Original subtitles

(♪ "GOLDEN YEARS" BY MARILYN MANSON PLAYING)

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Gold Whop whop whop ♪

♪ Don't let me hear you say Life's taking you nowhere ♪

♪ Angel ♪

♪ Come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ Look at the sky Life's begun ♪

♪ The nights are warm And the days are young ♪

♪ Come, get up, my baby

♪ There's my baby Lost, that's all ♪

♪ Once I'm beggin' you Save her little soul ♪

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Gold Whop whop whop ♪

♪ Come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ Last night, they loved you ♪

♪ Opening doors And pulling some strings ♪

♪ Angel ♪

♪ Come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ In walked luck And you looked in time ♪

♪ Never look back Walk tall, act fine ♪

♪ Come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ I'll stick with you, baby For a thousand years ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna touch you In these golden years ♪

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Gold Whop whop whop ♪

♪ Come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ Run for the shadows Run for the shadows ♪

♪ Run for the shadows In these golden years ♪

♪ Some of these days And it won't be long ♪

♪ Gonna drive back down Where you once belonged ♪

♪ In the back of A dream car, 20-foot long ♪

♪ Don't cry, my sweet Don't break my heart ♪

♪ Doin' all right But you gotta get smart ♪

♪ Wish upon wish upon Day upon day ♪

♪ I believe, O Lord I believe all the way ♪

♪ Look at my baby, lost That's all ♪

♪ Once I'm beggin' you Save her little soul ♪

Don't lose it.

♪ Get up, my baby Run for the shadows ♪

♪ Run for the shadows Run for the shadows ♪

♪ In these golden years ♪

♪ Come, get up, my baby ♪

PRINCIPAL: Your work study is in the housing office.

Six-year medical program. Biology, organic chemistry,

full academic scholarship?

Yeah. I want to keep focused on my career track.

Okay, but this is a lot of credits.

Be sure you don't fall behind.

I think I can handle it.

♪ I'll stick with you, baby For a thousand years ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna touch you In these golden years ♪

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

BOY: Mom, look, I...

I don't know what to tell you.

Dudes.

It didn't go as far as I thought.

Boy, stop!

Hi. - Hey.

(ALTERNATIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

ZEKE: Dad, why are you going through my stuff?

And Ma, why are you putting the flannel sheets on?

It's September. You want me to sweat my ass off?

Could you guys go?

(MUSIC STOPS)

(HAMMERING)

KYLE: What do you want?

JOSH: You must be one of my roommates.

I'm Josh. KYLE: The single's mine.

I called it.

JOSH: That seems fair.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

I don't have time to cook for myself.

GIRL: Yeah, I know. (CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

GIRL 2: Hey, do you want to sit on this other side?

Oh, sorry. - Mm.

GIRL 1: So, anyway... God, I'm starving.

GIRL 22 Me, too.

GIRL 1: He lets you out early every class.

GIRL 2: Really? GIRL 3: Mm-hmm.

BOY: I'm going to sign up for that.

(BONG BUBBLING)

(MAN INHALING)

Huh?

Hola.

What are you doing?

Oh. Hey, you must be Josh. Listen, I'm sorry...

(MAN INHALING)

Are you guys getting stoned again?

Man! That is classic!

Take these. We would've been here sooner,

but these guys kept stopping off for snacks.

MAN: Hey, Cooper,

You were the one who had the munchies.

(LAUGHS)

We should've never have gotten high in Boston!

Oh, man, that was great.

MAN: Light up another one, man.

(BREATHES SHARPLY) Yeah. Hmm.

Josh, where do you think we should put the bong?

In the closet? - No. This is a showcase bong.

Take a look at it, huh? Hey, do you want a hit?

Uh... no.

I just brushed my teeth.

Josh, you're not going to bed, are you?

Actually, yeah. I got to get up early tomorrow.

Shit. I... I just met these people downstairs,

and I told them to come up for a few drinks.

But you know what? They're right outside.

I'll get rid of them. - No, no, it's okay.

Really? Are you sure?

Because I can tell them to get lost.

No. It's cool. I...

Let me put on some pants.

All right. Hey, guys, come on in.

Hey, this is Josh. This is my new roommate. (SQUEALS)

Josh, say hello, huh?

What's going on, guys? How you doing? All right?

Good to see you again. (ALL CHATTERING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) BOY: Who wants some drinks?

(ALL CHEERING)

COOPER: Pass these out. Pass these out.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What's going on? Over there, guys. Over there.

Yeah. This is a party. Yeah. Show me the muff.

Pass those out. There you go. BOY: All right.

(ALL CHEERING, CHATTERING)

KYLE: What the fuck? (GROANING)

Turn that shit off!

(MUSIC STOPS) Hey, buddy.

You must be Kyle. I'm Cooper. I'm not your buddy...

buddy. - Okay.

Oh, look at that. I see, uh, you like girls.

You must be the product of an all boys school.

Catholic all boys school.

Cath... Holy Mary, mother of God.

You're so horny you've turned mean.

You keep that music off, asshole...

or I'm going to bash your fucking head in!

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. (CHUCKLES)

You're being an asshole.

Now, you go around bashing people's heads in,

girls aren't going to think you're cool.

They're going to think you're a steroid freak

with a pixie dick and an ass for a brain.

(SIGHS) Really? - (CHUCKLES) Uh-huh!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Everybody, this is Kyle. Huh! Give him a beer. Come on,

let's start the music. (MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)

Let's go. Let's get this party started, huh?

(APPLAUSE)

All right, where were we? Martinis, huh?

All right. Incoming.

Hey. Hey, I... I'm Pickle.

I just thought you could use these things.

Oh, your name's Pickle, huh?

What'd you do, knock off an appliance store?

I... I had some stuff shipped here.

It kind of reminds me of home, you know?

That blender reminds you of home?

Oh, yeah. Definitely. - (CHUCKLES) Martinis!

What is that? - That's a math award.

Looks like a dildo. Hey, Zeke, look. It's a dildo.

(LAUGHTER) BOY: Hey, watch the corners.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

COOPER: Hey. JOSH: Hey.

Here's your dildo.

(SCOFFS) Thanks. (GROANS)

So, Josh, uh... tell me about yourself.

I don't know. Uh. I'm from Indiana,

and I'm in the six-year medical program.

So you, like, studied in high school?

Wow, that's... that's cool.

You know, I had... I had a couple of friends who did that.

Oh, yeah? (GIRLS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

So, let's get a drink.

Oh, she's nice. Good choice. Go talk to her.

I don't think so. - Why? What are you going to do?

You... you just gonna sit in bed

until she goes home with somebody else?

Yeah. I'm in my underwear.

So what? Josh, you don't need to get dressed.

You know what? I'll bring her over.

No, no, no.

What?

Do you want me to go get you some pants?

Yeah. Would you? - Ah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

That's Rachel Gilmore.

She's from New York, and she likes creative writing.

