Original subtitles

OVULATION TEST

This is for the front door.

It can stick a little...

but I've just oiled the lock.

We'll be ripping everything out, so I guess we'll be changing locks.

So I don't think we'll need these, but thanks anyway.

This is for you.

So, congratulations then!

We'll take care of the house. I promise.

-Good. It's a lovely house. -It will be.

It will be...

-Hi, Elsa. -Can we drop off Lola today instead?

We said tomorrow.

I know, but Rick's playing tonight and I so want to go.

But Jenny and I are looking at a flat and then I have to get to work.

-Are you buying a flat? -Yes, we are.

Er, OK. With what money? You're broke.

-Don't. -And Jenny's not rolling in it...

What's the gig you're off to?

If you can't take care of your daughter I'll find another way.

Elsa, it's not a problem for me to take our daughter, it's just...

When I'm going out it's not easy for you to take her. Just saying.

OK, now I know. I'll sort it out somehow.

I'll take her. It's my pleasure. It's no problem.

Thank you.

What's up?

-Nothing. -Don't say nothing. I can tell.

What is it?

I just think you could've ignored her call. We were planning our future.

She's the mother of my daughter, I have to answer when she calls.

I know she is, but...

she still worms her way in, even when it doesn't concern Lola.

I don't want her at our viewing. I want it to be our moment.

But sweetheart, this is our moment.

In the words of Dag Hammarskjöld:

"We can't choose the frame of our destiny.

But what we put into it is ours."

Then I'll quote Tupac:

"Just because you live in the ghetto doesn't mean you can't grow."

From one dead poet to another, eh?

That flat will be ours, is what I'm thinking.

-OK. -I love you.

Love you. Ride carefully!

RICK PURPLE DEEP

-This feels so strange. -What does?

Having sex like this. It's...

fucking messed up.

Yeah. It's totally, totally messed up.

-Stop it. -Stop what?

Stop agreeing with me.

But you're right.

A year of scheduled sex.

A year of sex. That's good.

OK. I'm off to work.

-To deliver even more children. -Hurry back.

I'll still be lying here, horny and ready.

Stop it.

Hey. Listen.

Hey, come here.

I don't have time. I'm late for work.

You have to see the fun side of this.

The fun side? I'm sorry but I can't quite do that.

I don't think it's that much fun

to come home at lunchtime and have timed sex.

There are lots of people who'd pay to have sex with me at lunchtime.

Huge sums.

-I can imagine. -Well it's true.

We'll take it as it comes.

-That's easy for you to say. -Because...?

You're not the one who has to piss on sticks to see when you're fertile.

You don't have to go round with that lump in your stomach the whole time.

-How do you know I don't? -Because you're a man.

You men don't get anxious.

-And you don't have ageing eggs... -In the fridge.

Don't.

I want this too, you know. I want babies with you.

But we can't let it take over your lives.

If it doesn't work this month, we'll try again next month, OK?

Yes.

OK.

I love having sex with you.

It doesn't matter what the time is or what the stick says

or if you're fertile. I love it.

-That might not help but... -No, it doesn't, I'm afraid.

But thanks for letting me know.

-See you later, then. -Hurry home.

-We've got 24 hours. -Stop it.

I'm just joking. Sorry. It was a joke.

Any ideas what you'll do with the money?

What do you think we should do with the money?

I think we should renovate the house.

Does it need it?

I was thinking that if we're going to live together for real now,

wouldn't it be lovely to make it ours?

But isn't it ours? Don't you think that?

Yes, but... I don't know.

You think we should sell the house

and buy something that's really ours?

I've lived there my whole life.

It's part of me. If we sold it, that part of me would disappear.

-What... don't you like living there? -Sure I do!

So what's the problem?

I just want to toy with the idea for a while.

What?

I don't get what idea it is you want to toy with!

We live together and have chosen to do so for the rest of our lives.

Isn't it a lovely feeling to think that we share everything,

while we're still alive?

"While we're alive"?

It was just a suggestion and you can do what you like with your money.

I was just thinking...

I know...

-Can you sort these? -Sure.

While you're here, do you have a minute?

I have one minute. Fire away.

I... er... was thinking about what we discussed last week.

What did we discuss last week?

We discussed my thoughts about my future...

That I deserve to take a step up, maybe.

I've been here two years, and am still sorting papers...

But you make coffee, too.

