Original subtitles

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Hello, gorgeous!

- Hello! - Oh, hey, it's you!

- Oh, not... Not your new coat! - What?

I just finished scrubbing make-up out of your Indian costume.

- Half hour, please, Miss Brice. - Oh, thanks, John.

-Mr Arnstein back yet? -No, not yet.

- I'll keep an eye out. - Thanks.

- What time's the train? - The telegram just said tonight.

Do you think he'll go to the house first?

Well, Momma's there in case. She'll call if he shows.

- You're nervous! - Nervous! Me!

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Nervous, excited, happy, scared.

Oh, you name it, I am it.

Of course she's nervous! Who wouldn't be nervous?

Too bad you've got a show to do.

Oh, stop!

Thank God I've got a show to do.

What's she got to be nervous?

Fanny's been making a living on the stage since she was 13!

- Twelve! - Eleven, Momma!

I thought 13, but what do I know?

Anyway, it's a lot of years.

What are you staring at, honey?

Years. All those years.

Enough staring!

Are we playing cards or what?

- I'm out. - I raised.

She raised!

# I think you're bluffing Mrs Strakosh, bluffing

# You think so?

# I think so

# You with your glass face

# I think you got nothing

# Sarah Strakosh, you haven't got a second ace!

# Then my advice to you is, honey

# Close up your mouth

# And put up the money

- There. - How do you bluff with nothing?

If you've got something, it ain't bluffing!

You show them, Mrs Strakosh.

Speaking of bluffing with nothing...

Oh, and Mr Ziegfeld is waiting for you.

You hear that, Mrs Strakosh?

Ziegfeld is waiting for me!

Not yet for you, Ziegfeld ain't waiting!

Okay, so maybe today it's only Tom Keeney,

but he's got a theatre with a stage and an audience.

It's not about what he's got,

it's what she don't.

What don't I got?

Listen, Fanny, when you were little and made with the funny faces,

it was cute!

My condolences. You are no longer cute.

Fanny, darling, for a girl, on average, you're a pleasure.

But when people are paying good money,

especially the male element,

they want a little something to...look at.

- What, you mean like scenery? - Not like scenery.

# If a girl isn't pretty

# Like a Miss Atlantic City

# All she gets in life is pity and a pat... #

Get off!

# Is a nose with deviation Such a crime against the nation?

# Should I throw her into jail or drown the cat?

# She must shine in every detail

# Like a ring you're buying retail

# Be a standard size that fits a standard dress

# When a girl's incidentals

# Are no bigger than two lentils... #

What?!

# Then to me, it doesn't spell success. #

Don't you worry, Mrs Strakosh, they'll look at me!

Some day, the whole world will look at me and be stunned!

Go! You don't want to be late first day!

(SCREAMING)

(JAUNTY MUSIC) And five, six, seven, eight!

Two, three and four and push.

That's it. Nice.

- Fanny? Now, Fanny, just... - Ooh!

That's it, not panicking!

Sharpen that one up, Fanny.

One, two, three..

And here we go and up, up, up.

- Oh gosh, sorry! Ooh! - Is this you?

- Fanny, stay in your place. - FANNY: I can't get back in line.

Here we go, and up and down.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(CHEERING/APPLAUSE)

Hey, you! You with the blue bloomers!

Ooh! Yes, Mr Keeney?

- You're fired! - What?

- Oh, come on, boss! - What's with the ringer?

- You owe somebody a favour? - It seemed like a funny idea.

- I don't get the joke. - That makes two of us.

# If a girl isn't pretty

# Like a Miss Atlantic City

# She should dump the stage and try another route... #

He's got a point.

# Any guy who pays a quarter for a seat

# Just feels he oughta see a figure That his wife can't substitute

# If a girl ain't perfection better take up a collection

# Every girl must be a dazzler and a beaut

# You've got very nice deportment

# But when they see that assortment... #

What?

# From the gallery They'll be throwing fruit

# If a girl isn't pretty If a girl isn't pretty

# If a girl isn't pretty If a girl isn't pretty

# If a girl isn't pretty

# She should get a job Go get a job

# Get any job, and a weekly pay!

# 'Cause if a girl isn't pretty Like a Miss Atlantic City

# She's a real Miss Nobody USA! #

(APPLAUSE)

FANNY: Hmm!

Okay, that's it for today, everybody!

No. No, no, no, wait! Listen, Mr Keeney, look.

I've had a lot of experience, okay? Amateur contests, Gottliebs'.

I mean, I'm talking professional companies.

Last season, Southern Rep, I doubled six parts!

I played a daughter, her older sister and their father.

All in the same scene in the same costume!

Sorry, girlie, you don't fit in with the others.

You're too short, you've got no shape

and, well, I can't put my finger on it,

but something's funny with your face.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Okay, I hear you. In fact, I don't just hear you,

I happen to think you are absolutely right, you know,

I ain't no chorus girl!

But if you let me have that featured song

you're putting in the show tomorrow night...

Like hell! Listen, girlie, go home!

Meet a nice guy, have a couple of kids!

You ain't cut out for this!

Would it kill you to give me a chance?

Sorry, kid!

Oh, you don't know what sorry is, but you will!

You think beautiful girls are going to stay in style forever?

I should think not.

Some day you'll be out, finished, and then it'll be my turn!

EDDIE: Fanny! Hey, Fanny, don't forget your lunch pail!

I'm really sorry. I tried!

No, you didn't!

Sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's not your fault. It's just...

Suppose all you ever had for breakfast

was onion rolls, okay,

and then one day in walks a bagel!

You'd be like, "Hey, what the hell is that?" you know.

Until you tried it. And that's my problem.

I'm a bagel on a plate of onion rolls!

You're something different, all right.

I've got 36 expressions.

Sweet-as-pie to tough-as-leather.

# And that's six expressions

# More than all them Barrymores put together

# Instead of just kicking me Why won't they give me a lift?

# It must be a plot

# 'Cause they're scared that I got such a gift!

# Well, I'm miffed

# 'Cause I'm

# The greatest star

# I am by far

# But no-one knows it

# Wait, they're going to hear a voice

# A silver flute

# A-a-ah!

# They'll cheer each toot "Yeah, she's terrific"

# When I expose it Now, can't you see to look at me

# That I'm a natural Camille?

# A-hem! As Camille I just feel

# I've so much to offer

# Ah, kid, I know I'd be divine Because

# I'm a natural cougher... #

(COUGHS)

# Some ain't got it, not a lump

# I'm a great big clump of talent Laugh?

# Ha-ha-ha! They'll bend in half! #

Have you heard the story about the travelling salesman?

# A thousand jokes Stick around for the jokes!

# A thousand faces, I reiterate

# When you're gifted Then you're gifted

# These are facts and I've no axe to grind

# Hey, what are they, blind?

# In all of the world so far

# I'm the greatest star

# Who is the pip with pizazz?

# Who is all ginger and jazz?

# Who is as glamorous as?

# Who's an American beauty rose

# With an American beauty nose

# And ten American beauty toes?

# Eyes on the target and wham!

# One shot, one gunshot and bam!

# Hey, Mr Ziegfeld

# Here I am!

# I'm the greatest star

# I am by far, but no-one knows it

# That's why I was born

# I'll blow my horn, 'Til someone blows it!

# I light up like a light

# Right up like a light I'll flicker then flare up

# All the world's gonna stare up

# Looking down you'll never see me

# Try the sky 'Cause that'll be me!

# I can make 'em cry I can make 'em sigh

# Some day, they'll clamour for my drama

# Have ya guessed yet? Who's the best yet?

# If you ain't I'll tell ya one more time

# You bet your last dime

# In all of the world so far

# I'm the greatest Greatest

# Star! #

(APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Well, don't just stare!

If you believe in me, say yes, you'll give me a chance!

- Yes, I'll give you a chance! - Yes, you'll give me a chance?

I'm gonna teach you that new song if it takes us all night!

- Eddie, do you mean that? - Uh-huh.

Oh, but not here. You gotta place we can go?

Ooh!

So as Keeney don't find out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure! We can go to my place.

- Great! - I live with my mother.

- Of course you do. - Come on.

This? Come on.

I won't let you down, I promise! Come on.

- All right. - We can rehearse in here.

Coronet man?

- Cornet man! - Yeah, that's what I said.

These are the steps, watch me.

We go one, two, three, four. Go one, two...

Watch!

Just like this! Front and back!

Whoa! Sorry, Momma!

- Keep watching! - Yep.

Did you really play a 60-year-old Indian chief?

- Yeah! - Let's try some lifts.

- A bigger run-up. All right. - Sorry.

- Okay. - Okay, here we go.

- Now! Come at me! - Rrrr!

- Too much! - Oh, make up your mind!

All right, just there. Stand there.

Yeah.

Go!

MRS BRICE: That's enough! You won't be able to walk tomorrow.

I can barely stand now.

- What's this one's name? - Eddie Ryan.

Just think, Eddie, you woke up yesterday

and the world was a bright and shiny place,

full of youth and promise.

And then you met my daughter.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

- You know, huh? - I live with it!

Come on, let's do it again from the top.

Go home, Mr Ryan. I'll handle her.

Night, Mrs Brice. See you tomorrow, Fanny!

Nice guy!

Yeah. And he has given me a speciality

tomorrow night at Keeney's!

And you're gonna kill the people!

Oh, Momma, you really think so?

# Have ya guessed yet? Who's the best yet?

# If you ain't I'll tell ya one more time

- # Light up like a light! - # You bet your last dime!

- # Right up like a light! - # In all of the world so far

# I'm the greatest

# Greatest star! #

(SCREAMING)

(MUSIC)

(WHOOPING/CHEERING)

Wooo... Hey!

Ladies, hold on to these!

Hey!

Hey!

All right!

Grr!

Grr!

Hey!

(APPLAUSE)

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure

that I, Mr Thomas Keeney...

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

(LAUGHTER) Thank you very much.

Present a Keeney Theatre discovery,

making her Keeney Theatre stage debut.

