Original subtitles

(Tech) One, two...

(Dick) We 're going to start very soon, Maurice. Sorry for the wait.

(Maurice) Don't worry.

(Runner) Can I get you anything? Coffee? (Maurice) Do you have any tea?

(Runner) We have some tea. (Maurice) A cup of tea. Milk, six sugars.

(Runner) Six? (Maurice) Yes, six, please. Thank you.

(Tech) Can you give me some levels?

(Maurice) Some what? (Tech) Can you talk to me?

(Maurice) Has the interview started? Cos I just ordered some tea.

(Tech) That's perfect. (Dick) Ok.

(Dick) We good? (Cameraman) Rolling.

(Maurice) Haven't got me tea. (Dick) All right. We're good to go.

- In three, two, one. - (Clapperboard claps)

(Dick) I'm here with a legend of the golfing world.

A man who has broken records and rewritten the history books.

Maurice flitcroft.

Bless me.

You made your name in the British open in 1976.

Now, why did you choose that particular tournament?

Well, it was... More it chose me, really.

It was a calling.

You Americans might call it a destiny.

And it was an unlikely destiny, wasn't it?

Because you were working as a crane operator at the time. Am I right?

Yes. When I took up the game of golf in, uh, 1975,

I were working full time as a crane driver, or operator, as you would say.

80, well, tell us about the young Maurice flitcroft.

Did you dream of becoming a sportsman as a child?

Uh, I had dreams.

But, uh, you know, where I... Where I come from,

barrow-in-furness,

it's a small world, put it like that.

(Cheerful instrumental music)

The only job options for a lad like me was the yard. Shipyard.

Shipyard fodder, they used to call us.

Me dad worked there and his father before 'im.

You go in on your feet.

You come out in a box.

Oh, as a child, I did have ambitions, of course,

that I might do, you know, something else.

But any dreams I had tended to end up in pieces.

When the war came, I was sent to live with a very nice family in Scotland.

Things were very different there. They'd say things like...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Probablyjust be in the shipyard like me dad.

Och! You can be anything you want.

The world is your oyster.

(Maurice) I read books. I learnt languages.

I played the violin.

I played to a very high standard, actually.

(Scratchy noise)

Never mind, Maurice. Practice.

Practice is the road to perfection.

(Maurice) Or! Would have done if the war hadn't ended, but it did.

So, I was soon back in barrow.

Ended up shipyard fodder after all.

(Laughs)

(Dick) And it was at the shipyard that you met your wife Jean, right?

(Maurice) Yes, I did. I used to apply for other jobs.

Tried lots of different things,

and she'd let me use the post in the office for free.

She was very kind to me.

In the evenings she ran, like, a theatre group for wayward kids.

We got on like a house on fire. Pretty soon, I popped the question.

Jean Patterson, will you marry me?

I promise I'll give you champagne,

caviar,

diamonds.

- We'll travel the world together. - Stop.

(Maurice) Turns out she had a kid. Michael.

Out of wedlock n'all. Which was a big deal in those days.

They call him all sorts at school.

"Son of a whore".

"Little bastard".

(Maurice) Kids can be cruel.

That's the teachers.

So... he never knew his dad?

No. Never even met him.

As far as he knows, he doesn't have a dad.

Well, he does now.

(Romantic instrumental music)

All of a sudden, my own dreams, well, they were put on hold.

Cos we were a family now.

I had to help Michael find his dreams.

Well, take your pick, son. World's your oyster.

That's for me. Racing driver.

Astronaut. Do you fancy a trip to the moon?

- Engineering? - Yeah.

Want to read my book?

- What do you think? - Put it the other way round.

(Maurice) Mikey got a degree. Ended up a manager at the yard.

I always fancied a pop at academia meself,

but pretty soon,

we had not one, but two more mouths to feed.

Gene and James. Twins.

They loved disco dancing.

Even won the school cup.

(Melancholic instrumental music)

- (Indistinct) - (Music continues)

As for me own dreams, well,

by now they were... They were a distant memory.

But I made my peace with it.

Then came the summer of 1975

and, well... everything changed.

(Music building)

- Have a look in the microwave. - I prefer my own one.

Gas ovens are basically mini bombs.

Out. It's not gone off yet, so I think we're all right.

Can you lot shut up in there? Out of the kitchen! Thank you.

(Twins) Oh, yeah.

Hey! Stop doing your stupid dancing near the new TV!

- It's not stupid! - Gaom.

- We're professional disco dancers. - That's not a job.

Dad, tell him it's a job. It is a real job.

Good a job as any. How do you switch this on?

- You've got to use the remote. - Get out of that. Come on.

- Get off! This top is gabicci! - Ooh, it's gabicci, is it?

- Can you pipe it down in there? - — quiet, boys.

Watch this. Can you do that?

Use that to change the channels. It's got loads.

- How many? - Three.

Blimey.

You can use that from anywhere in the room.

Why can't you use the switches on the side?

- J“ gabicci, baby... j“ - get off!

Why do you have to use the remote? Can't you use switches?

- But what's the point? - I might be standing by.

Shut it!

(Music continues)

(Whines)

(Chatter on TV)

Dinner is served.

'We've left Newton and we're chugging across the Atlantic.'

'the spacecraft is shown by...'

look, don't quote me on this, but...

Well, it's top secret.

The, uh... The yard's gonna be nationalised.

Government's taking over.

And Hopkins has put me in charge of the changeover.

Well... it's good for you, son.

He must have a lot of faith in you, giving you a big job like that.

Yeah, I suppose.

But could be bad, dad.

There's gonna be a lot of redundancies when the axe falls.

I mean... a lot.

(Maurice) They need you, he says. So, that's good.

What about you?

Oh, well. I'll get another job if it comes to it.

- What job? - I don't know.

There's always the bins.

(Maurice chuckles)

- Come 'ere. - I'm doing...

Maurice.

What is it?

Sit down.

Hey.

I knew a young man once. Said he was gonna be a somebody.

Promised me diamonds, caviar, champagne.

"Travel the world", he said.

Sounds like you... You should've married him.

I know you've made sacrifices for us, Maurice.

You don't have to look after us anymore.

It's your turn now.

For what?

Well, it's up to you, in't it?

Can't think of everything.

(Melancholic instrumental music)

What we got today?

- Cheese and pickle. - Ooh.

- What? - That is my favourite, that is.

We've been hearing rumours there might be some business going on. You heard anything?

Look, uh, I shouldn't be telling you, lads, it's secret.

But, uh... it's being nationalised.

- What does that mean? - Redundancies. Lots of 'em.

So, if I were you, I'd get looking for something else.

Shit.

I see it as an opportunity, actually. Why not?

What we got to lose? "Seek and thou shalt find" and all that.

Willie, there must be something you always wanted to do,

if you could do anything in the whole world, what would you do?

- I don't know. - What do you like doing?

Mmm...

Drinking guinness.

Well, open an Irish pub.

Your own Irish pub in barrow.

- Cliff, you can go back to your old job. - What old job?

You said you did a bank job once.

Right, yeah, um... well, that's a...

That's a young man's game, mate.

Oh, come on, lads. We're in the prime of our lives.

Shouldn't be talking like that.

(Indistinct chatter)

(Jean) I'm going up, love. What are you doing?

I've gotta finish this flipping nun's habit.

- Don't be too late. You'll hurt your eyes. - It has to be done.

(Jean) Night. (Maurice) Night.

