Original subtitles

PREVIOUSLY ON...

AFTER AN INCIDENT AT SCHOOL... (gasps)

(tires screech, thud) AAH!

GABY WAS FORCED TO REPLACE THE P.T.A. PRESIDENT.

ME?

CARLOS WAS STRUGGLING WITH HIS GUILT.

THIS IS NOT ME. I CAN'T SLEEP. I'M SEEING GHOSTS.

I KNOW.

SUSAN FOUND A WAY TO COPE.

I'M TAKING A PAINTING CLASS BEING TAUGHT BY ANDRE ZELLER. GREAT.

BUT THE FAMOUS PAINTER DIDN'T MAKE IT EASY.

YOU'RE A BORED HOUSEWIFE TRYING TO KILL TIME

BETWEEN SPIN CLASS AND DRIVING YOUR KID TO SOCCER PRACTICE.

AND LYNETTE DISCOVERED THAT SINCE THEIR SEPARATION,

TOM HAD STARTED DATING.

IT'S JUST A COUPLE OF DINNERS AND... COFFEE.

GOD, TOM. WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME THIS?

(Mary Alice) IN THEIR 20 YEARS TOGETHER,

TOM AND LYNETTE SCAVO HAD FOLLOWED A FEW SIMPLE RULES...

ALWAYS SHARE THE HOUSEWORK...

NEVER WASTE THE HOT WATER,

AND NEVER, EVER GO TO BED ANGRY.

YES, THE RULES FOR BEING TOGETHER WERE SIMPLE.

BUT THE RULES FOR BEING APART...

WERE ANYTHING BUT.

STOP CALLING IT "DATING."

IT'S DINNER WITH A FRIEND.

(snorts)

DO NOT DO THAT. DO NOT DO THE SNORT.

COULD YOU MAKE HER STOP SNORTING?

LYNETTE, I FIND IT MORE EFFECTIVE

WHEN WE USE WORDS RATHER THAN INFLAMMATORY NOISES.

YOU WANT WORDS? HERE ARE SOME WORDS.

LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.

LOBSTER FOR TWO AT CHEZ NOUS IS NOT "DINNER WITH A FRIEND."

A $300 NIGHT AT SAKURA

IS NOT STRAPPING ON A FEEDBAG WITH A BUDDY.

I STILL DO OUR CREDIT CARD BILLS, GENIUS.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH WORDS.

HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE I WENT LOOKING FOR THIS.

JANE LIVES IN THE BUILDING. WE GOT TO TALKING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE WAS ACTUALLY NICE TO ME--

SOMETHING I'M NOT USED TO.

OH, I CAN'T SNORT, BUT A DRIVE-BY LIKE THAT'S OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING A LITTLE HOT,

BUT I THINK I KNOW WHY.

YOU TWO EMBARKED ON THIS SEPARATION

WITHOUT A CLEAR GOAL IN MIND.

ARE YOU TRYING TO GET BACK TOGETHER,

OR ARE YOU TRYING TO FIND

A GRACEFUL WAY TO END THE MARRIAGE?

WE DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE THIS RIGHT NOW,

BUT WE DO NEED TO LAY DOWN SOME GROUND RULES.

FOR EXAMPLE, ARE YOU DATING?

HE IS.

TWO DINNERS.

ALL RIGHT, SO YOU ARE DATING.

WHAT ABOUT SEX?

NO.

NOT YET.

I-I... (cries)

HE JUST ANSWERED YOUR FIRST QUESTION.

HE WANTS TO END THE MARRIAGE.

NO, LYNETTE, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

I'M NOT GIVING UP.

"NOT YET"?

LOOK, I STILL HOPE THAT WE CAN FIND A WAY TO WORK THINGS OUT,

BUT... (sighs)

WE DON'T MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY.

WE HAVEN'T FOR A LONG TIME.

SO WHAT IF--I MEAN,

WHAT IF THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO COULD?

I JUST FEEL LIKE IF WE DON'T...

EXPLORE...

THEN WE ARE GONNA END UP RIGHT BACK IN HERE, ON THIS COUCH,

HATING EACH OTHER.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE A LOT TO CONSIDER.

THERE'S NOTHING TO CONSIDER.

WE'RE... CLEARED FOR SEX.

LET THE DATING BEGIN.

YES, TOM AND LYNETTE WERE LEARNING

THE RULES OF SEPARATION.

AND THE FIRST RULE?

AND I CAN'T WAIT TO LET MY NEW BOYFRIEND

DO THAT THING I NEVER LET YOU DO.

THERE ARE NO RULES.

IN ANY GROUP,

THERE ARE ROLES THAT PEOPLE ARE DESTINED TO PLAY--

THE PERFECT HOMEMAKER TO BRING THE SNACKS,

THE FINANCIAL WIZARD TO KEEP THE BOOKS...

AND THE BUSYBODY TO SHARE THE GOSSIP.

BUT SOMETIMES THE MOST IMPORTANT ROLE OF ALL

GOES TO SOMEONE

WHO'S NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT PREPARED FOR IT.

HI, GUYS. I KNOW, I'M A LITTLE BIT LATE.

A LITTLE? TRY 45 MINUTES.

WELL, ONCE YOU HEAR WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH,

YOU WILL TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

SO...YOU KNOW HOW IT'S CALLED A HOT STONE MASSAGE?

SO THERE I AM AT THE SPA,

LAID OUT WITH MY MOJITO, MY "MARIE CLAIRE,"

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I FEEL A COLD ROCK ON MY ASS.

(chuckles) I KNOW!

SO ARMANDO WAS ALL APOLOGETIC. HE WANTED TO REHEAT THE ROCKS.

BUT AT THIS POINT, I'M LIKE,

"I'M SORRY. I'VE GOT A P.T.A. MEETING TO RUN."

