WHERE I GOT THE MONEY.

OH. YOU USED TO WORK THERE, HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU? STUPID? NO, I ROBBED THE PLACE. COME ON.

NO, COME ON, EDDIE. GET OUT OF HERE.

LOOK! THIS IS THE GUN I USED.

EDDIE, EDDIE, YOU CAN GET IN TROUBLE.

ONLY POLICEMEN AND CRIMINALS ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE THOSE.

* NIGHT IS THE HUNTER

* WHEN YOU'RE RUNNIN' AWAY

* NIGHT IS THE HUNTER...

Man on TV: AN EARTHQUAKE MEASURING 7.1 ON THE RICHTER SCALE

ROCKED SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA THIS MORNING.

IT IS THE SECOND 7 MAGNITUDE QUAKE HERE IN THE LAST 4 MONTHS.

RESCUE CREWS ARE BUSY DIGGING THROUGH THE RUBBLE AND--

THAT REVELATIONS HAVE SHOWN US

THAT THE PALE RIDER WILL COME, HAS BEEN HERE.

ISAIAH-- THE LORD IS OVERTURNING THE LAND,

MAKING IT A WASTELAND OF DESTRUCTION... [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD, EDDIE?

NO. HOW COME?

I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANYTHING I CAN'T SEE.

WELL...

YOU CAN'T SEE POLAND, BUT YOU BELIEVE IN THAT, DON'T YOU?

WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID,

YOU CAN'T SEE POLAND, BUT YOU BELIEVE IN THAT, DON'T YOU?

WHAT THE-- LOOK, NO. FORGET IT.

JUST FORGET IT, OK? LEAVE IT ALONE.

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT THERE'S MORE HERE THAN MEETS THE EYE.

THAT'S ALL.

YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE IN GOD.

OH, YEAH? WHY? MM-HMM.

WELL, BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T BE HERE IF THERE WAS NO GOD.

WHY?

BECAUSE SOMEONE HAD TO CREATE THE EARTH.

WHY?

BECAUSE THERE ISN'T JUST NOTHING HERE.

YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING HAD TO BE CREATED BY SOMEONE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS ROBE--

THIS ROBE WAS CREATED BY...

BY ROBINSON.

YOUR PAINTING OVER THERE--

THIS HERE WAS CREATED BY...

REEVES. SEE?

EVERYTHING HAD TO BE CREATED BY SOMEONE.

AND GOD CREATED THE EARTH.

YOU'RE SURE ABOUT THAT? OH, YES, VERY SURE.

OH, YEAH? WELL, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

YEAH. YOU BELIEVE IN GOD, RIGHT?

YES, I DO. YOU BELIEVE IN GOD'S DIVINE WISDOM?

I CERTAINLY DO. HIS GOODNESS? ALL OF THAT?

OF COURSE. TELL ME WHY THE FUCK

GOD LET YOU GET HIT BY A FUCKING BASEBALL, HUH?

PROBABLY...

PROBABLY BECAUSE HE THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS GOOD FOR ME.

OH, HE THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD FOR YOU? MAYBE.

GOD THOUGHT THAT WAS GOOD FOR YOU? WELL, I DON'T KNOW

EVERYTHING, EDDIE. OH, NO?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. THERE AIN'T NO FUCKING GOD, HOMER.

THERE AIN'T NO FUCKING GOD. DON'T SAY THAT.

HEY, IF YOU'RE UP THERE-- I MEAN, MAYBE I'M WRONG, HOMER--

MAYBE I'M MAKING AN ABSOLUTELY ASS OF MYSELF.

BUT GOD, IF YOU'RE UP THERE, EDDIE...

AND YOU'RE SITTING AND YOU'RE HANGING OUT, EDDIE...

AND YOU GOT NOTHING TO DO, TALK TO ME.

EDDIE, DON'T TALK TO GOD LIKE THAT, TELL ME WHY--

BECAUSE THAT'S GONNA BE DANGEROUS. TELL ME WHY

YOU LET THIS MOTHERFUCKER GET HIT ON THE HEAD

EDDIE--EDDIE-- WITH A BASEBALL. TELL ME WHY--

PLEASE, DON'T LET HIM HEAR THAT, EDDIE!

A BENEVOLENT GOD, AN UNDERSTANDING GOD, BUT NO!

HE'S NOT! HE'S A MEAN, VILE, EVIL SHIT!

YOU AIN'T SHIT! YOU DON'T EXIST!

MOTHERFUCKER-- YOU DON'T FUCKING EXIST.

NO, NO, EDDIE. [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

COME ON DOWN HERE! UHH! NO. COME ON, EDDIE.

YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT. FIGHT!

COME ON, FIGHT! SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT, GOD.

COME ON, ALREADY! [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

NO. COME ON.

COME IN HERE. RELAX.

YOU JUST STAY IN THERE FOR A LITTLE BIT.

STAY THERE. JUST STAY IN THERE.

[POUNDING] BY THE COLLAR AND LEAD THEM

TO THE ALTAR OF GOD.

THE LAND WILL BE COMPLETELY EMPTIED, AND--

THE LORD HAS SPOKEN!

AMEN. [POUNDING STOPS]

MAN HAS TRIED. EDDIE...

MY FRIENDS, MAN HAS FAILED. MAN CANNOT SAVE YOU--ONLY GOD.

FEW... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

WILL BE LEFT ALIVE.

Preacher: AND I TELL YOU, MY FRIENDS,

THAT DAY IS SOON AT HAND.

IF WE DO NOT GRAB OUR EVIL COUSINS BY THE COLLAR

AND LEAD THEM TO THE ALTAR OF GOD,

WE CANNOT SAVE THIS LAND... [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[PANTING]

[WHISPERING] Now do you believe in God?

IT'S NOT THAT, HOMER.

I GOT A TUMOR.

TUMOR?

IT'S ABOUT... THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.

Well, just have a doctor cut it out, that's all.

THEY CAN'T. THEY CAN'T.

Why not?

BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS WRAPPED AROUND IT LIKE A JELLYFISH.

OH, MAN, THAT'S GROSS.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE SOME PILLS?

NO. WHY NOT?

I'M NOT TAKING THOSE PILLS. WHY NOT?

They're probably real good for you. They're good for you.

I'm not taking them.

