Original subtitles

So Friday's picnic for our military families.

That's just a quick bite, and we're out, right?

- Yes. - Think so.

Yeah.

Great, and then we'll-- I don't know--

we'll lead the veterans down to the Detroit River,

and we'll just push them under. Sound like a plan?

Mm-hmm.

So you're pro drowning

America's heroes and their families?

That's a bold take.

Sorry, they're taking PR photos of the Pika

in the weather testing chamber.

No one's responding to my text because the service

- sucks down there. - Oh, yeah.

Well, all hands on deck, then, huh?

Yeah, maybe I should climb up there myself

and manually boost the signal.

[both laugh]

Just gonna give 'em notes in person.

[computer chimes]

Dory, can we do something

about that incessant ding sound?

Every time some HR drone sends me a happy hump day meme,

I get a bell in the face.

- So annoying. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm on it.

I'll get something more soothing

- like a like a whale song. - What is this?

"Payne Motors has been hacked

"$20 million in Bitcoin by end of day

or contents being released."

Is there a hacking meme going around?

* Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[chorus vocalizing]

I'm Bill. This is Eric.

We're with cybersecurity here at Payne.

Early this morning, our corporate servers

were indeed accessed by a team of hackers.

Luckily, the firewalls did their job and booted them out.

They only got a small amount of data.

Data? Like our--like our emails?

Um, hi.

I do this funny thing where I write

playful sarcastic emails about how awful my coworkers are.

And, again, tongue is firmly planted in cheek,

but out of context, it might seem hurtful.

Usually these teams target customer data.

- Ohh. - Oh, phew.

Financial info, credit card numbers, that kinda thing.

Yeah, and certainly, obviously, we don't want

- to lose any of that. - I mean, I would prefer

- that it was our data. - Oh, for sure.

- Given a choice. - I wish.

So we're gonna have to shut down

the network to do an audit, so internet,

key cards, office computers

will all be offline.

It's a paper and pen day.

Right, well, thank you guys so much.

We really do appreciate it, your expertise and knowledge.

- Thanks, everyone. - Hey, we believe in you!

[both chuckling]

- Do we believe in them? - No, God.

They don't look right to me.

Too clean cut. They need to be more punky.

- Yeah. - Um, nah,

I think that's, like, a movie thing.

Yeah, but the movie people have done their research.

I mean, it's based on real life.

- Right. - Exactly, we need

a young chick whose name is, like, Destiny,

and she's got, like, a spiked collar

and a bunch of, you know, gross face piercings,

messed up childhood,

so sexually, she's all over the map.

Look, even if the dweebs are right

and the hackers didn't get anything, you know,

I don't wanna risk it. Let's just pay the ransom.

I love that idea. I think that's really great.

it sends a really strong message,

you know, and that message is, you know,

here's the money, just leave us alone.

- Right. - But isn't paying the hackers

just like rewarding the criminals?

We're the victims here.

However we choose to process our own trauma

is inherently right.

Yeah, because if we don't get to decide our own fate,

then that's like victimizing us twice.

- Exactly. - Right.

We don't even really know if they're criminals.

They could just be a couple of regular Joes

who are saving up money for a lifesaving

heart transplant for their mum, you know?

[all agreeing]

Y'all know that I was just kidding about writing

the mean emails, right?

'Cause nobody laughed, so I--

I didn't know if y'all got it.

Huh. Yeah.

These are-- are there any camera tricks

to make it look less like the weather is winning?

- I could airbrush it. - Yeah.

Don't be shy with that. Good idea. Thanks, guys.

- Hey. - Hey, what's up.

I was trying to text you, but there is

- no service down here. - No.

- Our computers got hacked. - We got hacked?

- Mm-hmm. - Like by professional hackers?

I'm not sure if they're professionals

our just, like, really good amateurs,

but I figured you'd want to know.

Yeah, we gotta get back up there.

Yeah, yeah.

What is-- Why isn't this working?

Right. Uh, the IT guys said the key cards

would be offline for a while.

Hello?

I don't know why hackers always want Bitcoin.

If it were me, I would demand cash.

And you'd be a fool because Bitcoin

is far superior to fiat cash.

What the hell is fiat cash?

It's, uh-- it's cash,

but this is better because it's decentralized.

Oh, "de"-centralized? Wow, yeah.

Because I always hated how centralized my money was.

You know what? Look. Let me show you something.

Don't love where this is going.

[unzips pants] So hold on.

So right in this tiny, hard wallet,

I have most of my net worth converted to crypto.