(Jean) Night, love.

(Mumbling)

'I believe that the job you do is fundamental

to the future of britain.'

(Tony) 'Newton from the bunker.'

(applause)

'And now to Watson.'

(audience react)

'Just misses on the right.'

(applause)

'If he can just get this in...'

'It's all on this to equal Watson's score.'

(Applause)

'The title goes to Tom Watson.'

'on his first appearance at this tournament.'

(Instrumental music)

'The new champion, Tom Watson.'

'what a dream come true.'

(music building)

(Music slows down)

(Screams)

(Laughs)

Whoa!

(Laughs)

Whoa!

(Tony) 'So, there we have it.'

'what an image to end on.'

'Tom Watson with the famous claret jug.'

'i hope you'll join me, Tony marsh, and the rest of the commentary team

for the dunlop British masters.'

(James) Dad.

- You all right, love? - We heard screaming.

- Where is it? - (Jean) What you looking for, love?

(I the drifters: "You're more than a number in my little red book" j“)

J“ oh-oh-oh j“

j“ yeah j“

j“ yesj“

j“ you're more than a number in my little red book j“

j“ you're more than a one-night date j“

j“ all it had to take me was just one look j“

j“ my heart began a thumpin' j“

j“ babe, you had it jumpin' cos you're more... j“j“

- (Maurice) Golf. - Golf?

Aye, golf.

- Golf? - Saw it last night on me new telly.

Want to have a crack at the British open. Ten grand if you win it.

Ten grand? Bloody hell.

How do you go about getting in the British open?

Idunno, that's what I've got to find out.

"Bartender, beautician, buses".

Sorry, there's nothing about the British open.

- That's disappointing. - Maybe ask someone at your golf club.

- No, I'm not a member of a club. - Ok.

So, do you know anyone who has anything to do with golf?

(Phones ringing)

Hang on.

Yes, I do. I do.

J“ you're more than a one-night date j“

j“ all it had to take me was just one look j“

j“ my heart began a thumpin' j“

j“ babe, you had it jumpin' cos you're more j“j“

(song stops)

(Jean) Mind your fingers. (James) Right. Next. What is a par?

A par is the optimum amount of shots on any given hole.

So, for example, on a par four, the optimal amount of shots is four.

Correct. What is a birdie?

(Maurice) One shot under the par. 80, for example, par four, three.

Uh, and a bogey?

Bogey? I know that one, dad. Here, that's one of these, mate.

(Maurice) Wow.

- Oh, they're even better than I thought. - So shiny, aren't they?

These were the cheapest ones n'all.

- Really? - Look.

- Crikey. - Number 90.

- Need to be a millionaire to play this. - You should see what the clothes cost.

- Really? - Might get cliff onto it.

'...Maurice flitcroft in barrow-in-furness.'

- dad! You're on telly! - No, what?

Yeah, sh, come, come.

"'...getting into the British open championship,

as I quite fancy lifting the old claret jug".'

'well, Maurice, all you have to do

is write to the royal & ancient golf club in st Andrews, Scotland,

and they'll send you an entry form.'

'but remember,

ask your mum and dad before you use all their stamps and things.'

'always warms my cockles when we get letters from keen youngsters like little Maurice.'

"Left arm perpendicular to the sternum."

"Head at 30 degrees."

"Knees flexed at 20."

Just try and hit the ball.

- Ah! - (Dog barking)

What are you playing at?

Sorry! Flipping heck!

- I don't owe you anything? - No.

- For all this? - No. No.

I got all this and all this from my mate John down the market.

- This too? - Yeah.

- Suede. - It's good stuff, innit?

That's perfect.

(Cliff laughs)

Deorum vestimenta sua.

You what?

Clothes of the gods, cliff.

Well, he only gets the best, does Jim.

I thought it were John.

John. John. Yeah, John. Yeah, good lad, John.

Sandwiches look nice, Jean.

Love. Can you stop worrying about what you look like?

- Got to finish filling in this form first. - Hm.

What does that mean, handicap?

That must be me ailments, I suppose.

Oh, like your false teeth? Lumbago. Touch of arthritis.

- Shall I put that down? - Aye.

- Hello. - You all right, lads?

- Here you go, dad. - What's that?

- So you can practise on a proper course. - We got it dancing on the street.

Should've seen it. They were just chucking it at us.

That's incredible.

What do you hope to achieve? You know, with this dancing lark.

- Money. - Birds.

"We're all of us in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Who said that?

- Oscar wilde. - (Mouthing)

- What do you think he meant? - (Cliff) Don't sleep in the gutter.

Aim for the stars.

I mean, isn't there a trophy or a world cup or summat?

Yeah, think so.

- Well, enter it! Go and win it! - But what if we lose?

It doesn't matter. At least you tried. That's the main thing.

There's more to life than money, boys.

- Ain't that right? - Yeah.

Though, having said that, money is flipping handy.

Especially if you play golf.

- Yeah. - Cheers!

- You're welcome, dad. - Thanks. Look at that, Jean.

- Oh, hang on a minute. - It's heavy.

It says: "Don't need a handicap if you're a professional."

Well, cross out that other stuff. Tick professional. Make things easier.

- Professional? - Mm-hm.

- You sure? - Listen,

you didn't see me practising this morning.

- I am a whisker away. - All right.

(Whispering) A whisker away.

(Indistinct chatter)

(Instrumental music building)

(Birds chirping)

(Melancholic instrumental music)

(Chuckling)

(People cheering)

(Applause)

(Announcer) 'Please welcome on the tee, Maurice g flitcroft.'

(music stops)

You all right down there, old boy?

Oh, yes.

Hello, gents.

Are you in the right place, old chap?

Yes, I'm here to join the club. And I see you're a three ball.

If you care to make it a four, I'm available. Happy to join.

Ugh, we're, um... We're waiting for someone.

Yes. George.

George green.

Actually, thanks for the offer, gents,

but, uh, on second thought,

I think I'd prefer to play on my own today, I hope you don't mind.

Maurice flitcroft.

Good luck, gents.

(Quietly) Tossers.

Flippin' people.

Snobs.

- Bloody... - Excuse me, sir!

Hello, there. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Bruce atkins, the steward of the club.

Oh, hello, Bruce. I...

I'm Maurice.

How may I help you today, Maurice?

I'm here to join the club, please.

I see.

That's fine. But there is a procedure to get entry to the club.

- Procedure? - Yes.

You must be recommended by a committee member.

You must play with two members

to ascertain your level of skill, etiquette, etc.

Your application will be forwarded to the members committee,

whereupon, if accepted, you'll be placed on the waiting list.

- How long's the waiting list? - Two years.

- That's no good. - Really?

- No, I'm playing in the British open. - The British open?

So, I'll just play a round now.

- Very well. That'll be five pounds. - Five pounds?

And you'd need to buy some regulation golf shoes.

- We don't allow work boots. - How much are the shoes?

Ten pounds. With the green fee, that makes a round 15.

Do you have 15 pounds, Maurice?

(Whispering) Here he is. Maurice g flitcroft.

Only requires par for victory.

Hey! Get off the golf course!

What you doing? Hey!

Oh! You cheeky sod!

Oh, f... I've left me balls.

Are you deaf?

- Tosser! - Go on!

- Hands in your pockets. - (Jean) Maurice?

Yeah, it's not bad, is it?

Bloody hell. I thought golf was supposed to be relaxing, love.

