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During the night of September 13/14th 1964,

the world was in peace.

But who was, during that particular night,

the first person to pull a trigger?

Who broke the Vase of Soissons again?

Or, indeed, who delivered the first kick in the arse?

What is he? Crazy?

Hello?

Please, excuse me, Your Excellency. I'll join you presently.

Did Your Excellency enjoy his trip?

His Excellency slept. Like a baby.

His Excellency Benard Shah probably overslept.

Maybe he's in the wrong car?

Compartments 14 and 15, Car 8. No possible mistake.

I don't like this one bit. No, not one bit.

- Oh, bugger! - I can only tell you one thing, sir!

His Excellency is no longer in his compartment.

- Impossible! - Well, you can ask my colleague Fiduc.

I don't care about your certainty.

And on top of this, I've landed with three stiffs.

- Well? - Well...

Dumoineau was killed,

and His Excellency Benard Shah disappeared, Colonel.

Congratulations.

You really are the gifted type, ain't you?

We've been dogging his steps for years,

we know he's going to deliver rockets to the South-Asian rebels

and to flood the West Indies with heavy mortar shells,

and that's your moment of choice to lose him.

This will no doubt be appreciated.

Well?

I salute you, mister President.

It's confirmed, his Excellency Benard Shah disappeared.

Congratulations.

We're going to open for you the most secret files in contemporary history.

The events and characters in this movie are so hugely believable,

that it would be superfluous to vouch for their authenticity.

But this testimony is also a tribute to those

whose part in furthering human respect,

freedom of thought and social progress can never be overstressed

the "Barbouzes"... commonly called "intelligence agents".

The disappearance of weapons tycoon, Benard Shah...

just exploded like a bomb.

Secret services, of the interested powers

sent their most perceptive and dynamic agents,

all of them fascinating synthesis of brains and muscle, to find him.

Among those, let's distinguish:

Look, this is not possible!

I rented a penthouse, and I'm leaving in one hour!

Very well, colonel. Yes, colonel. Goodbye, colonel.

And this is Francis Lagneau, a. k. a. Little Marquis,

a. k. a. Cherub, a. k. a. Red Heel...

Well... We're not going to Plougastel anymore.

...a. k. a. Furbelow, a. k. a. Good Manners.

In some circles, he's also known under the alias Requiem,

a. k. a. Bazooka, a. k. a. Bullethole, a. k. a. Helluva Punch.

Now, how mean can people be?

A citizen of Geneva,

an agent of the banks and a depository of neutralist thought,

here is Eusebio Cafarelli, a. k. a. The Canon,

an entomologist and a distinguished mind.

His mystic strain, very hostile both to Saint Thomas

rationalism and Scholasticism' mechanic orthodoxy,

sometimes lead him to brutal acts, frowned upon by his conscience.

But the best of men can't be perfect.

A countryman of Goethe and Wagner, here is Hans Muller,

a. k. a. The Handsome Doctor.

A philologist, a musician and a humanist,

a thirsty for truth researcher,

he was the author of the now unobtainable work,

"Sensitive points, or a therapy against lying"

Hans Muller! Schnell, Hans Muller!

A firm believer in coexistence,

Boris Vassiliev, a very gifted subject,

was very young when he earned the nickname Trinitrotoluene.

A virtuoso piano player, a confirmed pyrotechnician,

Boris is considered by his superiors, a rowdy aesthete.

But Benard Shah remained unaccounted for.

An unplanned event at last, gave an edge to the French.

Since police informers do not exist and do not benefit from Social Security,

the French intelligence service used their legendary instinct

to learn that Ben Arsha just booked

a suite in a great hotel in Istanbul.

You got my point, right?

You're just getting back in touch, with a very dear friend.

It's a courtesy assignment, so don't be overzealous, be tactful.

- Don't you know me yet? - I do. That's why.

I am very glad to see you here, sir.

If it goes on raining, strawberries will be late.

But the frogs will be early.

His Excellency is supposed to arrive, anytime now.

Good.

- What name, sir? - Mister Bonnemand.

We booked a quiet room on the 7th floor for you.

The seventh...

the quietest of all... we usually keep it for our best clients.

Would you show me to my room, please.

Whenever you want.

Has Mister Benard Shah arrived?

A Chinese just fell from the balcony. He's dead.

One client goes away, another client arrives.

It sometimes happens that, faced with a common enemy,

the West succeeds in joining forces.

Oh, no, sir.

Mister Benard Shah hasn't arrived yet. No, no, no, no, no...

At the same time, mister Benard Shah died in Paris,

in the great tradition of President Félix Faure.

Madam Pauline! Madam Pauline!

He doesn't move anymore. He doesn't say anything anymore.

Ladies!

- What's up? - A riding accident.

Yes, I can take a message, if you insist.

The little cat died.

Is that all? Er... how do you spell it?

S- H-A... oh, good heavens!

Colonel... the little cat died.

What? The bastard!

His Excellency Benard Shah, a great friend of France,

died one hour ago in the arms of his commendable wife,

in the former Hohenzollern castle, near Munich.

A death as inspiring as his life was.

And what else?

What do you mean, what else?