IF YOU LEFT, WHY ARE YOU LATE?

OH, ARMANDO FELT SO BAD,

HE GAVE ME A COMPLIMENTARY SEAWEED WRAP. (laughs)

SO... WHAT'S ON THE AGENDA HERE?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO PLAN TEACHER APPRECIATION NIGHT.

MM. RIGHT, RIGHT. SO WHO'S DOING WHAT FOR THAT?

CINDY, YOU WANNA HANDLE THE FOOD?

NO.

OKAY.

RACHEL, YOU NEVER STOP TALKING. YOU WANNA EMCEE?

NO.

OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON IS YOU'VE WASTED OUR TIME.

I'M LEAVING. I HAVE TO PICK UP MY KIDS.

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO MY JOB.

I NEED TO TAKE MY MOTHER TO CHEMO.

WH--OKAY, OKAY. LET'S NOT PLAY SAD-LIFE POKER HERE.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

YOU KNOW, WE WOULD LOVE TO FRITTER AWAY OUR DAYS

WITH MANICURES AND HAIRDRESSERS AND SPA APPOINTMENTS,

BUT WE'RE NOT LIKE YOU. WE HAVE LIVES.

SO YOU CAN DO TEACHER APPRECIATION NIGHT

ON YOUR OWN.

WH--

WELL, COULD YOU AT LEAST FOLD UP YOUR CHAIRS

AND STACK 'EM ON THE ROLLING CART?

AND CAN SOMEONE EMPTY THE COFFEEPOT?

YOU'D REALLY DO--

(doors slam)

JEEZ! TALK ABOUT SELFISH.

(doorbell rings)

(door squeaks)

OH, THANK GOODNESS. YOU'RE ALIVE.

I'M SORRY, REVEREND.

I KNOW THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN TO CHURCH FOR A FEW SUNDAYS.

A FEW? TRY FIVE.

YOU KNOW WHO'S BEEN BRINGING SNACKS TO FELLOWSHIP HOUR?

HELEN JOHNSON.

UGH. LET ME GUESS.

BRAN MUFFINS FROM THE MINI-MART?

WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?

I SHOULD'VE CALLED YOU.

IT'S JUST, I HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING...

(sighs) VERY SPIRITUAL LATELY.

IT'S NOT UNCOMMON FOR US

TO LOSE OUR WAY SPIRITUALLY FROM TIME TO TIME,

TO FEEL...

IN THE WOODS.

INTERESTING CHOICE OF WORDS. (chuckles)

IT'S JUST THAT I...

FEEL LIKE MAYBE I'M NOT WORTHY OF...

GOD'S LOVE RIGHT NOW,

THAT...

I'VE LOST MY CONNECTION TO HIM.

BUT HERE'S THE GOOD THING ABOUT GOD, BREE--

HE'S EASY TO FIND.

JUST SEEK OUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN NEED, AND THERE HE IS.

IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO THE NEEDY WITH YOU, DOESN'T IT?

IT'S KIND OF IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION. (chuckles)

I HEAR YOUR NEW NEIGHBOR BEN FAULKNER

DOES WONDERFUL WORK WITH THE HOMELESS.

WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK TO HIM?

PERHAPS I WILL. (chuckles)

(chuckles)

THANK YOU, REVEREND.

I DID MENTION THAT HELEN'S DOING THE SNACKS, RIGHT?

AH.

I JUST FINISHED A BATCH OF MACADAMIA NUT SCONES.

WOULD YOU LIKE ONE?

BLESS YOU, MY CHILD. (chuckles)

AND MAYBE ONE FOR THE CAR?

I GET SO NERVOUS EVERY TIME I WALK INTO THIS CLASS.

I MEAN, ANDRE ZELLER, RIGHT?

BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

HE DOESN'T THINK I'M A SERIOUS ARTIST.

BUT I'LL SHOW HIM. I HAVE PAIN.

I MEAN, LIKE THIS MORNING,

MY 9-YEAR-OLD WALKED RIGHT INTO SCHOOL

WITHOUT EVEN SAYING GOOD-BYE.

NO HUG, NO KISS.

NOTHING. (sighs)

WELL, I'M GONNA TAKE THAT MISERY AND USE IT IN MY ART.

I'M USING MY FATHER'S SUICIDE.

(door opens)

TODAY WE'LL BE WORKING WITH LIGHT AND SHADOW.

OOH! EGGS. COOL.

MS. DELFINO, THIS IS MY BREAKFAST.

(rips paper)

YOU WILL NOT BE SKETCHING EGGS

OR ANY OTHER HACKNEYED STILL LIFES TODAY.

YOU'LL BE DRAWING THE MALE FORM.

EMILE.

WHOA!

SORRY.

TAKES SOME... GETTING USED TO.

(Andre) AS YOU BEGIN TO SKETCH,

THINK OF THE HUMAN FORM AS AN OBJECT.

WHAT IS IT THAT CATCHES YOUR EYE?

(stifles laugh)

(inhales sharply) MM. DIDN'T MEAN IT. JUST POPPED OUT.

I WANT YOU TO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION

TO WHICH PARTS OF THE HUMAN BODY REFLECT LIGHT

AND WHICH PARTS CAST A SHADOW.

(stifles laugh)

I'M SORRY, MS. DELFINO.

I DIDN'T REALIZE WE WERE IN JUNIOR HIGH.

HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PENIS BEFORE?

NO. NO. YES, I HAVE.

UH, LOTS. WELL, NOT LOTS.

THE APPROPRIATE... AMOUNT.

PLEASE TRY TO BE PROFESSIONAL.

I AM. I AM PROFESSIONAL.