They make-- they make me into a zombie.

A ZOMBIE.

A REAL ZOMBIE?

Homer: HEY, EDDIE, I'M--I'M HERE.

OHH! EDDIE! EDDIE, COME ON!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, EDDIE? STOP IT!

NO! AAH! COME ON!

[LAUGHING] EDDIE, STOP THAT!

OW! OW, THAT HURT. OW.

EDDIE, COME ON, NOW. STOP THAT.

Eddie: WHAT'S THE MATTER, HOMER? OH. I QUIT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAN? I QUIT. I QUIT.

HEY! OHH!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT. EDDIE--I QUIT.

I QUIT, I QUIT! ALL RIGHT, HOMER,

YOU'RE DEAD MEAT NOW, MAN. HEH!

NO, EDDIE. OW. HOMER--

OW, RIGHT IN THE HEAD. I'M SORRY.

DO YOU DRIVE? A CAR?

YEAH. NOT NO MORE.

OH, MAN...

YOU AIN'T A MAN TILL YOU CAN DRIVE.

YOU SAID THAT ABOUT SEX.

THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF YOU GOTTA DO TO BE A MAN.

COME ON, GIVE ME THAT. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT?

NOTHING. GET IN THE CAR.

I DON'T WANT TO GET IN THE CAR, EDDIE.

GET IN THE CAR. COME ON. IT'S COLD, HOMER, GET IN THERE.

GET IN. COME ON. I'M IN.

[SIGHS] LET'S GO.

OHH! LET'S GO.

I'M SCARED. OF WHAT?

UH, ON ACCOUNT OF I WAS IN A TRAGIC ACCIDENT ONCE AT THE INDY 500.

HOMER, YOU NEVER DROVE NO INDY CAR.

YES, I DID. IN 1976, I HAD LAPPED MARIO ANDRETTI 3 TIMES.

AND A.J. FOYT, WELL, HE CRACKED INTO ME.

AND HIS CAR WENT OVER THE WALL AND KILLED 200 RACING FANS.

SO, I CAN'T-- HOMER, LET GO OF THAT DOOR.

LET IT GO. YOU ARE GIVING ME A HEADACHE WITH YOUR BULLSHIT.

NO BULLSHIT! YOU CAN LOOK IT UP IN THE HALL OF RECORDS.

AND IT'S GONNA SAY, "HOMER LANZA ALMOST WINS INDY 500."

LET THAT DOOR GO. CLOSE IT. NO.

CLOSE IT NOW. CLOSE IT. NO.

GET OVER HERE. NOW, YOU CAN DO THIS.

NOW, PUT YOUR HAND ON THE WHEEL.

COME ON.

SEE?

NOW, TAKE ONE HAND AND TURN ON THE CAR.

THIS IS YOUR CAR. [ENGINE STARTS]

YOU'RE IN COMMAND NOW. PUT YOUR FOOT ON THE GAS PEDAL SLOWLY.

EASE IT DOWN.

FEELING PRETTY GOOD? YEAH.

LET'S GO.

AAH! EDDIE!

[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Eddie: NO, NO, NO, NO! TURN, TURN, TURN, TURN!

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

EDDIE! AAH! EDDIE!

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

HOMER--HOMER...

Homer: SANTA CLAUS!

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

HA! OH!

TURN! TURN! NO, NO, TURN THE OTHER WAY!

[COUGHING]

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. [COUGHING]

AHH.

I LIKE DRIVING.

JUST WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, OK?

DO YOU LIKE THE GLASSES I PICKED?

YOU THINK THEY'RE A GOOD PICK?

YEAH. I MEAN, I PICKED THEM

BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF MY EYES.

THEY LOOK GREAT ON YOU.

HEY, LOOK AT THAT RED FORD. I BET THAT'S THE GUYS THAT ROBBED YOU.

Homer: I DON'T KNOW. PULL THE CAR AROUND, QUICK.

HURRY UP. COME ON.

BOY. I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D FIND THEM.

WELL, IT'S A FORD,

BUT I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE SAME ONE.

EDDIE, THIS IS A LOT NEWER.

IT'LL DO.

NO, THIS AIN'T THE CAR, EDDIE.

EDDIE?

EDDIE!

Eddie: PSST! PSST!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

COME HERE. COME INSIDE. WHAT FOR?

'CAUSE WHEN THOSE PEOPLE COME OUT, WE'RE GONNA JUMP 'EM.

EDDIE, I--I DON'T THINK THIS IS THEM.

LOOK, THESE ARE THE MOTHERFUCKERS THAT TOOK MY $87.

NOW, EITHER GET IN THE FUCKIN' CAR OR COME IN HERE.

EDDIE, TH-THIS IS NOT THE CAR.

EDDIE, IT'S--THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT THEM, EDDIE.

EDDIE? H-HOLD ON.

HEY...[PANTS]

LOOK, HEY, IF I WERE YOU,

I WOULDN'T GO NO CLOSER TO THAT CAR.

WHY NOT? WELL, MY FRIEND, SHE'S IN THERE,

AND SHE'S GONNA JUMP OUT, AND SHE'S GONNA ROB YOU.

WHAT-- LOOK. LOOK. SEE? SHE'S RIGHT THERE.

EDDIE, I'M JUST DOING THIS TO PROTECT YOU.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING] NO, NO!

NO, NO, NO. DON'T GO ANY CLOSER.

SHE'S GOT A GUN. AND SHE'S A LITTLE CRAZY.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S A LITTLE LIGHT IN THE BRAIN DEPARTMENT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

GET OUT OF MY WAY, BUDDY, OK? I KNOW, BUT--

SEE? SEE?

ONE FUCKIN' WORD, YOUR HEAD IS EVERYWHERE.

EDDIE, HE'S A GOOD GUY, EDDIE. [MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING]

YOU EVER BEEN TO ARIZONA? NO.

[PLAYING LA NEGRA] [CHATTERING IN SPANISH]

OH, THIS IS JUST GREAT. GIVE ME YOUR WALLET.

DON'T HURT HIM. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.

Homer: SHE DOESN'T REALLY MEAN THAT, YOU KNOW. SHE'S JUST A LITTLE UPSET.

90 BUCKS. GIVE HIM $3.00.

I DON'T HAVE $3.00, EDDIE.