Well, now that you gave me the version intended for tabloids

and women's magazines, maybe you could give me the real one?

Here it is, and it's rather annoying.

Madam Pauline is not Benard Shah's wife,

and her brothel in Rue de Chazel,

doesn't look one bit like our dear departed's castle.

- So what? - So what?

Well, you'll bring His Excellency back to his estate,

lay him down on his master bed,

offer our best wishes to the widow,

and then go home.

That's it. And what if I'm caught at the frontier with His Excellency?

If you wanted to be covered, my dead chap,

you should have signed in the Gendarmerie.

Oh, mister Lagneau,

you don't know what parties we had in the time of His Excellency.

Be assured that I regret it.

It wasn't at all, what you're thinking of.

Look, madam Pauline, one can't help seeing things as they are

a mirrored room, a Chinese boudoir,

girlies in the living room,

when I was young, we used to call it a...

Of course, if you want to play on words.

Words can be made to mean anything.

For mister Benard Shah, my house was rather a scenery,

a way to make believe that he wasn't older,

that he still lived in the old days.

He wasn't so much interested in shenanigans,

than in tradition.

My, my, isn't this handsome Rudolf?

The faithful mahout! The epitome of household servants!

You know me?

I do. That's glory for you.

A bad day, isn't it. The weather is getting cloudy.

Yes, I do grieve.

No, I'm not talking emotions here, I'm talking justice.

What about your ten years sentence in absentia?

- But I thought His Excellency... - His Excellency was very influential, yes

His Excellency had secured polite amnesia from our files,

but His Excellency just croaked.

- What does it change? - Everything.

Oh...

Shall we drink to the past,

or to the future?

To the present.

You'll have to be really understanding, little Rudolf.

I'd even say, cooperative.

This is my dearest wish, mister Lagneau.

Oh yeah? Drink first, will you!

Your trust is deeply moving.

I was thinking of Marcel Lauranet, your old pal,

with whom you had a drink once.

Circumstances were different.

What would my cooperation involve?

Bringing the ashes home.

I thought as much.

This way, I'll feel like I'm serving the master one last time.

Up to now, I've always worked in the private sector

but, you know, I wouldn't say no to an administration.

An important administration. You know my references.

Yes, we have them all archived.

And taking up a lot of space, I must say.

Well. What do we pack him in?

NATIONAL MUSEUMS SERVICE

In two years, it's bye bye ladies and gentlemen.

I'll be at level 7, the kids are raised,

I've got my house in Dordogne.

One must retire when still young.

One must retire when still alive, and not everybody can afford it.

Stop there, will you? We'll have a bite.

I'd better find a parking space in the shade.

- Good morning. - Colonel.

- How are you? - Fine.

Once you've crossed the frontier, you'll be Ludovic Besnard,

Cousin Ludo, for whom His Excellency had the utmost affection.

His widow won't be able to refuse, welcoming you.

Well, I intend to split as soon as the condolences are over, anyway.

No, you won't. There's something new.

Is there now?

Your mission, your real mission, will begin after the funeral.

Although I really regret it,

I have to give you a few pointers.

This is so good of you!

Everybody knows that Bernard Shaw was selling weapons,

but what everybody doesn't know, is that he was buying some too.

He'd even done nothing else for ten years.

The old ape understood, that bacteriological

and thermonuclearjunk, might wipe the planet out,

including all of his clientele.

No more living men, no more clients.

He therefore used his huge wealth, to buy dangerous patents.

A- bombs, H-bombs, every bomb in the alphabet.

I don't have to tell you that if these heirlooms, fall into unenlightened hands,

we'll have the Apocalypse out in a mass-market edition.

The twentieth century might be the last in the series,

should madam your cousin fuck up.

Oh, my cousin?

His Excellency's widow and only heir.

Her name is Amaranthe, born Antoinette Dubois.

Will you have lunch, sir?

I'd certainly like to. What have you got?

Today, we have pork ribs, stuffed veal escallops or rabbit in wine sauce.

Well, I'll have the stuffed escalope as a first course and then pork ribs.

No, wait...

I'll have the rabbit instead of the stuffed escallops.

And then the ribs. And...

just slip a stuffed escalope with it, will you?

Of course you won't skip dessert?

- No. Do you have tarts? - Yes.

I'll love to sample them just after the cheese.

And then, well, some sweet nothing, whatever you've got,

- either cream or ice-cream. - Yes.

- Go, kid, go. - Where were we?

Amaranthe... my cousin... Antoinette...

Yes, we must know what she intends to do with the patents collection.

She may sell to whomever she pleases.

We intend to make an offer.

It's now being discussed with whom you know.

While the discussion is underway,

no competitor must reach her, do you hear? None.

And if they do?

If they do, you're out of a job.

Why the silly laugh?

Because this time, if I understood correctly,

six hundred millions people will be out of a job, as well as me.

You really are a brute.

Excuse me, colonel,

but you know, it doesn't take much to make a brute laugh.

A missile passing by, a mushroom blossoming in the sky,

the Angkor temple flying over the Paris suburbs...

Everything makes me laugh, I've got simple tastes.

- Will you stop it? - Yes, colonel, yes.