PENIS, PENIS, PENIS. (exhales deeply)

JUST TRYING TO TAKE THE POWER OUT OF IT.

(stifling laugh)

QUICK. (pats arm)

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FATHER'S SUICIDE.

(door opens)

(sighs) HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH... (sighs)

I WAS, UH, LOOKING FOR MY PHONE,

AND, UH...

I KNOW THIS IS GONNA SOUND STUPID, BUT...

I COULDN'T GO IN THERE.

OH, GOD. I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND INSENSITIVE,

BUT IS THIS DEAD GUY ANGST?

'CAUSE I AM REALLY POOPED RIGHT NOW.

IT'S JUST, EVERY TIME I GO INTO THAT ROOM,

I THINK ABOUT THAT NIGHT.

WELL, HERE'S AN IDEA. DON'T GO IN THAT ROOM.

LOOK, THERE'S THE KITCHEN. NO ONE DIED IN THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE BOTH STRESSED.

I'LL POUR US A COUPLE OF DRINKS.

NO, THANKS. I'VE BEEN HITTING THAT STUFF PRETTY HARD LATELY.

I DON'T WANT IT TO BECOME A THING. (bottle clinks)

WELL, AFTER THE DAY I HAD, I'LL FINISH THE BOTTLE MYSELF.

(cork pops)

THIS P.T.A. GIG IS TURNING INTO A SERIOUS PAIN IN THE ASS.

(pours liquor) YEAH.

I SHOW UP THE TEENSIEST BIT LATE,

AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL OVER ME.

THEY'RE LIKE, "GABY, WHY ARE YOU LATE?

YOU SHOULD BE SAD AND MISERABLE AND ON TIME, JUST LIKE US."

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE JEALOUS OR SOMETHING.

OH, MY GOD.

THEY'RE JEALOUS.

I KNOW WHAT TO DO. (chuckles) THANKS FOR LISTENING.

(kisses)

(sighs)

IT'S NOTHING FANCY, BUT, UH, I'M PROUD TO SAY

WE FEED HUNDREDS OF HOMELESS PEOPLE EVERY DAY.

OH. WONDERFUL.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

WELL, GREAT.

BUT, UH, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY...

UH, WHAT DID YOU DO?

EXCUSE ME?

WELL, WHEN MOST PEOPLE WANNA GIVE BACK,

IT USUALLY MEANS THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING

THEY'RE, UH, ASHAMED OF.

YOU KNOW, EMBEZZLEMENT, ADULTERY.

WHAT'S YOUR STORY?

(chuckles)

I SUPPOSE I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME THING.

AND I'D HAVE THE GOOD SENSE NOT TO ANSWER.

MM-HMM.

I'VE JUST BEEN FEELING DISCONNECTED LATELY,

AND I THOUGHT BY DOING SOMETHING MEANINGFUL WITH MY DAYS

THAT I COULD CHANGE THAT.

ACTUAL SELFLESSNESS. THAT'S REFRESHING.

I WISH THE CITY COUNCIL WAS AS ENLIGHTENED AS YOU.

OH?

AH, THEY'RE HOLDING UP ONE OF MY DEVELOPMENTS

'CAUSE IT INCLUDES LOW-INCOME HOUSING.

AH. TYPICAL "NOT IN MY BACKYARD" ATTITUDE.

BY THE WAY...

IT'S NOT IN YOUR BACKYARD.

(cell phone rings)

(exhales deeply)

UH, I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

BUT, UH, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN THE CAPABLE HANDS

OF, UH, DONNIE HERE.

EXCUSE ME. HELLO?

WHO ARE YOU?

OH, I AM BREE, YOUR HUMBLE SOUS CHEF.

WHAT DO YOU NEED ME TO DO? PREP? SAUTE? CHOP?

YOU WANNA PREP?

START PREPPING.

THAT'S... IT?

OH, I FORGOT TO SHOW YOU THE SPICE RACK.

HERE YOU GO. SALT. PEPPER.

AND WE'RE OUT OF PEPPER.

IF I MAY,

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED MAKING THE SOUP FROM SCRATCH?

(scoffs) WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

JUST GET 'EM IN AND GET 'EM OUT.

YES, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW

HOW PRESSED FOR TIME THE HOMELESS ARE.

LOOK, THESE PEOPLE MAY NOT HAVE HOMES,

BUT THEY DO HAVE TASTE BUDS.

WOULD YOU BE OFFENDED

IF I TRIED WHIPPING UP A BATCH OF HOMEMADE SOUP?

CAN YOU GET IT DONE BY NOON?

OH, DEAR. I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO KEEP IT SIMPLE.

IT'S JUST A RUSTIC ACORN SQUASH BISQUE

FINISHED WITH A DOT OF MAPLE-INFUSED CREME FRAICHE

AND A LITTLE CRUMBLE OF FRIED SAGE.

HOLY CRAP!

FINALLY, A BLURB FOR MY NEXT COOKBOOK.

I UNDERSTAND THAT SOME OF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH THE NAKED BODY, MAYBE EVEN FIND IT LAUGHABLE.

MR. ZELLER, I'M SO SORRY.

ONE CANNOT CREATE REAL ART

IF ONE IS CRIPPLED BY ONE'S OWN INHIBITIONS.

I'M GONNA STRIP THEM AWAY.

SO... FOR OUR NEXT CLASS, WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE NUDE MODELS.

PHEW.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE NUDE PAINTERS.

WHAT?

PAINTING IN THE NUDE WILL FORCE YOU

TO CREATE FROM A PLACE OF TOTAL HONESTY.

AND IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT BEING AN ARTIST,

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.

NOPE. NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

(whimpers)

WHAT'S GOING ON, GABY?

YEAH. WHY'D YOU CALL US HERE?

