All language subtitles for Abbott.Elementary.S02E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10 eng

Has anyone seen the other half
of my tuna melt?

I was gonna eat it
for dinner.

- It's not in the fridge?
- No. It was,

but now it's filled
with these eye masks?

Don't touch those. They're
for my next shipment
for my customers.

Those bad boys stay cool
for 11 hours on the face.

And that's the
Ava "Cold-man" guarantee.

Well,
where's my sandwich?

Over on the window sill with
the milk and the mayonnaise.

Oh.

How long has it been
sitting in the sun?

I don't know.
I'm not a weatherman.

Janine, I've told you
my Zimbabwe tapeworm story

enough times for you to know
not to eat that, right?

Jacob, you can just say
"tapeworm story."

We know where you were.

Well, good, 'cause
it's relevant to the story.

Hey, Ava!

Thanks for using
all the printer paper

- to make your dumb fliers.
- Don't thank me.

Thank the trees that
laid down their lives.

They're the heroes.

Ava Cold-man's Pop Out Pop-Up:
The Mask Stays On?

The hell even is this?
A-Another pyramid scheme?

It's only a scheme if you're
at the bottom of the pyramid,

and obviously...
I'm a top.

They're for my launch party.
The future is eye masks.

The future is gonna be unemployment

if you don't quit
scamming the school.

I mean, at least
replace the paper.

I had to print a test
for my kids for tomorrow.

All y'all do is complain.
Damn!

"Ava hogging the refrigerator.
Ava used all the printer paper.

Ava forgot to sign
our paychecks last week."

You forgot to sign
our paychecks?!

Yes! Why do I have to
say things twice?

Look, you teachers only have
one class to worry about.

I have a whole school.
Do you ever hear me complain?

- Literally all the time.
- And I deserve to.

My job is really hard.

I don't see any of y'all
trying to be principal!

You know what?

This is actually
pretty good.

The sun heated it up for me.
Nature's microwave.

"Eye mask smelled like old
fridge and stale condiments,

but I'll still buy again."

Okay. I'll take that.

Ugh.

"Reduced puffiness."

I'm about to retire
from this bitch.

Ugh!

"Gave me freezer burn."

Must be user error.

What do you want?
I'm not doing jury duty.

Ava, it's Janine. Do you not
have my number saved?

Of course not.
What if I meet a better Janine?

Okay, look, I might be
a little bit late.

That tuna melt you left out,
it's, um, not sitting well.

Get to the point, Janine.
Wrap it up!

Oh, God. Please don't do that
with your phone.

Ohh.

Well, sounds like
you got it all out.

I'll see you in an hour. Oh, no. Wait.

I think, um--
I think I might, uh--

I don't think I'm gonna
be able to come in today.

So dramatic.
Next time, start with that.

Look, I have a binder
I keep for subs. It has ev--

Venus, call in a sub
for Ms. Teagues' class.

Preferably male.
6'2", 6'3" in boots.

A Gregory Eddie type.
Headshots if you got 'em.

Ava, there's a county-wide
sub shortage.

It was in the memo
the district sent last week.

What?
I have no record of that.

It says, "Attention
Principal Coleman.

Urgent. Must Read."They all say that.

This one says you should have
a backup plan!

Well, I hope you have a backup
plan talking to me like that,

'cause you're fired.

She fires me once a week.

It's so quiet, you can hear
the fluorescent lights.

It is such
a magical morning.

- You could hear a wig drop.
- Hm.

Janine has food poisoning!

- Ah. And there it is.
- That's it.

That's why it's so quiet
in here.
Uh-huh.

I mean, that's so sad
about Janine.

I know.

Oh, hey, Tasha.

Hey. Just wanna sit here
and decompress, you know?

Rough ride in?
No.

I just-- you know,
I used to love sitting here

until a certain Cathy got a
little too chatty for my tastes.

Well.[ Chuckles ] Well, "Cathy" is
a hilarious comic strip,

and Janine is
a hilarious coworker.

I think the word "hilarious"
is doing a lot of work

in that sentence.

Okay, guys, guys.

Janine puts gas in
the conversation tank, okay?

She-- She starts
the dialogue engine.

Well, I like to live my life
by the acronym WAIT--

Why Am I Talking?

Yes.

Yeah!

See, I wish my boyfriend
lived by that during the game.

I'd quit chucking the remote
at his head.

What?

Hey, girl. I know the last time
you subbed at Abbott

somebody stole your Invisalign,
but we are desperate.

Can you come in?

I'm already here.

For Mr. Morton.

Then why am I using
my minutes on you?!

Get off the phone!
Teach your class!

Morning.
Take your jackets off.