What's with you? You're all distracted.

On eye on your food, the other one on God knows what.

On the lorry.

You can talk all you please

I'm only two years from retirement.

Imagine if it's stolen from us!

OK, Let's go.

In this violent, rough and bloodthirsty world,

a ray of light sometimes pierces the darkness.

As a case in point, just like the angel's in Reims,

the face of Amaranthe Benard Shah,

His Excellency's disconsolate widow.

How funny that you kept all of these.

Everything can be of use again.

One must never throw away anything. Just look.

Weren't you wearing this in Istanbul, in "The mysteries of Paris"?

No, in Beyrouth, in "Lo! Here comes the mailman!"

Yes, come in!

With my lady's permission, I share my lady's grief.

Faithful Rudolf, thank you.

His Excellency has been laid to rest in the funeral chapel.

I couldn't find the Lebanese flag,

so I ordered black drapes to be used.

- Yes, it's sober. - Classical, tasteful.

I also gave the "King Charles the 10th" bedroom to my lady's cousin.

He's waiting for my lady in the library.

- I'll come down directly. - Very well, my lady.

I saw him downstairs, earlier, by the way.

A strange character, this young cousin.

How strange?

He doesn't exactly look like a thug, but...

He doesn't look like an undertaker either.

With Constantin, I was somewhat used to meeting weird people.

Amaranthe!

Don't pay any attention, Rosalinde.

Blame it on the shock, on the concussion,

on that awful piece of news.

I'm cousin Ludovic. Little Ludo, as he used to call me.

But let me assure you, cousin, that I'm really sorry to visit this house

in such bleak circumstances.

Poor Constantin. Making your acquaintance, comforts me a little.

It's the lot of divided families to meet only at funerals.

Thank you for all the pains that you took.

I insist, Rudolf told me how selfless you were.

No son could have done more, than you did.

He more or less died in your arms, didn't he?

Er... More or less, yes.

His last thought was for you

and he passed away with only one name on his lips, yours

Father Cafarelli.

I was deep in prayer when I was told the terrible news.

So I jumped up, I flew,

I ran here to support you, madam,

during the painful ordeal that God imposes on you.

Your admirable husband used to confess to me,

or rather to confide in me.

What? The dear cousin converted? When?

I had the huge joy of bringing back his soul to the Lord.

But how comes you're so surprised, sir?

Were you a friend? A close friend, perhaps?

No, sir. I'm family.

Ludovic is Constantin's first cousin.

My dear Constantin never mentioned this particular kinship.

No doubt he forgot.

Could I be so bold, as to ask from you

the permission of paying my last respects to him?

We were just about to do that ourselves.

The dear Constantin always wished he would die here,

among his collections,

his old servants... his pets.

Near the dear French cousin, he loved so much.

I beg your pardon.

Doctor Muller from the University of Frankfurt.

What a terrible misfortune, madam!

His Excellency had been my patient and my friend for years.

I brought him to total serenity,

almost to Hinduism. Alas, madam...

Thank you, doctor.

Now, please, brothers, let's pray.

It might not be useless, indeed.

Ah, little sister! My heart is bleeding!

Boris is devastated, he's drowning in his tears!

What a dork!

Let me take a good look at you.

How splendid is your western demeanour!

Boris, he screams with pain, you, you suffer inside!

I think your pain is leading you astray, sir.

Madam is the one, who suffers inside.

Ah, despair! Madness!

Come into my arms, Anouchka, little sister!

I ran in horror, I took the Tran Siberian,

then the Tupolev, awfully screaming all the time.

But who might you be, sir?

But... Boris, of course! The almost-brother!

That poor dear Constantin suckled at my mother's breast in Odessa.

Ah, Odessa!

I can still picture us, our games, our songs...

Ah, the perfume of tar on Odessa's docks!

The sea breeze blowing in the hair of poor dear Constantin!

I though he was born in Tehran?

So what? They sing in Tehran as much as in Odessa, don't they?

Yes, but the sea breeze is slightly weaker,

Tehran is two hundred kilometres from the shore.

A bourgeois conception of distance.

Anouchka! My brother's little wife.

Boris will give you the kiss of peace.

What is this?

These are the gentlemen's luggage.

The gentlemen are not staying.

Yes they are. They're staying at the castle up to the funeral.

And I'm telling you to throw all this junk away at once.

First, since my lord died, I only take orders from my lady.

Second, I'd be grateful if you showed less familiarity when talking to me.

What's got into you?

West Germany very seldom grants extradition.

And Mr. Muller advises you not to renew

the van kidnapping trick every three months.

See what I mean?

No, absolutely not.

You shouldn't be rude anyway.

Boris Vassiliev was extremely courteous,

and father Cafarelli has very good manners,

so should I feel sympathy for your colleagues, sir,

sir, your stay here might be quite difficult.

You don't care who feeds you, do you?

I'm prolonging myself.

Ah, suffering! Painful moment!

It's comforting to observe the courage of the one who lost her loved one.

Isn't it?

I'll tell you one thing, if the mujik keeps rambling,

the kid's going to think we're a bunch of loonies.

And it's no use trying to mess with my plans.

