All language subtitles for Shelved 1x02 - Things Fall Apart FICTION ACH (English)

Excuse me. Could you
help me find a book?

- Ah.
- "Virginia's Bacchanal" by Elodie Goldblatt.

Yeah. That should be under
Adult Fiction in the Gs.

- I'm happy to walk you over.
- No. It's not there.

Oh. Well, that means it's misfiled,

and if that's the case,
it'll take some time to...

Uh, check the tables
behind the Caribbean

and Black Studies section.

Oh. Thanks.

Mm.

- Um...
- It's the hot new shame-read,

and there's a quiet table back there

where you can read without any judgment.

Right. Things work differently here.

Uh, excuse me!

Please don't run in the library!

My God. You're such a kid-hater.

I don't hate kids. I'd hate
them if they ran at any age.

Yeah.

Hmm. Having a bit of a morning?

Yeah, well, between a system
that I don't fully understand,

patrons I can't seem to connect with,

and an infrastructure I can
only describe as hostile,

yeah, I seem to be having
some trouble fitting in.

Mm. When I was new, I had
trouble adjusting, too.

- So, you know what I did?
- You requested a transfer to Midtown.

No. I found the thing
that made me fit in here.

Like, Jaq's thing is working
the library's socials,

and Bryce's thing is
enforcing the rules.

And mine thing is finding
new ways to build community.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good idea.

Um, I'll think on it.

Yeah.

My thing. What is my...

Oh! Thing! Oh!

So, yeah. We should get

a branch hamster. Hmm?

- Huh.
- Yeah.

Huh?

Well, you are in a better
mood today there, Big Library.

What, did you overhear somebody

correctly conjugate the word "alumni"?

Well, that's actually to
decline, not conjugate, and no.

I just had a talk with Wendy, and now,

I think I know my thing.

You going to write sexy
fanfic about Heritage Minutes?

I'm going to help this
place run more smoothly

by making some much-needed fixes.

Huh. Not a bad idea. I can
think of two or three things.

Oh, well, why don't you add
them to the list of 27 things?

Okay.

What can I say? I love making lists.

Would you be okay with me
using the library's socials

to document this disas... uh, project?

Oh, yes, of course. In fact,
it's the list I could do.

You should use the "at"
symbol for Midtown on this.

Yeah, I will. Who's Patt. Truth?

And why have they tagged
us eight times today?

Patton Jefferson tagged us.

Who's that?

You really... He's a speaker
of uncomfortable truths,

a prober of hard questions.

A host of a bad podcast.

It's called Lamestream Bias,

and it's just misinformation
and ads for testosterone cereal.

- Cereal bars, young lady.
- Why is he tagging us?

It looks like he's been slagging
public institutions all week.

"The biggest waste of taxpayer
money... lie-bar-aries."

Clever. And he's gone on
to tag every Toronto branch.

Sorry I'm late, everyone.

I got carried away designing a flyer

- for our exciting new project.
- Oh.

We're starting a human library.

What the bleep is a human library?

It's a community-building initiative

where people can volunteer to
be borrowed from the library.

- Borrow people?
- What I mean by "borrow"

is that you would have an
eye-opening conversation

with an interesting Parkdalian

about their exciting life story.

Could we maybe change the name?

To what?

I don't know. Uh... Peoplioth�que.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

- Bit of a mouthful.
- That's perfect.

- You're good, Howard.
- Peoplioth�que.

- Howard.
- Sheila.

- Hi.
- What... what are you doing here?

Why aren't you at the Settlement Desk?

Oh, I'm only there 10 hours
a week. The rest of the time,

I'm trying to get my law degree.

Law degree. My goodness.

Objection. Sustained. Overruled.

- Cool. You have a TV.
- Uh...

My parents own this place,
and I cover the changeover,

because they're divorced.

Like, pending restraining
order divorced.

- My dad.
- So good to meet you.

- I'm Howard.
- You have a job?

- Yeah, at the library.
- Nice to meet

Sheila's handsome friend with a job.

Oh, seems like my dad
has a crush on you.

- Oh.
- What can I get for you?

I'll get it. You two catch
up, nah. What would you like?

Oh, I'll take a mostly-damp
matcha latte cappuccino

with oat milk, and I say
"mostly damp" because, of course,

I prefer it just a
centimetre more wet than dry.

So, what's with the cheery mood?