- So did I. - What's happened?

Oh. Uh... I'm giving up on the open, son.

- Oh. No. No, you're not. - I am, love.

I said you're not. Not until you've opened this. Go on.

J“ like dancing

j“ I feel like dancing, ooh

j“ dancing, ooh, dance the night away j“

j“ I feel like dancing, ooh, dancing j“

j“ ah-ah-ah-ah j“

j“ quarter to four in the morning j“

j“ I ain't feeling tired, no, no, no... j“j“

so, I said: "Listen, television is the only way to keep up with the Americans.

Prestige comes to nothing if you can't see it."

- What did they say? - (Knocking)

Excuse me, mr MacKenzie, sir.

Yes, Jenny! Again! What can I do for you?

Sorry, sir. I just want to show you this application.

I'm not sure what to do with it.

Oh, good lord. Well, he's ticked professional, so...

- I just wondered whether it's real. - Whether what's real?

Whether he really is a professional.

Why would someone say they're a professional when they're not?

Well... to get into the open.

I don't think anyone's gonna be stupid enough to do that, m'dear.

No, that would be very stupid indeed.

J“ doo-doo-doo-doo doob-doob-doob j“

j“ doo-doo-doo-doo doob-doob-doob... j“j“

I'm in.

I best get cliff to get me some new golf shoes.

(Song stops)

(Phone ringing)

(J“ the foundations: "Build me up buttercup" j“)

Practice is the road to perfection.

- J“ why do you build me up j“ - j“ build me up j“

j“ buttercup, baby j“

- j“ just to let me down j“ - j“ let me down j“

j“ and mess me around... j“j“

flippin' heck. Can't see a flippin' thing.

- J“ ineed you j“ - j“ ineed you j“

j“ more than anyone, darling... j“j“

- go. - J“ you know that I have from the start

- j“ so, build me up j“ - j“ build me up j“

j“ buttercup j“

j“ don't break my heart j“

j“ "I'll be over at ten" you told me time and again j“

j“ but you're late j“

- j“ I wait around and then... j“ - fore!

J“ I went to the door I can't take any more... j“j“

hey! That was a good one! I think.

J“ hey, hey, heyj“

j“ baby, baby, try to find... j“j“

Mike.

- Dad, w-what you doing here? - Hello, son.

This your new office, is it?

- Yeah. - Give us a look.

It's not a great time. We got some big deals going down.

Oh, big deals?

- Want a ciggy? - No, no, you're ok.

Son, I might, um, might need a couple of days off,

next Thursday, Friday.

- Can you swing it? - I'll see what I can do.

I think I might've found meself a new job.

- Like you said. - Great, dad.

Mm. Yes, it is great. Quite exciting, actually.

I'm entering the British open, you know. The golf thing.

- Gonna go for it, I'm pretty good. - I've got to go, but that's good.

All right. It's good to have yoursuppofl, son.

Go on, get in there.

- Ok, I'll see you later. - All right.

Ah, Mike.

Hi, nice to meet ya. Mike flitcroft.

- Be fine. - It's not gonna fit.

- Oh, yeah. - Gene?

Yeah, it's, like, aluminium, so it'll bend.

- Bloody hell! Very nice! - Shit!

- Lovely. - It's all right, it's fine. Can you help?

- Well done. - Can you help?

- You ready, lads? - Yeah, fine. All good.

Yeah, ready. Just putting it in the...

No, no, I'll do it.

- Come here. - That's all fine. Here ya are.

- Yeah. - Look at that.

Just remember,

know whatever happens, no one can say you didn't try.

(Slow piano music)

- You got your sandwiches? - Sandwiches.

Uh-huh. Good.

- Made plenty. - Thanks.

- I got it. - Don't eat them all on the journey.

- No. - Oh, no, no.

Come here, you.

Good luck.

I love you.

- Come on, come on with. - No, put me down.

Come on, you'll be late. Get going.

I know, I love you too.

I'm gonna get some claret for that jug, on the mantelpiece.

- Do it. - I'll get onto it.

- Bye, love. - Love ya.

(Jean) Love you more.

(Tony) 'The sun is shining this morning at formby golf club on merseyside,

where, in a few minutes time,

the new stars of the golfing world will take their first steps

to claiming the historic claret jug

and a cheque for ten thousand pounds.'

'join us here in about an hour

for what promises to be a tournament to remember.'

Oh, you practise on the beach 'n all?

Uh, sorry, my English...

Oh, no. Um...

- Gpracticas en la playa también? - Si.

(In Spanish)

Yeah, the banker. Si.

Um, Maurice. Maurice flitcroft.

- Severiano ballesteros. - You what?

(In Spanish)

Oh, si. Seve, seve. Hm.

(In Spanish)

(In Spanish)

- Si. — uh— huh.

(In English) You know what I mean?

(In Spanish)

(In English) Watch out, seve.

(In Spanish)

(Indistinct chatter)

Thank you.

Righto, son. What's first up?

Uh, first hole.

Um, 460 yards.

Trouble left and right.

Four hundred and sixty yards. Parfive.

- Par four. - Par four.

Take a driver, get it up there. Give us a chance going at the green.

No. I've been a bit wild, you know, just of late, with me driver.

I'll take... I'll take me 4-wood. I never miss with that.

Yeah. Ok.

- Sorry, dad. There's no 4-wood. - You what?

I must've left the 4-wood in the car.

- It's fucking James' fault! - No, all right, son. It's all right.

I'll take me driver. Mind your language on the course.

Yeah, sorry, dad.

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is game number 14.'

'please welcome on the tee,

representing pontypool golf club, wales,

and sponsored by conways,

Jim Howard.'

(applause)

Fucking 'ell!

'Please welcome on the tee,

representing la boudin golf club, France,

and sponsored by mcgranger sport,

Laurent lambert.'

(Spectator) Oh.

'And finally, please welcome on the tee,

representing cumbria county golf club, england,

and sponsored by

vickers shipyard,

Maurice g flitcroft.'

(Tense music)

(Wind howling)

(Uplifting music)

(Thud)

(Music stops)

(People whispering indistinctly)

Right, son. What we got left?

Uh, well...

Hole's 460 and...

What we gone? Uh, eight.

So, 452 to the pin.

Right. I'll take... I'll take me three iron.

I'll just go for position.

Yeah.

- Great shot, dad. - It's all right.

Yeah, that'll do.

(J“ Louis prima: "When you're smiling" j“)

- J“ when you're smiling j“ - j“ when you're smiling j“

- j“ when you're smiling j“ - j“ when you're smiling j“

j“ and the whole world j“

- j“ smiles with you j“ - j“ smiles with you j“

- j“ and when you're laughing j“ - j“ when you're laughing j“

- j“ oh, you're laughing j“ - j“ oh, you're laughing j“

j“ mmmm when the sun comes shining through j“

- j“ shining through

- j“ when you're crying j“ - j“ when you're crying j“

- j“ you bring on the rain j“ - j“ bring on the rain j“

- j“ stop your sighing j“ - j“ stop your sighing j“

- j“ oh, to be happy again j“ - j“ happy again j“

- j“ when you're smiling j“ - j“ when you're smiling j“

- j“ keep on smiling j“ - j“ keep on smiling j“

j“ and the whole world smiles with you j“

j“ let's go now j“

j“ let's go j“

j“ come on... j“j“

gene. Concentrate.

- Yeah, I was. - Flippin' heck.

