Original subtitles

What is gout?

Are you a 15th century British monarch?

No.

You don't have it.

Hmm.

God, there's like 5,000 questions.

You're a city employee now.

Half your life is gonna be paperwork, congrats.

Hey, is it okay if I put you down as my emergency contact?

Well, since I'm the guy most likely to harm you,

it seems like a conflict of interest.

Truck 12.

Resident reporting problem with rabbits.

907 Maple Lane.

Question, have subjects been observed as... wascaly?

Are you going or not?

Yes. We'll hop right on over.

That's it, get out.

What?

We talked about this,

two lame jokes before coffee, get out.

Wait, really? You were serious about that?

As a heart attack.

Hey. Come on.

You're taking this too far, Frank.

You can come back! I learned my lesson!

No jokes before coffee!

Resync By M_I_S www.opensubtitles.org

So, I've been micro-dosing mushrooms for anxiety

but my rabbits have gotten into my special chocolate bars.

Oh, that was faster than I thought.

This gentleman's bunnies ate his drugs.

They've been acting really aggressive.

They look pretty chill to me.

Yeah, but in a circling the wagon conspiratorial sort of way.

Look at them. Plotting something evil.

Okay. So the rabbits are handling their high

better than their owner,

but sure, we'll take them in for observation.

Hey hippies! Sorry, summer of love is over.

Time to sleep it off downtown.

What is happening?

Hey! Ow!

Jeez! My God! Come on! Ow!

Retreat, retreat! Jeez!

I told you, they're in a very bad headspace.

What the hell did you put in that chocolate?

I used to be a cop.

I busted international crime rings.

And I'm getting...

- Hey. - I thought you were brave.

You guys know about this taco truck up the street?

The breakfast burritos... four stars.

What's up with the first-aid kit?

It's, uh, killer bunnies on recreational drugs, bro.

Really? What kind?

You know, like, basic, floppy-eared, fluffy.

No, no, the drugs. What kinds of drugs?

It's like psychedelic mushrooms.

The homeowner makes his own chocolates.

Really? Did he mention if it was straight

or if it was cut with purity-tested MDMA?

Did he mention that?

Look, this isn't Bonnaroo.

These rabbits are higher than my uncle at Thanksgiving

and they're calling the shots.

Everybody relax, okay? I got a couple rabbits at home.

I speak fluent bunny.

I mean, you might wanna film this.

Could be a valuable teaching tool.

Hey guys. How are you doing?

You know I have two rabbits at home, Snowball and Batman.

Yeah, we let the kids name them.

And they are just as cute and adorable...

as you, uh-huh.

That Phyllis, she's the mama.

Oh, aren't you a little love muffin?

Oh! Get off me, you mangy bitch!

Hey Shred, you're always trying to be smarter.

Look up "hoisted on one's own petard"

and it will literally be a picture of this.

Argh!!!

Uh, should we call for backup?

Bunny backup?

Dude, do you have any idea of the ridicule

that will come our way?

No. We got this.

Cuddle time is over.

Hey. So, we're gonna need to collect the medicated chocolate

for our vet so she can calibrate an overdose treatment.

Right, of course. Anything to help.

And, um, look,

I know I shouldn't be messing around with drugs.

I'm gonna turn over a new leaf right now.

Yeah. Drugs are bad.

Uh, make sure you get all of them.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

No, I'm not. Not even a little bit.

I suspect his bars contain psilocybin and 2CB.

That combination is known to give you orgasms

and make you feel like you've been launched into outer space.

And rabbits have no business experiencing pleasure like that.

Okay. Just remember,

you promised to watch the kids this weekend, okay?

And they're very excited,

they picked out a movie and everything, Freaky Friday.

It's a silly premise

but, uh, the emotion really sneaks up on you.

- Yeah. I... - It does.

- I will be there. - Okay.

The chocolates are for tonight.

Do you remember that guy I met in Costa Rica?

Yeah. The... the yogi or the surfer?

The yogi.

So, he's in town, but he's only free for one night.

Mmhmm.

He's really flexible. Just, like... not with his time.

Right.

Anyway, what are you guys up to for your big date?

Oh, we're actually gonna go eat Swedish meatballs at Ikea.

And test out futons.

I know it sounds pathetic but I'm actually really excited.

Maya and I, we haven't been alone together in, like, months.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Don't be insulted but I'm so glad I don't have your life.

Well, you're tempting fate 'cause we could end up

accidentally eating magic fortune cookies

and end up switching places.

Is that what happens in the movie?

I don't wanna ruin it for you.

You just did like... like you told me the ending.

Maybe I didn't though.

- Or maybe I did. - Huh.