I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE

FOR WHAT HAPPENED AT THE LAST MEETING.

KEEP TALKIN'.

IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO BLOW YOU OFF FOR A SPA APPOINTMENT

WHEN YOU HAVE SUCH BUSY LIVES.

MESSAGE RECEIVED, LOUD AND CLEAR.

THANK YOU.

SO TO SHOW YOU I'VE TAKEN YOUR COMPLAINT TO HEART,

MAY I PRESENT MY BEAUTY TEAM!

ARMANDO, THE BEST MASSEUSE IN TOWN,

KAY, MY HAIRDRESSER,

AND PING ON NAILS.

YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO BE JEALOUS OF MY FABULOUS LIFE.

FOR ONE DAY, YOU CAN BE ME. MY TREAT. GO CRAZY.

WOW. GOOD TO KNOW YOU GOT OUR MESSAGE.

YOU'RE WELCOME. (chuckles)

SO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO RECONSIDER DOING THE FOOD?

I'D LOVE TO.

(chuckles) UH, I'LL HANDLE DECORATIONS.

YEAH, WHATEVER YOU NEED FROM US.

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

NOW TODAY, RELAX.

TAKE A BREAK FROM GROCERY SHOPPING AND SPANKING.

I HAVE TO GO MEET MY TRAVEL AGENT.

ARE YOU GUYS SERIOUS? ARE WE REALLY HELPING HER?

NO. WE'RE HELPING OURSELVES TO A FREE SPA DAY,

THEN WE'RE GOING TO LEAVE HER TWISTING IN THE WIND.

OH! HEY, LADIES,

ANYONE KNOW OF A GOOD HOTEL IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE?

(chuckles) I'M SORRY. I DID IT AGAIN!

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. (laughing)

(door closes)

HEY, LYNETTE,

DID I LEAVE THOSE FABRIC SAMPLES?

(gasps) BUSTED!

THAT IS A PORN SLAM IF I'VE EVER SEEN ONE.

(mouth full) PORN? MM.

NO. I WAS CHECKING MY E-MAIL.

(scoffs) COME ON. IT'S OKAY. WE ALL LOOK AT PORN.

WHAT ARE YOU INTO?

STRAIGHT, BI, SOLO, BALD GUYS,

FUZZY WHISPERS, CINNAMON CAKES,

POODLING?

DO I HAVE TO LEARN WHAT THOSE ARE?

'CAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

OH, COME ON. LET ME SEE. I PROMISE I WILL NOT JUDGE.

NO. I SIGNED UP FOR AN ONLINE DATING SERVICE,

AND I TOOK A STAB AT MY INTRODUCTION VIDEO.

(taps key)

HI, I'M LYNETTE.

I'M 35 TO 45-ISH.

I'M A CANCER, AND I BEAT CANCER.

COINCIDENCE OR NOT? YOU DECIDE. (chuckles nervously)

THAT IS MORE DISTURBING

THAN ANY PORN I'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T JUDGE.

OH! ONLINE DATING SUCKS.

IT'S FULL OF GUYS WHO PHOTOSHOP HAIR ON THEIR HEADS

AND CROP OUT THEIR MAN BOOBS.

YOU WANT TO MEET MEN? I'M TAKING YOU TO A BAR.

A BAR? OH, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S BEEN 25 YEARS SINCE I TRIED TO PICK UP A GUY.

WELL, WITH ME AS YOUR WINGWOMAN, YOU CAN HAVE ANY MAN YOU WANT.

FRIDAY OKAY?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD A DATE WITH BEN.

MM. HE CANCELED. AGAIN.

SOME STUPID REAL ESTATE DEVELOPMENT FOR THE POOR.

BASTARD.

(sighs) WELL, HIS LOSS.

IF HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE WHAT HE'S GOT,

I WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO DOES.

OH, AND LAY OFF THE ICE CREAM.

THERE'S NO PHOTOSHOP IN REAL LIFE.

MORNING. WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?

EGGS. I WAS GONNA MAKE BACON, BUT IT SEEMED A LITTLE RISKY.

SUSAN, YOU GET UPSET IF I TAKE MY SOCKS OFF IN THE KITCHEN.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

ANDRE FEELS "UNTIL WE SHED OUR INHIBITIONS,

OUR ART WILL BE ONLY SUPERFICIAL."

ANYWAY,

FOR OUR NEXT CLASS, WE HAVE TO PAINT IN THE NUDE.

SO I'M TRYING TO GET USED TO IT.

AND I WANT TO PROVE TO HIM THAT I CAN BE A REAL ARTIST.

(chuckles) WOW, THAT GUY IS GOOD.

HE GETS TO SEE A BUNCH OF COEDS NAKED AND CALL IT WORK.

(laughs)

OH, HONEY, I'M KIDDING.

NO, I CAN'T DO IT.

I'M NOT A NAKED PERSON.

MAYBE I'M NOT A REAL ARTIST EITHER.

SUSAN. (mouth full) NO, I MEAN IT.

ANDRE DOESN'T LIKE ANY OF MY WORK.

I'M NOT SERIOUS LIKE THE OTHER STUDENTS.

I THINK I'M JUST GONNA QUIT THE CLASS.

QUIT? BUT THIS CLASS HAS BEEN REALLY GOOD FOR YOU.

IT SEEMS LIKE IT WAS PULLING YOU

OUT OF THAT DARK PLACE YOU'VE BEEN IN.

YOU THINK SO?

YEAH, AND I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING MY OLD SUSIE BACK.

BESIDES, THIS GUY SOUNDS LIKE A JACKASS.

DON'T LET HIM WIN.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AM A SERIOUS ARTIST.

I JUST NEED TO GET USED TO PEOPLE SEEING ME NAKED.

