All language subtitles for bachelor.in.paradise.1961.hdtv.x264-regret.HI

[Crunch]

♪ When she sighs ♪

♪ And her baby-blue eyes
embrace your face ♪

♪ Lies, all lies ♪

♪ What the lady wants
is your closet space ♪

♪ Bachelor ♪

♪ In paradise ♪

♪ Be careful ♪

♪ Bachelor ♪

♪ In paradise ♪

♪ Beware ♪

♪ Lights down low ♪

♪ Frankie's records and
cocktails on the floor ♪

♪ You should know ♪

♪ It's the garden of
Eden scene once more ♪

♪ Adam ♪

♪ Come on, be smart ♪

♪ Just take your fig leaf ♪

♪ And depart ♪

♪ And leave one bachelor less ♪

♪ In paradise ♪

These days, as you
may have noticed,

many a motion picture opens.

With a scene which
rightly belongs.

Somewhere in the
middle of the story,

but this picture opens
where the story begins,

somewhere in the
south of France.

Pardonnez-moi, madame.

Chapter seven...
"The French widow."

The mature French woman

has elevated the
physical act of kissing

to an artistic level

unattained by any other society.

Kissing an experienced
French woman

provides the average male

with a sensation

that compares favorably

with, uh...

With, uh...

Pardon.

Pardonnez-moi, monsieur niles.

A transatlantic call
from your publisher.

Oh.

Pick it up right there.

Hello? Hello, Austin?

I've had you paged
all over France.

I've been calling all night,

and all I can get
from the operator

is that you're out or
your line's engaged,

whatever that is.

It's noon here,

and I haven't had breakfast yet.

Dear lad, how are you?

Hard at work.

I'm up to chapter seven

on how the French live.

How's it coming?

Fine. I'm two weeks
ahead in research,

four months behind in writing.

I'm afraid you'll have
to fly back, Adam.

What? Why?

Because of the demands of the
United States government...

A very large domestic
organization.

I used to get my mail from them.

Is anything wrong?

Wrong? You're in serious
difficulties, Adam,

to be euphemistic about it.

I'll see you in Washington
tomorrow afternoon.

In the middle of a book?

You're in the middle
of a tornado, Adam.

Now, climb on that
next jet out of Paris,

and don't speak to a soul...
No publicity.

Yes, but, Austin,
it's not that...

In fact, if anybody asks,

deny that you're a.J. Niles.

Use an alias... your
mother's maiden name.

Or was niles your
mother's maiden name?

Your innuendo is offensive.

What innuendo?

Uncle Sam has been calling
you one for days.

$628,470?

According to our
present calculations.

It may be more.

But I didn't earn that much.

Even the government
can't take over 100%.

They subpoenaed me.

I had to give them the figures.

Mr. Niles,

you've been overseas
for 14 years.

You wrote a dozen
books which grossed

a total of $1,214,704.63.

But what about my expenses?

We have no record of any.

I sent them to my
business manager.

I explained that, Adam.

You're responsible
for the actions

of your business manager, Mr.
Niles.

Any idea where he ran off to?

Vanished like smoke.

I can't believe

Herman wappinger is dishonest.

That man wears
piping on his vest.

In all the years that Mr.
Wappinger

has handled your affairs,

he never once filed
your income tax return.

Now, we're sympathetic, Mr.
Niles,

but this is a clear
case of fraud.

My life's earnings
down the drain,

just because I was stupid enough

to give Herman wappinger
my power of attorney.

I'm not only a criminal...
I'm a pauper.

You haven't a dime, Adam.

The department has attached

all your royalties.

We had to, Mr. Niles.
That's the law.

I know that law. It's
called "instant poverty."

Put me in jail...
At least I can eat.

That won't be necessary.

Mr. Palfrey posted
your surety bond.

Oh, thanks, Austin.

Then I'm free to leave?

Free to leave this office,
but not this country.

Thanks...

A million...

214 thousand...

704 dollars...

And 63 cents.

Shoo!

I'm an American citizen.

They can't force me to
stay in this country.

Yes, they can, dear boy.

Until you pay back
those $624,000,

or until Herman
wappinger's conscience

forces him to materialize.

Herman's probably on a yacht

with four beautiful gals.

I hope he's taking notes.

Meanwhile, what do I do?

You could go to work.

I could go back to
the sports desk...

$62.50 a week and passes
for the dog show.

No. I have an idea...
Your next book.

I haven't finished

researching my last one.

Then you can start
researching your next one...

How the Americans live.

You're joking.

A niles'-eye view of America

might be sensational.

If it's like your others,

half of all Americans
will buy it

just to see what they've missed.

The other half will buy it

to see what you've missed.

You've got to, Adam!

But how? How am I going to live?

I'll subsidize you...
Your rent and...

$75 a week.

$75?

Don't go over budget

just to save a life.

85... no more. Eat oatmeal
instead of caviar.

It tastes terrible
with champagne.

I'll need a secretary.

One ugly secretary.

One that can type, huh?

One more thing...
This is America.

Our attitude towards our women

is different.

Sex hasn't gone out, has it?

No.

I'd heard it'd been
replaced by television.

While you're here, no
experiments with women.

How can I research?

Strictly by
observation, dear boy.

If you get involved,
no more allowance.

I'm in trouble enough.

I'll stay in bucks county.

Not typical.

Nowadays, the average American

lives in a planned community...
A housing development.

Those tract things

where they replace old
slums with new slums?

Oh, they're more
appealing than that.

Take, for example,
paradise village.

Paradise village?

Yecch!

Sounds revolting.

It's a modern community in
the San Fernando valley.

Who lives there... horses?

Fortunes have been made

in such communities
as paradise village.

I've invested a little myself.

And with the population
growth in California,

it forms a cross-section
of the entire country.

I've arranged for a
house for you there.

And you expect me to live there?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I better get
my distemper shots.

You better wait for me.

My name is Adams. Jack Adams.

We've been expecting you.

My cab driver didn't know
how to get to paradise.

He's an atheist.

Ha ha! Come right this way.

Uh...

Mr. Adams is here.

How do you do, Mr. Adams?

I'm Rosemary Howard.

You are? Well, what a
pleasant surprise.

Oh? What were you expecting?

Well, frankly, nothing.

Your house is ready for you.

Won't you sit down?

Mr. Palfrey said
you weren't sure

how long you'd stay,

so it's a month-to-month
lease, all right?

That'll be fine.

It's a standard form.

Don't you want to see
the house first?

It'll be adequate.

You're sure?

It's the only one, isn't it?

Yes. We don't usually
rent in paradise,

but we hope you'll
decide to buy here.

If you're selling, I'll buy.

A rental car will
arrive tomorrow,

but I'll take you over now

if you like.

I'd love.

Let me pay the cab
and get my bags.

Ahh!

Our Mr. Adams has arrived!
Welcome to paradise, Adams!

Mr. Adams, this is Mr. Jynson...

Developer and president
of the tract.

Oh.

Well, you're a friend of
Austin palfrey's, huh?

It's a pleasure to
have you aboard.

You will find this
truly is paradise.

Schools, churches, country club,

playground, pool,
shopping center.

As we say,

a family can live a
full and happy life

in paradise

and never leave the village.

They're allowed to, aren't they?

Oh, of course.

You and your family...

I don't have a family.

No family?

Mr. Adams is a bachelor?

Well, don't worry.
It's not catching.

I know, but a bachelor
in paradise...

You'll be the only one.

That sounds like fun.

I better pay my cab driver.

I'd hate to put him
in a higher bracket.

[Mr. Jynson] Rosemary.

Ginny.