Indeed coexistence can only be conceived between people of the same condition.

It can also stay unconceived altogether.

Won't you take more jam, father?

Dear Constantin loved jam.

To think that he's up there, that he sees us.

But, precisely, as he sees us like this, assembled in his home,

around his table, partaking of his wine and bread,

his heart must be bursting with joy.

What's your trouble, my friend?

Whenever little brother is mentioned, I...

You should try to control yourself.

Would you like doctor Muller to give you a tranquillizer?

Thank you... Unnecessary.

Gentlemen, with your permission, I will now retire.

I feel a little tired.

- I'll escort you upstairs. - Please, gentlemen...

Amaranthe, I...

I was really pleased to make your acquaintance.

So was I, Ludovic.

Thank you, gentlemen, for keeping me company.

Without you, I would feel so lonely in this huge house

which is at once so full of memories and so empty.

You are admirable. Your courage! Your dignity!

Your elegance! Your style!

Goodnight, gentlemen.

The heat of friendship helped keeping me on my feet,

but I must confess a slight tiredness.

Well... goodnight, gentlemen.

Goodnight, dear friends. Sleep well.

One always sleep well when in the country, you know.

Gentlemen, I think we should now exercise a bit of common sense.

We must concede that, during the night, a few things occurred

that were slightly uncalled for.

Absent-mindedness, childish pranks, jokes...

A joke which, even if it weren't mean, almost killed four people,

you've got to admit it.

I was myself the victim of a loathsome assassination attempt.

It would be convenient to forget about it for a while, dear Muller.

I'm not attacking the principle but the means.

Yes, parents bit on sour grapes and the children ground their teeth.

Violence breeds violence.

That's it. And as you sow, so shall you reap, and so on.

But what exactly do you want to say?

This, the house is cosy, the food is superb,

our hostess is lovely.

Why can't we temporarily repress certain... reflexes?

Why not elaborate on the idea of a truce

that we somewhat summarily mentioned last night

and which would bring harmony to our stay here?

And when the time comes, who will warn Boris that the truce is over?

The good father himself,

as he throws a grenade in your face.

Or as he slips a scorpion in my bed.

Let's not over dramatize, it's not lethal.

Sometimes it is.

Leonid Botchakov in Lima

and Willy Smultz in Barcelona didn't survive it.

Are you accusing me?

Of course not, what a silly idea!

But then again, in some of our schools,

the scorpion killing is taught to our future agents as the "Canon's Trick".

What about the Boeing dynamiting trick?

With 114 Beluchistanese activists on board? Does it have a name?

Never heard of it.

What about the liquidation of the Koenigsmark network?

Forty people burned to death in oil fuel.

That's not much, but not everybody can do it.

Of course, you'll argue that among those 40 people...

I shall not argue at all. I'm not talking to you anymore.

Good morning, gentlemen.

What a beautiful day!

The sun playing on the dew in the park,

earlier this morning, was absolutely ravishing.

A real Sisley.

I hope the noise wasn't too much of an inconvenience.

What noise?

Tonight. Probably a badly closed shutter. Thank you.

I didn't hear anything.

I was woken up by the songbirds.

The builder is here. For the bathroom wall.

Oh, yes, indeed, it fell down.

Commodore O'Brien.

How much is Europe offering?

I'll buy all the patents, the whole lot! And I'm paying 20% more.

What patents?

I'll explain. Have some decency, sir

You are in a dead man's house.

Oh, sorry. I pay cash and in dollars!

- What a boor! - He's abject.

I said cash! And in dollars!

How much would it amount to?

What is money, Anouchka?

Don't you think you reacted rather strongly?

I always react strongly when a lady's honour is at stake.

Your answer is a credit to you, doctor.

But you, father? A man of the cloth!

Are you forgetting how the Lord himself

drove the merchants out of the temple?

He did? Very well.

Rudolf, while the builder is here,

would you be kind enough to tell him to call the glazier?

I already did, my lady.

Little mouse didn't finish chocolate. Neither did Boris. Why?

I hope the intruder didn't kill your appetite.

Don't you think that weird things keep happening since yesterday?

Look, I'm on expert on weird things,

and I can tell you that everything is normal.

Up to now...

To my dear cousin, from his Ludo.

To my great friend Benard Shah.

My respects, madam.

I offer 25% more. In dollars.

Ludovic! Ludovic! Ludovic!

Discreet, ain't you? I say, discreet, ain't you?

Why don't you come in a fire engine next time?

The widow has all the patents, we know it.

The diplomatic negotiations failed.

It's impossible to create a buying consortium between NATO countries

everybody wants everything.

Francis, we must have those patents!

We must have them, do you hear?

O'Brien fights with dollars . How much may I offer?

- Not a dime. - How generous is France!

We don't have any credit, but we have charm.

Here are your orders

courting, seducing, eloping and, if necessary, marrying.

Oh, well thought! Do you remember eating veal stew, a fortnight ago?

- It was superb! - Thanks to whom?

- Thanks to your charming wife. - So? Asshole!

Small problems, major?

Don't bother, I already decoded mine and I can transmit orders

seducing, eloping, marrying.

Seducing...

- Eloping... - Marrying...