I'M SORRY, MAN. COME ON.

GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS,

AND I'LL SEND IT BACK TO YOU. WHAT?

Man: NO, YOU KEEP IT. HOMER!

NO, NO, IT'LL COME IN HANDY SOMEDAY. LET ME SEND IT TO YOU.

Eddie: HOMER! I'M SURE! YOU KEEP IT!

YOU PEOPLE ARE REALLY GOOD PEOPLE. YOU KNOW THAT?

BUT I WARNED YOU THAT SHE WAS A LITTLE--

HELP! DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT?

HELP! EDDIE!

Woman: WE'RE BEING ROBBED! [MUSIC STOPS]

CALL THE POLICE! CALL THE POLICE! CALL THE POLICE!

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING] MY HUSBAND--

HI. EL DOCTOR, POR FAVOR!

IT'S ALL RIGHT. THEY'RE GONE.

[HOW FAR CAN YOU GO PLAYING]

[WOMAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

* ROCKIN' WITH THE GIRL TILL THE MORNIN' LIGHT *

* WHEN WE GOT DOWN, WE GET DOWN LOW *

* AND WE ROCKED TILL WE COULD NOT ROCK NO MORE *

* ONE BIG QUESTION WE WANTED TO KNOW... *

* HOW FAR CAN YOU GO?

* HOW LONG WILL YOU RIDE?

[GRUNTING]

OH, MY HANDS ARE...

MY HANDS ARE SO DIRTY.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER HAD A FRIEND LIKE YOU BEFORE, EDDIE.

NOT EVEN WHEN YOU WERE A KID?

ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS A KID.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR FOLKS? DIDN'T THEY LIKE YOU?

OH, YEAH. SURE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I GOT MY BRAIN STEMS CRUNCHED

BY THAT BASEBALL? UH-HUH.

WELL, THEY SENT ME ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY,

JUST SO I CAN GET THE BEST CARE POSSIBLE.

YOU SEEN THEM SINCE THEN?

OH, YEAH. WELL, THEY BROUGHT ME BACK

FOR THE FIRST 2 YEARS FOR CHRISTMAS, YOU KNOW.

UH-HUH.

BUT THEN MY DAD, HIS BUSINESS WENT SOUR.

AND SO, INSTEAD OF SPENDING THE MONEY ON PLANE TICKETS,

THEY SAID I SHOULD STAY IN THE HOSPITAL AT CEDAR CREST.

AH. CAN I DO THAT?

WHAT? I WANT TO DO THE CAR UP AND DOWN.

YEAH, YEAH. COME ON.

UH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

NO. OK. FLIP THIS, AND THEN YOU PUMP.

YOU KNOW HOW TO PUMP, DON'T YOU?

HOMER, YOU EVER THINK YOUR FOLKS SENT YOU AWAY

'CAUSE MAYBE THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU?

NO. OH, NO. YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.

THEY LOVE ME LIKE CRAZY.

SO, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW THEM?

HERE, GIVE ME THIS. GIVE ME THIS. GIVE ME THIS.

UM...WHEN I WAS 14.

THAT'S DAMN NEAR 20 YEARS, HOMER.

WELL, MY DAD'S BUSINESS REALLY WENT SOUR.

I MEAN, THEY SEND ME MONEY SOMETIMES,

BUT I DON'T REALLY CASH THE CHECK, BECAUSE HIS BUSINESS

IS STILL REALLY, REALLY SOUR.

SO, WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOME, EDDIE?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

FROM OAKLAND.

[SIREN BLARING]

YEAH, I HEARD OF OAKLAND.

WE CAN STOP BY THERE AND SEE YOUR FOLKS IF YOU WANT.

NAH, WE BETTER GET YOU TO OREGON.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU SEEN 'EM?

WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER SEEING MY DAD.

AND IT'S BEEN ABOUT...10 YEARS SINCE I'VE SEEN MY MOM.

YEAH, BUT I BET SHE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.

I DOUBT IT.

[SIRENS BLARING]

[LIVIN' IN THE JUNGLE PLAYING]

* SOMEBODY TELL ME THAT THIS AIN'T REAL *

[RADIO CHATTER]

* STRANGE CAGES OF CONCRETE AND STEEL *

* SOMEBODY'S NEON NIGHTMARE *

* LIVIN' IN THE JUNGLE

* GIVE IT TO ME, OR I'LL TAKE IT FROM YOU *

* GOD HELP US IF YOU'RE BRAND-NEW *

* NO MERCY

* LIVIN' IN THE JUNGLE

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

* YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK

* LIVIN' IN THE JUNGLE

* YOU GOTTA COVER YOUR TRACKS

* LIVIN' IN THE JUNGLE HEY...

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT, BOY?

WHO'S THIS GUY? HE'S MY UNCLE.

* SOMEBODY TELL ME, HOW DO THEY COPE? *

* CRAZED ANIMALS WITHOUT ANY HOPE *

* MIDNIGHT DESPERADO

* LIVIN' IN THE JUNGLE

Woman: LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

* SOMEBODY'S SCREAMIN' [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

* SOMEBODY'S PISSED Man: WAIT TILL I GET YOU.

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

* LIVIN' IN THE JUNGLE

Man on TV: FINLEY-- CHUCK FINLEY, UH,

IS CONSIDERED THE NEXT PITCHER FOR THE CALIFORNIA ANGELS,

BIG LEFT-HANDER. HE WAS SCHEDULED TO GO NUMBER 2,

BUT THEY THOUGHT THEY'D SHAKE IT UP A LITTLE BIT,

AND GO LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT.

AND PHILLIPS RAN UP TO BUNT. [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

YO, MAN. CAN I TALK TO YOU?

YO, MIRA.

I'LL TAKE IT.

Man on TV: A LOST ART THERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

Second man on TV: ABSOLUTELY. GIVES YOU ONE MORE DIMENSION... [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[PIANO PLAYING]

Man on TV: THAT'S A PITCH IN ON THE INSIDE CORNER,

GOOD FOR ANOTHER STRIKE... [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

* HUSH, LITTLE BABY

* DON'T YOU CRY

* PAPA'S GONNA BUY YOU A MOCKINGBIRD... *

NOW, YOU HEAR ME TALKING TO YOU. MIRA. MIRA.