Does your mother know
you're reading this trash?

I'm 18.

Rosemary, may I see you?

Would you show Mr. Adams
to my car, please?

Crazy.

A Latin student, huh?

I'm not sure this is good.

He's a bachelor,

and it's a family community.

I'm a bachelor, too.

You're a woman.
That's different.

Why? I understand it takes

a member of each sex.

You're a special case.

You're steering away from men...

And I wish you'd get
over that, Rosemary.

We were discussing Mr. Adams.

When it comes to
personal matters,

I suggest you concern
yourself more

with your own domestic problems.

I didn't appreciate that remark.

Sorry, but if you
weren't suspicious

of every Tom, dick, and
Harry, you and Dolores...

Never mind Dolores.

Whose house did you
get for Adams, huh?

Mine.

You rented him your house?

Mm-hmm. I moved in with old Mrs.
Curtis.

She needed someone to
care for her, anyway.

Why don't you think of yourself

for a change?

A girl like you

could have anything if she'd...

If she'd be sweet, charming...

Or just obliging to a man?

Just because of one
unhappy experience...

That's all I needed.

I'm on my own, Tom,

and I intend to stay that way.

Excuse me. Mr. Adams is waiting.

You're much more attractive

than my last cab driver, Mrs.
Howard.

Thank you, but it's miss Howard.

Miss?

Don't they harvest the
crops around here?

Well, you're a bachelor.

But that's intentional.
I mean, anytime...

Oh, I know,

but you may be more
amazed to learn

that some women remain
single intentionally.

I think we'll hit it off.

When I left, if a
man wanted a house,

he built one... that was that.

You must have been
away a long time.

What's all that up there?

That's paradise hills,

Mr. Jynson's new development,

but he had to stop
work on it awhile.

The minute I met him, I thought,

"here's a man with an
arrested development."

Mr. Jynson is

a very intelligent businessman.

What's holding up
paradise hills?

It's a personal matter,

but only temporary.

Will you do your work

in the valley or downtown?

At home.

I'll need a secretary
for typing.

Is there anybody in
the neighborhood?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

I'll inquire around,

but most women in paradise

have husbands and children.

A lot of families get
started that way.

It would be pink.

That's not pink.

That's California coral.

Who thinks up all the names

for colors in this country...

Tennessee Williams?

Just like that... no key?

There is, but nobody has to
lock a house in paradise.

Hey, it's very attractive.

Even the termites
seem to like it.

That's pecky cypress,

and it's quite the rage.

It's very charming.

What do you call this style...
Early Disneyland?

By sliding these open, you
can bring the outdoors in.

Bugs and all.

This is your TV.

And here's the bar.

Hmm.

The last tenants

must have been real drunks.

There's not a drop left.

There are two bedrooms, but
only one is furnished.

One is all a bachelor needs

if he works it right.

Sweet.

Painter couldn't make
up his mind, huh?

What's this... a
runway for the mice?

If you're so disenchanted,

I'll be happy to
tear up the lease.

Oh, no. No.

It's not a bad
little cracker box.

100 million Americans

would love to live
in this cracker box.

That would make it crowded.

Anything else I can show you?

No. Just let me enjoy

the thrill of discovery.

You have a kitchen,
broom closet...

All the comforts.
Even indoor plumbing.

Good. I hate those long walks.

Good afternoon, Mr. Adams.

Wait. My luggage?

[Tires screeching]

What was that?

The school bus.

Sounds like one of
the kids is driving.

[Blows whistle]

[Horn honks]

[Whistle]

[Children yelling]

What do you say I
take you to dinner?

Thank you, but I have a
business appointment.

Oh.

Tomorrow night?

Lonely bachelors should stick
together, don't you think?

Definitely, and if I find
one I think you'd like,

I'll let you know. Good-bye.

Bye.

Hi. Who are you?

Mr. Adams. I'm moving in.

I'm Peter. I live there.

Where?

I won't tell. I'm not supposed
to talk to strangers.

Is he a stranger?

Sure. Here's my sister...
Mrs. Maclntyre.

Mrs. Maclntyre? Well,
ma'am, how do you do?

How do I do what?

It's just not my day for women.

He sure is a stranger.

Come on.

[Faucet running]

[Turning switch]

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Ohh!

You scared me. Who are you?

Jack Adams. Do you
come with the house?

Are you Rosemary's friend?

Not yet.

Then why are you in her house?

Is this Rosemary Howard's house?

Sure. Didn't you know?

I wish I had.

She's renting this to me,

but she didn't tell me.

Oh! She did say that.

Hi. I'm Linda delavane,
your next-door neighbor.

I was grinding my garbage.

What's wrong with your grinder?

We don't have one.

See, you get your choice
of garbage disposer

or dishwasher.

The disposer was a little extra,

and Larry didn't
want the obligation.

Larry?

My husband.

You're married?

Better be... I've
got two children.

Larry's a senior inertial
control systems analyst...

An important position.

Especially if you want

your control system analyzed.

You're Southern, aren't you?

Savannah, Georgia!

Sho'.

I met Larry at Michigan
while on scholarship.

Basketball?

Oh! Romance languages.

I was going to teach, but we got
married the day we graduated.

Then Stevie came along,
and then Dougie,

and now I'm settled
down as a hausfrau.

You're a living soap opera.

Don't you like it here?

For the children,
it's marvelous,

but there's so little
cultural stimulation,

and the good lord didn't intend

for me to use my
phi beta kappa key

to open grated cheese cans.

What are you doing there?

Loosening this so it will start.

Rosemary showed me how.
She's sweet.

When theirs gets stuck,

she takes in garbage from
the whole neighborhood.

Nice of her to find
me this location...

In the middle of things.

Can I help?

Now, hold it firm
and move it around.

Sort of like stirring
the fudge, isn't it?

O.k.

[Grinding noise]

Hold it!

You got it on high?

Wait!

O.k.

They get vicious

when they haven't
been fed for a while,

don't they?

Hello, men!

You broke my drum!

[Tarzan yells on television]

You shouldn't leave it here.

Let's turn this down!

Whew!

David Douglas delavane!
Who put your cage on?

Mommy did.

He started eating a
bottle of nail Polish.

You Billy goat.

Stevie, let's get him
ready for dinner.

Linda, I'm home!

I'm here, honey.

Y-your birthday?

Hmm-mm.

Our anniversary?

No.

My birthday?

No. It's Mr. Adams' idea.
He rented Rosemary's house.

He says a man likes to come home

and see his wife
in a pretty frock.

He's right.

You'd like him.

He's nice-looking,
cute, mysterious.

He speaks French.

What's so mysterious about that?

You've got three
guys to feed, baby.

Give me 10 minutes.

10 minutes?

I lost track of time.

Jack and I got to chatting.

I was transported

to all sorts of romantic places.

Forgot all about
dishes and diapers.

So Mr. Adams equals
mystery and romance.

Mr. Delavane equals
diapers and dishes.

Larry!

Some stranger fills my wife

with talk about romantic places,

changing clothes, and
speaking French.

I never did trust that language.

Larry, don't be so sensitive.

Are you jealous?

Me? Jealous?

But there are jealous
husbands around here,

and if Mr. Adams starts
transporting their wives,

we'll have more
trouble in paradise

than Eve started
with that apple!

Say, would you send a cab
to 22931 katherina street?

Right away.

Thank you.

Are you in a hurry, miss Howard?

Yes.

I have an appointment
at 8:00, but I...

Um...

Just bring me a hamburger
and coffee to go, Thelma.

O.k.

I can't tell you
when I'll be free

for another call.