Oh, at least it's donut Wednesday.

What abomination is this?

Who's day is it? I want answers.

I want revenge.

Okay. But is it okay if I have some jicama?

'Cause I love jicama.

No. I want revenge. Shout it with me.

- Revenge! - Revenge!

Revenge!

You make it sound playful. Put some fury behind it.

- Revenge! - Revenge!

- Revenge! - Revenge!

Revenge!

Shh! I'm on the phone with my daughter's teacher.

There's been a horrible accident,

I gotta call you back.

Revenge.

- Revenge! - Revenge!

- Revenge! - Revenge!

Okay, I proudly take responsibility.

Donut Wednesday, Delores. It's a sacred tradition.

Handed down to us by the Romans.

You defiled this holy tabernacle with your cru d'été.

This is our tabernacle, Delores.

Okay. This office has a serious case

of the late morning sugar blues

and someone had to intervene.

How dare you act unilaterally.

It's America. It's donuts.

Shred, throw that away.

- Oh, come on. - Throw it away.

It's just a jicama stick.

Throw it away. Spit it out.

This is very disappointing.

How's my favorite under-performing precinct doing?

Oh, you sad, sad man.

You drove across town just to make fun of us for the rabbits.

What rabbits? I didn't hear anything about rabbits.

Ha! Because there were no rabbits.

Hey Emily. Got your speech ready?

Who told you about that?

She's giving the keynote at the AACL luncheon today.

Whoa. I don't know what it stands for but congrats.

Why didn't you tell us?

I... I just get a little nervous

so I just wanted to keep it under the radar.

That's why I'm here.

I spoke last year and, whoo... stressful.

And I know how much you hate public speaking, so...

Yeah, but I've been practicing so I think I'll be good.

Of course.

No worry, it's just a couple hundred people in the audience.

- And, uh... - Uh-huh.

They film it and post it on their website

and it's up there forever.

So, nobody looks at it. Yes, they do.

I watched your speech, Templeton.

- Several times, so funny. - Big fan.

What kind of truck does a pig drive?

A hambulance.

Ah, that line killed.

Anyway, uh, happy to step in for you

and I promise you the audience will not be disappointed.

Thank you so much.

Uh, but shouldn't you be on patrol or something?

Heading out now.

Oh! What's that?

Looks like I have an email that is stuck in my outbox.

Boom!

Fixed it. Enjoy.

A gleefully vindictive message from Officer Templeton Dutch.

That jerk got a hold of our body-cam footage.

Oh, he did know about the rabbits.

Ugh.

Look at you guys running away

from the li'l rabbits!

We were regrouping!

Are you... are you... are you kidding me?!

What... what are these, green peppers?!

Okay. I support healthy choices, Delores,

but it is donut Wednesday.

I am stressed and I need sugar so you need to fix this.

Revenge!

Revenge!

Hey. Hey.

Try not to let Templeton get in your head.

Oh yeah, uh, too late. Uh, he is... he is in there.

Okay, listen.

I used to get really nervous before big competitions.

Like, it got bad.

So I remember my coach hooked me up with this sports psychologist

who gave me some cool relaxation techniques.

If you wanna try.

Okay.

- Yeah? - Yeah, okay.

'Cause my heart is um... really pounding.

Okay. Um, so, close your eyes.

Yeah.

Take a deep breath and imagine yourself on a mountain.

Now, you're about to start a race

against this big-ass Swiss dude.

Wait. No. Sorry.

Visualize yourself giving the speech.

Confident, calm, looking super fly in your business suit

and the crowd is loving it.

They're chanting your name. Emily! Emily! Emily!

Well, it's a professional conference

so there's not really a whole lot of chanting.

No chanting?

- No. - That's too bad.

Okay. Then just visualize yourself

absolutely crushing the speech.

Okay.

How's your heart rate?

It is actually better.

You're gonna medal for sure.

Oh, um... remind me.

In my outfit you said I looked, um...

Super fly.

Super fly. Right, okay.

Okay. Only one big question left.

Who's going to step up and be my emergency contact?

Don't you have family you can ask?

My dad died and my mom moved to Florida.

But she's got a sweet condo on the beach

and she says any time I wanna bring down my emergency contact

for a little sand and sea, she has a room waiting.

Oh. Well, I hope you and that guy without boundaries

have fun with your mom.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Guys, who ate one of my chocolate bars?

There were three and now there's two.

And they were hidden way at the back

with my frickin' name on it.

If your name's on it, that's sacrosanct.

You can look that word up, Shred.

Sacrosanct...

Although I did eat Patel's ice cream bar.

What? I was saving that for my end of the week treat!

Oh, you were intolerable yesterday.