Oh, Anouchka. My sweet dove.

Do not move. Stay just like you are.

Your lips are smiling just like the Virgin's in Kazan.

Boris is a pig! An ignoble pig!

I would like to die of love, to dissipate myself in space, to vanish!

You just wait, daddy.

Who can tell me

whether it's from love.

Who...

Who can tell me

whether it's from I...

From love...

Who can tell me

whether it's from love.

To the loveliest of roses.

You shouldn't have, doctor.

You were mad to buy those roses, there are so many of them in the garden.

No the same ones, little fairy.

These are compressed vinylite.

Impervious to sea water, antimagnetic, fluorescent and fire proof.

What is this noise? This is insufferable!

Probably the workers repairing Cousin Ludovic's damage.

What on Earth are you doing here, cousin?

I'll explain.

Oh! That's my little buyer coming back.

Whatever the cost, I'm paying 40% more. In dollars. Tax free!

Oh, hi!

40% more. Remember...

I pay cash!

Ah, now, Boris is going to drive away all the miasma.

Music before anything else!

Boris is going to play for grace, for beauty...

for the little Virgin of the Caucasus.

Dear lady, may I be so bold as to beg you for an immediate private discussion?

Well, if you wish, but what's with you today? You're all so nervous!

No!

Hello? Hello?

Amaranthe! My heart is bleeding!

I'm going to die! Like Werther!

Come on, Doctor, get a hold of yourself.

Hello! Hello! Hel...

Oh, shit!

Hello? Hello?

Come out of there!

- What the hell are you doing here? - Hush! I'm moving about.

Can't you do it the normal way?

This secret passage was built under Frederick the 2nd

and is noted on the plans.

Oh, guess what I just found in a broom closet!

- A cleaning woman. - Why? Is this logical?

Yes. Given the fact that the butle is inside the piano, yes it is! Where is my lady?

Usually, at this time of the day, my lady

is dreaming among the hollyhocks, the sweet Williams and the philodendrons.

Why? Do you hope to win the prize?

What do you mean?

The Cossack and the Kraut have just been distanced.

In the long run, I can clearly see the American horse winning.

But, of course, you could create a surprise.

Are you daydreaming, cousin?

Amaranthe, I've got to talk to you.

I hope you'll be more entertaining than the others.

I certainly do not intend to be entertaining.

Truth is never entertaining. If it were, everybody would tell it.

And you intend to tell it to me?

Yes!

Alright, my name is not Ludovic and I'm not your cousin.

You don't seem surprised.

You know, when a perfect stranger brings your dead husband home,

bombs your bathroom and throws your visitors through the window,

after a while it takes a lot to surprise you.

Figures. But believe me, Amaranthe, I'm a victim of appearances.

All right, let's grant you that. You're not my cousin,

but I don't think that you're exactly a gangster either.

- Amaranthe! - What do you do then?

- I'm a "barbouze". - Beg your pardon?

A secret agent. Well... secret, up to now.

- A spy, you mean? - A counter-spy!

And the others too?

Oh, no, no, no! The others, the three punks, they are the spies!

They want to get hold of the patents that your husband left you.

And what are those patents?

I'll explain...

How much are they worth? A lot?

Everything is relative.

You all seem interested.

Vassiliev tells me in music, Muller with flowers.

Yes, I know, "I'm going to die, like Werther!"

- Oh, you heard? - No, not everything

I had wired a suit of armour,

but one of the three punks, disabled the microphone.

Why were we saying all this?

Oh, yes!

Here goes. Amaranthe!

You are French! You love your country?

Yes, I guess so.

I was sure of it.

Can you picture the situation?

You own capital atomic secrets!

Yes.

What? Don't tell me you would be willing to sell them to some foreign power?

Why? Isn't the dollar a strong currency?

I'd rather not understand.

You should. I do understand very well.

I don't get it, Amaranthe.

Would you be a greedy woman?

This is really disappointing.

And to think that I opened my heart to you!

My dear Ludovic, it's easier to open your heart than your money box.

Let me tell you that you're getting vulgar.

Oh, listen, Ludovic. I'll tell you something now,

of course, I'm the lady of the manor, but there wasn't always a manor.

Before that there were hotels, not always luxurious,

and before racing horses there were bedbugs.

At sixteen, I was selling cigarettes in the Rue Fontaine,

and not in a tobacco shop.

In the "Ange Rouge" club, wearing fishnet stockings.

I did a little of everything in my life, and quite early too.

I even acted on the stage... well if you can call it that.

You think you're going to play "Phcdre",

and you end up belly-dancing on the Bosporus.

And I was too thin for them!

Do you want more details?

Well, I don't want it to happen again, if you can imagine that.

What's your name, by the way?

- Francis. - Francis who?

Francis Lagneau.

You see, I'm telling you everything.

Maybe I'm wrong, mind you.

Twenty years in the service, a mystic of duty,

more than 50 missions, the war; the underground fighting,

and one day, this officer meets a very young woman,

a beautiful and disconcerting woman.

No! I'm about to become a traitor.

Look Francis, would you just stop for one second?

I'm not asking much, stop being a hero forjust one second.