I don't know how
fast this nut eats.

Yeah.

[Music playing]

Well, guys and gals,

if this didn't get
you up, you're dead.

[Turns off radio]

[Tires squealing]

[Backfires]

[Backfires]

[Dogs barking]

[Car backfires]

[Babies crying]

[Telephone ringing]

How the Americans
live, chapter one.

The din dawns with the day.

Throughout most of
the civilized world,

the new day is born in
a silence so profound,

one can imagine he hears
the morning glory

open its petals to
greet the rising sun.

Hour-conscious, minute-counting,
time-saving America

is blasted from sleep

by explosive screams of
the alarm clock radio,

which may largely explain
the frenetic pace

that jangles the nation's
nerves throughout the day.

Timed to the split second,

an entire community
prepares for the day.

In a seemingly
well-regulated schedule.

That first dispatches
the adult males.

And gets them safely.

Into the aorta of the
city's traffic system...

Those marvels of engineering
called freeways.

That have contributed so
much to American progress.

[Blows whistle]

[Blows whistle]

[Blows whistle]

The next major movement.

Of which the objective
observer is aware.

Comes after an interval.

During which the adult females.

Have attended their
basic household chores.

They run errands, walk
dogs, stroll babies,

borrow, lend, exchange,
and discuss.

And during the period
from sunup till sundown,

the typical American community
is completely matriarchal,

dominated entirely by females...

A no man's land more foreboding
than ancient scythia,

home of the Amazon.

Hi, stranger.

Well, Mrs. Maclntyre, why
aren't you in school?

I had to stay home today.

My husband is sick.

What's the matter?

I think he's pregnant.

Bye.

Go this way, stranger.

What are you going
to buy, stranger?

Lots of things.

Then you better get a wagon.

Sissy, I told you
to wait in the car.

I have to help the stranger.

You're Mr. Adams,
the new gentleman.

I'm Bertha pickering,
sissy's mother.

I hope she isn't too bothersome.

No. She can help if
you don't object.

Behave now, sissy.

Pardon me.

I was just about to
call the auto club.

I'll be in fresh vegetables.

Stranger, what will you buy?

Let's start with coffee.
Where's that?

Down this way.

Can I have one?

Oh, sure. Be my guest.

No. No. Not from the bottom.

Can I have some for my husband?

Let me get it, honey.

Floor man, accident on aisle 14.

Big brother is watching you.

He did it!

Where do you get eggs?

From chickens!

Eggs are this way.

Well, you help the nice man

put the cans together, huh?

Here. That's for her husband.

Are there any more
small broilers?

Sorry, ma'am. Not until
the next delivery.

Oh, dear.

Allow me.

Thanks just the same.

I can't cook.

Why'd you buy it?

To practice, but I can
practice with eggs.

I'll find something else.

We'll split it.

You cook it.

Then bring it to my place,

and we'll share it.

You're very generous.

Don't you think I'm
worth half a chicken?

I haven't thought of you
in terms of chickens.

I haven't thought
of you, period.

Wait. I want to apologize

for the things I said yesterday.

Why didn't you tell
me it was your house?

I thought it would be
less embarrassing.

Please forgive me.

Ours is purely a
business arrangement.

You rented my house, not me.

You're sure you won't reconsider

splitting this broiler tonight?

Tomorrow night?

I'm the safest man
in California.

I'm the most determined
bachelor you'll ever meet.

That's obvious, but it
doesn't make you any safer.

You don't think I'd ask a girl

to come to her own house.

Probably, if you could
get away with it.

Pardon me.

Oh, miss Howard!

Dear, you're just
the one I need.

Sign this petition
to help safeguard

the young people of
paradise village.

What is this, Mrs. Brown?

The village bookshop

is selling those dreadful books

by a.J. Niles again.

I want them to remove

those nasty volumes

before they corrupt our youth.

Have you ever read
any of the books?

Certainly not.

How do you know
they're so nasty?

Certain chapters in all of a.J.
Niles' books are nasty.

Everyone knows that's what
makes him so popular.

I can't see how the presence
of a book can corrupt anyone.

It's the parents' duty

to censor their
children's reading,

not mine.

I can't sign your petition, Mrs.
Brown.

I'll sign that, Mrs. Brown.

Well, you're a good neighbor.

Mr. Adams, isn't it?

That's right.

I admire your attitude,
miss Howard,

but I feel a sense of
obligation to the writer.

Every attempt to suppress books

helps push them atop
the bestseller list.

Thank you, on behalf of a.J.
Niles

and the bureau of
internal revenue.

Floor man, accident
on aisle three.

I see you found the eggs.

[Tires screech]

I'm sorry!

My fault!

That's all right.

Um...

I hope you don't think
I'm following you,

but something's leaking.

Leaking?

Yeah, from your car,
all over the street.

Here it is. What is that?

It looks like soap powder.

It is soap powder.

Well, that's all right.
I have several boxes.

This is Rosemary Howard's house.

That's right. I'm leasing.

Oh, I heard she rented
it to a bachelor.

Jack Adams.

No wonder Tom was so upset

when he heard you had moved in.

Tom?

Tom jynson.

The blow-hard who built
this no man's land.

I'm Mrs. Tom jynson.

Well, I'm sorry. I...

That's quite all right.

Blow-hard's a good word for him.

Here. Let me help.
You get the others.

I'll get the rest.

Certainly neighborly of you, Mrs.
Jynson.

Dolores.

Thank you, Dolores.

Can I help you with
something else?

I love to do for a man,

and Tom doesn't need me

to do for him lately.

Is there something
I can do for you?

Show me how the washing
machine works.

Oh, that's nothing.

I already put the laundry in.

You did?

You put the soap in

this little trap door on top.

Then you, um, you
turn this dial.

Is that all?

Mm-hmm. Simple.

Why don't you go ahead
and get things started,

and I'll put the groceries away.

O.k.

I keep everything
on the top shelf.

Hey, don't put in too much soap.

How much is too much?

Well, that's more than enough.

Oh, gosh, yes.

Now you close this,

and you just, uh,

well, you just turn this dial.

[Clanking]

I must have left some
change in the pockets.

The first cycle's the noisiest.

Then it settles down to a roar.

Don't wear yourself
out this way.

You're too pretty
for the kitchen.

Oh?

Um, I'm not keeping you

from anything urgent, am I?

I was going to dust, but
I can do that later.

Am I holding you up?

You are... from
my cocktail hour.

Isn't it early?

What else is there to do?

In alphabetical order?

Um, there's something
I might explain

about Tom and me

that would put your
mind very at ease.

Can you make a
really dry Gibson?

Five parts gin,

and I think for a moment
about the vermouth.

See, we're separated.

We hardly ever see each other.

That put your mind at ease?

Just my conscience.

My mind's having a ball.

We're more than
separated, really.

We're about to be divorced.

I, uh, consider myself
an unattached woman...

Practically...

If you know what I mean.

I'm terribly afraid I do.

Woop.

Excuse me.

Mmm...

Here's a little hitchhiker.

Thank you.

We have community property
laws in this state,

and he's finding out

he can't treat me the
way he treats me.

Aren't you having one?

Little early for me.

Early? It's April. Cheers.

So, until he acts like
a real husband should,

I'm going to keep all
that money tied up,

and his paradise hills
can just sit there.

You're the reason they
stopped working on that?

Me and my lawyers.

He thinks he's so smart.

Oh, he's made a fortune,

but he's all business, that man.

I found the loveliest
house in bel air.

I went into escrow,
but would he sign?

Not Tom jynson.

He stays in paradise

where he can keep his finger
on the pulse of things.

