Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

It's the very finest hand-stitched Italian cloth.

Why thank you, Jeeves.

You will look stunning going down the aisle.

It really is top end. Don't worry about the price.

You know, it's not every day you get to give your boy away.

Is it not more traditional to give the bride away?

I mean given away in the broad sense.

Well, I've been trying to give him away for years,

but some fucker always brought his wonky ass back.

Ow! Why is there so many buttons?

Fuck!

I mean, I never thought I'd see this day.

I never thought he'd get through kindergarten.

He didn't have a college fund.

I mean, who's going to bet on that long shot?

Think I got it...no.

Do you think I should be helping? Ow!

I like it, but I think this one's got a rip in it.

# I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

# Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me... #

This is so fascinating. It says, "The greatest way to be an ally

"to the disabled community is simply to listen."

Sure. I've been telling you to shut the fuck up for years.

Oh, there's a new disability channel.

What the fuck? Why would disabled people need their own channel?

It's not just for disabled people. It's for everyone.

There's a whole audience of people

who want to educate themselves about disability.

We call ourselves "disabledophiles". Oh! Oh!

Here it is, channel 1542.

What? Even the porn channels stop at 1000!

Shh.

My new project is Unbeaten.

It tells the true story of Serge de La Croix

who, aged 24, developed the degenerative condition

Veltmann Kreiger Syndrome,

causing profound physical disability,

yet still went on to be France's greatest ever jazz drummer.

Incredible.

Oi, arsewipe. Put the video games back on.

There's been some protests over casting an able-bodied actor

as De La Croix - James Norton, no less.

Oh, my God, he's my favourite Spider-Man.

I know, but we have been listening to the community,

which is why it's so important to us

to feature on screen as many disabled actors as we can.

We have an open casting in South London today.

He's Spider-Man.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, and...

Hey, Mum, guess what?

The doctor called and he said he accidentally threw away my baby

and gave me the medical waste?

Oh.

We're going to be in a movie.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was in a film?

Please stop talking about the porno.

I could have done a lot more porno back then.

You know, I had statement titties.

I don't know why I breast-fed you till you were seven years old.

Now look at them. One still has a bite mark.

OK. Bye, Mum.

Idris, you've got a real problem with women, haven't you?

To... To be fair, that was my best friend's mum's bosoms.

Bosoms?! Oh.

LAUGHS: You are such a pussy.

Which is lucky, because you are never going to see one.

# What's the ugliest part of your body?... #

Hiya.

If you're here to be an extra on Unbeaten,

if you could just form an orderly queue here,

with carers where applicable.

And if you're here for the angry protest,

you're actually in the wrong spot - it's just over there.

THEY CHANT: Disabled but able!

Yes, Idris, a pretty lady.

Maybe just listening face today.

Let me do the talking. Capisce?

Yeah. Um, hiya.

What's your disability? Why do you need to know that?

Oh, it's just to decide which scene.

I'm quadriplegic and have violent anger management issues.

OK.

I'm joking, I'm not quadriplegic.

Er, OK.

What's your name, sorry? Fuck you.

That's my name.

Well, my name's Lily.

But Fuck You's my Insta handle.

I'm livestreaming this to highlight the obscenity of casting

a non-disabled actor to play a disabled hero

whilst trying to placate the rest of us with this PR shite.

Look, I'm just the third AD, it's really not my decision.

You're right.

I get that, babe.

I'll go and pick on someone else.

Yeah.

Like these sad sacks,

lending credibility to this charade.

Don't talk about Ruth that way.

Do you want to borrow my wheelchair,

help you out when you're sucking able-bodied cock?

Yeah, that would help so much more than the kneepads I brought.

Thank you.

Don't let him actually suck any cock.

The insurance won't cover the horrific injuries it would cause.

I've got enough here.

She's not wrong.

You should see what I did to my mum's nipple.

Gross.

No, I meant, like, as a baby.

Not, like, now.

Oh, Goddamn!

Right. Hiya.

Ruth, Tim and Idris. OK.

Oh, I've got Tim and Idris, but not Ruth.

I'm the carer. It says here Idris is the carer.

Come here.

See, I'm the carer of both of those inspirational young men.