It demanded a response.

Why? Because I said the Mariners don't have a shot this year?

Say it again and you can kiss your tuna sandwich goodbye.

The Mariners don't have a shot this year.

Oh, that tuna sandwich is gonna taste...

The Mariners don't have a shot.

The Mariners don't have a shot...

Okay, I think we're done here.

I need to know who ate my chocolate bar.

Shred, check the waste baskets now.

Thanks. Great.

Uh, those chocolate bars were laced

with high-grade hallucinogenics.

Have you seen double rainbow?

Someone's about to be 10 times more like that guy

than that guy was.

Hey. Did Emily make it back?

Uh... I'm not sure.

I was gonna give her a ride

but she ran off after her presentation.

Um... can this wait?

It's just, we're in the middle of a bit of a crisis.

It's just weird because her speech went so well.

She was funny, talking off the cuff...

she even sang at one point.

Oh God.

Emily ate the chocolate.

All of it?

It looks that way, yeah.

Code red.

My thin mints are missing, gone without a trace.

She's binging.

Actually, I threw the cookies out.

You'll thank me later.

Actually, I will not thank you. I will not thank you, Delores!

I want my own refrigerator. 'Kay?

Delores, I want my own refrigerator!

So, who's your emergency contact?

My father.

Aww, I didn't know you were close with your dad.

We're not. I hate that son of a bitch.

Then why did you choose him?

Well, if something happens to me, he's on the hook.

With any luck,

I'll be a vegetable requiring 24-hour care.

That makes me sad, bro. My dad was my best friend.

Yeah, of course he was.

My only regret is I never got to tell him

how much he meant to me.

I mean, he probably knew because I told him

I loved him every day.

Except when my phone died,

which happened a lot when I was competing in Europe

'cause I didn't have the right plugs.

Point is... don't leave things unsaid.

Call your dad.

You know, they make those three-in-one adapters.

They have for years.

Really?

Now I have two regrets.

Truck 12. Pet python escaped its enclosure.

7276 South Kenwood.

And get this. It's JT Wallace's house.

Holy crap. JT Wallace.

Oh, who's that?

Are you serious?

The wide receiver for the Seahawks?

In what world could I have been your emergency contact?

Get out.

What, really? We're doing this again?

I'm not... I can't even look at you.

Don't look at me!

How the hell are we gonna find her?

I don't know.

It's just like looking for someone's lost mutt.

Oh, so we put out some beef strips and stand behind a bush?

I know you're kidding but do you have beef strips?

Everything I was gonna eat today

got senselessly ripped away from me.

No. I don't eat gassy foods on sex days.

Ooh, how's it going with the yogi by the way?

Do you like him?

As a person?

He's done so much healing

he's healed himself right out of an actual personality.

But in bed, and I say this as someone

with a sufficiently large sample pool,

- Mmmhmm. - Uh, he's detail-oriented.

Hmm.

I used to be detail-oriented.

That was before I was tired all the time.

Maybe you should try some of this.

- No. - I'll give you a little.

No. I can't eat that.

Yes, you can. Give it a shot.

It makes everything feel amazing

and you're not really doing anything different.

It's almost like cheating.

My life's not built for that.

Every night I'm taking a kid to the ER.

Or talking another one down from a nightmare.

Last night it was global warming.

I can't discuss polar ice caps all high and horny.

Oh, my God. Is that Emily?

Emily! Emily! Emily! Emily!

Even Seahawk colors.

Sheesh. You almost beat me.

Yeah. Asher knows all the shortcuts.

Hey, good luck with your girlfriend, buddy.

I sincerely hope everything works out.

Thank God you're here. Hurry!

He was cleaning the cage.

Holy crap.

It's huge.

Frank, have you ever dealt with something like this before?

No. And I can't tell you how much,

but something that's not nothing just slipped out of me

and into my underwear.

It's getting tighter.

Just remain calm, we're gonna unwind it from you.

Shred, grab the head.

I'm not grabbing the head, man. It's scary and gross.

The Seahawks have a very shallow depth chart,

now grab the head.

I'm not touching that thing.

I was led to believe this job was mostly dogs.

Help him!

This thing is super strong. Grab something, Shred.

Okay. But I'm closing my eyes.

Is this a bad time to tell you that I'm a big fan?

Yes.

Okay. Well, it would just seem phony

if I didn't say anything, right?

Listen, man, you get this thing off me,

I'll sign anything you want.

Really? How about a football?

- Yes. - How about a jersey?

- Yes. - A helmet?

Yes.

What about one of those breast cancer awareness hats-

- Anything! - That are collectible.

Yeah. I thought I was gonna die.

Okay, yeah, yeah...