Our relationship could be so much simpler.

We could be friendly without draping ourselves in the French flag,

without the Yalta conference being threatened

or France loosing the islands of St. Pierre and Miquelon.

I must say I admire your light-heartedness.

Yes I do...

Oh, bugger, you're right after all.

Let's bring champagne and violins,

let's call the gypsies,

and if I end up cashiered in front of the troops, at least I'd have lived.

- Francis... - What?

Don't you think you're overdoing it?

I do. I knew I would suck in that part anyway.

But you must grant me that mine is not an easy job.

...well, when you own 400 hectares and more,

you don't feel too crowded by the neighbours.

Going all around the estate is a two hours ride at full gallop.

If we have our horses saddled at 10, we can be back for lunch.

Provided you don't lose me on the way.

Don't worry, honey, I've not ridden since last year in Saint-Germain.

And I have not ridden for twenty-five years.

In Nancy, at the Seventh Dragoon.

I can ride for three hundred kilometres in a row,

without any saddle or stirrups.

Once I abducted a Hungarian boyar's wife.

Can't you see we're not welcome?

If Francis doesn't mind, the best would be to picnic on the lake shore.

What are you looking for?

My cigarettes. I left them in the library.

- Stay here, I'll get them. - Thank you, Francis.

Didn't I tell you he was delicious?

You stay here!

Well, since nobody wants any dessert, I'm going upstairs.

I offer one million dollars!

I hope this Chinese incident

will not put you in an awkward position with your superiors, dear Francis.

They were Japanese.

Beg your pardon: mine were Chinese. Imperialist Chinese from Formosa.

Help!

I heard something moving in there!

I offer two... million dollars.

Well...

Two millions! Remember!

You really are wonderful, Francis.

I'm in danger and you run to save me.

The others didn't even move.

I like it better that way.

So do I, Francis.

Can you picture this bunch of boors in your bedroom?

So true. With you, it's not the same thing.

Not the same, not the same, not the same...

You look worried.

Shouldn't I be? I must say it's never pleasant.

What did I do to you?

You didn't do anything, but all the others...

What with the Yankee, the Chinese, all those misfortunes,

you'll end up thinking I'm the violent type.

- Oh! - Yes you will, yes you will.

Why do you say that?

Because I know how it is, Amaranthe.

People are often judged on appearances,

that's a fact. Look

what if I told you that, when I was 13,

I was expelled from the Janson de Sailly high school for a mere punch in the face?

And I was defending a smaller child...

Oh, come on...

You mean I never received any punch in the face?

Oh, you certainly did,

but not at Janson de Sailly.

Who are you, Francis, really?

A bastard! Pure trash!

An abject cockroach! A phlegm-drenched sycophant!

Can you imagine how embarrassed I am,

being forced to lie to you all the time.

OK, you're right, I never went to Janson de Sailly.

You, on the other hand, were talking about the "Ange Rouge" club.

Do you know where I learned the classics?

- In the Coliseum. - I knew the place.

Did you?

We spent our Sunday afternoons there, Lucienne and I.

At the time, I was Antoinette and Rosalinde was Lucienne.

Oh, yeah?

- Cha cha was just beginning. - Cha cha! I pity you.

Why on Earth?

Because you were there too late.

What did you know? Contortionists. Acrobats.

You never knew what it means to cuddle.

Oh, we weren't keen on tropical things,

but we liked the suave stuff, St. Louis Blues, Chinese Tango...

Yes. First pick them up, then bring them to the nice hotel.

Believe it or not, that was not our style.

We went there to dance.

And sometimes, rather than being driven home,

we even walked all the way to the Contrescarpe.

- Where did you say? - The Contrescarpe.

Do you know where I was born? Rue Mouffetard.

- You don't say? - I do.

I was building sandcastles in the Luxembourg.

Oh, I did the same in the Parc Montsouris.

Are they going to regress down to their nursing bottles?

Say, now that we're not lying to each other anymore,

may I ask you a question?

- Of course. - Are you married?

Of course not.

In my line of work, you can't be married, buttercups.

When I'm not on a boat, I'm on a plane.

Always a suitcase in my hand.

One day in Borneo, the next day in Shanghai.

Love from Russia. Banco in Bangkok.

- One mission here... - One girl there.

Oh, come on, don't be silly.

I swear he's giving us all the trouble in the world! All of it! All, all, all!

Mein gott, he found the microphone!

Do you know what I'm thinking of?

Yes. Of the National Defence,

and my little thermonuclear inheritance.

That's right.

Forget all this for a while, darling, let yourself go.

I can't.

Of course you can. Let me show you.

Why do you sweat so much, my dear Hans?

Because I'm thinking.

I wonder. Will he dare to come down?

Who? Sardanapalus?

I picture him stupefied, sprawled on his litter,

drunk on debauchery.

He won't come out before the sun goes down, like a nocturnal bird.

I can't understand the little dove. I was there, wasn't I?

Tell me, Rudolf, what about croissants?

To get croissants, a trip to the village is necessary,

and I don't have anyone that can go.

- The servants? All of them? - Poor devils.

Good morning, gentlemen.

If it is not our venerable colleague!

