All language subtitles for The Goldbergs (2013) - 03x02 - A Chorus Lie.

Adult Adam: Back in the day,
I was a ridiculously cute kid.

Yes! I am literally
the coolest man alive!

I'm not bragging. It's just pure fact.

My God, you're so cute!

I just want to scrumple
you up and eat you whole!

But of course, no one stays a kid forever.

Yeah.

You sure about this?

People are gonna know
I'm covering up a zit.

Don't worry, pal.

I'll just tell everyone in
school I pummeled your face.

You're a good brother.

The best.

Here, you got a giant one
forming on your forehead, too.

Maybe I could hide the pimples,
but the rest was hard to mask.

Let's go! Hustle!

This is called scooter ball,

not "sit in the corner
and talk to Kevin" ball.

I began to smell different.

Whoa, Goldfarb!

Wheel it in!

Time for a private huddle!

I'm gonna put this delicately, kid.

You smell like a gym sock's butt.

Uh, thanks.

- You smell like a garlic diaper.
- Thanks?

You smell like egg salad
left in a humidifier.

Thanks.

I assume you don't notice since
you live with that stink 24/7.

Oh, no, I smell it.

There's half a speed stick in my desk.

It's yours now. Be liberal with it.

Coach is on your team here.

That's why I pulled you
aside to avoid embarrassment.

I guess I wish you would have

pulled me aside just a little farther.

I was eating like an
animal and suddenly seeing

every woman I came across in a new light.

You seen my, uh, TV guide

with Sally Jessy Raphael on the cover?

- Mnh-mnh, nope.
- Hmm.

Every woman.

Man, oh, man... those looks

and emotional intelligence to boot?

Whoa.

But worst of all, it
affected my favorite activity

in the world... the annual school musical.

Welcome, Mr. Goldberg.

I have a feeling that
this might be the year

that you finally break
out of the chorus.

["I can do that" plays]

[Voice creaking]
♪ I'm watching sis go pitter pat ♪

♪ Said, I can do that, I can do that ♪

Turns out, I could not do that.

[Sighs]

Well, you, um... you
really... Really sang it.

You sang it.

I know in past years I was upset
when you put me in the chorus.

But I'm thinking this
year, it feels right.

Done. You're in the chorus.

Oh, thank God.

Chorus line, which is a lead!

- But I'm in the chorus.
- Line.

Oh, thank God.

Which means you have a big solo.

- But I'm in the chorus.
- Line.

But did you not hear
the sounds I just made?

Adam, every boy your
age sounds like you.

And, honestly, I don't have
that much to work with here,

so I might as well just give the leads

to the most enthusiastic kids.

- Balls.
- Yeah, balls.

Okay, uh, let's take it from the top.

Sing it with me.

["I can do that" plays]

Both: ♪ I'm watching sis go pitter pat ♪

Try to stay in the key.

♪ I'm watching sis go pitter pat ♪

You're kind of all over the map. Okay.

♪ I'm watching sis go pitter pat ♪

♪ I can do that ♪

You know, it's mostly a dance show,

and you bring a lot of dance energy.

You'll get it. Balls.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was September 30, 1980-something,

and my brother and his
idiot posse, the JTP,

were gearing up for the Homecoming Dance.

What's happening? What is this?

Homecoming's in four days,
so it's time to give my boys

a crash-course lesson on how
to groove like Milli Vanilli.

We all kind of told our dates

that we could dance,
so thank God for Barry.

No. Thank God for Milli.

Vanilli, not so much.

Wait, wait. You choose
Milli over Vanilli?

He's got the body and the moves.

Uh, if he's so great, then
why isn't it Vanilli Milli?

Milli proceeds Vanilli, so suck it.

- You suck it.
- You suck it!

Wow, even you three boneheads
found a date to the dance.

Kind of makes you think, huh?

Like maybe you need a date for once?

What are you talking about? I date.

No, you third-wheel me and Lainey.

Look, the only reason why
I haven't been on a date

is because there's no one
at our school worth dating.

Well, if you want to go
to homecoming with me,

I'll totally drop my foxy lady.

- Your foxy lady's your cousin.
- Second-cousin.