Please give a warm Keeney Theatre welcome,

in a Keeney Theatre exclusive engagement,

the one and only, irrepressible,

uniquely individual stylist of song and story,

- Miss Julie... - Miss Fanny Brice!

Hit it, Professor! (MUSIC STARTS)

Trust me! Just give her a chance. Please, please, please, please!

Who is Fanny Brice?

Me. Hello!

I think I'm gonna go right here.

Whoa, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Can I go in?

I've come on too soon.

(SULTRY CORNET)

Ooh, gosh, what's that?

Well!

Well, two, three, four, one...

# The lady ain't been born

# Can take the place of a horn

# With a cornet man

# A-going where there's blowin' Travellin' cornet man

# Just any time they call him

# He'll leave his wife and kiddies Sitting with their tongues out

# To play for peanuts in a dive And blow his lungs out

# He'll hop a choo-choo On a moment's notice

# To play some dates with Billy Bates

# Or Ragtime Otis

# The lady ain't seen light Can give a horn a fair fight

# With a cornet man

# A rootin', shootin', ever-tootin', dapper Dan

# Who carries in his satchel A powder blue Norfolk suit

Phwoar!

# A silver-plated wah-wah mute

# There is whisky, gamblin'

# Each one a curse

# But I'm up against a devil that's worse

# Yes, his horn's my thorn He's my travellin' cornet man! #

Okay, boys, we ready? Come on!

Can your horn do this, ow?

Can your horn do that? Come on, boys.

Dance, babe, you got this!

Yeah, now I got it!

Ah! Come on, float it on! Woo!

Man around the wheeee!

- # A powder blue Norfolk suit - # A powder blue Norfolk suit

# A silver-plated wah-wah mute!

# Well, he's shy on height

# He's short on weight

# But he's the only guy Can make my coffee percolate!

# A Dapper Dan

# My cornet playing

# Man!

# A cornet playing man! #

(MUSIC STOPS)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERS)

(MUSIC REPRISE)

(MUSIC STOPS)

- Fanny, you were great! - Thank you, guys.

- Hey, you were brilliant! -Yeah, thank you.

# Aaaah! #

Girls, how'd you like that?

My first specialty and already a standing ovation.

One guy, in the back...

In a trench coat.

Okay, okay. Today a trench coat, tomorrow a tux!

- Good job, ladies! - ALL: Thanks, Eddie!

- Eddie, they liked it! - Well, of course they did!

Ah, how are you feeling? Pretty good, huh?

Oh, like I got all "A"s on my report card,

which I never did.

I don't know how to thank you.

Well, we oughta celebrate.

What are you doing after the show Saturday night?

Ooh, you asking me out?

I'm asking what you're doing after the show Saturday night.

Oh, yeah, I mean, if you want to sit and schmooze, that's fine.

- And if it was something more? - What?

How come it feels like I'm getting the cold shoulder?

No, no. Eddie, um... Look, we're pals, okay.

I mean, that is a good thing, yeah?

Look, we fool around, someone ends up saying, "Let's just be friends."

So, why don't we skip the heartache and go right to the last reel, hmm?

- Lucky me, I made a friend! - Come on!

Go change, I'll take you home. We can sit around and schmooze.

I love you, kid!

If you ask me, you ought to give the guy a break.

He may not be the most exciting item on the menu,

but I guarantee he won't give you heartburn.

-Oh, that's funny. - Good work tonight, girls!

FANNY: Hey, Mr Keeney?

They liked me, huh?

You think I pay for them to hate ya?

Ooh, you pay me? How much?

I ain't thought about it yet.

Whatever it is, I bet it isn't enough.

(FANNY LAUGHING)

- Good evening. - Ooh... Oh, my God!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Gorgeous!

I beg your pardon?

Your shirt. Your shirt, it's absolutely the most gorgeous thing

I ever saw in my life. What is that, silk?

French handkerchief linen.

It goes very limp, though.

Yeah, I can see!

All the same, you know, all of the tailcoats I've seen,

rented, you know, well, they got stiff shirts.

Well, they should have. This is just a conversation piece.

I'm sorry, I don't know what that means.

I never got past 3B.

Oh, it's simply something for people to talk about.

And I'm certain you learned everything you needed by 3B.

Am I someone you should know?

Sorry, are you someone I should...know!

I don't know, maybe so.

If you mean am I an expert in theatre? No.

But they I have an eye for what's unique,

and you, Miss Brice, are going to be a very big star one day.

Agh!

You're the first person who ever said that to me

who wasn't a relative.

I won't be the last.

Well, look who's slumming!

- I believe this is yours. - Those were some sweet odds.

That was one unfortunate rainstorm.

For you.

My horse is just no good on a sloppy track.

Ah, you didn't have to come all the way down here.

- Your credit's good. - This is how it got good.

Have you got around to thinking about me yet, Mr Keeney?

40 bucks a week, take it or leave it.

Leave it.

I'm offering 65.

Since when are you in showbiz?

I was asked by one of your competitors

to keep my eyes open should I see something special.

Oooh! I'm something special!

$65 a week, Miss Brice, plus dinner.

- Plus dinner?! - What do you say?

- Yes. - $75!

- $85! - $90.

- $100. - $110!

Go on.

Sorry, I wasn't authorised to go above 100.

- Okay, yeah. - She's all yours at $110 a week.

- Plus dinner? - Plus dinner. Congratulations!

Thanks!

Ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha... Hey...?

$110 a week?

I am practically a millionaire! Who's the competitor?

Oh, come on, who is the competition?

It's Ziegfeld, right? I'm only kidding.

- Who is it? - No-one.

Say what?

Ah, you mean you were bluffing, like in a poker game?

Well, what would have happened if Keeney had stopped first?

You would have lost the job.

I would have lost the job?

I was willing to take that chance.

You were willing?

Well, ain't you something! Oh, wow! Wow!

Are those, er, yours?

I'm minding them for a friend.

Well, I could look like that, all mysterious!

(LAUGHTER)

- But I guess I talk too much. - I hadn't noticed.

Oh, boy, have you got good manners!

Well, go on, I'd better let you go with them.

If there's ever anything I can do for you.

Let me give you my card. I know a lot of people.

"Nick Arnstein. Hotel Astor."

# Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein

# What a beautiful, beautiful name. #

Well, thank you, Mr Arnstein, goodbye.

Good night, Miss Brice, and good luck.

# Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein

# What a beautiful, beautiful fella. #

Thank you. Bye-bye, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and tell whoever washes your shirt

to run a little starch through the last rinse.

That way it won't go so limp.

Thank you. I won't forget.

# Wearing a full dress formal And not even going to a wedding! #

- What? - BOTH: That was Nick Arnstein!

- Yeah? - Didn't you never heard of him?

He's somebody.

A real mover and shaker. A high roller.

Oh, they say he has his hands in everything - boxing, racing.

Chorus girls.

# I bet he'll know Flo Ziegfeld

# He may even know Mr Wrigley from Spearmint... #

He's dated nearly every dancer on Broadway.

And a few from other avenues.

Do yourself a favour, date a nice guy, like Eddie.

# Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein

# Did you see how he had polish on his nails? #

What are you two, glued here?

Let's go, I got a man waiting for me!

All you've got waiting for you is cold chicken.

# Nicky Arnstein! Nicky Arnstein

# I'll never see him again. #

Oh, something tells me you ain't seen the last of him yet.

Where did the boy go? Eddie!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

How could she have nothing in her closet to wear?

What's she been walking around in all this time, towels?

Some day, Eddie, when I have nothing else to do,

I'll explain to you all about girls.

Up!

- FANNY: Eddie! - Yeah!

Do you think this is a job or an audition?

- A job! - No, no, but it doesn't say. Look!

Yeah, she's right. All the telegram says is,

"Dear Miss Brice, stop.

"I'd like to see you at the New York Theatre

"on Thursday at four o'clock, stop.

"Signed, Florenz Ziegfeld."

Look, by heart!

- Like the pledge of allegiance. - Yes, cut now, recite later!

I wonder how a momma came to name a boy Florenz?

It's Flor-enzzz!

- Oh, that's better? - Hem's done!

Wait, I got to put on the fur!

Do you know what I think? Somebody talked to him about me.

There was this guy backstage one night,

just the type of guy you'd figure would know Ziegfeld.

Oh! I bet it was him.

You've been at Keeney's eight months.

The past five, you've been featured.

There's stuff about you in the papers

practically every day.

But a telegram arrives

and suddenly it's because of some schmoe you met once?

Yeah, I bet that's who it was!

If you knew how many coats

and God knows what else this fur has been on...

My stomach aches.

Because you're making yourself crazy over this.

Why did you decide to make a dress now?

So I wouldn't get nervous, but now my head aches.

Oh, it's all coming too easy.

That's what's got me scared.

I mean, where's all the suffering an artist is supposed to go through

before it clicks, you know?

Where's all the hard knocks, Mrs Meeker?

The setbacks you're supposed to learn from?

All those years on the road weren't enough hard knocks for you?

Oh, I haven't suffered enough yet.

- I have. - Oh, thank you!

You, take that off! You, put that on!

Yes, Momma. Come on, you!

Please don't anyone about this.

Greetings and salutations!

You can't say hello like a normal human being?

- I've brought grapes. - Ooh, grapes!

Now, as I was saying, I was in a taxi on my way home

from my MARRIED daughter Sadie's,

when I passed by Keeney's Theatre, and outside,

where they have the picture of the girl

who's opening the new show, whose picture didn't I see?

Let me guess.

My UNMARRIED daughter Fanny's.

That's because she ain't in the show.

- Ah-ha! - Sarah Strakosh,

when I'm worried my daughter Fanny is out of work,

I'll send you a telegram, like someone sent one to her.

"My dear Fanny, stop.

"Please do me a big personal favour

"and come to the New York Theatre this Thursday at four o'clock

"in regards to your starring

"in the new Ziegfeld Follies, stop.

"Love and kisses."

Signed, Flor-enz Ziegfeld.

The Ziegfeld Follies? In person!

Oh, Fanny, darling, now you belong to the ages!

