All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.S06E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10.

ADULT ADAM: The '80s gave us countless fad diets and fitness crazes.

FromBody By Jake
toBuns of Steel,
my mom did 'em all.

My dad, not so much.

I just got off the phone
with Dr. Emory.

We need to have
a little pow-wow...

Oh, crap,
here we go.

He got the results
of your blood work back,

and your triglycerides
are over 500!

Wow! That's amazing!
Way to go, Dad!

No, it's a bad thing.

Oh, no!
You're blowing it, Dad!

You and I are going on
a serious health kick,
starting now.

It's called
Sweatin' to the Oldies,

and that is Richard Simmons.

He plays Motown hits,
and you and I

will sweat together
as a couple! Fun!

Getting schvitzy
to old-timey tunes?

That does sound fun!

Bevy, go grab
my walking sneakers

out of the back
of the closet.

What's going on?

Why is Dad standing
as if to participate?

Because your mother
is right.

Today begins
a new me.

Time for Richard Simmons
to take us down
to Funky Fitness Town!

For my beautiful angel,
anything.[LAUGHS]

Since when do you
walk or wear sneakers
or participate in life?

Here's the deal. Every year
after I see the doctor,

your mom forces me to do
some stupid new exercise fad.

Since when?
I've never seen that.

Exactly!

Right before
we start working out,

I bombard your mom
with a year's worth
of compliments.

So you don't compliment
the lady all year long?

No, I save it all
for this very moment.

And it gets her
all flustered and distracted,

and that's when
I ask her out

for a big, fancy
lobster dinner.Why?

Your mom forgets
all about exercising,

and I get to dump ocean meat
into hot butter.

But they list lobster
as market price on the menu.

You say they're vague
on purpose to rip you off.

Oh, it's so worth it, man.
I don't want to exercise.

Okay, there's no way
any of this actually works
in the real world.

Time to shake it,
Mustang Murray!

ADULT ADAM: And so my dad
put his plan into action.

Go easy on me,

because I'm not
in perfect shape
like you are.

Me?

[LAUGHING]
Oh, stop it.

Maybe it's just
your beautiful new haircut?

I didn't think
you noticed.

How could I not?

It looks like
you're wearing a golden crown,

which makes sense
because you're my queen.

And you are
my big, grumbly king.

How about we head downtown
to Bookbinders

for a delicious
lobster dinner?

Well, I better
get outta this spandex

and put on
my sparkliest sweater.

And that is how
you never move your body.

You're not a very good
life partner.

Thank you.

[YELLS]

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM:
It was November 28th,
1980-something.

and I was in a real quandary, thanks to my toy truck.

Sup, nerd.

My Big Trak programmable
robo-truck

went rogue and rolled
into the living room.

Ohh, man.
Not the living room.

Yep. Our living room.

It was my mom's pride and joy.

She kept it
like a pristine museum,

and for us, it was completely off limits.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

Can you
be a heroic big sis

and trot in there
and grab it for me?

Hell no!

You know
that room is off limits

and only used
when Mom wants to entertain

her old, lame-ass friends
on her old,
lame-ass furniture.

Ugh. And don't get me
started on...

The owls.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

You want my advice?
I'd forget the toy truck.
It's gone. Move on.

But I can see it
right there!

This is crazy.
The point of a living room is
to use it for actual living.

I'm going in!
You're a klutz.

If you knock over
any of mom's junk,

you'll be as dead
as those owls.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

Just be my lookout.
All I need is two seconds...

[FLOORBOARD CREAKS]

Someone just stepped foot
in my living room.

Who just stepped
in my living room?

Adam, why'd you just step
in my living room?

I just wanted my thing.

You know the rules.

This room is a treasure

and reserved
only for entertaining

the creme de la creme
of Jenkintown.

I'm just ten steps away.

Lemme grab it and get back
to my childhood.

No!
Those Nikes are filthy.

Now back out of the room
on your own footsteps

so you don't ruin
my priceless Oriental rug
I bought in Jersey.

Priceless?

You mean this funky old crap
is worth, like, actual money?

Of course.

Every piece in this room
has been carefully curated
over my lifetime.

And one day,
it will all be yours.

Wow. Which one
of these eyesores
is worth the most?

Tell me now!

If it's worth cash,
I'll take it.

Just think about all
the Garbage Pail Kids
I can buy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Every museum-quality piece
in this room

is a valuable family heirloom
and can never be sold.

So, if we can't sell them,
how are they valuable?