MIRA. MIRA. * IF THAT MOCKINGBIRD

Eddie: HEY, LOOK, MAN, I'M TALKING TO YOU.

* DON'T SING

* PAPA'S GONNA BUY YOU A DIAMOND RING... *

UH, I'M WITH MY FRIEND EDDIE.

Eddie: YO, MIRA. YO, MAN. CAN I TALK TO YOU?

[WHISPERING] She's got a gun.

* IF THAT DIAMOND RING TURNS BRASS... *

Man on TV: RAN 2 PITCHES RIGHT THERE, AND PHILLIPS... [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

THAT LOOKS LIKE A BEAUTY THERE.

THAT'S 2 WITH A STRIKE.

HOW DO YOU THINK THE A's ARE GONNA DO THIS YEAR?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, I THINK THAT MARK McGWIRE THERE,

HE REALLY-- HE'S A GOOD HITTER.

NOW, IF HE CAN MAINTAIN THAT THROUGH THE SEASON,

I THINK THEY'RE GONNA DO GOOD,

'CAUSE HE HITS GOOD FOR A WHITE BOY, YOU KNOW.

I ALSO THINK THAT IF THEY HAD A LITTLE MORE DEPTH

IN THEIR PITCHING, YOU KNOW--

THEY NEED SOME RELIEF. YOU KNOW,

IF THEY'D GET SOME GOOD TRADES THIS YEAR, YOU KNOW,

SOME GOOD TRADES-- HEY.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW LINDA CERVI? USED TO COME IN HERE ALL THE TIME ON THE WEEKENDS?

OH, YEAH. I REMEMBER HER.

HOW DO I JUST-- HOW DO I DO THE-- THIS PART HERE?

JUST SUCK ON IT.

* A CART AND BULL

* AND IF THAT CART AND BULL *

* TURN OVER...

YOU SHOULD CHECK WITH MAGGIE OVER THERE.

HEY, MAN, WE ALL LOOK ALIKE. WHICH ONE IS MAGGIE?

THE OLD BROAD WITH THE RED HAIR.

[PLAYING PIANO]

HEH HEH HEH! OK. THANKS, MAN.

* IF THAT HORSE AND CART FALL DOWN... *

ARE YOU MAGGIE?

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW LINDA CERVI?

MM-HMM.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE I COULD FIND HER, WOULD YOU?

YOU COULD TRY THE WILTON STREET CEMETERY.

* IN TOWN MM-HMM.

THANKS.

[APPLAUSE]

[SONG ENDS]

[DOG BARKING]

JEEZ, EDDIE, THIS IS REALLY SPOOKY.

THIS IS REALLY SPOOKY, EDDIE.

HEY, DO YOU EVER GO TO THE HORROR MOVIES,

WHERE ALL THE DEAD BODIES AND MONSTERS

COME OUT OF THEIR GRAVES AT NIGHT?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT, EDDIE?

NO MATTER HOW SLOW THEY WALK, THEY ALWAYS CATCH YOU.

I MEAN, THERE WAS JUST NO WAY TO KILL 'EM, NOHOW.

THEY JUST WALKED FORWARD...

REAL SLOW...

LIKE THIS.

AND THEY COME...

AND THEY CATCH YA! [GASPS]

UHH!

ARE YOU CRAZY? YES, BUT--

UHH!

YOU SCARED ME. I'M SORRY.

CUT IT OUT! I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY, EDDIE.

UHH! DON'T HIT ME.

SCARE ME LIKE THAT-- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M SORRY, EDDIE.

CRAZY?

MA?

EDDIE...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

THIS IS MY FRIEND, HOMER.

HELLO, HOMER.

HI.

WHEN DID YOU...

GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL?

2 WEEKS AGO. I BUSTED OUT.

THE DOCTORS...TAKE CARED OF THE TUMORS?

THE TUMORS? MM.

YEAH. OH, YEAH.

YOU DON'T THINK I'D BUST OUT WITHOUT THEM CURING ME, DO YOU?

HMM.

[SNIFFS]

GOOD.

HMM.

KIND OF WEIRD, JUST YOU SITTING HERE LIKE THIS.

OH, OH, IT'S OK.

IT'S OK. [KNOCKING]

I OWN THE PLACE. [GRUNTS]

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE GONNA DIE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, MA?

I GOT A... GOOD FEELING

ABOUT IT.

BUT AIN'T YOU SCARED?

OH, EDDIE...

EVERYBODY DIES.

AND IF THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT,

PEOPLE JUST WOULDN'T DO IT.

BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, EDDIE. YOU GOT A LONG TIME LEFT.

BUT WHEN THAT TIME COMES,

IT'LL BE RIGHT FOR YOU.

AND YOU'LL BE GLAD!

GLAD.

HEH HEH HEH.

NOW, GO ON. GET OUT OF HERE.

HMM.

CAN I STAY AND TALK A LITTLE WHILE LONGER?

WE HAD A NICE TALK ALREADY!

I CAN'T SIT HERE GABBING ALL NIGHT.

BE OFF WITH YOU!

HMM.

HMM.

HMM.

HOMER! TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER!

HMM.

[SEA GULLS CRYING]

SHE LIVED A GOOD LIFE, EDDIE, AND YOU DONE ALL YOU COULD FOR HER.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE I WAS 8 YEARS OLD,

I'VE BEEN IN TROUBLE.

THAT'S WHAT I DID FOR MY MOM.

YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT.

YOU KNOW, BAD STUFF JUST KIND OF FOLLOWS YOU AROUND. THAT'S ALL.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

HOMER, YOU KNOW I'M AN ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT.

OH.

YOU KNOW, I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WACKY ABOUT YOU.

