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oh [ __ ]
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so
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it's 35 16 go ahead control
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copy that 76 monument road i'm code 2 35
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16 out
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[Music]
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excuse me ma'am what oh
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sorry what can i do for you we got a
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report of what
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sounded like gunshots coming from this
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residence really
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yes is there a problem
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no other than the fact that i have an
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idiot son
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everything's fine
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look this is gonna sound stupid but here
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it is i was upstairs and i heard what i
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thought were gunshots coming from down
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here
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i come running down and i see my idiot
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son and his idiot friends pounding on
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some bullets with a hammer
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you're kidding me now do you ever hear
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of anything so dumb no
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that's a first lucky they didn't kill
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themselves you're telling me i wanted to
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strangle every one of the little
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bastards
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is your son here now no when i saw what
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they were doing i went into a screaming
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fit and told them to get out of my house
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they all took off on their bikes
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somewhere they're probably at the
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woodley place down the road
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your guns in the house i take it i have
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a gun
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but i keep it locked up so i can avoid
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situations like this
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i didn't lock up the ammunition because
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i didn't think i had to
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i figured you know how dangerous can a
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bullet be if they don't have a gun to
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put it in
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so it's [ __ ] me it's not to
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idiot-proof the ammunition
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which completely defeats the purpose for
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having a gun for home defense
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if someone broke in i'd be raped stabbed
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and bludgeoned before i can
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get my key on those trigger box
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well all right that's all it is i'll be
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on my way and i know i keep calling my
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son an idiot but
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i'm just exaggerating he's a smart kid
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just does really
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stupid [ __ ] sometimes
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and i guess i could take him to a shrink
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and they could give him some fancy name
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for it like
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autism or asperger's or adhd
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i guess i could pump him full of ritalin
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turn him into some brain dead zombie
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you know when all is said and done i'd
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rather have a kid that
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is a pain in the ass but has some
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personality
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instead of some mindless robot
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besides who might even do something like
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that just to make my life a little
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easier
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that's the mark of a weakling can't
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handle the [ __ ] life deals out
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i understand you know i have two of my
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own the thing is his father died last
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year of cancer and
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i know that's affected him not to
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mention when it's done to me
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my head is like a pinball machine 24
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hours a day
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my brother tried to set me up on a date
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last week
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i even know how to date anymore half the
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time i
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think i never want to see a penis again
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and the other half i'm so horny i can
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hump the doorknob
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guess i went a little far on that one
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huh
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a little bit don't worry about it
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i just wish things were easier
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i don't know maybe i'm part of the
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problem
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maybe i'm making things harder than they
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have to be
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maybe i should stop punishing myself for
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past mistakes by denying me what would
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make me happy right now
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maybe that's just the thing exist for
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the right now
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what do you think about that
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not to break the mood but do you have
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any condoms
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no but i've had a vasectomy that worked
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definitely any disease things we need to
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work around
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no no no clean
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that's out of the way
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oh [ __ ] have i missed that
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oh you feel good smell
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no i need room to do my thing
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oh wow
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well hey if you don't slaughter i'm
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gonna finish before i get started
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come on
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four
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what i just want to take a mental
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snapshot
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you're [ __ ] beautiful
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floor
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you went top or bottom top
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okay yeah i'm good
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kiss me
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oh
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if you lay on your back i can finish you
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off with my hand does that work
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okay yeah
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no just keep doing what you're doing
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easy slower oh
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okay now just stop it just leave your
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hand there
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oh my god
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[Music]
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everything's back in focus
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by the way shelby
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bruce that's a good group you got to
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thanks
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he's one of those uh squeezy thingies
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i don't know what the technical name for
