Original subtitles

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, yeah ♪

- Liza! Liza, come here, quick!

What is it?

- The curators for the Whitney Biennial just called!

I've been chosen for their next show!

- Oh, my God!

- It's like the Super Bowl of the art world.

It finally happened! - Oh! Whoo-hoo!

- They're gonna announce it tonight at a cocktail party.

Is it too early for champagne?

- Mimosas are breakfast-y.

- Let's just hold the OJ.

- Yeah! - Yes!

Whoo! Okay.

♪ ♪

- "ARTnews" is reporting that

Maggie Amato is a last-minute edition

to the Whitney Biennial.

Isn't she your roommate? - Yes.

There's a cocktail party tonight.

- I know, Liza. I'm a Fellow.

I'd bring you, but I have a date.

- Yes.

I'm bringing a blue collar companion to a black tie event.

Well, at least I'll finally meet this Maggie.

- Finally. Yay.

- Morning, Diana. Liza.

- Um, table any marketing plans

for Chrissie Hart's memoir.

We still don't have pages.

I loved her music.

- The, uh, pitch was so extraordinary.

Maybe we got blinded by the bidding war.

- I mean, since Chrissie missed her delivery date,

we could claim breach of contract and walk away.

- A rock and roll tell-all from Chrissie Hart?

This could be the next "Just Kids."

- I don't want to lose this book.

Let's--let's set up a Skype call.

- "Let's" means you.

- Yes.

♪ ♪

- We need to see pages, Chrissie.

What stage are you at?

Whole thing.

I swear to God, I just, like,

punctured the skin,

and it came oozing out of me.

- Well, can you...

sop it up and email it?

What, are you high?

I'm not sending this on the internet.

I don't trust the internet.

Those naked pictures of me,

those were leaked.

Nothing is safe.

Julian Assange told me that.

I mean, he was out of his mind at the time,

but he made some pretty solid arguments.

- Yeah, now you're talking, man.

Why don't you send Charles?

Charles, huh?

I would like to hand my baby,

my book, to the man I made the deal with.

- Of course.

I'll come up to Shelter Island today.

- All right.

- See you in a bit.

- Charles, I will cancel my plans,

brave the deer ticks, and accompany you.

I know a very quaint bed and breakfast.

We can bike to Chrissie's house.

- I can handle it, but, uh...

this book better be good.

- Thoughts on Jake's first chapter?

- You first.

- How can Obama's speech writer,

with the skills to evoke passion and pride,

write this snooze fest?

- It definitely needs work.

If the rest of his book reads like this,

we're screwed.

All right, let's get him on the phone.

- Okay, you're too fired up.

I will email him notes.

- He's been to Afghanistan. He can handle a call.

- Hey, I was just thinking about you.

I just checked into the hotel.

- Jake, um, it's Kelsey and Zane,

your editors. - Uh, oh, hey.

Sorry, I thought this was somebody else.

What

- We're calling to discuss your chapter.

It's--it's a solid start, and we both--

- You're a busy man, so let's cut to the chase.

It needs more energy.

Humor, scandal. All right?

We're competing with Russian hookers and golden showers.

- Uh...okay.

Uh, Kelsey, what do you think?

- I--I think Zane's right.

It could benefit from some insightful observations

paired with cherry-picked anecdotes

about your time spent in the White House.

- Wh--what we're saying is,

goose this shit up.

Right now, it's meek and kind of bland.

- I don't really like your tone, Zane.

- I don't like your chapter.

- Jake, we're gonna call you back.

You realize you're not getting paid

to lose authors here, right?

- I'm playing bad cop, all right?

You're too easy on him.

- Let me carry the ball here.

Trust me. I know how to handle him.

This book is all I have right now.

- Then let me do my job.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Chrissie?

- Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's good. No, no, no. Not too much.

Dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude.

That was so intense.

I mean, oh, my God.

Hey, man. How you doing?

- Hi.

