All language subtitles for Cunk on Britain s01e04 Twentieth Century Shocks.eng

Today, Britain stands at a fork
in its crossroads.

And its people are asking questions.

Now we've got our country back,
what actually is it?

Who are we? And why?

The best way to find out
where Britain's heading

is to look behind us
into something called history.

A sort of "rear view mirror"
for time.

So that's where I'm going.

Back there.

It's a journey that'll take me
the length

and width of the country,
from the White Cliffs of Dovver

to the Scottish high lands
of the Scottish Highlands.

From old stone circles
to modern stone circles.

From the tranquil beauty
of Roman Bath to the

Golden Wonder of Oxford Services.

I'll discover how we went
from Ancient Man to Ed Sheer-han,

why Elizabeth the First happened,

and solving the mystery of just who
Winston Churchill was,

and why he wound up helplessly
trapped inside this banknote.

Along the way, I'll be
shouting at helicopters

and looking at some of the biggest
events in British history,

and asking people about them.

In War II, why did the British
build bombers to attack their own territory?

How do you mean?

Well, the Lancaster Bombers.

And, also, walking somewhere
impressive with my mouth shut

while my voice speaks anyway like
I'm talking aloud in my own head.

All of it taking place in this
sceptered isle we call home.

So join me, Philomena Cunk,
as I take you right up

the history of the United Britain
of Great Kingdom.

This is Cunk On Britain.

This programme contains
some strong language

In the last episode,
we saw how Britain

was invaded by the Victorians,

who fought and won
the Industrial Revolution,

but not without losing their leader,
Queen Victoria,

who stopped happening
just as the 20th century began.

Now, as well as a new century,

Britain had a new monarch,
King Edward,

who, despite his name,
wasn't a potato, but a man.

Edward's coronation was a grand
affair, celebrated with a song that

was to become Britain's unofficial
theme tune - Land Of 'Ope And Glory.

Land of hope and glory

Mother of the free.

This melodic musical tune
was written by one of the best

British composers
this side of Ed Sheeran - El-Gar.

Who was El-gar?
He sounds sort of rough.

Was he a caveman or something?

No, Elgar was a composer
in the late 19th century.

When someone like Elgar's invented
a new tune, how do they sort

of convert it into orchestra mode
so it's being played by instruments?

He probably, when he composed it
and notated it out and had

the sound in his head, he would
then what's called orchestrate it.

So he'd write out all the parts
for the different instruments

and then he'd hand that over to
an orchestra and they would play it.

How do the instruments know
what to play, though?

Because it was all written out
for them. Their little part was written out for them

and all the little parts
join together.

So the instruments have
people attached to them? They do.

So what's Land Of Hope And Glory
all about? What's its core message?

Well, it's a patriotic song.

People think it's about bashing
the drum for Britain, really.

If you sang it in, like, Portuguese,
would it still feel British

or would that just fucking ruin it?

Well, it wouldn't have any meaning,
but you might get that it

sounded like it was supposed to stir
you up without knowing why...

Mm. ..or what it was about.

So, it's sort of like Three Lions,
isn't it,

by The Lightning Seeds with
Frank Skinner and David Baddiel?

It is. But less catchy.

Sadly, no amount of patriotic music
could save the new monarch

from an early death, and in 1910
King Edward died, and was buried

beneath the soil, to rule over his
fellow potatoes for all eternity.

Little did he know it at the time,
but he'd narrowly avoided tragedy

by dying, because
just a few years later in 1914,

Britain suffered the first
of many 20th century shocks.

Nowadays, "first world" is something
you put in front of the word problem

to show that it isn't really that
bad, like running out of couscous

or not being able to check Twitter
in a tunnel.

But back then, "first world"
was what they called the war.

The First World War
had loads of nicknames -

the war to end all wars, the Great
War, and, of course, World War I.

Why did they call World War I
"World War I"?