(knock on door) (Lee) SUSAN! IT'S LEE. YOU HOME?

PERFECT. MY BEST GAY.

WHO BETTER TO PRACTICE ON?

GOOD MORNING, LEE.

THIS IS BOB'S--MOTHER OF GOD!

OHH!

(laughs)

GAY MARRIAGE DOESN'T SEEM SO FREAKY NOW, DOES IT?

(indistinct conversations)

LOOKS LIKE MY TUSCAN BEAN WITH PARMESAN CROSTINI IS A HIT.

YEAH, IT IS, BUT I THINK YOU'RE STARTING

TO ATTRACT THE WRONG SORT OF CROWD.

EXCUSE ME, BUT, UH, YOU DON'T EXACTLY LOOK HOMELESS TO ME.

YEAH, I-I'M HOMELESS.

AND YET YOU HAVE A $2,000 LAPTOP?

BUT I LIVE IN THE BOX IT CAME IN?

OKAY, I-I'M A COLLEGE STUDENT.

BUT MY PARENTS DID STOP TALKING TO ME

WHEN I SWITCHED FROM PRE-MED TO CREATIVE WRITING.

WELL, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE.

TOO BAD. I JUST GAVE YOU MAD PROPS ON MY BLOG.

IS THAT A GOOD THING?

YEAH.

"HOMEY BUT REFINED,

"BREE VAN DE CAMP'S TUSCAN BEAN SOUP

IS A REVELATION IN A BOWL."

REVELATION, YOU SAY?

UH-HUH. AND IT'S ALREADY BEEN "LIKED" ON FACEBOOK

AND RETWEETED 200 TIMES...

WHICH IS ALSO A GOOD THING.

OH.

BUT HEY, IF I GOTTA GO...

HOLD ON.

I CAN'T LET A TALENTED NEAR-ORPHAN LIKE YOU GO HUNGRY.

LET ME GET YOU A REFILL.

OH, AND IT'S "VAN DE KAMP"... (whispers) WITH A "K."

HEY, MIKE. NEED A HAND?

NO, I'M OKAY.

(thud)

UH, SUSAN AROUND?

UH, SHE'S AT HER PAINTING CLASS.

OKAY.

I'LL... STOP BY LATER.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU NEED TO SAY SOMETHING TO ME, MIKE?

YEAH, I DO.

IF THINGS WERE DIFFERENT,

IF IT HAD BEEN ME THAT KILLED SOMEBODY,

AND YOUR WIFE WALKED IN,

I'D HAVE GONE TO THE COPS AND TURNED MYSELF IN.

I WOULDN'T HAVE DRAGGED GABY INTO IT.

THERE'S A LOT I WOULD'VE DONE DIFFERENTLY ABOUT THAT NIGHT

IF I COULD.

YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN'T.

BUT HERE'S WHAT YOU CAN DO-- YOU CAN LEAVE SUSAN ALONE.

JUST LET HER FIND A WAY TO DEAL WITH WHAT YOU PUT HER THROUGH.

IT JUST REALLY HELPS

TO TALK TO HER.

BUT IT DOESN'T HELP HER.

THEN...

I WON'T DO IT ANYMORE.

YEAH.

(sighs)

(Andre) REMEMBER, TECHNIQUE IS A CRUTCH.

LEARN IT AND THROW IT AWAY.

THAT WAY YOU CAN BEGIN TO FIND YOUR OWN VOICE

AND THAT'S WHAT THAT...

(students murmur)

OH, MY GOD.

OH!

TAKING CASUAL FRIDAY A BIT TO THE EXTREME,

AREN'T WE, MS. DELFINO?

ISN'T THIS THE DAY WE WERE...

AREN'T WE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE...

THE SCHOOL PUT THE KIBOSH ON MY LITTLE ARTISTIC EXPERIMENT.

IT WAS ALL THERE IN THE E-MAIL.

WHAT E-MAIL?

THE ONE YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T OPEN.

MAYBE YOU DIDN'T SEND ME ONE.

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

TO HUMILIATE ME.

TO PUNISH ME FOR LAUGHING.

YOU HAVE SINGLED ME OUT SINCE DAY ONE.

WHY NOT TRY TO MAKE A FOOL OF ME?

BECAUSE IN THE VAST LANDSCAPE OF MY INTERIOR LIFE,

YOU'RE MERELY A DUST SPECK.

NOW GET DRESSED AND SIT DOWN.

NO.

I SIGNED UP FOR THIS CLASS TO LEARN SOMETHING,

NOT TO BE A PUNCHING BAG

FOR AN EGOMANIAC

WITH A PAINTBRUSH!

I QUIT!

(thud)

HELLO AND WELCOME TO OUR SOUP KITCHEN.

I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY, BECAUSE I HAVE PREPARED

A HEARTY ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP TODAY.

DONNIE, TWO.

(indistinct conversations)

REVEREND SYKES. WHAT A NICE SURPRISE!

THAT'S QUITE A CROWD OUT FRONT.

I PRACTICALLY HAD TO FIGHT MY WAY IN.

WELL, EVER SINCE I TOOK OVER THE KITCHEN,

WE'VE BEEN JAM-PACKED.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SUGGESTING I GET INVOLVED.

I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE NEEDED OR IMPORTANT IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

THE INTENTION OF CHARITY IS NOT TO MAKE US FEEL IMPORTANT.

OF COURSE NOT. IT'S TO HELP PEOPLE.

FEELING IMPORTANT'S JUST A BONUS.

(chuckles)

SO WHAT BRINGS YOU BY?

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD TELL ME

WHERE A HOMELESS PERSON COULD GET A HOT MEAL.

WELL, RIGHT HERE, OF COURSE.

NO, BREE.