In the simple apparel of a just pulled out of sleep beauty.

Please, reassure us, my dear Francis!

I hope tonight's events didn't upset our hostess too much.

I'm asking you

because I think you saw her after we did.

What does she say of all this?

She says, "Get lost, the whole lot of you".

Yes, if you can believe it, Mrs. Benard Shah

is fed up with your antics,

and she thinks you're the tiniest bit too noisy for the neighbours.

And very, very ill-mannered.

From now on, it will be necessary to possess style and composure.

Translation?

You have half an hour to prepare your luggage and say goodbye.

Gentlemen...

What shall we do? Shall we kill him now or shall we have coffee first?

We think.

My head is empty. I'm always devastated by treason.

It's a matter of training.

I'm always inspired by it.

Friends! Dear friends! Thank you again for all your kindnesses.

You gave me some of your time, which I know is valuable.

Your numerous occupations, professor...

Mr. Vassiliev just had a stroke!

He's foaming at the mouth! It's awful!

- Where is he? - In his room.

I'll see him. Bring me my bag.

- Poor man! - What's his trouble?

Rabies or beriberi,

the exams will tell us. He's badly stricken.

Let's send him to a hospital, then. I'll call an ambulance.

Don't you dare. The poor man cannot be moved.

- What if he's contagious? - Don't be afraid,

I'll watch over him on my own. I once treated lepers.

Do you think he's in any danger of dying, my dear professor?

He might be.

In that case, my duty lies in this house. I'm staying.

What a devotion, gentlemen. What a lesson! It's admirable.

Congratulations, my dear, really.

You were worthy of a Dostoyevsky character. A regular epileptic!

- Yes, but the soap trick is atrocious. - But impressive.

What about the monster now? How do we get rid of him?

I suggest an old wives remedy.

Some kind of herbal tea. You know, bad health through plants.

That's rather bland.

I'd rather have something a little livelier, happier.

Something like this.

- What is it? - This? This is a slow by-product of nitro-glycerine.

Five or six drops in his soup

and the patient explodes. From inside.

Come on, Boris, old chap,

stop playing with your chemicals or,

one of these days, you're going to blow US up.

Well, if you'd rather have amateur work.

Did you see? He betrayed us.

Him too. I think we're about to enter a very active phase.

You booby-trapped his car!

No, this is the work of impersonators,

of forgers, of loathsome copycats!

Sabotage! Sabotage!

Don't worry.

- What if they follow us? - I'd be surprised.

Fill her up, please!

Look, Amaranthe, what I'd like you to understand is where your duty lies.

The French government is temporarily out of funds,

you can't ask them to...

I'm asking them to forget about me, period.

Look, Francis, when I left with you, we had an agreement.

Let's try and think only of us.

Let's make believe that I don't have anything to sell,

that we just met on the Rue Mouffetard.

Don't we have a right to dream? Don't you ever dream?

I do. Of Joan of Arc.

Thanks. Have a good trip.

How to become a secret agent, by Rémy.

All right, we're all set.

I've got our tickets. Oh, here's for you.

You must admit that I'm the stupidest girl in the world.

Of course not.

Now, look, here's our schedule.

Ten minutes from now, we're at the airport.

Our flight leaves in half and hour, and we reach Lisbon in three hours.

Tomorrow morning at ten,

you run to your bank and take the papers out of the safe.

At 11:40, we fly again.

At 02:00 PM, we're in Orly. At 03:00 PM: Hotel Matignon,

my respects, mister minister sir, and we get rid of the paperwork.

- You see: nice and easy. - For free?

Yes! Your obsession with money is really strange. How come?

Let's say I'll give it all away, I'm crazy, OK.

But what's the big hurry?

Well, as long as you own those patents, the fighting won't stop.

Well, you saw a sample of it with your own eyes, didn't you?

Don't kid yourself: it might start all over again.

Microphones under the bed, killers in the closets,

- dynamite in our soup. - But I'll be with you.

No matter.

Suppose I off the three clowns that you met, just to get us some air,

three others would enter the stage on the very next day.

- Come on, let's go. - Wait. My things.

You only have to read the papers

in our line of work, the changeover is always guaranteed.

Don't check the time every minute!

I'm thinking of the bank. It will open in half an hour.

Where would we spend our honeymoon?

I don't know. What about fishing for trout in Auvergne?

Do you like fishing?

I never tried it. Oh, yes, I did, once, for sharks, in the Caribbean.

Oh?

Well, maybe I could suggest Scotland and the grouse?

Except if you've gone hunting before.

- Just once. - Lions, in Kenya?

Yes.

Hey, you're not going to have a fit

just because I threw a line in the water and saw a lion, are you?

I'm not having a fit.

It's just that when you told me about your life before me,

it sounded like you spent it in the slums.

I note that you were in fact having fun, that's all.

Did you know Benard Shah?

Not at the top of his health, I didn't.

65 years old, 140 cm around the waist and two conversation topics

the stock market and cholesterol. I endured this for four years, so...

Come in.

Good morning, madam. Good morning, sir.

Madam's luggage just arrived.

Come in. Put this here.

Have a nice holiday, madam. You too, sir.

What is this?