It's quite pessimistic numbering,
isn't it?

Or did they just know it was
the start of a franchise?

At the time they weren't
numbering the wars,

although I think that in the
First World War the idea of it

being a Great War denoting the sheer
scale of the conflict the, urm,

the casualty rate was already
becoming used quite a lot.

So it was called the Great War,
but not because it was great.

The First World War was
started by the killing of one man.

Franz Ferdinand.

You've probably never heard of him.

Or the band named after him.

But he was dead important.

By which I mean he was only
important when he was dead.

His assassination triggered
a series of other killings.

Soon it caught on,
and everyone wanted to be killed.

It was a bigger craze than
fidget spinners.

Eventually, Britain got sucked
into the fighting and men queued up

to have their flat caps converted
into fighting men's helmets.

Soon, hundreds of thousands
of Tommies were heading for battle.

Why were all the British soldiers
in World War I called Tommy?

Was that just a coincidence?

No, it wasn't a coincidence, it's
just a general name that became

applied to British soldiers
in the same way

we talk of Fritz as being
a generic name for German soldiers.

What happened in Norman's Land?

Were only people that were called
Norman allowed in there?

Well, it's not Norman's Land,
this is No Man's Land,

and the idea being that this is
particularly dangerous territory

between the lines of the Germans
on one side and the British on the other.

This is essentially
just a killing zone,

a very dangerous zone
in between trench systems.

Why did they fire shells
at each other?

Cos shells wouldn't really hurt,
would they?

Unless they were those
razor clam shells.

Cos they're quite sharp,
aren't they?

Well, these weren't seashells, these
were heavy pieces of ordinance.

We're actually talking about bits
of metal in brass casing

so that's where the name
shells comes from.

Oh, right.

Looking at footage from the time,
it's hard to get a grip on just

how brutal it must've been for Tommy
and Norman, because it's in black

and white and everyone's moving too
fast, probably to avoid the shells.

Even though it looks
a bit like Charlie Chaplin,

it's actually not funny at all,
so you can't laugh.

Just like with Charlie Chaplin.

One man who vividly captured
the sheer horror of War One

was the poet Wilfred Owen.

If in some smothering dreams
you too could pace

Behind the wagon
that we flung him in

And watch the white eyes writhing
in his face

His hanging face,
like a devil's sick of sin;

If you could hear,
at every jolt, the blood

Come gargling from the
froth-corrupted lungs,

Obscene as cancer,
bitter as the cud

Of vile, incurable sores
on innocent tongues...

You get the gist.

..My friend...

As if the killing wasn't bad enough,

the accommodation was scarcely worth
two stars on TripAdvisor.

Soldiers had to live in trenches -
snaking,

cramped corridors of filth and
squalor, without so much as a patio.

The World War I trenches
weren't the right place for conventional warfare, were they?

But why did neither side
think about mud wrestling?

Because they're the perfect
conditions, aren't they?

Well, I mean, trench warfare
wasn't new.

I think that whilst you will get
the occasional game of

Christmas football, I don't think
that anyone actually ever thought

that letting the guns fall silent
and having mud wrestling competitions

was ever going to sort anything out.

I think they missed a trick,
don't you?

Eventually, the war ended at
11 o'clock on the 11th hour

of the 11th day of the 11th month
in the year

11 19 11 18.

Hence the term,
"stopping for elevenses".

The soldiers came home to a Britain
they could hardly recognise,

because it was wearing a skirt.

While the Tommies had been
away at the front,

women had stepped
into their old jobs.

There were women milkmen.

Women postmen.

Women bus driver men.

Even women male prostitutes.

What's more, the economy
was in a pickle.

After the war, many industries
found it almost impossible

to sell their goods abroad,
because abroad was mainly rubble.

There were strikes and marches
and a great depression.

Things were shithouse bad.

People needed escapism.

But luckily for them,
the age of mass entertainment was just beginning.

It was the Roaring Twenties.