Well, I have identified
27 different inefficiencies

at the library, and today,
I am going to fix them all.

Wow.

Oh, can you wipe the steamer, please?

Ah.

Yeah. I got to work on my stuff,
too, at the Settlement Desk,

you know, make it more
accessible, touch up the sign.

You know, we get so
many new Canadians in.

They can't even seem to
find the desk. They spend

half their appointment
trying to find me.

Oh, really?

Um, thank you.

Um, and sorry for the trouble.

Mostly damp? What kind
of foolishness is that?

- I don't know, Dad.
- It wet.

And with that, incipiat Fix-It Day.

Okay. For this one,

use a catchy hashtag,
like "better Than ever."

Okay. Just when I thought
it couldn't get cheesier

than "to-do list duellist."

Oh, don't forget to
tag Midtown and Isla.

Right. Okay. Yeah. I'm
totally going to tag your ex

in a post that says
you're doing totally great.

You know what? You're right.

She'll see it from the Midtown account.

God. Oh.

This Patton Jefferson again.

Oh. What?

"Our city's library
system is a hashtag mess.

Shame our tax dollars
are getting wasted."

The only thing he hates more than us

is a properly placed
period! Zing! Alliteration.

You know what? I have a
witty retort of my own.

- No. Just don't feed the troll.
- No, no, no, no.

"Mr. Jefferson, why don't
you come down to our library?

I think you'll find that it's
hashtag better than ever."

- Send that.
- Okay.

And take a picture of me over here.

Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, and...

Got it.

Oh, hey, Jaq!

What do you think?

"Are you an interesting
person looking to connect?

Wendy wants to ch... check you out.

Join me for some one on one."

Don't you think it's a little...

Ooh. You're right. I hear it.

Mm-hmm.

"One on one...

and a whole lot of fun."

Wink-y face.

- Now, it rhymes.
- Yeah.

Who's going to tell her?

No one.

We're going to let this play out.

Tastes like success.

And a touch of sulfur.

Bryce, I did it.

All 28 tasks completed.

Tonight, I'm treating myself

to a re-watch of Julie and Julia.

Can't you just eat a
block of cheese in the bath

- like everybody else?
- Look. I found my thing, all right?

And it's being myself. Turns out,

all this branch needed to run smoothly

was a little Howard after all.

I'm, like, kintsugi personified.

That's those strips
of beef on rice, right?

It's the Japanese art of mending
cracks in broken pottery using gold.

I'm the gold, and this
branch, well, it's the pottery.

Sounds like crackpot art to me.

- Ah. You see what I did there?
- Yes. Sadly.

There's a great little kintsugi place

'round the corner if you'd
like to go grab some...

What happened?

It's an overnight water catastrophe.

- Whew. Fixed it.
- Thank goodness, Owen.

I really appreciate you
coming in on your day off.

I would have been here
sooner if I wasn't mid-game.

I'll be back on stream in 30, Enrique99.

Puppies in a purse. How did this happen?

Some jerk turned on the
valve to the water fountain.

I turned on the valve, but
I didn't know about the leak.

Dude, I will snipe you
when you're not looking.

- Whoa.
- Not you, Howard.

Freakachu is low-key grief-ing me.

Thank you so much for taking initiative.

I so appreciate it, but,
um, here's the thing.

Now that this area is
wet, after-school tutoring

is going to need to move
near the comic books,

which means that the
tutees will be distracted,

which means noise, which means...

I wasn't thinking.
I'm sick to my stomach.

Uh, next time, I'll make
sure to run this by you.

Yeah. Great.

Excuse me. Hi.

- I'm looking for Wendy.
- You must be here

for the Peoplioth�que. Come with me.

All right.

I am so excited to get this started.

Oh, me, too. I, uh, I
heard you're looking to find

that, uh...

- ... special someone.
- So, tell me about yourself.

Why should I take you out?

Oh, wow. Right to it. Okay.

Well, I run my dad's grocery store.

I drive a second-hand Lexus,

and I own not one

- but two parakeets.
- Uh...

My friends suggested that
I put myself out there more,

so here I am.

Otherwise, I'd just be at
home alone, eating soup.

Soup?

I'm the Fantastic Kevin.

Nice to meet you, Kevin.

The Fantastic Kevin.

Oh, sorry. Fantastic Kevin.

The Fantastic Kevin.

