Original subtitles

♪ ♪

♪ I'm sticking with you honey ♪

♪ You make the whole world sunny ♪

- Oh, my God, Maggie. What is she doing?

- Her roommate's mother sent it to me, because she's worried.

- Oh, it's mesmerizing.

Is it porn?

- It's called breadfacing, and yes,

people are definitely jerking off to it.

- This is a cry for help.

- Actually, it's hard to cry with bread in your mouth.

- ♪ All over this town ♪

[Brynn Elliott's "Might Not Like Me"]

♪ ♪

- I'll throw it out.

♪

♪ What's your problem? ♪

♪ Well if you don't like girls that are stronger than you ♪

- Oh, my God.

Lauren, what the hell?

- Relax. It's for an event tonight.

- ♪ Well if you don't like ♪

- Here's your dry-cleaning.

I mean, it's not really dry-cleaned.

I just ironed it really hard and put it in this bag,

but...whatever.

- Thank you.

- Oh, that's my new intern.

- It's basically slave labor,

TBQH, but, you know, they're getting a credit for school,

so my conscience is clear.

- I know. I know. I am so sorry.

I just--I have a major deal tonight.

- Yeah, it's makeup you can eat, but I wouldn't.

- No, uh...

- I'm good.

- I'm good, dude.

Thank you, though.

Who's he?

- Josh, their name is Tam, okay?

You can't just assume everyone's pronouns, buddy.

- Okay, I'm gonna be down in the shop

in case anyone needs me.

♪ ♪

- Josh, good morning.

- Hey, good morning.

- You haven't been returning any of my messages.

- I know, it's--look, it's just been a crazy week.

- Josh, I need an answer.

- I know. I'm figuring it out.

Just...give me 24 hours.

- Okay, 24 hours.

- ♪ I choose me again and again ♪

♪ 'Cause I chose you again and again ♪

♪ Don't give any damn I don't care ♪

♪ Gave you all I can of me babe ♪

- Guys, I'm sorry.

It's just it's the busiest season of the year.

There's all these schmoozing events before the mid-terms.

- We totally understand that.

But last Thursday, we had a drop-dead date for chapter one

and yet still no chapter one.

- Okay, no more excuses.

After this Arianna Huffington event tonight,

I will hit the ground running.

- Ooh, what Arianna Huffington event?

It's on #negativethinking.

- Oh, yet another Twitter movement that I'm behind on.

- No, it's just an excuse to drink and to talk about how

liberals are still arguing about Bernie versus Hillary.

It's cathartic, I think.

You should--you should come with me.

- I would love to.

- Sorry, I've only got a plus-one.

- Oh, that's fine.

I don't have the energy for that accent tonight.

You kids have fun.

- Don't worry about me.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Open and free your mind ♪

♪ Shoe 'em everything that's living deep deep inside ♪

♪ Tick-tock tick-tock ♪

♪ I'm about to explode ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ Gotta gotta express yourself ♪

♪ ♪

- Popular, popular guy here.

- Yeah...

- Okay, sorry I keep parading you around here.

Just talking about myself always makes me nervous.

It doesn't seem to bother you on your podcast.

- You know, strangely, I think I am most comfortable

either in a crowd or alone.

One-on-one, I'm...terrible.

You're doing fine.

- Thanks.

- Jake.

- Oh, good. Here comes a crowd.

- Guys, this is my editor, Kelsey Peters.

- Hi. - Kelsey, this is Levitt

and Charlotte.

Their co-hosts of the podcast and spent some time

with me in the White House.

- I know who they are.

- Still can't believe you got a book deal before me.

- I read "Conversations With My Doodle" and loved it.

And surprisingly, not ironically.

- That book was a surprise to all of us.

- Kelsey just signed a content deal

with Reese Witherspoon's company.

Okay, don't move.

We're gonna get you a drink,

and you're gonna tell us everything.

- Okay.

- Come on.

I don't want to share you tonight.

- Ohh.

- Come on.

- God, I love this city.

There. - Oh, thanks.

- Tomorrow morning.

Wish I could stay longer.

Can I kiss you?

Sorry.

I just thought that

Obama's speech writer would... be a little smoother than that.

- Oh, well, it worked on Michelle.

I'm kidding.

Kidding. - Oh.

I wish you weren't.

That would be so good in the book.

- Yeah.

You really only care about the book?

- I am your editor.

- Still haven't answered my question.

[Opus Orange's "The Next World"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Open my eyes all I see ♪

♪ Are your dark brown eyes looking at me ♪

♪ ♪

- Falafels are on me.

Thank you.

My article on "Where Are They Now: The Members of O-Town"

just got 100,000 views, so...

- Thank you.

- Oh. - Ooh.

- Sorry, it's icy.

- I gotcha.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, I'm--I'm doing a series of "Where Are They Nows."

The next one's on my dignity.

- Well, you do what you've got to do to pay the bills.

- Yep.