That's a laugh.

Is it?

Sure! He moves to a hotel and
leaves me stuck in paradise.

Oh, thank you.

But a woman gets
that lonely feeling.

She wants somebody to admire her

and tell her how
pretty she looks

and things like that.

Why don't you come over
here where we can talk?

You're coming in loud and clear.

Oh, come on!

You're so sympathetic
and understanding.

You're a very easy
woman to understand.

Am I?

Uh-huh.

May I ask you a very
personal question?

Mm-hmm.

Do you find me
attractive as a woman?

You're extremely
attractive as a woman.

Tom doesn't find me attractive.

He used to, but not anymore.

That's the trouble with
those real-estate men.

Once they get you
through escrow,

they lose interest.

He goes out with other women,

one very other woman in particular...
Rosemary.

Rosemary Howard?

They were together all the time.

He used to leave me night
after night after night.

It was always business,

and it was always Rosemary.

I'm, uh, a lonely woman, Jack.

So very, very lonely.

Yeah, I'm beginning
to see what you mean.

Have you ever thought
of buying a parakeet?

They say tropical fish are fun.

I can't help it.

I'm not made of stone, you know?

Not unless they're doing
some new things with it.

I'm kind of lonely here myself.

You are? I'm a marvelous cook!

I'll make you breakfast.

I had breakfast.

Tomorrow's?

It'll get cold.

Well, I'll come over
and heat it up.

Oh, my gosh!

I must have pushed
the wrong dial!

What'd you set it
for, Niagara Falls?

We got to shut it off.

Aah! Ooh!

Mommy, look.

The house is throwing up.

What's happening?

Wait here. Watch the kids.

Oh, Jack, what's wrong?

The washing machine.

Get back!

When it switches to rinse,
the whole town may go.

I'll phone for help.

[Whimpering]

Oh, Jack. This is awful.

First time I've seen a
kitchen with a head on it.

Don't make any waves.

[Dog barking]

What's that?

Look for a lump with a tail.

Aah!

Linda! Linda!

She'll be bubbled to death.

Oh, Linda. Linda.

Here! Take him.

Hope he doesn't shrink.
He'll be a chihuahua.

[Coughing]

[Sirens]

Aah! Mad dog!

Mad house!

Where's the fire?

No fire.

What did you call us for?

If I hollered
"soap!" Who'd come?

Rosemary, when's the last time

you stopped by your house?

A week ago. Why?

Did it look as if there was
any dirty work going on?

Dirty work?

You know.

No, I don't know.

The house never looked cleaner.

There is definitely
something strange going on.

Drive down katherina street,

and you'll see women...
Our ladies...

Wearing lipstick and
dresses, during the day!

It's starting to spread
throughout paradise.

Tom, exactly what is Mrs.
Brown telling you?

I'll tell you what she told me.

She told me that your harmless Mr.
Adams

is entertaining women every
afternoon in your house.

Collectively or individually?

Either way, I don't like it.

It looks bad.

I want you to find out
what is going on.

Just picture this scene
for yourselves...

Your husband comes home.
He walks in the house.

He finds candles flickering
and the table set for two,

soft, romantic music,

vintage wine chilled,

a faint, alluring
scent of perfume.

The setting is perfect.

Then he discovers a woman
he's never seen before...

Beautiful, seductive, exciting.

What does he do?

I'll kill him!

Ha ha ha!

The woman is you.

Oh!

It'll be an evening
you'll always remember.

You'll awaken passions
you've never known before.

I guarantee it'll work.

But what about the children?

Cooperate, just
like the Europeans.

Leland's due home tonight.
Would you watch Janie?

You take my three tomorrow.

I'll take the boys tonight.

[Adams] That's the idea, girls.

Tomorrow, I want a report
from all who try it tonight.

Happy hunting and
toujours l'amour.

[Children playing]

[Women laughing]

Hi, Rosemary.

You missed the most
fascinating discussion.

Why haven't you
joined our group?

I haven't had time, Camille.

I stopped by on business.

See you.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

It was wonderful.

Well, won't you come in?

I'll only be a minute.

What sort of a group have
you formed, Mr. Adams?

It's surely not aa.

One harmless Martini
each just to loosen up.

Care for one?

I tighten up with Martinis.

Have you found a secretary?

I thought you were
looking into that.

You seem to be interviewing all
the women, every afternoon.

We're conducting a
cultural exchange.

Discussions of life,
love, and the pursuit.

It's had a bracing
effect on the community.

There's been a run on girdles.

Your friend niles' books
are all sold out.

How do you know he's
a friend of mine?

You signed that petition.

Do you really know him?

Intimately.

We worked on the same
sports department

back in Cleveland.

Is he as wicked as his books?

I find him fascinating.

You'd like a.J. Niles.

Splendid fellow.

A bachelor, too, by the way.

What's he look like?

He's devilishly attractive.

I haven't seen a picture.

Most writers have their portraits
on the backs of books.

If his face became well-known,

it'd be a handicap
to his research.

I'll tell you one thing.

He'd be crazy about you.

Oh?

What makes you so sure?

Your attitude.

Your refreshingly
realistic attitude.

You don't have any of the
natural female instinct

to deprive a bachelor
of his freedom.

I stopped by to tell you

I could get you a
part-time secretary.

You could have called that in.

[Telephone ringing]

See how it works? Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

I'm not sure. Hold on.

Are you busy tonight,

miss Howard?

For dinner, I mean.

Yes.

Do you know someplace

we can have dinner for $5.00?

My allowance is late.

Barbecue's fine.

Where?

The pig pit?

If you say so.

I'll pick you up around 7:00.

O.k. You pick me up. Bye.

I thought the four of
us could eat together.

The four of us?

Me and my date, and
you and Tom jynson.

He's a married man.

Dolores jynson's
a married woman.

They're practically divorced.

The four of us would
be quite civilized.

Could be quite amusing.

Thanks, Mr. Adams,

but I'm not that
desperate for amusement.

Good-bye.

The American woman,
in her desperation,

driven toward what she regards.

As equality with
the American man,

has somehow lost the
art of romance.

Now her love for the
conveniences...

The electric can opener, TV...

[Turns recorder off]

That could be stronger.

Let me see...

Memo... check the girls tomorrow

to see how the
experiment turned out.

Camille, honey, I'm home!

Well?

Excuse me, madam. Must
be in the wrong house.

Leland quinlaw!

[Door slams]

I did not lose the
electric light money

in the bridge game!

Then turn them on.

I want candlelight and romance!

I want the lights on!

And what's with the violins?

Who needs this?

I want to see my kids,

and I'm not going to eat
dinner in the bedroom!

Take off that ridiculous dress!

[Crying]

Hey, baby. Come here!

Larry!

You want to play on the couch!

Larry, I've got to think.

Not for what I've
got in mind, baby!

You and your ideas, baby.
You fracture me.

Why don't we do
this every night?

You don't, um, miss the kids?

What kids?

Baby.

Hmm?

Let's skip dinner.

Mmm... it's cold now anyway.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Oh, c'est la vie!

The ribs were delicious.

You should have tasted them.

Mm-hmm.

Shrimp cocktail and
five Gibsons...

Not a very well-balanced diet.

I shouldn't have had
the shrimp cocktail.

Sure you won't have coffee?

I shouldn't have
brought you here.

They don't have the most
versatile wine cellar.

Tom brought me here.

Tom again.

That dirty rat!

So you've been telling
me for an hour.

He'd never take me
to expensive places,

the dirty cheapskate!

If your mascara runs,

you'll discolor your vodka.

You better be careful.

Excuse me.