Totally different blood line.

Probably not gonna do stuff, though.

She looks just like me with a perm.

Erica, you know I love
you, but you're kind of

closed off and way too picky.

I mean, stay away from Geoff, obviously,

but you got to give someone a chance.

How is it my fault that
every guy in our school

- is an unbearable moron?
- That's another thing...

You've got to stop
calling everyone a moron.

Morons! You're being too loud!

Find another house to stupid up.

Oh. My. God.

You're just like Dad!

Way to go, Mur-man.

Years of calling everyone
on the planet a moron

has poisoned your daughter's love life

and left her cold and alone.

So you're telling me that
I've raised a daughter

who doesn't want to date
dumbass high-school boys?

I think I've done my job.

Come on. Let us help you find someone.

Go on. Describe your perfect guy.

Well, he'd be a mysterious
handsome outsider

with a trench coat, a sexy voice,

and a thriving acting career

where he plays the
thinking girl's heartthrob.

Dude, you're just
describing Christian Slater.

Seriously? You're a lost cause.

Well, you asked.

Look, if a guy like Christian
Slater walks through that door,

I promise you I will go
with him to homecoming.

Christian Slater, huh?

You want the coolest guy
in the world? You got him.

What's that?

Nothing, I just... Farted.

I... I farted.

I fart... I got to go.

While Geoff was hatching a plan,

I was out of options.

[Gasps] There's my tiny snuggle angel.

Stop it!

I'm not tiny or snuggly or angel-y.

Tough day at the office, kiddo?

The worst. I got the
lead in the musical.

Schmoo, that's fantastic.

That's all you've ever wanted.

Not anymore.

My face is breaking out,
my pits are stinking,

and my voice is very,
very unpredictable.

I finally get the part of a lifetime,

and I'm gonna just humiliate myself.

Ah, yes, the wondrous
journey through puberty.

It's not wondrous. It's awful.

Well, you've come to the right place.

Oh, no.

It's my duty to help you out, baby bro.

Only Big Tasty can guide you

through what many call "the pubening."

No one calls it that.

First, stop washing your face.

You'll go through a very
shiny, greasy couple of months.

But eventually, your natural
oils reach a healthy balance.

- Why does he do this?
- I don't know.

Second, always shave dry
and against the grain,

attacking the follicles in
a jerky, zig-zag pattern.

And third, never use deodorant.

That's just something
that big corporations

made up to take your money.

Simply apply a healthy layer
of vaseline to the armpit

and let it seal in the stink.

- He's still going.
- He means well.

Think of me as a resource.
I'm here for you, bro.

Thank you, Boopie. So helpful.

Forget everything you just heard.

If anyone understands what
you're going through, it's mama.

No offense, Mom, but you have
no idea how hard this is for me.

Please, I've watched two children

go through the pubening. [Chuckles]

Heck, I even went through it
myself at the tender age of 9.

It wasn't ideal.

They used to call me "Booberly."

But this is just something all of us

had to suffer through on our own.

Now you will, too.

Or... Completely skip over.

Hmm?

With my guidance, I'll
take this horrible time

and make it smooth, easy,
and maybe a little bit fun.

Are you actually saying you
could save me from puberty?

No! She can't.

Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying.

At this point, I got nothing to lose.

Show me what you got, lady.

While I put my faith in my mother,

Geoff Schwartz put his in Christian Slater.

[As Christian Slater]
Greetings and salutations.

Lovely home you got here.

What's going on? Why are
you talking like a jackass?

[Normal voice] Erica said she wanted

a Christian Slater, so here I am.

I know it's a long shot,

but I just think your
daughter's amazing.

And if you approve, I'd love
to take her to homecoming.

Erica!

You've got a gentleman suitor.

You're one of the good ones, Mr. G.

- Erica: A gentleman what?
- [Footsteps approaching]

[As Christian Slater]
Greetings and salutations.

I was just skateboarding by,
gleaming the cube and whatnot.

Thought we could go grab a slushie.

Oh, my God, are you trying to impress me

by acting like Christian Slater?

- Is it working?
- No.

And your clip-on
earring just popped off.

