Original subtitles

I'm in the hospital, I'm finally getting my boobs fixed.

Stop talking.

I missed my period. You know what that means.

You're pregnant.

All these bloody coffee shops, they may feed the body,

but what feeds the soul?

How's the coffee? Yeah, it's all right.

Will you marry me?

This is all so quick.

As your best man,

it's my responsibility to give you one last night of freedom.

I wondered if I could procure your services,

professionally, for the night.

I love you.

I love you too.

I guess it's just you two now.

No!

We're having a baby.

Woo!

This whole experience has been so overwhelming,

but it's made it all the more comforting having you here.

Aw.

Hey, there's no need for a scan.

If I just lube my head up enough I can squeeze in and take a look.

Do you have a snorkel?

You might want to prepare yourself.

We've no idea what horror might appear on that screen.

We all thought Timmy was going to be normal,

but the midwife still has post-traumatic stress disorder.

Don't be surprised

if you see something that looks like a Jackson Pollock with teeth.

Holy fuck!

You might actually be pregnant.

It's beautiful. It's so tiny but already I feel nothing but love.

I feel complete.

Boring.

I gave it guns for hands.

This machine cost �20,000.

Does the pen rub off?

Yes.

But you didn't know that, did you?

OK.

We just need to make sure you know each other

and are not getting married for the purposes of, say, immigration fraud.

OK, so it's protocol that I interview you separately.

All right, let's get cracking.

So what is your significant other's full name?

I know this one. Lily.

Lily what?

Well, it's a weird last name, but if you say so.

And what is her age?

Um...

..23 to 44.

So where was he born?

America. North Carolina.

Where was she born?

Room three Maternity Ward, Lewisham Hospital, SE13 6HL.

Did she coach you to say that?

No!

And what colour is his toothbrush?

He doesn't have a toothbrush.

You're not wrong there.

THEY LAUGH

Can smell it from here.

I can see it as well.

What does she do for a living? Runs a sham disability charity.

Excuse me?

Finances.

And where did you meet?

On a film set.

So you're an actor? Yes.

So he's an actor?

LAUGHS: Fuck off!

THEY CHORTLE

And finally - reason for marriage.

Love...

..I think.

She's just great.

Well, I can tell you there's no legal reason

why you cannot get married.

WHISPERS: You could do so much better.

I know.

SHE LAUGHS

This is so exciting.

We're going to get married!

Next up, the registry office.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

And you know what?

I've always dreamt of a posh wedding in a fancy hotel.

Not something small then? Cheap?

The more lavish, the better.

Go big or go home, mate.

You do know I'm not actually a millionaire?

Oh, you're going to get it for free.

Fuck, yeah.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

So how did it go?

Great!

Congratulations.

Shit.

Congratulations! Oh.

And so what about the wedding?

I was talking about the wedding.

What are those banners for?

For the... For the baby scan.

You made a banner saying "I'm sorry"

as the first possible outcome from a baby scan.

Aaliyah, I'll need your help.

Hey, there you are.

You said it was a book shop, not a Starbucks.

It is a book shop.

I am so excited about this wedding.

I know we don't have a lot of family here,

so I invited a lovely Japanese family I just met, is that OK?

LAUGHS LIGHTLY

Don't be shy. Oh, my God.

Come on, have a feel.

No thank you... Come on.

Probably should... Ah well.

Oh! Aye, aye, aye, that's what you're wanting, Oh, aye.

Good bit of give.

That's a perfect bit of craftsmanship.

Idris, this is the exact density that I'm wanting

out of your mattress.

Ah, it's lovely. Thank you.

I've just remembered I've got quite a lot of, erm, best man...stuff to do,

so I'm just going to, erm, crack on.

Let me do that.

Why does he keep talking about being best man?

Dad, hello.

Hello, darling. You look radiant.

Thank you.

Sorry I'm late.

I was told that we are meeting in a book shop, not in a Costa.

Definitely a book shop.

Hi, I'm Tim.

I'm the guy that knocked up your daughter.

It's a wonderful gift you have given to our family.

The thought of becoming a grandfather.

Wow.

I can barely contain my joy.

Hiya.

I'm Tim's mom.

You want to feel my new titties?

Oh, Jesus.

That's a very lovely offer.

Going to the chapel and we're

Gonna get ma-a-a...

Ah. That's a little tight, Mom.

Oh. Sorry. Let me see you.

I'm impressed.

Get ma-a-arried

Gee, I really love you and we're

Gonna get ma-a-arried

Going to the chapel of love

Spring is here...

"Ladies and gentlemen..."

SHE STIFLES LAUGH

You know what? I think I'm going to head to the book shop

for a little bit just to finish this speech.

I think I need to be in more of a literary environment,

um, to get some inspiration.

UNDER HER BREATH: Fucking hell.

Don't forget to take that.

We'll say I do

And we'll never be lonely any more

Because we're gonna get...

I guess it does look a bit like a coffee shop.

Gonna get ma-a-arried...

I'm so proud of you, Timmy.