Thank you for the, uh, the invitation.

- Oh, yeah. My pleasure, man.

Thanks for coming out. - Yeah.

So I would love to return to the city

with the book tonight, so-- - Wait, can I--

before we talk business,

I need your honest opinion about something,

because my people are never straight with me.

- Um, sure.

- I want you to taste my booch.

Your boo...

Mirna!

What did I say?

When the guests appear,

freshly brewed Kombucha tea.

Check it out.

- Thank you.

- Strong.

All right, dude. Hit me.

Ten more hertz. Ease me into it.

Oh, God. Ahh-rah!

♪ ♪

This is next-level, Mags.

You have officially arrived.

- I am so proud of you.

♪ ♪

I don't know, I--

I guess I just stopped dreaming about this, you know?

It's always been someone else's turn,

and now it's finally mine.

It doesn't feel real.

- It's real, and you deserve it.

- Oh, thank you.

- Aww, get in on it.

- Love you guys.

And you, Liza,

you bought my first piece, you and David.

Back when he had some money.

God, he hated it.

But it just made me love it more.

- Liza!

- Who is that woman screeching at you?

- Uh, that's Diana.

Oh, that's Diana.

Now I finally get it.

Excuse me.

- Check these.

- Oh, so you are going to Shelter Island.

- No. Staten Island.

Enzo has invited me to stay over.

I haven't "stayed over" a man's place since...

When did Baby Jessica fall down that well?

- Just the essentials.

Toothbrush, change of clothes,

room spray, sheets.

- Well, are you staying over or redecorating?

- Liza, I don't know what to expect.

I need to prepare for polyester,

but it is worth the risk.

The man may be a plumber,

but he sure can... plumb my depths.

You know what I mean when I-- - I understand.

- Shh. Here he comes.

- Hey. - Hi.

Oh, ain't she something?

- She sure is.

- The coat check is over there.

- A certain...

British director gave me this.

That's not all he gave me.

Gonorrhea.

Saves you from asking.

- I, uh-- I wasn't going to.

Um, so the book is--

- Ooh, ooh, ooh! Check this out.

Check this out.

19th century

Zulu warrior.

- Wow.

I'm kidding. It's Joey Ramone.

It's Joey Ramone. Ehh! Joey!

- Right. Um... - Looking good!

- So the--so the book is, in fact, here?

- Have you ever seen

a $10,000 dildo?

Come on.

Hmm?

- What I really want to see

is...the book.

Now, Chrissie.

- It's from the pharaohs.

- You really hated the chapter, huh?

- Not at all.

Listen, your voice on the podcast

is--is charming

and funny and...

it makes me laugh about politics.

I want readers to...

get that same feeling that I got

the first time I heard it.

I find it very hard to focus

with a bed five feet away.

- And that is why I suggested

that we work in the business center.

Okay.

Before we go, I just-- I have to ask.

Is--besides the book,

is there, you know, somebody else stopping us from...

- No.

But this book is very important, Jake.

And when it's all done,

we can talk about you and me.

- Okay, good.

Because ever since we met, I...

have been very attracted to you, Kelsey.

You're intelligent, and you are ambitious,

and you are gorgeous--

- And we're packing,

and we're moving.

♪ ♪

- Maggie Amato. Diana Trout.

I have heard so much about you.

- Likewise.

That is a stunning necklace.

You know, Liza never told me how chic you are.

- Oh, I'm sure I did.

- Well, Liza's generation

has no concept of style.

It's all rompers and fanny packs.

- Yeah. - Sorry to interrupt,

but we just had to say hello.

- We are avid fans, Maggie.

- Penelope, Luca, that means the world to me.

Thank you so much.

- We want a piece.

Please...

call us. - I will. Thanks.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go

soak up some more champagne

and praise.

- Oh, Charles texted.

"Still no book. Chrissie's stonewalling me.

Have to stay the night."

He is too important to be held hostage by that maniac.

Well, my bag is packed.