The ages!

(FANFARE)

Hey, is that supposed to be there? ..Well move!

And you with the ladder, come to my office immediately.

Oh, Joe, come on, we haven't got all day!

# Aah, aah, aah

# Aah, aah, aah

# Aah, aah, aah

# Aah, aah, aah

# Aah, aah, aah

# Aah, aah, aah

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah

# Ziegfeld's Follies

# Ziegfeld's Follies

# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

# Doo, doo

# Doo, aah. #

Mr Ziegfeld! Mimsey's headdress is too high for the arch!

ZIEGFELD: Raise the arch!

Oh, Mr Ziegfeld?

Wouldn't it be easier to lower the headdress?

ZIEGFELD: Easier, not better.

Excuse me! No, sorry. Excuse me? Where is he?

Up above, like God!

Oh! Oh, okay, thank you.

Mr Ziegfeld! Sorry, excuse me, yeah, yeah.

- Mr Ziegfeld! - Yes, Miss Brice?

Oh, I don't want to be in the finale.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

ZIEGFELD: What was that you said, Miss Brice?

I said, I cannot wait to be in the finale.

No, no, no, Mr Ziegfeld, look, I'm sorry, but I can't sing,

"I am the beautiful reflection of my love's affection."

They'll laugh at me!

ZIEGFELD: You're a comic. They're supposed to laugh at you.

With me, not at me.

Look, why don't we just do Cornet Man

and then we'll call it a night, okay? Thank you.

ZIEGFELD: May I remind you that you are in MY theatre.

What, and nobody argues with the landlord?

ZIEGFELD: That is exactly what I mean.

If I take you out of the finale,

I will also take you out of the Follies.

I give the orders, I make the decisions, not you.

Okay. You're the boss!

But I'm telling you, when you see me prancing around in a fancy dress

telling the audience how beautiful I am, you'll be sorry!

ZIEGFELD: That's your opinion.

Well, whose opinion should I have? Henry Houdini?

ZIEGFELD: That's Harry Houdini.

That's your opinion.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

ZIEGFELD: Thank you, Miss Brice. That will be all.

- We should go. - Sorry, Mr Ziegfeld?

Mr Ziegfeld!

ZIEGFELD: Yes, Miss Brice?

Can I hum it? What? What?

ZIEGFELD: You will sing every word exactly as written.

- Does it got to be in English? - SHOUTING: Miss Brice!

Right, yes, Mr Ziegfeld! Whatever you say, Mr Ziegfeld!

You're the boss, Mr Ziegfeld!

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are pleased to present with justifiable pride,

Florenz Ziegfeld glorifying the American bride.

MAN SINGING: # You are the beautiful reflection

# Of his love's affection

# A walking illustration of his adoration

# His love makes you beautiful

# So beautiful

# So beautiful

# And woman loved is woman glorified

# You'll make a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

# Bride

# Aah, aah, aah

# Aah, aah, aah

# Aah, aah, aah

# Aah, aah, aah

# You'll ask your looking glass

# What is it Makes you so exquisite?

# The answer to your query Comes back, dearie

# His love makes you beautiful

# So beautiful, so beautiful

# And woman loved is woman glorified

# You'll make a beautiful, beautiful

# Beautiful, beautiful bride

(WEDDING BELLS RING)

(SHE WHISTLES)

# Here comes the bride Another beautiful bride

# Ziegfeld presents her with justifiable pride

(MUSIC STOPS/AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

# I am the beautiful reflection

# Of my love's affection

# A walking illustration

# Of his adoration

# His love makes me beautiful... #

Sorry.

# So beautiful, so beautiful

(OFF-KEY) # And woman loved is woman glorified

# I'll make a beautiful

# Beautiful, beautiful, beauti... #

Whoa! I'm beautiful?

Boys, get me down! Let's dance, come on!

Whee! Here we go! And one, two, three.

# And one, two, three and... #

(SHE CHUCKLES)

Oh! Boys, it's kicking.

I think something's happening down here. Oh, my gosh!

Boys, it's gonna pop out! It's coming!

(GROANS)

No, no, it's just gas!

# You are so beautiful

# You are so beautiful

# You are so beautiful

# A beautiful

# Bride! #

(APPLAUSE)

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Fanny, I cannot tell you - we thought you were wonderful!

Was it all right?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to thank you all for your cooperation.

You did beautifully. I'm very proud of you.

And wasn't my daughter wonderful?

Hello, Mr Ziegfeld. I'm Fanny's momma.

And this is a friend of hers, Eddie Ryan.

Eddie, this is Floren-z Ziegfeld.

Congratulations, Mr Ziegfeld.

You're shaking hands with a genius, Eddie.

Who but Ziegfeld would think of putting a beautiful bride's gown

on a girl in the family way?

Who, I ask you, who?

Only one person I know!

Hi, Mr Ziegfeld! So, it went good?

There are a few things we need to discuss.

EDDIE: Fanny, we've got to go.

Mrs Brice is throwing a party at her saloon for Fanny.

She's expecting half the neighbourhood.

Half? All!

Mr Ziegfeld, come - it's just friends!

Believe me, in Brooklyn, you won't be the Great Ziegfeld,

you'll just be Flo...Mr Ziegfeld.

- Oh, come on! - 24 Henry Street. Don't forget!

That's Eddie.

A terrific dance director, oh, and some hoofer.

You ought to see... Yeah, you're pretty mad, huh?

Yes, Miss Brice, I think you owe me an apology.

Huh. You didn't like it, no?

- Yes, I did like it. - Oh!

You were right.

Oh, if I was right, maybe you owe me an apology!

I'll apologise if you... No, okay then.

Miss Brice, if you ever flout my authority again,

I will bring the curtain down on you!

I'm sorry.

Well, in that case, Miss Brice, I apologise, too.

(HE CHUCKLES)

And I thought you were wonderful.

Aw! Thank you, Mr Ziegfeld! Well, in that case,

maybe I could have another song.

But here's the thing, and I feel very definite about it,

well, I choose my own material.

- What? - Songs, y'know? La, la, la, songs.

Good evening, and congratulations, both of you.

Ohhh!

Hey, it's you!

- You remember me? - Well, of course!

You were my first ruffled shirt. Any more competitors?

I could always do with a raise. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Ziegfeld has no competitors.

Good to see you, Nick. How are they running?

Not as good as you and this little lady.

I had a hunch you two belonged together.

I have the same hunch, and it's ageing me fast.

I knew it! It was you. It was you who told him about me.

- I'm afraid not. I wish I had. - No, I don't believe you.

Shall I call him back? You can ask him yourself!

You probably set it up that way between you!

Well, there comes a point at which honesty becomes ridiculous.

Fine, have it your way. As your benefactor...

I am very proud of you.

- I did pretty good, huh? - Well, it didn't surprise me.

After all, I wrote the card with your flowers

before the curtain went up.

I'm sorry, I didn't get a chance to look.

- I hope you like white roses. - Wow! Thank you.

"Dear Star, I told you so."

If you were a horse, I would have bet on you.

Oh! Do your horses always win?

No, but they're always the best on the track.

You are very funny, the old-fashion and all.

You know, you remind me of my grandmother.

Oh please, stop - my head!

Another compliment like that, I won't be able to fit into my hat.

What I mean is that you and audience,

there's a relationship, like old friends.

Oh, Haymishe!

- Haymishe? - It's Yiddish.

Are you sure your name's Arnstein? Haymishe, you know, like family.

Like family.

I guess we grew up on different sides of the street.

And yet somehow, we find ourselves together.

So, what do we do about it?

What, we got to do something?

Success is to be enjoyed, to flaunt.

You need to make the rounds all over town, make grand entrances

and watch people stare and whisper,

"That's Ziegfeld's new star and who is that lucky man with her?"

Well, I'd love to an' all,

but my mother's having a party tonight at her saloon.

It's for me, honest.

- You want to come? - I'd love to.

- You mean that? - Of course I do.

Oh! Well, I mean, I know it's not every day

a glorified Ziegfeld Girl like me

asks you to schlep across to Brooklyn, but no, no-no-no.

This is just a neighbourhood thing, you know?

I wouldn't want to waste your evening.

I'll be with you, won't I?

# I want to be seen Be seen with you

# With you on my arm

# To wear you like a charm

# Your glitter decorating my arm

# Now naturally, such proximity

# Gives rumours to rise

# Let them analyse

# What our amalgamation implies

# And yes

# The gossips will press

# Too willing to stress

# The seamy side

# Know what? So what!

# I want to be seen Be seen with you

# With you on my arm

# Let's give this town a light

# And hit it like a meteorite

# Tonight, I want to be seen with you

# The moon Over mother's saloon

# Have a nice macaroon

# I'll buy you a light beer

# Right, dear

# I want to be seen Be seen with you

# With you on my arm

# Let's give this town a light

# And hit it like a meteorite

# Tonight I want to be seen with

# Just got to be seen with

# I'd like to be seen with

# I want to be seen with you. #

(MUSIC STOPS/APPLAUSE)

# Henry Street

# No, it ain't Broadway It's Henry Street

# Long after midnight

# It's lit up as bright as a lighthouse

# Brighter tonight than the White House

# We're proud to tell you that CPAs

# We got in dozens and lawyers

# Take your choice!

# Messes and messes of young D-D-esses

- # A loony who teaches voice... # - Aaah-aaahhh!

# But Henry Street has something it ain't had so far

# The greatest, most glamorous

# Genuine, glorified Ziegfeld star! #

(THEY CHEER)

Hey Fanny, congratulations!

Oh, Fanny, Fanny. Fanny, darling.

I've always wanted to dance with a Ziegfeld girl.

Have you really? Come on then, let's do it.

Oh, you know the routine?

Do you know the next move?

I'm out of a job!

And then a whoop!

Very good, Mrs Meeker. You go, boys!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

(MUSIC OVER CONVERSATION)

WOMAN: Mr Keeney, give us a twirl!

(BALLET MUSIC)

Hey, hey! No.