Because they have
the greatest value of all.

♪♪

Sentimental value.

Boo!
I just wanted
comical trading cards.

Listen, I won't have
my children fighting
over my treasures,

which is why I have
these stickers

with your names
on them.

Just slap a sticker
on whatever brings you joy,
and boom!

This matching chair set
is yours.

Ew! I don't want
that big, ugly chair

and its tiny,
malnourished twin.

I'll give you
a few moments alone
to see what speaks to you.

♪♪

Greetings,
stupid Matt Bradley
and JTP.

TOGETHER:
Stupid Matt Bradley and JTP!

Barry's always ragging on me,
it's the best.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

I've called this meeting
to discuss a very serious
problem.

Ever since I decided
to be a doctor,

I've been learning
a lot about health stuff.

Did you know
diet and exercise

are important
to living a long life?

Rings a bell.
Sure.

You just learned that?

Apparently, my dad's
Tetris-Cyclopses

are outta control,
and I'm worried.

He really
means the world to me,

but how do I
let him know?

Why don't you just,
like, tell him?

With words to his face?

Are you serious
right now?

Just open your heart
and be like, "I love you."

Now, when you say
"I love you,"

do you really mean
not talking to him
for a year,

but he just knows?
No!

I mean,
say the words.

Now, when you say
"Say the words,"

do you really mean
go up to him with
the intent of saying it

and then chickening out
and screaming,

"Stop trying
to control my life!"?

I'm talking about
actual words
or even a hug.

Now, when you say "hug,"
do you really mean
rough horseplay

that ends with me getting
tackled through drywall?

What is going on
in your homes?

Guys, what Matt's
trying to say

is I need to use
a series of lies

to trick my dad
into exercising.

No, that's legitimately
the opposite
of what I'm trying to say.

Let's do it, JTP!

TOGETHER: JTP!

[CHUCKLES]
I'm starting to like you.

This isJeopardy!
Hey, Barry.

You're looking very trim,
fit, and attractive today.

Thank you,
Geoffrey Schwartz.

Would you believe
I got this fit without
exercising at all?

You did not exercise?
But that is impossible!

Not anymore,
thanks to Tommy Lasorda!

What is this?

Why are you morons
acting out a weird play
in front of my TV?

It's not weird, Dad.
It's SlimFast.

Tell me more.
You got it, Andrew.

World Champion
baseball manager
Tommy Lasorda

has conquered
hunger cravings forever.

Hey, I saw that product
advertised on the TV!

I just happen to have that
commercial already in the VCR.

Shall we?

Well, I lost 30 pounds
in three months.

I have a delicious shake
for breakfast...

God, I hate the Dodgers.
Turn it off!

That's Tommy Lasorda?
But he's so sexy!

And you can be
just as sexy.

And I'm so sorry,
Barry made me say this.

You got it, Geoff.
It's not just healthy,
it's delicious.

Fine. If I drink
the damn shake,

will you morons
leave me alone?

I'm not
involved in this.

Not bad.

Hey, I-I don't think
you chug it all at once...

You gotta savor it.
That counts as your lunch.

No, these crab cakes
are my lunch.

No, you drink that
instead of the crab cakes.

So, when do I eat
my crab cakes?

Later, during
your sensible dinner.

But your mom
made lasagna.

Okay, you don't get the shake,
the crab cakes,
and the lasagna.

Well, let's give it a shot,
who knows?

Oh, no! You just added
a ton of milkshakes
into your dad's life.

♪♪

I just love having our
fancy brunch in your
fancy living room, Beverly.

Oh, you're so sweet
to call it fancy, Essie.

But it is.

So fancy.

Not to be
a nosy-Nellie,

but why are there stickers
on everything?

Oh, my sweet Adam and Erica
just can't wait

to claim which of my heirlooms
they want to display

for their friends and family
one day.

Then why is everything
stickered for Barry?

What?

Can't be right.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]
Unbelievable.

I have been collecting
and curating my whole life,
and they want nothing?

My kids don't want
any of my beautiful china.

My dream has always been
to pass down

my priceless
Hummel collection
to my kids,

but they find them
creepy and dead-eyed.

Charles and I would like Chad
to take over the flower shop,

but he'd rather play Nintendo
and drink his precious Pepsi.

If our kids don't want
anything we value,

then why are we saving it
in the first place?

Well, my big game plan
is to get really old and die

and then they have to take it
out of obligation.

Okay, yes, we all agree
your dying would be
the best-case scenario.