How'd you know that?

KYLE: Freshman face book.

I'm just, like, ptoof!

Jacking off to that thing for, like, three weeks.

(SNORTS)

Oh.

This is my brother's Ritalin.

Ritalin's good for studying math or science.

Just don't try to write English papers on it,

because it won't make any sense. Enjoy that.

This is my mom's diet pills.

Lovely for pulling all-nighters and foreign languages.

♪ Move aside Let the man go through ♪

GIRL: Hey, Jennifer, come here.

(EXHALES)

Nice cross.

Thanks.

Are you catholic?

Yeah. I went to Sacred Heart School for girls.

I love you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Why, hello, ladies. We haven't met.

I'm Cooper. This is Josh. - Hi.

Do you guys go to Daleman?

It's their room, Lucy. - Yeah?

Oh, I'm Lucy, and these are my Homegirls.

Right, Kristin?

Isn't that what they say where you're from?

What do you mean, "where I'm from"? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, you know, the 'hood. (CHUCKLES)

Lucy, we need to have a little talk.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, talk. - All right.

Uh. Hey, um...

Hi.

Hi. JOSH: You must be Rachel, right?

Yeah, yeah. How did you know?

Oh, it's in the face book.

Oh, you memorized the face book?

No. My roommate did.

He was jack, uh, lackin'.

He was jack-a-lackin' around to it.

(LAUGHS) He was what?

Um... (CHUCKLES) Never mind.

Rachel, come on.

Uh. Just a second. I... I got to go. Um...

So, I... I'll see you around maybe.

Oh, yeah. No, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No.

I mean, yeah. Yes. I'll see each other around.

Okay. (LAUGHS) All right. So, bye.

Rachel. - Josh.

Bye.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Oh, yeah, that was smooth.

You'll have to give us some pointers.

You're the shit, man.

(LAUGHS)

(ALARM BUZZING)

(ALARM STOPS)

Cooper? (GROANS)

My arm's asleep.

Ow!

Oh! Oh, my God, are you okay?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, Josh.

Hi.

Oh. - Oh. Sorry.

This is not high school biology, okay, people?

We won't be bringing in ferns for show and tell.

If you bring in chocolate, then we are in business.

It is imperative you do the required reading,

or you shall be lost.

It is imperative you hang on my every word,

or you shall be lost.

It is imperative you buy my book,

Organic chemistry: The Impossible Discipline

by S.F. Collins, who is I, or you shall be so lost,

you'll never be found again.

♪ And do it again ♪

This is the first class, isn't it?

This is an advanced anatomy lab.

We will be spending the majority of our time

dissecting a human cadaver.

Say hello to Bob. (ALL GASP)

ANATOMY LAB TEACHER: Let's open Bob up, shall we?

Your job at the housing office

is to process housing transfer requests.

Don't answer the phone. Don't study at work.

Don't annoy me. That's it.

COOPER: Josh.

Help. I need water.

Uh. Water.

(GROANING) Josh.

Water.

Uh.

Swallow, swallow.

Ah.

JOSH: So, kind of a late night last night, huh?

Oh. Pammy.

I thought I dreamt her.

Isn't college great?

This can't be the right answer.

There are too many variables in this equation.

Hey, Josh, do you have it?

Uh.

Yeah. Uh, negative four.

(STUDENTS GIGGLE)

Well, uh, that... that would be correct, Josh,

if we were still on binomials.

(LAUGHTER)

I got to clean my bong,

'cause I can't mix the kind with the Shwag.

Where's my pipe cleaner?

I don't know. I'm studying.

Well, Josh, I think it's time for a study break.

No, thank you, really.

Oh! Oh! - Oh, man.

Sorry. Sorry. Here.

Hey, that's my sweater. - What? Look, I'm picking it up.

Oh, man.

Now everything smells like bong water.

Hey. - Hey.

I'm just going to pack up some of my things,

because I'm going to be staying at Kelly's place for a while.

Is it cool if I use your room for bonging 'cause...

KYLE: No! It's not cool.

While I'm gone, don't fuck with my stuff!

Easy, killer. Remember what I told you?

Yeah.

Don't... don't fuck with my stuff. Please.

(LAUGHS)

Look, Cooper, could you do that some place else?

Listen, I'm here on an academic scholarship,

and I'm serious when I say that I got to study.

And I can't do it when you're distracting me

every two seconds.

You know what?

I'm serious when I tell you I need to clean my bong,

and I can't do it with you chewing me out

every two seconds.

I'm going in Pickle's room,

in case you want to catch a beer later.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(MACHINE BEEPS)

Hey, Josh, how's it going?

Oh, man, I got a long night ahead of me.

How you doing? - Oh, I'm all right.

I got a rash on my balls.

Hey.

(PLAYING VIDEO GAME)

Look... I know we're different,

but we just got to figure out a way

that we can share the room, and then I can study,

and you can do whatever the hell it is that you do.

Right. Yeah. I mean, that... that's cool.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

COOPER: Oh. Oh. Oh, really?

Mmm. Take this off. (GIRL MOANING)

COOPER: Mm. Oh, yeah. Take this off.

Take it off. GIRL: I want to take yours off.

Take it off. You take yours off under the sheets.

(BOTH PANTING) COOPER: Oh, yes.

Oh! Be gentle. It's my first time.

Pull on my lobes when you do that.

Oh, you have great instincts. (BOTH MOAN)

Oh, yeah. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What about your roommate?

Oh, don't worry.

He likes to watch. - Oh.

(BOTH MOANING)

Well, Josh, so nice of you to join us.

I'm sorry. I...

M...

Sorry.

JOSH: No, mom, the work is fine.

I'm a little nervous, because, uh, midterms are in three weeks.

MOM: Uh-huh. - But, uh,

yeah, everything's great.

MOM: Are you sure, honey? - Yeah. Really. Super.

Can you hold on a second?

Hello? COOPER: Josh, it's me.

Listen, I'm heading over to the Lucky Peach,

and there's three girls waiting for me,

but I can't think of any girly things to say,

so I need some backup.

Don't say no. - No, Cooper.

If I was some boring old professor,

you wouldn't say no. JOSH: Out.

You're a pawn, Josh. - Out. Out.

Stick it to the man. - Out.

The revolution will not be televised. - Out.

Bye. Hi, mom? MOM: Hi.

Yeah, that was Cooper,

and he said that he wanted me to meet him

at the library. MOM: Uh-huh!

So...

I'll talk to you later, okay? MOM: All right. I love you.

Okay. I love you, too.

MOM: Bye. Bye.

(SONG PLAYING)

I never doubted you for a second.

One drink. - One drink.

Then I got to get back. - Then you got to get back.

Okay.

Now, try to be charming, Josh.

And don't talk about studying,

because, believe me, it's a turnoff.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING, CHATTERING)

Yep. This is a bar. Cooper, I got to go.

This is good. - No, no, no, I should be headed back.