Tomato, beef and barley,
Italian wedding...

One time, I met Lionel Ritchie...

... 's Quebecois impersonator.

Instead of singing "Hello",

he sang "All�".

Egg drop. Oh.

Chicken.

Chicken noodle if I'm
feeling adventurous.

I'm telling you, Gatineau is a scene.

I got sick the first day

and spent the entire time on fluids.

It was... Ugh.

Mmm.

The best trip of my life.

Printer's jammed.

Again?

- Howard! Printer!
- Shh.

You know, I know a guy
who could fix that, cheap.

He'll even do it for Bitcoin.

Oh, no. We've got it covered. Thanks.

But come see me later
about this Bitcoin guy.

Do you even know what Bitcoin is?

- No.
- Guys, I found the jam.

That is the third jam today.

Why do so many people
have access to the printer?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh. I
installed the plugin

on all the computers yesterday.

You can only print from
one terminal, Howard.

Otherwise, the printer gets overwhelmed.

Now, we are at the mercy of our patrons.

Yeah. Speaking of, does
anyone get a weird vibe

from them today?

They look like a barbecue of dads.

- They're Patt-ree-ots.
- Oh.

I'm sorry. Pat-tree-ots? What, have you

only ever read that word before?

Pattriots is what we followers of
Patton Jefferson call ourselves.

Ooh, and there's the merch. They
got the hats and the t-shirts,

and, oh, they got bottle openers now!

What are they doing at our branch?

Oh! Oh.

Yesterday, I may have inadvertently,

accidentally invited him...

What's up, Pattriots?

Wow. So glad to see so many of you here

for my visit to the Jameson Library.

Today, we find out whether it
really is "better than ever"

or a complete waste of taxpayers' money!

Ask the tough questions, Patton!

Go back to your own country, Patton!

Right! So, smile for the livestream.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, what have I done?

I was born in Parkdale.

Raised right around the corner.

And, um, you started working
at a bank or something?

Actually, I moved to
Denmark in my early 20s.

- Oh, you did?
- Yeah. I just wanted adventure,

which explains how I
ended up in Antarctica.

Oh, it's always been
my dream to go there.

Yeah, but by then, I was
just checking off continents.

The first six were easy,
because I was on tour.

Oh. What band did you tour with?

I wish.

I was in Cirque Bicyclette.

The French-Canadian
circus extravaganza?

But... but now, I
just run a small bakery

that Guillermo Del Toro
visits whenever he's in town.

Oh, my... Brian, you're
practically perfect!

You're the exact person I've
been looking for all along.

- Now... let me ask you a question.
- Mm.

How much do you know about BDSM?

- Excuse me.
- Mm.

I left some books on the
front shelf a couple days ago,

- and now, I can't find them.
- Oh. I'm sorry.

I must have put them away.
I thought they were misfiled.

Howard! Printer's jammed again!

Um... Oh!

Why don't you take "Michel and Angelo"?

It's a Belgian comic
about twin boy detectives

who have adventures all over
the world. You'll love it.

Is that by the artist who draws

people of different cultures racist-ly?

What?

Uh, excuse me.

You know, that was really
just meant for the kids.

That was really not meant for you.

Um, okay. So...

What fresh hell is this?

I think those kids you
told to stop running around

needed to run around,
and I think their mom

would appreciate them
running around, too.

My mom's getting impatient,

and I still haven't found my book!

Howard, there's this
rowdy stranger locking me

out of my office. He's
huge and intimidating!

So, can you get rid of him, please?

Did you flatten out the carpet?

- Yes, I did.
- Bob uses that to orient himself.

- Well, of course.
- Ja-me-suck!

- Hey, hey, are you okay?
- Ja-me-suck!

- Ja-me-suck!
- Uh...

Ja-me-suck! Ja-me-suck!

What the labradoodle
is going on out here?

I can't believe my eyes.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

I am someone who cares about this city.

- Yeah!
- You know, I came

to this lib-rary...

... willing to give it
the benefit of the doubt,

but it's not only poorly-run.

It is a den of subversive
leftist activity

and sexual depravity!

Patton! Patton! Patton! Patton!

If you need the library to
read, to print off r�sum�s,

or to use the washroom, you can stay.

But if you are here to vent
your misplaced frustrations,

you can get the heck out!

Language.

All right, Pattriots. Let's
take it to the streets.