I need to borrow Ashley
to sub for the day.

Oh, she's already covering
for Ms. McGuinness.

But I don't think Ashley knows
what geometry is.

I saw her in the hallway
with a bunch of rocks.

Agh!

Hey,
I don't know your name,

but it looks like you don't
have a class right now,

so I'm gonna need you
to cover for Ms. Teagues.

Ava, that's my student.

I don't know what AAU coach
lied to you,

but this is a grown-ass--
Damn it!

Mr. Johnson,
we need you to sub again.

And this time, don't tell them
that there's a colony of

lizard people living
underneath the Denver Airport.

I thought we were here
to educate.

But I can't sub.
Janitorial emergency.

Mr. Johnson:
The emergency is...

I don't feel like it right now.

I feel a lot better, actually.

Yeah, I've calmed down
the tuna sweats,

and I managed to get
my work clothes on.

Most of them.

I have never missed
a day of work.

Even when Tariq gave me
a migraine from playing

"Call of Duty" for 48 hours
straight, I still went in.

He said that
if the good guys do nothing,

then the terrorists win.

My kids have
a spelling test today.

It's gonna take a lot more than
a bacteria sandwich to stop me.

Okay. Stomach's just
a little bit rumbly still.

No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no. Mnh.

Could you just turn the cameras
off for a little bit, please?

Thank you!

Okay. Red and yellow
make what color, class?

Hi, Trinity!

What are you doing
out of class?

We have recess now.
Can Jason come play?

It's 8:30. Who said
you could have recess?

Janine,
your kids are--

My eyes are up here,
Mr. Eddie.

I was expecting, uh...

I've played out this very
scenario in my head many times.

Okay, y'all. I get it.
Ms. Teagues is gone today,

and we are all
very excited about that,

but you have got
to stay in this room.

Other than that,
do whatever you do.

You don't bother me,
and I won't bother you.

Filling in for Ms. Teagues?

It's no Christopher Wallace.
No Biggie.

Can we have
some stickers?

What do I care?
Go nuts.

Need anything else,
ask each other.

It takes a village
and whatnot.

Yes!

Why y'all
following me?

That's the story time chair.

Well, now it's the chair
I'm using to hack into
Chet Hanks' Instagram.

You know he don't have
two-step verification.

What about
this book?

No! This one!

How about y'all read
whatever you want, alone?

Who is it?

Just create my contact.

Ugh.
What do you want?

Look, Gregory texted that
you were covering for me,

but I'm pretty sure
the medicine is just making me

hallucinate that, right?

No, Janine, once again
I am your savior.

Your kids are acting
really weird, by the way.

They've been hanging
around you too much.

Listen to me
very carefully.

In the bottom drawer
of my desk

is a binder I made
in case I need a sub.

It has everything you need
to get through the day.

Just follow
the binder, Ava.
Uh-huh.

And it's Friday, so you've gotta
give them their spelling test.

Promise me you will
give them that test, Ava.

Okay. I get it.
If it happens, it happens.

And if it doesn't, you'll
just do it when you get back.

No, no, no, no.
They're expecting it today.

They studied for it.
It's all printed out.

All you have to do
is help them through it.

Just remember, everything
you need is in the binder,

and you can just call me
if you need anything.

I don't have your number.

Ava--

So, I just gave up
on finding it.

- It's not my problem.
- Amen to that.

Even the good Lord rested
on the seventh day.

And you know what?
Giving up is underrated.

Tanking is how the Sixers
got Joel Embiid.

Ow!

Of course
our coffee maker leaks.

You know,
if Janine was here,

she would not only fix
that coffee maker,

she'd give you aloe
for the burn.

Yeah, and then we'd
have to have 17 meetings

so we could discuss how
getting burnt made us feel.

Hm!

And then, before
she'd fix the problem,

she would find five more...
and make it worse.

Yes.

Wow, excuse her
for reaching for solutions.

Ah.
Here's my solution--

Sounds like
a Mr. Johnson problem.

This girl gets it.

Tasha, we were thinking about
going out for lunch today.

Would you like
to join us?

Uh, okay.

Alright, then.

I don't like it.

She comes in here.
She sits in Janine's spot.

I mean, that's just, like,
spitting in the face

of teacher code.

Oh, and then, all of a sudden,

they have room for a third
at lunch?

Do you know how many times
they've told Janine

that their restaurant
refuses to seat tables of three?

"First of all, good morning."

Ugh. Shut up, Janine.

"Step one, write the date
on the board."

And get my hands all chalky? No.

"Step two, turn on the lights."

Now, what kind of idiot wouldn't
immediately turn on the...