I didn't bring anything, darling. Just an old suit and a toothbrush.

And may I know where all this comes from?

Dior.

No, I'm not asking from whom, I'm asking from where.

- From the manor. - Oh, damn!

Hello? Can you speak French, operator?

Good. Please connect me to the French Embassy. Quick.

I'd like to speak to attaché Pironneau, please. Thank you.

I'll try to secure two seats in the night train for us,

because I'd rather use a railway station than an airport.

Will you hurry!

I've got to wash my hair.

You'll wash it in Paris, that's what you'll do.

I can't visit the minister with greasy hair.

I saw his wife in Paris-Match. Always immaculately dressed.

This is Cherub! Che-rub!

I want two seats on tonight's train, fast.

If I say train, I mean train.

No, not an airplane, my pockets are full of airplane tickets.

I want a sleeping car, I tell you!

If it weren't a holiday period, I wouldn't need you!

I can tell you... Look, I'll call you back in five minutes.

- Commodore! - Hello, Francis.

Congratulations, you're first!

- I hope I'm not intruding. - Of course not.

You know, I thought a lot about you since the other night,

and I think I took the logical decision.

You offer four million dollars?

Oh, no, I'm going to throw you out the window.

Please, excuse me, father.

Oh, Mr. O'Brien! How do you do?

Darling! Don't get excited, I'm almost ready.

No... No, mister Vassiliev!

No! Francis!

I don't like Lisbon.

So you don't like Venice. I already know Capri.

You've got bad memories in Turkey,

and I'm forbidden to go to Brazil.

If it goes on like this, we could have a honeymoon in Barbizon.

Why not the Bahamas?

I took this, just in case, at the hotel.

Without compare, a spellbinding stay, an eternal summer.

Holidays for millionaires.

The problem being, we're not millionaires.

No, but we could be.

Look, you swore you'd never breached the subject again.

From now on, you are a heroine.

You're aware of realities. You despise money.

Especially since you're loaded for as long as you live, so...

Come in.

Sir, madam, at what time should I wake you up?

- One hour before arrival? - No, that's too early.

One hour before arrival.

Alright.

You said, one hour before arrival?

That's it.

What were we saying?

We were talking about sun and millionaires. And the Bahamas.

Chances are that we'd get bored. All the rich are depressive.

What do you know? You never met them.

Fifteen.

I don't need to see fifteen of them.

No, I say fifteen because I saw a bearded man passing by.

The Russian"barbouze"was disguised as a monk to kill the German agent.

Oh, it's you? Come on, get in.

And I'll tell him, mister minister sir,

now France must be generous.

The next time they bestow it, you'll get the "légion d'honneur",

no question about it.

You could at least give me the rosette.

A mere ribbon looks cheap on a haute couture suit.

- Thirty. - What?

Sorry. Another bearded man.

Come on, get in.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, I'm sorry, miss, yes

Sorry, I'm confused.

Forty.

Another bearded man. Maybe it's a convention.

What's your problem?

One bearded man is a bearded man.

Three bearded men are "barbouzes".

Come on, get in!

Don't cry, I'm alive.

And I'm dead.

I can't stand the shame.

O'Brien threatened me, he took the briefcase, and Io!

Hey, chief! Chief!

He's been seen around the dining car.

Agent Fiduc is watching him.

Where are you going, sir? The restaurant is closed.

Keep this for me, I'll be back in no time.

Excuse me, sorry.

Hello? Fiduc, here. He's coming your way.

Don't worry about the papers.

Hey, you.

Hello.

Remember, cash!

A beautiful victory of mind over matter. Kudos, chief!

And me? Bastards! Come back!

OK, you two stay here.

Alright, anybody ask you for the time, a light or the way to the sea...

- We shoot them. - That's it.

I can't understand this, darling. Look what I just found in my purse.

Washington City Bank. Four million dollars?

You're not mad, are you?

Antoinette, you are absolutely amoral.

I didn't do it for me. I did it for us.

You didn't want us to go to the Bahamas,

because you didn't want to use my money.

You're so sensitive, and so old fashioned,

so I thought with foreign money,

it was different. We can tap it.

Can you picture yourself in a lounge chair,

on the shore of the Caribbean sea.

Indeed, I wouldn't mind a little sun.

We'll be tanned when we come back.

You can tell your wife you're coming back from Congo.

My wife?

What do you mean, my wife?

Your spouse. Well, your wife. Search your memory.

A guy with a sash. Your best man.

Two rings. Doesn't it ring a bell?

You're out of your mind. This is crazy.

Look what O'Brien gave me. With the check.

I don't believe this.

I can stand insinuation and slander

but if they resort to trick photographs.

See, that's why I'll quit someday. This is unwholesome!

- What? - Didn't you hear something?

You don't have anything to fear. This is a genuine bunker.

I stationed two blokes outside the door,

and they both studied under me.

Tigers, both, they wouldn't budge unless they're killed,

like at the battle of the Marne.

He still thinks this is the Marne.

We're going to teach the Yangzi to the big!

What about your sister?

Is she still living in Peking?

And, to follow orders, he became bigamous.

...and was so much more happy ever after.

Translation: Goupil66