City streets were full of jazz
clubs, packed with

Jeeveses and Woosters, and women
with Lego haircuts dancing like

they were surprised while shitting
their pants at a fancy dress party.

And people who couldn't afford
to enjoy a roaring twenties

for themselves could still watch
films of other people doing it, at the newly-invented cinema.

The cinema was a cross
between YouTube and theatre.

Despite this, it was popular,
and people queued to get in.

They showed Charlie Chaplin films,

but even that couldn't keep them
away.

The whole country went films
bonkers.

Going to the cinema in those days
was more like going to a book.

Because there was no sound,
the story was

explained by words on the screen -
a bit like spoilers, but happening

at the same time as you were
watching it, so not as annoying.

And if you couldn't make it
to a cinema or cocktail bar,

you could still enjoy the jazz age,
because scientists had worked out

a way to force jazz into your house,
using a magic called radio.

Radio was an exciting new invention
that made it possible to hear

other people's voices
in your living room,

without the use of thin walls
or a devastating mental condition.

To help keep the early airwaves
in check, the Government created

something called the British
Broadcasting Corporation - the BBC.

How come the BBC started with radio,

because radio's loads less popular
than television, isn't it?

There are people in radio who would
get very angry about that.

It's... I mean, radio still
performs tremendously well...

There's still radio?

There is still radio.

At the time the BBC was set up,
there wasn't a choice

because there was no TV.

Luckily, a man called John Logie
Baird was about to give birth

to television -
not literally out of his vagina,

but metaphorically, out of his shed.

After doing some weird experiments
like something out of Wallace and Gromit, Baird's TV was finalised,

although idiotically, he'd
gone to the trouble of inventing it

without checking whether there were
any programmes on yet.

It took a while before there was
anything worth

putting your iPhone down for.

The earliest transmissions
looked like Abraham Lincoln

looming through a glass door,
and weren't very exciting.

Luckily, it was a short step from
there to the BBC's first

Saturday night extravaganzia,
TV's opening night ceremony.

Vision and sound are on.

The station goes on the air.

SHE SINGS

The show got a record audience
of 400 -

the sort of viewing
figures BBC Four still dreams of.

Despite its popularity, the BBC
was causing controversy

from the start, and the powers
that be were suspicious of it.

Why did the Government
start the BBC in the first place?

It seems like these days they're
always trying to close it down.

Was it one of those stupid mistakes
they made, like Brexit?

The Government
didn't strictly start the BBC.

The BBC was originally
a private company in 1922.

It employed a rather fierce
Scottish guy called John Reith.

People still talk about Reithian
values and Reithian broadcasting.

Reithian values were to inform,
educate and entertain.

What, all at the same time?

Yeah.

Since those early days of black
and white tat,

the BBC has grown
throughout the years to become

one of biggest programme-shitting
machines in the world,

making ground-breaking,
iconic programmes which still try to

inform, educate or entertain.

So the BBC's supposed to inform,
educate or entertain.

AND entertain.

I'm going to list some BBC things
and I want you to say

whether they inform, educate
or entertain.

OK. News At Ten?

Inform.

Open University?

Educate.

Doctor Who?

Entertain.

Strictly Come Dancing?

Entertain.

Homes Under the Hammer?

Entertain.

Inspector Phillips?

What is Inspector Phillips?

Ah, I made that one up.

That was just a trick question.

OK, well, I've... It didn't work.

Sounds real, though, doesn't it -
Inspector Phillips?

No, I instantly
knew that it wasn't a real one. Oh!

Eat Well For Less?

It's where Gregg Wallace

and another man see how much
a family spend on a week's shopping

and then criticise them and make
them eat porridge from Lidl.

Inform.

Well done.

Sorry, I wasn't totting up
the scores. Thank you.

But this golden future of television
would have to wait.

Because back in 1939 times, the TV
signals were suddenly switched off,

because someone decided to start
another war to end all wars.