Oh, yeah.
I was just about to do that.

Now, I was the last one in here,
so that was on y'all.

Okay. "Step three.

Play this DVD"?

Where the hell
she get this from? Blockbuster?

Hi, students.
It's me, Ms. Teagues.

And if you're watching this,
it means it's too late for me.

To come in today.

Nobody wants to see
some creepy ghost Janine

crawl through that screen.

Good Lord, Janine.

No wonder you ain't got
no friends.

Boring.

Not gonna do that.
That's dumb.

Oh! Here we go.

"Step eight,

play my creativity mix
while they draw."

Now, music I can get with.
But not these Kidz Bop beats.

♪ You said that I've been
actin' different, yeah♪

♪ Funny how I finally
flipped the script on ya♪

Alright, kids, time to take
your spelling test.

We didn't finish
story time!

You didn't even write the date
on the board!

Why do you need
to know the date?

You got a meeting later?
Use your imagination.

Just take the test.

I am never having kids.

Uh, a-alright, now, um,

everybody turn to the other side
of your math sheets.

Mr. Eddie! I can't even
hear myself think!

Yeah.

♪ Don't leave no pieces♪

Damn. More frostbite face?
That's not good.

Ava, can you turn
the music down?

Wait. It's the hook.♪ Yeah♪

♪ While I'm up cleaning♪

♪ Boy, please, ooh,
I don't need you♪

Now run along.
My kids are taking a test.

Oh, so you're actually
doing the lesson plan?

Of course I am. And I'm
making it look effortless.

Why'd you draw
- the Babadook?
- That's my mom!

You weren't supposed to
draw at all. Why didn't
you take the test?

You played music.
Music means we get to draw.

Ms. Teagues says
music enhances crea-divity.

Looks effortless.

Who's watching your kids,
Mr. Eddie?

When is Ms. Teagues
coming back?

Yeah, I miss
Ms. Teagues.

Well, Ms. Teagues thought
a soggy tuna melt

was more important than you,
so you got an upgrade.

You're not good
at this.

You know what?
I don't need this.

Insidious, you got Ms. Teagues'
phone number?

I took some medicine.

Imodium...

melatonin...

Pepto...

Bismol...

and something Erika brought back
from Mexico.

And I'm feeling better already.

I'm pretty sure "Space Jam" was
based on a true story, though,

and they just don't
want you to know.

Mmm!

I said it's non-refundable!

You need to get your ears
and eyes checked.

Uh, Ava,
what are you doing?

Damage control.
My eye masks are giving people

freezer burn,
and they're leaving bad reviews.

And you're just ditching
Janine's class?

I'm not ditching.
I'm pivoting.

Besides, those kids
are unhinged.

I'm done with teaching.
Time to throw in the towel.

And I'm the towel.

I'm your sub, Mr. Johnson.

Have any of you ever flown
into Denver Airport?

Or have a fondness for lizards
the size of humans?

Anybody?

- S-So you're just quitting?
- Mr. Johnson: Go on, now.

Quitting?
This class isn't my problem.

Did you at least get them
to retake their tests?

Who cares? They can take it
on Monday. It's just one day.

Ava, that's what I thought
when I was a sub,

that just one day
wouldn't matter, but it does.

Janine works really hard to
prepare them for these tests.

And it's important that the kids
see their progress, okay?

They're second graders.
Every day matters in school.

If not, they'll just
fall behind.

Well, falling behind
is great.

You get to walk
at your own pace

and talk
and nobody's shushing you.

Did you at least do everything
in the binder?

Damn. You know about her
little nerd binder, too?

Parts of it.
Some of it was dumb.

Like putting the date
on the board.

You didn't put the date
on the board?

It's the start of their routine.
No wonder they're unmoored.

Stop using fake words.

Ava, the date is how
they start every day.

It's important.
It's a process.

There's a reason
why we build a routine.

Each step builds
upon the last.

- Like a Beyoncé playlist.
- Sure.

You wouldn't put "Love on Top"
in front of "Church Girl."

Look, we work really hard
to build a curriculum,

and I know it's boring,
but tomorrow you can get

right back to making TikToks or
whatever else it is that you do.

But today
we need your help.

They just need you
for a few more hours...

and for you to follow everything
that's in that binder.

I hear what you're saying.
I just have one question.

Mm-hmm.

Does school end
at 2:30 or 3:00?

Let's be safe
and say 3:00.

Where are you going?
Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Why build an airport
25 miles from the city

if you aren't trying
to hide anything?

Alright, Man in Black,
I'm tappin' back in.

Now go home and tell your
parents what I taught you, kids.

It starts with you.