I still have to put together a listicle of GIFs

called "Nun fails."

Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, my God.

I was not prepared for that.

- My son sent me a picture...

- Of his penis.

He's 16, and he thinks

he might have herpes.

And how does it look?

- Um, like a teenager who masturbated too much.

Sounds like you're close.

- As a divorced dad, I try to be there for him

without judgment.

I just don't understand this generation's need

to share everything.

Well, at least he's not posting

a picture of his penis online and mushing it into

a loaf of pumpernickel.

Never mind.

Oh!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my...

- Oh, my God.

I'm fine. So sorry.

Let me--let me just get my stuff.

Ohh. - Ahh.

Here's your license.

And here's your other license.

- That's crazy.

You're basically living a double life.

- I see it like this.

The world is ageist, and until that changes,

I can't play by the rules.

- So true.

You are clever.

- I have to be.

I have a daughter in college to support.

- Well, let me just say that I wish I didn't have to continue

the charade, but I have to to keep

the millennial brand intact.

- Wow.

You are my hero.

- I am nobody's hero.

I'm a fraud.

But you do what you have to do.

- Well, I can't pretend to be a hot young woman,

but hopefully I can think of something.

- You're so talented.

You will.

♪ ♪

- Hey, Caitlin, it's--it's me again.

I'm not sure if you got my last message.

I just--just want to see what you're up to, honey.

- If you're satisfied with your message, hang up...

- Damn it. - Or press...

- How was Arianna Huffington's party?

- Fine.

- Levitt tagged you in a picture.

You and Jake look cozy.

Cozier than an author and his editor should be.

- Calm down.

We look cozy, because we're sitting on a velvet couch.

- Look, I can tell this guy's got a crush on you.

You're too smart to do something

to jeopardize this book.

- You're right. I am.

So I don't need to hear it from you.

♪ ♪

- It seems like he actually has work.

I mean, you can't assume that everyone's lying

just because you are.

- Hi. - Hey.

This event is so cool.

- I know. I know.

- I'm not here to tell you what to do.

- I'll try it. I'm starving.

- Tam, my assistant. You just met them.

- I only saw one person.

- Tam is gender-queer.

Oh. Oh, so he's bi?

- Oh, my God. Liza, no. Please, do not--no,

do not use that word here.

Tam's pan-sexual, homo-romantic,

and their pronouns are they, them, and there.

All right, no more questions. It's offensive.

The LGBTQIAPK community has been through enough.

- You lost me after T.

- Lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, questioning,

intersex, asexual, pan, poly, kink.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Please keep your mingling to a minimum.

- Ooh, I was less confused in the closet.

- It tastes like burnt ass.

I'm gonna go find some real food.

I'll be back.

- Hmm, nutty.

- Jake Devereux.

- He's cute and funny.

- Uh-oh, you sure that's a good idea.

- I hung out with him last night as his editor.

Okay, and we kissed.

And I think I like him.

- Kelsey. - I know.

Just eat your mascara.

♪ ♪

- Tam, lean in.

- I will not. This is humiliating.

- Oh. Yes. No, you're right. You're right. Selfies are dead.

Ooh, Maggie, Maggie, will you take a picture of us?

- Yeah, sure. - No.

You're making a spectacle.

- Yeah, that's the whole point.

- Lauren, everything can't be in all-caps.

- Let me put this another way.

It's not cool.

Nobody posts anymore.

It's all word of mouth.

- Oh, yes. No, no, okay, I was just being ironic.

This is for my finsta.

That's "fake Instagram."

- Millennials are so sad.

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God.

Okay, that just happened.

I'm old.

- Don't make me choke you out.

- Tam's being a dick.

They just told Lauren that she's irrelevant.

- They're right, Liza. They are.

They're right. Millennials are over.

We are done.

- No, we're still happenin'.

-You know, getting older isn't so bad.

Maybe you want to try it sometime.

- You want to come say good-bye to Inkburg?

- I'm done with this place, Liza.

- Okay, just--you stay right there.

I'm coming over.

♪ ♪

- Sorry, ma'am, we are closed.

- I already got my tattoo, thank you.

What's going on?

- My landlord wants me to sign a ten-year lease or vacate.

- Whoa, look who's an adult.

I think I'm gonna vacate.

- Wh...you're gonna give Inkburg up?

What are you gonna do instead?

- Anything, really.

I could rent a chair at a tattoo shop in Portland,

Silver Lake.

- This place is your passion, your soul.

- I just don't know if there's anything here for me anymore.

I don't know if I have it in my to make any more commitments.

This is a commitment. This is a commitment.

All of these are commitments to yourself.

You can't go wrong committing to yourself.

Trust me.

Trust you.

How can I be sure

that this place is my future.

And what's keeping me here?

- You've got all of us,

Maggie and Kelsey, and you've got me.

- No, I don't have you.

♪ ♪

I'm gonna clean up a little bit.