(SHOW MUSIC)

# Henry Street

# No, it ain't Broadway It's Henry Street

# Long after midnight

# It's lit up as bright as a lighthouse

# Brighter tonight than the White House... #

Fanny!

# CPAs, we got in dozens and lawyers

# Take your choice!

# Messes and messes of young D-D-esses

# A loony who teaches voice... #

ALL: # Aaah, aah, aah, aah! #

# But Henry Street has something it ain't had so far

(EXCITED CHATTER)

# The greatest, most glamorous, genuine

# Glorified Ziegfeld

# Star! #

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you, guys. That's so sweet.

I love you, too. Thank you.

Oh, Momma, Momma, I would like to introduce you to Nick Arnstein.

It's my pleasure. You mean the ruffled shirt!

- No, Momma! - What did I say?

- I said something wrong? - You said something charming.

You must be very proud of your daughter.

I'm proud of all my children.

My son Lew, my other daughter Carrie...

Well, hello!

I don't believe we have met. I'm Mrs Strakosh.

How do you do? I'm Nick Arnstein. I'm a friend of Miss Brice.

Would you perhaps like to join us in a little poker?

A friendly little three cents limit.

Three, you say?

- I'm Mrs Meeker. - A pleasure.

- Your deal. - Thank you.

(THEY GASP)

And here I worried about bringing him home.

You never worried about bringing me home.

Well, he's not from the neighbourhood.

Neither am I.

Oh, I guess a gentleman fits in anywhere.

Fanny! Hey, come join us.

MRS BRICE: That Mr Arnstein, the way he looks at home,

I got a feeling this isn't his first poker game.

A gentleman fits in anywhere.

So does a sponge.

A stranger ought to act a little strange.

You think he's good-looking?

Gorgeous.

Reminds me of Fanny's papa, my ex, also gorgeous

and, wherever he is,

he should only stay there.

You don't think he's a little... I don't know...

MRS BRICE: Charming? Debonair? Dignified?

Slick?

Eddie, I've never been one to stick my nose

where it don't belong, but...

if you wanna get somewhere with my daughter,

step up before it's too late.

Fanny don't see me that way.

There are men who should be pursued

and there are men who should be avoided.

Guess which ones usually get the girl?

57 cents to you, 39 to you, and worth every penny.

Well, a fine bunch of crooks I introduced you to.

We're more in practice is all.

Fanny, I'm so happy for your success.

Only one thing could make me happier.

To dance at your wedding.

Sit, children, sit! Talk a little.

(THEY LAUGH)

Oh! Should I murder her now or wait till the party's over?

- Now! - But I love Mrs Strakosh

and, if you knew how hard I had to work to let her win 57 cents...

I had to cheat! (FANNY LAUGHS)

I've waited all night to be alone with you.

Congratulations again, Fanny. And remember, I want passes.

Well, okay. Thank you, Mrs Nadler.

Alone with you and a block full of your intimate friends.

Around here you are never alone.

All I did tonight was open in the Follies.

You want to see them get really excited?

Wait till I break a fingernail.

You know, it's funny,

I imagined you every place in the world -

London, Paris. Everywhere but Brooklyn.

You've imagined me?

Well...you know, maybe it was the ruffled shirt.

But...you're like a character in a book to me

and I don't read so many books, so...

So it's your turn. Say something!

Would you say you were a woman of wide experience?

- About what? - Men.

Men! Yes, I have thousands at my feet(!)

The other side of the footlights. No.

Well, I've been busy. How about you?

Hundreds of girls, I bet.

Merely dozens. Nothing serious.

I like feeling free.

Well, you can get lonesome being that free.

Well, you can get lonesome being that busy.

Now who would think to look at us that we got the same problem?

# We travel single, oh

# Maybe we're lucky

# But I don't know

# With them Just let one kid fall down

# And seven mothers faint

# I guess we're both happy

# But maybe

# We ain't

# People

# People who need people

# Are the luckiest people

# In the world

# We're children

# Needing other children

# And yet letting our grown-up pride

# Hide all the need inside

# Acting more like children

# Than children

# Lovers

# Are very special people

# They're the luckiest people

# In the world

# With one person

# One very special person

# A feeling deep in your soul

# Says you were half Now you're whole

# No more hunger and thirst

# But first, be a person

# Who needs people

# People who need people

# Are the luckiest people

# In the world. #

Fanny. Fanny, you are a wonderful girl.

I wish I could get to know you better.

Oh! Well, bet you can give me six good reasons why not.

Just one.

I have to catch a train early in the morning for Kentucky.

What's in Kentucky?

Half interest in a little farm. I breed horses.

What's the matter, they can't do it themselves?

(HE CHUCKLES) Well, come on, are you packed?

What are you waiting around for? I mean, it's practically morning.

If you hadn't been such a success tonight,

I would have asked you to come with me. It's too bad, really.

No, no, I don't know.

What with opening night and an indecent proposal.

It was indecent, wasn't it?

- Completely. - Thank God!

I can tell Mrs Strakosh things are looking up.

May I call you when I get back?

Yeah, sure. Why not, you know?

Or just turn up backstage sometime, or at a block party.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Hey!

Good night.

Good night.

# A feeling deep in your soul

# Says you were half Now you're whole

# No more hunger and thirst

# But first, be a person

# Who needs people

# People who need people

# Are the luckiest people

# In the world. #

(CHEERING/APPLAUSE)

(MUSICAL REPRISE)

Where'd Fanny run off to?

A certain somebody showed up in town.

Yeah? Who?

"My dear Miss Brice.

"I choose to believe it is something more than coincidence

"that brings us both to Baltimore at the same time.

"I hope you will grant me the pleasure

"of your company for supper this evening

"at the Hotel Belvedere.

"No reply necessary.

"I will await your arrival at ten either way.

"Your number one admirer...

"Nick Arnstein."

You think she's gonna show up?

Well, with an invite like that, I think maybe I'll show up!

(MUSIC STARTS)

(WOMEN SQUEAL EXCITEDLY)

I'll ring for you, Paul.

We're going to have a little sherry before dinner.

Very good, sir.

And may I say, Mr Arnstein,

what a pleasure it is to have you back in Baltimore.

Thank you, Paul.

DEEP VOICE: Good evening.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

I wasn't sure you'd come.

That makes two of us.

May I take your wrap?

That colour is wonderful with your eyes.

Just my right eye. I hate what it does to the left.

(BELL RINGS) Whoa, boy!

Are you planning on making advances?

It does seem possible.

- What, before or after dinner? - You look beautiful.

Oh, you don't gotta make leading lady dialogue with me, I'm a comic.

- Onstage. - That's where I live, onstage.

Then you're missing a lot!

Yes, well, you can't have everything.

Of course you can, if you insist on it.

Look at that! Somebody laid a blue marble egg on the table!

I got that in Europe ages ago.

It's one of my favourite things. I thought you might like it.

A blue marble egg, white roses.

You went to a lot of trouble

for someone you weren't sure would show up.

I hoped you would, just as I hope you like dry sherry.

I wouldn't know dry from wet.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Thank you.

(SHE WHEEZES)

(COUGHS)

Are you going to be all right?

Yes, I'm fine, thank you.

I can look after myself!

- What are you so angry about? - Who's angry?

Look, I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you

in some way, but what did you expect?

That you could just come waltzing back into my life after ten months

and say you've got a week before you go to Europe

and have me fall all over you,

just because you were my first "top hat"?

Well, I used to impress very easily.

I'm a little older now!

Funny, you seem much younger.

- About eight, I'd say. - Shut up.

A bad-tempered eight.

And you still haven't answered my question.

- What are you so angry about? - I'm not angry!

You haven't answered my question.

Well, do you think I should be flattered because...because...

because this time your train isn't leaving in the morning?

This time you got a week to kill?

I'm not that kid of Keeney's any more.

You're not slumming here!

- I never was and you know it. - Don't you holler at me!

I'm not hollering. You are.

That's different. I'm a natural hollerer.

Anyway, look, I answered your silly question.

When I heard you were here, I lit up like a Christmas tree.

Yeah, yeah. All at the thought of great, big, wonderful me, ha.

Now, don't make fun of yourself. Fanny, don't.

And it WAS at the thought of seeing you.

And I don't have a week to kill.

I thought of it more as a week to share.

So how come you missed my last two opening nights?

- I was there. - What?

Well, why wouldn't you come backstage?

Because you scare me to death.

Maybe we should order dinner now.

Are you sure you want to stay?

Well, I'm here. I might as well eat.

Very sensible.

(BELL RINGS)

I think we're ready now, Paul.

Caviar to begin with, Mr Arnstein?

Pate Strasbourg, I think, followed by the filet de boeuf,

sauce bordelaise, pommes de terre souffle, endive,

stemmed strawberries

and a very light Bordeaux with the filet.

St Emilien, 1905?

- Perfect! - Thank you, Mr Arnstein.

Is that all right?

I would'a ordered roast beef and potatoes.

I did.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLING) Boy! If I can't tell when you're ordering roast beef,

how will I know if you're making advances?

Oh, you'll know.

I'll be much more direct.

# You are woman

# I am man

# You are smaller So I can be taller than

# You are softer to the touch

# It's a feeling I like feeling very much #

No!

# You are someone I've admired

- # Still our friendship... # - Stop following me! Go away!

# Leaves something to be desired

# Does it take more explanation than this?

# You are woman I am man

# Let's kiss

# Isn't this the height of nonchalance

# Furnishing a bed in restaurants

# Well, a bit of dinner never hurt

# But guess who is gonna be dessert

# Do good, girls Do just what Momma says

# When Momma's not around

# It's a feeling Oy, vey, what a feeling! #

- A bit of pate? - I drink it all day!

# Should I do the things he'll tell me to?

# In this pickle What would Sadie do?

# In my soul I feel an inner lack

# Just suppose he wants his dinner back

BOTH: # Does it take more explanation than this?

# Just some dried-out toast in a sliver

# On the top A little... #

chopped liver!

I love chopped liver.

We call that chopped liver where I'm from. Oh, gosh.