But that's not really
something we can explore
as an option right now.

Then what do we do?

If our kids aren't going to
appreciate any of this,
then we will.

Starting tomorrow, I am gonna
sell everything in here
and use the money for me.

No, for us.

I'm gonna buy us all
a cruise to the Bahamas

like that Kathie Lee Gifford
sings and dances about.

Oh!
Go, Bev!

Frentas forever!
[LAUGHS]

All right, I'm home.

Nobody bother me!

Wow! Look who's
fresh from work

and is immediately dropping
his pants at the door.

What the hell,
moron?

Why is there a metal
octopus in my den?

This is a Bowflex,

an all-in-one
total body sculptor

which has been assembled
by the greatest minds
of my generation.

That's us.

Really hoping this bar
isn't crucial in any way.

I don't care what it is,
it's blocking my chair,

and that's where
I do my best sitting.

Starting now,
you only sit in this.

And through the power
of science and pulling,

it will transform your body
into Lorenzo Lamas.

I don't know
who that is,

but I hate his name
and this Moron-Flex thing.

You haven't even
tried it!

Watch as I
flex these bows.

Ah!
You really want
a workout?

Clean this up
and take it out
to the garbage.

[SIGHS] Damn it!

Why won't he fall
for my ingenious traps

of health
and wellness?

Okay, you love your dad,
right?

Just tell him how you feel
and stop with the tricks.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
Barry went and did
the next logical thing.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Coach accepts
your challenge.

Molding your lumpy father
into hardened steel

will forever
be my legacy.

This is a good choice.
I made a good choice.

♪♪

ADULT ADAM: Now that
we rejected our mom's
prized possessions,

she went to the one place
where they would fetch
top dollar.

Okay, our auction begins
tomorrow at noon.

You have the catalogue.
Everything is in it.

I set some preliminary prices
to get the ball rolling.
Any questions?

Yes, many questions,
starting with
what the [BLEEP]?

Oh, wow.

Your pricing
is embarrassingly low.

Okay, well, why don't you
name some prices,

and we'll come
to a happy medium.

And that's exactly
what she did.

You think an umbrella stand
made of pure antique brass
is $50?

No. Try $2,000.

This commode
is one-of-a-kind.

I'll take no less
than $6,802.

This Victorian-style
chandelier

needs all-new
wiring and bulbs

and is
$42,000 American.

Chippendale-style
slant front desk.

It has my son Barry's name
carved in it,

which makes it
$100,000 exactly.

Semi-authentic
Cherry Blossom privacy screen.

I think 1.2 is fair,

but I don't want to
seem unrealistic,

so... 1.1.

This golden
red velvet couch

is the aria of
my personal furniture opera.

I'll accept no less than
$6.5 million.

This is priceless.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

The display of dead owls
is priceless?

See, I bought them
on my honeymoon in London,

and you can't just bring
things like this

back into our country
for disease-control reasons,

so when I was at customs,

I pretended to be
a science teacher

in need of them
for my students.

That can't
possibly be true.

That story is 100% real.

Which is why
this item is so special,

one cannot
put a monetary value on it.

Let me take a stab.
60 bucks?

I hear you, and I'm willing
to go down to $40,000.

ERICA: "Michael Locati
Auction House presents

"The Beverly Goldberg
Million-Dollar Estate Sale"?

Oh, my God!
Is this for real?

Look, $40,000
for our ugly-ass
red garbage couch.

That's my couch
I didn't want!
But now I do!

No, you passed on it,
so now it's mine.

[RUSTLING]
And I will fight you
for it!

Hey. [CHUCKLES]

I wasn't just
standing out here waiting,

but since I am here,
I wanted to let you know

that you're too late
to have my prized heirlooms.

But those belong
to our family!

And soon they'll belong
to wealthy European tycoons.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a Caribbean cruise
to plan with the Frentas.

Those sassy cows
are living high off
our inheritance. Unreal!

Well, I suppose
I do have a few baubles left.

If either one of you
would like to claim them...

Those baubles are mine!
I call all the baubles!

Ohh!

♪♪

Ohh, this is
a big win for me.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Gah!

Mornin',
Murray Goldberg!

You did the right thing
calling in Coach
from the bullpen.

I didn't call anyone.
I did.

Coach is here to
whip us both into shape.

But mostly you.
[CHUCKLES]Ho, yeah.

Now, are you ready to begin
the long, painful journey

to physical perfection?
What do you say?

I say
get out of my house.

Barry said you'd say
those exact words.