Miss Howard.

Has Tom been here already?

Tom jynson? No.

Where's Dolores?

Emergency face repair.
Please sit down.

No, thanks.

Fortunately, I overheard
your conversation

and knew where to find you.

The house burn down?

No, but Tom is very angry.

Mrs. Brown saw you
and Dolores leaving,

so she called him.

Now he's scouting every
restaurant around.

He'll come here.

Why not hire a detective?

He's talked about that.

He's determined to get something on
Dolores to keep the alimony down.

Tom isn't a man. He's
a business machine.

It's Tom.

Here comes old IBM now.

Oh, hello, Tom.

Rosemary...

I thought you stayed
away from Gibsons.

Won't you join us?

No, thanks. I'm
looking for Dolores.

Going on your second honeymoon?

You didn't say you
were going to dinner

with Mr. Adams.

That's no one's
business but my own.

Unfortunately, we were only
discussing miss Howard's business.

Yes. Mr. Adams is thinking
of extending his lease.

We may need a new one.

Well, from what I hear,

you'd better add a
morality clause.

Takes a real dirty mind

to believe everything Mrs.
Brown says.

Wait a minute, miss Howard.

Mission accomplished.

Thanks, but I've been
trying for weeks

to get you to have
dinner with me.

Have a Gibson?

I hate Gibsons.

We're not allowed to drink
on rescue missions.

You're a real problem, you know.

Well, I'm not sorry for you.

You certainly don't lack
female companionship.

I only want to maintain
peace in paradise.

Jack Adams!

The minute I leave the table!

Honestly, you men are all alike!

You can't trust any man!

Excuse me, miss Howard.

Well, I'd better
explain it to her.

Yeah, but...

Waiter?

Waiter?

Oh, Jacques.

C'etait merveilleux.

Cela a developpe exactement.

Comme vous l'avez predit.

Merci. Votre mari,
est-ce que ca lui a plu?

Il en etait ebloui.

Nous voulons la faire
chaque semaine.

[Whistles]

[Rings doorbell]

Hello. Come in.

Or would you feel
safer if I came out?

Your discussion group
will be here soon.

There's safety in numbers.

Not if the numbers are 38-22-34.

Ooh, you flatter me.

What can I do for you?

Keep away from Dolores.

I won't chase around,
keeping you out of trouble.

Trouble? I'm a big boy.

I shave and everything.

If Tom had caught you,

you'd be in enough hot water

to shave for a week.

He'd have filed for divorce.

I have a financial interest
in paradise village.

I don't want a scandal.

Have you resumed work
on paradise hills?

You know we haven't.
Why do you ask?

You haven't found
me a secretary.

The work's piling up.

Could you help part-time?

Me?

You're the only one
here I can trust.

Why?

It's the nature of my work.

What is the nature of your work?

It's a series of reports.

Oh, government work?

I am working for the government.

It occurred to me, until
you resume paradise hills,

you could help me each evening.

Sorry. I don't like
to work nights.

Wait. Let's discuss this more.

There's nothing to discuss.

I'd like to explain over dinner.

I've discovered a little
place not only affordable,

but where the food's
fit for the angels

and the drinks for the gods.

Call me later.

[Hawaiian music playing]

Is he a bartender or a
landscape architect?

He's an artist.

Care for a scorpion's kiss?

That's what they're called?

And this is a bikini.

That's an odd name.

There's not much to it, but
it hits the right spots.

I've had two and
don't feel a thing.

We'd better get you another one.

Another brace of
bikinis, please.

Sorry. Only two to a customer.

Come on.

That's a powerful drink.

There's an old
tahitian saying...

"Okka noku pama talla
peeno pulla okka."

Oh. Just what did that
old tahitian mean?

Who knows? I'm from
San Francisco.

Loopholes everywhere.

Your booth is ready, Mr. Adams.

Oh, thank you.

Send over a couple
scorpion's kisses, then.

Thank you.

Just make it the
small scorpions.

You all right?

I'm fine, but why
are you leaning?

Oh, that's better.

Now, sit up straight.

Oh.

You know, this is really

a very attractive restaurant.

You haven't been here before?

Well, the atmosphere is
hardly conducive to business.

Oh.

Is that all you discuss at dinner...
Business?

That's not what
Dolores tells me.

That's great. That's
really great.

Tom thinks every time
he turns his back,

she's out chasing
every other man.

Dolores loves Tom,

and you and I could help them.

There's just a breakdown
in their communications.

Ha ha ha ha!

What's so amusing?

Oh, Tom thinks our
paradise bachelor is

such a dangerous man...

A satyr running
rampant in a harem.

Now you turn out to be
dear Abby in britches.

[New song begins]

[Applause]

Oh, I didn't know you
were so talented.

There are many things you
don't know about me.

I can sail a boat,
upholster furniture,

skin-dive for abalone,

bake strudel,

know the names of all 50
states and their capitals,

and I play a mean piano,

among other things.

Let me hear more about
the other things.

[Laughs]

Come dance with kuminaw.

No, honey. You're
one bikini late.

I'd have to take a pill.
I couldn't.

No. It makes me seasick.

I couldn't. No. I really...

I know, but you...

[Audience clapping
and whistling]

[Drum beating]

[Applause]

"It's a strange paradox
that the American woman,

"who lives in a world where
the bachelor and the spinster

"meet disapproval and
therefore can be satisfied

"with nothing but marriage,

"finds so much discontent,
restlessness, and boredom

"in the marital state.

Seeking relief from the
burdens of domesticity..."

Excuse me, Jack.

How about if Camille went
red, instead of black?

Leland's crazy about Susan
hayward, and she's a redhead.

He tells you that
so you won't know

how he feels about lollobrigida.

See? Come on.

Yeah.

"She exercises much imagination,

"frequently through
group projects

that will, in some
way, stimulate her."

[Door closes]

[Whistling]

Larry, is that you, honey?

[Stops whistling]

Well?

Take it off.

Take what off?

That hideous wig... take it off.

All right. All right,
it's not hideous.

Only, take it off.

Oh, Larry.

It isn't.

It's not a wig.

You mean you dyed it that color?

Yes.

Just wasn't coming up
to speed, that's all.

Hey, where'd you
learn electronics?

It's simple mechanics.

Now let's see if it will work.

Well?

You're doing this
for the government?

They can hardly wait
for it to come out.

Sounds like something a.J.
Niles might write.

Look, I trust you.

I can tell you the truth.

Mr. Palfrey came
up with this idea.

What idea?

A book like niles',
only about America.

Palfrey thinks there's
a mint in it.

Where's the government come in?

They're waiting for the mint.

Oh.

Know something? This is
better than a.J. Niles.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Taking it to the office
to transcribe it.

It's quiet here. We
can concentrate.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Afraid? I'm a pussycat.

From the gossip around here,

you're a tomcat.

Me? You, of all people, know...

Look, there's been enough talk.

Why give them more fuel?

Every husband's
talking about you.

Sure you don't want
them talking about you?

They've already talked
about me, Dolores,

and every other woman.

Aristotle said the
high-minded man

is more interested in the truth

than in what people believe.

Are you so high-minded?

My behavior's been
most exemplary.

Do you realize I haven't
even been kissed

since I moved in?

No? I mean, no, I
didn't realize.

It's a record, for me.

Oh, Rosemary, I'm sorry.

That's all right. I was leaving.

You were?

I shouldn't have burst in,

but it's an emergency.

What have you done to your hair?

You see?

Larry's tone was
positively menacing.

He walked out on me.

He says he's going to get drunk.

That might be an improvement.

But I promised Donna
to come over tonight.