[Normal voice] Okay, look, I-I just...

I think you're great, okay?

I have since, like, second grade.

Now, I know I made
promises to my cousin,

but maybe we could go
to homecoming together?

Oh, Geoff, this was sweet,

but I have a pretty
firm "no moron" policy.

- Question... am I in that category?
- For sure.

Uh, so, um... Okay, so I'll
put you down for a "maybe."

God, what a putz. Am I right?

At that moment, my dad
realized that perhaps

his judgmental nature may
have rubbed off on his daughter.

And he decided to do something about it.

Wow, who knew so many interesting

and attractive young
men went to this school?

They're okay, I guess.

Yeah, lots of fellas who look like

they'd be worth getting to know.

I should put myself out there more.

Oh, look at that one
with the stylish scarf

and the sketchbook... a
poet and an artist, I bet.

That's Dan. [Chuckles]

He's shy, but I think I
could crack open that nut.

Hey, how about that hot shot?

Is he a swimmer? He's
built like a swimmer.

Look at those shoulders.
He swims, for sure.

Will you shut up?

I'm not even talking to you.

Well, I certainly hope
you're not talking to me.

Hey, take it from someone
who doesn't like people.

If you close yourself off,
you're gonna miss out on a lot.

- So my dad wants me to date more?
- It's homecoming!

There's got to be a nice guy
somewhere who deserves a chance.

You're right!

I'm gonna go ask Dan
to sit with me at lunch,

see what makes that guy tick.

[Groans] Thanks, Dad.

Yes, this is amazing!

Your dad actually provided
you with real wisdom for once.

Chill, I didn't say I
was going to the dance.

I just said I would consider
it if an idiot asked me.

Got it. We'll play it cool
and casually spread the word.

Attention, entire school!

This is Erica Goldberg, and she will go

to homecoming with
anyone willing to ask.

Barry, sit your ass down right now.

Uh, to clarify, she's
not a desperate loser.

She's just super closed-off,
and the door's open a crack. [Chuckles]

Which reminds me, Dan,
we're hanging out after school.

I-I have a dentist appointment, bro.

Cancel it! We're
building something here!

Get down.

Subtle. Thank you.

Well, the good news is now
we can just sit back and wait.

Well, don't hold your breath. [Scoffs]

[Smooth jazz plays]

'Sup?

Hi.

I'm Johnny Atkins.

Heard you needed a date to homecoming.

Sure, I guess.

You ever been out with a first chair

- in the school band before?
- No.

Well, it's everything you ever imagined.

I'll phone you... saxophone you.

We're gonna have fun.

[Saxophone plays]

Dude's confident, I'll give him that.

You've got a date to the dance.

Everybody's happy,
and it all worked out.

What did I miss?

We met a first chair in the school band.

While Erica landed a date,

I landed a seat at the
Gimbels makeup counter.

What kind of sorcery is this?

My giant zits are gone!

Mama made you a promise.

Now your adorable punim is
ready to light up that stage.

Just one problem... my singing voice.

My mom couldn't fix that.

That is, until some news
broke that shook the country.

They've become international stars.

But behind the braids and break-dancing,

it's been discovered that Milli Vanilli

neither sang on their
albums nor at their concerts.

That's unreal. They fooled everyone.

Yes, they really did.

And maybe you can fool everyone, too.

What are you talking about?

Say that again only
just mouth the words.

What are you talking about?

Did that look as good as it felt?

Better! [Gasps]

Problem solved, love bug!

We're gonna Milli Vanilli the
[Bleep] out of that musical.

My dad suggested that Erica

take a chance on someone.

Unfortunately, that someone was this dude.

Yo. Is Erica here?

Yo. She's upstairs. Who are you?

Johnny Atkins. Yeah.

That Johnny Atkins.

I'm her dad.

Yeah, that dad.

Mind if I just head up?

Actually, I do.

Zang! Atkins likes.

All right, can I talk to you

in the other room away from this person?

Sure. Oh.

Who the hell is that?

It's my date to the dance on Saturday.

He wanted to hang.

That kid's your date? He's a moron.