[COMIN' DOWN WITH LOVE PLAYING]

* DON'T BOTHER WITH THE DOCTOR *

* 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOTHING HE CAN DO *

* IF YOUR HEART FEELS FUNNY *

* IT'S 'CAUSE CUPID SHOT HIS ARROW AT YOU *

* YOU LAY AWAKE ALL NIGHT, DREAM ABOUT THE GIRL *

* FRIENDS WILL SAY YOU'RE IN ANOTHER WORLD *

* THE DOCTOR CAN'T GIVE YOU NO MAGIC DRUG *

* 'CAUSE YOU'RE COMIN' DOWN WITH LOVE *

* THE DOCTOR CAN'T GIVE YOU NO MAGIC DRUG *

* 'CAUSE YOU'RE COMIN' DOWN WITH LOVE *

[SONG ENDS]

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]

* WELL, TELL, WELL, YEAH, WELL, TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME BACK *

* I, YEAH, MY, OH, MY, HOW I LOVE YOU *

* JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT IT COULD NEVER BE *

* YOU CAME ALONG FOR ME

* WHOA, OH, NO, OH, NOBODY CAN DO IT, NO *

* BUT YOU, WHOO-HOO, DO LIKE THE WAY YOU DO IT *

* JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT IT COULD NEVER BE *

* YOU CAME ALONG FOR ME

* JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS LOST *

* SUDDENLY YOU WERE THERE

* WELL, IF YOU WANTED ME TO, I'D WALK TO KALAMAZOO *

* JUST TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I CARE *

* YOU CAME ALONG FOR

* YOU CAME ALONG FOR

* YOU CAME ALONG FOR ME

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

EDDIE?

[ENGINE REVVING]

BYE, NOW!

SHE WAS CUTE.

OH, YEAH. SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, TOO.

LOOK, I GOTTA GO INSIDE AND GET SOME CANDY.

DO ME A FAVOR. TAKE THE HOSE.

HEY. TAKE THE HOSE.

YEAH. OH, YEAH. SURE.

YOU GOT IT? YEAH.

[CLICKING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

THAT'S IT.

[GUNSHOT]

[ENGINE REVVING AND TIRES SCREECHING]

[PANTING]

NO.

STOP THE CAR, EDDIE, RIGHT NOW.

WHAT? NO. NO. STOP THE CAR.

YES.

I-I'M NOT STAYING WITH YOU.

I'M NOT STAYING. I MEAN IT. LET ME GO. CALM DOWN.

CALM DOWN. LET ME GO NOW, EDDIE!

I WANT TO GO OUT NOW. STOP THE CAR!

[TIRES SCREECH]

GOD DAMN IT, HOMER. SHIT!

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? HUH?

Eddie: WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU JUST CUT IT OUT.

YOU--YOU KILLED THAT MAN BACK THERE. YOU KILLED HIM.

HOMER, IT WAS THE TUMOR. NO.

IT WAS NOT THE TUMOR. I SEEN IT.

AND YOU'RE GONNA GO TO HELL FOR THAT.

DON'T SAY THAT TO ME. DON'T SAY THAT.

FINE, GO. I DON'T CARE. JUST REMEMBER,

YOU PROMISED MY MOTHER YOU WERE GONNA TAKE CARE OF ME.

YOU PROMISED. YOU CAN'T BREAK A PROMISE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND.

YOU KILL EVERYBODY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

YOU MESSED IT UP! WE COULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS, EDDIE.

WE COULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOREVER.

NOT FOREVER, HOMER-- FOR A MONTH. NO.

FOR ONE MONTH. I'M DYING, HOMER.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT. NO, I'M NOT.

IT'S WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID AT THE HOSPITAL--

ONE MONTH.

IT'S NOT AN EXCUSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THESE THINGS.

I DON'T KNOW.

IT SCARES ME.

I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, DON'T YOU?

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY BEST FRIEND NOW.

[TOSSES SUITCASE]

WELL, THEN, YOU GOT...

YOU GOTTA DO SOME THINGS DIFFERENT. THAT'S ALL.

YOU'VE GOT TO.

I KNOW. YOU GOTTA--

YOU GOTTA ASK GOD TO FORGIVE YOU, EDDIE.

GOD DOESN'T FORGIVE PEOPLE LIKE ME HOMER.

YES, HE DOES, EDDIE. HE DOESN'T.

IF YOU ASK HIM, HE WILL.

AND THAT'S NO B.S.

THINK SO?

PROMISE?

I PROMISE.

"BLESS ME--" WHAT IS THAT WORD? "BLESS ME, FATHER" FOR WHAT?

I HAVE SINNED. "I HAVE SINNED.

IT'S BEEN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION."

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST IDEA YOU EVER HAD.

IT IS NOT A STUPID IDEA.

YOU'RE DOING GOOD. JUST READ FROM THE LIST THAT WE WROTE.

OK. I READ FROM THE LIST, AND THEN WHAT?

THEN THE PRIEST FORGIVES YOU FOR YOUR SINS

AND TELLS YOU HOW MANY PRAYERS YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOUR PENANCE.

BUT YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE YOU GOT 'EM ALL WRITTEN DOWN.

BECAUSE IF YOU SCREW UP AT ALL, IT'LL ALL BE NULL AND VOID.

AND THAT'S IT?

YEAH, THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL.

THAT'S ALL? I JUST GOTTA READ THIS STUFF, AND HE'S GONNA MAKE IT OK?

YEAH. WELL.

[WHISPERING] OK, it's your turn. HUH?

It's your turn. Go on.

WHAT'S THAT WORD?

SINNED. OK.

That's it, right there. Go in there.

BLESS ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED. UM...

I CURSED. I CURSED PEOPLE OUT.

I'VE LIED. I'VE BEAT PEOPLE UP.

AND, MAN, YOU KNOW, I HIT MY BEST FRIEND.

I HIT HOMER.

WHY DID YOU BEAT UP YOUR BEST FRIEND HOMER?

'CAUSE I GET MAD.

E-EXCUSE ME.

AH-CHOO!

OHH. DAMN COLD.

[SNIFFS] GOD BLESS YOU, FATHER.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHT TO TRY SOME GOLDENSEAL OR SOMETHING.

THAT WILL REALLY, YOU KNOW, HELP GET RID OF THAT.

YEAH? YEAH, A COUPLE OF LOZENGES FOR YOUR THROAT.

YOU SOUND A LITTLE HOARSE.

THANK YOU.

YEAH. YOU'RE WELCOME.

[SIGHS]

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SINS?

YEAH. UM, I KILLED 3 PEOPLE.

YOU'VE KILLED 3 PEOPLE.

YEAH. I KILLED ONE GUY THIS WEEKEND.

A LONG TIME AGO, I KILLED SOME OTHER PEOPLE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M REAL SORRY ABOUT IT, REALLY.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW...