Go without him.

Leave the boys?

Donna's my sister. I can't
tell her Larry walked out.

You know how families are.

Why don't you stay
with the boys?

Me baby-sit?

You started it.

So will you help me?

The kids are asleep.
There's nothing to do.

You can stay here and work.

Well, I guess there's
nothing wrong with that.

Oh, Jack. Mmm! You're a Saint.

There goes my record.

"What young parents without help

"did before there were
baby-sitters is unclear.

There's no evidence to..."

You're supposed to be asleep.

I'm hungry.

What can I get for you?

A sammich.

What kind of sammich?

A pickle and peanut
butter sammich.

Pickle and peanut butter.

Not interested in
growing up, huh?

[Baby crying]

See? You woke your brother.

No, I didn't. He
woke hisself up.

Shh.

Well...

Well, how long you
in for, Stevie?

I'm Stevie!

He's Dougie!

Oh, oh.

Well, come on. Let
me spring you.

Come on, doll. Come on.

You don't have to cry. You...

Uh-oh. High tide.

Aw!

[Ringing doorbell]

Why, Larry.

Where's Adams?

He's not here.

Don't kid me.

You women are all alike.

Stick up for him.

What's he got, anyway?
And where is he?

As a matter of fact,

he's performing a duty
you have neglected.

[Laughs]

I catch you,

and you try to wriggle out of it

by accusing my wife of
unbecoming conduct?

I'm not...

Rosemary...

So there you are!

[Whistles]

You're just as bad as he is...
Worse!

Trying to make me suspect
my wife when it's you.

Who've been
hanky-pankying around

with this...

This bachelor!

Ha ha ha ha!

Well, he's drunk.

He can change the kid's diapers.

Doubt it. He's headed
in the other direction.

Help me.

I know nothing about this stuff.

You think I do?

You're a woman.

Gender's no license
for knowledge.

After your remarks
on that tape...

We'll discuss that later.

There's a waterlogged kid

going down for the third time.

Help me.

[Dishes clank]

Does the board of health
know about this place?

What are you doing?

Fixing a sammich for Dougie.

Where is he?

Under the table.

Hey!

Hey, come on out of there.

What happened to your diaper?

They slitched off.

Here, let me take him.

Oh... boy.

With this kid, Linda doesn't
need a garbage grinder.

Here we are.

There. You go get
some dry diapers.

Shouldn't you powder him first?

No. You oil them first.

This kid hasn't done a
thousand miles yet.

You do it, and I'll
get the diapers.

And I'll put Stevie
in the other bedroom.

[Gurgling]

Isn't that good?

Is that refreshing?

Here you are.

Ahh!

You're the sweetest smelling.

[Blowing]

[Cries]

That's all right, baby.

If she wants to dye her hair,

what's the big deal, anyway?

What do you say we go tell her,

old uncle John, o.K.?

[Crying]

Not enough oil.

I couldn't find the
diapers, but...

What are you doing?

Well... let's face it.
I'm a lousy mother.

Oh, go get another towel.

I'll clean him up.

Oh, Dougie.

Ooh!

Yeah, wait.

Come on. Let's sit you up.
Let's sit up.

[Tires screech]

How about this one?

Give me one for here.

Yeah.

Well, I think that should do it.

Well, come on. There, huh?

He'll never get out of that

unless he has friends
on the outside.

Mrs. Delavane!

[Hiccups]

Mrs. Delavane!

Aha!

Aha what?

You are in my house.

Miss Howard wasn't lying

about you and Linda.

Oh, stop it.

Put 'em up.

I couldn't go two rounds
with your breath.

I won the first fall.

Quiet, you two.

Oh! My wife isn't good
enough for you, huh?

You got to have
another woman, too.

[Crash]

Well, there's another
one to put to bed.

Yeah, but he's already oiled.

"Causing unrest and disharmony,

"apart from entertaining
married and unmarried women

"in flagrant violation
of all standards

"of decency and morality.

"The undersigned
therefore demand

"that paradise
village, incorporated,

remove the above-named
undesirable tenant immediately."

And it's signed by every
husband on katherina street.

But not one of their wives.

Don't tell me he's gotten
to you, too, Rosemary.

You don't believe that rot!

These gentlemen believe it.

Aristotle said the
high-minded man

is interested in the truth,

not in what people believe.

Aristotle doesn't
live in paradise,

and I won't antagonize
the people who do.

Rosemary, I want Jack
Adams out of your house.

No, Tom.

I won't put him out,

not for you or anybody.

Are you disobeying me?

This is not the marine
corps, major jynson.

No. This is paradise,
and I'm in command.

You will do what I say,
or you're through...

Fired.

I'm sorry, Tom.

Truly sorry!

[Doorbell rings]

Well, come in.

You're a little early.

How would you like a
full-time secretary?

What red-blooded American boy wouldn't?
What happened?

I'm no longer an employee

of paradise village, inc.

You quit?

I won't work for any
man after he fires me.

I admire your spirit, among other things.
What happened?

A matter of business policy.
We didn't agree.

We don't always agree, either,

but I need you to
help with research.

What kind of research?

Don't worry. I'll push your
desk against the wall.

I couldn't chase you
around it if I wanted.

Just don't ask me to stay
after working hours.

Agreed?

Agreed, under protest.

Let me see.

You'll be my landlady
and secretary.

I'll be your tenant and boss.

A very involved relationship.

If you raise my rent,
I'll lower your salary.

You lower my salary,
I'll raise my voice.

[Announcer] Comes to the
plate with a curve ball.

Strike. 0 and 1.

Ripley checking his signs.

The big right-hander
ready again.

To the plate.

Palufski swings,
gets ahold of it.

Long drive to deep left-center.

Back goes smitty, a-way back,

and she is gone.

It's a brand-new ball game...
3 and 3.

Before the biggest
crowd of the year...

75,000 here at the stadium...

The bears have come back
in the seventh to tie.

For palufski, his 17th
home run of the year.

And his 51st rbi.

Now let's find out if
Dillon's coming up.

Jerry, is that Dillon?

No. That's monty Brice.

Monty Brice is hitting
.287 this season.

Never mind monty Brice.
Take a note.

"Americans are so accustomed

"to being told everything,

"even at ball games,

"they bring their radios

"so the announcer can explain

what they're seeing."

And the fast ball fouled away.

Our guess would be about
75,000 people here.

I wonder what idiot caught that.

They would have torn
the roof off for sure.

On the home run by palufski.

They say 20 million American
women have taken this up.

Sure. To get rid of
their aggressions.

[Adams] Yeah.

Oh, yes.

You know, those aren't pins.

Those are 20 million
American men.

The cleaners returned your suit.

I hung it in the closet.

And I brought your shirts.
They're in the drawer.

You don't have to do my shirts.

The laundry puts a razor
edge on the collars.

I don't want my
boss decapitated.

[Laughs]

Hey, you worried about
your boss or your tenant?

Jack, please.

It's time you acknowledge men
and women are different.

This arrangement is
difficult enough.

Don't make it impossible.

I want to make it very possible.

A little cooperation,
and it could be fun.

No woman really wants to
make love platonically,

just for fun.

Then I've met some
great pretenders.

I'm sure many women
have fallen for you.

If they have,

they wanted something
more than...

Well, merely an affair.

For instance?

Oh, a home, security,

permanence.

A wise man once wrote

that a man wants to be
a woman's first love,

but women have a more
subtle instinct.

They want to be sure
they're a man's last.

Let's eat.

Jack...

Hmm?

Have you been a
bachelor all your life?

I was engaged at
the age of seven,

but love's pangs turned
out to be measles.