Well, you're the guy who told
me to give the morons a chance.

- But I meant other morons.
- What other morons?

Nice morons! Morons like that Geoff kid.

Schwartz? He's a moron.

They're all morons!
That's what I'm saying.

But any other moron is
better than that moron.

This is ridiculous.

I took your advice,

but you don't get to
actually choose who I date.

- My dad's plans for Erica may have fallen apart.
- [Sighs]

But my mom's plan for me only needed

to get past one person for it to succeed.

Susan, I really appreciate you agreeing

to see me on such short notice.

Technically, I didn't agree.

You just barged in during third period

and yelled "class dismissed."

Point is, I understand
you're putting together

a cast for this year's musical,

and it's presented some challenges.

It's a real suck show.
Uh, you're gonna be great.

I won't be, but that's sweet to say.

Well, what if I had a way
to solve your problems,

a way to make this your biggest hit yet?

Mrs. Goldberg, we have been
through this in the past.

You can't be in the musical.

No, no, I... I've come to accept that.

I'm talking about a
different approach entirely.

Have you heard of this
Milli Vanilli scandal?

[Voice breaking] Big fan. It hit me hard.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But what if someone
could do the same thing

only without making the
same sloppy mistakes?

Are you actually suggesting

that Adam lip-sync his songs in the show?

God, I guess hearing it out loud,

it really does sound
insane, even for me.

- Screw it. I'm in.
- Really?

I'll get all the kids to do it.
I mean, what choice do I have?

None. Yay.

- Yay.
- [Voice cracking] Yay!

- Mouth it.
- Yay!

- [Saxophone plays]
- [Chuckles]

Hey, Johnny.

- Yo, looking forward to Saturday night.
- Me too.

So I'll pick up Carla first,

be at your place around 7:00, cool?

Cool. [Chuckles]

Wait, what?

Yeah, I'm also giving
her a ride to the dance.

And she can hang out with us.
And dance with us.

Are you taking both of us to the dance?

Classic Johnny Atkins, am I right?

How could you not see this coming?

Because I have no idea who you are,

other than an oddly confident band geek.

Shows what you know.

Band geek in front,
rock God in the back.

Are you seriously okay with this?

No, but I really feel
like I can fix him.

But she can't, so what do you say?

What do you think she
says? Hit the bricks, bro.

Dude, I will punch you in the eyeball.

Erica, help me. He's serious.

[Sighs] You know what, Johnny?

That's a firm "no" to your creepy offer.

Your loss.

Hey, Debbie Gordon, you got
a date to homecoming yet?

[Saxophone plays]

Oh, man, that was so sweet of me, huh?

So if it's looking like you're
free Saturday night, then...

I'm not going to the dance, Geoff...

not with anybody.

♪

♪ I stuff her shoes with extra socks ♪

♪ run seven blocks ♪

♪ in nothing flat ♪

♪ and I can do that ♪

♪ I can do that ♪

This is incredible.

My grandson's a superstar.

♪ I'm watching sis go pitter pat ♪

♪ said, I can do that ♪

♪ that, that, that ♪

♪ that, that, that, that,
that, that, that, that ♪

My God, he's repeating himself.

You can do what? What can you do?

Finish the thought.

Dad, he's fine. Just
working out some kinks.

Wait, so you actually
weren't doing anything?

"Not doing anything?"
Didn't you see this?

Bevy, you can't let him go

through with this cockamamie scheme.

Well, actually, it was my idea.

Oh, God. Why?

Pops, I can't go onstage and
completely embarrass myself.

Just do your best!

You're the same great
kid you always were.

Listen to me. Do I
sound like the same kid?

Do I look like the same kid?

No. I'm not him.

I'm... Whatever this is.

And if Mom can make it
better, I'm gonna let her.

[Footsteps depart]

Don't give me that look.

As his mother, it is my
job to make this all better.

But you can't.

All you're doing is making it worse.

You're turning him
into someone he's not.

[Footsteps approaching]

I forgot my foundation,
rouge, and powder puff.

Good day to you, sir.

Adam: The biggest night of my middle-school

theater career had
arrived, and the only one

more nervous than me was my smother.