♪ ♪

Good night, Liza.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh Mona Lisa feel that beat ♪

♪ This heat gonna light that fire ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh Mona Lisa I know we're gonna start that fire ♪

- Liza Miller speaking. - Hi, there.

This is May from "Vanity Fair."

I'm checking some details for a story about you.

- You and "Millennial." - Oh, okay.

- I see here that you are one of the co-founders

of "Millennial Print."

- Yes. - And that you're 41.

- Uh...who's writing this article?

- Don Ridley. Can we confirm your age?

- Hey, we're late for the Reese meeting.

- Okay, I've got to go. Bye-bye.

- Let's go. Let's go.

Come on.

You told Don your real age?

- No, he saw both my IDs when I slipped on ice

and dropped my bag.

- Well, why didn't you make up a story,

like, tell him you were trying to get discounts or something?

- I don't know.

What do old people buy?

- I'm not a senior citizen, and that's not the point.

"Vanity Fair" is going to publish an article exposing me.

Oh, my God. They're calling me now.

- Don't answer it.

- Okay, we cannot deal with this.

Whatever we do, we cannot let Reese's people know.

- Not a word.

- Ahh.

- Okay, let me see.

New phone. Who dis?

- ♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ ♪

- I received a very unsettling phone call

from a fact-checker this morning.

She was insinuating something very odd about your age.

Reese is in pieces.

Liza, how old are you?

- I'm...

Age-queer.

- I'm age-queer.

That fact-checker was trying to age-shame us for being young,

so I told them I'm old in protest.

And it's, like, who cares?

I don't identify as any age.

- Neither do I.

- They were so focused on how successful we were for our age,

and it shouldn't matter how old we are.

- Exactly.

Screw them.

- The patriarchy.

- So I told them I'm 41.

And let them think that for all I care.

We're post-age.

- But how old--I'm confused.

- It's confusing, but it's not wrong.

- Mm-mm. - Every time you get a bunch of

strong, powerful women together,

it's their looks, their age.

They're too young. They're too sexy.

- I mean, what are they gonna do, throw us in

"The Handmaid's Tale"?

- Under his eye, girl.

- Kiara, it's the fact-checker again.

- I'll handle them.

- I...

- That was insane. - Yeah, and probably offensive.

- Liza, we have to stop this story.

- I know.

I'm gonna go find Don right now.

Before he stopped texting, he mentioned

a luncheon for Broadway Cares.

- That's a nice charity.

- The only thing Don cares about is the free food.

♪ ♪

Don.

- Liza.

- I was the story you were working on.

How could you do that to me?

I thought that I met a man that I liked,

that I trusted.

- I'm sorry.

I'm a freelancer. I need to dig up stories.

And you're a really great one.

You said it yourself.

You do what you have to do.

- Not at the expense of destroying someone else.

- This story might end up being the best thing

that ever happened to you.

I could make you the poster child for ageism.

- And also kill my career and damage "Millennial."

- Well, none of that's gonna happen.

They just pulled it.

There' some social media thing that's exploding

about being age-queer, whatever that means.

Suddenly everyone's sensitive to age-shaming.

- Oh, wow. Good.

They should be sensitive to it.

- Yeah, and once again, I'm out.

You know, it seems like the only people who get

discriminated against anymore are middle-aged

straight white men.

#me, okay? #me.

- You know, I think I might know why you can't find work.

- Because you're an asshole, Don.

♪ ♪

You're an adult.

Your life is your life.

But why are you smashing your face into bread?

- Oh, my God. How did you see that?

- I feel like I don't know you anymore.

- Mom, it's not who I am.

It's just a thing I do for some extra money.

- Okay, let me tell you something.

You become what you do.

If you cheat, you become a cheater.

If you like, you... you become a liar.

- It's so easy for you. You're so perfect.

- Caitlin, I have done plenty of things in my life

that I am not proud of.

- Someday I will tell you all about them.

But for now, will you just stop breadfacing.

- Jeez, Mom, is it really that embarrassing?

What?

- Ohh. - Mom.

- Oh, this is surprising. - Mom, stop.

People are watching. - Ooh, it's so soft.

Ohh, yeah. Mmm.

- Okay, okay, I'll stop.

God, you could really ruin anything.

- I love you too.

Are you still gonna eat it?

- Of course I'm gonna eat that bread.

I liked it on my chin.

- Yep. - It was really crispy.

♪ ♪

- Josh, I can't let you do this.

Who knows what the future holds,

but I know how much you love that place.

This was your dream.

You built it from nothing.

It's who you are.

Take that lease.

I'm not going away.

Kelsey and Maggie aren't going away.

Your roots are here.

I will be at your side.

You don't have to commit to us, but we commit to you.

I commit to you.

I might not always be the same person in your life,

but I will always be in your life.

- The sign. They're taking it down.

- I'm just getting a bigger one.

- Josh.

- I'm not ready to give up yet.

- ♪ And I want you to be ♪

♪ For the next few hundred years ♪

♪ With me ♪