(Grunts) You see?

(Song continues, instrumental)

(Cheering)

(Applause)

(Indistinct)

(Spectators) Go on! Go on!

All right?

Tony, it's Lloyd. Listen, I want everything you can find on a Maurice flitcroft.

F-I-i-t-c-r-o-f-t.

Flitcroft.

(Song stops)

Half-time scores, please, gents. Jim Howard?

- Thirty-three. Round about. - Thank you.

- Laurent lambert? - (John) Thirty-two.

- (Maurice) Halfway there, gene. - Thirty-two. And Maurice flitcroft?

Sixty-three.

- Sorry, say that again. - Sixty-three.

Good god.

We, in Scotland, invented the game of golf.

The British open is the oldest tournament in the world.

The most respected and prestigious.

And we must do all we can to burnish that reputation.

Say that to your dad the next time he spouts any of that nonsense, ok?

Thank you for your time. Now...

Maurice flitcroft has hit a sixty-three.

Sixty-three?

- How the hell did that happen? - I've no idea.

- Do the press know? - Not yet.

- Let's bloody keep it that way. - Yeah.

(Spectators) Oh.

(Maurice) I must say, that was a bit disappointing.

Mr flitcroft!

Keith MacKenzie, secretary of the royal and ancient golf society.

- May I have a word with you, please? - Oh, course.

Uh, here.

It's an honour to meet you, sir.

I'm very much enjoying the, uh, you know, the championship.

Good. Good. So are we. Thank you.

However, my colleague and I were just wondering if you, uh,

might've had your fill of it, so to speak.

I'm sorry?

We were just wondering if you'd like to retire.

I'm not... I'm not...

I'm not sure I follow ya. I'm sorry. I must get to the next tee.

All right. Let me speak plainly. We can all see you don't belong here,

so why don't you just quietly gather up your things

and let's not cause a scene, shall we?

You know, there... there's one...

One thing I can promise you, uh, mr MacKenzie,

and... and that is no, no, I certainly will not be retiring.

My swing's just about to, you know, click in.

Uh, so, if you'll excuse me, I must get on.

(J“ Billy Preston: "Nothing from nothing" j“)

I mustjust thank a mrs t holness of liphook golf club

for a most wonderful cake, a Victoria sponge no less.

Now, my producer's just handed me a piece of paper.

Either I need a new pair of glasses

or there's something quite extraordinary happening on the course.

That's nothing. Have you seen the new Audi 80?

- Bloody hell. - Bloody hell.

- I mean she is a beauty. - Gorgeous.

'He's played the first nine holes in a phenomenal 63 shots.'

beautiful lines. Clear lines.

I don't bloody believe it. Boys, look who it is.

Who is it?

Some plonker who said he was playing in the British open.

- I thought he was having me on. - Good lord.

'His card reads: Seven, nine, eight, ten.'

'there's a 12 with a question Mark. Not sure what that means.'

'oh, there's a six.'

'the authorities will be wondering how this happened.'

'it says here his name is

Maurice g flit... '

oi, what's got into you flitcroft?

Sorry, I was just trying to get a better signal.

Ah! The snug, come on!

(Song continues)

'Clarke leads by one from Roberts on this opening morning.'

'now then, back to our intrepid hacker on the 13th.'

(chuckling) 'He's celebrating like he just holed for a birdie.'

'but that was for a ten.'

'that makes for an astonishing plus 38.'

'I've never seen that before.'

'now, back to the man of the moment.'

'he's lost two balls on this hole, which makes this one a nine and...'

(chuckling) 'That's in! And the crowd go wild.'

(ringing)

Tony, what've you got for me? A crane driver?

Where from?

Have you got an address?

J“ nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'... j“j“

(laughing)

- Stop, we got it. - Stop moving, flitcroft.

'Oh, dear. That's his fourth shot, he's still not out of the bunker.'

'at this rate, he's gonna end up in Australia.'

'now, either someone's slipped some Spanish liquor into my tea

or his caddie is wearing basketball pumps.'

- 'they are a pair of Bobby dazzlers.' - How do I know him?

'It says here he's representing cumbria county golf club in barrow.'

'well, if he's the best they can do, I wouldn't like to see the rest of them.'

'and he has a sponsor, believe it or not. Vickers shipyard in barrow-in-furness.'

'i wouldn't like to sail on their boats if he's building them.'

'the authorities aren't going to like it, but I can tell you,

the name of Maurice flitcroft will go down in history.'

(songs stops)

- It's quite a common name. - (Hopkins) Hm.

(Slow instrumental music)

What time is it? Huh?

Putain. There.

(Music building)

Qu'est—ce que c'est tout ca?

- Look at this crowd, dad! - Yeah. Must be doing something right.

Yeah, let... let's, uh...

You know, give 'em something to cheer about.

Four iron.

(Sighs)

(Intriguing music building slowly)

(Tense music)

Where is it?

Next to the flippin' pin, dad!

(Cheering and applause)

'Well, this fellow is the story of the day.'

'Maurice flitcroft,

on the last for a birdie.'

'it'll be a surprise if this goes in.'

'wait until you hear the roar

if it does.'

(silence)

'Oh, and it misses on the right-hand side.'

'it was a good effort.'

'This is for, uh, I think 119.'

'Ooh, that was not a positive stroke.'

(j“ Walter Murphy: "Could it be the music" j“)

'It's getting a little bit grizzly now.'

'hopefully he'll put this in.'

'and he does!'

'that's 121 .'

'remarkable.'

j“ could it be the music, oh, yeah j“

j“ it thrills me to my soul j“

j“ could it be the music... j“j“

'oh, double trouble.'

j“ that makes me rock and roll j“

j“ maybe it's the music oh, yeah... j“j“

'i believe that's called the caterpillar, that move, eh?'

'seen my grandson do that.'

'not on a golf course, I must admit.'

'I'm afraid with a score like that he won't be coming back tomorrow.'

'but whether you like it or not, the day belongs to Maurice flitcroft.'

- Hello? - Hello. Can I help you at all?

Oh, sorry. I'm looking for Maurice flitcroft's house.

Oh, well, you found it.

I'm... I'm Jean flitcroft. Maurice is my husband.

Maurice. Lloyd Donovan, "the sun" newspaper.

Wondered if you had any comments on what your husband did at the open?

Oh, how'd he do?

He shot 121. It's the highest score in major history.

Oh, that's good. That mean he's won?

A high score is bad.

Is it? Oh, well. Never mind, you've got to start somewhere, ain't you?

Um, about to pop the kettle on, do you want a cup of tea?

- You want a biscuit? - Thank you very much.

(All) Maurice! Maurice!

How does it feel to have shot the worst round in the history of the open?

I don't feel the score was a fair reflection on the play, actually.

What score would be a fair reflection, Maurice?

That's hard to tell, it's the first round I've ever played.

What do you put your bad score down to?

Well, I'd say the main problem with my game today

was that I left me 4-wood in the car.

I don't mean to make excuses,

but I'm deadly accurate with me 4-wood. Deadly.

What made you enter the open? Was it a joke?

Well, I...

No, no.

No, it's no joke.

Well, I... no.

Are you gonna try again next year, Maurice?

Uh, yes. Yes, uh... I'll be back next year.

I just need to practise a little bit more, and well...

Practice is the road to perfection.

So, if you'll excuse me, uh...

Uh... I'll see you next year, chaps!