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it is actually i think squeezy thingy
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is a technical name for her wise ass
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apologies about the quick finish by the
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way
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there's not been that turned on in a
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while ah well
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at least you were gentlemanly enough not
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to just roll over and go to sleep
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i'll make it up to you round two oh
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round two mr big talker
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you think you got round two in you if
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you give me some recharge time i do
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do you have to worry about your sub
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coming home oh
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no he knows to stay away for a bit after
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one of my rampages
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we've got a couple of hours at least do
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we need to worry about you calling into
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work
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actually yeah we do need to worry about
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that
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i guess i could call in sick on my radio
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i mean that is if you even want me to
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stay
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i won't take it personal if you don't i
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mean
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do you want to stay i mean
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it's your place i don't want to wear out
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my welcome
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all right uh no more wishy-washy stuff
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from now on total honesty zone yeah i
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want you to stay yeah i want to stay too
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okay good that's settled
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all right now i just need to get up what
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you want to do right now
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no no i'm not i think you done drained
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all the strength from my legs
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all right let me get up this time for
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real
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here we go i'll be right back
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i'll be waiting
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hi judith shelby hi uh does josh happen
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to be over there
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okay uh good um look i've got kind of a
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big favor to ask i had a little bit of a
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meltdown with them earlier
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i could really use the night to myself
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uh would it be okay if you stayed over
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with you tonight
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yeah i'll call you in the morning before
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i come pick him up
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okay thanks i really appreciate it
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okay bye
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all right officially sick
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and i just called my friend and she's
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gonna let my son stay over so
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my night's free and you can stay as long
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as you want okay
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sounds great good
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so we've dealt with my kids situation
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and your work situation
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just leaves one more situation left
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you want to talk about it nope
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okay allow me to fix the problem
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all fixed just like that huh
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just like that as long as you're on
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these premises
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you belong to me so
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what do you want to do now
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uh i got a trail that goes out to abbott
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pond
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want to go for a hike all right
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all right all right
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come on where's the enthusiasm nature
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hike
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[Music]
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get dressed you're a little weird only a
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little
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i must be slipping normally i reside
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somewhere between a high 7.8 low 8.3 on
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the weirdness scale
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occasional bump up to an 8.4 when i'm in
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a really rowdy mood
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you're a little weird you talk a lot
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yeah well you barely talk at all so
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it evens us out you say so
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i do
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what nothing it's just
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after seeing naked seems like a shame to
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cover up that body with clothes
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shut up is that a blush i see on miss
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[Music]
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shelby
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[Music]
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[Music]
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[Music]
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that was the first lull in our
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conversation
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i don't feel too bad most people have
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the small talk before
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the mind willing sex so you do it in
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reverse it's bound to be a little bit
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awkward
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i guess
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when in doubt make body contact
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words to live by
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[Music]
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this is nice i know right
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come on i want to show you something
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[Music]
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so we had a beaver problem a while back
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they were total pain in the ass but
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look how precise their work was
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oh come down look all right
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look every tooth mark is like a perfect
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little hatchet strike
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think about how much time and patience
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it would take to bring down a whole tree
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bite by bite
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come on i want to show you something
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else
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okay so this is something i do with my
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phone
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close your eyes
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all right and don't answer right away
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take a couple moments and clear your
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mind
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and then tell me how many different
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sounds you can hear
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okay
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all right here we go um
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the wind blowing through the leaves
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a bird
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um the water lapping against the shore
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different bird
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some kids playing at a house across the
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pond
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airplane in the distance