If the entire financial system crashes,

Wesley's still got his money, honey.

Now what if someone steals that wallet?

- Mm. - OK. Well there's

a passphrase, and if they enter the phrase incorrectly

ten times, it locks out forever.

And if I ever want my money, I just have to type in,

"milk was a bad choice."

[buzzer blares]

Uh, I forgot it was all caps.

"Milk was a bad choice."

[buzzer blares]

Now when you say it locks forever after ten tries,

- how would you unlock it? - Well, I mean, you can't.

It would just all get erased.

Because it's decentralized, that's what makes it so great.

Shh, OK, It's fine. I know it.

And I have eight more tries, so just relax, guys.

- I wasn't tripping. - I said relax, guys!

Knock, knock.

Either knock or say "knock knock."

Yes. Good point as ever.

Your mentorship is greatly appreciated.

I just wanted to talk to you about the hacker ransom.

So, ugh, so annoying. Turns out we can't pay it.

What? Why not?

Well, it's kind of interesting story.

- You can stand. - Yeah, OK.

The thing is Payne, as a Fortune 500 company,

like many others, has a pretty rigid

internal policy about not paying out ransoms

in cases of digital malfeasance.

- Why would we do that? - It's a deterrent, you see.

If they think that we can't pay,

you know, then they're not gonna bother to hack us.

- But they did hack us. - Yeah, they did.

- So the deterrent didn't work. - No, no.

Not this time for sure, yeah.

Bit of a hole in the logic there I suppose.

Great, so now we're stuck trusting

those two bowls of human oatmeal

- to handle the hack for us. - Yeah, well, you know.

- I mean, hopefully. - Don't sit.

No. No, I'm not.

Hello?

Hey, maybe we can just pick the lock?

[jiggles handle] You know how to pick a lock?

I'll google it. I won't--I have no service.

Right. Just call somebody.

No service.

- Yeah. - What are you doing?

Well, one of them must open the door.

- It's a big door. - Oh.

[buzzer blares] OK. Stop, stop!

- I'm trying to turn it off. - Please stop!

- Open this door! - Please stop!

[both yelling indistinctly]

Oh, God!

♪ ♪

Hey, team. Just checking in.

We still feeling confident about everything or--

We're still running diagnostics,

but we can confirm that the network is completely

locked off from the hackers.

And our firewall did an even better job.

They weren't able to access any customer data whatsoever.

Really? Wow!

[laughs] Oh, gosh. Man, you guys are impressive.

I guess looks can be deceiving, huh?

- [laughs] - What way do you mean?

Anyway, they got nothing?

Well, they actually pulled about

- ten gigs of internal data. - Internal? Huh, ten gigs?

That is-- how much is?

"Encanto" is about two gigs if you pirate it,

more if you want ultra high-def.

Well, you gotta watch it in high-def.

- You do. - So they got, what,

a few high def "Encantos" of our stuff?

It's actually just your server,

so your emails, instant messages, memos,

all your internal communications.

Oh, so just-- so just my personal data.

- Yeah. - Oh.

- But the customers are safe. - Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly.

And that is what is important.

God, what a relief. [laughs]

What an absolute relief.

I mean, eventually they'll realize

we've been gone too long, and they'll come

- check on us, right? - I hope.

They seem pretty distracted by the IT guys

and how they didn't have enough piercings.

Yeah, that does sound like us.

I shouldn't have pressed that button.

Playtime is over. I am being decisive.

We gotta pay that ransom.

- Just, you know, we can't. - Why?

Because of the company policy? I'm the CEO.

I am the company. So guess what?

- Poof. No more policy. - Yes, right.

It's just, with all due respect to the power of poof,

without the shield of a corporate mandate,

you know, I'm the one that's on the hook

for having authorized the payments.

Right. So, great. You can do it.

Technically I can, but I...won't.

What?

Well, what you're really asking me to do

is put my name to a series of payments

to people who, for all we know, might be terrorists.

We don't know. You know,

I could be breaking any number of laws.

They have all my emails.

Do you realize how bad that would be if they got out?

I'd be humiliated.

With all due respect to that, and I don't want you to be

humiliated at all, but equally on the other side of the coin,

I don't want to go to jail.

So you have to admit that it is kind of a close call.

Are you really saying no to me right now?

- Is that what's happening here? - No.

Apart from that one. It doesn't count.

Look, what I'm trying to say is--

Because to be honest, the fact that you

aren't brownnosing me right now,

- it's very, very disorienting. - I know. I know.

It's weird for me, too.

Retrace your steps mentally.