But Coach never knows
when to go away,

so pop off that shirt
and let me see what
I'm working with.

Nobody's popping off
anything.

Don't worry.
When I'm done with you,

that shirt's gonna
pop itself off.

Are you ready
to feel the burn?

ADULT ADAM:
Of course he wasn't.

And so my dad proceeded to break down Mellor just like he did with my mom.

You know what, Coach?

Your fiery fitness words
have me pumped up.

Hot dog!
Score!

Bar, go grab my
walking sneakers out
of the back of my closet.

On it!

Just go easy on me.

Clearly, I'm not
in perfect shape like you.

Oh. Well,
I wouldn't say "perfect."

Elite, maybe.

Are you kidding?
They ought to put up a statue
of you in the town square.

Well,
I'm not a vain man,

but if a statue of me
inspired the town

to physical fitness,
I wouldn't object.

Hey, what do you say
we stop off at the buffet

at the Ritz in Center City
and map out a game-plan?

That's the fanciest
breakfast in town.

They put parsley
on every plate,

even the ones
that don't need it.

Your body's
a fine-tuned machine, Coach.

You need to feed it
the best triple-stack waffles

and buttermilk biscuits
in town.

Well, I do allow myself
a cheat day once a decade,

and that day's arrived!

Go warm up the car.

You got it.

Today, we feast!

Hello, and welcome.

Today, we begin with
items from the
Beverly Goldberg Collection.

First up is this unique
red sitting opportunity.

And the bidding begins at...

$40,000.

Anyone?

Anyone?

Tell them
it's a family heirloom.

My grandfather made a horse
carry it across Slovania.

The horse was proud,
but never the same.

Okay. Anyone want to
be a part

of this lady's
upsetting history?

Anyone?
What's happening?

Why is no one getting in
on that bargain
basement price?

You know,
if you really wanted
this to sell,

you would let me
lower the price
to something like $200.

There you go.
$200, going once.

That is
highway robbery!

Essie, quick!
Bid $100,000.

I'm not doing that.
Why?

Honestly, 'cause
that couch looks like
it belongs in a bordello.

Fine. Virginia!
You always do what I say.
Bid right now.

But I don't want to.

This fidgety blond woman
wants to bid $100,000.

I really don't!
No, she really doesn't.

Anyone? Anyone?
Any real bids?
Anyone at all?

I bid $500,000.

Ignore that woman.

And sold for $200!

No! Unsold!

Next up, we have...
Oh, Lord.

I bid $10 million.

I'm taking it all back.
No one touch my stuff.

Happy this is over.

Moving on!

ADULT ADAM:
While my mom's auction
proved to be a bust,

my dad was proving
that even Coach couldn't
whip him into shape.

Ugh. Tummy so full.

I gotta unbutton...

There's the stuff.
Yeah.

What the hell?
Why are you slothing around

with Coach
instead of getting fit?

Gimme another sleeve
of Double Stufs, Mur-Money.

Dude, your dad
ruined Coach Mellor.

It's been one day!
How?

I know how!

You fed him fancy foods
and compliments
like with Mom, didn't you?

I didn't compliment
anyone, moron.

Well,
you said my calves

look like
recently picked coconuts.

Right off the tree.

You leave me
no choice, Father.

It's time I express
my feelings for you

in a totally real
and honest way.

You can do it, Bar!
No! Don't do it, man!

I'm scared,
but there's no going back.I can't watch this.

Prepare to hear everything
that's in my heart.

Okay, I think it's time
for ol' Coach to scoot.

No, you stay!
What's happening?

I want everyone to watch me
openly, directly
communicate with my dad.

What?
Don't do any of that.

This can't be done!
Dad...

Don't say it, man.
...I care about you.

Oh! He said it.
I don't know where to look.

Stop using
those words at me.

You mean everything to me!

Oh!
Don't!

It's too raw.
But I mean it.

No!
That's no way for a son
to talk to his father.

I don't have to sit here
and listen to this crap.

Don't you
walk away from me.

You will listen
to all my loving words!

Why are you doing this?

Go, Murray! Go!
Just listen to me!

I'm worried about you,
okay?

Why? I'm fine.

I just want you to be around
for a long time, okay?

I'm not going anywhere,
moron.

But you can be better,
do better.

I need you healthy
and here with me.

I-I want you
to be at my wedding,

I want you to
hold my baby someday.

I want you to be in my life
for as long as possible
'cause I love you.