But I'm still on the starting salary I had two years ago.

Ah, your raise. That's what you talked about last time.

-So you wouldn't consider... -No, we're not there yet.

When you start bringing in clients we can talk then. But you're not.

I think we've got you at a good level.

I think it's pretty fair.

But if you want to go and check what else is out there, go ahead.

-It's not that... -You've got it good, Aron.

Trust me.

-Shall we leave it at that? -Of course.

Will you sort those?

What the hell...?

-It's true! -Yeah.

-Think it over. -I've got to go now.

Speak soon, then.

The gate out there just fell off!

-I'll try to fix it. -I'd... like that.

-I'm sure it'll be easy to fix. -Hi!

-What was that? -The gate fell of when I opened it.

I'll have a look at it. Who were you talking to?

-Me? -You.

Was I talking to someone?

You were just speaking to someone on the phone.

Right! No, it was no one. Just a salesman.

-Selling...? -Exactly.

They're always at it, those types.

-The house will have nice new owners. -How old were they?

-Maybe a little younger than you. -OK.

-Pregnant. -How nice for her.

She seemed happy. He didn't seem so pleasant, though.

He said he'd rip everything out!

-There's no call for that, is there? -It's a house, Dad. Just a house.

You spent your life there! Births, deaths, a lot's happened.

Sure, but there's no need to be sentimental.

-Do you regret it? -No...

But of course I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing.

OK, you regret it. But what did you have in mind?

-To live there alone? -No, with Anita.

She won't want to live where you and Mum lived for years.

You can't reason like that. Maybe some bloke lived in her house.

Sat in the kitchen naked from the waist up drinking tea.

Is this jealousy I hear seeping out here?

That kind of thing crosses your mind sometimes, right?

-Or don't you? -No, you don't.

Peter can't have been all on his own his whole life, either.

You know what, Dad, I'm getting into a lift now.

So I might lose you. I'll have to call you... Oh, we've got cut off!

-Love you, bye. -Bye.

Jonas to the gardening section.

So I'll pick her up on Wednesday, then, OK?

And where's Rick playing tonight?

I can't take you being so impressed by my guy the whole time.

Would you prefer me to hate him, like you do my new partner?

Jenny isn't new. And maybe that's the whole problem.

-She couldn't be more two-faced. -Don't talk about her like that.

Elsa... I know you. You seem so edgy.

-Have you fallen out with Rick? -No.

-Everything's fine. -"Everything's fine". But...

But... some arsehole is trying to rip him off.

Do you need legal help?

My bureau specialises in artists and copyright and so on.

Seriously, maybe I can help him. You both.

Absolutely, I'll tell him.

That my ex, the assistant, is offering his help.

Can't you do that?

We'll see.

-But... -Bye, sweetie!

But you'll be in touch about that, right?

-What is it? -Help!

-What happened? -Help!

-I've nailed my own thumb! -Oh my God.

I can't stand the sight of blood. I'm going to faint...

Easy now, I'll call an ambulance.

Don't call an ambulance, I'm not going to die!

-But what shall I do? -I just can't stand blood!

Can you try pulling it free?

Fuck!

I can't. Fuck! Get the saw.

No, I will not saw your thumb off, Sten, I refuse to.

You're to saw the wood, Anita, the wood!

The wood! I thought you... I'll get the saw.

Fucking hell!

RICK

-Hello. -Hello.

-Hello? -Shit!

Hello?

Hello?

-Hey! -Hi.

-Am I interrupting? -No.

How was the trip?

Good.

Good. Thanks.

-How are you? -Fine.

She's so hungry.

-Need help? -I can't wait for that buggy space.

Hi.

Ah, magic! Dinner!

They called to ask if we want to join the bidding.

-You're up for it, right? -I reckon so.

Have you spoken to your boss about the raise?

I'm working on him.

-And what's he saying? -He's...

He's playing hard to get.

You need to see you value, sweetheart.

You can make demands, right?

I don't know...

But I do.

You're so damn loyal and clever, but far too kind.

-Don't you approve? -I like it.

I know you and love you because you are so kind.

But you can also be tough against the tough.

I'll try to think a bit more superhero.

"When the Phantom asks, you answer."

So that's your plan?

I'm to emulate a made-up tights- wearing man when discussing my raise?

My God. Place a bid.

But how would that work if you don't have your share of the deposit?

