Original subtitles

How's that sound...?

Fifth anniversary, blah-di-blah.

GORDON LAUGHS

Da-di-da-di-da.

This film contains strong language

GORDON VOCALISES

I think it was just a bit loose.

Can I get some water please? Oh, yeah, I meant to get you that.

Thank you.

SWISHING

How's that? I can hear it.

Okey dokey, let's give it a read.

OK.

OK.

Right.

Erm, so, aye, what do I want to talk about?

Perhaps it would be best to tell you exactly what I've got.

Oh, who am I, eh?

My name is Gordon.

I'm 39 years old...

..and...

..and...

..I have a brain tumour.

GASPS

When first diagnosed, it was a Grade 2

with average life expectancy of around seven to ten years.

Crikey.

But within six months, it upgraded to a Grade 3.

The median survival for adults with the same tumour

is about two to three years.

Brain tumours are literally head fucks.

I called my tumour Rick.

Hullo!

And I've been conscious of Rick's desire

to get rid of me for seven years now.

Seven continual years of living with my likely death.

After my diagnosis, I started writing and illustrating comics

as I found they were the best tool

to convey my thoughts and reactions to cancer.

And I do seriously believe

they have helped me come to terms with what is happening.

Or...as close as anyone can get.

How else are you supposed to deal with...

..finding out you're going to die when you're 32?

Do I have a belly that size?

I'm going to give myself some droopiness there.

I'm not very favourable about my own...

..facial features,

so maybe I was just trying to hide as much as possible.

The beard hides my mouth.

I think I do have expressive eyebrows.

HE LAUGHS

But, yeah, why do I not show my eyes?

It's one way to still keep...

..some privacy, you know?

I wondered at some point whether...

..it's comic Gordon that's got the tumour and it's not me.

So, when this kicked off again two years ago...

..it hit me because I was like,

"No, no, because it's not me that has the tumour, it's him.

"No, no, no, no.

"Him. Him, not me."

You know, which is just silly because, you know, he doesn't exist.

WHISPERS: But he does. But he does.

I've come down to Brighton for the first time

to attend my second Graphic Medicine conference.

Those conferences have so many creative comic writers and artists.

I'm looking for inspiration for my next book.

So, I presented my book

at Dundee, three years ago.

I don't know if you were there three years ago. No, I wasn't.

So I've not been to this for three years. Oh, neat.

Yeah, so I was just really excited to come down.

And I've never been to Brighton either.

Are you going to be selling this at the marketplace?

No, because it's so late that we... Yeah, yeah.

..managed to actually come down.

Yeah. Consider that sold. Oh!

You could slip it in the bag while I find some money. Thank you.

Well, it's a comic, so there's lots of humour in it as well.

Yeah, yeah. You know, there's lots of good...

Why am I not surprised by that?

This man has had me laughing since the first second I met him.

There's an Inspector Gadget reference in the book as well.

Oh, I like Inspector Gadget.

Oh, brilliant, brilliant.

See, that's Rick - that's the tumour, that's Rick.

Before this all began, before all the tumour stuff,

I had began drawing more, but not to this extent.

Yeah.

I'm still learning.

And this is automatically queuing you into the fact that

what you're going to get is some kind of bad taste, gross-out humour.

And I was like, "OK, I can use this as a vehicle

"to present it as something that's funny."

I have had an Oligodendroglioma,

a malignant incurable brain tumour, for ten years,

which is what I was told when I was first diagnosed

the average life expectancy I would have.

See, I admire you. See, like,

I just started wearing hats cos I've started to go bald.

Uh-huh.

And then I have like the scar and I just said, "Forget it."

Like, I used to have, like, long luscious hair.

I was very proud of it. And now it's middle-aged.

I was told I had to wear a hat

to protect it after the radiotherapy or the chemotherapy.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.

I was just protecting my ego, really.

You know, when I was diagnosed,

there was like... I didn't know anyone with cancer

and none of my friends or mates knew anything about it.

I knew no-one with serious illness.

There were no books I could find for young men

except for Lance Armstrong's book.

And that model didn't work for me - to, like, "out-man" cancer.

I was like, that's not for me.

And so I said, you know,

"I need to write things that I would have wanted

"to have read in that position,"

because I thought, for me, there was no life.

I would never be able to get married,

to have a profession or do anything.

It's been a journey to learn.

But I think the journey would have been much, much shorter

had, early on, somebody given me a book like this.

Because I had to learn many of these tools on my own.

Yeah, yeah. And if earlier on I'd known,

"Oh, he was diagnosed at two years that he was going to live

"and here is at five and he made a comic? Like, he drew this?

