Original subtitles

And it's been almost a year, okay?

It is beyond time that they reboot "Spider-Man" again.

Yeah, you're right. I love it.

But who can replace Tom Holland?

I'll tell you who-- that little magical cutie,

that Harry Potter.

- Daniel Radcliffe? - Yeah.

He's already in a franchise.

You can't just swing from franchise to franchise.

Then why do I have to see - Chris Pratt everywhere? - It's okay.

No, I want a thicc Spider-Man, like 50 Cent.

Should be Black anyways. Costume got a built-in durag.

Well, if they do go with a Black actor,

I hope they go with that Mr. Brian Austin Green.

I'm so proud of that young man and all of his success.

Uh-- Tuh-tuh-tuh!

So, there are a bunch of white celebrities

who Barbara thinks are Black.

Like, Brian Austin Green would be Brian Tyree Henry.

Ooh, I see you, little Carrie Underwood.

Good morning.

Kerry Washington.

I'm going straight home,

put on a little Millie Bobby Brown.

Bobby Brown.

No one's done more for Black actors

than Tommy Lee Jones.

James Earl Jones.

And we just let her keep thinking that.

It's easier.

And if they go with a woman,

you cannot go wrong with the splendid,

the wonderful Michelle Williams.

Mm-mm-mm!

Now, that is one talented diva.

Mm, yes. Mm-hmm.

She is arguably the third best child of Destiny.

And all the way to the Academy Awards

from "Dawson's Creek."

Oh, yes, Michelle. Mm.

So close.

Summer's supposed to be over.

Are we sure this AC is on?

Oh, it is on, but that thing is older than Mr. Johnson.

Yeah, and they both have emphysema.

This is last year's calendar.

No!

And that is why we had that up there.

Yeah, now put it back. It's a load-bearing calendar.

Maybe we can use some of the grant money to fix that.

We already decided that we were gonna use that money

for cleaning supplies.

This school is just filthy.

Are my ears burning? Huh?

Mm.

You know what?

I respect Barbara and her lil' daughter Taylor too much

to hit on you publicly.

Nice arms, though.

Me and Taylor?

Oh, um, it's-- it's fine.

It's okay.

It's a bit of an awkward situation.

You know that saying, don't, you know, where you eat?

They should also say, don't do that where her mother eats.

Okay, which one of y'all ordered this big stack

of social studies books?

Ooh! Oh, my goodness, they're only a few years old.

Oh, my God, they have Brexit!

And the Flint water crisis. And "Hamilton."

These aren't for Abbott Elementary.

They're for Addington Elementary.

Oh, the school down the street?

New books-- one of the perks

of turning into a charter school.

They went charter and went up.

From 2012 Khloé K to 2022 Khloé K like that.

Unrecognizable.

I heard they got a lot of good stuff over there.

Well, that building was made by the same World War II architect

as this one, so can't be that great.

Why don't we walk over there

and find out for ourselves during lunch?

Need to get my steps in,

and it's closer to the cheesesteak spot--

another perk.

Only like a block closer, but, yeah, let's do it.

Well, y'all have fun.

I'll be here at work, working.

What? My followers aren't gonna influence themselves.

Ooh, do y'all feel that?

That is some good AC.

They got a young Mr. Johnson.

W-- Hi.

These walls, the paint's not chipped.

- And they have color. - Do you smell that?

I don't smell anything.

Exactly.

You know what? No.

Guys, it's not that great here.

I mean, look, the ceilings are smooth.

Isn't that what floors are for?

Because they don't have asbestos.

Ah, they cheaped out on asbestos.

Look, Janine, the school's just better, alright?

You don't have to lie about it. The cops ain't askin'.

- Hey! - Tina!

Oh, what?

That's Ms. Schwartz, the teacher you replaced.

The one who kicked a student?

Oh, I don't do that anymore.

Because of therapy and anger management.

Also, at a charter school,

there's a lot less oversight in the hiring process,

so it's been pretty sweet.

Well, sweetheart, it's good to see you,

and the school is wonderful.

Yeah. Are those my books?

Oh, yeah. Ohh!

I've been kicking myself for losing them.

Something funny?

No.

You guys want a little tour?

Yes. Okay, so...

this is the language lab.

The kids are currently learning French.

Bonjour!

Aww! Ohh.

Yeah. Over there are our restrooms, which are awesome

because the baños don't attack you here.

Oh, I fixed that toilet, so... Okay.

Uh, the music teacher comes ♪ twice a week

♪ Abbott's comes twice a week, as well ♪

- Just lying. - I--

And this little diddly is our computer lab.