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that's about it that's good
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that's six right off the top of your
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head
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it's good to clear your mind just focus
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every once in a while
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it was the world's just one big loud
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jumble of noise
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close your eyes again
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so have you always wanted to be a cop
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hell no
287
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:22,080
no until a few years ago i was a
288
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:24,799
musician really what instrument
289
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:26,000
i played guitar in a classic country
290
00:22:24,799 --> 00:22:30,880
cover band called whiskey
291
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:30,880
river what made you quit
292
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,159
it wasn't any one big tragic event it's
293
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:38,320
just
294
00:22:36,159 --> 00:22:39,600
too many years of good but not good
295
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:42,159
enough
296
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:43,440
you know looking back i don't know if it
297
00:22:42,159 --> 00:22:46,799
was
298
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:49,760
like a talent a lack of luck
299
00:22:46,799 --> 00:22:51,440
i always heard you made your own luck
300
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:54,480
you know who says that
301
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:56,400
lucky people trust me
302
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,320
from what i've seen in my own life and
303
00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:00,559
my current job bad luck
304
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:02,159
is a living breathing animal if it gets
305
00:23:00,559 --> 00:23:06,080
its hooks in you
306
00:23:02,159 --> 00:23:09,840
can hold on for years if it chooses to
307
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,840
i guess
308
00:23:09,919 --> 00:23:13,120
so classic country is that like garth
309
00:23:12,559 --> 00:23:16,720
brooks
310
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:19,120
oh what [ __ ] garth brooks
311
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:21,440
while we're at it [ __ ] tim mcgraw and
312
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:24,799
[ __ ] faith hill too
313
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:28,880
i'm talking willy whalen johnny
314
00:23:24,799 --> 00:23:33,919
don williams tom t hall
315
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:36,720
not this pop music with a country twang
316
00:23:33,919 --> 00:23:38,000
[ __ ] that they make today now country
317
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:40,559
music
318
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:42,640
used to be about the working class and
319
00:23:40,559 --> 00:23:45,840
what the working class really was
320
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:47,760
you know alcoholism adultery
321
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,200
distracting yourself from small town
322
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:52,159
boredom with
323
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,600
destructive habits and now it's just
324
00:23:52,159 --> 00:23:54,400
about what the working class wants to
325
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:57,440
see themselves
326
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:59,039
as you know i love my wife and i want to
327
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,799
sit on my porch with her and
328
00:23:59,039 --> 00:24:03,440
support the troops and read the bible
329
00:24:00,799 --> 00:24:09,679
and watch old glory wave in the breeze
330
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:09,679
[ __ ] that but taylor swift is good right
331
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:19,840
you're lucky you're cute i really kind
332
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:19,840
of am
333
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:31,120
so what do you do shelby well g bruce
334
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:34,559
thanks for asking
335
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:36,000
sorry my small talk skills are kind of
336
00:24:34,559 --> 00:24:38,480
rusty so
337
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,960
what do you do shelby well cheap bruce
338
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:43,600
thanks for asking
339
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:44,799
uh i work at pendleton plastics how do
340
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:47,360
you like that
341
00:24:44,799 --> 00:24:49,279
well i don't hate it which at this stage
342
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:51,279
in the game is kind of an accomplishment
343
00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:53,919
but there's a sort of poetry in any job
344
00:24:51,279 --> 00:24:53,919
if you look for it
345
00:24:54,880 --> 00:25:00,640
is poetry and a factor y'all sure
346
00:24:58,799 --> 00:25:03,200
like the mom who works four overtime
347
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:05,600
shifts to buy her kid an xbox
348
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:07,440
or the fat old guy who plays nothing but
349
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:08,159
love songs on his radio like what's his
350
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,799
deal
351
00:25:08,159 --> 00:25:12,840
is he pining for a long lost love or is
352
00:25:10,799 --> 00:25:15,440
he waiting for a love that may never
353
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:18,320
come
354
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:19,840
i don't know my old man did that blue
355
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,919
collar work for years and he never got
356
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:25,120
any poetry out of it just
357
00:25:21,919 --> 00:25:26,799
a bad back and bad knees and a bad
358
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:29,520
disposition
359
00:25:26,799 --> 00:25:30,960
well it's a matter of perspective i'll
360
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:32,320
tell you many times in life
361
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:35,360
perspective has saved me from the
362
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,360
consequences oh
363
00:25:35,679 --> 00:25:42,000
what what happened what's the matter
364
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:43,919
a bug flew in my mouth you should
365
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:46,159
swallow it that's extra protein
366
00:25:43,919 --> 00:25:47,520
i could feel its wings on my tongue see
367
00:25:46,159 --> 00:25:48,799
that's what you get that's the country
368
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:50,400
god's punishing you for your shitty
369
00:25:48,799 --> 00:25:57,840
taste in music
370
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:57,840
here no look a bug breath
371
00:26:01,279 --> 00:26:11,840
looks delicious
372
00:26:37,279 --> 00:26:41,279
so what is the first thing we do when we
373
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:44,799
get back from a nature height
374
00:26:41,279 --> 00:26:47,760
celebrate our daring pioneer spirit no
375
00:26:44,799 --> 00:26:48,960
take a check so they usually jump on
376
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:53,840
your pant leg and work their way up
377
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:53,840
so start there
378
00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:01,440
okay check my neck they can hide
379
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,799
anywhere once i found one of the little
380
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:05,679
[ __ ] in my ear
381
00:27:02,799 --> 00:27:07,520
nasty yeah tell me about it i thought i
382
00:27:05,679 --> 00:27:09,520
had a scab
383
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,799
and so i went to go and pick it and it
384
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,159
was one of those little [ __ ] i had to
385
00:27:10,799 --> 00:27:13,919
take like an hour long shower just to
386
00:27:12,159 --> 00:27:15,120
get the skeeve off but not before i
387
00:27:13,919 --> 00:27:15,440
smashed a little [ __ ] with a phone
388
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:18,000
book
389
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:19,360
stop using the word little what you're
390
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,000
saying the word little too much you're
391
00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:22,080
using one
392
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:23,200
certain adjective oh yeah well here's
393
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:27,039
another one for you
394
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:27,039
stupid that's you funny
395
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:32,480
oh wait there's a tick where there oh
396
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,240
giant when it's crawling right on your
397
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:36,559
butt oh there's another one no there's
398
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:38,159
not another one
399
00:27:36,559 --> 00:27:41,520
what the hell is that it's my karate
400
00:27:38,159 --> 00:27:45,200
chop pose that's what that is
401
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:48,240
it's really intimidating you know it
402
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:49,360
you want something to drink man it's a
403
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,960
beat
404
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:55,520
i want to play truth or dare oh fun
405
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:57,039
i dare you to strip down naked and go
406
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:59,840
out on your deck
407
00:27:57,039 --> 00:28:01,200
that's not the way it works you have to
408
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,120