# How many girls become a sinner

# Whilst waiting for a roast beef dinner?

# Well, most girls slip in ordinary ways

# I got style I do it bordelaise

# Well, at least he thinks I'm special

# He ordered a la carte

# It's a feeling I like feeling very

# I feel the feeling down to my...toes

# Now I feel that there's a fire here

# Try that once a little higher, dear

(GASPS) # What a beast to ruin such a pearl

# Would a convent take a Jewish girl? #

FANNY: Oh!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

# Does it take more explanation than this?

# Ooh! The thrills and chills running through me

# If I stop him now

# Can he sue me?

# You are woman

# You are man. #

Let's.

(SHE CHUCKLES WICKEDLY)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(MUSIC STARTS)

# I think you're bluffing, Mrs Strakosh, bluffing!

- # You think so? - # I think so. #

Tell me, Mrs Brice, is Fanny still on the road?

She just called long-distance from Baltimore.

- How did she sound? - Two shows in a row,

like a cart-horse she's working - how should she sound? Tired!

She didn't sound so tired, she sounded silly.

She kept laughing.

Maybe something struck her comical.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

A mother says hello and that's so comical?

And another thing about Fanny, on the road she lives like a mouse.

Suddenly, Baltimore, she's all over town.

Up streets, down streets, museums, race tracks,

graveyards yet.

Graveyards? Do you think it could be a fella?

Think? I know!

Who is it then?

BOTH: Ohh!

- The ruffled shirt! - The ruffled shirt!

I knew she'd see him again!

At the party, I planted a seed.

You planted a seed on Henry Street

and ten months later a tree grows in Baltimore?

- # I bet three cents - # I raise you three cents

- # I'm out - # Save your money, Rose

- # I raise you another three cents - # And I call. #

- What you got? - King of hearts, ten of diamonds,

six of clubs, four of spades and three of diamonds.

Take it.

# I thought you were bluffing! # (THEY LAUGH)

MRS BRICE: You! One of these days I'll beat ya.

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC)

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

John, John, why does it always have to be so early in the morning?

Quit griping! You're in Baltimore and you're leaving.

I can't shake the feeling I forgot something at the hotel.

Where's your wife?

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!

Actors!

EDDIE: Emma!

Look who's here! A New York face!

I didn't think we'd see you till Chicago.

Fanny thought we could go over the new material

if we took the train together.

Well, she should be right here.

John, can you take care of Miss Brice's luggage, please?

- Ooh! - Yeah, she bought these yesterday.

Monogrammed, no less! How long has Arnstein been in town?

Well, it was supposed to be a week, but he stayed all run.

But don't worry, he's not coming with us to Chicago.

She's a grown woman. She can do what she wants.

It appears you're taking all of Baltimore with you, Miss Brice.

I never wanna leave.

It's the most beautiful city in the whole world.

Yes, miss... If you say so.

Oh, Nick, I wish you were coming with me to show me

what you could do for Chicago.

I wanted to surprise you, darling, but now I can't.

You were there at the race track. Elsie lost the Baltimore Handicap

and I lost Elsie and my shirt.

Not the ruffled one?

No, darling, I'll never lose that, nor my gambling money,

but just about everything else.

So I'm on the train to New York, where there's a boat to Monte Carlo,

where there are lots of casinos,

filled with lots of bored businessmen who like to play cards.

What, Chicago ran out of businessmen?

After that, London and, well, right about then it's racing season again.

Yeah, but you don't gotta gamble, I mean.

You know, you could be like a regular gentleman farmer

with your horses and your breeding!

Or those oils wells that you talked about in California,

- you could do that. - Fanny, this is how I live!

- Okay. - I told you that

way back on Henry Street and the first night we were here.

I know, I know, I was just talking is all.

You don't gotta worry, you're not involved.

ANNOUNCER: 6:00am to New York leaving on track 12, final boarding.

That's me. I've got to run.

Nick, look, you walk back into my life,

you change everything and then you walk back out again,

just like the last time.

- It's not a bit like the last time. - Well, what's different?

I love you.

You mean that? You're not just being polite?

Listen, London, Monte Carlo, Los Angeles,

you know what you got there?

The makings of one great honeymoon! Let's get married.

I mean, you don't gotta, I'm all yours anyway, but we...

Excuse me, I think this is yours, Mr Brice.

See, even he thinks it's a good idea!

Darling, I do want to marry you, but not now,

not when I'm broke.

Okay, so marry me for my money. I won't be insulted, I swear.

That's exactly what people will think.

- Who cares? - I do!

Look, we're gonna do things my way or not at all.

Okay, yes, Mr Arnstein, whatever you say, Mr Arnstein,

but you did say

- you're gonna marry me, right? - Yes.

ANNOUNCER: Last call, train to New York leaving on track 12.

- And that you love me? - Mm-hm. I'll call.

- And write. - Goodbye, Fanny!

Nick, oh, wait!

- Girls! - Well, look at that face!

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

You might be the first person in history sorry to leave Baltimore.

Girls, how do you do that?

How do you turn your back on something you want

and just let it walk away?

- You just do. - No, I don't. I can't!

Sure you can.

Listen, kid, if you're gonna die

every time you say goodbye to a man...

Where's Emma?

- Emma! - Yes, Fanny?

Get all my luggage off that train.

- I'm not going to Chicago. - What?

And get me on the next train to New York.

Just where do you think you're going?

To Monte Carlo with Nick Arnstein.

- He asked you to go with him? - No.

But he'll be glad when he sees me, I hope.

Are you out of your mind?!

The man said he loves me!

Get her bags to track 16.

ZIEGFELD: Miss Brice!

Have you forgotten you're on tour with this show?

Hey, simmer down, Flo, before your ulcer starts flaring up.

That's funny coming from you - you gave me this ulcer!

Flo, look, I love you, I love the show, I love the audience,

but you can't take an audience home with you.

I want a life too.

Fanny, if you do this, I'm through with you,

and I mean it! Get out of my way!

Fanny, can't you see that you're making a fool out of yourself?

No, I can't. This is right for me.

- But is it right for Nick? - I'll make it right for him!

Fanny, take my advice and don't.

# Don't tell me not to live

# Just sit and putter

# Life's candy and the sun's A ball of butter

# Don't bring around a cloud To rain on my parade

# Don't tell me not to fly I've simply got to

# If someone takes a spill It's me and not you

# Who told you you're allowed To rain on my parade?

# I'll march my band out

# I'll beat my drum

# And if I'm fanned out

# Your turn at bat, sir

# At least I didn't fake it

# Hat, sir I guess I didn't make it

# But whether I'm the rose Of sheer perfection

# A freckle on the nose Of life's complexion

# A cinder or the shiny apple of its eye

# I gotta fly once I gotta try once

# Only can die once, right, sir?

# Ooh, love is juicy Juicy and you see

# I gotta have my bite, sir

# Get ready for me, love 'Cause I'm a comer

# I simply gotta march My heart's a drummer

# Don't bring around a cloud To rain on my parade

# I'm gonna live and live now

# Get what I want, I know how

# One roll for the whole shebang

# One throw that bell will go clang

# Eyes on the target and wham!

# One shot, one gunshot and bam!

# Hey, Mister Arnstein

# Here I am

# I'll march my band out

# I'll beat my drum

# And if I'm fanned out

# Your turn at bat, sir

# At least I didn't fake it Hat, sir

# I guess I didn't make it

# Get ready for me, love 'Cause I'm a comer

# I simply gotta march My heart's a drummer

# Nobody, no, nobody

# Is gonna rain on my

# Parade! #

Yeah! (APPLAUSE/CHEERING)

(OVERTURE PLAYS)

# Hey, Mr Arnstein

# Here I am! #

Did somebody order a girl?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Fanny, you crazy!

(LAUGHING) What are you doing here in Monte Carlo?

Nick, look, I know I said I'd wait till you made a load of cash,

but you always do.

I mean, you got deals and card games and those oil wells you talk about.

There's always money to be made.

But I... I want to be a Sadie now.

- A what? - A Sadie.

You know Mrs Strakosh's daughter, Sadie?

- Mm-hm. - I mean, that is a married lady!

Is there no escaping Henry Street?

No, not for you and not for you from me.

Darling, it's getting late!

I'll call the porter to bring your bags up.

- We'll talk in the morning, yes? - Okay.

It's been a long trip for you, Sadie.

You must be very tired.

(MUSIC STARTS)

Did you just call me Sadie?

Did I not mention what a good night I had at the tables?

# Mrs Arnstein, Mrs Arnstein

# What a beautiful, beautiful name

# Sadie, Sadie

# Married lady

# Bow as I go by

# I'm a corporation now

# Not me myself and I

# Oh, how that marriage licence works

# On chambermaids and hotel clerks

# The honeymoon was such delight

# That we got married that same night

# I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady

# Still in my bed at noon

# Wracking my brain deciding

# Between orange juice and prune

# Nick says nothing is too good for me

# And who am I not to agree?

# I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, that's me! #

(ALL GASP)

# She's Sadie, Sadie, married lady

# Meet a mortgagee

# The owner of an ice box

# With a ten-year guarantee

# Oh, sit me in the softest seat

# Quick, a cushion for my feet

# Do for me, buy for me, lift me, carry me

# Finally got a guy to marry me

# I do my nails Read up on sales

# All day the records play

# Then he comes home I tell him

# Oy, what a day I had today!

# I swear I'll do my wifely job

# Just sit at home, become a slob

# I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, that's me! #

(WEDDING BELLS CHIME)

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Come on, girls!

# She's Sadie, Sadie, married lady

# Sadie, you did the trick

# Not every girl can get herself

# A guy who looks like Nick

# To tell the truth It hurt my pride

# The groom was prettier than the bride!

# Sadie, Sadie, married lady

# Husband, house, a mortgage, a baby

# You are the beautiful reflection of my love's affection

# A walking illustration of my adoration... #

Welcome to our new home.

What? No, Nick, you said a cottage on Long Island!

Well, this is Long Island and I believe there is a cottage,

right between the swimming pool and the tennis courts.