Okay, class.
Let's do this.

"Step one, date on board."

Why can't you just look at your
phones like normal people?

Alright.

Alright.

Come on. What are y'all doing?
Get over here. It's story time.

Amelia Bedelia?
Who wants to read about

an annoying woman that can't
follow simple instructions?

I'm not Ms. Teagues. If you
have something mean to say,

just say it.

What about Eloise?

That little girl
at the New York Plaza?

She's alright, but I got
some real Plaza stories for you.

You ever heard of
Ghostface Killah?

So, it's me and Redman.
It's nineteen ninety--

You know what? Let's save that
for another time.

Who's ready for story time?!

Come on, y'all.
This ain't some white concert.

Make some noise!

Yay!

Yes!

Alright, then.
Let's get into it.

Okay. Maybe the binder
isn't so dumb.

I really wanted to hear
the Ghostface story.

Ooh, look at us,

sneaking out in between periods
to get coffee.

- Tasha, you're on lookout.
- Yeah.

Ants!
Oh!

Oh, and their tiny little
caffeinated bodies

are headed straight
for the refrigerator.

We can't lose the fridge, Barb!
We can't lose the fridge!

Wow. Yeah.
This is a bummer.

Uh, but I don't know.

Nothing we can do
about it, right?

Well, I'm out.

Wh--

It's okay.
You can say it.

You wish Janine was here.

To do something about it.

"I absolutely love the Plaza."

Whew. That little girl's wild.

You got a dog and a turtle?
That's crazy.

Alright. Who's ready
for that spelling test?

I know that little nerd is.

Oh, dang.

I forgot they had your little
demon markings on them.

I'm gonna have to print
some new ones.

Spell in your heads.
I'll be right back.

...the colors
of the rainbow in order.

Hold on.

- Well, that didn't last long.
- Shut up.

I need you to watch my class
for five minutes.

Five minutes
or five "Ava" minutes?

Stop flirting with me.

Out of paper?

Come on!
Who used all the paper?!

Y'all gettin' this?
Most selfless person alive here.

Ms. Cold-man? Is this you?

Unless you got $14.95 and
you want the luxury of a spa

in the comfort of your home,
flip that over.

Okay, so it looks like you guys
are supposed to spell out

what's in these pictures,
so... go ahead.

Ms. Principal? I don't know
what this is a picture of.

That's a bee.

Like... the letter?

No. Like a bee.
Bzz-bzz.

Can't spell a word
with just one letter.

- What about "A"?
- What about it?

Let's sound it out.

What other letters
can go after beeee?

Oh! "B."

Happy Monday, everyone!

Oh. Hey.
How you feeling?

Oh. I am good now,
but Friday was gross.

Mm. Well, here.
It's got electrolytes in it.

It's good to stay hydrated
while you're recovering.

Oh.

- I'm glad you're okay.
- Thanks.

Whew!
It is good to be back.

Yeah, it's good
to have you back, kid.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

And we missed you.

And your...
infectious energy.

Wow. Getting food poisoning
was totally worth it.

I think I'll start ordering
my chicken medium rare.

Oh, my goodness, Tasha!

I have not seen you
in so long!

Can I join you?

I'm all done.

Okay.
I'll see you again soon.

Nothing good can last.

Guys, how long has
the coffee maker been broken?

- Oh.
- Oh.

I mean,
I'm gone for one day,

and this happens.

Don't worry.
I will fix it.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what happened
to all the eye masks?

Eye-mask game
took a turn.

If anybody asks, I have
never heard of Ava Cold-man

or any burns
that her eye masks

may or may not have
allegedly caused.

Well, thank you
for covering for me, Ava.

Did everything go okay?

Oh, yeah.
It was easy as hell.

I don't know why y'all teachers
whine so much.

Taking these to storage, Ava.
We're swimming in printer paper.

Did you order those for us?

Don't look at me
like that.

We were short,
so I got some more.

Acting like I'm not the most
responsible one in here.

Oh, and the city called.
They're gonna turn off the power

in the gym so they can fix
the fire alarm.

It was in a memo.
That's short for "memorization."

So you guys
should remember that.

Hm. No.

Just helping out a little.

Don't read too much into it.
It was mostly for me.

Just making sure I am never
put in that position again.

Substitute teaching.
Yet another doomsday scenario

Young Ava is prepped for!

What do you need?

We need to talk about
one of your products.

Ugh! Uh...

W-W-What product
are you referring to?

Ava!

Can you at least just reimburse
me for my topical gel?

I think you'll find that
the corporation responsible

for your...
unfortunate situation

has since been dissolved.

You're lucky I don't report
your little thievery.

Now get out!