We just let Idris make the phone call sometimes

because he's... he's very, very special.

Hey, guys, quick, look, I've made a friend. Hello, mate.

Oh, good job, buddy.

You see? Yeah, yeah. I see. What an absolute sweetheart.

What are their conditions?

Cerebral palsy and...

..repulsivist vaginilitis.

Oh, what the hell. You have a great day.

Grab a wheelchair.

You can go in the hospital scenes.

Just head over to the extras' green room.

I like movies.

They're...pretty.

Maybe Idris would like to spend some time

with the pretty lady, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.

Yay!

Eeee!

We're talking to the protesters.

They're on the news?!

They're calling us gerbils?

Oh, Goebbels.

God, don't they understand how complicated making this film is?

I can't just cast a disabled lead.

In half the film, he's able-bodied.

There's an eight-minute one-take tracking shot

of him cycling with his brother on his back

through the war-torn Antwerp ghetto.

No, no, no, no. I'll try and fix it.

Studio doesn't need to pull the funding.

Jack.

Jack, can I just get your opinion on something?

Um...

So which do you think is the more realistic?

Um... Mm, mm, mm...

..or...

Argh! Argh! Argh!

Um, I was...I was thinking, you know...

Ah, ah-ah, ah.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, I had thought about that. Just, I'm...

I'm worried it will be considered offensive.

Well, that... Oh, excuse me.

Hey. Can I ask you a quick question? Spider-Man.

Which do you think is more accurate,

bearing in mind the character has Veltmann Kreiger Syndrome, OK?

OK, so, first of all... Argh!

Argh! Argh! Or...

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Hmm.

Show me again.

Um, so the first one is...

Argh! Argh!

Or, um...

BOTH: Ah-ha, ah, ah.

What about...

..huh-huh, huh, huh, da-muh.

Prrrth.

I... I had never thought about that.

You see, that is why you have to research a part.

Thank you, mate.

James. Nice to meet you.

Tim. Do the Spider-Man thing.

Huh?

OK, thanks. Great job. Just great.

Nice to meet you, Jim. Bye, Spidey!

What is this Spider-Man shite?

Spider-Man!

This is Elizabeth and Beth,

our hair and make-up department.

This is Idris, everyone.

Idris wants to make movies, don't you?

Yeah. They're cool.

I'm doing listening today.

And I think boys who listen deserve ice cream.

What do you reckon?

I like your hair.

It's, um... It's blue.

Aww.

Oh, I'll go and get you that ice cream, shall I?

Yeah. Yeah? Sounds good.

Ruth... Hmm?

I don't think I like it in here.

Are we in Stranger Things?

Is this the Upside Down?

Does anyone need anything?

OK, no worries.

Prick.

Wheeeee! Look, sparkly.

Oh, wow, Idris, they look great.

Look, I think these lasses are a little bit busy,

so shall we go and find some of the animals? Yeah. Sounds...

Yeah? Sounds good. Here you go. Thank you. Come on, then.

Well, I would say

this is Dante's sixth circle of hell.

But I don't know who Dante is.

Oh.

Oh, was he a rapper?

This is the forever place. No, it's not.

Look, we need to escape.

We all need to escape.

Come on, people, rise up! To freedom!

And listen, I know where they're keeping the sandwiches and shit.

ALL: Ooh! Yes. Come on, then.

Let's go, come on!

Guys. it's not your scene yet. Look, get back, guys, get back.

So, because lots of the film is set on a farm,

we have lots of animals, like pigs.

Of course, the pigs don't have any lines, because that would be silly.

Oink. Yeah, oink!

Moo.

Yeah. Hey, animals make lots of different noises, don't they?

I've lost control of the extras!

They're heading for the refreshment table.

MUSIC: White Riot by The Clash

Oh, Tim. Tim, Tim.

I had a couple of questions about authenticity.

Not now, Spidey, we're rebelling.

Oh, we can walk and talk. I can't!

I really, really want to dig deep into this character, you know?

Find his motivations, his desires, dreams.

What do you dream about, Tim?

Eh, just like stupid shit.

What the fuck! Where have all these fucking extras come from!

Get them away from the sandwiches!

Who let all these extras escape?

It was him, he let them out.