Oh, my gosh, this is huge!

You!

# Sadie, Sadie, married lady... #

- That's who? - # That's you!

# That's me, married lady

# Sadie, Sadie, married lady

# Lady, lady, lady, Sadie! #

(APPLAUSE)

# She's Sadie, Sadie, married lady

# Sadie, you did the trick

# Not every girl can get herself A guy who looks like Nick... #

Seven, eight, nine, ten. Pay up, ladies.

Calm yourself.

Just because you win a few games of pisha-paysha

don't make you the new Nick Arnstein!

- Aren't we moody? - Who's moody?

You haven't won a hand all afternoon.

Maybe I have other things on my mind!

- Such as? - Such as why are you always

the last to put in your ante?

So, how's Fanny?

Fanny couldn't be better, thank you.

She starts rehearsals on the new show tomorrow.

And guess who Ziegfeld promoted to dance director?

Oh, congratulations, Eddie!

But I thought Fanny wasn't going back to work

until little Frances, God bless her, was at least a year old.

So, tell me, between us... she has to.

No, she don't have to.

Fanny has plenty of help at home. Why shouldn't she go back to work?

I'm just saying.

In the bank, I'd like to have what that son-in-law of yours lost

in them oil wells.

- So, they're okay? - Of course they're okay.

- Why shouldn't they be okay? - I just thought...

If you thought less about my daughter's marriage

and more about your cards, maybe you'd win a hand now and then.

BOTH: Ooh!

So, how about Fanny?

Her third Follies. Biggest one yet.

Who'd have ever thought? Fanny, such a star!

And why not? She wasn't exactly born into a family of no-talents!

In my day, I cut more than a rug or two.

And she had me to show her the ropes.

- But do I ever get a bow? - You? How about me?

# My work is done

# My work is done

# Our work is done

# She doesn't need us

# She'll have cake

# We'll have crumbs

# Be careful of the stage door

# Here she comes, here she comes

# Hello, Fanny, hello

# Hello, Fanny, it's me, Momma

# What do you mean, "Momma who?"

# It's good to see her from afar

# I lost a daughter But I gained a star

# That's Broadway! #

Oy!

# And who taught her everything she knows?

# I taught her everything she knows

- # She sings like a bird... # - (WHISTLES)

# Yes, indeed

# But who used to stand there And feed her the seed?

# Who taught her how to pick her clothes? #

That I did, Eddie.

# Who taught her how to tap her toes?

# But will she admit it?

# Kid, you said it

# They all forget they know ya When it comes to credit

# Tell me have you ever Seen her take this pose?

# I taught her everything How to hoof and how to sing

# I taught her everything she knows. #

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Just you wait, Eddie, she'll blame us yet.

# Who taught her everything she knows?

# Let me hear it, Rosie

# I taught her everything she knows

# You're preachin' to the choir

# That mischievous smile The devil may care

# You don't pull such mannerisms Out of thin air

# The men who are older might prefer

# The original manufacturer

# It hurts me to say it But why not be fair?

# When you see her on the stage You're seeing me there

# She still has trouble Executing one of those

# If they could have paid the price They'd have hired Rosie Brice!

# Who stands after every show Selling matches in the snow

# But in the world of greasepaint That's the way it goes

# Who taught her everything?

# How to hoof and how to sing

# We taught her how to whack A joke from here to Hackensack

# We taught her everything

# We taught her everything

# We

# Taught her

# Everything she knows! #

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(MUSICAL REPRISE)

Oh, hey, Emma, have you seen that sheet music Eddie sent over?

- I'll go and check in the parlour. - Thanks, honey.

I can't find it. Oh!

(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, can somebody get that, please?

(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, Mrs Carlson! Momma!

Stop the hollering. Mrs Carlson is with the baby.

- I just finished giving her a bath. - Who, Mrs Carlson?

Fanny, do me a favour. Next time your husband buys you a mansion,

can you let him find one

with a few less wings and maybe an escalator?

There's a driver at the door. Someone order a taxi?

That will be for me. Would you ask him to wait, please?

Oh! Where are you off to, the city?

Philadelphia. Actually, just a meeting

on the train for Philadelphia.

That call this morning, I got a tip. Group of investor friends

passing through town on the way to Philly.

You know I'm desperate for investors for my Florida project.

Nick, you promised. It's my first day back at the theatre today.

What am I supposed to do?

Twenty-four hours there and back. You'll never know I'm gone.

Rose, you'll hold down the fort for me, won't you?

- Sure thing. - No, I don't think you should go.

I don't wanna go, darling, but business is business.

Nick, look, I mean it! It's my first day back at rehearsals.

It's the first time I'm leaving the baby on her own.

I'm nervous enough as it is.

- Please, you can't go. - But you've got Emma

and Mrs Carlson, and your mother.

You'll be just fine, darling.

I know, but this isn't what we talked about, Nick!

We said if I was to go back to work, you'd be here.

Twenty-four hours, not even. Promise.

Okay, go ahead.

I'll stay home.

Maybe I decided to go back to work

- too soon anyway. I'll call Flo. - Oh, no.

Fanny, can I get your help with something...?

Momma, keep out of this, okay?

- Fanny... - It's all right, Rose.

If Fanny wants me here, then here is where I will be.

Oh, honey, thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh!

Okay. Right, ready.

What?

I'll be late for the theatre! (LAUGHS)

Oh, it is so good to be back, I can't tell ya!

Stuart, how are ya? Oh, I've missed you guys!

Okay, you, Kim, you're looking beautiful as ever. Ah!

- There's the little mother. - Look at her!

You, I am not talking to!

You haven't been out to see the baby in months!

And you, Flo, what, you don't even ask about her?

You're right. How's the baby?

Oh, the baby? Don't ask. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

She's awfully pretty, isn't she, Eddie?

The cutest baby I ever saw.

No, no, no, but she is pretty, isn't she?

- Very pretty, Fan. - Hmm. Made no mistake hiring him.

First day of rehearsal,

and look who's already got a stage-door Johnny.

Miss Brice, as one of your first admirers,

I'd like to officially welcome you back to the theatre.

- Oh! - And look who else is here.

The baby! The baby! Can I hold her?

You brought the baby! Is she warm enough? She might catch a cold.

- She's fine, Fanny. - Isn't she gorgeous?

So, how are the horses running, my friend?

I guess you haven't heard. My gambling days are over.

Somebody hold me up! (THEY LAUGH) Nick Arnstein has quit the track?

After all these years, I finally had to admit,

do what I may, the percentages will always be

on the side of the house, so from now on...

May I present the house!

I'm buying up half of Florida, the smaller half,

and opening the most luxurious gambling casino in the world!

Has he got it upstairs in the head, my fella?

Your fella better have it downstairs in the pocketbook.

Actually, I came down here

- hoping to run into you, Flo. - Me?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime deal I'm putting together.

- Sounds expensive. - You know my biggest problem?

It's keeping the wrong money out.

Now, I'm gonna control this, Flo, everything on the up and up,

so I'm only making this offer

to a few of my closest friends, like you.

Well, I'm flattered, Nick, but, well,

I do all of my gambling on the stage.

This is no gamble, Flo. Believe me.

Have a look. If ever there was a sure thing.

Maybe next time.

Opportunities like this, they don't land in your lap every day.

Not like this one, Flo.

Well, perhaps I might leave the papers with you.

You might take a browse when you're on your own.

Could you two business tycoons talk about this some other time?

On account of I need a word with the father of my child.

Of course, dear.

- Shall we, ladies? - See you, girls.

Thanks, Flo.

Nick, what are you doing?

I was letting Flo in on a casino. It's a good deal, Fanny.

- Oh, I know, sure it is, but... - I need investors.

They're pouring the foundations as we speak.

If I can't leave town to tap up my usual money people...

I know. But what do you need Flo for when you got me?

- You? - What's wrong with me?

(LAUGHS) Oh, come on, what am I, a kept woman?

Listen, Mister, if we got a real marriage here,

then what's mine is yours.

So come on, do we got a real marriage here or we don't?

But it's 68,000 to close the deal.

Ooh! Do you know a good divorce lawyer?

(CHUCKLES) Come on, I'm in.

Nick, come on, tell me again, how much was it?

68,000 was it?

- Yes. - Okay.

So...am I a partner?

# Please, Fanny Don't hold so tight

# Give me some air and some light

# Somehow I'm lost, really lost

# Somewhere the wires got crossed

# You've got to just set her straight

# Oh, Nicky, run

# Nicky, wait! #

All right, you're a partner.

# It's a temporary arrangement

# When you're down There's nowhere to go but up

# I find that Lady Luck changes affection

# Fortune's a fickle dame

# Haven't run into them lately But both of them know my name

# It's a temporary estrangement

# From the crystal dish And the silver knife

# But there's another side To the coin

# Tomorrow night, tenderloin

# 'Cause a temporary arrangement

# Is the only permanent thing in life

# I find that Lady Luck changes affection

# Fortune's a fickle dame

# Haven't run into them lately But both of them know my name

# It's a temporary estrangement

# From the crystal dish

# And the silver knife

# 'Cause a temporary arrangement

# Is the only permanent thing in life. #

Phone call for you, sir.

Arnstein here.

Yes.

When?

No.

Thank you.

# But there's another side

# To the coin

# 'Cause a temporary arrangement

# Is the only permanent thing

# In life. #

Nick? Oh, no.

Just me. No word from him yet?

Are you sure he's not here?

I was just out front.

Hey, you'll be pleased to know there's not a ticket to be had,

not even standing room.

How does it feel to be adored before you even do anything?

Something is wrong.

He's never missed an opening night yet.

The guy's full of surprises.

I'm not prying or nothing, but is everything okay with you two?

Yeah, of course. (CHUCKLES) It couldn't be better, you know.

He just got back from visiting Miami to see the casino.

Oh, he came back on top of the world.

Like he has anything to bellyache about.

Believe me, if I'd have married my own personal banker...

Don't you start that crap with me, Eddie.

- I didn't mean it like that. - Yeah, sure you did.