Hey, Josh. Hey. Hey.

Where have you guys been?

We've been getting drunk without you.

Come on.

You know, you were right. We really should head back.

No. I changed my mind.

Hey, Cooper!

Cooper.

We finished the pitcher. We need more beer.

So, um. how's everything going?

What, with me?

Mm-hmm. - Oh, awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

If I didn't have all this hellish work

every friggin' second, I should be, uh, home.

No. I... I know, I know.

I should be home working on my story

for my writing class, so...

Here you go. - Uh-huh.

Are you one of the... one of them Daleman kids?

No, no. I'm a townie.

Yeah, I work at the refinery, factory, mill.

What's that on your shirt?

What? - Let's see an I.D.

(CHUCKLES) There you go.

It's a bullshit I.D.

You know what? You're right. (CHUCKLES)

This is not my real I.D. This is... this is my real one.

"Dr. Mohammed Rashid"?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

How about this one? This one?

- Nah. No, no. This one? This one?

Just take your beer. Take your beer.

It's for the guys at the mill. - Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

So, what's your story about?

It's about this girl, and she's from New York,

kind of like me, and she has a crush on this guy

who goes to her school.

He... he's kind of bumbling, kind of shy, but, um...

she can tell there's a lot more going on...

up here. (CHUCKLES)

He's from Indiana. - Really? I'm from Indiana.

Okay...

Uh. All right, forget it. Let me start over.

(KRISTEN CLEARS THROAT) Um. Shut up. (CHUCKLES)

There's a girl who likes a guy.

Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Come down Why don't you come over ♪

♪ Why don't you come down ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

JOSH: How do you do it? COOPER: What?

JOSH: You haven't been to a single class since you got here.

COOPER: Come on, Josh, who cares?

I get it.

You're a millionaire.

You probably got a family business to go into.

You know what my Dad does for a living?

He cleans toilets.

Come on. (CHUCKLES)

Ah, he owns this major toilet-cleaning company.

It's big. It's huge, actually.

And he is an incredible... asshole.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I like to call him Flushles, the toilet-cleaning clown.

(CHUCKLES) He loves that.

You think I'm gonna spend the rest of my life

cleaning toilets?

So, what are you gonna do? - I don't know, you know?

Everyone's so obsessed with the future. Who cares?

We should be thinking about now,

and right now we should be having fun.

Well, fun is a dead end, Cooper.

I mean, the guys who had fun in my high school

are working in bowling alleys

and drinking paint thinner on the weekends.

I got to stay on track.

Okay, Josh, but you're missing out,

because college is our last chance to go crazy.

(VOMITING, COUGHING)

COOPER: (LAUGHS) Yes! She shoots! She scores!

Does anyone have a breath mint?

(LAUGHS) RACHEL: Hey.

Hey. KRISTIN: Hey, guys.

So, um, I... I'm gonna walk back.

Um. Do you wanna... do you wanna walk with me?

Yeah. - Yeah?

(CLEARS THROAT) Of course.

Great. (CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) Bye.

(CHUCKLES) That was fun.

I'm... I'm glad you came. You know... you know.

♪ I don't know what it is That makes me love you so ♪

Well... good night.

♪ I only know I never Wanna let you go ♪

It's this way.

♪ 'Cause you Started something ♪

♪ Oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met You've had a hold on me ♪

It's this way.

♪ It happens to be true ♪

JOSH: This is a really nice room.

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

I probably should, uh... - Josh.

♪ No matter No matter what you do ♪

RACHEL: It's this way.

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Oh, good morning. - Hi, Josh.

Two, three,

four, five...

Young man. Where have you been?

Do you know that I was up all night worried sick?

Do you know what time it is? I love college.

I love everything about it.

The people...

the freedom...

this room...

this chair.

Look at this chair.

(SIGHS) You had sex last night, didn't you?

That's a nice shirt.

(LAUGHS) Yeah. JOSH: It was so easy, Cooper.

I didn't have to do anything...

to make it happen.

It was just like... time for sex.

We're gonna have sex now.

Prepare for sex.

And then we spent all night talking.

Jesus. You even talked, too?

She says I have soulful eyes.

Oh, yeah, you really do.

What was I thinking?

Spending all my time in the library.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH LAUGH)

♪ Cover myself - beneath my quiff ♪ (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

♪ My power's run out And so has my gift ♪

♪ At times like this I'm at a loss ♪

♪ Drifting in dreams So fortuitous ♪

♪ I used to care a lot ♪

♪ Now the world spins Before me ♪

♪ These days, consistent sleep ♪

♪ And daytime TV ♪

♪ I'm only sleeping ♪

♪ I'm only sleeping ♪

♪ Don't wake me Don't wake me ♪

♪ I'm only sleeping ♪

♪ Don't call me Don't wake me ♪

♪ I'm only sleeping ♪

Papers, Josh.

Where are the papers?

The papers, Josh!

Huh? - Papers? Thank you. Thank you.

Papers? Papers. Thank you.

Papers? Thank you.

Papers?

Thank you.

Papers, mister. - Wait just...

Thank you! - Oh.

Hey, hey. There you are.

Wow. Why the funky face?

Why? Because I'm sure I bombed my midterms, that's why.

Oh, well, at least you showed up for them.

I bet you they give you points for that.

You. You. COOPER: What?

You need to stay away from me.

You've been distracting me all semester,

and now I'm fucked.

Josh, is this... is this about bad grades?

(SPLUTTERS) Bad grades are meaningless.

You know, they're... they're like parking tickets.

Uh. They... they mean nothing.

Just laugh, because they're silly.

You know, they're silly little nothings.

I never failed anything in my life.

COOPER: Stop right there.

You know what? I think you're turning

into a really great guy.

And so what if your astrology professor

doesn't like you? Big shit.

I don't take astrology.

Biology, whatever.

(CHUCKLES) Stay away from me, okay?

I got work to do.

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(JOSH CLEARS THROAT)

(WHISTLES)

(TECHNO MUSIC BLARING)

JOSH: Hey!

(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)

I can hear my heartbeat through my penis.

Get that out of your pants!

So, uh, Josh, uh,

what do you say we head down to the Oktoberfest, huh?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Well, at least somebody wants to party.

Pop. - Come here.

Oh, I've heard so much about you. - Yeah.

What? Am I leaving? - Excuse us!

Whoa! COOPER: Dad, don't...

Dad.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

It's me... - Hi.

Flushles... (GROANS)

...the toilet cleaning clown!

(GROANS) (CHUCKLES)

You getting an education, huh, Coop? - Yeah.

Are you getting my money's worth? - Uh-huh!

'Cause you know what the dean tells me?

He tells me that you haven't been in one class

in two months!

COOPER: (GROANS) I don't think this counts as bonding, Dad.

It's over, Cooper. - (GROANS)

I keep buying your way into these schools,

and you keep screwing up.

If you don't pass all of your classes,

you're coming home with me, and you're gonna work with me,

but not in the office. - Dad, come on.