"Like, he's articulate?"

Just knowing this existed would have decreased my stress,

not even reading it would have decreased my stress immeasurably.

I feel like I've left something.

I can die now.

But I think...

I've left something that maybe could help other people, I hope.

Thank you.

Two years! Shawn and I have been together for two years now.

I need something.

OK?

The recipe for apple pudding?

You mean mom's apple pudding? Uh-uh.

GORDON LAUGHS

All right, I'll go look, OK? You're my hero.

So when Shawn and I first met...

..it was just so relaxed.

We just seemed to click.

The oven is set at 350 degrees.

What is that in Celsius?

Cos they don't have Fahrenheit ovens here.

Well, you'll have to put that in your phone and figure it out.

OK, thanks.

Two and a half tablespoons of shortening.

All right.

One half-teaspoon cinnamon.

Mm-hm.

I didn't expect a long-term relationship

with somebody visiting Edinburgh on business.

No.

Shawn lives in Virginia, USA.

And I've only been over once.

LIVELY PERCUSSION

Till Friday. Oh, right.

Yeah, short visit. What's that?

Short visit. Oh, right, OK.

THEY CHEER

What do we want? Trans rights!

When do we want them? Now!

There's a few times in your life where,

like, your life becomes so crystal clear

and you become so conscious of being in the moment.

And when I met Gordon, like all of my senses just

zeroed in, like a little cosmic bell went off that said,

"Pay attention to this.

"This meeting is important, for whatever reason."

And it was.

It was just unfolding just sort of naturally and spontaneously

and, for whatever reason, I can't even remember

the question I'd asked...

Maybe it was about the future - like, you know,

where do you want to be in five years?

You know, something like that. And...

And he... You know, I could see, like,

he was uncomfortable with that question

and saying,. "Um, um, um, um..."

And then he just sort of leapt and said, "So...

"..I have an inoperable brain tumour."

And, um...

I was like, "Oh.

"OK."

How does that signify?

I don't know.

Like, how can you meet Gordon

and not want to be part of his life or part of his journey?

Come on, let's go louder!

Louder!

CHEERING

# Rolling Rolling

# Rolling Rolling... #

No more.

So yesterday, right, first thing in the morning,

you had a pretty big seizure. Mm-hm.

Cos you don't lose consciousness,

you're still aware, but like, what...?

What's happening?

I wish I could answer.

But I don't know how to explain it.

So it's not like I'm preventing...

It's not like I'm keeping things from you.

No, no, no...

It's not like I'm keeping my words from anybody.

It's just I don't, I can't explain it. I don't have the words.

And also, a lot of times, it's like,

because you're not quite here, because I'm not quite...

I can't exactly remember.

You're...You're kind of...

All...All I can remember is...

..I know that I am scared.

All I know is that I'm scared because

it takes me back to the very first seizures

where this all started.

That's what's going on for you?

And that is... Yeah, it takes me back to the very start

where I find out and I'm taken to hospital

and I don't know what's happening and I can't speak.

Oh, wow. Oh Jeez.

The big pink bear is awesome. It's great, isn't it?

The orange is quite nice on that, I think, the reduced orange.

Can she do rainbow prints?

We're good man, we're good.

What was that? We're good.

Right. I love you, Gor. I love you too. Hey...

..good luck.

Bye!

Bye. Bye!

You've had the MRI scans before,

but it's just to quickly double check these questions again.

You've not had a pacemaker

put into your chest or any artificial heart valves? No. No.

You've not had any aneurysm clips put into your brain,

or any shunts put into the brain? Nope.

Have you had any accidents where metal could have got in your eyes?

No. Apart from the head surgery, have you had any other operations?

No. No. And nothing new in the last couple of months? No.

You OK?

OK, Gordon, 12 seconds for the first scan, nice and still.

I have tried to write in the illustration

the MRI scanner.

So...

HE IMITATES MRI SCANNER

HE IMITATES HIGH-PITCHED WAIL

They are quite pleasurable.

It's horizontal techno.

But of course, you can't dance.

PERSISTENT BEEPING MERGES WITH TECHNO SONG

OK, Gordon, well done, that's you all finished.

I was quite surprised when

the active part of the tumour was actually bigger.

It's 3mm bigger than it was before.

This is chemotherapy,

these two drugs.

These are poisoning me right now.

Took me a while for my head to actually accept this.

I still was just going around thinking,

It's fucking bigger.

Fucking bigger.

I've taken three courses of this, I'm struggling to walk,

and it's got fucking bigger.

It's not even just the same size.

Fucking bigger.

BANGING

Richie, I've actually known since primary school.