I've got enough fucking problems without this.

Get off my fucking set.

Save me, Spider-Man!

I think he's talking to you.

What?

MEGAPHONE: More disabled actors! More disabled actors!

Fuck.

Oh, unbelievable.

This is how you treat....

Hang on... You gave him a wheelchair?

Did he try and suck your cock?

No. They're troublemakers.

Hmm.

Do you know who else was called a troublemaker?

Martin Luther King.

Yeah, but I did cause a lot of trouble.

We're employing hundreds of disabled people who don't cause trouble.

Here, do you know they keep them in a dungeon?

Not because they're disabled!

It's how we treat all extras. Jack, that is terrible.

I have a massive trailer to myself.

Disgraceful!

At the very least, you should show your commitment

to the better treatment of disabled actors! Yeah!

by making a donation to the Disabled Actors Alliance.

Yeah. Would that make you go away?

You what? Who the fuck is he talking to?

Hang on. Jack.

Oh, look who it is - the big able-bodied star

who's literally stealing the opportunity from a disabled actor.

There's a word for people like you.

What - disabled fish?

THEY LAUGH Cunts.

Hold on. I'm... I'm an ally.

I'm here to learn.

We're still filming the scenes where Serge is physically normal.

Normal?!

I just meant...

You know what I meant.

Tim can vouch for me.

He's been my mentor, my...my teacher.

He's been fantastic helping me with the physicality.

Oh, so, not only are you stealing

an opportunity from this inspiring disabled actor,

but you're appropriating his talents for your own gain.

Absolute wanker.

Jack, this is a PR shambles, mate.

OK? We can't afford the bad publicity.

Sort this out, OK? Enough.

Unbelievable.

OK.

The studio execs want to try recasting James

as the Ugandan drum teacher Nabil,

and the part of Serge de la Croix with someone actually disabled.

Like "the guy from the livestream", which I guess is you.

What? What?!

Don't worry. It's a PR stunt, it will blow over.

It's a truly terrible idea.

You think that will placate us?

Well, that is sort of what you've been after.

I guess I was just after a less repugnant-looking poster boy.

Hey, not cool.

I make love to the camera.

Yeah.

How drunk did you have to get the camera?

OK, so we're shooting the scene where Serge de la Croix is 22

and chasing hens back on the farm.

It's before he develops Veltmann Kreiger Syndrome

so he's able-bodied.

When the execs are here, they'll realise it doesn't work

and we'll be back to the way it was. Is that OK with you, James?

Hold on. So we're OK to cast an able-bodied actor as disabled

but not a disabled actor as able-bodied?

What does that say about us, Jack?

Oh, no, my hand!

Oh, no, my toes are tingling!

I hope I'm not contracting a syndrome.

OK. Cut.

Excellent.

It just isn't working.

Hey, Tim, Tim, you've gone viral.

#Empowerment, #FuckJamesNorton.

Everyone's talking about the film.

Huh?

PHONE VIBRATES

Jack, the media are lapping this up.

Especially the thing about James splitting his salary.

What? I never agreed to that. We agreed to it for you, James.

It's a positive move.

I spent six years researching this film.

I promised Serge's kids it would be a love letter to their father.

What's the problem, Jack?

This Tim guy can't do it.

What do you mean, he can't do it?

Play someone with Veltmann Kreiger syndrome.

Well, what's he got?

Cerebral palsy.

Well, it's the same thing, isn't it? They're all disabled.

Look, we can signal our commitment to diversity,

and the optics are fucking amazing.

Glad we're on the same page, Jack. Good man.

Yeah. Come on. We can make this work.

What are you specifically worried about?

With Veltmann Kreiger Syndrome, you maintain some fine motor control.

That's why he could be France's greatest jazz drummer.

What if we scrap the whole Veltmann Kreiger syndrome thing?

Let's just say Serge de la Croix has cerebral palsy.

Yeah, and to be honest, I'm not that comfortable playing a Ugandan.

We could make me Canadian.

But the integrity!

Yeah, we only ever say it's based on a true story.

CALL ENDS "Based".

Come on, Jack.

Where's the script? We can make tweaks.

See? I told you we'd find some of the animals.

Yeah.