Okay, let's warm up.

I have the recording of
the New York City boys choir

doing scales, so show me what you got.

♪ Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do ♪

Oh, very good, very
good. Move those lips.

- No sounds!
- ♪ Ti, la, sol, fa, mi, re, do ♪

Adult Adam: Watching
us Milli Vanilli our way

through the warm-up scales,

- my mom realized pops was right.
- ♪ Do, re, me, fa, sol, ti ♪

- ♪ do, ti, la... ♪
- Okay, Susan.

- We need to talk.
- Sorry, show starts in five.

No, you can't do this.
It's wrong, and you know it.

What are you talking about?

This whole thing was all your idea.

Those people out there... they want to see

"A Chorus Line," not "A Chorus Lie."

I'm so confused by
your moral high ground.

Again, this was all you.

Mom, it's fine.

This recording is gonna blow

the freaking roof off this place.

And so are you with your own voices.

Yes, they are creaking and cracking.

And, yes, your foreheads
are very shiny, all right?

And you take insanely long showers,

but it doesn't matter

because you're all just as
amazing as you always were.

I don't feel amazing.

You? What's your problem?

Oh, you heard my voice.

Who cares?

I got bacne, dude. Crazy bacne.

So? I sweat constantly for no reason.

I-I'm sweating right now, and
it's like 50 degrees in here.

I've got a weird thing
for Sally Jessy Raphael.

See? None of you are alone.

You're all going through something

that everybody has to suffer through.

Come on. Who's with me?

Screw it.

Let's go out there and give them

the best worst musical
the school has ever seen.

Adult Adam: And so we sang it.

We really sang it.

And it wasn't pretty,
but it was definitely us.

[Voice creaking]
♪ Kiss today goodbye ♪

♪ The sweetness and the sorrow ♪

All: ♪ Wish me luck ♪

♪ The same to yo-u-u-u-u ♪

Sure, growing up is hard
and awkward and embarrassing.

But if you're lucky, you
just mind find the courage

to sing your way through it...

[Voices cracking]
♪ What I did for love ♪

...or have someone talk you through it

- when you least expect it.
- Hey, peanut.

I, uh, heard about
the kid with the hair.

So, uh, you're not
going to the dance, huh?

Honestly, I hate dances.

And the nice thing about being alone

is that there's no
one here bothering me,

acting like a moron.

Oh, my God, Barry's right.

God, I'm just like you.

Sorry.

I get it.

But there's hope.

- Why?
- Well, things work out.

I met your mom.

She sees the best in
everybody, even a grump like me.

All I'm saying is just
give people a chance.

Don't be a moron.

'Cause as hard as it is to grow up,

it's even harder to go through it alone.

And when you open up and
put yourself out there,

you'll be surprised where it leads.

Erica, hi!

[As Christian Slater]
Greetings and salutations.

[Normal voice] You busy?

Uh... Not really.

I was just waiting for
my cousin to call back.

I thought maybe we could still
make the end of the dance.

Well, I was thinking maybe
we could hang out instead.

No way.

- As friends.
- Yeah, no.

Let's not put a label on it.
Let's... mm-hmm.

So, what do you say
we go grab a slushie?

[Chuckles]

- ♪ Won't forget, can't regret... ♪
- Mm, check this out.

Gleaming the cube.

- What does that even mean?
- No one knows.

- [Grunts]
- [Laughs]

Oh, my God, Geoff, are you okay?

No, not a new one. It's
photo day at school.

- You came to the right place.
- No, get out!

I don't want any of
your terrible advice.

Dude, I'm a pimple pro.

You got to pop that thing immediately.

Everyone says not to pop it.

Look at this flawless skin.

It's like baby Italian marble.

Would you rather have a
pizza face or a Barry face?

Fine. I'll just pop the thing.

Oh, I got to get this on film.

Come on.

Let's get a close-up of that zit.

Hey, why are you covering it?

Don't feel so embarrassed.

Let me see that zit.
Come on... for memories.

Let's get a close-up of that zit.

He's covering his mouth

'cause he doesn't want
anyone to see his zit.

- [Laughs]
- [Bell dings]

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com