Where were you when you changed it?

- What were you doing? Who-- - Oh, oh,

Fedora. I was wearing a fedora.

- There you go. A fedora? - Ew.

It's the exact same one Bruno Mars wears.

First things first, you need to get rid of that damn hat.

Wait, wait, wait. Bruno Mars.

Bruno. Sacha Baron Cohen.

Oh, my God. I think I remember it.

I like to make sexy time.

- Oh. - Nice.

[buzzer blares] Ah.

Oh, uh, my wife likes to make sexy time.

No, It's not "my wife likes to make sexy time."

Have you even seen the movie?

- OK, Is it a person? - Yep.

Definitely not an animal. Wait, that's doesn't count.

- That doesn't count. - Yes, it does.

So if you go into the negative on "Jeopardy!",

do you have to pay them?

If you're worried, I just wouldn't go on the show.

So is it bigger than a dog?

Yes, obviously. It's a person.

Sorry, I just thought like, you know,

what about like a-- like a big dog?

You can't give an invisibility cloak

to boy that age.

They're gonna use it for sex stuff.

- You would have? - Yeah.

Of course, I would have. Everybody boy would have.

And Harry did, too. It was just offscreen.

If you wanted to know if it's a big dog,

say is it a big dog?

I'm thinking of the next question, Sadie.

I already said it's a person.

- So kill Elliot. - What about Wesley?

Uhh.

I'm gonna marry him just for the money.

OK.

Never having sex with him ever.

And I just don't understand

how a little girl is allowed to have

a dog the size of a house.

And if you read those books, like, really read them,

you realize that Clifford is constantly killing people.

Like, his tail is swatting the mailman

300 feet through the air.

Got it. Is it Katherine?

- Yes. - Yes.

Finally.

- Ah, that is so pathetic. - Yeah, a little bit.

[laughter]

Oh, it's stopping. It stopped.

- Maybe it's on a timer. - Thank God.

I've been dying to stretch my legs.

- Ohh. - Ooh. Phew.

[buzzer blares] [fan whooshing]

- Whoa! - Oh! Oh, my God!

- OK, get back, get back. - Oh, oh.

Get back, get back.

Whew, I guess it's a whole cycle.

So you think you can just talk the hackers

out of releasing your emails?

Well, I would prefer to pay them,

but I guess I'll just have to charm them instead.

Trust me, I can schmooze anyone.

- OK, we're on. - Oh. Hey, there! Hi!

Katherine Hastings, CEO Payne Motors.

- And who do we have here? - No names.

[laughs] Anonymous. Very cool.

I like it, yeah. May I call you hacker?

Is that-- Is hacker an offensive term?

It's probably a badge of honor.

And how would you know that?

It's fine.

- See? - We have our demands.

Deliver the Bitcoin, or we leak the data.

Yes, well, I want to pay you,

but we have encountered a slight hiccup

on the legal side.

I don't know what it's like in your office,

but maybe you have one of those guys

who's like a real by the books kind of stick in the mud.

You know, really not a team player,

- kinda grates on everyone. - Ivan.

Yes. [laughs]

Ugh, exactly, exactly.

I think we're both just gonna have to work around

our respective Ivans here.

This is a waste of time, all right?

These guys are criminals or possibly terrorists.

Come on, Elliot.

I mean, you guys aren't terrorists, right?

We're freedom fighters.

I'm not sure what to do with that one.

You must pay Bitcoin by end of day

or we will send this to everyone.

- [gasps] - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Everyone, look away!

Why does this exist?

Richard and I were sexting. Nobody's supposed to see these.

- Katherine. - Is that Elliot in the back?

I am mid-presentation.

I knew you weren't paying attention.

All right. Nobody look, nobody look!

It's looking right at me.

This is our therapist's fault.

Richard and I were falling apart,

and her only advice is, "keep it spicy."

Your therapist advised full spread?

That is not professional. You should sue.

God, how could this be happening to me?

Well, we could probably trace it back to when

you took your undies off at work.

- [sighs] - Hey, did you connect

your phone to your work account?

Because then they would have access

to all of your text messages.

Oh, my God. That can happen?

[sighs] That means they have all the photos.

All the photos?

You mean there's more than what we saw?

That was one of the classier ones.

I'm stressed. Let me hit it.

I gotta go call Richard.

Waffles69. Waffles exclamation point.

OK.

You are not gonna believe what you just missed.

Katherine sent a nude to her husband

and the hackers got hold of it.

- Oh, cool. - No, no, no.

They sent it to us. You can see everything.