I do love that inn.

- Diana, stay at Enzo's.

Like you said,

he's worth the risk.

- I'll go.

- Ah, I know why you want to go.

- To hound Chrissie for an autograph.

Well, don't, Liza. Be professional.

- Busted.

You know me too well.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- This is my place.

"Casa mia."

- It's been in the family for a couple of generations.

- It's so clean--spacious.

- That's island living, baby.

You should see the master bedroom.

♪ ♪

- I intend to.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Wow.

Hello?

What are you doing here?

- Uh, Diana said you were having problems

and asked me to come help.

Plus, I'm a huge Chrissie Hart fangirl.

I know all of her songs.

♪ I'm howlin' at the moon ♪

♪ I'm running back to you ♪

♪ Crazy love ♪

♪ Buh-buh, da-da-da-da, da-da... ♪

- Did your babysitter teach you those lyrics?

- Chrissie.

This is Liza Miller,

one of our finest editors.

- Uh-huh.

- I'll leave you to, uh...

get acquainted.

- Wow.

Um, Chrissie, I am suck a huge fan.

- I hope you're not here to cock-block,

'cause I plan to bang his brains out tonight.

Great.

♪ ♪

- Wait, Jake was Michelle Obama's lookout

while she hurled at Beyoncé's birthday party?

It's insane, right?

Wait.

I think we could switch these around, though.

- Agreed. - Mm.

- Don't need this or this.

- Totally, but overall...

so far, the chapter reads much better.

So much better.

How did you get him to open up so much?

- I'm a very skilled editor.

- Oh, my God.

This guy took his grandma to the inauguration.

He is such a wet blanket.

- No, he's not.

He's nice.

- Exactly. "Nice."

That is code for dull.

Look, I see the way he looks at you.

Poor guy.

If only he knew.

- That you're not into "nice."

What am I into, Zane?

Please, enlighten me,

since you know me so well.

You want someone

who isn't intimidated by your intelligence...

- You're not wrong.

- Someone who challenges you,

but also makes you happy...

sometimes, twice in one night.

Mm.

So someone like you.

- Stop toying with my emotions.

♪ ♪

♪ I could go away ♪

♪ ♪

This is a demo

from "Penis Flytrap."

What do you think? You like it?

- Love it!

- Yeah, well, I was asking Charles.

- Oh, I love it. Great.

Strong.

- Yeah, I love it.

Don't leave me alone with her.

Oh, now you want me here?

- What are you guys whispering about, huh?

- Oh, uh, we were just wondering

when we're gonna get to see the book!

You, um--

you said lunchtime, which was wine,

and then you said teatime, which was absinth

and your take on "Stranger Things."

- Yeah. Mirna!

Bookie-bookie time!

Ask, and you shall receive.

- Okay.

- Le book.

Okay, not so fast. Let me just say something.

When I was recording "Lady Pie,"

Ahmet Ertegun, he came here to get the master,

and he did not leave for three weeks

because I wasn't ready.

I gotta be good and ready

before you take my baby away from me,

and right now, I'm just feeling kind of ready.

♪ ♪

- Okay.

I'm gonna create a diversion,

and then you grab the book,

and then we'll run.

We are too drunk to read it, let alone drive.

All right.

I saw on an episode of "Murder She Wrote"

that if you eat a stick of butter

before you start drinking, then you don't get drunk.

How old are you?

- Get this out of my sight!

Get this away.

- No, no, no, no. - Lock it up.

- No...

- Could I check--I...

- Distracting.

♪ Where did you go and stay-- ♪

♪ Why did you go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Why did you go ♪

♪ What did you know ♪

♪ Why did you go ♪

- It was, uh, nice to see you laugh.

- Huh.

Well, hopefully, there'll be, uh,

fewer antics tomorrow and we'll, uh,

and we'll get the book.

Good night.

- When are you gonna trust me again?

- I don't want to do this right now, Liza.

- Just talk to me. Please, Charles.