I'll sort it. Come on, Lola, porridge time!

-Who was that? -An old acquaintance.

-Why didn't you answer? -Because I'm in a hospital with you.

I'll call them back later.

-How does it feel? -It's throbbing and feels hot.

Maybe you should have another think about the renovation?

This would never have happened if we'd fixed up the house.

But I like pottering about in the garden on my own.

With you there, of course!

On our own.

I like feeling like that TV handyman Ernst Kirchsteiger!

We can't renovate the house on our own.

We need builders.

We can talk about it tomorrow when I'm not so high on painkillers.

Can you answer that for me?

-Hi, Aron. -Hi. What are you up to?

-We're at the hospital. -Why?

Your handy father managed to drive a nail through his thumb.

-For real? Will he need surgery? -No, no. I don't know.

Well, it is what it is. Shall I pass on a message?

-We've found a flat we want to buy. -I see.

-I'll pop by tomorrow. -I'll let him know.

-Take care. Bye. -Bye.

He'll be popping by tomorrow to talk about a flat that he and...

Jenny want to buy.

Okay...

See? When it comes to figures, they want your help, not Ernst's.

We're all good at different things.

Maybe they need help renovating it.

Is the idea that he can just come and go as he pleases?

-He's my son, Clara. -I know.

-We've had him 5 weekends in a row. -"Had"? He's not one year old.

Wasn't your ex going to have him every other week?

Look, I've got no issue with his being here.

Me neither. I'd just like to know when.

So he doesn't catch me half-naked shoved up against the working top.

Then we can bolt the door, OK?

Sorry, but I'm not used to having a teenager in the house to consider.

It's new for me too, but I can't tell him not to come here.

Sweetheart, you misunderstand me.

Victor can come and go as he pleases.

It's just that I'd like some forewarning.

So that we can plan things a bit.

So that fucked up our chances for this month, too.

"Fucked up"? We've got all night.

You son's in the next room.

But he hasn't got X-ray eyes. He can't see in!

But maybe he can hear, with his ears.

Then you'll have to stay silent when I get going, if you can.

I'm renowned for being a screamer... Stop it!

-That's the... Shh! -OK then!

How the hell did you manage to nail yourself?

I was using a nail gun, and I slipped.

-I thought that was impossible. -I don't want to think... Enough, OK?

-How did it go with the flat? -It went brilliantly. Look.

I need to borrow some money for the deposit, but...

this really is my dream.

-You have your inheritance. -Not any more.

What? How come?

It was two years ago. I've been living. I have a family.

Look, it's fabulous. I've been dying to show you. Look!

You come in... and there's the kitchen immediately on the right.

If we had the money we'd rip it all out and have it open-plan.

What is it with your generation?

Why does everything have to be constantly ripped out and put back?

What is this?

I'm sorry!

-It's fine, it's fine. -I asked what it was, not how.

-What do you mean? -You've got this hazy look about you.

You seem confused. Don't you approve?

-Of what? -Jesus, Dad, the flat!

-Sure I do. -What's up with you?

Have you got Aspeimer, or whatever it's called.

Do you want your bottle?

-It's a lovely flat. -I know. So what's the problem?

Shouldn't you look at more before making your minds up?

We've looked at twelve flats. Jenny's going mad.

What's wrong with the one you live in?

Come on. It's 19 square metres. There are three of us now.

Lola doesn't have a square metre to crawl around in.

Maybe you don't need to buy it together?

Why not? It'd be much cheaper.

-What are you getting at? -You're young.

You don't know how long the relationship will last.

You could end up with a flat that's too big, and a huge mortgage!

You don't know how long they'll last at your age either.

And you'll end up with no house. The best house in the world.

I'm just saying.

Are you going to help me with the deposit or not?

It's a lot of money, Aron.

I have to let this marinate.

What does that mean?

-I have to do the math. -What math is there to do, Dad?

You're made of money now! You've sold our family home.

The home in which I grew up, in which Mum died.

I'm just telling you how it is. Mum loved that house.

It's just a house...

So... you're not going to help me.

You should have saved your inheritance!

Get a fucking grip! You're so fucking stingy.

-You just think of yourself! -And you don't?

God, this was pleasant. Thanks for the coffee.

Aron, I said I'd... Shit.

I said I'd let it marinate...

You can slow-boil it for all I care! This is fucking stupid.