- [sighs] Oh, my-- - I feel like

you should be a lot more excited about this.

I'm trying to remember all the passwords

I've ever used for any account.

Maybe I use one of them for the Bitcoin.

What's "don't go Jason Waterfalls"?

- Uh, the TLC song? - That's not the line.

I thought it was the line when I made the password,

or maybe I didn't.

I don't know, man. I'm freaking out.

I probably could get you a copy of the photo.

That'd be fun, right?

Naked pictures of women. Wes, now I'm getting concerned.

[fan whooshing]

- Can you actually-- - Yep, that's annoying.

- Sorry. - Mm-hmm.

Are you sure they have all the pictures?

- Yes. - No!

- Yes. - What about the kitchen one?

All of them, Richard!

I would never use condiments that way.

I'll fix it. I always fix everything.

- You see what you did? - I am not enjoying this, OK?

I hate it, all right?

I can feel my hives coming back.

I don't get it.

You're usually such a spineless, weak yes-man.

Yeah, I know, OK?

And that's why every fiber of my being

is screaming at me to authorize the payments.

I am desperate to obey her, but I can't.

Well, just do it.

Pretend she's the queen or something.

She's not the only victim in this, all right? OK?

Yes, her genitals are out in the public sphere,

but so is my face right next to her genitals.

What are people going to think?

They're gonna be thinking about her genitals.

[both tapping rhythmically]

- Take it home! - I see you.

[laughs]

That was quite good.

I think so.

That was the coolest I've ever felt.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, it's snowing.

That is actually really pretty.

Oh, it's kinda--it's coming down pretty hard, though.

- Yeah. - It's really cold.

- Fast, too. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Hypnosis is just about getting you

into a meditative state so that you can access memories.

Now close your eyes and take in

a nice, deep breath.

Shouldn't you have, like, a pocket watch

or, like, a big spiral thing that keeps turning?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you wanted to be hypnotized

"Looney Tunes" style.

I'm telling you this will work.

In therapy, it helped me through a lot of stuff.

OK, maybe my mind's not as weak as yours, though.

- Excuse me? - I'm not suggestible.

God, I'm not one of those idiots

who can be hypnotized into clucking like a chicken

- or whatever. - Mm-hmm, right.

Well, even if I was trying to get you to make

chicken noises, they're super hard to make,

so I doubt you could do it anyway.

Not that hard dude. Cluck.

No, I mean like a real chicken

because chickens don't cluck. They "bock."

OK, fine. "Bock."

No, but they're, like, much louder and higher pitch.

- "Bock." - Yeah, but more repetitive.

[imitating chicken]

Oh, and you don't think anybody

- could ever get you to do that? - No. I don't.

- OK. Show me again. - [imitating chicken]

Knock knock.

Oh, Katherine. Hi, come in.

This is your office, huh? This is the whole--

well, it's nice.

- You've done a nice job with it. - Thanks.

Look, Katherine, I can't do what it is you--

I consider you a friend, I do.

I mean, I know we have fun with your accent,

and all that, you know.

Like, what do you call this?

- Oh, that's a soda. - No, no.

- The material, the can. - Oh.

- The aluminum. - Oh yeah.

- Say aluminum. - Aluminum.

No, not how I would say it.

Say-- um, it's fine.

Look, I'm not going to ask you to do something

you're not comfortable with.

In the end, I respect whatever you decide.

I am just--

I am just asking you as a friend

to please consider doing this for me.

Thank you, and I appreciate that.

And listen, I would love to help--

Holy [bleep]! You are worthless.

You are a worthless grub of a man.

Whoa.

Whew. Ugh.

That cold air just pours right in, doesn't it?

- It's just so poorly made. - Mm-hmm.

I thought that, like, doing this thing

was gonna make you warmer, it's making me colder.

You know, on "Naked and Afraid,"

they always kinda, like, hug each other

- for body heat. - Right.

I wasn't suggesting that we, like--

Ooh, yeah, I am down for, like,

- a safety cuddle, if you are. - You're down?

- Yeah, yeah. - OK, sweet.

- Bring it in. - Yeah.

- Whoa. - Mm-hmm.

[both chuckling]

Yeah. That is nice.

Oh.

I am begging you, Elliot.

This will ruin my life, not just my job.

You think Richard is gonna to stay with me

if I am the reason that a picture of his penis

with a squiggle of mustard gets out on the internet?

Why would you take that picture?

We thought it would be sexy.

I mean, it was stupid. It wasn't.

It was humiliating, OK? It wasn't fun.

It wasn't--did you know that mustard stains?

