Original subtitles

[upbeat saxophone music]

both: * Good morning to you ♪

♪ Good morning to you ♪

♪ Good morning, good morning ♪

♪ It's morning for you ♪

♪ Get out of my room ♪

♪ If you don't leave quickly ♪

♪ I'll fart box this room ♪

Hey, come on. Chance is seven.

He should be able to wake up on his own

like a normal person by choking on his own burp.

Quinten and I know what we're doing.

Yeah, we won Parents of the Year

two years in a row.

- Who gives that award? - I do.

And heads-up, I can be bought.

Okay. Breakfast time, Gordo.

But I'm tired.

Carry me?

Of course. Come on.

[grunts]

Mm.

I don't know why you're carrying him.

He's not even drunk.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

I'm so excited my primos are coming for spring break.

We 'bout to turn up!

Oh, well, as long as I can turn down by 10:00.

I just love how in Latinx families,

your cousins are also your best friends.

That's true.

I've got 172 best friends.

I have one cousin.

She's 16 and hates me.

[knock at door]

[squeals]

[all squealing]

Oh, Quentin, you remember Yesika.

Ooh, on socials, it's Hell-dash-Yesika.

I'm an influencer now.

What are you under the influence of?

And can I have some?

- Miguel, how's grad school? - It's going great.

I'm getting my doctorate in Chicano studies

with an emphasis on the cultural significance

of the Hot Cheeto.

Yeah, I saw your TED Talk.

How did you make the connection

between Cheeto dust and Aztec war paint?

It's obvious...

when you're on 'shrooms.

Orale, that's how this Chicano studies.

And, Luna, I didn't know you were coming.

You didn't return any of my texts.

I unplugged months ago.

And now I live in a van.

People say that traveling changes you,

but I just keep becoming more myself.

Wow, your lives are amazing.

Luna's free to travel wherever she wants.

I'm just living off vibes.

Miguel's a scholar and activist.

Para la raza.

And Yesika's famous for...

being hot.

[giggles] Aw.

It's true.

My brand is girl who gets invited onto boats.

You know, like Luna's brand is van life,

and Miguel's is Flaming Hot Chicano.

Oh. Oh, um, what's our brand?

I'm guessing Kirkland?

Oh!

[chuckles]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Relax. No, we are proud parents.

That's lame, aye!

That's why I never made parenting my brand.

I went for the obvious:

cholo zaddy. Watch out.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

Are you making Chance

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Let him make his own.

He doesn't know how.

The ingredients are in the name.

It's not that simple, Grandpa.

I require a very complicated peanut butter to jelly ratio.

This is why you don't have time for fun, or friends,

or going to traffic school for me.

Oh, my dad is right.

My primos are living these exciting lives,

and here we are

picking peanuts out of peanut butter.

Your fault for not getting creamy, Mom.

Okay. You know what?

No, we are not doing chores.

We are going out with your primos.

Who's gonna watch Chance?

George is.

I didn't agree to that.

You did say that we should have more fun.

Well, why would you listen to me?

I have terrible ideas.

- Thanks. - Have fun.

Grandpa, will you hand that sandwich to me?

It looks so delicious, but...

it's all the way over there.

You're right. It is delicious.

With the perfect ratio of mine, not yours.

[upbeat saxophone music]

Oh, this van is so cool.

It has a toilet.

I brought juice boxes and little bags of Cheerios

if anyone gets hungry.

Mayan, remember, we're making different choices today.

We're living like your primos.

Make room for the queen.

- Ooh! - Hey, familikas!

Today, I'm hanging out with my awesome, fun primos.

both: Aw!

And my sad, boring primos.

both: Aw.

Can we show them how to live their best life?

all: Hell-dash-Yesika!

[giggles]

And the wide shoulder pads in the zoot suit

represents the weight of oppression

on the shoulders of the mighty Chicano.

[all snapping fingers]

What does the pocket watch represent?

Hmm?

Oh, nothing. It's just cool, fool.

Finally, I get to discuss books

that don't have green eggs or ham.

A big part of van life

is sourcing your own food from nature, like these berries,

or as I call them, nature's berries.

Oh, wow, these are way better than Kirkland berries.

That's van life.

* Can you feel the beat within my heart? ♪

♪ Can't you see my love shine through the dark?