When he became leader of Germany,
Adolf Hitler was

a funny-looking character with silly
hair, a bit like Boris Johnson.

But he turned out to be a hateful
maniac who would let nothing

get in the way of his ambition,
a bit like Boris Johnson.

Hitler believed the Germans were
an elite race, like the Grand Prix.

He also thought he owned Poland,

and when he went round there to get
it back, Britain cried war.

This country is at war with Germany.

Luckily, Britain had
a hero on its side,

a man whose name will never
be forgotten.

Win-ton Churchill.

Churchill's speeches were stirring
and powerfully erotic.

We know it will be hard.

We expect it will be long...

He was one of the greatest orators
of all time, and some of

the phrases he used still resonate
today - such as "finest hour",

"never surrender", and, of course,
"we shall fight them bitches."

And we needed Churchill's
stirring mumbling,

because, at first, the war
didn't go well.

Within six months,
France was occupied by the Nazis,

who they didn't see coming, because
they'd been expecting the Germans.

Hitler wanted to make Britain
German, to match its royal family.

But the RAF held Hitler's forces
back,

in amazing dogfights in the sky -
that were done by aeroplanes,

not actual flying dogs,

which, sadly, science
still hasn't invented yet.

This was the Battle of Britain.

It seems amazing that these young
men could fly and fight so well.

Although when you look, you'll see
the planes had tiny targets

and crosses drawn on the side,
which made them easier to hit.

But planes weren't only
used in dogfights.

The Germans changed tactics.

Instead of attacking planes,
which could move out the way,

they attacked the ground,
which couldn't, in something called the Blitz.

Preceded by a shower of flares,
German bombers rained fire

and high explosive bombs in their
most savage attack on London...

Hitler's pilots started dropping
bombs - sort of aeroplane poos -

and people had to hide from them.

They built big tin shelters in their
gardens or ran down the nearest

tube station without a ticket
or a valid Oyster card.

Countless houses were reduced to
big piles of bricks and wood,

which is sort of what houses are,
anyway, but in a different order.

Despite this,
thanks to the plucky British spirit,

people weren't totally down in the
dumps, even if they lived in one.

People sang songs during World War
II to keep their spirits up,

didn't they? How loud did they have
to sing to be heard over the bombs?

Well, especially as they would have
sometimes been in underground

stations sheltering from the bombs,
it would have been loud in the

underground station - the singing -
if everybody was singing together,

but it's true you wouldn't
have been...heard much.

I wonder if, when they sang,
they used to time their singing with the explosions?

That would be a fun thing to do.

Difficult.

Very difficult to time it.

Quite random, the falling of bombs.

In the war, there were
loads of songs taking the piss

out of Hitler, weren't there?

How come they don't sing
those sorts of songs any more?

Well, he's not around any more,
so it's not so amusing.

Where is he?

Well, he's dead.

He's dead? Yes.

Oh, right, so it would
be disrespectful to speak ill...

Well, not so much disrespectful
as pointless, really.

Pointless.

Bit pointless. Yeah.

A lot of singing was needed
because even when the Blitz ended,

the war was far from over.

There were many huge battles
to come, most of which will never be forgotten,

because they've since been
converted into blockbuster movies.

How was it we beat
the Germans at Dunkirk in War II

but still didn't win the whole war?

Well, first of all, I think
we've got to stop calling it War II,

I mean, it's the Second World War.

If you're American, and you have to
have it this way, it's World War II.

But you know, that's the language
we tend to use.

But in terms of Dunkirk, I think
that's the wrong way round.

We actually lose at Dunkirk.

We lost at Dunkirk?

We lost at Dunkirk, I mean...

I don't think so.

It turns out Dunkirk
was a huge disaster.

Like most sequels, War II
was proving less fun than War I.

What made the war harder

was that we didn't know
what the Germans were planning,

because they said it in a sort of
code language known as German.