- Thank you, Maurice. - Righto, Maurice.

- You showed 'em, didn't you? - (Clattering)

Quiet when you go in, lads. Your mum must've gone to bed.

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, um, still...

Look, at least you tried. That's the main thing, in't it, dad?

Oh, yeah, that's right. I enjoyed it.

- Yeah, good. - Enjoyed it, I did.

- All right. I'll just... - You go in.

- I'll just get me things. - Ok.

(Train passing by in distance)

(Dog barking in distance)

(Door creaking)

- Surprise! - Oh!

Flippin' heck, you nearly gave me a heart attack!

- You didn't tell me! - I didn't know.

- You didn't know? Willie! - All right, mol.

Cliff.

- Great, mol. - Oh, look!

- They did that. - Champion!

"Congratulations, Maurice. Our champion".

- Well... - (Cliff) And you are.

(Jean) You did so well.

I, uh, I wasn't quite as good as I thought I was.

Hey, just your first time, love.

- (Willie) You'll show 'em next time! - Well...

Oh, next time, yeah. Did the lads tell you about the 18th?

- I birdied it, nearly, right on the green. - (Cliff) We saw it!

- You saw it? - On the telly, in the shipyard.

- On the telly? - Yeah.

- — Quiche? - (Cliff) Do you like it?

I don't mind it, quiche.

(Maurice) What are those? (Cliff) Twirls.

- Twirls? - Twirls.

(Cheering)

Get off me!

- (Jean) You all right, love? - You coming for a snout?

No, you're all right.

(Maurice) Oh, did you see? (Michael) Yeah, I did.

Ah. Did you see the 18th, where I nearly birdied it?

- Ha! - I must've missed that bit.

Well, I know the standard wasn't ideal, but...

Not ideal? Well, what were you thinking, dad?

You've never played golf before. I've never heard you mention golf.

But I told you.

You've got to take these things up at age six, you can take 'em up at 46!

Well, who says?

Well, the world says. Ok?

Reality says. Well, look what happened.

What? Well, I were a bit nervous, but...

(Michael) Well, you had every right to be.

- Everyone at the yard's gone hopping mad. - (Jean) What's he done to them?

This disparages the shipyard.

- (Gene) What's "disparaged"? - Have you swallowed a fucking dictionary?

Ok, you two. Can you get out, please?

Nice.

(Maurice) Well...

I'm sorry I embarrassed you, son.

It's not me I'm worried about, dad.

It's you.

The redundancies are gonna be decided this week.

Hopkins watched it as well.

He weren't best pleased.

Sorry, dad.

(Slow song playing in the room)

(Opens door)

- (Gene) Bye, Mike. - Thanks for stopping by.

- You off? - (Closes door)

- So sorry. Drink? - (Guest) Yeah, I'll have one.

(Jean) Lovely, get another round in. (Guest) Yeah, nice. Lovely.

(Indistinct chatter)

(Guests laughing and chatting)

Love, if that's what he decides, it gives you more time to practise, don't it?

Hey?

(Door opens)

- Oh, love. - Hiya.

There's someone I want you to meet.

Hi, Maurice. I'm Lloyd Donovan. "Sun" newspaper.

Listen, uh, can I, uh, get an exclusive?

- Exclusive? - Yeah.

Aye. For a fee, you know.

Oh, of course, yeah. Name your price.

(J“ abba: "Money, money, money" j“)

J“ I work all night, I work all day to pay the bills I have to pay j“

j“ ain't it sad? J“

j“ and still there never seems to be a single penny left for me j“

j“ that's too bad j“

j“ in my dreams j“

j“ I have a plan j“

j“ if I got me a wealthy man j“

j“ I wouldn't have to work at all I'd fool around and have a ball... j“j“

I want him barred! I want him barred from every club in the country!

J“ money, money, money j“

j“ must be funny j“

j“ in a rich man's world j“

j“ money, money, money... j“j“

Bruce.

Maurice. I'd like to join, please. I got the money.

And... I got the shoes.

I appreciate the effort you've made, mr flitcroft,

but I'm sorry, I can't accept this.

- Why not? - We have orders from mr MacKenzie.

Mr MacKenzie? Can I see that, please?

(Bruce) Golf club membership is for amateurs only.

As I entered the open as a professional, I can't join a club?

- Correct. - He accepts that I'm professional.

Professionals can play on any course in the country.

Yes.

Great!

Simply show them your professional golf association certificate

and away you go.

But I don't have one, Bruce.

There's no chance of me even getting one unless I belong to a club.

Like I say...

I'm sorry.

I consider this action a gross betrayal of me rights as a human being.

Me human rights.

Is the British open, not by definition, open to everyone?

Furthermore...

The British open is indeed open to all golfers,

providing they have achieved a standard fit for competing at a professional level.

My mother plays golf. Would I want her eligible for the British open?

No. I certainly would not.

Of course, I wouldn't want your mother to be eligible for the men's British open,

but I would hope that you would consider her eligible

for the women's British open.

- Don't you think? - Good point.

Ought I to add sexism to your list of crimes, mr MacKenzie?

(Jean) I like that a lot.

I now consider the tone of your letters to be unbecoming to my office

and will, therefore, cease replying to them

as of this correspondence.

"Mr MacKenzie feels he has said all he has to say on this matter."

"Apart from to remind you

that any unlawful entering of a golf club is trespassing."

Flippin' heck.

- You all right? - Yeah. Don't worry.

"He trusts this brings this matter to a close."

Oh, you'll show 'em yet, love.

Just need to make them listen, that's all.

(Cheerful jingle)

'We've come outside to the studio car park

to meet the man who shot a world record

of 121 at the British open.'

'he is the world's worst professional golfer.'

'sorry. I don't agree with that.'

'I'm not the worst golfer and I'm willing to prove it.'

'(chuckles) Ok, great.'

'we have set up a little golf course here.'

'it's not a golf course, it's a putting green.'

'great. It's exciting, isn't it?'

'oh, now, that was close.'

'that was a practice shot, get the pace of the green.'

'yes, well, it has been raining out here,

so it could be a bit damp, couldn't it?'

'oh!'

'now, you feel that you should be let back into the open, is that right?'

'yes, an open championship, you know, should be open to everyone.'

'uh, like the fa cup, you know, give the... Give the little teams a chance.'

(Rory) 'Oh! Now, bad luck.'

'uh, I think this ground is... Is sloping.'

'well, uh, everybody does say that this car park is a bit lopsided, so...'

(chuckling in the background)

'I'd best hand back to the studio.'

'thank you to the fantastic Maurice flitcroft.'

'the world's worst golfer.'

'no, I'm not the world's worst golfer.'

'i don't agree with that.'

(chuckling) Good shot, Maurice.

(Cliff) Hey, it's really coming, innit? (Maurice) It's coming.

Practice is the road to perfection, you know?

Oh!

(Door opens)

In here, love.

(Door closes)

- Have I missed 'em? - No, nothing yet.

How was practice?

Was great. Getting better all the time.

(Ringing)

- Boys? - We did it!

We bloody did it! National champions!

We're gonna make history. The world final's next!

Oh, well done, lads.

Oh. Well done. Where are the finals, love?

Fucking France!

You go have fun.

- I love you. - (Hangs up)

They're gone. There. Shall we celebrate too?

- Got some babycham in the fridge. - We should celebrate.

- I'll have a cup of tea, please, love. - All right, love.

Have to do some more practice later to work on me putting.