He's also the one who suggested I did comic books about my tumour.

Come out, man.

Like, I create work and then that's where my head stops.

He sees work and that's where his kind of head starts.

So, I've just printed the second edition.

Oh, right. So, it's a bit different. Uh-huh.

And there you also have the feasibility study.

Because have you ever had an MRI? No.

What if we take the MRI sounds and give them to musicians

and then they create music from that?

So, we're actually going to take these 25 minutes of MRI sounds

and we're going to... I know, I've had an MRI scan myself.

Have you? I have, yes. Right.

So if you were to have to go back for another one,

would you, would you remember,

going on our installation MRI, would you then think of ours?

And be less stressed? Yes, probably.

Sorry, I'll just...

Don't, don't, don't feel scared.

Eh? Don't feel scared. We are. We are. Aw!

THEY LAUGH

They have recreated the sound of someone having their hair cut

and the binaural microphones were so amazing

they could capture like every snip.

And it felt like you were actually getting your hair cut.

Wow. What does that sound like?

I forget that. It was amazing!

Stop laughing at me.

The difference between pre-tumour artist

and post-tumour artist Gordon...

..I finally opened up...

..which was highly unusual.

HE CHUCKLES

I consider that highly unusual for me...

..to kind of expose myself, my own thoughts and feelings.

I'm off this week.

MOBILE CHIMES

I'll have a wee bash at looking at that application...

..for doing the MRI thing and...

Are you taking notes? I am, because you know my head.

Well, good, cos you can hold me to these ones then.

Cos I thought...

..there was something that you could do with all your comics.

They give you tech support, research and development,

curatorial help. Mm-hm.

It's something like supporting you with a fee.

Oh, sorry.

HE EXHALES

You all right? Aye.

I think it's meant to be a two-year thing, supported thing.

Say that again. It's meant to be two years. Yeah.

Two years?

You've got two years.

You were only meant to have had three.

Not that I'm annoyed about it.

So, I thought this meeting wasn't going to happen

until the end of the film, Gordon.

What's happening?

Och, just like...

..I feel like I wanted to talk about more things.

Like what?

Well...

..a bit like this.

Eh?

Well, how we manage to, to live with each other.

I mean, have we?

At all?

I thought...I thought folk would be interested in that.

RICK LAUGHS

Interested?

In you?

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Oh, fuck you, Rick.

Fuck you, Gordon.

RINGING

Hey!

Hello.

How're you?

I'm good.

Before I forget, John and Mata say hello.

How are they?

Oh, they are good. It was lovely. Yeah?

How'd you sleep?

Hm, not well.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Anxious or what?

I don't know.

# Reach out and touch somebody's hand

# Make this world a better place

# If you can. #

GORDON LAUGHS

I could use a bear hug.

I know.

Or at least an otter hug.

Mm-hm.

# Mm-hm, mm-hm Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. #

I have exactly one minute before I have to jump in the shower.

Uh-huh.

Tell me something just wonderful and lovely, will you?

Christmas.

Love you.

Love you too. Bye-bye.

Does Shawn see himself as a carer yet?

If he doesn't, he should.

Because the love and support

and care that he's given me...

..he's a carer.

My next comic is going to be about them,

the carers,

the people who look after people with cancer.

I've had probably one of the...the biggest shocks of my life,

while I was making the dinner,

and she basically came in and

she'd written on a piece of paper, "I can't speak."

What I would regard as a massive seizure.

The last three...

Probably the last three months,

I mean, she lost the ability to walk

and then lost the ability to talk, and then...

And then really just, erm...

Yeah, just...

Just didn't become the person that I...

..I knew and married and loved and... Yeah. Yeah.

So, although you're going through it,

then, as a carer, I'm going through it as well.

That was Tony on my daughter's wedding day.

Oh!

And then... But as you can see,

obviously, the bald head because he'd lost his hair

and that with the chemo and that sort of thing.

And you can see where the weight...

I mean, look how fat I am there. Look at it.

Och.

And then there's all his little bits that he brought me.

Little bits and bobs that he brought me sort of thing.

I was noticing the teapot. And that's him when...

Well, that was when we first met each other.

That was him with a cigarette in his hand.

He'd given up smoking before he got the brain tumour.

Cos it was a second relationship,

I never told him I loved him until he went for his first operation,

because we were both that afraid to say we loved each other.

So it happened before you got married?

Yeah, yeah. We'd been together.

Yeah, we'd been together and we were living together.

We'd nearly slipped up and said it a couple of times.

Putting him under for his operation, I just said, "I love you."

And he says, "I've always loved you." You know?

Yeah. And I'm glad I had that.