Eurgh.

Are you OK?

I just never thought I would be this proud of a spunk bubble.

There it is! That was scary.

I was worried for a second.

DOOR OPENS

I got your text.

What's the emergency?

Look, Aaliyah, I need you to be honest with me.

Can you do that?

Is this a cultural centre the way it was when Murry owned it?

No. It's a temple of capitalistic greed.

By the way, this whole thing could have been a text.

Right? I'm sorry.

I'm going to the wedding now because Lily's asked me to do something.

And even a wedding is better than being stuck here talking to you.

Yeah... You...

You go ahead.

I'll... I'll be...

I'll catch up...

OK.

Welcome to Colebridge Manor.

Our mission is to make this the most special day of your life.

Special? I hope you don't mean I'm...

Oh, God, no. No, I didn't... No, I didn't...

It just needs to be perfect.

I'm a freelance journalist,

and I'm writing a piece about disabled weddings for The Guardian.

Did you get the wheelchair for my husband? Yes.

And the function room is looking magnificent for the meal.

It's on the first floor.

But don't worry.

The lifts are in full working order.

Lifts! Part of my husband's condition is extreme claustrophobia.

Do you want him to have a seizure?

Oh, God, no.

We could move you to the ballroom...

..at no extra cost.

Good.

As long as nothing else goes wrong.

Everything I believed is a lie.

Love is a deception!

Er sorry, this is Marjorie, our Registrar.

Love is merely a series of electrical signals

to our brains to trick us into the horrifying act of reproduction.

I didn't realise, but she's right!

She was going to marry us.

I am so, so sorry.

I don't know what's got into her.

Actually, one of our guests is a registered celebrant.

Well, I cannot apologise enough.

So if it helps rescue the situation.

Now, if you'd excuse me.

Marjorie!

DOOR OPENS

Oh, God, Jesus Christ.

Hey, can we get a Frappuccino?

No, get out, you beardy cunts.

Sorry, I... I didn't meant that but I do need you to leave.

Come on. Just to the door, thank you.

Sorry about the language.

I don't normally use that kind of....

It's just I need you to...

Thank you.

YELLS

MUSIC: Firestarter by The Prodigy

YELLS

SLOW-MO YELLING

Mr Renkow, it is my great honour to welcome you to Colebridge Manor.

Your wheels, sir.

Ooh.

I've never been in one of these before.

Wee...

Is that right?

THUD

SHE CHUCKLES

Wee!

SHE LAUGHS

How do you go straight?

Wooo... Whoa!

What was that? So fast.

I want to go again.

You told us this venue was going to be perfectly accessible.

But my husband-to-be has almost killed his entire family!

He loves Aunt Yamamoto.

I am so sorry, madam.

I accept mistakes have been made.

Perhaps if we waive our booking fee and you enjoy your amazing day

and possibly mention how much fun you've had in your Guardian article.

TO HERSELF: Job done.

Think about it, there must be a higher love

Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above

Bring me a higher love...

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

Bring me a higher love

I could rise above on this higher love...

We are gathered here today to witness a social construct.

Hmm.

I didn't think this bit through.

"Joining two people in a union of love", it says here.

Well, though, actually they're doing it

because Tim can't control his tiny loads.

They're all thinking it.

It also says here to say that the couple will look forward to

many happy years together.

Odds are that's not going to happen.

Divorce, premature death,

murder.

At least they might end up as the same worm shit.

Aaliyah, back on script.

Fine.

So if anyone has any objections, speak now.

MECHANICAL VOICE: Well, well, well.

What the fuck?

I have an objection.

I don't think they should get married

because Tim has a small dick.

LAUGHTER

Well, this tiny dick created life.

Ooh!

This wedding should be illegal because they both have vaginas.

Oi! That's not cool, man.

No, that's not what I meant.

Not lesbians shouldn't be allowed to marry unless that lesbian is Tim.

AUDIO MANGLES

Bad lesbian. Bad lesbian. Bad lesbian.

Bad lesbian. Bad lesbian... Oi, what's up with lesbians?!

Eh? Right, come on. Out.

I think the machine broke.

Bad lesbian. Bad lesbian. Bad lesbian...

Can you shut that fucking thing up!

I've done you wrong.

I've done this entire community wrong.

This shop is a monument to my greed,

and I'm finally going to put an end to it.

Can the best man bring forward the ring?

Cheers.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

How did the two of you get pregnant?

You are now bonded in the eyes of society.

You may now kiss, an evolutionary

means of tasting each other to find genetic compatibility.

CROWD CHEERS

Now. Watch this.

Mazel tov!

GLASS SHATTERS

Why did you do that?!

Ow. I'm scary.

I've already got it all for free.

Someone get him a bandage!

Now you want to be Jewish? What the hell.

Oh, God, Timmy!

Right, so the fire didn't last that long.

But we can still destroy this symbol of white supremacy.

Yeah! Oh.

When I first met Tim, he reminded me of a stray dog.

Because he had fleas.