Silly. Then there's a chance

that some poor girl
may marry you?

A rich girl would
have a better chance.

Have you ever been in love?

Never. Have you?

Once... I thought.

No. I take that back.

I really was.

What makes you sure?

What makes you sure
you never were?

I planned it that way.

My smart father prepared me for
life with splendid advice.

Care to share it?

"Be careful of what you put
your heart and money into."

Your father told you that?

Right after my mom
told it to him.

Ha ha ha! That's funny.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Where's Rosemary?

She's gone. It's after 6:00.

I wanted to talk to you alone.
It's about Larry.

He hasn't said a word for days.

You've dyed your hair
back, haven't you?

But he's still suspicious.

Of me?

It's your reputation, Jack.

Everybody thinks that...

Thinks what?

That you're having affairs
with all of us...

Me, Camille, Dolores, Rosemary!

Really? That should qualify
me for the olympic team.

Don't joke about it.

They've written everything down.

Good. We'll make an
Italian movie from it.

They even sent in that petition.

What petition?

To Tom jynson, to
have you evicted,

only Rosemary wouldn't do it.

Are you sure?

Positive. Leland quinlaw
and my Larry started it.

All the husbands
signed it, and...

[Sniffing]

What's that?

Something's burning.

It's the oven.

[Coughing]

My ready-mix cake.

Ha ha!

Hope smoky the bear
doesn't hear about this.

Jack!

[Door shuts]

Jack?

Out here!

What's so urgent?

Sit down, Rosemary. I want
to ask you something.

Why couldn't you ask
me on the phone?

I want to see your
face when you answer.

This isn't the first time
you've tried to protect me,

and I'm touched,

but you should have told
me about the petition.

What good would it have done?

I could have spared everyone

by moving out.

Leaving paradise?

I should think you'd be
glad to get rid of me.

No. What about your book?

I've got enough material
for six books if I want.

Oh, Jack, please.

I just don't want to get
hopelessly involved.

You're a little late.
You already are.

So am I.

Why don't you come with me?

With you? Where?

Anywhere. I need you,
and you need me.

We both lived alone long enough.

What's the advantage?

Toothpaste lasts twice as long.

That's all you can say for it.

There's just one problem,

a matter of social convention.

I can't ask you to marry me.

We understand each other.
Why complicate things?

We can't.

I can't, not this way.

I found that out
a long time ago.

This is different, darling.

We're both being
completely honest.

Which means you don't want
to ask me to marry you.

I haven't the nerve.

I'd be a real heel.

You know what you'd be
getting for a husband?

A man who's been a
bachelor all his life,

a gypsy who's never
had a permanent home

since he was a kid and the
pool room burned down.

A man who's not only broke,

but in hock to the government.

Is that the man you
want to marry?

I don't know if I
want to marry anyone.

Then it's a stand-off.

But I do know one thing.

I know.

[Telephone ringing]

Pardon me.

I'll kill whoever it
is and be right back.

Hello.

Yes, operator. Speaking.

Wait! Rosemary!

Don't go!

I...

Yeah? Who?

Austin palfrey, dear lad.

Can you be at the L.A.
airport by midnight?

I've wired you a ticket
for the midnight jet.

You're to be in Washington
first thing tomorrow.

No, Rosemary.

I haven't seen Jack
since yesterday.

I did hear his phone ring.

Was that you?

Dougie, spit that out!

What, Rosemary?

No. His car's not here, either.

Look, honey, I've got to run.

Dougie's eating a
ball-point pen.

Dougie!

Jack?

[Click]

Darling... that's
you, Rosemary...

I had to leave.

Keep this machine
to remember me by.

I hope you'll be as lonesome
and miserable without me.

As I have been every
evening when you left.

There you are, Mr. Niles.

Except for $1,000 or
so, it's all there.

What's all there?

Your money, dear lad.

The cash, stocks, and bonds.

You found wappinger?

Boarding a plane in Mexico City.

That's great. Thank
you, gentlemen.

You'll have to sign a complaint
against him, Mr. Niles.

I don't think so.

I'd have to stick
around for his trial,

and there's something
about courtrooms...

I suppose you're anxious
to return to France.

I'm working on something
more domestic.

Of course...

How the Americans live!

Let the newsreel boys in now.

We'll start the
publicity rolling

on Adams' next bestseller.

I've been back in this country
for some time... in California,

in a housing development in
the San Fernando valley.

I've used an assumed name,

but I've been doing research
for my newest book.

It's based on modern
living in this country.

It's called how the
Americans live.

It's been a fascinating
experience.

I've been amazed at my findings.

I've found a strong,
healthy group.

Of hard-working men and women.

Who not only are
kind and decent,

but go to extremes
to help each other.

Aah!

Rosemary.

Why didn't you tell me
you were coming back?

I didn't know I was going to.

This is awful.

It's not bad from here.

You look alluring,

and I'm proud of
you for one thing.

You didn't pull the bedclothes
up around your neck.

No need to get up.
It's after midnight.

Oh, now, please.

You're beautiful with
your hair shook up.

Don't spoil it.
You're a picture.

Your face isn't full of grease
like a channel swimmer.

Let me get up.

Neither of us planned this.

It was meant to happen.

I didn't mean this to happen.

You're single, female,
and in your right mind.

If you think I'll allow myself

to become entangled with a.J.
Niles...

Oh, so that's it.

Everyone knows who you are, Mr.
Niles.

All you-know-what
broke loose today.

You didn't feel this
way before I left.

I'm the same man.

The same deceitful liar.

I had to lie, but not anymore.

A shattering thing
happened while I was away.

For the first time,
I miss someone.

I had to come back.

Please leave me alone,
and get out of here!

At least now you know the truth.

You can have the bedroom.

Your rent is still paid.

I'll sleep on the couch,

like the men always do
in American movies.

[Clank]

Ooh!

Oh, darn him.

Here.

Well?

Well what?

Aren't you going to
brush your teeth?

Did you come in
just to remind me?

No. I came in to tell you
how despicable you are.

I'm fond of me.

You're the only one who is,

but I'm grateful to
you for one thing.

You brought me
back to my senses.

When I thought you had
disappeared, I was desolate.

I was miserable because I
lost my nerve and ran out.

Now that you're back,

I see what a mistake
it would have been.

I'm not a woman to you.
I'm a Guinea pig.

That's all every female in
paradise is to you, a.J. Niles.

By the same token,

I owe you a vote of thanks.

In the euphoria of recovering
my loot and my identity,

I considered proposing to you.

What a stupid blunder...

At my age,

give up my freedom.

Thanks for snapping
me back to reality.

I'll be out of your life
first thing tomorrow.

Thank you.

[Doorbell ringing]

Who's that?

Quick. In the bedroom.

[Knocking on door]

It's too early for the milk.

[Knock knock]

Just a minute.

May I come in?

No.

I heard your car drive up.

I was so excited, Jack.
Mr. Niles, I mean.

We knew you were somebody.

You just had to be.

No matter what happens,

we girls will stick up for you.

May not be enough, Linda.

[Knock on door]

What's that?

If that's Larry, he'll kill me.

Hide in the bedroom.

No! Not there. Second bedroom.

I knew this house was too small.

[Knocking on door]

You got to come
with me right away.

Where?

To my house, before Leland
finds out I'm here.

What are you talking about?

Ever since Leland found
out you're a.J. Niles,

he thinks we're having...

That we're carrying
on some kind of a...

Please! Come clear my name.

My whole marriage
hangs in the balance.

Stop this drama!

[Doorbell rings]

It's Leland! I got to hide!