You know, the kids love it, and it's improved

reading scores just across the board.

Is that Mavis Beacon?

Yeah, this place is the best.

We did have a little mice problem,

but we called people to humanely get rid of them, so...

Instead of chasing them with sticks, you know?

That's so great.

It really is great!

- It's so great here! - It's really great at Abbott, too!

Oh, hey, Kya, you gagootz, keep it movin'!

Okay, come on.

Let's get out of here, come on.

Melissa, that's-- that's like

your charter school doppelganger.

I said let's go!

Um...

Open your ears, listen with your minds.

Assuming everybody here has seen "Pocahontas,"

the original "Avatar."

Really?

Oh, class, this is Mr. Eddie.

This is the guy I was telling you about.

What have you been telling them?

N-Never mind. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Okay, everyone, give a couple besties

a moment to, uh, flap the gums.

Whoa! You look hot.

Warm. Y-You're sweating.

Yeah, my classroom is sweltering,

and I can't remember the way Barbara showed us

how to open up the windows.

How do you do that again?

Oh, well, I am flattered you thought to ask me first,

but that's definitely more of a Barbara question.

That's what Janine said.

Oh, so I wasn't first.

You know, it's fine.

Sweating is good for the students.

It stimulates the brain.

Wait, wait. Why aren't you just asking Barbara?

Is there something else going on?

- Don't worry about it. - Okay, but I will worry about it,

you know, and every time I see you,

I'll be thinking about it and want to talk about it.

Okay, fine, look, I'm avoiding Barbara right now

because things with Taylor aren't going... great, okay?

We're not meshing, and I'll talk to Barbara eventually.

I just have to figure out a plan for this whole Taylor situation.

Girl problems, young blood?

I cannot relate.

I have to go.

- Hmm? - Eh.

Ooh, I didn't know Jazz Band was a color.

Abbott is my home, and I take pride in it,

so I've decided to brighten up the place myself.

And it'll be as good as anywhere else.

Addington who?

Ms. Teagues is pleased.

Yeah!

Yeah, we're gonna go Jazz Band.

I think that's a real reflection of our room, right?

You play bass.

Uh, what do you think you're doing?

Oh, um, just sprucing up the place.

That charter school had that fresh coat of paint,

so if we just--We're not Addington.

We're an actual public school, and you can't paint the walls.

Classroom decor is set by the Philadelphia Department

of Education, Animal Shelters, and Traffic.

Well-- Trust me, the blue looks worse.

My brother gets to go to Addington.

They take a field trip every month.

Is it true that they have a computer lab?

Yep, and you can Google stuff.

Dang.

I know how we can spend the grant money.

Janine, didn't you get your breathing checked over the summer?

We already agreed we're spending it on baby wipes

and cleaning supplies.

Look, I know it's not sexy, but we just need the basics here.

But the basics aren't good enough.

These kids need to be uplifted.

We can turn the library into a computer lab.

Get a bunch of computers--

You mean computer. The "S" makes it expensive.

Fine. Computer for the library.

We don't even have a librarian for the library.

It would be nice to get some plants for the classrooms.

Or some air freshener.

- A computer. - Why are we even debating this?

I can't believe you don't want to do more for our kids.

That's not what it's about, Janine.

Then what is it about?

Look, we should not be competing with any school.

We should be doing our best for this one.

Yeah, no, I'm not saying-- Yeah.

Sounds like y'all got some different ideas

about the grant money.

We need to come up with a fair and responsible way

to figure out what to do with the rest of that cash.

- Dear God. - Like what?

The only tried-and-true way

that any sound financial decisions are made.

Y'all ever seen "Shark Tank"?

Ah, all dressed up for your big dip in the Shark Tank today?

What? No.

I got to go to court later

for throwing a corn cob at Ben Simmons.

Wait, so you're not gonna make a presentation?

No! I'm not gonna humiliate myself,

and I don't know anybody else who would, either.

I stayed up all night making my presentation.

Of course you did.

I'm gonna win that grant money

and turn Abbott into a crown jewel of the neighborhood.

Crown jewel?

It'll be us and that corner store that still sells loosies.

You know, in the end times, it's just gonna be cockroaches

roaming the empty streets and Janine holding up a sign

that says "Turn that frown upside down."

Whoa, that was awkward.

Hey, I hope whatever's going on

with you and Taylor can be fixed.

Unfortunately, I don't think so.

I cannot do another dinner at a restaurant

that does small plates with a unique flare.

Small plates?

Oh, you have to break up.

Just call her right now, rip off the Band-Aid.

Normally I would, but I don't think I can be the one to end this one.

