Original subtitles

This was a good idea.

It's been a long time since we've had girls' night.

Yeah, it's so nice to have a relaxing evening at home doing nothing.

Yeah, really breaks up the other 30 days I've spent on bed rest doing nothing.

Well, tonight, we're gonna make you forget all that.

You're gonna make me forget I've been stuck in bed...

...while a baby uses my bladder as a kickball?

Hey, you had unprotected sex with Howard.

You deserve to be miserable.

Hey, I need some fashion advice.

Really? From me? I would love to...

Actually, Leonard told me Penny was over here?

Hey, what's going on? You got a date?

I do have a date. With science.

Oh, what's science wearing?

The Griffith Observatory is looking for an astrophysicist to consult,

and I have an interview tomorrow.

Oh, I love the observatory.

They tell you your weight on all the different planets.

Yeah. It's always bikini season on Venus.

I think you'd be great at that.

Don't you agree, Bernadette?

I'm listening. I'm listening.

I'm not watching The Crown.

I just want to make a good first impression,

and thought maybe you could help me pick out an outfit?

Of course. Let's see what you got.

Yeah, you just need to pick something that you feel confident in.

I'm sorry. I left my magic clothes at home.

I'm sure these two options will be...

So, you have other clothes at home?

Uh, it doesn't matter. They're talking to a bunch of people.

I probably won't get it anyway.

Well, don't say that.

Yeah, you have to believe in yourself.

You know, before I came to America, I was filled with confidence.

What happened to me?

Hey, is that Raj there at girls' night?

Well, hey. Hey, Howard.

Just remember, if you fall asleep first, they're gonna freeze your bra.

You and Amy having fun planning your wedding?

We're employing a mathematical approach called decision theory.

So, heck, yeah.

Heck, yeah?

Looks like someone need to put a dollar in the almost-swear jar.

We've assigned all wedding decisions randomly,

and each of us makes half of them.

You know, from venue to officiant...

...to numbering system for the tables.

Roman or Dewey Decimal.

Why not hexadecimal?

'Cause this is our wedding, not a joke.

-Hey, guys. -Hello.

Oh, good. Raj is here to tell us today's specials.

Very funny. I have my interview this afternoon.

Oh. If it doesn't work out, you're ready to go on your Mormon mission.

I don't understand what's going on here.

Oh, what's going on here is I'm up for a job at the planetarium,

and Howard is making fun of me.

Oh, that's great. You're both doing what you love.

-Well, I'm excited for you. -Oh, thanks, yeah.

I'd be in charge of developing and narrating all the planetarium shows.

And I really want this,

so it wouldn't kill you to be more supportive.

But if it did, you could bury me at the funeral home you direct.

Wait. The premise is that he is dressed differently?

Yeah.

That's true. He is not dressed the same.

-Hey, Dad. -Hello, Rajesh.

How was the interview?

Uh, not so great.

They asked me what my biggest weakness was,

and 45 minutes later, they thanked me for coming.

Son, don't take this the wrong way, but what's your problem?

I would tell you, but apparently, it takes 45 minutes.

You know what?

I bet it's those friends you surround yourself with.

Like that Howard, always making fun of you.

Howard doesn't mean anything by it.

I think it's cultural.

His people come from a very sarcastic village called Brooklyn.

Don't make excuses.

What kind of friend acts that way?

-Well, I guess... -It was a rhetorical question.

A bad friend!

Come on, Dad! That's just our relationship, okay?

He makes Indian jokes, and I laugh,

but, you know, with angry eyes, so he knows it's not okay.

I, too, was in a relationship...

...with someone who made me feel bad about myself.

If you're talking about Mom, I don't want to hear it.

I'm just saying...

If you replace Howard with a nice 22-year-old grad student,

your self-confidence will soar.

All right, Amy, you're up.

Next decision.

Come on, first dance!

Come on, first dance!

Invitations!

That's a good one.

Just a suggestion...

Hologram projected out of R2-D2.

Thanks for your input, but this is my decision,

and I'm gonna go with...

...Old English calligraphy on Egyptian papyrus.

What a fun mashup.

It's like the chicken and waffles of orthography.

Your turn.

Ring bearer!

Boy, I'm so glad that R2-D2 is still available.

You know, this is really fun.

I can't believe that people say that planning a wedding...

...is one of the most stressful things in life.

I know. Not a day goes by that I don't marvel

...how much better we are than other people.

I'm so sorry the interview didn't go well.

Yeah, you would've been perfect for it.

Oh, I just get so nervous,

and then I start apologizing for being nervous, and...

You guys don't want to hear about this. I'm sorry.

-Stop apologizing! -Oh, my God!

You sound just like the woman at the interview!

Have you ever thought about talking to some kind of therapist about all this?

Maybe.

Hey, Leonard, do you think your mom would be available?

Yeah, you don't want to do that.

Talking to my mom to get more confidence...

...is like talking to a lion to get more alive.

Well, my dad thinks it's because Howard's always making fun of me.