Here. Get right in there.

Keep breathing.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, no!

Adam j. Niles!

Welcome to grand hotel.

Why didn't you tell me?

We could have conducted

the most marvelous
experiments together!

Look... put that coat back on!

Where's your tape recorder?

Let's get to work.

I want to be in your book!

Ah! So Mrs. Brown was right!

Wait a minute, jynson.

I won't wait a second,
you libertine.

I'll see you in court...
Both of you!

Ooh...

[Dogs barking]

Linda! What are you
doing in there?

I don't know.

Come here. You're going
to break your neck.

[Doorbell rings]

[Knocking on door]

Wait a minute!

Aah!

Shh! They're all coming.

Over the wall.

Oh!

Can you make it? Go on.

State your name, address,
and occupation, please.

Thomas w. Jynson,
presently residing

in the palm vista hotel.

I'm the developer of paradise.

Paradise?

As I recall, the
book of Genesis...

Paradise village, your honor.

It's a real-estate development.

One of the finest
housing developments

in the broad and
fertile valley...

[Banging gavel]

You won't use this courtroom

for any advertising purposes.

Continue.

Now, Mr. Jynson, isn't it true

that, most regrettably,
you are compelled

to seek this action
against your wife

after numerous instances
of infidelity

with one a.J. Niles...

A man who is known to be...

Pardon me, your honor...

A libertine and a seducer?

Absolutely.

Objection!

We intend to produce evidence

to prove the statement that Mr.
Niles is,

if you'll pardon the expression,

a libertine and a seducer.

[Murmuring]

[Banging gavel]

Order in the court!

Yes, I said I wanted
to be in his book.

I wanted to be a
whole new chapter.

I wanted to be a
whole new book...

How Mrs. Tom cheapskate lives...

Miserably.

A.j. Niles filled my wife's head

with sexy ideas.

I married that woman

because I liked
her empty-headed.

I knew there was
something going on

when I saw how my wife
wrapped the garbage.

Nobody wraps garbage like that

unless there's
hanky-panky going on.

[Bangs gavel]

The poor, dear man was
always trying to help,

like when Camille wanted
to dye her hair red,

and Jack... Mr. Niles...
Told her that dyed red hair

looked so phony and...

Oh! Well...

Your hair doesn't look like
it's dyed, your honor.

I mean, men can't always
be right, can they?

Your home is directly
across the street

from the house Mr. Niles rented?

Right smack.

I've just talked to New York.

I've had to order a second
printing of your book.

From your observations, Mrs.
Brown,

how would you describe Mr.
Niles?

Sex fiend,

pure and simple.

[Murmuring]

Objection!

Sustained.

Mrs. Brown, that's a very
broad and condemning term.

I don't know how else
you'd describe him.

He has only one
thing on his mind.

[Murmuring]

[Bangs gavel]

Have you ever read his
books, madam judge?

Yes, I have.

I've also read the books of h.G.
Wells,

but I wouldn't describe
him as an astronaut.

Confine your testimony
to factual observations.

Very well, your honoress.

Ever since that man

moved into Rosemary's house...

Stop trying to make implications, Mr.
Backett.

My relationship with Dolores
jynson was not experimental.

Then you did find her
physically attractive?

Certainly not.

Did he have to say that?

That is, I didn't find
her unattractive.

What I mean is...

[Judge] Mr. Niles, when you've
finished debating with yourself,

will you please
answer the question?

I'm trying to, your honor.

I found her attractive,

but that did not
motivate my actions.

Now, Mr. Niles,

you heard Mr. Jynson testify

that he saw Mrs. Jynson,

clad only in a
revealing negligee,

nestled in your arms.

Would you explain your
motivation for that?

You see, your honor,

it isn't quite that simple.

There were three other women

in the house at the same time.

Three?

I didn't plan that.

I don't go in for group therapy.

It was one of those
hectic nights.

I can well understand that.

May I make one statement

to clarify this situation?

Clarification would certainly
be in order, Mr. Niles.

There seems to be a public
image of a.J. Niles

as some sort of
wandering Casanova,

to whom the world is
a private boudoir.

In the past, there may have been

some justification for this,

but since I
established residence

at paradise village,

I'm a different man.

For the first time,
I've been in love...

Sincerely, deeply in love.

And because of that,

only one woman has
meant anything to me.

That woman is Rosemary Howard.

Because of my feeling for her,

I couldn't have
possibly indulged

in the activities

of which I've been accused.

I returned from Washington

to marry miss Howard.

Unfortunately, she
turned me down,

but I was truly and still am

deeply in love,

and I hope to persuade her

to change her mind and marry me.

[Murmuring]

[Bangs gavel]

No further questions.

Does counsel for the defense

wish to cross-examine
the witness?

No questions, your honor.

You may step down, Mr. Niles.

Who is your next witness, Mr.
Backett?

I'd like to call miss
Rosemary Howard to the stand.

Do you solemnly swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth?

You've ruined everything. Now
you're just another guy.

And it's about time.

Now, miss Howard,

were you formerly associated

with Mr. Jynson in business?

I was.

Did you resign your position?

No. I was fired.

Will you tell the court why?

Because I refused to evict Mr.
Niles from my house.

Who demanded that eviction?

There was a petition signed

by a number of husbands
in the neighborhood.

That would be exhibit
a, your honor.

[Judge] Is this the
document, miss Howard?

It appears to be.

Now, miss Howard,

that petition makes
several allegations

as to the conduct and
character of Mr. Niles.

Would you deny them
now, under oath?

Well, miss Howard?

May I make a
statement, your honor?

In the interest
of clarification?

Oh, yes.

By all means.

These three divorce cases

are based on a complete
misunderstanding

of Mr. Niles and his motives

and the motives of the wives.

You tell them, Rosemary!

[Bangs gavel]

Order in the court.

Continue, miss Howard.

I know this because I worked
very closely with Mr. Niles

on his notes.

I heard all the conversation
between the girls and Jack...

I mean Mr. Niles...

That night before Tom
jynson came bursting in.

A.j. Niles only wanted to help.

He understood their
frustrations,

their doubts,

and their loneliness.

She's right, your honor!

[Bangs gavel]

Control yourselves!

This is not a pta meeting.

[Clears throat]

Go on, miss Howard.

A woman left alone,

even in paradise,

has to rebuild her pride.

I know Dolores and Tom are very
much in love with each other,

and Mr. Niles was
aware of it, too.

The others felt
that their husbands

were losing interest in them.

But in all this time
in paradise village,

a.j. Niles only wanted to
help, and this is his reward.

Miss Howard, Mr. Niles
is not on trial here.

I know that, your honor,

but he seems to be the
central character.

These men are guilty

of failing to
appreciate their wives.

What's worse, you
didn't trust them.

The truth is, they're
lucky to have women

who care enough to try
and win their affection.

As to Mr. A.J. Niles,

I have only one thing to say.

A few minutes ago, he
stated, under oath,

that his only objective
was to marry me.

And I meant it!

[Bangs gavel]

Then I wish to
state, under oath,

that I have changed my mind,

and I accept his
proposal of marriage.

You're hooked. You're through.

No more experiments.

[Banging gavel]

Order in this court!

Order!

Order in this courtroom! Please!

[A.j.] One of the most
interesting aspects.

Of the institution of marriage
is a rather complex rite,

colloquially referred
to as the honeymoon.

Historians have traced
this romantic ritual.

Back to the days of ancient...

[Rosemary] Ha ha ha!

Historians have traced this...

Mmm...

Oh, those historians.

Ha ha ha!

[Sighing]

[Tape rewinding]