♪ Can you feel the beat within my heart? ♪

♪ Can't you see my love shine through the dark? ♪

♪ Can't you see that you must be a part ♪

♪ Of that beat in my heart? ♪

♪ That beat in my heart ♪

[knock at door]

I do not mean to brag,

but I just flipped the hell out of this sign!

I was like, wah!

Oh.

Good work, Oscar,

channeling your ADHD into a job skill.

What was that?

[knock at door]

Oh, that's my client.

Go hide in my office.

I don't want him to think I take in drifters.

Javier, welcome.

May I call you Javier?

No.

Okay.

Well, it's signing time.

I already went over the terms of your life insurance policy

with your wife, Teresa.

May I call her Teresa?

No.

Hey, wait.

This says she gets all the money, and I get nothing.

Well, you'd be dead, so...

Exactly.

My wife just wants me to get life insurance

so that she can poison my menudo

and buy a Bentley for her sancho.

Well, with the policy and your budget,

she's looking more at a pre-owned Kia Sorrento.

[laughs]

I reconsidered.

I handle the finances in my family,

and I'm not signing this.

My wife will get life insurance over my dead body.

Yes, that's how it works.

Well, there's no way to spin that.

You Latino men are so machista.

You know how much money I miss out on

because men don't want to buy

from a powerful, fashionable, sensual woman

who often gets mistaken for a cable news anchorperson?

You know, you've got a problem with machismo idiots,

and I can help.

How? Are you some sort of idiot whisperer?

[whispers] Yes.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- [toy gun clicks] - Ay!

Take that, colonizer!

I learned that from Tio Miguel.

I'll remember that for the police report.

[sighs]

Let's play a new game, all right?

This one is called Scavenger Hunt.

Let's see if you can find...

a dinosaur,

a minion,

and a half-eaten chicken nugget.

You're doing good. You're doing good.

Three, two, one!

Oh!

- Found them all. - You did.

- Are you having fun, Gordo? - Yeah.

You should have a turn, Grandpa.

Maybe later on.

[upbeat saxophone music]

I feel so cool. Do you?

Ah, so cool.

Well, well, well...

I hope you had fun

while others were languishing at home.

Are you drinking wine?

Yes, Mayan, I am,

because that's the kind of day that I've had.

I had to clean, and do laundry,

and chase around the Latino Dennis the Menace.

So don't judge me,

because Mommy needs her juice.

Okay, I'm--I'm not ready to go back to our old lives.

This is the first time in years that my fingers

haven't smelled like peanut butter.

I mean, the primos are here all weekend.

Why don't we keep the party going with an actual party?

That's a great idea.

After the day that I've had,

I could use a party.

No.

You're gonna watch Chance again so we can have fun.

What? Okay. Listen, that's not fair.

Hey, it's payback for all the times that you partied

instead of being a responsible parent when I was a kid.

Damn, actually that is fair.

Primos, we're throwing a party.

[gasps] both: Yeah!

I won't even charge to show up.

Oh, we're gonna have this place bouncing

like a low rider.

To honor our ancestors.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

It's lucky your cousins have so many friends

since our social circle is...

Chance.

All right, Chance,

we're camping out in the truck tonight,

but I want you to take a good look around

so you appreciate what I'm giving up to take care of you.

[sighs] You're a grandpa.

Let it go, man.

He's kidding. I'm the sexy nephew

from the island of Ensenada.

We'll see you in the morning, buddy.

You guys get to party and I don't?

That's not fair!

You took our twenties from us!

I'm sorry.

You gotta let us have this, buddy.

Dang, I guess that is fair.

[glass shattering]

Uh-oh. You think that was something valuable?

Doesn't matter, because that means

that this party is lit.

Do people still say "lit"?

That was lit!

They do! [chuckles]

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

Thanks for giving our company a second chance.

I think you'll have a better connection with my boss.

Hello.

My name is Mr. Office.

You can call him Oscar.

Let us go down on business.

Good to meet you, Oscar.

Hey, you see that fight Friday night, huh?

Yep, saw it the way it was meant to be seen:

on stolen cable in my mom's garage.

And your mom's hot?

I mean, kinda, I guess.

So what do you say, Javi?

You ready to sign this policy?

Then we can do what real machos do:

shop for belts at the swap meet.

Still not ready to sign, but I'm up for the swap meet.

I got some corduroy slippers to return.

Cancel my afternoon, Mrs. Secretary.

I'm taking my client to the swap meet.

[upbeat saxophone music]

[Usher's "Yeah"]

We should throw a party every weekend.