I like their little noses. Mmm.

I like your nose.

Oh, you are just a sweetheart.

I could eat you up.

Would you? Yeah.

Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra.

I like you, too. Hmm.

No!

God, I'm... Bad boy. I'm so sorry. That is a no-no.

As... I just thought.

I... I didn't...

I know we all sometimes have...urges,

but we just need to make sure

that we have the other person's permission.

Oh. Of course.

Kissing is fun, but it's inappropriate.

Do you know what that means? Yeah.

Hmm.

Well, this is shit.

It's so boring!

Look on page one.

Mother's on her deathbed.

Family's crying.

Yada, yada, yada.

She tells her eldest son to take care of her family.

Dumb.

But that is verbatim what she said in reality.

But the son should say, "No way in hell!"

Why? It's punchier.

Certainly grabs the attention. Yeah, but it's not true.

Yes, but if Tim, as a person of disability,

feels its truth, then is that not true enough?

No, it's a different story. OK.

What if the mum gets a shotgun and she's like,

"Hey, I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"

Kapum! "Oh, not if I take you out first!"

It needs more gunfights just generally.

And then, on his way out, he draws out a stick of dynamite

and blows up the house with them.

Pow.

Too much? No, not if it feels real to Tim.

Nobody is blowing up the hospital!

Well, hold on. It could be a metaphor

for the end of childhood innocence.

It really wakes the audience up.

And to be honest, now I'm rereading it through Tim's eyes,

I'm not really sure what's keeping anyone watching in the first act.

The powerfully emotional character arc.

All right, Shakespeare.

No! No-one is changing a fucking word of my masterpiece.

We've wasted an hour on this shit.

Let's shoot something, for fuck's sake!

Pow-pow. Pow-pow.

Tch-tch, pow.

Despite everything, despite the hand that life has dealt me,

all I have ever wanted to be is France's greatest jazz drummer.

HE BASHES THE DRUMS

Cut!

Maybe we should just forget the whole jazz drumming thing.

No! We'll fix it with CGI. Can we...?

Can we just do it in a French accent,

just to try and preserve a scintilla of authenticity?

Ohn-hon-hon! Despite the...

..what the world.... No-no-no, no, no, no, no.

Let's... Let's just move on.

Let's just move on.

Hey, Webslinger. Hold on.

Oh, after this is done, can you, me and Zendaya hang out?

Tim, um....

I hate to say this, mate, I'm...

I'm not actually in Spider-Man.

What?

Sorry.

Hey, Ruth. Yeah?

I'm bored.

And you know what James Norton just told me? What?

He wasn't even in Spider-Man. Ugh!

Shall we go and see if that beguiling

but angry woman is still outside?

Yeah, whatever you want, mate. Come on.

Used to be a working-class accent opened doors in this industry.

Now, look at us - cis white able-bodied men.

The biggest disability of all these days.

Oi, Fucknuggets, it's time to go. I'm not sure that's appropriate.

He's responded so well to soft and gentle words today.

What?

It's cruelty like that that makes me so angry.

You should be ashamed.

We should show nothing but kindness to those with learning difficulties.

He doesn't have learning difficulties.

But...

So...

..doesn't he? No!

No, he was just pretending that he did.

And he made me go along with it

so that he would get to meet a hot girl.

No, honestly, he used to work in recruitment.

Yeah, I used to work in recruitment.

Mm-mm.

Pervert!

Argh! What?

Come on, pervert.

That sore?

SHE LAUGHS

Ruth. What?

Oh.

Hey, were you waiting for me?

Fuck me.

You really are brain-damaged.

Well, I guess you can go find somebody else

to be morally superior to very soon.

Don't worry. There's a film about a beat-boxer

with Down's Syndrome shooting next week,

starring one of The Inbetweeners.

I'm not fucking beaten yet.

"I'm not beaten yet."

She is a pain in my arse.

EXPERT DRUMMING

Do you think I'll win a Bafta?

# Spider-Man, Spider-Man

# Does whatever a spider can

# Spins a web, any size

# Catches thieves just like flies

# Look out Here comes the Spider-Man

# Likely to bring his back-up

# Whenever there's a hang-up

# You'll find the Spider... #

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