I ask my dad for money for a flat so I can build my life but...

But you've spent all your money. Why did you do that?

That's enough. I can't stand the sight of you.

Stop this now, Aron.

-This is so... -Can I help you?

-If you can lift up that bit. -Here?

-There. Ow, wait! -Lift it carefully.

If you remove the sexiness from the sex, there's nothing left.

The whole point is to be caught horny and pushed up against the wall!

And you're like: "What's all this, then?"

Right? That's the sexiest thing there is.

The opposite of peeing on a stick and waiting 30 seconds to time it right.

If it's time, open your legs and wait for the man to come.

That's hardly being caught horny.

-Let's not take this in here. -No, OK.

Ulf?

To disengage the sex from the baby-making.

It's hard to do that when that's how babies are made.

Not in the modern world...

-It wouldn't hurt to get checked out? -No...

But what is it?

I'm fucking terrified.

We've been trying for a year now. Something's not right.

Maybe I can't have children.

-Maybe Peter will leave me... -You'll have children, for sure.

Why does everyone say that? It makes me so fed up!

There's no "for sure" about it! It's fucking unsure right now.

I've waited too long.

In all likelihood I won't be able to have kids.

-So stop saying I will. -OK, sorry.

I mean, Peter is so nice and understanding,

but he has a kid.

If he didn't, the situation might be different.

But he does and I feel so fucking...

alone in all this.

You aren't. OK?

You're not alone.

I think you should speak to Jonas. He's a fertility specialist.

He's a really lovely guy.

-And good looking. -Lucky for me.

I don't want ugly fertility consultants grading my genitals.

You know that's not what fertility consultants do, right?

-Grade your genitals, I mean. -Thank you, I know that...

Listen. I'll call him, OK?

Do that.

Know what the problem with the younger generation is?

They're lazy. They want everything for free.

They want to pull down everything we've built up.

Shouting and screaming is OK, as long as they get what they want.

But maybe you should help Aron.

-Now that you have the money. -What is this?

I thought you wanted me, to invest it in our house.

I know... But that can wait.

Good night.

-Oh, well. Is it OK if I read? -Sure. Is it OK if I sleep?

It's OK.

What the...?

I'll go down. Ow!

What the hell?

It was a mouse going to town on a wire down there.

-I'll have to call an electrician. -We've just decided to renovate.

Hans, please...

We can talk about it tomorrow.

Two o'clock. OK. Bye.

It's alright. I was waiting for you to call.

-Hi. -They've no reception there...

-You're late. -I know.

I've been sitting in the library all day. I'm knackered.

I'm bloody starving.

Want me to take care of you?

Please.

What's all this then?

-What did Sten say? -That he'd let it marinate for a bit.

Marinate? OK. So what shall I tell the estate agent?

I'll call him tomorrow when he's done marinating.

OK.

Shit.

We could really do with a bigger flat.

Do you think so?

I'll call him tomorrow.

Darling!

Think about your timing!

Hello, darling.

Mum! What are you doing here?

I've got nowhere to live.

Dad sold the house, I know. I don't know why.

-I tried to tell him... -I know, Aron.

-I know you do all you can. -I try.

I can see that, darling.

-What are you doing? -Come in!

I'm bursting.

We can go and talk to him. We've got nothing to lose.

I've met maybe the best man ever.

-"Maybe" the best? -And now I'm being punished for it.

-That's not how it works. -I know that, but...

-Why does it have to be so hard? -We've not been trying for that long.

-One year, Peter. -That's not so long, is it?

I'm 38 years old.

You realise it might be too late, right?

I think we should go. Maybe they can speed up the process or something.

-It'll be OK. -Sure...

-It's going to be OK. -Sure it will.

I hadn't even thought about kids before you entered my life

and now it's like I can't see us being happy without one.

-Kids aren't everything. -Easy for you to say. You have one.

I say let's go and hear him out and take it from there.

OK?

OK?

OK.

It'll be OK.

It'll be OK.

Oh! You've made it so nice.

You know, I think we should renovate the house.

You're right. This is what I want to spend my money on.

It's here where we'll be living for the rest of our lives.

Won't we?

Yes... But what about Aron?

Aron has to take responsibility for his own life.

And we must take responsibility for ours.

Sure, but... I was just thinking that we could...

But aren't you happy?

Isn't it good that I've finished toying?