I DIDN'T WANT TO GROW UP TO KILL ANYBODY.

YOU KNOW?

COULD YOU JUST, LIKE, MAKE IT OK WITH GOD

SO I COULD, LIKE, GET ON MY WAY?

MURDER IS A VERY SERIOUS CRIME.

I--I CAN'T JUST GRANT ABSOLUTION.

ARE YOU GONNA TURN ME IN?

NO.

NO, I CAN'T. I WOULDN'T.

BUT I AM ASKING YOU TO TURN YOURSELF IN.

YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND...

BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THE LOONEY BIN.

* BEEN A LONG TIME GONE

* MOVING ON

* CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I'VE BEEN *

* DOWN THE LINE

* ONE MORE TIME

* YEAH, LIVING ON THE FRINGE *

* BEEN A LITTLE BIT ROWDY

* A LITTLE BIT LOST

* NEVER HAD WHAT YOU CALL HOME

* GOING A LITTLE CRAZY

* TRYING TO GET OFF

* BEEN TROUBLE SINCE I WAS BORN *

* BABY

* I BET YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME

* YOU FEEL YOU DON'T BELONG

* LET'S SEE

* WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME...

Eddie: SO, UH, YOUR PARENTS ARE OK WITH ME STAYING OVER, HUH?

Homer: OH, YEAH, SURE.

ANY FRIEND OF MINE IS A FRIEND OF THEIRS,

THAT'S FOR SURE.

MY FOLKS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

HOMER, DID YOU SEE JESUS GO AROUND THE CORNER WITH A CROSS?

WHERE?

RIGHT BACK THERE. I JUST SAW HIM.

JESUS AIN'T AROUND HERE.

DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU I GODDAMN SAW--

BACK THE GODDAMN CAR UP.

HE JUST WENT AROUND THE CORNER.

YOU CAN'T SEE JESUS.

HE'S BEEN INVISIBLE EVER SINCE HE WAS DEAD.

JUST BACK THE CAR UP

AND DON'T ASK ME ANYMORE QUESTIONS.

I'M BACKING UP, I'M BACKING UP.

NOW, TURN. MAKE THIS TURN HERE.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

HE'S GOT TO BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

I MEAN, I JUST SAW HIM GO AROUND THE CORNER.

I THINK YOU'VE BEEN SEEING THINGS AGAIN.

I SWEAR I JUST SAW HIM GO AROUND THE CORNER.

HAD ON A CROWN OF THORNS.

HAD THE CROSS AND--

THAT'S WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE IN ALL THE PICTURES.

STRANGEST THING.

* JESUS SCARED THE HELL RIGHT OUT OF ME *

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

IT'S OUR HOUSE, ALL RIGHT.

I--I JUST DON'T REMEMBER IT BEING SO BIG.

YEAH, THAT'S NEW THERE.

I THINK THEY BUILT THAT.

YEAH, THEY ADDED ON.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ANYBODY'S THERE.

I THINK THAT'S MY ROOM.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

IT'S GOT RUNNING WATER AND EVERYTHING?

OH, YEAH.

THIS IS REALLY NICE.

YOU KNOW, I COULD PROBABLY LIVE HERE, MAN.

HEY, HOMER. YOU KNOW, IF I HAD KNOWN YOU WAS THIS RICH,

I'D HAVE PROBABLY KIDNAPPED YOU

AND THEN TRADED YOUR ASS BACK FOR THIS HOUSE, MAN.

THIS IS REALLY COOL.

[GRUNTS]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR.

I COULD JUST SHOOT THE LOCK OFF.

"I CAN SHOOT THIS. I CAN SHOOT THAT."

THAT'S YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING, AIN'T IT, EDDIE?

NO.

HEY, YOU BROKE MY PARENTS' DOOR.

MOM!

Eddie: MA!

HEY, EDDIE, COME UP TO MY ROOM.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY MICKEY MANTLE POSTER.

COME ON, EDDIE.

EDDIE, COME ON.

COME ON, EDDIE.

HEY, NOW, THESE THREADS ARE ME.

FLOWERS?

WHERE'S MICKEY MANTLE?

[PLAYING PIANO]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M HOMER'S FRIEND EDDIE.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE. [CLATTER]

WHY? WHAT? NO--NO, I'M HOMER'S FRIEND EDDIE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. HEY.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I TOLD YOU THAT I'M HOMER'S FRIEND EDDIE.

WE HAVE AN INTRUDER. LANZA RESIDENCE.

MA? NO, NO, NO.

WILL YOU SEND A POLICEMAN AROUND?

IT'S SOME OTHER WITCH.

SHE SAYS SHE'S GONNA CALL THE COPS.

AND IF YOU DON'T STOP HER, I WILL.

IF I WERE YOU, I'D RUN.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'VE GOT A BETTER QUESTION.

WHO ARE YOU?

WELL, I'M HOMER LANZA.

AND I'M LOOKING FOR MY MOM AND DAD.

THE LANZAS DON'T HAVE CHILDREN.

SURE THEY DO. ME.

YOU ASK BESS THE MAID, OK.

SHE REMEMBERS WHO I AM.

BESS RETIRED.

I'M THE MAID NOW.

GREAT.

WELL, SO THEN

MY MOM AND DAD HAVEN'T TOLD YOU ABOUT ME YET, THEN.

HERE.

SEE?

LOOK.

THAT'S ME.

THAT'S MY DAD, THAT'S MY MOM.

IT'S JUST LIKE THE PHOTO ON THE PIANO THERE,

BUT I'M NOT IN THAT ONE.

I'M IN THIS ONE.

NOW, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE, PLEASE?

THEY NEVER TOLD ME THEY HAD A CHILD.

MR. LANZA, YOUR FATHER

DIED 2 DAYS AGO.

YOUR MOTHER'S AT THE WAKE NOW.

OH, WHERE WOULD THAT BE?

UH, THE FUNERAL HOME IN THE CENTER OF TOWN.

THANK YOU.

HOMER.

HOMER, COME ON.

[SNIFFLES]

COME ON. COME ON, YOU'VE GOT TO SNAP OUT OF THIS.

MR. LANZA,

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

MR. LANZA, COME ON. COME ON.

COME ON.