In the field.

I'm gonna give you all the really disgusting jobs.

Hmm.

Cooper. Come on, talk to me.

What, Josh?

(SIGHS) He's serious this time, all right? You... you heard him.

He's gonna pull me out of school.

And now I've got to pass all my classes.

I don't even know which ones I'm taking.

This is gonna drive me to drink. - No, Cooper.

No more drinks, no more bong hits.

There's only one thing that can save you now.

What, Valium?

No. Studying.

(SCOFFS) - You need to study.

What? You're insane. - What? It'll be fun.

We'll read our books together.

We'll make sure that we go to our classes.

No.

We'll quiz each other. - No, no.

We'll be study buddies.

No. I don't do that. That's... that's not me.

Well, I think it's time for a change.

Hey, you guys roommates?

BOTH: Yeah. Yeah.

You ought to talk to Henry over there.

He went to Daleman.

COOPER: That guy went to Daleman?

Yeah. He's got a real good story for you.

HENRY: You see, I had a roommate.

Poor prick. Killed himself.

Yeah, oh, yeah. I found the body.

He slit his wrists. He swallowed some pills.

He put a bag over his head, and he jumped from the bridge.

It was a mess.

That's terrible.

Some people eat bugs. Ugh!

Right.

So what does this have to do with getting straight As?

Everything. You see,

Daleman has always had a problem with...

suicide.

BARTENDER: You see...

it seems you college kids,

you have a real knack for going wacko.

They have a rule

that if your roommate kills himself...

you get straight As. - Yeah, they do.

It's like a consolation prize.

Yeah, it relieves tension or something.

My intestines are over two miles long.

Is that true? DRUNK MAN: Yeah.

It's true.

No, no, no. The rules.

Mmm. Yes. - Yes. Yes.

Oh, okay, well, yeah, that... that makes sense.

I mean, 'cause you can't be expected to study

if you're, uh, grieving for your dead roommate.

I... I know I couldn't study if you died.

You can't study now.

So these rules, they got them written down somewhere?

Probably the library. - The library, Josh.

(CHUCKLES) You know where that is, don't you?

Take me to the library.

This must be a great college to have all these books.

Shh.

(WHISPERS) How are we gonna find that charter?

How are we gonna find our way out of here?

Will you grow up?

(SIGHS)

JOSH: Here it is.

Oh, you... you found it.

Wow. The college charter.

I'm gonna go upstairs and study, so have fun.

Wait a minute. Aren't you even curious?

No. It's totally ridiculous.

Don't leave me down here alone.

Libraries give me the creeps.

"Each student who..."

Hmm. What the...

Holy shit!

Holy shit! J... listen.

Uh. "A student found to have died

as a result of his own willful act will...

Uh. Any other student residing in the same housing unit

of said students shall be rewarded grades

of the highest order regardless of academic standing."

What the hell does this mean? Is this it?

That's it. - (CHUCKLES)

What are you doing? - Well, we've got to copy this.

For proof.

COOPER: Josh! Oh, hey, Josh! BOY 1: Shh.

BOY 2: Shh! BOY 3: Shut up!

Josh, where you going?

Look, Josh, I finished. I finished copying.

It wasn't really that hard. BOY: Shh!

Wow. Look at all these people.

Shh!

(WHISPERS) Right.

(SIGHS)

I'm not gonna kill myself,

in case that's what you're wondering.

Come on. Be a sport.

I mean, you're fucked anyway. At least this way,

one of us comes out on top.

Then you kill yourself. - No, I can't see that working.

Look, just forget it. - Josh, please.

Cooper, I'm done helping you. - All I'm asking you to do...

(SHUSHING) GIRL: Quiet!

Josh, wait. What about Kyle?

Who's Kyle? - Kyle, our other roommate.

The... the one from the catholic school.

He could kill himself. It's perfect.

Are you talking about murder, Cooper?

'Cause if you are, this conversation is over.

No, I am not talking about murder.

Well, I don't want to be part of your stupid plan,

so just drop it. - It's... it's simple.

No, I mean it. Just shut the shit up.

Yeah, but all you... Ah. (WHIMPERS)

Suicidal impulses come from feeling powerless

over one's problems.

So when someone calls Daleman's Hotline,

we make sure that the caller feels in control of the...

Young man, uh, would you please take a seat?

Now, the caller should be told

that suicide is never the answer.

Well, say there's someone really depressed...

Could you raise your hand?

Well, yeah. Oh... Okay.

Say there's someone really depressed,

but he might not actually kill himself.

Why don't I answer questions after the session?

What would push him over the edge?

You know, send him running for the razors?

Anything come to mind? - What?

Oh, hi, Josh. Come on in.

I got a note. You wanted to see me?

I just wanted to check up on you,

make sure your head's still above water.

Well, I don't know how well I did on my midterms.

I ju... I was distracted,

but I'm not gonna do anything but study from here on out.

Just remember you have to keep a B plus average

to keep your scholarship.

What?

You must keep a B plus average,

or they'll revoke your scholarship.

No, not my scholarship. I mean,

they... they can't do that.

Do you understand? I need that scholarship.

Josh, there's no reason to get so worked up. (PHONE RINGING)

I mean, it's not as if you failed your midterms.

Hi, honey.

What?

Well, thank you, Shirley. You've been very helpful.

Yes, I'll let you know if the doctor needs those files.

All right. Tell me, what...

Hey!

That was rude.

Wow, Josh. You don't look so good.

Why should I look good?

These are my midterm scores.

And these are the scores

that I would need to get on my finals

in order to keep my scholarship.

And there's no mathematical way that I can get these scores.

I would need four A plus plus pluses.

I'm doomed!

What's this doing here?

Well, see, I... I...

Cooper, when I got here, I was on a track. - (SIGHS)

Do you know what a track is? Chalk.

A track is a beautiful, wonderful thing. - (CLEARS THROAT)

It's a goal. It's a track.

It's always moving forward on a track.

Well, I don't have a track.

I have nothing. I'm dead.

You're lookin' at a dead man.

(CHUCKLES) Well, then you're in!

I mean, this is great.

Great?

Well, I'm just saying... - Cooper! You...

You... What's wrong with you?

You take the cake!

Cooper! Do you know that Cooper? Uh!

(GROANS)

COOPER: You're okay. You're okay, huh?

Huh? Just shake it off.

(JOSH GRUNTING) Now, we have a way out,

and it's the best loophole ever,

and it's gonna save both of our asses,

So just mellow. - (GROANS)

Here, put this on your nose. - Ah, Cooper.

No, no, no. My whole vision is right here...

on this blackboard. - In what language?

Well, my penmanship's kind of gone to shit,

but basically, here is Mr. Z.

Who's Mr. Z?

Mr. Z is the most suicidal guy on campus.

Mr. Z is the guy who's gonna kill himself

whether he lives with us or not,

so I figure, he might as well live with us

so his death won't be in vain.