Not everything's about money, okay?

Right. Like I don't see what's going on!

Oh, this about you and Nick. You don't like him. You never have!

Well, why should I? the guy's a complete...

It's your opening night and instead of being here with you,

he's off who knows where probably playing cards!

- No, you don't know that. - I bet I could get

pretty good odds in any back room in the city.

(SHE SIGHS)

All is I'm trying to say is

you have worked too hard for everything you have.

Yeah, and more hard work is all I get back in return!

You know, I used to wonder when does the fun begin?

When do the clowns come on?

And then the fabulous magic Nick Arnstein showed up!

You and I have been together a long time, Eddie -

I'll let that one slip.

Sorry! I have this bad habit

- of worrying about you. - Well, break it!

Just stopping by to say how wonderful it is

to have you back with us.

Oh, thanks, Flo.

Well, break a leg.

Flo...you don't happen to have seen Nick out front, have you?

Sorry. I'll keep an eye out for him.

Okay. Thanks.

Oh, come on. (CHUCKLES)

Come on!

Help me get into this.

You want me to help you change? Of course.

You do realise that I'm a guy, right?

A true red-blooded American male through and through

with feelings and desires...

and eyes.

- Unhook my bra. - Why not?

No luck. I've covered every race track, police station...

- Have you tried the hospitals? - Fanny, don't be so dramatic!

What? People get hit by cars all day long.

He could be lying out there on the street somewhere.

Fanny, you're getting yourself all worked up over nothing.

- Emma, please! - Okay, I'll call the hospitals,

but you gotta get on stage!

Come on! Time for the clowns!

(MUSIC STARTS)

(DRAMATIC INTRO)

# Our boys went rat-tat-tat-tat

# Rat-tat-tat-tat

# And shot the Kaiser Where he sat-tat-tat-tat

# With every poppity-pop

# Some kraut took a drop

# American boys are all such straight shooters

# We'll take care of him, Mother

# When he comes home from the war

# We'll take care of him, Mother

# We'll do everything that you would do

# Yeah, and more

# Rat-tat-tat-tat

# We'll give their backs a big pat

# They deserve a future full of joys

# 'Cause they're our Yankee Doodle

# Yankee Doodle

# Yankee Doodle Doughboys. #

(SNAREDRUM PLAYS A MARCH)

Grr! Grr!

Grrrr!

Grr! Grr! Grrrr!

(FANFARE PLAYS)

Company! Order! Arms!

Roll call!

I'm Private Jones from Arkansas.

I'm Private Smith from Kansas.

I'm Private Ryan from Maine.

I'm Private Burke from Wisconsin.

I'm Private O'Brien from Texas.

I'm Private Muntz from Michigan.

# I'm Private Schwartz from Rock-a-way

# And I guess you've heard reports

# That the Kaiser runs a block away

# When they tell him Here come Schwartz

# 'Cause when I get mad Believe it, Jack

# Out from nowhere comes a maniac

# I'll kick you in the foot I'll shoot you in the pants

# I wouldn't give a second chance

# Private Schwartz from Rock-a-way. #

Not you, you're lovely. I love you.

# Private Schwartz

# Private Schwartz

# Private Schwartz from Rock-a-way

# I met a mademoiselle from Armentieres

# And my bagels gave a spin... #

Oy, oy!

# She said, Private Schwartz Come closer, dear, ah!

# What a tzimis I got in

# When you're fighting for democracy

# Count on Irving Schwartz and company

# I'm through and through

# Red white and bluish

# I talk this way

# Because I'm British!

# Tell far Rock-a-way, don't pull the dock away

# 'Cause sailing home Is General Schwartz, woo! #

Look at my medals! Come on!

Very nice, Privates!

Very nice.

Lovely, lovely, lovely, Privates.

Behave.

Bring the lights up - I wanna see my troops!

There they are. Aren't you lovely? Hello.

Hello, there! How are we?

You there with the moustache, can you sit up, please?

Yes, you, madam.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

How are we doing at the top, troops? Let me hear ya!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Yeah! Ah, you beautiful lot.

Okay. This is my bit now, this is my bit, yeah.

This is where I come skipping through in my big pantaloons!

Sorry!

Oh! And stop mincing, you lot! Behave yourselves.

Roll in, roll up, roll down!

Private! Get back in there.

Don't you cheer him.

Give me that gun. I'll get the little bugger.

Ah, I missed him!

Watch this, watch this.

# That's our Yankee Doodle

# Yankee Doodle

# Yankee Doodle

# Yankee Doodle

Hey, up! Ooh!

# Hurrah! #

(MUSIC STOPS, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(MUSICAL REPRISE)

Fanny, you look wonderful!

I can't tell you, I thought I would die from that.

- You've done so well! - Go on ahead to the party.

Fanny will change and be right there.

Fanny, you were sensational! What can I say?

(SHE CHUCKLES)

They liked the show.

It's a hit!

You...were wonderful.

Fanny, darling...

I'm certain you're getting yourself all upset for nothing.

You'll see.

Something came up...

..kept him late,

but...

..he'll show up.

- Oh, yeah? - Mmm.

What, like my father?

Hello, Rose.

- Oh. - Fanny.

- And now I'll be going. - Please stay, Rose.

There are places a mother doesn't belong,

and the middle of a marriage is one of them.

The important thing is you're all right.

Talk, children.

Don't holler.

Talk.

First sign of a fight and you're playing to an empty house.

Darling, I'm so terribly sorry I wasn't here.

Come on then, what was it?

What was more important than your wife's opening night?

I can't wait to hear this.

Nothing. Nothing is more important

- than your opening night. - No, obviously, not to you.

I'm sure your audience didn't suffer because of me.

No, dead right they didn't! But how do you think I felt out there,

trying to be funny, trying to make jokes,

knowing my own husband doesn't even care enough to be here?

- I care! - Where were you, Nick?

Well, to hell with your opening night!

I've lost it all.

A big hurricane flew across Florida today

that took me right off the map.

Gone, everything!

My casino, my money...

..your money, gone!

Nick, I had no idea. I'm so sorry.

I didn't want to tell you before you went on.

Anyhow, I needed a few drinks, a little time to think.

To think? But what's to think, honey?

I mean, come on, it's a hurricane.

Even the great Nick Arnstein can't control the weather.

Though if you could, that would be one special act you got there.

You're not listening to me. We're broke. You're making jokes!

No, we're not broke. Who's broke?

We've got our health, we've got our baby,

and we've got each other, come on.

And I know you didn't lose that ruffled shirt,

'cause I got it hid so good even Sherlock Holmes couldn't find it!

Come on. Come on, you're Nick Arnstein -

you'll be back on top in a couple of weeks!

What if I'm not?

What are you gonna do, write me another cheque?

No, no, please don't walk out, Nick!

# Who are you now

# Now that you're mine?

# Are you something more Than you were before?

# Are you warmer in the rain?

# Are you stronger for my touch?

# Am I giving too little

# By my loving you too much?

- # Who are you now? - # Who are you now?

- # Now that you're mine? - # Now that you're mine?

# Are you something more Than you were before?

# Than you were before?

- # Are you warmer in the rain? - # Are you warmer in the rain?

- # Are you stronger for my touch? - # Stronger for my touch?

# Am I giving too little

# By my loving you too much?

# Too much

- # How is the view? - # How is the view?

- # Sunny and green - # Sunny and green

# How do you compare it to The views you've seen?

# The views I've seen

# I know I am better and braver

# I'm better and braver

- # And better - # And braver

# And surer too

- # But who are you now? - # Who are you now?

- # Now that you're mine? - # Now that you're mine?

# Who are you now?

- # Who are you now? - # Are you someone

# Who's better

# For my love?

# With one person

# One very special person

# A feeling deep in your soul

# Says you were half Now you're whole

# No more hunger and thirst

# But first, be a person

# Who needs people

# People who need people

# Are the luckiest people

# Who are you now?

# Who are you now?

# Are you someone better

# For my love?

# My love. #

(MUSIC STOPS/AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(CHUCKLES) Well, you will forgive me if I seem a little over-cautious.

Not at all.

I had a rather large development go south last year.

Yes, I think I heard something about that. A casino, yes?

- Well, let's toast to better luck! - And better weather.

And as far as my offer goes, all you have to do is say yes.

You're offering me every gambler's dream -

the chance to bet without anteing up.

Well, money is not what I need from you.

You know, most people think

that opening a theatrical agency isn't very glamorous,

but what I want is an agency with the most prestigious clients.

But why me? I've never negotiated a theatrical deal.

Well, every time I describe what I'm looking for -

someone with a personal stature and important theatrical contacts,

your name comes up.

It's very flattering. I've never...

FANNY: Oh, Nick! Nick, come look!

There's a rabbit chasing two dogs out on the lawn.

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to come barging in.

Darling, I'm glad you did. This is Mr Renaldi,

who seems to be making me an offer.

Oh, well, if it's a big fat offer, it is my pleasure! Mr...?

Renaldi, and it's my pleasure, Mrs Arnstein.

Darling, Mr Renaldi is opening a new theatrical agency

and he wants me to go with him.

Well, hey, there's a new idea.

At first, I thought he was just trying to get to you.

But he knows you're with another agency,

so it appears he wants me for myself!

Oh, well, I think he'd make one hell of an agent, Mr Renaldi.

- So do I. - After all, I've been a gambler,

- a salesman, a promoter... - A charmer.

Here's the best part, darling -

Mr Renaldi's offering me a full partnership...

..without a penny of my investment.

As I've said, I've got the money.

What I need from you is... well, that air of distinction

you'd bring to the enterprise.

- Nothing but my air of distinction? - That's the offer.

That's very generous.

Too generous. I...

Fanny, how much money did you put into the agency?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Twenty grand.

Bargain! After the 68 I lost the last time.

Well, good day, Mr Renaldi.

I'm sorry your afternoon was wasted.

Yeah, go. I'm sorry.

Well, you can't blame a girl for trying.

- Oh, Nick, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - You promised.

You promised and you did it again.