Where can I get one of these?

I thought I could help
that place succeed,

but I don't know. Maybe
Jameson is beyond saving.

Yeah. I'm telling you, dude.

That place is one stabbing
away from being Winnipeg.

Come work with me at the
museum, where it's safer.

Yeah. Actually, are you running

that exhibit on the Punic Wars still?

Carthago stupenda est?

You're a riot.

Um, you know what? Um,
I'll think about it,

- and I'll get back to you.
- All right. See you.

- Hi, Howard.
- Hello.

Did you ever watch The Muppet Show?

- Yes?
- Every episode,

they line up a bunch of acts,

all of which go horribly wrong.

Fozzie tells terrible jokes.

Gonzo fails at a stunt,

and Kermit runs around
like his head is cut off.

But at the end of the day,
that's just what the show is.

But it'd be so much
better if they rehearsed.

The Muppet Show succeeds
because it is a beautiful mess.

Jameson is our Muppet Show.

And I guess by changing things,
I've disrupted the ecosystem.

We've had to turn our
lacks and our losses

into wins, and it's created
a really special dynamic

that is unique to this branch.

I'm used to a certain...
standard of quality at Midtown.

Well, that's the problem, Howard.

You were thinking of Midtown.

And you were thinking of Isla.

Yeah, maybe a little.

It's tough to be at a new place

when you're still missing your old one.

But you can't change
Jameson to serve you.

You have to serve Jameson.

So maybe next time, don't
try to fix 27 things.

Uh, 28 things.

Maybe curate a shelf

or... or greet everyone
with a smile, you know?

Help the show succeed.

You know what? Yes. I'm going to try

to embrace its idiosyncrasies.

Like that Muppet that throws the fish.

Sorry you had the wrong
idea about Peoplioth�que.

You have to go. The chocolates can stay.

Jaq, why are you denying
candidates access to my program?

I think they're more interested
in having access to you.

- What are you saying?
- Wendy, they're not here for the Peoplioth�que.

They're here because they
think you're looking for a date.

Why would they think that?

Read the poster.

"Come to Jameson for a good time."

Sounds fine.

"Wendy wants to check you out."

Huh.

"Let's stimulate each other."

Oh, no.

I wrote a horny personal ad.

Yeah. I tried to tell you yesterday,

but then it became funny.

Ah.

Hey.

Are you here for a human library,

or are you here to date me?

To date you.

Uh, Brian, I think you're great, but...

Oh, oh, oh, no.

I'm here for the Peoplioth�que.

I was part of the original
Human Library back in Denmark.

Oh. You're so cool.

Well, um, I'm so sorry to
disappoint the rest of you,

but, uh, I'm not looking for love.

Oh.

That's okay.

Why don't we all go out for a drink

and kind of see where this thing goes?

I'll message you about the
details for the program.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right. Terrific.

Oh, well, sorry this backfired.

I can help reword the poster.

Maybe you get some actual volunteers.

All I want is for people
to hook up with strangers.

I'll write the poster.

I hear it now. Ugh.

Uh, sir, I'm going to have to
ask you to exit the library.

Debate me.

The library is closed.

I think I win.

I'm sorry. We're closed.

Oh. Um, don't worry.

I'm going to fix that.

- You moved this here?
- Yes, but don't worry.

I'm going to move it back.

- No, no, don't. It's perfect.
- It is?

It's visible from the lobby,
so people know to come here,

and the signage is very clear,
if not a little ambitious.

Jaq even said that there were new people

looking for resources.

Howard, this is so thoughtful.

Thank you.

I did good.

You did good.

Well, you know, it's a
pleasure to serve the library.

Well, we're lucky to have you.

I got to run, but I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah. See you.

Ooh! Ah, yes.

The beautiful mess.

Whew!

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, someone's in a good mood.

What, did they post a new
episode of that Lamestream Bias?

Yup, and Patton Jefferson's
thinking of running for mayor.

Oh. You know, that
checks out for society.

On a positive note, you know,
I think I found my thing.

Yeah? Is it a thing for Sheila?

No. Absolutely not. No.

Well, maybe.

You know, as a friend,
if that's what you meant.

That is what you meant, right?

'Cause that's how I took it
that you meant it. Is that...

I think you'd make a nice couple.

Hmm.

It's too bad she's married.

She is?

You happy now?

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