Now, we find him at the mental health clinic,

he moves in, he kills himself,

and here's you keeping your scholarship,

and here's me saying, "Flush off, Flushles."

(CHUCKLES)

Look, I have enough to deal with without you mind-fucking me.

No, no, no, Josh. I am not mind-fucking you, okay?

I am so dead serious. I am, like, in the zone.

Come on, Josh! Oh, Josh.

Oh, Josh.

Okay, the bottom line is you work in the housing office.

I need you. I can't do it without you,

so you might as well give it a go.

What have you got to lose?

Forget it, Cooper. Your brain is permanently fried.

You need help. - Oh, come on.

I would never in a bajillion years

follow you on some idiotic wild-goose chase! Never!

Say no more. I understand, okay?

Oh, by the way, there's a message

for you on the machine. I think it's your mom.

(BEEP)

MOM: (OVER VOICE MESSAGE) Hi, Joshie, it's Mom.

(WHISPERS) Joshie? MOM: ...sounded so worried when I talked to you.

Listen, honey, you have nothing to worry about.

I mean, of course you'll do well in college.

You always surpass my expectations.

And I expect to see straight As. Okay? Bye.

Who is Mr. Z again?

COOPER: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. (SHUTTER CLICKS)

COOPER: There's one. There's another one.

Oh, yeah. Come on, baby.

Oh, come to daddy.

Oh, I gotcha. I gotcha. Daddy's gotcha.

Josh, you're not saying anything.

Yay. Yippee.

Come on, this is gonna be easy.

Once we find out who these guys are,

we'll steal their files, and we'll figure out

which one's the most suicidal of them all.

Oh, yeah. This guy looks really depressed.

JOSH: Yeah. This guy looks troubled.

Cooper? Josh, is that you?

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

What are you guys doing?

Can... can we have some privacy, please?

Yeah, you got it. - Yes. Of course.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Wow, that was close.

Cooper, they probably think that we're making out back here.

I know. They're totally in the dark.

(JOSH GRUNTS) COOPER: Josh!

JOSH: Where we going?

JOSH: This is insanity.

We're gonna get kicked out of school

before we ever flunk out.

How we gonna figure out who's really nutso

and who's just having a bad week?

Here, take this rope, hook me up.

(SIGHS)

Now, remember, your code name is Dinah.

What's yours? - Panther.

Why do you get to be Panther? - (EXHALES SHARPLY)

Huh?

COOPER: Jimmy.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, please.

COOPER: (GRUNTS) A little help here.

Yeah, sure.

COOPER: Now, I'm gonna wrap this rope

around this pipe for leverage.

(GRUNTS)

I'm risking my life for you. Remember that.

I'm lowering you 12 feet into an office.

I'm not even sure we need rope.

COOPER: Okay. Keep it slow. (JOSH GRUNTING)

That's good. That's great.

Keep it right there. That's perfect.

Okay, you're doing good, Dinah. (JOSH GRUNTING)

COOPER: Slow and steady, Dinah.

JOSH: Yeah.

Slow and steady. Dinah! Slow and steady!

(BOTH GRUNT)

That's good, Dinah. Slow and steady.

Whoa! Slow! Dinah!

Slow! (GROANS)

I'm in.

Entering north corridor. Over.

Be careful.

COOPER: (WHISPERS) Dinah, I have reached the file room.

I'm not Dinah anymore. I'm Cobra.

Whatever.

(CLATTERING)

Jesus Christ! I'm lost!

COOPER: (OVER RADIO) I need directions. Where do I go?

I'm on it, I'm on it. All right. Here it is.

Go right. No, no, no.

Go left into the middle aisle past the numbered section.

Dinah, I think I see it.

Dinah, I found it, I found the file cabinet.

(GRUNTS) It's locked. I'll use my jimmy.

Uh! Where's my jimmy?

I got your jimmy right here.

COOPER: (OVER RADIO) I need my jimmy.

No, jimmy. Repeat, no jimmy.

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Come on! Oh! Got it!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER GUARD'S RADIO)

JOSH: Holy moly!

(WHISPERS) Abort. Abort.

Dinah, repeat. You're breaking up.

The security guards are here. You got to get out of there.

Oh, shit!

Hey, you! - (WHIMPERS)

GUARD: Hold it!

Oh! (GRUNTS)

Get me the fuck out of here. Where do I go?

South hallway! Get out of there!

COOPER: (OVER RADIO) Dinah, save yourself!

Whoa! (SCREAMS, GRUNTS)

Whoa! (GRUNTS)

I'm out.

(DISTANT SIREN)

COOPER: Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Were so Dam me! Come on, say it with me.

Van Damme! (LAUGHS)

Van Damme! Van Damme!

Van Damme! Van Damme! Van Damme!

All right, now it's pathetic.

One of these guys is our lucky Mr. Z.

Let's get busy.

(BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

We're really doing this, Cooper.

I know. We're so motivated.

Hello. Professor Durkheim?

What can I do for you? - Hi. I'm Josh Miller.

DURKHEIM: Come in, come in. Sit down.

Are you one of my students?

No, no. I, uh, I was just in the neighborhood,

I thought I'd pop in.

Nobody just pops into

the Psych department, Mr. Miller.

No, they don't.

DURKHEIM: You seem nervous, Mr. Miller.

Nervous? Me?

No. Just had a question.

Um...

I don't know how to put this.

If, um, somebody was really depressed

and contemplating suicide...

Is this a personal question?

Oh, no. No, no. I'm just curious. (CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

Why don't you tell me about yourself, Josh?

Where you from?

RACHEL: Hey, Josh.

Hey, stranger, where have you been?

I thought you died or something.

Died? No, no, no. Nobody died.

Oh, good, good. Um. So, here it is.

What is it? - Uh. It's my short story.

You said you wanted to read it

when I was done, and I'm done, so...

Oh, yeah, that's great. Hey, you wouldn't happen

to have a shorter short story, would you?

Josh! Hey, Josh!

What? - We need to make some decisions

right now. Hey, Rachel.

Hey, Cooper. - In a minute.

No, right now. Don't make me come down there.

I got to go, but I want to see you.

You know, I think about you...

all the time.

Well, we'll hang out sometime. Will... will you call me?

Oh, yeah. - Okay.

Josh!

(HUFFS)

I'll see you. - All right.

Would you hurry up? Where have you been?

Look, I borrowed these books from the library.

They actually let you do that. Here.

What did your professor say?

Oh. Not much. He thinks I'm suicidal.

We have to choose our Mr. Z right now,

and this guy, he is it, man.

Cliff O'Malley. Look at those close-set eyes,

and that's drool. That is definitely drool.

I don't know. I like these guys. COOPER: Listen to this.

"Patient has an intense death wish.

Set bed on fire, reckless, alcoholic, psychotic."

He's perfect. He's... he's... - He's you.

You're gonna thank me when we find

his dead body in our room.