- Surely not forever. - Did you know that

it stains the skin? I didn't know that.

I swear to God I didn't know that.

Katherine, I'm so sorry, but you aren't the only one

that's suffering here, right?

I am at war internally between my abject fealty to you, and--

You do this. This is your fault.

- Oh, no, don't! - Look at that.

- You look at that right now! - Ow! Please, stop!

That is me as a guidance counselor.

Hey, where do you wanna go to college?

[both moaning]

- Oh, this small in here. - OK, yeah.

- Over your head? - Is this--no--

- [honks horn] - Oh. Is that the horn?

- I think so. - Oh, my God,

this car is such a piece of crap.

Such a piece of crap.

- Come on over. - Yeah.

- [thud] - Ow. I hit my head.

- That didn't work. - OK, OK.

- Can you come here? - OK, how am I supposed to--

- Just come here. - All right, all right.

[upbeat soul music]

- OK. - I am gonna come over.

- Yeah, yeah. This is-- - Ooh, I think the lever

is quite--I think the lever is gonna, yep,

drop like this!

Oh, my God.

[both laugh]

Katherine. This is Calvin.

You've been beating me up all day,

so I thought it might be useful for you

to see this sort of low level drone

you'd be relying on for assistance if I weren't here.

But you said Katherine wanted to congratulate me

- on the Crystali brief? - Yes.

And I apologize for bringing you here

under false pretenses just to humiliate you.

Look, this sort of credulousness is exactly

the sort of character defect

that I'm trying to make you aware of.

I mean, Calvin here is mindless--no offense.

These underlings, they don't have

the character, the integrity,

or the experience that I bring to the table.

What are you getting at?

Well, my voice has value,

and I'm drawing a line in the sand.

So if you won't accept my counsel,

I hope you'll accept my letter of resignation.

- I hope you recognize-- - Oh, great, I accept.

You accept? What do you mean?

Wait, what is this?

It's just a random piece of paper out of my binder.

Where's the letter?

Well, there isn't a letter is there?

It's just supposed to be a bluff

to make you do what I want, which is, like, be nice to me.

Calvin, are you willing to rubber stamp

a ransom payment to a bunch of hackers?

- Are you telling me I have to? - Yes.

- OK. - Well, hang on.

It was just a fake resignation, so let's not get carried away.

OK. Fine. You're fired.

There. Poof.

What? No, don't poof--don't poof me.

This is very serious. Stop.

Calvin, on me.

Let's all--let's all just, you know, rewind.

[grumbles indistinctly]

What's up with this little pork pie hat?

It's a fedora. It's sexy.

He's a little stressed. He's trying to jog his memory.

You'd be stressed, too, if you were

- close to losing $70 million. - $70 million?

- You're that rich? - I'm so stupid.

Why don't I make it something simple and obvious,

like do not forget this pass phrase.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Oh, that's it. That's it.

"Do not forget this pass phrase."

[buzzer blares] [bleep]

- You tried that one earlier. - How many guesses is that?

That's nine, so one left.

You know what?

Forget it.

What are you doing?

I'm choosing not to play.

As long as I don't make any more wrong guesses,

I still have my money.

But you can't access it?

But I still have it.

I have it right here.

What's the point of having money,

Wesley, if you can't spend any?

I said I have it right here.

Looking like an extra from "Goodfellas."

- I told him to get rid of it. - Don't he look stupid?

So that was, uhh, that was cool.

Yeah, yeah, it was cool.

It was--I was gonna say it was cool.

Is that always part of the vehicle testing?

Ooh, yeah. Yep.

Rain, wind, snow, sex stuff. That's pretty standard.

- [both laugh] - Hey.

Hey.

I have some photos for you to look at.

Oh.

Of the car.

How long has she been there?

Jeez, chin up.

[scoffs]

You're obviously not fired.

Oh. What about Calvin?

Calvin just put his name on a payment

to a bunch of terrorists. The guy is radioactive.

Oh.

Look, if I'm being honest, I'm shocked

that you stood up to me, I'm almost impressed.

Oh, well, yeah, I mean,

you know, on my day, I can be pretty forceful.

Yeah. Don't ever do it again.

No, no, God, no. I wouldn't dream of it.

- Good. - Lesson learned.

Oh, hey, Katherine.

What do we got here, some aluminum?

That's crazy. I love that.

Yeah. Great. Great.

Yes! OK.

You're back in the game, E-bomb.

[laughs]

I think we'll be having a stuffed crust tonight,

yeah, and a fizzy drink.

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