NOW, THAT'S A GOOD BOY. THAT'S A GOOD BOY.

COME ON. VERY GOOD.

I WILL TELL THE POLICE

IT WAS A FALSE ALARM.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EDDIE.

READY?

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

[HORNS HONKING]

[CLANG]

GET THAT. GODDAMN, THERE'S HORSE SHIT ALL OVER THE GROUND.

WHAT'S THIS TOWN THINK IT IS, DODGE CITY?

WELL, THERE'S A PARADE HERE, THAT'S WHY.

THEY HAVE PARADES HERE EVERY MONTH.

'CAUSE THEY'RE HAPPY PEOPLE HERE.

USUALLY THESE GUYS ARE WEARING HOODS.

YOU CAN LOOK IT-- YOU CAN LOOK IT UP

IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS, TOO.

THEY HAVE ONE EVERY MONTH HERE IN OREGON CITY.

COME ON. [HONKS HORN]

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

SMART GUY.

THERE'S JESUS!

DID YOU SEE JESUS? JESUS CHRIST?

HE'S RIGHT THERE.

OOH, WHAT?

TELL ME YOU DON'T SEE HIM.

BIG AS DAY, CAN'T MISS HIM.

HE'S GOT A CROWN OF THORNS ON.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

IF THAT'S NOT JESUS, I'M NOT BLACK.

OH, GOD.

I THINK I GOT A LITTLE FAT.

I JUST SAW HIM. JUST SAW HIM.

EDDIE. EDDIE, WHERE YOU GOING?

EDDIE, COME ON.

I WANT TO GO SEE MY DAD NOW.

DON'T BUG ME, HOMER.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

HE'S DRESSED IN A SHROUD. IT'S HIM.

IT'S THE BIG J.C.

NOW DON'T PISS ME OFF, HOMER.

YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR FATHER?

BELIEVE ME, I JUST SEEN JESUS.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

HUH? THIS GONNA LOOK OK?

LOOKS NICE, EDDIE.

WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

OH, UH, I GOT IT FROM YOUR HOUSE.

THAT'S MY DAD'S.

I KNOW, BUT HE'S DEAD.

HE'S NOT GONNA MISS IT.

GET THIS STUFF OFF YOUR BACK.

HOW ABOUT ME, EDDIE, DO I LOOK OK?

YEAH. YEAH, YOU LOOK FINE.

YEAH? YEAH.

LET ME ADJUST YOUR...

I HATE DEAD PEOPLE.

GO AHEAD.

GO AHEAD.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YES, I'M HERE TO SEE MY DAD.

WHO'S THAT?

THE DEAD GUY UP FRONT.

A STRANGE MAN CAME IN ACTING WEIRD.

HE WENT UP THERE.

[INDISTINCT]

HEY, PA.

I'M REAL SORRY THAT

I DIDN'T GET HERE IN TIME TO SEE YOU

WHILE YOU WAS ALIVE,

BUT YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T WANT ME HERE ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T BLAME YOU

FOR BEING ASHAMED OF YOUR MENTAL RETARD SON.

I MEAN, IF I WAS YOU, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T WANT TO KNOW ME EITHER.

OH, AND I'M REAL SORRY

ABOUT NOT PAYING ATTENTION

WHEN THAT BALL HIT ME.

YOU KNOW.

I WAS JUST LOOKING TO SEE IF YOU WAS AT THE GAME.

I GUESS YOU WAS BUSY.

I UNDERSTAND, DAD.

AW, DAD...

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, HOMER.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD, MA. HOW ARE YOU?

I TRIED TO PHONE YOU WHEN HE DIED.

I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU PLANE TICKETS.

MOM, YOU KNOW, I REALLY BELIEVED--

I MEAN, I REALLY BELIEVED THAT YOU WASN'T RICH

AND THAT YOU WANTED THE BEST FOR ME.

OH, WE DO, HOMER.

I KNOW, UNTIL-- UNTIL YOU SAW THAT I WASN'T GETTING NO BETTER.

AND THAT YOU NEVER COULD BE PROUD OF ME.

AND THEN YOU SAID "TO HELL WITH HIM,

"HE AIN'T OUR SON.

"HE AIN'T OUR SON.

"WHY DON'T WE JUST LEAVE HIM DOWN THERE

AND FORGET ABOUT HIM?"

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DID.

HOMER, WE LOVE YOU.

OH, MOM.

HOMER, I'D LIKE YOU COME AND STAY AT THE HOUSE TONIGHT.

HMM?

WE CAN TALK ALL DAY TOMORROW.

I'D REALLY LIKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW, MA.

I DON'T THINK I'D LIKE THAT SO MUCH.

DON'T...

DON'T HATE ME.

NO, I UNDERSTAND.

IT'S SO NICE, THE THREE OF US TOGETHER.

YEAH.

IT IS.

SEE YA, DAD.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

WHAT'D YOUR MOTHER SAY?

SHE SAY WE COULD STAY?

NO.

NO.

NO?

REALLY?

NO.

SHE DON'T WANT ME.

THEY DIDN'T WANT ME AT ALL.

EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS...

IT'S JUST A BULL STORY.

IT'S JUST A BULL STORY.

HEY, MISTER, DON'T CRY.

IT'S A PARADE.

HEY, COME ON.

DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS.

HEY!

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

FOR WHAT?

I'M--I'M--I'M--I'M JUST--JUST KIDDING.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE HOMER LANZA, RIGHT?

YES.

WHO ARE YOU?

TOMMY DEARLY.

I WAS P-PITCHING THAT DAY YOU GOT HIT

IN THE S-SIDE OF THE HEAD WITH THE B-BASEBALL.

OH, SURE, I REMEMBER YOU NOW.

YOU KNOW, I'M S-SORRY I HUNG

THAT CURVEBALL, MAN.

OHH.

THAT'S...

THAT'S OK.

SO, UH, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF

ALL THESE YEARS?

OH, I'VE BEEN WASHING DISHES.

GOOD. GOOD.

THIS IS MY GOOD FRIEND EDDIE.

EDDIE, THIS IS ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE, TOMMY.

HOW--HOW--HOW ARE--

THIS IS MY BUDDY B-B-BOBBY BANKS.

HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE ON--ON--ON THE FORCE.

THERE'S A PARTY GOING ON.

YEAH. HOMER, COME HERE.