He's kind of spooky, Cooper.

(CHUCKLES) I'll tell you what spooky is.

Spooky is no more college. That's spooky.

Compared to that, that guy's Mr. Bunny Foo Foo.

CLIFF: Kappa Omega rules, baby!

Hey, Jeff, who am I, buddy?

I'm your sister! (LAUGHS)

Look out!

(HOWLS)

Okay, this is it, guys.

This is the big one.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Whoo-hoo!

(LOUD HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo!

Hey, Jeff, get a load of this, buddy!

Kappa Omega!

Hey, boys!

You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

Josh, we have three weeks till finals.

He's our only hope. (CLIFF SCREAMING)

And he wants to die. (CLIFF SCREAMING)

Why can't he die in our room with his new best friends?

(CLIFF SCREAMING) Help! Help!

(CLIFF GROANING) Oh, my God!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Cliff?

Cliff O'Malley?

CLIFF: Help me! Look out below!

(GIRL SCREAMING)

Hey, Cliff!

What, did you get hit, man? Chill out, it's just water.

No, we just came here to talk to you.

Ah.

Good.

I'm sick of the goddamn whiners at this school.

(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)

Sit.

My God, I'm living in a frat house,

and these fuckers wanna kick me out

for not observing quiet hours?

Well, they can just suck my quiet cock!

COOPER: You know, Cliff, uh, we like to party.

I mean, we party all the time, right, Josh?

Yeah, yeah. We party hard.

Really? I got some beers. Let's drink 'em, huh?

Hey.

That one's not beer.

(BELCHES, EXHALES)

Quick, man, ki... kick me in the junk.

Come on, man, kick me in the junk!

God...

damn, that's a rush! Oh!

♪ My name is Cliff Brother of Joe ♪

♪ I got me some crack I want me some hos! ♪

♪ Let me hear you Say yeah ♪

Yeah.

♪ Let me hear you Say yeah! ♪

BOTH: Yeah... (CHUCKLES)

♪ Let me hear you Say yeah! ♪

I just remembered, I got to be somewhere.

No. Sit down, Josh.

Now, did you say they're trying to kick you out of here?

Because actually we have an open room where we live.

You know what? I got to see Rachel.

Hey! You guys ever get horny?

Well, it depends on where you're going with this.

'Cause I do, man. I get... I get these urges sometimes.

I just... I gotta hump this lamp!

I gotta screw this couch!

(GRUNTS)

Hey!

You guys know any chicks who like to party?

Josh does. I mean, he's heading over

to a chick's room right now. Uh...

Why don't we all go?

(FLAPPING TONGUE)

Yo, Parker! Your ass is grass, man.

Hey, Krauss, you wanna party, huh?

Say hello to my new buddies, boys!

Hey, any of you women wanna party or what?

(DOOR SHUTS)

(SNORTS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXHALES) (COUGHS)

Which one of these chicks is for me?

What?

Which one of these chicks is for me?

Oh. I don't know.

Cliff, actually, I think they're all lesbians.

Lesbians! (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

You guys are fucking cool, man. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, lesbos, how's it hangin'? (SNICKERS)

Uh.

Nice room.

Wow!

Which one of you painted this picture?

I... I did?

Oh. It's so smooth.

Hey.

Who wants to do a bong hit?

How about...

you!

(GASPS)

(FLAPPING TONGUE)

Here, I'll light it. - That's okay.

I said I'll light it!

Okay. - I'm a gentleman.

Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

Fire! Fire!

(ALL SCREAM)

Whoa! (LUCY SQUEALING)

RACHEL: Oh, my God, she's on fire! - Hey!

Look out of the way! I got it!

Move out of the way!

JOSH: No! No! No!

Get off me! Get off me!

She's burning!

(ALL SCREAMING) CLIFF: Goddamn it!

(GROANS)

Uh...

I guess a blowjob's kind of out of the question.

(CHUCKLES)

This is your idea of hanging out?

Where did you find this guy? (CLIFF SCREAMING)

What? You don't like him? (SCOFFS)

No. Josh, he set Lucy's hair on fire.

He's psychotic. (CLIFF SCREAMING)

Well, he's an acquired taste. (CLIFF LAUGHING, GRUNTING)

Hey, get him out of here.

Ooh, I could just... On this...

You know, I don't get it.

'Cause whenever I'm on fire,

I remember to stop, drop, and roll.

You don't just stand there screaming like some chick!

Yeah. - Uh. Don't worry about it.

I think I really screwed up in there with Rachel.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, screw those chicks, man.

You know what we ought to do? We ought to go into town

and get us a couple of hookers, huh? (BOTH GROAN)

I know just the hooker, too. Her name's Carl.

She's beautiful, man.

I'm driving. Let's go.

Come on!

CLIFF: Whoo-hoo!

Going to find Carl, going to find Carl.

You know, I really shouldn't be driving.

My license was revoked.

Really? - For what?

Attempted vehicular manslaughter.

That's good.

Whatever the fuck that means.

Whoo! COOPER: Damn!

(HORN HONKS) CLIFF: Whoo-hoo!

I love that!

Nothing like a good game of chicken, boys!

(CHUCKLES)

Whoo! (TIRE SCREECHES)

Whoo! - Why are we stopped?

Yeah, why are we stopping?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO)

Josh, would you be so kind as to ask the officer

where I-95 is?

COOPER: Josh.

Yeah, sure.

Excuse me, sir?

We were just wondering if you could inform us, uh...

Hey. Do I smell a pig?

Dude, what are you doing? - Hey, pig!

(MIMICS PIG) - Hey!

OFFICER: That's enough. Hey, little piggies!

COOPER: What are you, crazy? (OFFICER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

CLIFF: All right, piggies!

(JOSH SCREAMS) Oh! No! No!

(COOPER SCREAMING)

Hey, have you ever been in a high-speed chase before?

It's intense!

(SIREN WAILING) Just bring it on, bacon!

Oh, Cliff! CLIFF: (SCREAMS) Wait!

I got a damn good idea.

(OPENS GLOVE COMPARTMENT)

They hate it when you do this.

COOPER: That's a gun. That's a gun! - Ah!

COOPER: That's a gun!

(SCREAMS)

CLIFF: Come on, copper! (BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey, guys, I think we're losing them!

(GUNFIRE)

Hey, guys!

CLIFF: You Goddamn pussies!

(JOSH AND COOPER GRUNT)

(BOTH GROAN)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

You okay?

(BOTH LAUGH)

This is the last time I listen to you.

(GRUNTS) COOPER: What?

JOSH: Where the hell are we?

COOPER: It's no big deal.

We'll just hitchhike our way back to campus.

Josh, stick out your thumb, or they won't see you.

MAN 1: Got the puck. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN 1: Come on, come on.

MAN 2: Yeah! Hit me! Hit me! (MAN LAUGHING)

MAN 2: I'm open!

MAN 1: Oh. MAN 2: Yeah! Oh.