That makes sense.

Well, what do you mean, that makes sense?

Howard does make fun of him a lot.

Well, that's not all Howard's fault.

I mean, if Raj doesn't want to be made fun of, then I...

I don't know a nice way to finish this sentence.

Well, so you're on his side?

I'm just saying, that's what friends do. You know, they bust on each other.

It doesn't mean anything.

Well, I'm not surprised you think so.

Why is that?

Well, you can be kind of mean to me.

Well, that's because you're...

I don't know how to finish that sentence, either.

You know what? I think we're both done being disrespected.

I got a few rounds left in me.

Attaboy, champ.

Okay, let's see what we've got so far.

I arrive in a Little House on the Prairie style horse-drawn buggy.

Where you are met with an honor guard of stormtroopers.

Do you think that might be jarring,

going from wholesome pioneers to space Nazis?

I see what you're saying.

You're thinking that you should arrive...

...in a replica of Luke Skywalker's landspeeder.

It's not what I'm thinking.

And to save you the trouble for the future,

it will never be what I'm thinking.

Well, if the ushers are so important to you,

what if I propose a trade?

You may pick that, and I will decide, say, first dance.

Great. Then the ushers will be...

...my cousins dressed in frontier frock coats.

And the first dance will be, that we won't have one.

All right. Then our...

...second dance will be the first dance.

Unless we have no dance at all.

Well, if we're changing things,

then instead of throwing confetti,

we'll release butterflies.

Airborne worms? Have you lost your mind?

Well, if you're going to do that,

then I am changing the officiant to that husky Spider-Man...

...that hangs out at the Chinese Theater.

Fine.

Wedding toasts in Latin.

Great. Vows in Klingon.

Then I'm changing the flower girl to a dog.

And guess what he'll be scattering instead of petals!

Want to grab some lunch?

You know what? I don't think so.

Well, let me guess.

You're not eating because the mean girls circled your chubby bits in marker?

No. That. That right there. That's the reason.

You're always making fun of me.

Those are just jokes.

It's my way of saying that we're friends,

and it wouldn't hurt you to drop a few!

See?

No wonder I don't have any confidence.

Come on. You can't blame that on me.

Why not?

Fifteen years of constant ridicule.

I think our relationship has become toxic.

What are you saying?

I think you and I need to spend some time away from each other.

Look, I...

I can see you're upset, but...

...I'm gonna need some ground rules.

I mean, while we're apart, can I see other needy Indian men?

Get out!

What do you think will make the wedding worse for Amy?

A cake made with salt instead of sugar...

...or a cake iced with congealed gravy?

That is a trick question.

The answer is, you as the groom.

Neither of them will be the actual cake.

I'm just using it as a bargaining chip...

...to get Amy to agree to the whole wedding party getting rings...

...and us getting one ring to rule them all.

I forget, which mental hospital are you guys registered at?

-Hello. -Hello.

Really?

You're not gonna sit here?

I'll sit there as soon as you leave.

You're still on this? I said sorry.

Well, "sorry" doesn't make up for years of emotional abuse.

What's it gonna take?

You want half my sandwich?

What is going on?

Raj is trying to blame me for his pathetic life.

His life isn't pathetic.

He's got that whole table to himself.

One of us should go sit with Raj so he's not alone.

But I'm not done telling you about my wedding revenge plans.

You're right. Go on.

Okay, well, first, I'm going to try to get Amy...

...to trade with me for hors d'oeuvres...

Oh, good, you're here.

I've decided on our centerpieces.

I just hope your family isn't allergic to asbestos.

Sheldon, please stop.

If we keep doing this,

we're gonna end up with a wedding that neither one of us will enjoy.

Are you saying you don't want to get married?

No, of course I do.

But that seems to be the one thing we can agree on.

Maybe we should just get married at City Hall...

...and forget about everything else.

City Hall...

I do like metal detectors...

...and the sound of permits being denied.

Right.

And if we're not enjoying planning this wedding,

then what's the point?

Well, historically,

a wedding was to let other potential suitors know...

...that we're unavailable.

But I think matching T-shirts that say...

..."Hands off the merchandise" accomplish the same thing.

So let's pick a day and just go do it.

How about tomorrow?

Really? That soon?

Why wait?

I mean, it's not that I think we're living in sin,

but I do like the idea that our next act of intimacy...

...will be a legal requirement.

Tomorrow, we'll go downtown and get married.

Or we could go to Beverly Hills City Hall...

...if you want a destination wedding.

Hey, you look good today.

What happened? What's wrong?

Just tell me. I can take it.

Nothing. I felt bad about being mean to you, so I'm being nice.

Oh, okay. Sorry. I wasn't ready for it.

Try again.

You look handsome.

Nope, still freaking me out.

-Hello, friends! -Hey.

Hey, what's going on with your hair?

Uh, nothing. I just decided to stop straightening it.

Wait, so you were making your hair look like that on purpose?

When I first moved to America, I wanted to fit in.

And Howard's hair was straight, and he was the coolest person I knew.