EVER SINCE YOU'VE TURNED THIS SOUP KITCHEN

INTO A BISQUE KITCHEN,

THE HOMELESS DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE HERE.

WHY? I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE THIS PLACE SPECIAL.

IT WAS ALREADY SPECIAL. IT WAS HOME FOR THEM,

UNTIL YOU TOOK THAT AWAY.

(sighs)

(indistinct conversations)

EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO LEAVE.

HEY, WE'RE STILL EATING.

WELL, THEN GO EAT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

YOU CERTAINLY LOOK LIKE YOU CAN AFFORD TO.

WHOA. WHERE'S THE ATTITUDE COMING FROM?

WE MADE THIS PLACE A SUCCESS.

NO. THIS PLACE IS SUPPOSED TO FEED HOMELESS PEOPLE.

IT'S A DISMAL FAILURE.

THIS FOOD ISN'T FOR YOU. IT'S FOR THE HUNGRY AND THE POOR--

THE PEOPLE WE WALK PAST EVERY DAY.

EVERYONE DESERVES TO HAVE A PLACE,

AND THIS PLACE WAS THEIRS UNTIL I MADE IT MINE.

SO PLEASE, PACK UP YOUR LAPTOPS AND YOUR SMARTPHONES AND GO.

PLEASE GO.

BEN, I'M SORRY. I HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MESS OF THINGS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE A SPEECH THAT GOOD AGAIN TOMORROW?

SPEECH?

YOU'RE GONNA HELP ME PUSH THAT LOW-INCOME HOUSING PROJECT

THROUGH CITY COUNCIL.

(knock on door)

THIS IS WHERE YOU LIVE, HUH?

NORMAN ROCKWELL WOULD WALK DOWN THIS STREET

AND SAY, "A LITTLE MUCH."

(chuckles)

CAN I COME IN?

OF COURSE. HOW ELSE ARE YOU GONNA MAKE FUN

OF THE INSIDE OF MY HOUSE?

BY THE WAY, I, UH, CHECKED MY E-MAIL,

AND, UH, YOU NEVER SENT ME ONE.

DID YOU CHECK YOUR CAMPUS E-MAIL?

I HAVE A CAMPUS E-MAIL?

OKAY, I'M GONNA MAKE THIS BRIEF,

MAINLY BECAUSE I'VE GOT A DINNER ENGAGEMENT

WITH SOMEONE INFINITELY MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU.

(sighs) WOW.

CLIMB DOWN FROM YOUR CROSS AND COME BACK TO MY CLASS.

WHY? SO YOU CAN ABUSE ME MORE?

YES, I WILL ABUSE YOU AND SCREAM AT YOU,

MAKE YOU PAINT IN THE NUDE AND DO ANYTHING ELSE

I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TO STOP BEING SO SCARED.

I'M NOT SCARED.

I SHOWED UP AT YOUR CLASS NAKED. (chuckles)

THEN YOU RAN AWAY.

IT SEEMS TO ME YOU DO A LOT OF RUNNING AWAY

AND NERVOUS GIGGLING.

MM.

YOU ACT LIKE SOMEONE WHO'S...

WHAT?

YOU'RE HIDING SOMETHING,

AND I'M GONNA PULL IT OUT OF YOU,

AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THERE IS A CHANCE--

THE REMOTEST, SLIMMEST WISP OF A CHANCE--

THAT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BECOME AN ARTIST.

OH, GOD. IS THIS THE PART WHERE YOU TELL ME

THAT THE REASON YOU'RE BEING SO HARD ON ME

IS BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE CLASS WITH POTENTIAL?

NO.

AMY YAMATA'S THE ONLY ONE IN THE CLASS WITH POTENTIAL.

YOU'RE A BIZARRE CAR CRASH THAT SOMEHOW FASCINATES ME.

THANK YOU?

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

THIS IS ABOUT AS LONG AS I CAN SPEND

IN A ROOM DECORATED WITH CERAMIC ELEPHANTS.

(door opens and closes)

HI, LADIES. SOMEONE WANNA HELP ME WITH THESE FLOWERS?

OKAY, NO WORRIES. I GOT IT.

(sighs)

WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN DOING?

PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE HERE IN TWO HOURS. NOTHING'S BEEN SET UP.

WELL, I'M JUST SO RELAXED FROM THAT MASSAGE.

I'D HATE TO LIFT SOMETHING AND TENSE UP AGAIN.

YEAH, AND--AND PING WORKED SO HARD ON THESE NAILS.

I WOULD HATE TO CHIP THEM.

AND I... CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING WITTY TO SAY

ABOUT MY FABULOUS NEW 'DO, BUT I'M NOT DOING SQUAT EITHER.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

I WENT OUT OF MY WAY TO HELP YOU PEOPLE.

OH, MY GOD, YOU ARE SO OUT OF TOUCH.

DO YOU REALLY THINK A HOT STONE MASSAGE

IS GONNA SOLVE MY PROBLEMS?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE KINDS OF THINGS REAL PEOPLE DEAL WITH.

YOU LIVE IN THIS PERFECT LITTLE FAIRY TALE.

FINE. I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

I HAVE TWO HOURS AND A VERY CAPABLE HUSBAND.

THIS EVENT IS GOING OFF WITHOUT A HITCH. (beep)

OH, AND ONE MORE THING.

(gasps)

(Carlos) Hello?

HONEY, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU AT WORK,

BUT THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

Whoa. What's going on?

I NEED YOU TO MEET ME AT THE SCHOOL.

(loudly) THESE P.T.A. BEEYOTCHES--

YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU, CINDY...

(normal voice) ARE REFUSING TO HELP ME.

I NEED AN EXTRA PAIR OF HANDS.

SURE. I'LL BE--BE RIGHT THERE.