Confronting your mortality is never an easy thing to do.

It's taken a long time and, even then,

I don't think it can ever be fully accepted.

Although, I think the person with the tumour

has a better chance of acceptance

compared to their family and friends.

They have to really, that's the thing.

Craig is my brother.

He was great at art and that's what lead me into drawing.

Do you know how to make a sea?

And then you join them up to that one.

Now Oli, Craig's youngest, she's a bit arty as well.

It could be like a monkey.

Could just have a wee bald head poking out above that one.

One of the exercises...

..I was given once...

..was to close your eyes

and to have a pencil or a pen

in your hand and to draw what you can hear.

So, I mean, you can hear...

Maybe cars outside or something. So you can hear the cars, so...

WHISPERS: Dad, run.

THEY LAUGH

You'll hear something like that, right...?

You didn't see that there, did you? Eh?

We've not been that close until the last year...

..year and a tiny little bit.

There will be like graffiti artists who will paint like this.

Maybe have a wee look. I might look on YouTube for you.

He was quite a cool guy and I was just Craig's little brother.

So how often do you do that physio, then?

That's going to be the one and only appointment.

Right. How come? She's given me exercises to do.

So I'm doing like two or three times a day.

What kind of exercises?

THEY LAUGH

I'm just imagining you doing some mad lunges or something.

Nae lunges.

CRAIG LAUGHS

You're going to turn right here.

No, sorry, this right here with the red "food and wine".

Oh, right, OK. Aye. I'll go up there. Sorry.

What do you want your brother to do? Do you want him to stay?

You don't need him, do you?

I presume you don't need your brother to come through, do you?

If he doesn't need, I'll quite happily...

If you're comfortable going through,

whatever, I'm easy-osey. I'm just here anyway.

We normally only get people to come though if they actually need...

Absolutely, I get it. ..to come through.

Otherwise, we'd have to checklist you as well.

OK, nice to meet you. And you.

Bye-bye now. Hopefully, I don't see you for a wee while.

Yes. In the nicest possible way.

See you later. Bye.

All good? Are you? Yeah. How was the magazine?

I did a couple, yeah.

Did you? Cool.

It's just kind on in-built a lot of the times,

just this constant kind of fear

in the week whilst you're waiting for those results.

Is the tumour going to kick off again?

If so, how aggressive?

Maybe it'll be good? Probably not. But maybe it'll be good.

So just get on with stuff.

And then let's see what December 18th brings.

Oh! It's going to get really heavy.

There we go. I think it fits.

Why is it losing needles so much? It's in a pot, for Christ's sakes.

Thank you.

Oh, there you are. That's brilliant.

When do you go back over the road? When do you go home?

I'm back on the 29th. Are you?

How are you holding up through all this?

Aye, it's not been fantastic, but...

Yeah. It's just life, isn't it?

You just... It is life. It is,

you've just got to get on with it, I suppose, really.

There's not really...

Are you able to take care of yourself? Aye, absolutely...

Because everyone's counting on you now.

THEY LAUGH

Right? So how's that feel?

Well, we're fucked then. We're fucked.

Yeah, but there's like, there's actually,

we fuck around, but that's true.

Because I'm not here. You know what I mean?

Aye, it is tough. It's tough. Och, I don't...

I mean, the only person that really knows is Gordon, isn't it?

It's not really... Right.

It's not really... I don't know, really. I can't get a...

Oh, I can't even imagine.

I can get a rough idea. Like, I know how I'm feeling,

so you'd probably need to multiply that by... A million. Aye.

That's my neurologist.

Hm? Oh, is it? Dr Grant.

That is? I asked if you saw him.

Hm?

I asked if you saw Dr Grant and you said no.

Well, I've not had an appointment with him for a long time.

How come?

Erm, I'd normally just see him once a year. Oh.

Like... Gordon?

Can the rest of us come too? Yeah, good to go.

Hey. Good, how're you?

When they analysed that part of the scan,

they felt that this area here was showing up, right?

So it was looking more consistent

with active tumour rather than anything else.

And the activity is looking higher.

That would all fit with it being an active tumour.

I'm trying to find some positives.

I'm trying to, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I think the positives are we see a lot of people

that aren't very well and you still are well within yourself.

And I know you do have some symptoms,

but they haven't dramatically changed.

And that's really important.

Yes, we're seeing enough for us to be able to say with confidence

this tumour is active,

but it's not causing problems in your brain at the minute.

We want to get in and get control of it

before it starts to cause problems.

So those are the positives.

And I think we do need to think about some more treatment.

OK. And that's going to be some more chemotherapy.