(ALL GASP)

Fellas, what's happening?

How's it going? - All right.

I think they're having a little lovers quarrel.

(CHUCKLES) What are you talking about?

We saw them making out in the bushes the other day.

Bullshit. (LAUGHING)

JOSH: Look, neither of us

have ever done anything like this before,

so if we're gonna go through with it,

I want us to be safe! COOPER: Well, fine.

I just thought you and I were tight back there.

Just don't ever pull out on me again.

JOSH: I pulled out because I don't think you know

what you're doing! COOPER: I'm taking over from here.

You know, Josh, you are so anal!

(ALL GASP)

Here's our man. Buckley Schrank.

He's paranoid, delusional, suicidal urges,

attempted to give himself a lobotomy.

Yeah, but...

No, don't but me. He's my guy. He's great.

We've got two weeks to move him in here

and push him over the edge.

Let's at least check him out first.

Fine.

(KEYBOARD CLICKING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, man. What are you working on?

Uh. Nothing. Stuff.

Why? - Looks interesting.

Uh. It's not.

You like computers? - No.

Uh. Maybe. Why?

You a computer science major?

No. I don't understand.

Who are you?

Cooper. - Josh.

Going... - To lunch.

I got a class.

Coming through. Excuse me. Bye-bye.

(CHUCKLES) Take care. Time is money. (LAUGHING)

I'm a busy beaver. Very busy beaver.

(SCREAMS)

All right. Okay.

Stand back. Stand back.

Nothing to see here. Get out of my way! GIRL: Hey!

BUCKLEY: Move it!

GIRL: Hi, guys.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SIGHS)

Thought you said you had a class.

No, it's just... COOPER: You lied to us.

Watch out! Watch out!

There are people on this campus that are trying to kill me.

What? - Yeah, my cousin Virgil is making bombs...

Are you finished with this? BUCKLEY: No.

No. No, I'm not. No, thank you. Thank you. No!

No. Bring it on!

COOPER: It's okay, it's okay.

What's in here, strychnine?

You see what I mean? My therapist says I'm paranoid.

I... I got proof.

He's been co-opted.

The soil is not clean, and don't think I'm wrong.

Heads up! Heads up! Look out!

Dirty soil! Dirty! Dirty!

My guy. BUCKLEY: Dirty.

My guy. Yep.

We're gonna move him in today.

♪ There's people Who'll get away ♪

♪ With what You're trying to do ♪

♪ But I see we might Not have your luck ♪

♪ All right, oh, baby We're walkin' ♪

♪ I'm walkin' in the dark So maybe we're guessing ♪

♪ Between the lines Try and understand ♪

♪ Give me some reply ♪

♪ Give me some reply ♪

Hey!

Who is it?

COOPER: It's Cooper.

Remember me?

Yeah. I'm busy, so, uh, go away.

Uh. Let me in before they see me.

Before who sees you?

(WHISPERS) I think I'm being followed.

You are being followed.

Oh, God. Come on!

What's going on? Are you in some kind of trouble?

BUCKLEY: Listen, Kurt Cobain didn't kill himself.

You understand? He's not even dead.

He and Vince Foster are living near Mount St. Helens.

You're kidding. Why? - It's not their idea.

They're being blackmailed into it.

But the man responsible is so rich,

so powerful, he'll stop at nothing

to make sure this information stays suppressed.

What's his name? BUCKLEY: I can't tell you that!

Bill Gates.

Bill Gates? What does he want from you?

My brain. I mean, he's already got half of it.

I fell asleep at Newark Airport,

and now I'm this close to taking my own life

so that I can stop the apocalypse.

Well, sure, yeah. That... that makes sense to me.

You... you need to get out of here.

You know, we have an empty room in our dorm.

They'll never find you in there.

(SIGHS) Oh, God.

Thanks, brother.

Sure, brother. - (SNIFFLES) Oh.

Listen, I think they may be spraying this building

with chemicals. - (SNIFFS)

Neutrino beams.

They're trying to attract my brain cells magnetically.

(SCREAMS)

RACHEL: Excuse me, sir? Co... could you...

(CHUCKLES) Josh, is that you?

JOSH: Oh!

JOSH: Uh. Excuse me! Look out!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Okay.

JOSH: Well, if you need anything,

we'll be right in here.

And later, you may even want to try the chair.

I knew my guy was gonna work. Was I right? Or was I right?

Oh, I gotta hand it to you. He's good.

Good? Of course he's good. He's the best. He's my guy.

I love my guy.

Uh. This is turning out pretty good.

Not that you picked a bad guy.

He just turned out to be a complete maniac.

Talk about missing links. (SCOFFS)

Probably band of scientists out looking for him right now.

Dudes! (SCREAMS)

Hey. Guys, you gotta help me out. The cops are after me.

I mean, I was just out drivin along,

they pulled me over, I was minding my own business...

Uh. I need a place to crash.

Hey...

this room's decent.

Yeah! This is gonna be sweet!

(GRUNTS)

Hey...

a math award.

You know, I knew you guys were smart

when you bailed out of the car.

Wha... I... I didn't really want to jump, but Josh, he was...

CLIFF: Hey!

Look. I took a bullet wound for you.

Thirty eight at close range, huh? How does it look?

Uh. It's a little red. (LAUGHS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

The... the cops!

Shh! - (WHISPERS) I'm not here.

I'm not here.

Come on. - (GRUNTS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Shh. What?

Hey, can I use the bathroom?

In a minute. (BUCKLEY GROANS)

Cliff, you gotta hide. BUCKLEY: Thanks.

Yeah. Uh. In the closet!

Closet?

Door! - Oh!

Come on, come on, let's go. (CLIFF GROANS)

(SIGHS)

Wow. Big closet.

Josh! Cooper!

Guys!

Hey!

Hey, pal, uh, you need some help? - No!

(GASPS)

CLIFF: Zeke! - Cliff.

Zeke! ZEKE: Cliff O'Malley.

I haven't seen you since high school. - Zeke!

I thought you were dead! - Uh. No. This close, though.

(HESITATES) How you been?

Good. Got shot.

Oh, God! CLIFF: Hey. Wait, wait!

You ever get horny? (FLAPS TONGUE)

(SPLUTTERS)

Great! Listen, I... I know this chick named Carla,

and she's beautiful, man. You want to meet her?

Come on!

You're gonna love this chick, I swear to God!

You like to drink?

CLIFF: Come on. - Your guy. My guy.

You see the difference?

Hey, there.

BUCKLEY: What do you want?

Listen, Cooper told me about the whole conspiracy thing.

Oh, fart! Now you're in danger.

You know, when I get stressed out,

I call the suicide hot line.

(RINGING)

(EXHALES)

Suicide hot line.

Hi. Um. I think I'm having a panic attack.

What seems to be the problem?

BUCKLEY: (OVER PHONE) You see, it's hard to explain,

but I'm very frightened.

You... should be.