Just-- yell, if that will help.

The silence...

is just--I just don't know how much more I can take.

If you're trying to punish me,

it's working.

- Night, Liza.

♪ ♪

- Good night.

♪ ♪

- ♪ And my tears won't fall for you ♪

♪ Like I did ♪

♪ And my hands are cut and bruised ♪

♪ I didn't build this wall for two ♪

♪ And my tears won't fall for you ♪

♪ Like I did ♪

♪ And my hands are cut and bruised ♪

♪ I didn't build this wall for two ♪

♪ You know I built this wall for you ♪

♪ I didn't build this wall for two ♪

♪ ♪

- Oh. Hello. Uh...

- Hey! Morning, sleepyhead.

- Oh.

Enzo.

You are full of surprises.

Um, if I could have my eggs poached, please.

This is your mother? - Of course.

And my chef.

- Charming. It's--um...

And she...lives with you?

- No, I live with her.

Ma, this is Diana, the one I was telling you about.

- You speak Italian!

- I lived in Florence for a year.

I studied art history.

I used to love walking up and down the Arno.

I still remember the first phrase I learned.

"No, I am not a prostitute."

- So...

How old are you?

♪ ♪

- Hey, Charles is gone.

- Yeah, Mirna said he took off this morning.

- Oh, g--

I had no idea.

- Ugh. Man.

Ugh!

Men always run. - Hmm.

- Yes, dude! Walk of Fame!

Ah! That Jake is a political animal, huh?

- Actually...

I backslid last night... with Zane.

- Ah.

- Who then offered me coffee

and was, like, nice?

The bar for heteros is so low.

- Oh, my God. I'm sleeping with both of them.

I'm literally the worst.

No, dude. For double dipping?

Come on. Guys do it all the time.

What do we do?

- Kels is polyamorous. - Wow.

Really?

It's just two guys at the same time--

not at the same time.

Josh...this is bad.

- Hey, don't ask me.

I am a "one woman at a time" kind of guy.

- Right, right, right, because you definitely

never lusted after Liza

while you were with that little leprechaun.

- Wow.

Has anyone seen Liza?

- She's on Shelter Island with Charles,

trying to get a memoir out of Chrissy Hart.

Oh, my God.

I framed her "Rolling Stone" cover--

remember, with the snake tits-- and I-I-I--

I kissed it good night for an entire year.

- Wait, so Liza's with Charles right now?

- For work. - Yeah. Sure.

- Back to my problems. No.

The nice guy turned out to be sexy.

The sexy guy turned out to be nice.

That's a win-win. - Exactly.

Who am I gonna choose? - Mm-mm.

No. You don't.

Have them both, diva. Come on.

It's healthier for your flora too.

♪ ♪

- I feel safe with you, Liza.

You got an old soul. - Ha!

Not wrong.

Uh, since we're so close,

can I, uh-- can I ask you

why you won't let go of your book?

- Ugh. You know...

I'm scared, man.

I mean, what if people think it's shit?

Or worse yet, what if people don't even care anyway?

- I care. - Yeah...

- Your first album was the soundtrack to my senior year,

even though I never mastered the heroin-chic look.

- Yeah, well, you're not really mastering

whatever this is anyway.

- What I'm trying to say is,

your music is meaningful.

When I was separating from my husband,

I was--I was scared, too,

of being alone, of being old,

but then I played that album,

and those songs helped me let go of that fear,

and I felt strong and resilient and myself again.

And this memoir,

your wild tales and adventures,

could do the same for more people than just your fans.

- Don't run from this opportunity, Chrissie.

Then you're no better

than those undeserving men who ran out on you.

♪ ♪

- You want me to sign your boobs?

- Please.

- Yeah.

Pen.

♪ ♪

- Wait, wait, wait.

♪ ♪

How did you get this?

- I didn't run away.

- ♪ Always and always and always ascending ♪

♪ The chords seem to pause but ahh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