In terms of the, you know,

you said two rounds, so that would be 12 weeks' worth.

What do you anticipate, two out of how many?

So up to six.

Up to six. So that's over nine months.

And normally, by the end of that, the body's getting a bit tired.

Aye.

Well, I was hoping,

I was hoping to go back to the States

and spend Hogmanay with Shawn.

But I don't want you... Like, there's noy pressure about that.

No, I know there's not pressure. I know... This is like my hopes

but we could talk about it and look at it. Right.

If I could talk to you

and look at the dangers and things like this.

So this is what I wanted us to speak about. Yeah.

I mean there's not absolute contraindication

to getting on an airplane,

but we probably wouldn't normally advise somebody

to go on a long-haul flight...

OK. ..when we know that the tumour is active

and they're waiting to start chemotherapy. OK.

Because the concerns are that you have a big seizure

and you have a big seizure over there... Overseas.

You know, and then you're over there having had a big seizure

and you're potentially not well enough to come back. OK.

So you'd get two lots of chemo and then another scan

so we can see how things are looking,

and then come back to clinic to see where we are at that point.

Sure thing.

Are you...? You're good in your head

about just letting go of the travel thing, yeah?

I have to be.

But I'll make a point of coming over a few times, eh?

I know it's not the same, Gordon. It's not the same.

But we'll do day trips.

It really smashed me.

I was just taken back to where I was when I was diagnosed.

It's meant that I couldn't go back with Shawn to the States.

I can't just stay in this emotional place.

I've got a next book to do. I've got people to interview.

I've got...

I've got things to read, I've got articles to get angry at.

You know? I've got loads of people around me to...

..to, erm...

..take me out and...

..buy me cake.

You know? Or... Yeah.

I'm very lucky.

Why are you not stopping?

Stop filming.

So this is my exercise.

This is my exercise...

..for at least 20 minutes.

Cool, man.

Thank you for coming down again.

And, erm, yeah, if you...

Obviously blah, blah, blah, I don't have to say it,

but if you need anything... Aye.

Oof! Oh, me grapes.

HE LAUGHS

I was classified as a vulnerable person...

..so I was just told to stay in the house

cause Covid-19 had kicked in.

Well, all the staff is at home,

hunkered down, but as I'm sitting here walking across campus

and it just occurred to me, a song sprang to my mind.

# A-down the hill I went at morn

# A lovely maid I spied

# Her hair was bright as the dew that wets

# Sweet Anner's verdant side

# Now where go ye dear maid says I

# Beneath her eyes are blue

# She smiled and said

# The boy I'll wed I'm to meet in the foggy dew. #

And there's enough

in the endowment that we could liquidate

if that comes down to that, you know,

to preserve the integrity of the organisation. But, you know,

for us to be sustainable, I think, and looking ahead as...

..how we might be able to open back up,

it's really if we can have live performances,

it's going to be limited number of seats.

You know, my budget's just screwed.

Yeah. I mean, it's... And I've reworked it now,

what? At least a dozen times?

You know, and I'm about tired of...

I'm about tired of that because it's just like,

you can't account for the variables

and they keep changing, like minute by minute by minute.

I'm just trying to do the next,

the next thing, whatever that thing is,

and then focus then on the next one thing to just keep moving forward.

Well, we're...you know, in the...

All of that negates what's happening in our own lives, right?

So I know what you're...

Sarah shared a little bit about what you're wrestling with.

I can't even imagine doing what you're doing organisationally

and wrestling with what you're wrestling with, personally.

Yeah. Well, that one sits right below the surface, Michael.

That one's hard. Yeah.

That's... That one just sucks. Yeah.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hello. How are you?

I'm OK. Yeah?

Aye. So...

I mean, I've had a funny,

first of all I had two seizures on Sunday.

Like, quite vividly.

And that really freaked me out.

Really freaked me out.

And then, like, shortly after that,

I had this big "whooph" across the head.

And then like, the night's sleep wasn't good.

Huh.

Did you eat regularly throughout the day? Yeah.

I had a big lunch as well.

Hm.

I can't in practical terms

just move to the UK.

I'm in my 50s - who's going to sponsor me?

I'm not independently wealthy, I actually need to work!

I mean, I sort of gave up a couple of months ago on...

..on finding a way of being there.

And then for him to come here, I mean, that's a mess because...

Like, there's just no way

that he would be able to receive the treatment that he needs.

I mean, just impossible.

It makes my job prospects look, you know, rosy in Scotland

compared to, you know, the ability to have him treated in any way here.

I'll send Piotr next time, OK? In a deck chair.

Right, cheers, mate. Thank you.