follow proper protocol
409
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,640
you say truth or dare i choose then you
410
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,600
give me a challenge that corresponds to
411
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:09,840
said decision oh
412
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:11,760
god all right uh truth or dare dare
413
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:13,679
i dare you to strip down naked and go
414
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:14,159
out on your deck see that wasn't so hard
415
00:28:13,679 --> 00:28:16,600
was it
416
00:28:14,159 --> 00:28:19,640
harder than it had to be
417
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,640
[Music]
418
00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:05,039
impressed definitely okay
419
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:06,559
your turn what no i can't take part in
420
00:29:05,039 --> 00:29:08,000
public nudity i'm a duly appointed
421
00:29:06,559 --> 00:29:09,200
officer of the law
422
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,279
it sounds to me like you're a duly
423
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:12,720
appointed officer of chicken [ __ ] oh
424
00:29:11,279 --> 00:29:14,720
is this how we're doing it now yeah
425
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:16,240
that's how it is
426
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:27,840
all right i guess i can't sit here and
427
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:27,840
let my character be slandered
428
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:55,840
hmm
429
00:29:41,039 --> 00:29:55,840
what's up
430
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:16,480
how does it feel very free
431
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:16,480
back to nature
432
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:23,200
is this your first time with outdoor
433
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:26,640
nudity yep
434
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:29,919
ever yep
435
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:36,480
you need to savor the moment
436
00:30:29,919 --> 00:30:40,799
hold on
437
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:40,799
here help me lay this out
438
00:30:49,120 --> 00:31:05,840
sit where
439
00:30:52,559 --> 00:31:05,840
you're back to my chest ah gotcha
440
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:19,840
good very good
441
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:35,840
goosebumps
442
00:31:32,559 --> 00:31:35,840
what gets you going like that
443
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:43,600
weird well now i have to know
444
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:44,960
all right have you ever kissed someone
445
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,000
and then they start to laugh right in
446
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,360
the middle of it
447
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:50,720
like when your lips are still pressed
448
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:53,039
together yeah i guess
449
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:54,240
for some reason when that happens it
450
00:31:53,039 --> 00:31:56,559
sends this
451
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:58,159
vibration from my mouth right to my
452
00:31:56,559 --> 00:31:59,600
crotch
453
00:31:58,159 --> 00:32:01,840
all right well this i've got to see for
454
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:01,840
myself
455
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:14,320
okay i'm going to kiss you and when i do
456
00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:17,200
i want you to tickle my hair
457
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:20,240
oh my god you're getting hard i told you
458
00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:20,240
oh you're so odd
459
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:29,840
quiet
460
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,840
um
461
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,840
hmm
462
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:25,840
that was a poet i'd write a sonnet to
463
00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:25,840
the majesty of this ass
464
00:33:36,159 --> 00:33:53,840
that's more like it
465
00:33:39,519 --> 00:33:53,840
might be like this
466
00:34:18,839 --> 00:34:21,839
ugh
467
00:34:46,839 --> 00:34:49,839
oh
468
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,079
oh god
469
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,839
all right you're back
470
00:35:15,359 --> 00:35:31,920
oh there's that good grip
471
00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:45,839
let me know when you're close i want you
472
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:45,839
to come in my mouth
473
00:35:56,839 --> 00:35:59,839
um
474
00:36:10,839 --> 00:36:27,839
um uh
475
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:41,839
well i don't know about you but i need
476
00:36:39,359 --> 00:36:41,839
to hydrate
477
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,839
that behind you
478
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:51,440
don't stay out too long i don't want
479
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:51,440
your junk to get sunburned
480
00:36:52,839 --> 00:37:11,839
[ __ ] thought about that
481
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:14,320
having fun under your statement of the
482
00:37:11,839 --> 00:37:14,320
century
483
00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:23,359
you ready for an odd compliment
484
00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:27,599
hit me you have the sexiest
485
00:37:23,359 --> 00:37:29,119
[ __ ] face i've ever seen really
486
00:37:27,599 --> 00:37:31,440
i try not to think about it while i'm
487
00:37:29,119 --> 00:37:33,599
[ __ ] i'm worried about
488
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:35,119
looking goofy and get self-conscious oh
489
00:37:33,599 --> 00:37:36,640
the lack of self-consciousness is what
490
00:37:35,119 --> 00:37:38,560
makes it so hot
491
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:39,839
that's why most porn does nothing for me
492
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:41,680
most porn stars are
493
00:37:39,839 --> 00:37:42,880
so intent on looking flawlessly
494
00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,320
beautiful that
495
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:46,079
they won't let their faces contort in
496
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:46,800
any way that isn't stereotypically
497
00:37:46,079 --> 00:37:49,920
gorgeous
498
00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:51,280
and an orgasm face is not that so what
499
00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:53,760
you like the
500
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:56,240
grit teeth scrunched facial muscles look
501
00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:56,240
i love it
502
00:37:56,400 --> 00:38:00,000
are you still in the total honesty zone
503
00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:01,359
absolutely
504
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:04,000
i'd like to stick around a little longer
505
00:38:01,359 --> 00:38:07,280
if that's cool with you
506
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:07,280
it's a hundred percent cool
507
00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:13,760
okay i'm gonna need to call my wife
508
00:38:11,119 --> 00:38:15,839
don't use the w word i don't want
509
00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:20,720
reality intruding on my fantasy time
510
00:38:15,839 --> 00:38:23,920
okay i'll need to call my person
511
00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:25,520
better word choice if i say i work at
512
00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:27,680
overtime you should buy me the full
513
00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:30,560
night
514
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:33,839
i'll take you as long as i can get you
515
00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:33,839
i'll get to it then
516
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:38,800
order us some food i don't want to chase
517
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:40,160
you away with my subpar cooking
518
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:47,839
sex skills are more important than
519
00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:47,839
cooking skills my sexual ego thanks
520
00:38:55,760 --> 00:39:00,480
what nothing squinty mcsquinto don't
521
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:02,320
lock my handicap
522
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:04,079
they do have these things called glasses
523
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:06,960
i have them they make me look dorky
524
00:39:04,079 --> 00:39:15,839
no this makes you look dorky don't call
525
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:15,839
your person
526
00:41:58,319 --> 00:42:03,839
all right ready set go
527
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:21,440
not a good loser in case you hadn't
528
00:42:19,839 --> 00:42:24,720
noticed yeah i just did
529
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:27,040
yeah but uh you don't get to uh
530
00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:28,839
quit the race before the finish line
531
00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:30,880
that bad boy up
532
00:42:28,839 --> 00:42:33,920
okay
533
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:36,560
come on cannonball it cannonball
534
00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:36,560
cannonball
535
00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:42,240
oh whoa do you need it
536
00:42:42,319 --> 00:42:45,760
i'm just trying to swallow the phone get
537
00:42:43,599 --> 00:42:49,520
back up the pipe all right
538
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:53,520
you good better
539
00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:53,520
let's do it again god no
540
00:42:53,839 --> 00:43:00,079
next challenge the festivus feats of
541
00:42:57,760 --> 00:43:02,400
strength
542
00:43:00,079 --> 00:43:03,680
armor no no way in hell that's happening
543
00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:05,920
oh come on why not
544
00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:07,920