If I hurt Taylor, I hurt Barbara.

You best not go hurtin' Barbara.

- You want my advice? - No.

Mail a certified letter telling her you got drafted.

Or you could just let it peter out.

What do you mean, peter out?

You can't ghost. That's too harsh.

But petering is gentle. It's nice.

I've-- I've done it a bunch of times.

You just stop using exclamation points, okay?

You start taking a few hours to respond,

and then, you know, before you know it,

it's been a few weeks since you've gotten a text that says,

"Good morning, handsome."

It's risky, but it could work.

And you probably won't get your tires slashed.

You ever heard of Martha and the Vandellas?

Well, I dumped Martha, but I'm pretty sure

the Vandellas vandalized my car.

I would like to not have my tires slashed, so...

Thanks for being here, Courtney.

I think of you like a young me.

I think of you like an old me.

This ain't "A Star Is Born." I'll shut your tiny ass down.

Let's get going.

There's dust bunnies in the gym with my name on it.

Hello, Sharks.

You all know me as the Lunch Lady.

'Cause none of you had the decency to ask my name.

Yes, continue, Lunch Lady.

My name is Shanae.

And I'm looking for a 100% investment

of the grant money for our kitchen.

We need cutlery, a bunch of tongs, and hair nets,

'cause I know y'all are tired of stray hair in your food.

I thought that was a new kind of soup.

Thank you for your presentation,

but I don't see how any of this

benefits me personally in any way,

and for that reason, I am out.

- Hey, Ava. - Do you work here?

For nine years!

Damn, this is embarrassing-- for you.

You should really try to stand out more.

I haven't been impressed with the pitches so far.

They're trash.

It's like they don't even want it.

Can't believe I get to miss class for this.

Okay, who's next?

Oh, thank God.

I thought you had some kind of twin janitor.

- That was freaky. - Hello, Sharks.

My name is Mr. Johnson, and I'm here to pitch you

on janitorial work in the 21st century.

Behold.

Okay.

With 100% of that grant money,

I could become the 007 of janitors,

Agent 409.

Welcome to the Tank. What do you have for us?

Uh, we're just here to retrieve some books.

'Cause this is, you know, a library.

You both are annoying me, and for that reason, I'm out.

We don't want to be in!

Nevertheless, it's a no.

And that is why I'm seeking the entire sum of the grant

so that we can grant...

our kids a brighter future.

Thank you.

No. No?

I don't know. It's a bit much.

But a bit much is kind of my brand.

I know, but I think it'll be more effective

if we limit the theatrics and just keep it grounded.

See, that is why I came to you.

Because Jacob just would've lied to my face

and told me it was amazing.

Man, see, you're such an honest, straight-up guy.

You're right.

I am straight up. And honest.

It's kind of my brand.

Well, it's not really your brand.

Yeah, it is.

See?

Okay, then. Well, I'm going shark diving.

Wish me luck.

So, if I get the seed money,

I'll be able to have my water ice truck all year round.

What does this have to do with the school?

This about the school?

I thought y'all was just giving out money.

Get out.

He's got my vote.

It's so hot, I could really go for a water ice right now.

Oh, we don't take bribes--

that aren't in the form of money.

Hi, Sharks. I'm Janine Teagues from Philadelphia.

Girl, we already know who you are.

Get to it.

See? This is why I was bored in her class.

Today I am seeking an investment of the full grant

to brighten and better our school.

I'm talking computer...

the gateway to the future.

One second.

Gregory was right. This was too much.

Let's go to commercial break.

I'm reserving judgment till you can answer this question.

You got one in my size?

I do!

T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt.

So you want us to look just as dorky as you.

A lot of our kids don't have access to the Internet at home.

Plus, I believe this will boost morale,

which positively affects learning,

according to certain studies.

Are those peer reviewed?

I prefer the pitch Mr. Johnson gave.

Look, we can prove that we're not just as good

as any charter school,

we're better!

Stay tuned and find out who we'll be making a deal with

after this next break.

Who are you talking to?

This is always my favorite part,

when we let the losers know who they are.

Yeah. Sorry, Mr. Hill.

What? I didn't even pitch.

Because morale is important,

and because I got outvoted two to one,

the winner is...

Janine.

Wait. Wait a minute. I'm Janine.

Wait, I won? Oh, my gosh, this feels amazing.

I usually only get this feeling watching movies.

Ugh.

Congrats, girl.

You're getting your computer.

- Aah! - What is that?

You guys got to see what's in the cafeteria!

Hello, friend.

For real?

This is why we need new tongs.

The mice are just slipping through the old ones.

Don't worry. I figured out the problem.