THERE'S A PARTY GOING ON. COME ON.

YEAH.

COME ON, LET'S GO GET A BODYBUILDER, HUH?

HEY, UH, HOMER,

I'LL--I'LL S-SEE YA T-TONIGHT!

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMEN SINGING IN GERMAN]

JESSE!

JESSE!

HOMER!

JESSE!

HI.

HOMER, LONG TIME NO SEE.

I HATE MATH. I HATE MATH.

I HATED MATH.

WHO'S THIS?

MY LITTLE SISTER, REMEMBER?

WOW, YOU'VE REALLY GROWN UP.

BETSY, RIGHT? BETSY.

[WOMEN SINGING IN GERMAN]

HEY, EDDIE, LOOK AT MY FRIEND.

SEE? OH, COME HERE, HONEY.

SEE? [APPLAUSE]

DON'T HE LOOK LIKE ME? YES.

HUH?

HI.

CAN I HOLD HIM?

OH, PLEASE.

WHOOP. [LAUGHS]

YEAH, THERE YOU GO.

OH, EDDIE, GUESS WHAT.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW JESSE, MY FRIEND JESSE?

HIS FAMILY OWNS A RESTAURANT,

AND HE SAID HE'S GONNA GET ME A JOB THERE.

AND GET THIS.

I'M GONNA MAKE 25 CENTS AN HOUR MORE

THAN I DID BEFORE.

NOT BAD, HUH?

THAT'S GREAT.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S GREAT.

HEY, AND I THOUGHT MAYBE WE'D GO TO CANADA,

YOU KNOW, AND MESS AROUND,

YOU KNOW, GET IN SOME TROUBLE OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW, EDDIE.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH?

IF I ASK JESSE, I BET HE COULD GET YOU A JOB THERE, TOO.

COME ON, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

SURE, HOMER.

YEAH? YEAH.

GREAT.

DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME, HOMER?

OK, BETSY, THAT SOUNDS FUN.

COME ON.

I'LL SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.

YEAH.

I DON'T THINK I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

SURE, HOMER. JUST TRY IT.

1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.

THAT'S PERFECT.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND]

BOBBY?

HEY, EDDIE.

WANT TO DO ME A FAVOR?

SURE.

GIVE THIS TO HOMER.

SURE.

THIS, TOO.

YOU TRUST ME WITH ALL THIS?

DID YOU SEE WHICH WAY SHE WENT?

SHE WENT THAT WAY, HOMER.

JUST A SECOND AGO.

HEY, HOMER, WHAT ABOUT THE SUITCASE?

$1.39. YOU WANT A BAG?

NO, I DON'T NEED-- I DON'T NEED A BAG.

I GOT SOME, UM, I GOT SOME...MONEY HERE SOMEWHERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT,

I GAVE ALL MY MONEY TO HOMER.

WELL, I GUESS YOU BETTER GO SEE HOMER.

UH, SEE, I CAN'T.

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY MONEY.

SO YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY MONEY, SO THAT'S THAT.

I NEED THE ASPIRIN.

I REALLY NEED THE ASPIRIN.

WELL, THAT'S-- THAT'S TOO BAD.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH, GO OUT AND EARN SOME MONEY

AND THEN COME BACK.

I'VE GOT SOME CHANGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I GIVE YOU A QUARTER,

YOU GIVE ME FOUR.

I GOT CHANGE. I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER FOR FOUR.

EDDIE.

LOOK, I GOT THE CHANGE.

I GOT--I CARRY CHANGE ALL THE TIME.

I CARRY THE CHANGE ALL THE TIME.

LOOK, UH, UM. [CASH REGISTER OPENS]

[CHUCKLES] YOU THINK...

I'M SORRY.

LOOK. LOOK, JUST TAKE IT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.

JUST TAKE THE GODDAMN MONEY, PLEASE.

TAKE IT.

TAKE IT! TAKE IT!

AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

NO!

EDDIE!

EDDIE, EDDIE, EDDIE.

EDDIE, YOU CAN'T DIE.

NO, EDDIE, YOU CAN'T DIE.

COME ON, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

YES. YES, DON'T SAY THAT, EDDIE.

DON'T SAY THAT. YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.

BUT YOU ARE. TRUST ME.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

I CAN SAVE YOU. I CAN.

NO, I CAN. I CAN SAVE YOU.

I CAN OPERATE ON YOU MYSELF, YOU KNOW THAT.

I'VE DONE IT FOR THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.

PUT ME DOWN, HOMER.

[GRUNTS] EDDIE.

OH, GOD, DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN.

OH.

OH, PLEASE. PLEASE STOP.

STOP, PLEASE. I NEED SOME HELP.

PLEASE, I NEED SOME HELP!

I'M SORRY, EDDIE.

[DRAGGING]

[WHISPERING] Homer.

Homer, look.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS HIM.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS HIM.

[DRAGGING]

Man: SORRY ABOUT THAT FREAK.

GOD'S GONNA TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU, EDDIE.

* SO TELL, TELL, YEAH, WELL, TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME *

* LIKE MY, MY, MY, OH, MY

* HOW I LOVE YOU

* JUST WHAT I THOUGHT THAT IT COULD NEVER BE *

* YOU CAME ALONG FOR ME

* NO, NO, NO, NO, WHOA, OH, NO, NO *

[BIRDS CAWING]

[HOME BY RICHIE HAVENS PLAYING]

* HOME

* IS WHERE I LONG TO BE

* HOME

* WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY

* HOME

* STAYS IN MY MEMORY

* OH, I WISH THAT I WAS HOME *

* HOME

* IS WHERE MY HEART IS

* HOME

* IS WHERE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN

* HOME

* WHERE SWEET MEMORIES LIVE

* OH, I WISH THAT I WAS HOME

* WHY DO WE WANDER SO FAR AWAY *

* AND THEN THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY? *

* I'M GOING BACK THERE SOON

* SOME SWEET DAY

* I ONLY HOPE EVERYTHING IS STILL THE SAME *

* 'CAUSE HOME

* IS WHERE I LONG TO BE

* HOME

* WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY

* HOME

* STAYS IN MY MEMORY

* OH, I WISH THAT I WAS HOME

* HOW I WISH THAT I WAS HOME *