I just met a girl named Margo

who's moving to Paris on a whim.

A whim, Quentin!

I talked to a guy who live-streams himself

playing video games all day,

and people think he's cool.

Where did I go wrong?

What's with the line outside the bathroom?

♪ ♪

Sorry.

- Everything okay? - Don't worry.

It's just that time of the month...

when my tapeworm starts ramming against my stomach lining.

Did you just say "tapeworm"?

[sighs]

Part of van life is forging from dumpsters.

Sometimes you pick up a perfectly good head of lettuce.

Sometimes you pick up a parasite.

Mm. [stomach gurgling]

Okay, I'm going back in. Ooh.

We'll go find you a plunger.

That you can keep forever.

- Miguel? - Mm?

- Mm. - What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just researching the dietary habits

of a multigenerational Chicano family.

I'm stealing food.

What?

Don't you have a meal plan at school?

No, what I have is $300,000 in student debt,

and I didn't even go to a good school.

Dear Lord! Oh!

Yesika, what's wrong?

I lost all my sponsors to a new influencer

named Hell-slash-Yesika.

She's just like me, but...

she actually has something to say.

Well, at least you still have 50,000 followers.

They're all bots!

Okay, the primos' lives

do not seem as glamorous as they did earlier.

I mean, Luna's got a tapeworm, Miguel is starving,

and now Yesika is so-dash-depressika.

You guys, you might want to check out

what's happening in the sex room.

Which room is that?

The one with the bunk beds and the sex toys--

well, regular toys people are using for sex.

- Oh, God! - Oh! Run!

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ Girl look at that body ♪

Mayan, I was just in Chance's room.

We're gonna have to burn all the sheets.

Someone did install a cool swing set, though.

We made a huge mistake.

All right. It's time to shut this down.

Everybody, party's over.

- Uh, it's time to go home. - Yeah.

I am home, homes.

Dad, where's Chance?

I left him with Rosie. I ain't about that parent life.

You guys, I'm so sorry.

[laughter]

- Oh, wow. - Ooh.

[chuckles]

All that swap meet tequila went right through me.

Uh, bathroom?

Ohh.

So how did it go?

Did you idiot-whisper Javier into signing?

No, but I got him drunk.

And I convinced him to keep those corduroy slippers.

Okay, I can work with drunk.

George is the most stubborn man I know,

but after a few,

there's one thing that melts his machismo.

A Pit Bull named Poncho.

Mariachi.

[soft mariachi music]

Ahh-ha-ha-ha-ha-hi!

Ahh-ha-ha-ha-hi!

Oh, I love this song.

It reminds me of my mom.

Is she also hot?

I mean, she wasn't spray-painted

on half the low riders in Downey because she was ugly.

She died last year.

Yeah, I had to take care of all the arrangements myself.

- That sounds so expensive. - Yeah.

If only there was something that could cover those costs

and leave enough left over

to get a tattoo of her face on your arm.

Yeah, I had to do this one myself.

Oh, wow. Your mom was Chewbacca.

That's great.

You don't want to leave your wife in the same situation

if you go first.

Yeah, okay.

Where do I sign?

♪ ♪

- We did it. - You did it.

You are a great agent.

I know.

Just remember, behind every machismo man

is a little boy who just wants a hug from his mom.

Or his best friend's ex-wife.

Get out.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- [all groaning] - Okay.

Grilled PB&J with potato chips.

It is the world's best hangover cure.

I think. This is my first hangover.

I'm full.

Yeah, I accidentally swallowed one my eyelashes last night.

[groans]

Can I have extra? I'm eating for two.

Oh, you're pregnant? Congratulations.

No, it's for me and my worm.

Congratulations.

Man, I'm so jealous.

You guys have your life together.

You really are Parents of the Year.

Adopt me?

You know, maybe we focus so much of our time on Chance

'cause it's easier than trying to figure out

our identities outside of being parents.

I mean, it's tough because Chance needs us.

I mean, we have to be up early to get him dressed,

make him breakfast.

Morning.

I'll be making my own PB&J today.

That's right. I'm a man now.

Good, now you can get out there

and get your own bunk bed.

He's making his own breakfast?

Well, that's gonna save us some time.

So maybe we can have fun every once and a while,

like wine tasting at Kirkland Vineyards.

Okay.

But we're gonna need to lean on Dad more.

You know I don't like when you call me that.

[upbeat saxophone music]

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