Then you never saw any other people?

You know what, I don't want to talk about Howard.

I came here to celebrate! Yeah.

I went back to the planetarium and told them...

...they were making a huge mistake, that I'd be perfect for the job.

I was... I was charming, I was confident.

-And they gave it to me. -Wow.

That's amazing!

Yeah, plus, it turns out, the guy they hired...

...got busted at a sketchy massage parlor.

Oh, so happy ending for you!

Oh, and for him.

Yeah, I was on my way to tell Howard,

and then I remembered I wasn't speaking to him,

so I came over here.

Don't you think it's time you two made up?

No. No.

Actually, I don't need his negative energy in my life right now.

Standing up to him was hard,

but it made me realize that I can do anything.

And, yeah, it's a little sad, but, you know,

life is all about...

Sorry. I thought you were wrapping things up.

-Hey, Howard. -Hey.

Where is everybody?

I could ask you the same question.

Wow, this conversation got mean fast.

Sorry. I'm just in a bad mood.

Yeah? What's going on?

I had a falling out with Raj.

He said I make fun of him too much and that it's wrecked his confidence.

Please, confidence is like red blood cells.

Nice if you got some, but you don't need them.

Yeah. I mean, your life's a mess.

I don't see you blaming other people for it.

That's right. I grew up in a loving, supportive household.

This is all on me.

Maybe I'll just hang out here for a while.

Great. And you can make fun of me all you want.

No, that's okay.

No, no, no. Go on. I can take it.

My feelings, like my extremities, are basically numb.

Here's your license.

Now, if you wait over there, we'll call you when the officiant's ready.

-Do we need a blood test? -No.

Well, then, how will you know whether or not we have syphilis?

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you don't have that.

Okay, Sheldon, you officially exceeded the number of times...

...I hoped to hear the word "syphilis" on my wedding day.

I can't believe we're doing this.

I know. I'm getting married.

The new "Star Wars" movie's coming out.

We are really finishing this year strong.

Okay, but of the two of...

You know, I'm not even gonna ask. I'm not gonna ask.

Are you sad we're not having a big party?

I'm really not.

I'm here with you. It's perfect.

Cooper-Fowler? You're up.

Can you believe it?

We're about to walk in that door, Dr Cooper and Dr Fowler,

and walk out as a married couple,

Dr Cooper and Dr Fowler.

Wait.

I want to have a first dance with you.

Right here?

At our wedding.

-This is our wedding. -No.

I want a real wedding.

Well...

Sheldon, it was just making us fight.

I know. But...

Amy, I never thought I'd want to marry anyone.

So, the fact that I found you is astonishing.

It's like finding dark matter.

Except they're looking for dark matter. I wasn't even looking for you.

So you're even better than dark matter.

-Sheldon. -Plus, plus...

You interact with light, so I can see you.

And, also, you don't account for the missing mass in the universe. Oh, and...

Okay, I think you're getting caught up on the ways I'm not like dark matter.

Right. Sorry.

But when you make a discovery like this...

...you don't just take it down to City Hall.

You tell the whole world.

And so I'll say it in Latin or Klingon, or smoke signals,

if that's not cultural appropriation.

-It is. -Okay, so not smoke signals.

But I want to do this right.

Me, too.

Let's go plan a wedding.

You know, we did get dressed up and come all the way to City Hall.

What are you thinking?

I have always wanted a permit to dispose of hazardous waste.

Let's do it.

Do we know if there's life in the methane plumes of Enceladus...

...or under the icy surface of Europa?

Come back on Tuesday for my next show to find out.

Spoiler alert, we don't.

I'm Dr Rajesh Koothrappali, and thank you for taking a walk with me...

...through the stars.

Wow. I never knew science could be so interesting.

Hey, I talk to you about science all the time.

Oh, you sure do, sweetie.

Should we go congratulate him?

I'll do better than that. I'll give him constructive criticism.

Here's some constructive criticism.

Don't.

-I'll catch up with you guys. -Okay.

-Raj, you were terrific! -Oh, thank you.

I was so nervous, my armpits are like a swamp.

Oh, your hug just got downgraded to a high five.

Your palms are sweaty, too.

Hey. What are you doing all the way in the back?

Hiding out.

I wasn't sure if I was welcome.

This is ridiculous. You guys are best friends.

Of course he wants you here.

You sure? He seems to be doing pretty well without me.

Look, he was just stressed out.

His life is not better without you. Come on. Come say hi.

Okay.

Dr Koothrappali, I just wanted to tell you that was amazing.

-Uh, counterpoint... -To the car.

-Can I ask you a question? -Of course you can.

Ooh, that went well. Ask me another.

I think I'm just gonna go.

If there is life beneath the surface of these planets,

how would we even detect it?

Uh, that's a complicated question.

Let me start with a simpler one.

Can I buy you a coffee?

Also a complicated question.

Because I want to say yes, but if I drink coffee this late,

then I'll be up all night.

Decaf, genius.

I would love to.