Yes. I am. I'm happy.

I've called an electrician. He'll be here around 3 pm.

-Will you be here to let him in? -You will too, won't you?

I've got an errand to run in town. You can take the first meeting, yes?

We said that we'd do this together.

And we will. It's just that I have something to do in town.

-What? -Just a thing.

-I can drive you there. -No, you don't need to do that.

Come on, I'll drive you there.

Sure.

OK, that's great. Bye.

We've got until 5 pm to place a bid.

-Maybe you can call Sten back? -Of course.

-Listen, I'm off. See you later. -Bye.

-Call him, then! -Yes!

-Is this where you're going? -Yes. I need to buy a bicycle pump.

-I can wait for you. -It'll take time.

And I was thinking of buying some bulbs too...

-OK? See you at home, then. -Yes.

My little poo, I love you!

-Where's her changing bag? -Fuck, I forgot it.

-Are you joking? -No. I'll run home and get it.

-Fuck! -It'll take five minutes. Jesus!

I'll run...

-Yes? -Hi, Aron, how are things?

-Why haven't you called me back? -I am now.

-Have you let it cook now? -"Cook"?

Can I borrow the money or not? We have to place a bid by 5 pm.

I've got no money to lend you. Anita and I need to renovate.

-Sorry, what? -We need to renovate...

I heard you, but how the hell can you prioritise renovating the house?

-I need to borrow money! -It's not your money, Aron.

You're a fucking arse, you know that?

-Dad...! -You mustn't speak to me like that.

OK, sorry. But please Dad, must you renovate the house now?

Yes, we must.

Thanks so fucking much for your help!

What the hell...?

Here.

-It took eight minutes... -Don't start. I can't take it.

-Fuck. -Is everything OK?

It's fine. Bye, bye, little poo!

Daddy loves you.

-Has Rick called you? -What? No. Should he have?

I told him you might be able to help him.

-OK... -You said I could tell him, right?

Sure. I can help him.

You don't have to take him on. There are thousands out there who would.

-I just thought you might want to... -I do. I can.

Don't screw up, now. I did it for your sake.

-Thanks, Elsa. -I'll text you his number.

So I'll just insert the probe...

I'll go a little deeper. Is that OK?

Doesn't feel so nice...

It feels like you're familiarising yourself with my girlfriend's vagina.

But maybe you didn't ask me.

-It looks good... -"Good"? What does that matter?

-It's not for you to judge that... -Sweetheart, can you shut up?

Good. That's that, then.

-Are you OK? -Are you?

Thank you.

Wait outside and I'll be with you shortly.

-Hey, man. You need help? -I'm Aron. I'm here to see Rick.

-He's in the studio. I'll go get him. -Thanks.

Hello.

-My manager's been ripping me off. -OK...

The problem is, the case mustn't go public.

-There are global artists involved. -Absolutely. Goes without saying.

So my question to you is: What shall I do?

-I'll run through it in the office. -Under the radar?

Yeah, I mean super under-the-radar.

Then I'll get back to you on Monday

with a proposed plan for how we can attack the whole situation.

-Awesome. Cool. Nice. -Nice.

-You'll get it sorted, right? -Sure will.

Come into the studio, I'll show you what we do.

-Sure. -We're working on a hit!

Come on...

I have a guest here. A-Ron is in the house!

-Mute your phone, will you? -Of course.

We'll record this. Fancy laying down a verse?

-Hi, Aron here. Leave a message... -Fuck you.

-Oh, God... -You can come with me.

Sorry.

It's just really hard for me...

It's not strange for you to feel like this.

I sort of knew it would be like this.

This urge to have children. I wasn't really prepared for it.

I can't control my emotions. They just boil over.

It's your biological clock.

I thought that was just something you said.

And there's me, a consultant too...

-But Clara... -Yes?

From what I can see everything looks fine.

You are clearly fertile.

I'd even say you were very fertile.

-You have so many healthy eggs. -Told you.

I've always said that. You're so paranoid.

And Peter, we looked at your sperm sample...

I'm afraid the results are negative.

Negative? What do you mean by that?

Well... miracles can happen, but...

-From what I see, you're infertile. -That can't be right.

The tests are almost 100% reliable.

But... I mean, I have a kid.

I have a child.

Then I'd have a word with the mother if I were you.

Subtitles: Neil Betteridge www.plint.com