HA! HE'S ON HIS WAY.

THANKS. YOU'RE A LIFESAVER. (beep)

(exhales deeply)

(exhales deeply)

(dance music playing)

(indistinct conversations)

WOW. WHEN I PICTURED THIS IN MY HEAD,

I WASN'T AS OLD AS ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE...

COMBINED.

UH, TWO MARTINIS, DIRTY.

OH, WAIT. THAT'S ME.

(chuckles)

FEEL FREE TO USE THAT IF YOU WANT.

MAYBE I WILL... AT HOME, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING.

OH, RELAX.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE LIKE A CANDY STORE.

YOU JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR.

OBVIOUSLY, SOMETHING WITH NUTS.

I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH THIS.

I DATED, I COMBED THROUGH ALL THE LOSERS,

AND I FINALLY FOUND A GUY,

SOMEONE WHO WAS SMART AND MADE ME LAUGH.

AND NOW TO BE BACK HERE, AT MY AGE,

DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN, IT'S DEPRESSING.

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT?

IT IS DEPRESSING. RENEE.

WHAT AM I DOING IN HELL'S CANDY STORE?

I HAVE A GUY. HE'S SMART AND HE MAKES ME LAUGH.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID BEN WORKS TOO MUCH.

OH, HE'S PASSIONATE ABOUT HIS JOB, BUT HE'S A 10.

YOU ADD UP EVERY GUY IN THIS PLACE AND YOU GET A 6.

BUT YOU STAY. THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMEBODY HERE FOR YOU.

ORANGE CABLE...

GOES AROUND HERE...

THIS ONE GOES HERE.

HA! AND... (singsongy) PRESTO!

(microphone feedback whining) OH!

(gasps)

OW.

SO IS "PRESTO" SPANISH FOR "COVER YOUR EARS"?

(women laugh)

THAT'S HILARIOUS, CINDY.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN A COMIC

INSTEAD OF A PINT-SIZED PAIN IN MY ASS!

OH, IT'S GETTING LATE.

LOOKS LIKE YOUR PERFECT HUSBAND

ISN'T GONNA BE HERE TO BAIL YOU OUT.

(clatter)

AHA! LOOK WHO'S HERE.

THERE'S MY HERO!

NOW HURRY UP. WE NEED TO GET CRACKING HERE.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(chairs clatter)

(grunts)

CARLOS.

(grunts)

HEY, GABY.

(pants)

(whispers) CARLOS, YOU CAN'T BE HERE LIKE THIS. YOU'VE GOTTA GO.

NO, NO, NO. GONNA HELP, OKAY?

NO. PLEASE. YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

NO, I'M GONNA HELP, OKAY? GONNA HELP.

NO, HONEY. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, PLEASE.

HANG ON. HANG ON. (sniffs)

WHEW!

RACHEL, GET THE SOUNDBOARD SET UP.

MELISSA, MEGAN, START PUTTING OUT THE FOOD.

MELISSA, NOW.

IT'S OKAY, GABY.

WE GOT IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

JUST TAKE CARE OF YOUR HUSBAND.

HELLO.

I'M PHIL, AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.

BUT I'LL TAKE IT.

GOD KNOWS IT TOOK ME LONG ENOUGH TO GET READY TONIGHT.

I EVEN HAD TO PAY THE SITTER TO COME EARLY.

SITTER? SO YOU HAVE KIDS?

YEAH.

FIVE. FIVE KIDS.

WOW. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT.

I ACTUALLY HAVE A HUSBAND, TOO, BUT WE'RE SEPARATED,

AND WE'RE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE. OR HE IS, AND I'M TRYING TO.

NOT THAT I'M DOING IT TO RETALIATE, IT'S JUST THAT--

WOW. I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP TALKING.

MAYBE YOU COULD SAY SOMETHING NOW.

BYE.

BYE-BYE.

CROWD'S A LITTLE LIGHT TONIGHT, DON'T YOU THINK?

CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK OR ARE YOU ALREADY LIT?

OH, COME ON. I'LL LET YOU PLAY WITH MY TIE.

HERE'S THE REMOTE.

(chuckles)

(crackling sound)

(indistinct conversations)

DON'T I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE?

OKAY. NOT THE MOST ORIGINAL LINE,

BUT YOU'RE CUTE, SO... (chuckles) LYNETTE.

RIGHT. RIGHT. YOU'RE PORTER AND PRESTON'S MOM.

OH, GOD.

MRS. SCAVO WAS THE COOLEST MOM.

SHE USED TO MAKE US GRILLED CHEESE

IN THE SHAPE OF DINOSAURS. SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

(dance music playing in distance)

HERE YOU GO.

IT'S PROBABLY THE ONLY SET OF KEYS WITH A PURPLE LANYARD.

MY KID MADE IT AT CAMP.

LOOK, I'M WEARING SOMETHING CALLED SKINNY JEANS,

WHICH ARE VERY PAINFUL

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE SOMETHING CALLED SKINNY LEGS,

SO I JUST WANNA GO HOME AND PEEL THEM OFF. DO YOU MIND?

NO, NOT AT ALL. I JUST-- I DON'T--I DON'T WORK HERE.

OH.

OH, GOD. I'M SORRY. YOU'RE NOT THE VALET.

(sighs) I KNEW THIS VEST WAS A BAD IDEA,

BUT THE GAY GUY IN MY OFFICE TOLD ME THEY'RE BACK.

NO, THE VEST IS GREAT.

I HAVE IT IN NAVY.

IT'S JUST--I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT IN SO LONG,

I FIGURED I'D TRY TO MIX THINGS UP.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT IN SO LONG?

LAST TIME I WAS AT A BAR LIKE THIS,

BEEPER NUMBERS WERE EXCHANGED.