It took a team of British boffins
using a magic typewriter

called the Enigma machine
literally loads of time to crack it.

But crack it they did.

And with Germany's secrets twatted
wide open, Britain and its allies

were able to organise D-Day and
invade France, but in a nice way.

In gruelling and exciting scenes
like these, expertly depicted

in the pulse-quickening video game
Call of Duty 2, soldiers scrambled

out of their boats, looking
for power-ups and health kits,

terrified every second that a Nazi
bullet might kill them, forcing them

to respawn several feet away, and be
delayed by a number of seconds.

Eventually, the British won -
and immediately there was

widespread jubilation and people
dancing about in black and white

and getting off with people
who are almost certainly dead now.

A new, hopeful era had dawned,
an era which 41 years later

included the BBC painting
and decorating sitcom Brush Strokes.

Because of you

These things I do

Because of you

Because of you, ooohhh.

After the war, returning soldiers
rewarded national hero

Winton Churchill by voting him
out of office.

And the Britain that Britain
came home to was a smaller Britain

than the Britain Britain had left.

The Empire was crumbling.

Places like India decided
they weren't British after all.

Which was sad because those
countries had lots in common with us.

They had the same person
on the stamps.

They spoke the same language.

They were the same colour on maps.

But despite all that, they chose
to act as if they weren't

part of Britain, just because that
was geographically true.

What's more, around the world,
superpowers like Russia

and China were on the rise.

The future looked more uncertain
than ever, and in 1948,

one man wrote a book full of
chilling predictions about just how terrible that future might be.

This is the book -
George Orwell's chilling classic

One Nine Eight Four.

In the book, using nothing
but words,

Orwell depicts a world in which
people are manipulated

by screens manipulated by the media
manipulated by the government -

something which thankfully didn't,
and couldn't, happen.

Although One Nine Eight Four
is set in the year 1984,

it's not a 1984 anyone who lived
through it would recognise.

Orwell didn't predict Band Aid
or Ghostbusters.

Or Radio One's Mike Read banning
Frankie Goes to Hollywood for singing about spunk.

In fact, almost the only thing
he got right was that there'd be

a thing on the screens
called Big Brother.

And even then, he didn't predict
it would eventually be on Channel 5.

Orwell's scary vision
spooked Britain so much,

it tried to avoid a nightmare future
by reinventing itself,

and the Government was going
to help.

The post-war Labour Government was
one of the most radical ever -

kind of a cross between
Jeremy Corbyn and the Taliban.

A landslide swept Labour to power

with a majority unexpected
even by its own leaders.

They were seen as the biggest
archy-tects of something

called the welfare state.

Where is the welfare state?

Where is it?

Yeah. Well, it's sort of all
around us.

Er... Yeah, but where
specifically in Britain?

The welfare state is a phrase

that refers to, broadly, the help

that government gives to all of us.

Er, the Welfare State helps
people from the cradle to the grave.

Hm.

So is it just for people lying down?

It certainly helps people
lying down, er...

They help to, you know, they give
out bits and bobs, don't they?

Yes, they-they, for poorer people
they, you know,

they provide a lot of help.

Schools and housing and...

And benefit payments...

Benefit payments.

..top-ups to your wages.

And how do they decide
what not to give for free?

Like was there ever a plan
to give out free crisps?

I don't think they've ever given out
or thought about giving out free crisps.

Although I quite like crisps...

I love crisps.

..I don't think many people would
argue that you can't have a decent life without free crisps.

I think I'd kill myself
if I couldn't have crisps.

As part of its reforms,
the Government introduced

the National Health Service,
or NHS for less long.

On July 5th, the new National
Health Service starts, providing

hospital and specialist services,
medicines, drugs and appliances.

Once the NHS arrived,
if you were poor and you got sick,

you weren't on your own any more.

You were in a crowded waiting room
full of other sick people.