W-W-What is it, Mr. Johnson?

There's a bunch of mice runnin' around.

We know that, Mr. Johnson!

Oh.

You're up to speed, then.

I don't know. We'll just-- Here he is.

Seems that when they chased the mice from that charter school,

they roamed the streets looking for somewhere else to go.

Abbott was the most delicious.

Congrats, Janine.

I guess Abbott is better than Addington at something.

Well, can you get rid of them or not?

This job is too big for one Mr. Johnson.

Oh, exterminators are expensive.

The grant money.

Yeah, I don't really think we got a choice.

No.

But I won.

Well, sorry, hon. Abbott is undefeated.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Howard.

Can you please help me with this window?

Oh, sure.

They don't call me the Window Whisperer for nothing.

Alright.

Okay, now, press directly here and release the pressure.

Ah, there you go.

That all?

Um, no, actually, it's not.

I don't know why I avoided it for so long.

I'm not a peter-out kind of guy.

I'm happy Janine reminded me of that.

I actually wanted to talk to you about something.

And I wanted to talk to you, too.

I just want to say I'm sorry

things didn't work out between you and Taylor.

Oh!

Oh, don't tell me - I'm breaking the news. - Uh...

Ooh! I told that child,

"You have got to be straightforward."

Petering out is just not of the Lord.

Mnh-mnh!

Wait, so she was petering out on me?

Do you know why?

Well, I think she said you a "broke bwah."

I think she's saying I'm a broke boi.

Oh.

No.

I can't believe we have rats in this school.

Well, they're actually mice, which are better than rats

'cause they're less intrusive.

This lady trying to put a positive spin on rats.

Don't get it twisted. This is a mouse house now.

Look.

Barbara and I weren't trying to be mean.

It's just the kind of stuff we got to deal with around here.

And that's why, when we can get anything,

we just want the basics.

No, I get it. I do.

You know, I just saw Addington and freaked.

Just wanted to get something special for Abbott

so that we don't feel like an afterthought.

- Mm. - Wanted us to feel just as good,

even though maybe that just isn't true.

And now it looks like we won't be getting any of that stuff.

Yeah, even if I can cut a deal with the rat guy,

we're only gonna have like 350 bucks left.

Yep. Okay, let's just get wipes.

There you go. Yeah.

The kids don't need to feel special.

Well, if that's all you want,

I can make somebody feel special for less than $350.

Ava, I've said I do not want to go to a strip club with you.

That wasn't an invitation, girl. I just needed some ones.

And lots of 'em.

But, no, I have another idea.

Thank you, Sharks, for this one-time cash infusion.

This is awesome!

Abbott for the win!

Whoa, they got water ice?

That's right. Water ice at Abbott.

Keep it moving.

What do you have, a computer lab?

Dweebs.

Yeah, you heard the baby shark.

Keep it movin', and quit staring us down with that lazy eye.

Who you think you're talkin' to?

A woman with Jersey mall hair and too much makeup.

Now take that sfigato ass down the street.

Oh.

Melissa!

I don't even know what "sfigato" means

and I know that was too much.

It's a very small cup of coffee.

That's not even close, and I can say whatever I want

to my stupid sister.

Sister? As in the woman that works at the other school?

You have the same mom? Y-Your sister?

Yeah, yeah, good, you know what having a sister means.

Glad you're making good use of that Penn education.

Wait--And, no, I'm not saying another word about this.

Well, um, hey, you got to hand it to Ava.

This is-- - This is a blast. - Yeah.

And it is so good that the kids can feel special today.

Oh, are you saying that I was right, Barbara?

Uh... no.

Oh, this is so fun.

- Yeah. - I just wish Gregory could enjoy it.

What's wrong with Gregory?

Well, you didn't hear it from me,

but I think he and Taylor are on the outs.

That's too bad.

Yeah.

Hey, Devin, can I get a piña colada?

Hey. Hey.

You okay?

I will be.

Thank you.

You are so welcome.

You're all welcome!

I really killed that today.

Kids happy, Janine quiet, Gregory fine.

I feel like I got a real knack for this,

like I could be president or maybe even mayor of a school.

What would you call that?

How's that petering out going?

Well, it turns out that Taylor was actually petering out on me.

Whoa, she petered?

That's amazing.

How is that amazing?

Because, man, that's what people used to do to me.

Huh? Just one more thing we have in common.

Don't take it so hard.

Everybody gets dumped.

If it can happen to Michael B. Jordan,

it can happen to you.

Now, that white boy sure can act.

Ooh! I love those "Back to the Future" movies.

Michael J. Fox.

Hmm?