Love...

Don't be so hard on yourself.

There was a slope in that car park.

I could see it from here on the television.

I don't know what happened.

I got a bit nervous, maybe.

- Love? - Got a bit of me... of me migraine.

- I don't know. - (Tuts) Oh.

Hey.

How do you think that mr Jack Nicholson

would've done taking up the golf at fifty?

Jack nicklaus?

Yeah. No coaching.

- Not one lesson. Eh? - Hm.

And having to practise on a beach with a bloody retriever yapping at his ankles.

- You think he'd have done any better? - It's a good point.

But they still won't let me...

Let me join, will they? So...

- There's no point in talking about it. - All right.

(Maurice) There's no point.

All right.

Well...

They might not let you in, but, uh...

What about if you were to enter as someone else?

- Someone else? - Yeah.

Dashing frenchman perhaps?

Bonjour.

Jean, you're a genius.

Tres chic.

Bonjour.

(Announcer) 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on the tee, from Paris, France,

Gerard hoppy.'

(j“ Walter Murphy: "A fifth of Beethoven" j“)

Ok, you've got this.

Your practice has been sensational.

No one'll guess it's you, so just relax and bring it home, Maurice.

- Again, don't call me Maurice. - Ah, shit, sorry, mol.

Or mol, I'm Gerard, Gerard hoppy.

Gotcha.

(Music continues)

'That's a nice opening drive from the frenchman, Gerard hoppy.'

- 'unusual swing, but, uh, effective.' - Yes!

Good shot, Maurice.

- Gerard. - Gerard. Shit, sorry.

- Shot, Gerard! - Merci beaucoup.

(Music continues)

Yeah.

And that's a steady start for the frenchman, Gerard hoppy.

He's parred the first two holes.

I must confess I don't know much about this fellow,

but he's a natty dresser, I'll give him that.

'This for a bogey for the frenchman.'

'and it's in! My goodness, he rattled that one in.'

who is this Gerard hoppy?

- I can't find him in the notes. - I've never heard of him either.

Merci, merci.

- (Keith) Keep an eye on him. - On y va.

Vive la France.

(Music stops)

'And now, as the breeze gets up, we join Gerard hoppy on the tenth tee.'

'still going well.'

'still going well

in his first qualifier.'

'oh! And that's...'

'he's tweaked that left and it's in the bunker.'

right, it's just a bunker.

Remember your practice! You've done this loads of times, mol!

What?

Oh, shit! Sorry, mol!

I mean Gerard!

Gerard! Shit!

(Heavy breathing)

(Crowd, disappointed groans)

(Cliff) What's up, Maurice?

Cliff...

(In French)

(In English) Please, stop calling me Maurice.

- Shit, sorry, mate. - It's MacKenzie, he's spotted us.

- Where? - He's up there. No, behind us.

Behind. Don't look back. Don't look back.

Mr flitcroft.

Uh, pardon, monsieur.

Je m'appel/e Gerard hoppy.

Uh, merci beaucoup.

- I know it's you. - Stay back, pal!

- This doesn't concern you. - Come with us, please.

Pardon. Je ne comprends pas.

Je m'appel/e Gerard hoppy.

J'habite... Paris, France. Just going to the tee.

Mr flitcroft, you look ridiculous in that wig!

It's not a crime to wear a wig, is it? He's got one, look!

- (Cliff) Come on. - That's it!

(Cliff) Here we go.

This is Keith MacKenzie.

I need police assistance on the tenth fairway. Two trespassers.

Police? You didn't tell me this was illegal, Maurice!

- The game's up, Maurice. - Oh, cliff, you berk.

Right. Come on! Out of the way!

Maurice! Come on!

- What are you doing? - Come with me! Come on!

I've got two trespassers coming your way! Arrest them both!

Repeat! I repeat! Arrest them both!

- Two trespassers, one with a red shirt. - What you doing, cliff?

Get in! Hop in!

Hop in!

(Tony) 'I'm hearing there's been an altercation with an official.'

'and Gerard hoppy, the frenchman, I believe, has commandeered a vehicle.'

j“ it is the night... j“j“

'don't adjust the television, this isn't the "keystone cops".'

'this is actually happening.'

oh, no.

J“ ride like the wind... j“j“

what are we doing, cliff? We're just making it worse.

I don't know, mol, but you'll be all right.

I stole the clothes. They can't get you for that.

You what? No, you...

You got 'em from your mate, down the market.

There is no mate down the market. I nicked them.

Whoa! Wait, wait! Oh! Oh!

J“ I was born the son of a lawless j“j“

(song stops abruptly)

- Shit. - Flippin' heck.

(Cliff) Jesus. (Maurice) Get out.

I can't get caught, mol.

Just" it's just a few clothes, cliff.

No, you don't understand.

I done some really bad things. I can't go back inside, not now.

They'll throw away the key. Jesus Christ, what am I gonna do, mol?

Run.

Just go before I change me mind.

I never killed anyone, though. I swear.

Don't believe everything they say, mol.

Gerard! I mean Gerard! Sorry!

- Tossers! - Mr flitcroft, stop!

J“ accused and tired and told to hang j“

j“ I was nowhere in sight when the church bells rang j“

j“ never was the kind to do as I was told j“j“

(song stops abruptly)

(Tony) 'Now, I am hearing news that mr Gerard hoppy

is not in fact Gerard hoppy.'

'I'm hearing it's Maurice flitcroft.'

'the so-ca/ied phantom of the open.'

(knocking on door)

- You wanted to see me, mr Hopkins? - Now, Mike.

I want to show you something.

'This time Maurice flitcroft, a crane driver from barrow,

was arrested by police

and is being held at southport police station.'

'the ball has been set at a thousand pounds.'

'in other news... '

we're in the middle of trying to secure the trident deal.

And we got your dad taking the piss out of me.

- I wouldn't take it personally, sir. - Gerard hoppy?

I can see what you mean, but...

We provide you with a nice life here, Mike.

Nice clothes, nice house, nice car.

Not bad for a little bastard from bankside, eh?

You gotta decide, Mike.

You're either his sort or you're our sort. You can't be both.

(Slow melancholic music)

(Indistinct chatter on car radio)

(Radio stops)

Mike! Mike!

- No need to shout, Maurice. - No, I'm not.

Eh, thanks, son.

- I'll pay you back. - Don't worry about it.

(Seagulls trilling)

Road sweeper.

Is that it?

Your options are limited. Partly because of the, uh, incident.

I'm sorry.

Those are unusual. You grow 'em yourself?

No, I picked 'em on the way in. I shouldn't, really, but...

No, you should.

Pick all the flowers you can while you're still young.

(Slow melancholic music)

Oi, Maurice! Get back on that course!

Don't let the bastards get you down!

(Music continues)

(News) 'Middlesex beat champions Yorkshire.'

'there were wins for somerset, surrey, lancashire and warwickshire,

who meet at the Benson and hedges final, on Saturday.'

'and finally,

Joe thornbush has entered for this week's British open golf championship.'

'but the organisers believe mr thornbush may really be Maurice flitcroft,

the crane driver from barrow who scored 121 in a qualifying round.'

'championship secretary have kept a sample of mr flitcroft's handwriting

just in case he applied again.'

'that's the news this evening.'

hiya. Oh, smells nice.

Got another postcard from the boys, look.

Look at that.

- Moch-bar. - Moscow.

Moscow.

Look at that.