because i got no upside if i win i beat
545
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:10,079
a chick big deal but if i lose
546
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:11,359
i lose to a chick and then my fragile
547
00:43:10,079 --> 00:43:17,119
male ego shattered
548
00:43:11,359 --> 00:43:19,440
no upside oh do i smell chicken [ __ ]
549
00:43:17,119 --> 00:43:20,720
oh i definitely smell a chicken chicken
550
00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:23,520
calling me chicken [ __ ] it's gonna work
551
00:43:20,720 --> 00:43:23,520
twice in one day
552
00:43:24,839 --> 00:43:31,680
no
553
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:31,680
all right let's go let's go
554
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:41,839
we're ready i can't wait set
555
00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:41,839
go oh look who's going down
556
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:48,430
[Laughter]
557
00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:53,200
the cia got you pushing too many pencils
558
00:43:53,599 --> 00:43:57,200
down she goes boom
559
00:43:57,440 --> 00:44:04,400
[ __ ] i'm strong for a girl though
560
00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:06,839
yeah you are but that's like saying
561
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:09,520
you're smart for an amphibian
562
00:44:06,839 --> 00:44:11,520
so two fingers pick one
563
00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:13,920
i can't have both no you're not worthy
564
00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:13,920
of both
565
00:44:14,079 --> 00:44:20,800
i need a manicure i have you one
566
00:44:17,599 --> 00:44:22,160
no no why not i know again
567
00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:24,319
no come on i've given boyfriends
568
00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:25,440
manicures before one of them even let me
569
00:44:24,319 --> 00:44:27,200
paint his face with makeup yeah where
570
00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:28,800
are those guys now
571
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:30,800
damn defiant that's how you wear their
572
00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:37,839
second dick in a bus stop men's room
573
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:37,839
oh that is entirely possible
574
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:44,720
so next we have
575
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:46,160
the grand cosmic questions of the
576
00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:50,160
universe
577
00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:52,000
okay okay how it works is
578
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:53,280
i ask you a question then you ask me a
579
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:56,640
question then me you
580
00:44:53,280 --> 00:44:57,599
you me creating a volley not like a
581
00:44:56,640 --> 00:45:00,160
verbal tennis match
582
00:44:57,599 --> 00:45:00,800
okay okay so these questions can be
583
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:04,400
either
584
00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:06,800
deep and profound or light and casual
585
00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:08,079
an example of the latter what is your
586
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:11,040
favorite beatles song
587
00:45:08,079 --> 00:45:11,599
oh [ __ ] the beatles i mean [ __ ] the
588
00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:13,280
beatles
589
00:45:11,599 --> 00:45:14,319
i mean [ __ ] the beatles i'm not saying
590
00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:15,839
they suck i'm just saying they're
591
00:45:14,319 --> 00:45:18,240
overrated
592
00:45:15,839 --> 00:45:19,599
okay any band that you like was
593
00:45:18,240 --> 00:45:20,640
influenced by the beatles not talking
594
00:45:19,599 --> 00:45:21,920
about influence i'm talking about the
595
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,680
actual music
596
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:25,440
you can break their career in two halves
597
00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:27,440
all right the first half day
598
00:45:25,440 --> 00:45:29,119
they spent writing candy-ass love songs
599
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:30,880
for teenage girls to scream to
600
00:45:29,119 --> 00:45:32,319
which basically makes them the 1950s
601
00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:33,200
equivalent to justin bieber for the
602
00:45:32,319 --> 00:45:35,839
backstreet boys
603
00:45:33,200 --> 00:45:37,920
jesus second half they spent stoned out
604
00:45:35,839 --> 00:45:38,880
of their minds doing hippy dippy drug
605
00:45:37,920 --> 00:45:40,160
music
606
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:42,720
that is the era where they did their
607
00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:44,960
most profound work oh bullsh yeah right
608
00:45:42,720 --> 00:45:46,560
songs about kaleidoscope skies and girls
609
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:48,560
with marmalade eyes
610
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:49,760
other way around whichever just real
611
00:45:48,560 --> 00:45:51,760
[ __ ] profound okay
612
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:53,359
plus then they added all that indian
613
00:45:51,760 --> 00:45:55,839
string [ __ ] and sitar in
614
00:45:53,359 --> 00:45:56,400
rock and roll is about guitar plain and
615
00:45:55,839 --> 00:45:59,359
simple
616
00:45:56,400 --> 00:46:01,359
no wrong no wrong or wrong right right
617
00:45:59,359 --> 00:46:02,640
right right
618
00:46:01,359 --> 00:46:04,640
which brings me to my question now that
619
00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:06,079
we're talking about the guitar when are
620
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:06,640
we going to get a van halen reunion with
621
00:46:06,079 --> 00:46:10,240
the four
622
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:12,000
original members right after two decades
623
00:46:10,240 --> 00:46:14,000
we finally get roth back and then they
624
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:16,640
fire michael anthony so eddie can jim's
625
00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:18,319
idiot son into the lineup
626
00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:19,760
you know what i'm really holding out for
627
00:46:18,319 --> 00:46:21,119
i'm really holding out for the reunion
628
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:22,000
with their third singer who was that
629
00:46:21,119 --> 00:46:24,400
dopey guy
630
00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:26,800
no what the extreme guy do not
631
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:29,280
disrespect the greatness of gary sharon
632
00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:31,359
oh yeah name one good song from the game
633
00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:32,960
jeremy if i wasn't afraid of boring you
634
00:46:31,359 --> 00:46:34,720
i could sit here and rattle off every
635
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,680
song titled the van halen three much to
636
00:46:34,720 --> 00:46:38,960
my eternal sugar
637
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:42,000
oh eternal chagrin good word choice
638
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:44,960
that's close enough about right
639
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:46,880
so we um going back to the beatles you
640
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:50,160
know what i feel really sorry for
641
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:51,599
john lennon all right
642
00:46:50,160 --> 00:46:52,880
way to go out on the limb there feeling
643
00:46:51,599 --> 00:46:53,520
sorry for the guy that got gunned down
644
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:55,760
in the street
645
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:57,839
no no no no i mean like in terms of like
646
00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:59,200
historical significance
647
00:46:57,839 --> 00:47:02,400
because like when you look back at their
648
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:04,240
stuff like his stuff was the stuff
649
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:05,760
that like and like his stuff versus
650
00:47:04,240 --> 00:47:07,520
mccartney stuff his stuff is the stuff
651
00:47:05,760 --> 00:47:08,400
that really dated you're saying one word
652
00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:12,160
again
653
00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:15,760
over and over his stuff is the stuff
654
00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:17,520
that really dated the most like
655
00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:18,960
when you look at mccartney stuff it's
656
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:19,359
about stuff that's always going to be
657
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:22,960
there
658
00:47:19,359 --> 00:47:25,680
like love and regret 50 years from now
659
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:27,280
some trucker's gonna put yesterday on
660
00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:30,240
his ipod 27
661
00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:32,800
and just cry like a baby but when you
662
00:47:30,240 --> 00:47:35,200
listen to lennon's you know imagine
663
00:47:32,800 --> 00:47:36,000
you kind of want to go oh that's sweet
664
00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:37,440
world please
665
00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:38,960
run along and play the adults are
666
00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:40,319
talking that is exactly what i was
667
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:42,400
trying to say five minutes ago
668
00:47:40,319 --> 00:47:43,599
no you said they sucked no i didn't i
669
00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:45,440
said they were overrated
670
00:47:43,599 --> 00:47:47,359
okay well the overrated is different
671
00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:47,920
than dated data doesn't have the same
672
00:47:47,359 --> 00:47:51,359
negative
673
00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:55,760
connotations whose turn is it
674
00:47:51,359 --> 00:47:58,319
it's your turn go quick um
675
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:59,520
when you were a kid okay when you were a
676