Suddenly, you could see
a doctor free of charge,

like you can every Saturday evening
on BBC One.

But staffing all those hospitals
wasn't going to be easy,

so Britain looked abroad for help.

In 1948, the Government granted
British citizenship

to everyone living in Commonwealth
countries.

A sort of reverse Brexit, or Tixerb.

And a few months later, 492 migrants

made the journey from the Caribbean
to Britain,

on board the Empire Windrush, which
was a sort of sea-car, or boat.

The newcomers soon discovered
life in Britain was very different to Jamaica -

it was colder, wetter, we
had potatoes instead of posh fruits.

But they soon settled into a British
way of life - not smiling

and being permanently tired.

Britain was becoming multicultural,
although not everyone was happy.

Not even racists, who at long last
had someone new to hate apart from

Jews, Italians, Spaniards, women,
the Irish, the French and the poor.

Because far-right Facebook groups
hadn't been invented yet,

the only way racists could
express their fury was to take part

in race riots, which are sort of
artisan pop-up festivals of hatred.

Today, racist bigotry has no place
in contemporary Britain, except Kent.

Britain was welcoming a new era.

And it was about to get
something mega-new.

A new monarch.

The Royal Family had experienced
a rough few decades.

Before the war,
King Edward had abdicated,

so he could spend
more time in his mistress.

His brother George also vacated
the throne unexpectedly early,

to spend more time in his coffin.

This meant his eldest daughter,
Elizabeth, was to be the new,

female king at the age of just 25.

Now the Princess Elizabeth we knew
and loved returns amongst us as our queen.

For centuries, the coronation
of a monarch was a sacred event

that took place behind closed doors
- just like a visit to the toilet,

but more dignified than that makes
it sound.

But, now, thanks to progress,

everyone was allowed to
peep behind those closed doors.

In 1953, millions of Britons
watched the Queen

being coronationed on their new
televisions.

It must've been like watching
The Crown on Netflix, but live,

and actually happening,
like Britain's Got Talent,

but more serious, like Game Of
Thrones, but set in the real world,

and starring Queen Elizabeth,
like The Crown again.

Afterwards, incredibly,
people didn't take the TVs back

when they found there weren't any
more coronations on.

They kept them in their front rooms
and never went out again.

As well as a new queen, the nation
had got itself a new prime minister.

Britain was changing so fast
that the only way to tell

what country it was was to keep
getting everyone to wave flags.

The national mood was shifting.

It's the 1950s, a time
of great change.

The war's over,
the NHS has been founded,

the Coronation's on TV, Mario 64's
redefined the platform game

for a new generation and
Anthony Eden's Prime Minister.

How did Britain feel
about these things?

Well, I don't think computer games
had been invented by the 1950s.

Um, the other things,

I mean, the population was pretty
positive about the Coronation.

That was a cause for excitement.

Anthony Eden, perhaps less
successful, with the Suez Crisis.

What was up with the sewers?

Did someone try to flush
something that was awful?

No, the Suez Canal.

What, the canals used to be sewers?
That's disgusting.

No, no, Suez. It's a place.

Oh, right.

During this "Suez Crisis",
events in Suez reached crisis point.

More research needed -

make sure script amended
before voiceover record.

And it wasn't just grown men
who were causing trouble.

A new form of human being,
called the teenager, was evolving.

Teenagers were creatures
that looked like adults,

yet had the minds of children, like
professional footballers do today.

And the young generation as a whole
was about to deliver Britain

a series of shocks that would shock
it right up the shockbox.

On the next and final episode
of Cunk On Britain,

I'll see how the groovy young people
of the 1960s encouraged Britain

to tune over, turn off and drop up.

And Britain experienced a golden age
that sadly couldn't last.

In the 1960s, if you
switch your television on, you'd get

Morecambe and Wise, Cilla Black,
Bob Monkhouse, David Frost.

But nowadays,
they're all dead - why is that?

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