"Dancing round the globe, drinking a lot of vodka".

Lovely.

Moscow!

Postmark was from two months ago, mind.

- Two months ago? - Mm-hm.

- What they been doing since then, I wonder? - Don't know.

Great!

That's it then.

We really do enjoy our work here.

- We'll be building the brand for 15-20 years. - (Gene, whistling) Michael! Oi!

Oi!

- Hey, up! Mr moustache! - Who are they?

- They're just... - Don't worry, we don't know them.

- If you could keep coming with us. - Michael!

- Mike! Michael? - Excuse us. Excuse us.

- Who are these people? - They're my brothers.

- You're joking? Get rid of them. - Yeah, I will.

- Make it back for the dinner. - I'll get rid of 'em.

- Sorry, one second. - (Hopkins chuckles)

Mike works at a homeless charity part time, just a couple of escapees.

- I see. - He'll be back in a minute.

- What you playing at? - What are you doing here?

We went to the house but there was nobody.

- Yeah, they had to move out. - Move out?

- It's not been great. - Can we crash with you?

- No. - Where we supposed to stay?

- Come on, I'll show ya. - We've nowhere to go.

(Indistinct chatter on radio)

(Knocking on door)

- It's the boys, Jean! Come in, lads! - These are yours, I believe.

(Maurice) Blimey, the whole family back together.

I'll put the heater on.

- (Jean) You wanna sit down? You all right? - It's fine.

Well, what happened? We thought you were on tour, loves.

- It got cancelled. - (Maurice) Cancelled?

- (Gene) Crowds got less and less. - No one turned up?

Yeah, it was like one minute disco were alive, the next it were dead.

Well, that's just, you know, circle of life sometimes, boys.

Is that all you've got to say?

(Jean) What do you expect us to say, Michael?

Well, how about sorry?

For what?

You should have made them get properjobs!

Well... they're living the dream.

- There's nowt wrong with that. - It depends what the dream is.

They're world champions!

At what? Disco dancing? They may as well be world champions at tiddlywinks.

Look at the state of 'em. The fantastic flitcrofts?

The fantastic fuck-ups more like.

(Maurice) They aimed for the stars. (Michael) And now they're in the gutter.

Mike's right. If we'd had a different dad, we'd have done better 'n all.

Reckon our dancing's about as useful as your golf, dad.

(Jean, softly) Boys.

(Kettle starting to boil)

(Kettle stops)

(Jean) Maurice, what are you doing? You all right? Love?

Love, where you going?

Just going out for a moment.

I'm all right.

(Opens door)

(Closes door)

(Thunder rumbling)

Right.

You go and apologise to your dad. Now, please.

But he's not my dad, though, is he?

(Jean) How can you stand there and say that...

- After all he's done for you? - Hey, no.

Everything I've done, I've done meself. He wanted me to be a flippin' astronaut!

He's made your life a misery.

Enough.

(Melancholic instrumental music)

(Jean) When I was 17...

I got, uh,

offered a job to join a theatre company.

Seven pound fifty a week.

Dream come true.

Whole life set up for me.

What happened?

I got pregnant.

(Music continues)

I wanted to keep you, Michael, no question in my mind about that.

But, um...

Nobody supported me.

Not my father, not my mother.

Not my friends.

I trained as a secretary off my own back.

Set up the little theatre by myself.

I brought you up by myself.

Yeah.

Not a soul stood by my side for a single second.

And then I met your father.

(Music building)

(Music slows down)

So, don't you tell me he's made my life a misery.

He's made my life.

He's made all our lives.

Now...

I'm going out there...

To look for him.

And I suggest you come and help me.

I can't, mum, I've got a dinner.

Oh, ok, Michael. Well, never mind, it's your life. Come on now, boys.

(Closes door)

(Wind blowing)

(Thunder rumbling)

(Slow melancholic music)

Maurice?

Maurice?

Jean?

Oh, you all right, Pam?

Hey, you've not seen Maurice, have you?

But here, I've got some post for you.

Oh. Thanks.

Be bills.

Postmark from america, look.

Willie, look at this.

Bloody hell. Come on, we've gotta find him.

Thanks, Pam.

(Gene) Dad? (Jean) Maurice?

(James) Dad?

- Dad? - (Willie) Maurice?

(Willie) Mol? (Jean) Maurice?

- (Willie) Mol? - Dad? I

there he is.

(James) We're sorry, dad! (Gene) We're really, really sorry!

Come down, love! They didn't mean it! None of them!

They were right!

The world's not an oyster!

It's just a barnacle!

I see that now!

What are you talking about, you bloody fool?

(Maurice) I raised your hopes too high, lads!

I'm sorry.

I should've known I would just let you down.

I wouldn't be so sure about that!

Why don't you come down and read this?

(Jean) We've got a plane to catch!

(Terry) Dear mr flitcroft. My name is Terry Moore

and I am writing to you from grand rapids, Michigan.

You won't be aware of this, but, for ten years now,

we've held the Maurice flitcroft trophy

in your honour.

J“ you say this guy j“

j“ this guy's in love with you j“

j“ yes I'm in love... j“j“

(Terry) All the members bring their families and the worst score wins,

not the best.

Such is the affection that our members have towards you and the trophy

we would like to invite you and your family over

for the ten-year anniversary of the competition.

Sorry, mr flitcroft said he's not to be disturbed.

Oh, all right. Well, uh...

Just make sure that he gets this, all right?

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

J“ I got to know you cos j“

j“ I've heard some talk j“

j“ they say you think... j“j“

(Terry) We 'd like to offer you first-class tickets, hotel accommodation

and as many golf balls as you can lose.

We hope you'll accept our invitation and that you have a pleasant flight.

Yours, Terry Moore.

President, blythefie/d country club, grand rapids, Michigan.

J“ tell me now j“

j“isitso? J“

j“ don't let me be j“

j“ the last to know j“

j“ my hands j“

j“ are shaking j“

j“ don't let j“

j“ my heart keep breaking cos j“

j“ ineed... j“j“

- Maurice, I'm Terry Moore. - Oh, hello, Terry.

So glad you could make it. Welcome to america.

Pleased to meet you. Thanks for having us.

J“ say you're in love j“

j“ in love j“

j“ with this guy j“

j“ if not, I'll just die... j“j“

- ah, ah, ah. What you doing? - We're not finished.

I thought she was taking it away, it's almost full. Sorry.

- (Indistinct) - (Song continues, instrumental)

(Song stops)

Flitcroft, it's showtime.

Ok, stay calm.

Ah, to my office please. Thank you.

Mike. Come on.

(Quietly) Mike.

(Dick) 'Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for.'

'Maurice flitcroft will tee off

at his own tournament here at grand rapids.'

(Crowd cheering)

(Quiet applause)

Thank you, mr flitcroft. You've given us much to think about.

Excuse us a moment.

Excuse me, mr flitcroft. We have just one question more.

We were just wondering,

are you related by any chance to Maurice flitcroft?

The crazy golfer?

No, no, no, no, no!

That's a really common name round these parts.

He has nothing to do with Michael. He's a different class of person.

Yes. I am.

He's my father.

Maurice flitcroft is my dad.

(Slow instrumental music)

- An honour to meet you. - We are big fan of your father.

He's the only golfer who is worse than my boss!

Yeah! We're all big fans of Maurice round here.

He used to work here, don't you know? Eh?

(Akira) Can we meet your father? (Kenji) Would he play golf with us?