00:47:58,319 --> 00:48:02,079
kid did you ever have the nickname
677
00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:05,599
spruce goose bruce
678
00:48:02,079 --> 00:48:06,240
yes really no ask a dumb question get a
679
00:48:05,599 --> 00:48:08,079
sarcastic
680
00:48:06,240 --> 00:48:10,720
answer my turn okay well what about
681
00:48:08,079 --> 00:48:13,520
loose caboose what about my turn
682
00:48:10,720 --> 00:48:14,720
all right why do midgets hate being
683
00:48:13,520 --> 00:48:17,760
called midgets
684
00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:19,359
huh like they prefer little person
685
00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:20,400
that's so condescending oh a little
686
00:48:19,359 --> 00:48:22,160
person
687
00:48:20,400 --> 00:48:23,760
that's terrible and dwarf that makes you
688
00:48:22,160 --> 00:48:26,800
sound like a cartoon
689
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:27,680
but [ __ ] is a strong word isn't it two
690
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:31,040
syllables
691
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:33,520
short strong
692
00:48:31,040 --> 00:48:34,640
it's like it sounds like hatchet [ __ ]
693
00:48:33,520 --> 00:48:38,480
hatchet
694
00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:40,240
small but lethal right
695
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:42,559
tell me i'm wrong it's a stronger
696
00:48:40,240 --> 00:48:45,200
sounding word
697
00:48:42,559 --> 00:48:47,040
okay my safe answer to that is just call
698
00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:49,040
them little people and don't ever ask
699
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:51,839
that in mixed and judgmental companies
700
00:48:49,040 --> 00:48:53,520
whatever it's a good word you should
701
00:48:51,839 --> 00:48:58,480
enjoy it
702
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:58,480
okay own it next topic
703
00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:05,440
men in urinals oh
704
00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:06,800
two of my favorite toppings two-part
705
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:10,319
question
706
00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:12,240
first is it true that you have to keep a
707
00:49:10,319 --> 00:49:14,839
one buffer
708
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:16,880
urinal between you and the guy next to
709
00:49:14,839 --> 00:49:20,000
you and
710
00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:22,319
part two if that's true are you really
711
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:25,680
worried about him looking at your junk
712
00:49:22,319 --> 00:49:27,200
no okay there's an unspoken rule
713
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:29,280
that if there's a wall full of empty
714
00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:30,000
urinals you don't go sidling up to the
715
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:33,040
one other guy
716
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:34,880
there that's [ __ ] weird but if you're
717
00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:36,400
at a concert or something like a crowded
718
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:37,920
event like a football game
719
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:40,160
like all that [ __ ] goes out the window
720
00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:40,880
you have guys crossing streams in the
721
00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:44,400
same stall
722
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:45,680
pissing in the sink what it's not like
723
00:49:44,400 --> 00:49:47,599
it's just another drain it's like your
724
00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:48,720
fingers touch the drain when you're
725
00:49:47,599 --> 00:49:50,000
washing your hands yeah what about
726
00:49:48,720 --> 00:49:51,359
droplet splash that's got to get all
727
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:53,839
over the faucet and the knobs
728
00:49:51,359 --> 00:49:55,040
well you're in a sterile anyway and they
729
00:49:53,839 --> 00:49:57,200
say you could drink it if you were
730
00:49:55,040 --> 00:50:00,240
stranded on a desert island
731
00:49:57,200 --> 00:50:03,520
who says that they
732
00:50:00,240 --> 00:50:06,319
scientists and [ __ ] oh they they
733
00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:06,319
yes they
734
00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:12,480
okay all this talk of urine has my
735
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:16,400
bladder in the red alert zone
736
00:50:12,480 --> 00:50:18,960
i shall return for the warning
737
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:22,079
always the wise ass never the wiser my
738
00:50:18,960 --> 00:50:22,079
mother used to say that
739
00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:30,720
that is that it
740
00:50:28,240 --> 00:50:32,240
i sounded like there was gonna be more
741
00:50:30,720 --> 00:50:41,839
to that sentence
742
00:50:32,240 --> 00:50:41,839
i guess not
743
00:51:06,839 --> 00:51:12,559
so
744
00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:15,119
it's shelby mr bruce did you turn the
745
00:51:12,559 --> 00:51:16,640
water on so i wouldn't hear you pee
746
00:51:15,119 --> 00:51:18,319
shut up i was trying to be demure and
747
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:20,160
ladylike
748
00:51:18,319 --> 00:51:22,240
well i will pay you the same favor only
749
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:22,960
you can switch gentlemanly and refine
750
00:51:22,240 --> 00:51:37,839
for demure
751
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:37,839
and ladylike done and done
752
00:52:01,359 --> 00:52:05,920
can i hold your gun that's not a toy
753
00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:07,599
no i know i told you i have one of my
754
00:52:05,920 --> 00:52:08,960
own i did all the basic safety courses
755
00:52:07,599 --> 00:52:12,960
what kind of gun do you have
756
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:15,280
38 revolver yeah
757
00:52:12,960 --> 00:52:17,599
you ever shove an automatic nope what's
758
00:52:15,280 --> 00:52:19,839
the difference it's more of a kick to it
759
00:52:17,599 --> 00:52:22,000
plus the cocking slide makes for pretty
760
00:52:19,839 --> 00:52:26,480
badass punctuation to cool one-liners
761
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:30,839
yeah example all right
762
00:52:26,480 --> 00:52:32,880
you ain't seen bad yet son but it's
763
00:52:30,839 --> 00:52:36,240
coming
764
00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:47,470
cool can i try
765
00:52:36,240 --> 00:52:49,440
yeah let me get set up great
766
00:52:47,470 --> 00:52:54,880
[Applause]
767
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:54,880
all set cowgirl okay um
768
00:52:55,359 --> 00:53:01,839
hey scumbag here comes a special
769
00:52:58,839 --> 00:53:01,839
delivery
770
00:53:02,319 --> 00:53:09,280
um hey scumbag here comes a lead
771
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:12,880
sandwich special delivery there it is
772
00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:12,880
how was that that was a good start
773
00:53:12,960 --> 00:53:16,000
i do it again yeah let's build on that
774
00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:19,599
no no just
775
00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:21,440
tell me um okay so right there
776
00:53:19,599 --> 00:53:23,760
that button is the clip release do that
777
00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:25,119
first carefully i know
778
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:26,559
and there's still a live round in the
779
00:53:25,119 --> 00:53:27,200
chamber so you want to slide that back
780
00:53:26,559 --> 00:53:28,220
and let it pop
781
00:53:27,200 --> 00:53:30,720
out
782
00:53:28,220 --> 00:53:33,280
[Music]
783
00:53:30,720 --> 00:53:35,520
and then i just slide the clip back in
784
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:35,520
yep
785
00:53:36,559 --> 00:53:42,720
okay what you doing
786
00:53:41,280 --> 00:53:44,400
got another piece of equipment i want
787
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:49,280
you to try oh yeah yeah
788
00:53:44,400 --> 00:53:51,520
oh no you gotta sit first
789
00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:51,520
okay
790
00:54:15,680 --> 00:54:20,880
do i need to be worried about this do
791
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:20,880
you think you need to be worried
792
00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:25,839
good because you know
793
00:54:31,280 --> 00:54:36,559
i told you how beautiful you were in the
794
00:54:32,559 --> 00:54:36,559
last five minutes you're slipping
795
00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:39,839
you're beautiful
796
00:54:42,079 --> 00:54:44,720
you're beautiful
797
00:54:50,839 --> 00:54:53,839
beautiful
798
00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:21,839
i want my arms around you let's do that
799
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:21,839
stay where they are
800
00:55:32,839 --> 00:55:35,839
so
801
00:55:46,839 --> 00:55:49,839
oh
802
00:56:00,839 --> 00:56:03,839
ugh
803
00:56:56,839 --> 00:56:59,839
um
804
00:57:12,079 --> 00:57:14,319
oh
805
00:57:20,079 --> 00:57:27,839
too hard
806
00:57:48,720 --> 00:57:52,839
oh no just just keep going seriously
807
00:57:51,359 --> 00:57:55,839
yeah
808
00:57:52,839 --> 00:57:55,839
seriously
809
00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:03,359
no wait wait wait hold on a second why
810
00:58:01,920 --> 00:58:05,920
there's a problem and i want to see if i
811
00:58:03,359 --> 00:58:07,359
can fix it easily
812
00:58:05,920 --> 00:58:10,480
if it's a fuse or something i can fix it
813
00:58:07,359 --> 00:58:13,520
really quick you're such a guy
814
00:58:10,480 --> 00:58:16,000
wow what an insult i want to be able to
815
00:58:13,520 --> 00:58:16,000
look at you
816
00:58:20,160 --> 00:58:24,000
oh wow it's not just us little street's
817
00:58:23,359 --> 00:58:26,160
out
818
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:27,359
oh there's a flashlight by the microwave
819
00:58:26,160 --> 00:58:29,200
on the counter
820
00:58:27,359 --> 00:58:31,680
i get it myself but i'm a little tied up
821
00:58:29,200 --> 00:58:37,839
at the moment
822
00:58:31,680 --> 00:58:37,839
master jokes are you okay yeah
823
00:58:43,119 --> 00:58:47,440
it's okay i needed new retinas anyway
824
00:58:45,680 --> 00:58:49,359
ugh
825
00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:52,400
uh get uh uncuffed me i'll take out some