RINGING

So loud.

Hello? Hello.

Hi there, you all right? I am.

Seeing me OK? I can't see you yet.

Just, let's check.

Hey! Yeah.

There you are.

Thanks for doing this, by the way.

That's great, no, it sounds good...good work you're doing.

I hope so. I hope so. Yes.

So, with your project you're doing now, Gordon, on this,

is it part of another comic book, or is it a piece of work...?

It's another comic book. OK.

I hadn't heard any carers' voices before

and this is what this book was going to be about.

There's a lot of guilt because

you wonder if you're doing as much as you can.

But the problem is, you can only do so much physically in 24 hours

with no sleep and work and... So whatever you do,

you just feel guilty!

My mum died when I was a few weeks short of being 16.

Oh, was she young? Yeah. Oh, right, sorry to hear that.

Yeah, it was breast cancer.

Was it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

My brother was 17, maybe just about to turn 18. Was he? Yeah.

So my dad obviously had to cook. Yeah.

And later on, he joked, he goes,

"I never had to take you to McDonalds for dinner."

You know? Yeah, good on him.

If Edward didn't have Paz and I and he was on his own...

..I think he'd have gone by now. I think he'd have died by now. Mm-hm.

Because I think...

..it must be such a lonely place to be, where you are, in your heart.

It's lonely.

It is.

Have you got a good support network around you?

I do.

Which is fantastic. I do.

I feel damn lucky.

And the people I feel sorry for are the people

who aren't in this position.

My dad... Sadly, my dad passed away last year.

I might, I might...

I might be like, I don't get much emotion from him,

I don't get much kind of like sympathy. Kind of like,

"Oh, I know son, it's sad," blah, blah, blah,

but he was a rock. Yeah.

You know, you would never doubt that he would be there.

And I could...I could moan, I could cry, I could say whatever I wanted

and he would still be there, you know?

I always forget the anxiety I feel

when it comes to waiting for the MRI results.

You see people in wheelchairs.

You see people being looked after by their

wife, husband, brother, mother.

I replace them with me and my dad,

looking at every possible future.

The fear

takes hold of my heart.

I need to catch my breath.

All I can do

is stare while tears well up.

I shake my head.

Tell myself...

.."Get to fucking grips, Gordon!"

The results didn't come back...well.

The chemo...

..wasn't working.

The tumour is still growing.

So they've stopped the chemo.

I asked for a revised life expectancy.

My doctor replied, "Months, a year."

When Gordon was visiting a year and a half ago,

it was great just to see him tromping all over the mountain.

I mean, he just...

There's... There's an...

..indomitable spirit in him.

Just this love of life. This energy and joy and...

So him...

Him... His presence here was...

It wasn't much of a vacation, I guess, because we were so...

..I guess housebound, but then there was...

Like there's something about that,

like when we're together and we're just doing normal crap.

You know, cooking dinners together

and taking care of chores together and laundry

and just the stuff of living together that,

you know, a lot of people take for granted

but we don't get all that much.

And so our... It was really about, you know,

this time where we get to play house.

And...

..you know, how do you explain to someone

how important it is to do nothing?

You know, what it means to just hold a hand or, you know...

..cuddle up together on the couch

and watch some piece-of-trash TV or film or something.

You know, what it means to just have that person's presence

in the home when you come back or...

..the 100 million things that make up lives as they entwine.

And I know it's ridiculous,

but I still think it's because I had...

I was selfish and wanted him to come here

and it was the plane trip over that...

..that...that caused the tumour to activate again.

So it's, uh...

You know, rationally, I think,

"Oh, that's not going to be the case," you know.

That things were going to unfold as they were

but I really just feel like...

..that was probably what... That was...

That was the thing that just...

..was tempting fate, or was just like one too many thing, or...

And it was just...

..you know, for my own selfishness of wanting him here.

Then to watch him receive that news by himself.

And...

I've never felt so helpless in my life.

Hey, G.

Miss me?

Huh?

Fuck you, Rick.

RICK CHUCKLES

There were talks about having a party for my 40th.

So my 40th...

So I was supposed to be turning 40 in less than three weeks.

And it's going to be spent...

..locked down...

..in this house.

And I won't be alive for my next one.

So it looks like it's going to be at least mid-June before,

you know, the travel aspect would allow me to get there.

And I want that too, right?

I'm trying to squeeze it all in right now

because this is all we have, right?

We only have, we only have this moment.

But the reality is,

I've got a lot of people relying on me here and...

..I've got to find a balance between...

..you know, having my life and my love...

..somehow...

I mean, it just feels like I can't...

..win any of it, you know? I hate not winning.