ADULT ADAM:
For the first time ever,

my brother truly told my dad
what was in his heart.

Unfortunately, my dad
just couldn't do the same.

I-I don't know what
you want me to say here.

My friends are right.

There really is no use
in talking to dads.

♪♪

ADULT ADAM:
After the big auction
was a bust,

we had to bust our butts
to get everything back home.

Damn it, Adam!
These things are priceless.
Look where you're going.

No way! I can't make
direct eye contact.

They'll come to life
and take me.

Okay, just put it down.
You're being ridiculous.

Can't we just leave them
on the curb?

The owls had a family,
and they deserve
to get closure.

I'm not gonna leave
my most prized possessions
on the curb.

A professional auctioneer
did certify it as trash.

All right, then set it out
with the rest of the trash.

It's all trash!

Honestly,
thank you so much.

That is such a relief.
[CHUCKLES]

No, don't be relieved!
That was supposed to be guilt.

What is wrong
with you two?

What's wrong with you
for thinking

we wanna stock our homes
with golden velvet couches
and creepy owls?

'Cause it's all for you!

One of you is gonna
take the owls.

I don't want an owl!

If I say take the owls, missy,
you're taking an owl!

[SCREAMS]
My God!

Did you just throw
a dead owl at me?

Ha!

Oh, you think
that's funny?

What are you...

How dare you?

How dare you?

Ew!
Forget the owls
and everything else!

You were right.

All my stuff is priceless
to me and nobody else.

No, don't you cry
over your crap we don't want.
That's not fair.

You know
what's not fair?

I've been collecting
this stuff my whole life.

For you.

Mom, we didn't
ask you to.

I know you didn't.

But I need to know
that at some point,

[VOICE BREAKING] you're gonna
have a piece of this family
in your house.

A piece of me.

But you don't want
any of it.

Clean up the owls.

[REO SPEEDWAGON'S
TIME FOR ME TO FLYPLAYS]

Hey.

What's all this?

I'm just fixing up
your body-flex gizmo.

Do me a favor.

Don't have any more
of your dumbass friends
build anything for you.

Okay.

You know, I could always
use a workout buddy.

No.

Worth a try.

Hey, I'm not the kind of guy
who's ever gonna exercise.

But I do want to
be there for you.

I want to see you
get married.

I want to hold your baby.

I want to see you
become a doctor.

I really hope so.

Don't hope.

I'll be there.

And if you're
really worried,

we can go for a walk
every once in a while.Really?

Just let's make sure we talk
about MacGyverand the Eagles.

No more of this, uh,
opening-up-your-heart stuff.

Heart's closed.

It better be.

♪ I believe it's time
for me to fly

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, sometimes it can be hard to be honest with each other.

But when you do
find the courage to open up,

you realize
that telling the truth

is the healthiest way
to communicate.

Cute photo.

That you?

Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]

I thought that couch
was the most beautiful thing
in the world.

I used to fall asleep
with my head in my mom's lap,

dreaming
we were European royalty.

That... Is a really
nice story.

Well, it doesn't
matter now.

Some stranger bought it
and is doing God
knows what with it.

From what I heard,
it's actually being used

as the showpiece
of a living room.

♪ I do believe
that I've had enough

[LAUGHS]

My beautiful red couch!
It's back!

The auction house
gave us the name of
the guy who bought it.

You spent thousands of dollars
to get this back? For me?

Thousands, for sure.

Then let's celebrate.

Make yourselves
comfortable,

and I'll go get us some
Orange Shasta and pound cake!

To eat in here?
But what about
all the crumbs?

I think it's time
we use our living room
for actual living.

♪ I believe
it's time for me to fly-y-y

♪ Time for me to fly ♪

ADULT ADAM: In the end,
there's only one thing

worth passing down
to the people you love,

and that's the memories
you create together.

When you carry them
in your heart,

that's when you can truly fly.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

Hi, folks. It's me, Adam.
I'm back.

What we just witnessed
was how...

[BELL DINGS]

[BELL DINGS]

Here we are
on the red couch

made famous
by tonight's episode,

and I am with the awesome
real Beverly Goldberg.

My kids used to make fun
that my living room

should've been roped off
because it was, like, fancy,

and they weren't allowed
to sit on them 'cause I'd say,

"Oh, you're gonna make
tushy prints on the velvet."

[LAUGHS]

"And you can't
sit on the sofa.
It's just to look at."

It's in mint condition,
if anybody wants it.

I say you just leave it
with Adam.

He's probably freaking
right now.