No, he did.

See, Tim's got a habit of attracting parasites.

The worst one being Idris.

Where is Idris? What is the lowest numbered table in this room?

Idris! Idris!

Where is Idris?

He should be here listening to me rip the shit out of him.

Yet I'm going to need to go and find him, the stupid wee arsehole.

Right, Mum, here, you keep the energy going, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, he's all yours now, Lily.

No, seriously, I'm very proud to welcome Lily to our family.

Just promise me you won't let him hold the baby.

I mean, it would be like putting it in a fucking washing machine.

LAUGHTER

I know this is Lily's day, but it is also the happiest day of my life.

To see my little buttercup smile, to feel her love, her joy

because she met her soulmate to look after her.

I have no doubt Tim will be a wonderful husband and a father.

He seems to be a man of great compassion

and a tower of strength and reliability

for my little girl to lean on.

Wait, is she marrying another Tim?

LAUGHTER

Oh, guys, look, I don't deserve your kindness.

Look at what I've done.

I took something from this community,

and I just turned it into a Starbucks.

I wish it was a Starbucks, your coffee's shit.

Hey, move! No, it's fine, I know him.

What is going on? Why are you not at the wedding?

I don't even deserve to see love.

Can't even burn this place down, Ruth.

Too much liquid.

I think if it had more books, it might have gone up.

Idris, it's going to be OK.

The book shop? Do you think so?

No, no.

That was a disaster from day one.

Look, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Right? Idris.

You are one of the worst people that I have ever met.

If erectile dysfunction had a face then it's...

..and you are creepy.

But you're not creepy in cool way like a spider.

You're creepy like a cockroach, and you're boring, really boring.

You're like human grout, you are so fucking beige.

But here's the thing.

I don't think that you're a total prick.

I think you're OK.

You mean that? I mean, I...

I don't even know why I think that.

Because you look like a sad testicle.

I mean, who the fuck sanded your chin off?

No just, erm, go back to the nice thing.

You're not a total prick.

So do you fancy coming to a wedding, co-best man?

Yeah...mate.

Don't fucking ruin it.

So close.

Your monster-in-law wants to know

if you've been thinking of any baby names.

Well, I like the name Jamie,

but Tim is pushing for Quodog - the Destroyer of Worlds.

What?!

Yeah, exactly.

Where is that little shit, anyway?

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

You finished that pretty quickly.

LAUGHS Oh, my God.

I think I just felt it kick.

LOUD THUDDING What's in there? Godzilla?

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm making you proud of me.

I thought of this last night all by myself.

I told you, it's free.

Why waste a good plan?

Oh, yeah? And how the fuck are you getting down?

Oh. That's easy.

Uh!

Tim! Tim!

BOTH: Tim!

What you trying to do? You could have killed yourself.

Why not just lie at the bottom of the stairs?

See, this is why I need you.

I spent all last night thinking this through.

Just not the why or the how.

But I knew the what.

Yeah, well, you need to think about the why.

Do I really?

Yes. I don't know, cos this is who I am.

I do stupid shit and get away with it,

because, for me, life has no consequences.

Our baby is a consequence.

It's not just you any more. It's us.

You need to grow up.

What if I can't be a good father?

No-one believes in me.

I believe in you, you dick.

I know you can do better.

Really? Cos I just threw myself down a flight of stairs

trying to impress you.

Ooh. Body go gloop.

What the...? Oh, fuck's sake.

Well, how did he get up there to begin with?

He can't go in lifts, he has extreme claustrophobia.

Yah...

So we didn't get to finish our joint best man speech earlier.

CLEARS THROAT

So we'd just like to say we're thrilled that our best friend, Tim,

is marrying Lily.

So now he might finally fuck off and let us get on with our lives.

To Tim and Lily.

ALL: To Tim and Lily.

Thank you, guys.

But I do have to reiterate, I didn't ask either of you to be my best man.

The couple did ask that their first dance be to Whitney Houston's

I Wanna Dance With Somebody, but I don't have that.

Thank fuck.

ON MOBILE: I was dancing when I was twelve

I was dancing when I was twelve

MUSIC CONTINUES AS SOUNDTRACK

I was dancing when I was out

I was dancing when I was out

I danced myself right out the womb

I danced myself right out the womb

Is it strange to dance so soon?

I danced myself right out the womb

I was dancing when I was eight...

What if I start having, um, sexual feelings towards Idris?

You will never be physically attracted to him.

Oh, Oh, my...

Thank you. Thank you, Aaliyah.

Let's go get drunk, like shit the bed drunk.

I'm already hammered.

I've been drinking since 8am.

I'm worried about losing control.

He-hey.

We're going to be all right, mate, there is no way that I will find

you, in any way, sexually attractive,

just like all other women.

Is it strange to dance so soon?

I danced myself into the tomb

I danced myself out of the womb

I danced myself out of the womb

Is it strange to dance so soon?

I danced myself into the tomb

But then again

Once more

I danced myself out of the womb

I danced myself out of the womb...

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