I hate it. I hate not being able to figure it all out.

We're working on a big surprise 40th birthday for him,

and the 40th...

Yeah, he's a baby, yeah.

Don't judge me.

Don't judge. No judging. Yeah. No judge.

He thinks his... You know, his friends are also artists,

so they've designed this bullshit Zoom invitation from the Louvre

that he thinks we're going on a virtual tour of the Louvre.

Well, I'm just going to hit join,

I still need to put in the password, but...

Are you ready? Uh-huh.

Three...

..two, one.

See you at the Louvre.

See you at the Louvre!

BEEPING

# Happy birthday to you

ALL OVERLAPPING: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Gordon

# Happy birthday to you! #

THEY CHEER

You bastards.

How did you all get to the Louvre?

You're looking very dapper.

I know! Was that for the Louvre?

Only from the waist up, though?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm even wearing shoes.

DRUM ROLL

QUIRKY DANCE MUSIC

THEY LAUGH

Aye, see yous after.

Bye! See you Gordon, happy birthday. Bye!

Punch you in the face next time I see you all.

Punch, punch, punch. Punch, punch, punch.

HE EXHALES RAGGEDLY

HE SOBS

Hello.

I love you so.

I said, I love you so.

Thank you.

Struggling a bit today.

It's the day after my birthday.

It's the day after my 40th birthday, actually.

Or as I like to say, to try and make it sound slightly less big,

it's the start of my 41st year, so

that's slightly less...major.

HE BREATHES RAGGEDLY

Erm...

I had a board meeting last Thursday

and I talked to the board about Gordon

and that I need to go and I'm going to go

for an extended period of time

because I would need to be in quarantine for two weeks.

MOBILE CHIMES

And my board president phoned me and said,

"You need to go sooner rather than later,"

and, "You need to go more than once."

They're very nice people.

Almost there. Almost there.

Al...most...there.

Aye.

I mean, I've told you, I'm a little...

I'm a little anxious until I actually get on the plane.

Mm-hm.

The hospital phoned me last night

to confirm the appointment on Wednesday.

Just to...

Yeah. She called me at 19:15.

So I asked whether it would be

OK for my brother to come in with me.

And what was the answer?

Normally, it would not be OK, but...

..seeing as it's me, you know.

Does that mean that something bad has been seen in that scan?

Oh, come on. Don't do that.

I mean, what...what more bad is there, Gordon?

GORDON LAUGHS

That's... There's like a brain tumour like growing in your brain,

what more bad are you going to hear?

That's how my head works.

Well, I'm just saying, like, don't borrow the trouble. Right?

I'm coming over to see you

and that, I mean, that should heal at least Scotland,

if not the entire UK.

All kidding aside, I love you, Gordon.

All kidding aside?!

You should write, like, Valentine's cards.

"All kidding aside, I love you."

There you go.

Exactly.

Mwah. Look after yourself.

I will. Bye-bye, safe travels.

Yip, yip, bye-bye. Bye.

Mm.

Shawn's in quarantine for two weeks...

..which means he has to attend my next results appointment remotely.

Knackered.

Does Georgia know what today is,

or does she just think you're coming through to see us?

Erm...

No, she knows that you're getting test results back.

All good? Aye.

Right, I take it we'll probably

just be able to go clean through here then, eh? Hope so.

Oo-yee.

Hi there. Hey, Julie, how are you?

Good thank you, you all right? Yeah.

That's me just phoning Shawn, so...

I'm Zoomed in and within, like, one minute of the phone call,

a message pops up that his battery's low and I'm like,

are you fucking kidding me? Like, are you fucking kidding me?

But just...

Right, where are we going now, then?

Anywhere but a fucking hospital.

# Yippity do da, yippity day

# My oh my, what a wonderful day. #

Right, it's good, right? But it doesn't warrant singing, OK?

Ya-a-a-a-as!

PHONE RINGS

For once, I can tell you good news.

The tumour...

..hasn't grown. It hasn't grown.

Hasn't grown. POUNDS FIST: Has not grown.

# Welcome home. #

I call this room.

GORDON LAUGHS

Stop hitting me.

I'm touching you. I'm touching you!

You're hitting me.

Want to go down?

Missed.

And then we roll into the sand...

GORDON LAUGHS

..into the water, just like From Here to Eternity.

Yes, you go first. You go first.

No, no, you go first.

CLATTERING

Why have you put the sea salt at the back?

Behind...

Because otherwise you wouldn't have room to criticise me.

There's two rosemarys.

VOICE-OVER: Shawn's awesome.

Shawn's more than awesome.

And, of course, the story is not going to finish

"and he's cured".