826
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,400
candles okay
827
00:58:59,359 --> 00:59:05,839
what uh nothing
828
00:59:02,559 --> 00:59:06,720
i just seem to find the keys tell me
829
00:59:05,839 --> 00:59:11,200
you're kidding
830
00:59:06,720 --> 00:59:14,720
i wish i was um i just hope
831
00:59:11,200 --> 00:59:16,000
no you just hope what
832
00:59:14,720 --> 00:59:19,839
i just hope i didn't lose him in the
833
00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:19,839
woods when we were hiking
834
00:59:20,799 --> 00:59:26,559
okay starting to stress here don't worry
835
00:59:24,960 --> 00:59:28,799
they almost have to be in this room
836
00:59:26,559 --> 00:59:30,799
somewhere you know this is where i got
837
00:59:28,799 --> 00:59:33,839
dressed and undressed the most they
838
00:59:30,799 --> 00:59:33,839
probably just fill out let me go
839
00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:39,280
hey uh growing up did you ever have the
840
00:59:37,920 --> 00:59:42,079
nickname uh
841
00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:42,720
orange juice bruce no did you ever have
842
00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:47,599
the nickname
843
00:59:42,720 --> 00:59:49,359
shelby yeah what come on
844
00:59:47,599 --> 00:59:50,960
i got nothing yeah that's one of the
845
00:59:49,359 --> 00:59:52,400
benefits of being named shelby nothing
846
00:59:50,960 --> 00:59:54,160
rhymes with it
847
00:59:52,400 --> 00:59:56,160
though of course in high school there
848
00:59:54,160 --> 00:59:58,079
was a girl named alison dembrowski and
849
00:59:56,160 --> 01:00:00,720
she came up with shelby shelby can go to
850
00:59:58,079 --> 01:00:02,720
[ __ ] helby that's creative
851
01:00:00,720 --> 01:00:04,480
no it's not creative it's mean i mean i
852
01:00:02,720 --> 01:00:06,079
got off easier than a lot of girls
853
01:00:04,480 --> 01:00:07,760
there was this one fat girl named
854
01:00:06,079 --> 01:00:09,440
michelle clark and
855
01:00:07,760 --> 01:00:11,280
then allison nailed her with the
856
01:00:09,440 --> 01:00:12,480
nickname moby clark so everywhere she
857
01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:16,880
went she would yell
858
01:00:12,480 --> 01:00:17,760
heart kirk crowded cafeterias sidewalks
859
01:00:16,880 --> 01:00:19,280
everywhere
860
01:00:17,760 --> 01:00:21,839
and then there was this girl named ellen
861
01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:23,920
zabriskie she had terrible personal
862
01:00:21,839 --> 01:00:27,119
hygiene so she had greasy hair and
863
01:00:23,920 --> 01:00:30,240
bad acne and alison nailed her with
864
01:00:27,119 --> 01:00:31,839
zit zabriskie so you just had to feel
865
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:33,440
terrible for both of them both her and
866
01:00:31,839 --> 01:00:34,640
moby clark
867
01:00:33,440 --> 01:00:36,079
i wonder what happened to allison i
868
01:00:34,640 --> 01:00:37,680
wonder if she like mellowed out as she
869
01:00:36,079 --> 01:00:39,200
got older if she has turned into a giant
870
01:00:37,680 --> 01:00:42,559
mega [ __ ] are you chief
871
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:44,319
yeah you're babbling yeah i know
872
01:00:42,559 --> 01:00:45,520
i'm just trying to hold off the anxiety
873
01:00:44,319 --> 01:00:46,799
attack that i see right there on the
874
01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:50,160
horizon
875
01:00:46,799 --> 01:00:51,119
are you really gonna freak out no no why
876
01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:54,319
would i freak out
877
01:00:51,119 --> 01:00:56,960
i am just handcuffed to a chair 90
878
01:00:54,319 --> 01:00:58,880
naked with a man i just met and the man
879
01:00:56,960 --> 01:01:01,200
carries a high caliber firearm
880
01:00:58,880 --> 01:01:02,720
why would i be freaking out how you
881
01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:04,880
doing with those keys there
882
01:01:02,720 --> 01:01:07,599
oh captain my captain i actually found
883
01:01:04,880 --> 01:01:07,599
him a while ago
884
01:01:08,400 --> 01:01:13,440
i want to insult you but i'm going to
885
01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:17,839
wait till i get loose good strategy
886
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:17,839
hold still oh
887
01:01:20,079 --> 01:01:29,119
get this one yeah got a match yep
888
01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:30,480
my butt and your face so hilarious
889
01:01:29,119 --> 01:01:32,880
it's been so long since i've been able
890
01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:36,000
to use that one think about it how often
891
01:01:32,880 --> 01:01:40,079
do you get asked for a match these days
892
01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:40,079
just give me the match giggling doofus
893
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:48,480
uh you just don't appreciate fine
894
01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:48,480
sophisticated humor yeah what if i heard
895
01:01:50,839 --> 01:01:57,119
something
896
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:57,119
i'm at the bathroom real quick okay
897
01:02:04,720 --> 01:02:09,359
what have we done when was the last time
898
01:02:07,119 --> 01:02:12,559
you played checkers by candlelight
899
01:02:09,359 --> 01:02:15,680
oh around 2 000 never
900
01:02:12,559 --> 01:02:17,520
team good i'll get to kick someone
901
01:02:15,680 --> 01:02:21,039
else's butt for a change it's usually my
902
01:02:17,520 --> 01:02:25,680
son kicking mine
903
01:02:21,039 --> 01:02:28,799
okay okay i'll go first
904
01:02:25,680 --> 01:02:30,480
um speaking of my son you were a little
905
01:02:28,799 --> 01:02:34,400
boy once right
906
01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:35,680
a long time ago so let me ask you
907
01:02:34,400 --> 01:02:38,160
something that whole thing with the
908
01:02:35,680 --> 01:02:39,280
pounding bullets with the hammer earlier
909
01:02:38,160 --> 01:02:41,520
is that something i need to be worried
910
01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:43,280
about
911
01:02:41,520 --> 01:02:45,119
what is it like school shooter and
912
01:02:43,280 --> 01:02:48,400
training [ __ ]
913
01:02:45,119 --> 01:02:50,000
yeah something like that no that's just
914
01:02:48,400 --> 01:02:51,760
little boy [ __ ]
915
01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:53,680
when i was a kid me and my friends put
916
01:02:51,760 --> 01:02:55,839
an m80 in a coffee can
917
01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:56,880
the idea being that it would shoot it
918
01:02:55,839 --> 01:03:00,400
straight up in the air
919
01:02:56,880 --> 01:03:01,359
50 feet like a rocket no instead it blew
920
01:03:00,400 --> 01:03:03,200
completely apart
921
01:03:01,359 --> 01:03:04,799
like a fragmentation grenade sent all
922
01:03:03,200 --> 01:03:05,839
these flying pieces of shrapnel
923
01:03:04,799 --> 01:03:08,799
everywhere
924
01:03:05,839 --> 01:03:09,920
lucky it didn't cut us in half okay i
925
01:03:08,799 --> 01:03:12,160
know you mean well but you're not
926
01:03:09,920 --> 01:03:14,839
exactly making me feel better here
927
01:03:12,160 --> 01:03:16,720
i'm just saying that little boys are
928
01:03:14,839 --> 01:03:19,200
stupid and god tends to have pity on
929
01:03:16,720 --> 01:03:19,200
stupid
930
01:03:20,799 --> 01:03:24,079
but as long as we're going back to
931
01:03:22,400 --> 01:03:28,640
things from earlier you said
932
01:03:24,079 --> 01:03:28,640
uh your brother set you up on a date
933
01:03:28,839 --> 01:03:34,240
yeah bad i take it
934
01:03:32,319 --> 01:03:36,400
it wasn't bad it wasn't like any big
935
01:03:34,240 --> 01:03:38,240
disaster or anything
936
01:03:36,400 --> 01:03:40,319
it was just 40 minutes of small talk it
937
01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:44,079
ended with a loose armed hug
938
01:03:40,319 --> 01:03:48,000
yeah i've had a couple of those
939
01:03:44,079 --> 01:03:50,559
there was this one thing though he
940
01:03:48,000 --> 01:03:52,000
he would do this thing where he would he
941
01:03:50,559 --> 01:03:54,000
would chew with his mouth closed but he
942
01:03:52,000 --> 01:03:55,920
wouldn't fully swallow every bite before
943
01:03:54,000 --> 01:03:57,760
he would shovel the next bite in
944
01:03:55,920 --> 01:03:59,760
so there was like always this like
945
01:03:57,760 --> 01:04:01,119
chewed piece of food
946
01:03:59,760 --> 01:04:03,920
in his mouth like there's only
947
01:04:01,119 --> 01:04:05,520
swallowing part of it
948
01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:07,280
it was a petty thing to focus on but it
949
01:04:05,520 --> 01:04:08,799
drove me nuts no no
950
01:04:07,280 --> 01:04:11,119
it's the little things that can really
951
01:04:08,799 --> 01:04:12,640
suck sometimes i once dated this girl
952
01:04:11,119 --> 01:04:14,160
and before we went out she just painted
953
01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:16,720
her nails but
954
01:04:14,160 --> 01:04:19,200
she left all this excess polish like all
955
01:04:16,720 --> 01:04:21,119
over her cuticles and her fingers
956
01:04:19,200 --> 01:04:22,720
it looked like my four-year-old does it
957
01:04:21,119 --> 01:04:24,880
and so the whole time i'm just glancing
958
01:04:22,720 --> 01:04:26,720
at her fingers thinking
959
01:04:24,880 --> 01:04:28,720
does she even know how bad that looks or
960
01:04:26,720 --> 01:04:31,760
does she know and just not care
961
01:04:28,720 --> 01:04:32,799
like what is that hmm where'd you meet
962
01:04:31,760 --> 01:04:35,280
that winner
963
01:04:32,799 --> 01:04:38,079
internet dating how else do people meet
964
01:04:35,280 --> 01:04:38,079
each other nowadays
965
01:04:39,039 --> 01:04:43,680
what i just have a hard time picturing
966
01:04:41,839 --> 01:04:48,880
you computer dating
967
01:04:43,680 --> 01:04:50,559
why i'm a modern 21st century man
968
01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:52,720
i'll tell you what though it totally
969
01:04:50,559 --> 01:04:54,559
destroyed that whole manor shower
970
01:04:52,720 --> 01:04:56,960
more shower than women cliche oh
971
01:04:54,559 --> 01:04:58,400
[ __ ] bull true
972
01:04:56,960 --> 01:05:00,000
men are show about looks and weight
973
01:04:58,400 --> 01:05:01,839
women are shallow about looks weight
974
01:05:00,000 --> 01:05:03,920
height and income
975
01:05:01,839 --> 01:05:06,319
so you date a woman taller than you yeah
976
01:05:03,920 --> 01:05:07,920
for sure she was hot enough for sure
977
01:05:06,319 --> 01:05:09,520
have you ever seen those amazon chicks
978
01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:10,400
that uh play for the olympic volleyball
979
01:05:09,520 --> 01:05:12,400
team
980