But I just think with the right break you can do anything!

I'm not a child! You can't just pay the babysitter to keep me busy.

- No, I'm just trying to help. - I don't want it.

- You can't help like that! - Sorry.

Just leave it alone.

Sorry. The car is here. It's time to leave for the theatre.

FANNY: Thank you.

- Nick, I'm sorry. It wasn't... - Go. You're late for your show.

It's all right.

It's fine, it's fine. It'll be fine.

Go.

# Deal Nicky, cut Nicky, roll

# You're pretty far in the hole

# This time we play with my deck

# Out of my way, it's my neck. #

Beekman four, one, one, nine. Tom Blackton.

Blackie, Nicky Arnstein here.

Good, Good.

Listen, are you still trying to peddle

that fancy barn deal of yours?

'Cause I'm in a listening mood these days.

Risky?

It doesn't bother me so long as it's profitable.

I'll need 68,000 in advance.

Well, let's just put it this way,

I get the 68,000, risk or no risk, you get me.

Good, I'll be there.

# I wonder, I wonder

# What do happy people do? #

Oh, cute number! Okay, so what do I do?

What do you do?

You know, what's my angle, the Fanny Brice angle?

- You wanna try it with an accent? - No, I done it with an accent.

- You could do it like a klutz. - I always walk like a klutz.

Come on, Eddie, help me! What do happy people do?

I don't know what they do, but when I'm done with you...

I drink!

Genius! Okay, give me a bottle, all right?

I'm gonna stumble around the girls like this. Look, look at that.

They can catch me in the middle like that.

Or maybe I come here.

(BELCHES) Too much? Sorry.

(LAUGHS)

- # I wonder, I wonder... # - They go that way

I'll go this way. # I wonder, I wonder... #

Oh, my God, I got it.

Watch, watch, watch. Whoa!

(CHORUS SQUEALS)

- Eddie! - I love it! Ah, that's going in!

- Are you okay? - A bit of warning next time!

Thanks a lot, ladies!

Flo's gonna love that. Good job, girls.

- Fanny? - Oh, hey, Momma!

What?

Which one is it, Nick or the baby?

He's in jail, Fanny, charged with embezzlement.

That barn deal Nick was working on, turns out it was all phoney.

What?

No, Nick's too smart for that. I'll call my lawyer.

Nick's got a lawyer. He called Bill Fallon.

Bill Fallon's a criminal lawyer.

- Embezzlement's a criminal charge. - It doesn't look too good, honey.

Fallon advised him to give himself up.

- What? No! Then he'll look guilty! - He already did.

How do you know all this and I don't? Why hasn't he come to me?

He's humiliated, Fanny. He can't face you.

Well, I gotta see him.

I gotta tell him that there's nothing to be ashamed of!

How do you know?

You haven't even asked if he's guilty.

Oh, Momma, come on!

What, you surely don't think he went into this

knowing it was crooked?

He did, Fanny. He knew.

No!

I don't believe you. Why would he do something like that?

- Money. - We don't need money, Momma.

He did. He needed his own money!

What you're doing to him, you and your handouts,

you're choking him,

just as sure as putting your hands around his neck!

You don't know what you're talking about.

Your father charmed his way into any job he fancied,

but could he keep one? What did I care?

I had the saloon, so whatever he did to me, who cared?

I had him and that's what I wanted

and to me, the foolishness he got into didn't matter.

But, Fanny, a man wants to matter.

You can't make someone feel that small.

No, I didn't do it to make him feel small!

No, you did it because you loved him, I know!

You should have loved him less and respected him more.

- What? - You should have let him be a man,

- just a man like any other. - No, he's not like other men.

I don't want him to be. I love Nick Arnstein exactly the way he is!

And what is that? What have you turned him into? An embezzler!

- Momma! - I'm sorry. It had to be said!

I have to make you see.

Well, did the lawyer say how long he could get?

- Eighteen months... - No, no.

..with luck. (SHE SOBS)

Call me, Dolly.

Anything.

Call me.

Goodbye, Eddie.

Well, go on. Go on, I bet you're dying to say "I told you so!"

- You wanna cancel the show tonight? - No.

This is sure to make the evening papers.

Well, they won't tell the truth! (CHUCKLES RUEFULLY)

Not one of them will say Nick Arnstein

was an honest man until he married me.

Anyway, I'd better get used to the publicity.

It'll be all over the papers every time I...visit him in prison.

He should have thought about that before he did this to you.

Eddie, you have no idea what that man has done for me!

Just go away, kid, huh? (SOBS)

I'm sorry.

# I add two and two

# The most simple addition

# Then swear that the figures are lying

# I'm a much better comic

# Than mathematician

# 'Cause I'm better on stage

# Than at intermission

# And as far as the man is concerned

# If I've been burned

# I haven't learned

# I know he's around

# When the sky and the ground started ringing

# I know when he's near

# By the thunder I hear in advance

# His words and his words alone

# Are the words that can start my heart singing

# 'Cause his is the only music

# That makes me dance

# He'll sleep and he'll rise

# In the light of two eyes that adore him

# Bore him they might

# But he won't leave my sight for a glance

# In ev'ry way, ev'ry day

# I need less of myself

# I need more him

# More him

# 'Cause his is the only music

# That makes me dance

# In ev'ry way, ev'ry day

# I need less of myself

# I need more him

# More him

# 'Cause his is the only music

# That makes me dance

# 'Cause his is the only music

# That makes me dance. #

(SHE LAUGHS)

(SHE LAUGHS GENTLY)

There.

Brushed and good as new.

Good.

Have you been sitting here this whole time?

Yeah, just adding up the score, doing the math.

Well, did you get the right answer?

- Yeah, I hope so. - Okay.

Oh, will you see Mr Ziegfeld? He is outside, hmm?

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, I forgot!

Flo, I'm sorry, come in. Sorry.

- Well, this is the big day. - Yeah.

Coming out of prison after a year and a half,

I'd say that's a pretty big day!

- Excited? - Don't ask. (LAUGHS)

And you haven't been up to see him lately?

Uh...well, I went at first.

But, um, well, he didn't really want me there

and, you know, he's the boss.

- Any word today? - No, not yet.

- Five minutes, please. - Thanks, John.

- I'd better let you dress. - Oh, look...

I mean what I say when I say he's the boss, okay?

Whatever he wants from now on, it is gonna be his way,

and if that means me giving up the theatre,

well, then I hope you'll be a sport about it.

Well, I won't be.

Why don't we worry about that when you give your notice?

Okay.

Be happy, dear.

Come on, stop this.

(SNIFFLES) Right!

- You ready for this? - I got it!

- Okay. I'll go set your props. - Thanks, Em.

Okay.

(GASPS)

Nick!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God!

You must be that guy I met at Keeney's.

You must be that funny girl.

Have you seen the baby yet?

No, I came straight here.

Oh, Nick, she is gorgeous!

She is getting to look just like you.

Who says I'm not lucky?

Oh, gosh, I feel like a kid on a blind date.

Are you as scared as I am?

More, because there's something I have to say to you, Fanny.

- Yeah. - I've had 18 months to think.

Oh, okay, let me stop you there, Nick,

because I've had the same 18 months,

and I know now, I know that

much of what went wrong was my fault,

all those stupid mistakes I made, but, listen, I can change.

- I can and I will. - Hey, darling.

Darling, I'm sorry, honey,

I don't think either one of us can really change.

I can't.

We've done each other enough damage.

Let's call it all off before we hurt each other any more.

Wow.

I mean, wow!

Boy, am I glad you stopped me.

You should have heard the rest of the speech.

I've been rehearsing it for weeks! (LAUGHS)

I was gonna say almost exactly the same thing

if I could word things like you.

- Fanny, I really think... - No, no, no, honestly,

I was just saying what I thought I ought to say,

- but I do, I feel the same way. - Do you really mean that?

Yeah, of course.

I'm just glad we don't have to be tragic about it, you know?

If we both feel the same way, then why's it be tragic?

We had an awfully lot of good times.

You did a lot for me, Nick, that's what I remember.

What did I ever do for you, darling?

What did I ever get you you couldn't get yourself?

Well, a blue marble egg.

No one ever got me that but you.

And...

Well, you made me feel sort of beautiful, you know.

You ARE beautiful.

There are a lot of people out there waiting for you.

Goodbye, Fanny.

(SHE SOBS)

(MUSIC STARTS)

# Funny

# Did you hear that?

# Funny

# Yeah, the guy said

# "Honey"

# "You're a funny girl"

# That's me I just... #

(SNIFFS) # Keep them

# In stitches

# Doubled in half

# And though I may be

# All wrong for the guy

# I'm good for a laugh

# I guess it's not funny

# Life is far from sunny

# When the laugh is over

# And the joke's on you

# A girl oughta have a sense of humour

# That's one thing she really needs for sure

# When you're a funny girl

# The fella said

# A funny girl

# Funny

# How it ain't so funny

(SIGHS)

# Funny girl. #

- Places, Miss Brice. - Thank you. Thank you.

I marched my band out.

I beat my drum.

(SOBS)

I guess we didn't make it.

At least I didn't fake it.

# Who is

# The pip with pizazz?

# Who is all ginger and jazz?

# Who is as glamorous as?

# Who's an American beauty rose?

# With an American beauty nose?

# And ten American beauty toes?

# Eyes on the target and wham!

# One shot, one gunshot, and bam! #

Hey, gorgeous!

# Here we go

# Again

# Well, here it goes, kid

# No looking back

# Stiff upper nose, kid

# Let's give them hell, Brice We'll cry a little later

# Well, Brice That's life in the theatre

# Get ready for me, world 'Cause I'm a comer

# I simply gotta march My heart's a drummer

# Nobody, no nobody

# Is gonna rain on my... #

(LAUGHS)

# Parade. #

Yeah!

(MUSIC STOPS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS)

(MUSICAL REPRISE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(THUNDEROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

ALL: # People who need people

# Are the luckiest people

# In the world. #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLING)

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(CHEERING)

(MUSICAL REPRISE)