So, of course, Shawn is in the Carers' Stories book too.

THEY LAUGH

VOICE-OVER: He was about to go back home, so it had to be done.

Caregivers who have high distress

also have changes in their immune system

that can lead to flare-ups and autoimmune diseases,

worsened glucose control in the body

and increasing vulnerability to cardiovascular diseases.

So look the fuck after yourself.

Please.

Well, I guess that's the whole thing, like,

who cares for the carer, you know?

Exactly.

Because I can't... I can't rescue you, you know?

And I can't fix this.

I love making dinners for you,

I love cooking for you, real things I can do, you know?

Oh, you can do it.

But I can't...

I can't cure you, you know?

The reality of that's hard. And that, that eats at me, you know?

You know, originally, when we were together,

you know, I had this...

..I don't know, like this playing the role of...of...you know,

suitor and hero and...

Like, caring for you is having to remember...

..like, although you're healthy and strong and all these,

that you still have a brain tumour.

Mm-hm.

And that impedes...

..language, it impedes...

..logic.

It impedes your ability to... Concentrate.

It happens when, you know, you can't find a word

and I really just have to bite my tongue

to not finish your sentences.

Or if you get dithery.

You know what I mean?

Like, it's just like, "Oh, my God, for fuck's sake."

Just like, argh!

Rather than seeing it, like it's...

I mean, it's just part of the tumour.

Right, and the part of the story that's not in your book so far

is like this slow...

..inevitable crescendo...

..to that acute moment where caretaking...

..dominates life.

Yeah.

What I feel is...

..a growing...

..sense of what's coming.

Day by day by day.

You know, it started here and it's doing this, right?

So that's my biggest fear, is being...

..not here for you and...

..and then having to live with that

every single day of my life after that.

We are right here, right now.

I am right here, right now. I know.

It's natural we're having these thoughts.

Now I believe something will be sorted

when he does need to be in the country

when I do need to be cared for...heavily.

Shawn certainly identifies a difference between where we are now

and where it would be like...

..nine months, six months, three months...

..before my death.

BIRDSONG

85.

It fits what there is there, so...

Cool.

So, Gordon, here's the plan, right?

Your end there, 7.5 from the edge.

Do you know what I mean?

It can be a wee bit over but no under.

La-la-la-la... It doesn't have to be massively precise,

Gordon - look at the nick of it!

Just so long as it fits.

Mind your fing...

Cheers for coming along. Thank you.

It'll be life-size.

The folk will be able to like, lie down

and actually go in.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Thank you for being here. Uh!

I love you, Gordon, I wish I were there in person.

You're here... I know.

I'm really, really proud of you, OK?

I'm really, really proud of you.

I am too. For once. Good.

As you should be. As you should be.

Enjoy your night, go schmooze with lots of people,

see if you can raise funds.

All right, love you, Gordon. Right, love you too. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Mwah. Bye-bye. Mwah.

Hey.

APPPLAUSE

Thank you all for coming.

It means a lot to me.

Especially for my brother and my nieces,

that means a hell of a lot to me.

I just wish Shawn could be here.

He is here, cos he's here.

I'll be going over there soon.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

I'm happy.

But the sadness is there,

perhaps in equal measure.

It's like having two distinct experiences...

..at the exact same time. ..at the exact same time.

But I'm still here.

Eight years later.

I feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I'm still here

after putting everyone though all this pain and grief.

And to make things worse,

I'm going to be putting them back through this again one day.

Hey, Gordon! How you doing?

I kind of want to apologise to everyone.

But instead, I'll just say...

..thank you.

Hello.

Hello.

Olivia just wants to pat this dog.

Which one? Just turn round.

Ah.

You need to ask permission.

My niece wants to pat your dog.

Sure, yeah. Is that OK?

Oli... He's friendly.

VOICE-OVER: In the past few years,

I've seen some of the happiest moments I've ever had.

Perhaps simply because you change the way you look at life.

You notice the beauty around you more.

What kind of dog is he?

VOICE-OVER: I try to acknowledge the good times,

places when I'm in them.

A year old?! Oh, my gosh.

VOICE-OVER: I'll take a small mental picture of the moment, the people,

the sounds, the smells, the light.

GORDON: I know quite a good pizza place.

VOICE—OVER: It can release you.

I am actually in a really good place at the moment.

Finding good all around me.

So, Long Live My Happy Head.

RUSTLING

What?!

Wow!

Whoa.

I love you. I love you too.

I've been so moved by the carers I've met.

To hear their stories, in their own words

and see the artwork they inspired,

go to...

..and follow the links to the Open University.