Yeah, I think he'd like that a lot.

(Laughter)

'What a great opening drive.'

'two twenty yards, straight down the middle.'

'have they got the real Maurice flitcroft?'

'whoa!'

(Maurice) 'Sorry!'

'oh, I think that's him.'

'you ok?'

j“ you could set me free

j“ come on, set me free

j“ we could dance 'neath the pale moonlight

j“ feeling good tonight

j“ feeling good tonight... j“

- We're staying here, brother. - Read my mind, mate.

J“ some satisfaction

j“ is what I've been searching for

j“ got to find myself a... j“

great dancers.

'I'd just thrown away the junior club championship

with a three putt from 15 feet.'

'i went home and I said to my dad: "That's it, I'm giving up golf".'

'i went to my room, switched on the TV

and saw Maurice flitcroft hit four putts from ten feet.'

'i went downstairs and said to my dad: "Maybe it wasn't so bad".'

(laughter)

'Next year I'll be playing at the us masters in Augusta

for winning the us amateur championship.'

'ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Maurice flitcroft.'

(rousing instrumental music)

"Practice is the road to perfection".

(Applause)

- Wonderful speech. - Thank you.

(Clears throat)

'So, mm...'

'uh...'

'go... golf is a game

where you can play well and score poorly

or play poorly and score well.'

'but... but my game was never like that.'

'uh... I...'

'i played poorly and I scored poorly as well.'

'but, uh, if I can inspire just one person,

like this very talented young man, that's a hole in one, isn't it?'

'that makes the whole thing worthwhile. Good luck to you.'

'and keep practising.'

'good luck to you.'

(Slow melancholic music)

'Uh, so...'

'uh, thank you.'

'I'd like to thank, uh, Terry...

Terry Moore and all the members of the club

paying an enormous amount of money, I expect,

to bring Jean and I and the family over here,

uh, for this week.'

'but whatever you paid, the airline lost all our luggage,

so thanks for the clothes as well.'

(laughter)

'Well, there's so many people I want to thank while I'm up here.'

'uh, I'd like to thank me sons, James and gene,

the fantastic flitcrofts,

who you saw dancing on the floor a little while ago.'

'and, uh, I'd like to thank me son, Mike.'

'and, uh, I'd like to thank, uh, Lloyd Donovan

uh, a journalist who's been documenting me ups and downs.'

'but there's one person that, uh, that I've never thanked publicly.'

'actually, I don't think I've ever even thanked her, uh, privately.'

'uh, so tonight, I'd very much like to thank me wife, Jean.'

'if life were a cup of tea,

my Jean is the sugar.'

'without it, it's unbearable, Chuck it away.'

'but with it, it's like...

It's like heaven on earth.'

'she... she's a magician.'

'she is. She's a magician.'

'she's the light of me life

and I don't know how I'd cope without her.'

(quiet instrumental music)

'I love her very, very much.'

(crowd) Aww...

'To Jean.'

(all) To Jean!

(Music building)

(Whistle cheers)

- (Indistinct) - (Music continues)

- Ta, dad. - Ta.

That's caviar, there.

Maurice.

- Champagne and caviar. - Yeah.

Travel the world.

- Yeah, travel the world. Like I said. - Just like you promised.

Shame about the diamonds. I'll forgive you that.

Shame. Wait a minute, me heart.

Oh, Jean, it's rattling some. Me old heart.

Well, what's that?

What've you done?

- Oh, Maurice. - It's come right out of me heart.

Where'd you get that?

Cliff sent it me from his mate down the market.

So, maybe don't wear it in public.

It's beautiful, thank you.

- I meant it. - I know. Thank you.

(Dick) 80, Maurice.

Any more goals as far as golf is concerned?

Oh. Well, maybe sports personality of the year.

I'm surprised I haven't been nominated. There's a conspiracy against me.

- It's kind of not fair, is it? - No, it's sport.

It's all about sport, isn't it?

I mean, for every winner of a tournament there's a 149 losers.

(Dick chuckles)

Wonderful way to leave the interview.

Thanks.

Maurice flitcroft.

The phantom of the open.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

And cut.

Thank you, Maurice.

Will I get my tea now?

Oh, my gosh, I forgot. Can someone get Maurice his tea?

- Uh, was it six sugars? — six.

A lot of pros here in the states get invited to play in the open and don't go.

Why not?

Well, uh, it's a long way, it's expensive...

I got a buddy who's a pro in frenchman's creek, Florida,

and he's not going because he doesn't like the weather in Scotland.

Can you believe that?

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

What's his name?

(J“ the soul children: "Put your world in my world" j“)

J“ everybody got a world j“

j“ they're living in, girl j“

j“ I wanna take you j“

j“ I know I can't make you... j“j“

(Tony) 'Welcome to the first round of qualifying for the British open.'

'we got players here from all round the world.'

'they've got Japanese, Australians.'

'players from France, Germany, Spain, you name it.

'A very smooth looking American there.'

j“ put your world in my world j“

j“ put your plans in my plans j“

j“ we can be together, baby we're the best of two worlds... j“j“

'the course is looking spectacular.'

'so, without further ado,

let's get out on the course.'

'ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome on the tee,

from frenchman's creek, Florida,

gene pachecki.'

j“ so, it stands to reason j“

j“ people fussin' all the time j“

j“ just take my hand... j“j“

come on.

J“ I know you understand j“

j“ that you gonna be my woman j“

j“ baby I'm so gonna be your man... j“j“

isn't that Maurice flitcroft?

J“ yeah j“

j“ all you've got to do for me is j“

j“ put your world in my world, oh j“

j“ put your plans in my plans j“

j“ we can be together, baby we 're the best of two worlds j“

j“aw, awj“

j“ ooh, ooh, ooh j“

j“ girl, you've got my soul j“

j“ can I have your mind? J“

j“ oh, baby, look here j“

j“ but you can make my whole world better j“

j“ just put your world in my world j“

j“ put your plans in my plans j“

j“ we can be together, baby... j“j“ (Song stops)

(Newsreader) 'B/ythefield country club

is in the midst of it's tenth annual flitcroft member-guest golf tournament. '

'an event named after Maurice flitcroft.'

'Maurice flitcroft, a crane driver from barrow.'

(dick) 'Do you wanna go on? Are you looking maybe at the hall of fame?'

'the hall of fame, back home, maybe, uh, sportsman of the year.'

'I'm surprised I've not been invited or nominated for that:

Sports personality of the year.'

'there's something going on.'

'there's a conspiracy being waged against me.'

(j' Jimmy James: "A man like me" j“)

J“ I won't spend my life on a shelf j“

j“ I need you, my baby j“

j“ and nobody else... j“j“

'to explain to those who don't know about golf.'

'you're gonna putt as if you were on a green.'

'you're gonna aim for this thing. Quite dramatic, isn't it?'

(Tom) 'Oh, that was a nearly.'

(Anne) 'A lot of pressure. You shouldn't speak.'

(Tom) 'You need a few shots to get used to the pace of the green.'

- 'this is not going too well, is it?' - 'This floor's sloping.'

(song continues)

(Dick) 'A man of your stature,

and your competence on a golf course,

we can't leave without some tips for golfers like myself.'

'person picking up a golf club for the first time,

what would be your advice?'

'my advice, well...'

'um...

'Practice.'

'that is the road to perfection. Regular practice.'

(song continues)

(Song stops)