(laughs) I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY BANNED SMOKING IN BARS.

AND HOW DID THE GOOD, OLD, RELIABLE MARTINI LOSE ITS JOB?

APPLE? CHERRY? WATERMELON? THOSE ARE SLUSHIE FLAVORS.

(laughs)

I'M LYNETTE.

SCOTT.

BY THE WAY, NOT THAT IT'S A COMPETITION,

BUT I HAVE TWO LANYARDS ON MY KEYCHAIN.

THEY'RE PINK.

DAUGHTERS? YES.

DIVORCE?

NO, THANKS. I ALREADY HAD ONE.

(chuckles) YOU?

UH, SEPARATED.

(vehicle approaches)

HEY. UM...

LISTEN, THIS IS THE FIRST DECENT CONVERSATION I'VE HAD ALL NIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO BACK INSIDE AND CONTINUE IT?

I SAY...

POMEGRANATINIS ARE ON ME.

ALL RIGHT. THAT WAS EASY.

YOU CALLING ME EASY?

NOT YET.

UM, PLEASE.

AH.

UH, CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?

I HAVE, UH, VODKA.

I HAVE MILK. I HAVE CHOCOLATE MILK.

I HAVE JUICE BOXES. (chuckles)

HAVING KIDS HAS REALLY RUINED MY GAME, HUH?

VODKA AND CHOCOLATE MILK--

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I GIVE MY BABY TO CALM HER DOWN.

(chuckles)

CHEERS.

CHEERS. (chuckles)

(chuckles nervously)

NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

I'D PUT ON SOME MUSIC, BUT MY EX GOT ALL MY CDs.

MM.

I COULD TURN ON A BLACK LIGHT, BUT I'M NOT 16.

MAYBE I COULD LIGHT SOME CANDLES,

BUT THAT SEEMS LIKE KIND OF AN OBVIOUS MOVE, RIGHT?

NOT AS OBVIOUS AS THIS.

MAYBE OBVIOUS ISN'T SO BAD.

(gasps)

OHH.

OH, WOW! (gasps)

NO? NO. OH, NO, IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. KEEP GOING.

MMM. MMM. (moans)

I HAVE ANOTHER ROOM THAT I WOULD LOVE TO SHOW YOU.

REALLY?

UH-HUH.

YOU'RE GETTING... BETTER AT THIS.

MMM.

(moans)

(pants)

(whispers) OW.

(grunts)

OH! HANG ON. HANG ON.

SHOOT!

OH. RIGHT HERE?

OKAY.

NO, I... DROPPED SOMETHING.

OH. CAN I HELP?

MY RING FELL OFF. YOU HAD TO HAVE SHAG CARPETING, HUH?

UGH. THAT GAY GUY AT MY OFFICE SAID SHAG WAS BACK.

REALLY NEED TO START GETTING MY STYLE TIPS FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

DAMN IT. WHERE IS IT?

THIS RUG-- IT SWALLOWS EVERYTHING.

THERE USED TO BE AN END TABLE HERE AND...

OH, MY GOD! PLEASE DON'T BE FUNNY RIGHT NOW.

WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.

HERE IT IS.

(sighs) OH.

THANK YOU.

SO, UH, WHERE WERE WE?

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T.

YOU'RE A REALLY GREAT GUY.

YOU'RE NICE AND YOU'RE FUNNY AND...

WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING...

(voice breaking) TO--TO MY NECK WAS REALLY WORKING FOR ME,

BUT THE IDEA OF WALKING 10 FEET INTO YOUR BEDROOM

IS ABOUT THE SCARIEST THING I CAN THINK OF RIGHT NOW.

OKAY.

I'M...

HOPING TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH MY HUSBAND,

AND I GUESS I JUST--

I GET IT.

YOU'RE NOT THERE YET.

I'M NOT.

(chuckles)

(sniffles)

WELL, I THINK I SHOULD GO. (chuckles)

COME ON.

(sighs)

BYE.

I UNDERSTAND YOUR HESITATION.

I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WITH A MANICURED LAWN

WHO WOULD OBJECT

WHEN A PROPOSAL LIKE THIS THREATENS HER COMMUNITY.

BUT MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED,

AND I WILL PERSONALLY GO DOOR-TO-DOOR

TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE SEE HOW ESSENTIAL THIS PROJECT IS,

SO THAT WHERE WE LIVE CAN TRULY BE CALLED A COMMUNITY.

(murmuring)

YOU WERE AMAZING.

WELL, I MEANT EVERY WORD.

I WANT TO HELP YOU ANY WAY I CAN.

GREAT. WELL, UH, FIRST THING TOMORROW,

I'LL TAKE YOU OUT TO SEE THE CONSTRUCTION SITE.

YES, WE MAY THINK WE'RE ALL DESTINED

TO PLAY CERTAIN ROLES.

BUT SOMETIMES THOSE ROLES CAN UNEXPECTEDLY CHANGE.

A NERVOUS STUDENT MAY DISCOVER A HIDDEN CONFIDENCE.

A LONGTIME WIFE MAY CONFRONT A HARSH NEW REALITY.

A BUSY MOTHER

MAY FIND HER ATTENTION IS NEEDED ELSEWHERE.

AND A WOMAN WHO WANTED TO DO A LITTLE BIT OF GOOD

MAY FIND HERSELF PLAYING A MUCH BIGGER ROLE

THAN SHE INTENDED.

I WAS SEARCHING AND SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT SPOT,

AND THEN I FOUND IT--

CHAPMAN WOODS.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HERE BEFORE?

ONCE.

WELL, THEY'RE FINALLY GONNA BREAK GROUND ON TUESDAY,

AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOU.

(chuckles) GLAD I COULD HELP.