01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:14,720
any one of them would [ __ ] you in half
981
01:05:12,400 --> 01:05:17,200
yeah i know but what a proud and noble
982
01:05:14,720 --> 01:05:17,200
way to go
983
01:05:19,599 --> 01:05:23,839
you you said you have a four-year-old
984
01:05:24,799 --> 01:05:32,319
yeah is that your only kid
985
01:05:28,319 --> 01:05:36,400
no i have a three-year-old too
986
01:05:32,319 --> 01:05:41,920
hence the vasectomy both girls
987
01:05:36,400 --> 01:05:41,920
one of each what are their names
988
01:05:44,799 --> 01:05:48,960
come on a couple of hours ago i had your
989
01:05:47,440 --> 01:05:52,160
balls in my mouth you don't get to play
990
01:05:48,960 --> 01:05:52,160
the too personal card
991
01:05:53,520 --> 01:06:04,000
it's not that it's too personal i just
992
01:05:57,520 --> 01:06:06,240
don't like talking about it with anyone
993
01:06:04,000 --> 01:06:09,359
for some reason i always have to i
994
01:06:06,240 --> 01:06:09,359
always feel like i have to
995
01:06:09,839 --> 01:06:13,599
say how great everything is going
996
01:06:13,680 --> 01:06:22,480
when i usually don't feel that way i
997
01:06:19,359 --> 01:06:26,319
i usually feel like a fraud
998
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:26,319
who has no idea what he's doing
999
01:06:26,480 --> 01:06:33,839
we all feel that way sometimes yeah but
1000
01:06:29,680 --> 01:06:33,839
with me it's not sometimes
1001
01:06:35,039 --> 01:06:37,520
i don't know
1002
01:06:39,039 --> 01:06:42,079
it's hard to admit
1003
01:06:44,240 --> 01:06:47,839
she never worries
1004
01:06:49,200 --> 01:06:53,440
and i worry so much to the point that
1005
01:06:53,599 --> 01:06:57,280
i never get to enjoy the process
1006
01:06:58,240 --> 01:07:01,440
i honestly can't remember the last time
1007
01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:04,079
i felt happy
1008
01:07:01,440 --> 01:07:04,079
about it all
1009
01:07:06,079 --> 01:07:14,880
it's like the way i'm supposed to feel
1010
01:07:11,520 --> 01:07:18,480
and the way i actually feel
1011
01:07:14,880 --> 01:07:18,480
are two very separate things
1012
01:07:20,880 --> 01:07:26,559
she'll show me a cute picture or video
1013
01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:26,559
of the kids
1014
01:07:27,039 --> 01:07:32,799
and i know the reaction that she wants
1015
01:07:29,839 --> 01:07:32,799
and i give it to her
1016
01:07:33,280 --> 01:07:36,559
but i'm totally faking it
1017
01:07:37,280 --> 01:07:43,839
and i feel like [ __ ] because i'm faking
1018
01:07:40,839 --> 01:07:43,839
it
1019
01:07:45,760 --> 01:07:50,640
i guess i always feel like [ __ ] about
1020
01:07:47,359 --> 01:07:50,640
some aspect of it
1021
01:07:53,200 --> 01:07:56,720
it makes me sound like an [ __ ]
1022
01:07:54,400 --> 01:08:00,960
doesn't it
1023
01:07:56,720 --> 01:08:02,160
no no it makes you sound like someone
1024
01:08:00,960 --> 01:08:03,760
who
1025
01:08:02,160 --> 01:08:05,520
had a hole in their life who filled it
1026
01:08:03,760 --> 01:08:11,200
with what they thought they should
1027
01:08:05,520 --> 01:08:15,760
or with what someone expected them to
1028
01:08:11,200 --> 01:08:15,760
yeah that is kind of it i guess
1029
01:08:18,719 --> 01:08:25,839
i still think it makes me less of a man
1030
01:08:20,560 --> 01:08:25,839
in some way
1031
01:08:26,560 --> 01:08:31,040
we all like to think that we're these
1032
01:08:29,199 --> 01:08:34,719
perfect angels of virtue
1033
01:08:31,040 --> 01:08:36,839
but really we're just
1034
01:08:34,719 --> 01:08:39,839
flawed train wrecks barely keeping it
1035
01:08:36,839 --> 01:08:39,839
together
1036
01:08:40,640 --> 01:08:45,679
i know when my husband was dying
1037
01:08:46,159 --> 01:08:49,920
at the end when things were at their
1038
01:08:47,600 --> 01:08:49,920
worst
1039
01:08:50,400 --> 01:08:54,560
i wasn't there for him as much as i
1040
01:08:52,080 --> 01:08:54,560
should have been
1041
01:08:54,799 --> 01:08:58,080
there were some days that i just
1042
01:08:58,640 --> 01:09:01,359
couldn't handle it
1043
01:09:02,799 --> 01:09:06,640
i wonder what he must have thought on
1044
01:09:04,000 --> 01:09:10,239
those days when i just
1045
01:09:06,640 --> 01:09:12,319
didn't show up how much that must have
1046
01:09:10,239 --> 01:09:14,799
hurt even though he never
1047
01:09:12,319 --> 01:09:14,799
showed it
1048
01:09:18,159 --> 01:09:21,839
oh that's family
1049
01:09:22,480 --> 01:09:27,759
we [ __ ] up we forgive each other
1050
01:09:27,839 --> 01:09:38,480
we [ __ ] up again
1051
01:09:34,159 --> 01:09:40,640
yeah it's just not an easy truth to live
1052
01:09:38,480 --> 01:09:40,640
with
1053
01:09:43,279 --> 01:09:51,920
well of course i never met the guy but
1054
01:09:48,640 --> 01:09:51,920
with him getting to marry you
1055
01:09:52,000 --> 01:09:58,159
start a family with you and wake up
1056
01:09:55,280 --> 01:09:58,159
every morning to you
1057
01:09:59,040 --> 01:10:03,840
i bet he probably died a pretty happy
1058
01:10:00,719 --> 01:10:03,840
and satisfied man
1059
01:10:05,920 --> 01:10:08,159
well
1060
01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:31,840
lean over what
1061
01:10:16,719 --> 01:10:31,840
kiss break
1062
01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:34,880
get used to this
1063
01:10:41,520 --> 01:10:46,480
but then
1064
01:10:44,719 --> 01:10:48,719
can you remember we only have a few
1065
01:10:46,480 --> 01:10:51,199
hours until daylight and reality hits us
1066
01:10:48,719 --> 01:10:51,199
in the face
1067
01:10:51,840 --> 01:10:58,960
yeah back to perspective
1068
01:10:57,040 --> 01:11:01,360
a few hours can be a lifetime if we use
1069
01:10:58,960 --> 01:11:01,360
it right
1070
01:11:03,840 --> 01:11:13,840
for example
1071
01:11:38,840 --> 01:11:41,840
um
1072
01:11:52,840 --> 01:12:09,840
uh ugh
1073
01:12:34,840 --> 01:12:37,840
no
1074
01:12:41,120 --> 01:12:43,840
it's amazing
1075
01:12:47,360 --> 01:12:51,840
it's better than any truck
1076
01:13:04,000 --> 01:13:06,480
it's fine
1077
01:13:09,199 --> 01:13:33,840
thank you
1078
01:13:18,080 --> 01:13:33,840
just the feeling
1079
01:13:44,840 --> 01:14:01,840
crazy
1080
01:13:47,600 --> 01:14:01,840
tell me
1081
01:14:12,840 --> 01:14:15,840
ah
1082
01:14:20,900 --> 01:14:26,970
[Laughter]
1083
01:14:54,840 --> 01:14:57,840
ugh
1084
01:15:10,560 --> 01:15:25,840
let's see
1085
01:15:36,880 --> 01:15:39,840
c
1086
01:15:50,840 --> 01:15:53,840
you
1087
01:16:32,840 --> 01:16:35,840
okay
1088
01:17:00,840 --> 01:17:03,840
um
1089
01:17:14,840 --> 01:17:17,840
everything
1090
01:17:42,840 --> 01:17:45,840
so
1091
01:17:48,000 --> 01:17:59,840
are you awake
1092
01:18:01,280 --> 01:18:04,400
how soon do you have to leave
1093
01:18:04,560 --> 01:18:06,880
soon
1094
01:18:08,159 --> 01:18:13,840
now ish actually
1095
01:18:21,040 --> 01:18:27,840
i'll be right back
1096
01:18:46,310 --> 01:18:49,879
[Music]
1097
01:18:50,560 --> 01:18:57,040
so yeah
1098
01:18:55,679 --> 01:18:59,840
what do you see happening after you go
1099
01:18:57,040 --> 01:18:59,840
down that driveway
1100
01:19:02,000 --> 01:19:05,360
total honesty
1101
01:19:03,960 --> 01:19:07,760
[Music]
1102
01:19:05,360 --> 01:19:09,199
i see you picking up your son and i see
1103
01:19:07,760 --> 01:19:12,080
me going back to my family
1104
01:19:09,199 --> 01:19:12,960
and i see the both of us going back to
1105
01:19:12,080 --> 01:19:14,719
our normal
1106
01:19:12,960 --> 01:19:16,719
boring routines and our normal boring
1107
01:19:14,719 --> 01:19:20,480
problems and if at some point i should
1108
01:19:16,719 --> 01:19:22,560
run into you in town then smile at you
1109
01:19:20,480 --> 01:19:25,920
if i'm by myself and if i'm with my wife
1110
01:19:22,560 --> 01:19:27,760
then i'll avoid eye contact and
1111
01:19:25,920 --> 01:19:29,600
the both of us will hold on to our time
1112
01:19:27,760 --> 01:19:31,760
together as a
1113
01:19:29,600 --> 01:19:33,920
treasured secret that we used to get us
1114
01:19:31,760 --> 01:19:38,159
through the sad times
1115
01:19:33,920 --> 01:19:39,679
so you want to happen god no what
1116
01:19:38,159 --> 01:19:42,400
what i wanted to go on feeling the way i
1117
01:19:39,679 --> 01:19:43,840
felt for the last 24 hours
1118
01:19:42,400 --> 01:19:46,400
i'm not gonna be able to talk you into
1119
01:19:43,840 --> 01:19:46,400
this am i
1120
01:19:46,560 --> 01:19:53,360
no i don't know
1121
01:19:50,320 --> 01:19:53,360
not right now anyway
1122
01:19:55,360 --> 01:20:05,840
all right then
1123
01:20:10,400 --> 01:20:15,840
stay with me and that means exactly what
1124
01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:17,920
you think it does
1125
01:20:15,840 --> 01:20:19,280
that's a tempting offer but there's no
1126
01:20:17,920 --> 01:20:22,639
way i can do that
1127
01:20:19,280 --> 01:20:24,159
sure you can i'm not drunk and i'm not
1128
01:20:22,639 --> 01:20:25,760
crazy
1129
01:20:24,159 --> 01:20:28,320
yeah that's exactly what someone drunk
1130
01:20:25,760 --> 01:20:29,679
or crazy would say
1131
01:20:28,320 --> 01:20:33,840
let's take a leap of faith that we're
1132
01:20:29,679 --> 01:20:33,840
both good people
1133
01:20:46,500 --> 01:20:49,600
[Music]
1134
01:20:49,679 --> 01:20:53,360
i don't take advantage the only thing
1135
01:20:51,840 --> 01:21:00,190
you'd be taking advantage of is my
1136
01:20:53,360 --> 01:21:03,370
moment of clarity
1137
01:21:00,190 --> 01:21:03,370
[Music]
1138
01:21:28,360 --> 01:21:31,640
[Music]
1139
01:22:08,840 --> 01:22:11,840
um
1140
01:22:22,850 --> 01:22:26,049
[Music]
1141
01:22:41,679 --> 01:22:44,560
hey judith it's me
1142
01:22:44,719 --> 01:22:47,840
uh yeah um i just wanted to let you know
1143
01:22:46,719 --> 01:22:52,239
that i'm gonna be over to pick up josh
1144
01:22:47,840 --> 01:22:53,920
in about an hour
1145
01:22:52,239 --> 01:22:55,920
yeah um we can get everyone together
1146
01:22:53,920 --> 01:22:59,120
tonight sure
1147
01:22:55,920 --> 01:22:59,120
yeah pizza and a movie sound good
1148
01:22:59,679 --> 01:23:04,239
okay um yeah i'll give dawn a call too
1149
01:23:05,199 --> 01:23:07,840
okay
1150
01:23:09,520 --> 01:23:14,960
uh yeah thanks um
1151
01:23:13,120 --> 01:23:17,679
it was really good um the best night
1152
01:23:14,960 --> 01:23:17,679
i've had in a while
1153
01:23:18,080 --> 01:23:21,840
okay i'll see in a bit
1154
01:24:00,840 --> 01:24:03,840
okay
1155
01:24:14,840 --> 01:24:17,840
ugh
1156
01:24:18,460 --> 01:24:22,319
[Applause]
1157
01:24:24,580 --> 01:24:27,680
[Applause]
1158
01:24:39,590 --> 01:24:42,919
[Music]
1159
01:24:45,750 --> 01:24:51,010
[Music]
1160
01:24:51,199 --> 01:24:59,840
ah let's show you
1161
01:25:01,820 --> 01:25:07,350
[Music]
1162
01:25:10,840 --> 01:25:13,840
so
1163
01:25:23,280 --> 01:25:27,840
[Music]
1164
01:25:24,840 --> 01:25:27,840
so
1165
01:25:30,000 --> 01:25:32,080
you
72795
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