Oh, my God. It's on me now.

If I don't make it... beat the Rams.

Oh, my god.

Emily! Hey! How's it going, girl?

Oh, man. You are really good out there.

What'd you play in high school?

- Yeah. - What are you guys doing here?

Uh, we, we just, uh...

we just came to take you back to the office.

To the office.

Oh. No. I'm not going back.

Yeah. I'm... I'm never going back.

Bye!

Oh, I hate running.

- Emily! Emily! - Emily!!

My god, she's out of control.

Hello! Emily! Slow down! Stop guys!

Guys, guys, stop her!

Whoo! My whole body's buzzing.

I've never felt more alive!

Dude, that snake had plans for you.

A brush with death

and an encounter with a world-class athlete.

Okay. That's obviously a little bit hurtful.

I came in 7th at Pyeongchang but I know it's a niche sport.

Listen, don't get needy but you were pretty good back there.

Really?

You're already being needy.

I won't say another word. Except that after this,

I can't imagine being in battle with anyone else.

Snake brothers forever!

Oh, 100 percent did this to myself.

- Again? - Give me those forms.

- What? What did I do? - Give me those forms.

- You'll be my emergency contact? - Give them to me.

Don't get hurt 'cause I'm pulling the plug for anything.

Ooooh!

Alright!

Whoo!

Whoo!

I'm finally coming out of my cocoon!

You're high on drugs!

No, I'm high on life!

Life can't do that, that's why we have drugs.

- Ah! - Yes!

No, No.

Oh, here we go.

I mean, I went to Vienna once

but I mostly just stayed in the hotel.

Like, what was I afraid of?

Mmhmm. I can't do this anymore.

I am afraid of so many things.

What does that mean?

You can go.

This is my fault anyway

and I've done this, like, a hundred times.

Listen, if you need anything, anything at all,

just don't call me.

Bye Emily.

Oh, bye-whoa, you have gorgeous teeth.

Thank you. Okay.

Wait. Did you know I can name every country in South America?

No, I didn't.

- Okay. Um, I can. - Okay.

- Venezuela. - Yeah.

- Ecuador. - I deserve this.

Colombia, Paraguay.

Oh, look what the cat dragged in.

It's nice to see you too, Dad.

Look, um... I had a near-death experience today

and, I don't know, I don't wanna die with things left unsaid.

I'm listening.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know

that you're a terrible father

who never had my back and I want you to rot in hell.

So that's it. Those are the two items.

Well look, uh... you came this far,

at least come in and have a beer.

Did you just hear what I said?

Yeah. Bad father and, uh... the rotting thing.

You want a beer or not?

What kind you got?

Rainier. I've been drinking the same beer since I was 12.

You too good for Rainier now?

I've always been too good for Rainier.

What are you, like, 100 now?

French Guyana. Regular Guyana. Chile.

Argentina.

Hang on, I have to get that.

Wait. No, please don't leave me.

No, you'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Eat your cereal.

Sorry, I don't have any milk. I know it's dry.

Hi.

I'm so happy to see you.

Yeah, you too.

As a tantric exercise

I've abstained from sex for three months.

I intend to focus all that stored-up energy on you.

[Emily] Suriname! I forgot Suriname.

- Uh... - Who's that?

Is she going to participate or... just watch?

No. There was an office fridge mix up

and now she's in another dimension.

Uh... I'm gonna have to stay here and take care of her.

But when she comes down I could text you.

Three months is a really long time

and I have a few other friends in Seattle.

But I'll be back in August.

Bye Victoria.

'Kay. Bye. Cool.

- Can I tell you something? - Yeah. Of course.

I only got my job

because of connections in the mayor's office, so...

I don't deserve it, I'm a fraud.

That's not true. That's the drugs talking.

Everyone thinks you're great.

- Really? - Yeah. You're great.

You're my best friend.

Oh, okay. That's... that's really nice.

Hang on.

Hello?

Oh, you were right.

These chocolates are a game-changer.

Maya called her mom, she picked up the kids,

we got the whole night to ourselves.

Wait. Are you seriously calling me post sex?

Yeah, post. Pre. Pre-pre.

You never know.

Oh, Victoria, you're gonna need to hold me.

I'm starting to panic about climate change.

Oh, my God. We ate the fortune cookies.

Oh, and they were mighty delicious.

Freaky Friday baby!

♪ Always count on me -Oh boy.

Hello Mister Mayor.

♪ Keep turning, oh, keep smiling, ♪

♪ knowing you can always count on me. ♪

♪ Everybody! For sure! ♪

Oh, I'm going really, really wide with this.

♪ That's what friends are for.

Adopt these dogs!