Who is this?

It's me, Buckley. Bill. Yeah. Bill Gates.

BUCKLEY: No! No, God! Please!

No. What do you want from me?

Your brain, Buckley. Your brain!

Well, you'll have to come and get it!

BUCKLEY: Then they'll be like freaks!

COOPER: Hey! How is he?

Oh, you mean my guy? My guy is freaking out.

My guy won't come out of his room.

My guy is going to kill himself. - All right.

How many times are you gonna remind me that he's your guy?

My guy, my guy, my guy. I guess three times.

BUCKLEY: You can do it. Oh, God! Oh, no!

(SHUSHING, LAUGHING) BUCKLEY: Oh, my fucking God!

COOPER: Great.

Oh, hey! Oh, hey, what's up, Rachel?

What... what are you doing? - Wha... what are you doing?

I just came by to see what you thought of my story

'cause I gotta turn it in tomorrow. So...

Oh, yeah. It was great.

I was telling Cooper all about it.

Yeah, what? Um...

How did I put it, Coop?

Uh. You... you said that it was fucking hilarious.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(CHUCKLES) Hilarious.

It wasn't supposed to be funny. Were you laughing at it?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

The truth is actually, Rachel, I didn't read it yet.

What... what is your deal, Josh? I mean...

you know, we make plans to hang out,

you bring some psycho by my room

who sets Lucy's... (CHUCKLES) ...hair on fire

and then I never hear from you again.

I'm sorry, Rachel. You know what, I've been really busy,

and actually I'm kind of in the middle of...

You know what? You're acting like a real jerk.

So, I'm... I'm just... I'll just see you later.

Oh, Rachel, wait!

Would it have been so hard to read that story, Josh?

What's all this?

Well, the pamphlets say it's crucial

to keep all instruments of self-destruction

away from the suicidal person,

so I ran out and bought all this stuff.

(THUDDING)

Shh! Did you hear that? Take this rope.

Wha... what do I do with it? - Tie it in a noose.

I don't know how to tie it in a noose.

(SIGHS)

(URINATING) (CHUCKLES)

Oh, that's priceless.

Oh, it's good.

We're like the Hardy Boys from hell.

Shh.

JOSH: (WHISPERING) Shh! Cut it out.

Konnichiwa!

Hey, Buckley. - Aah! What's with the knife?

(SCREAMING) - Oh, no! We can explain!

BUCKLEY: Call 911! Call 911!

I thought you guys were my friends!

BUCKLEY: Get back! - Buckley.

BUCKLEY: You're in on it? COOPER: Buckley.

You're with Bill Gates?

No. No, no. We're your friends.

JOSH: We like you.

Oh, my God!

You're trying to kill me. This is great!

JOSH: What? No. Of... of course, not.

Oh, yes! It's the suit! The... This is really happening!

It's not in my head!

BUCKLEY: Dude, those guys are freaks! (SCREAMS)

I'm gonna tell everyone and you'll never get laid!

Whoo! Yes! I'm not crazy!

It's happening! Get all your gear and follow me!

(LAUGHING) I'm not crazy!

Well, so much for your guy.

Look at all these happy people studying.

I hate them.

Finals are in a week and we're doomed.

Oh, God. Oh, look, there's my adviser.

And she's talking to that psych professor.

They're probably trying to get me kicked out of here.

What was I thinking listening to you?

Josh, you know what we need to do?

Get stoned.

I mean, all my great ideas come to me

when I'm baked out of my skull.

When have you ever had a great idea, huh?

It's over. I'm out. You're driving me crazy.

COOPER: What? Where are you going?

I'm going somewhere I'll never run into you. Class.

(SIREN WAILING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

GIRL: Hurry up! Over here.

BOY: Right there, man.

GIRL: Somebody's in trouble. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

JOSH: What happened?

He was throwing water balloons out that window

and then he just fell.

Excuse me. Oh, no.

He's dead! (CROWD GASPING)

Come here. Oh, come here.

Oh, my God, what a tragedy. - I know. We were so close.

Cooper, jeez.

Poor guy. I mean, he was such a... (EXHALES)

...freak. - Wait! He's breathing. Hey, he's alive.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BREATHES DEEPLY) Where do you guys get this shit?

Do you know what this means? Do you know what this means? (CLIFF LAUGHING)

This means we were on the right track.

Come on, we can't give up now, we've one week before finals.

I got one more guy.

We get him to open up a vein, and we're golden.

Here he is. Matt Noonan.

Depressive, death fixation, constant threats of suicide.

This is it.

Okay, no dick-smacking around. Let's just get him in the room

and send him on his way to the netherworld.

Hey, here he comes! Here he comes! Sit!

Hey! Hey!

You must be our new roommate.

Need any help moving in your stuff?

I'm wearing my stuff.

Oh.

(PLAYING GUITAR)

♪ My words are my sperm ♪

♪ Spewing forth my tragic... ♪

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

MATT: Well, what the fuck do you two want?

Are you a musician? - You... you in a band?

Kiss. My. Ass.

What? - What?

That's the name of the bleedin' band.

Oh. You're gonna play the big pre-finals party, right?

Yeah. That's right. If I'm still around.

What do you mean?

And who the fuck are you? Fucking Kurt Loder?

Can you piss off and shut my fucking door?

Oh.

Piss off! - Oh, piss off, piss off. Come on.

What the hell does "piss off" mean?

MAN: One, two, three, four.

♪ My words are my sperm ♪

♪ Spewing forth my tragic germ ♪

♪ I'm Mr. Pariah A sad messiah... ♪

Stop!

Please, guys, come on!

Oh, Matt, that was bitchin', man.

Practice is over because this music is crap.

It's total crap.

Well, want to get something to eat?

No. I'm not hungry. What you can do is piss off.

Go. Thank you. - Bye.

Lovely. - See you.

Thank you for coming. Lovely. Off you go.

(JOSH CLAPPING) Hey, hey, yes.

Good one. Yeah, you guys really rock. I mean...

Really? Well, maybe someday I'll be fortunate enough

to entertain millions of suburban teeny-boppers.

Make music videos! Won't that be "groovy"?

Fuck it all.

(MATT LAUGHING) MAN: (OVER TV) That's what I thought you said!

(TV PLAYING) (EXHALES)

MAN: (OVER TV) Don't worry. That'll come out with club soda.

(LAUGHTER)

Ooh! Ouch! Call a doctor.

I don't think he knew it was coming.

(LAUGHTER)

MAN: (OVER TV) We'll be right back after this.

(MATT CHUCKLING)

(TV PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT) - What the hell?

We... were you just watching TV, or something?

No! - Well, I could've sworn I heard you laughing.

Laughing?

Yeah. I'm a real big laugher. Piss off!

Josh! Josh! Josh! Wake up! Wake up!

What? What is it? - I... I'm worried, man.

I don't... I don't think this guy's who we think he is.

What? Didn't you hear what he said before?

"If I'm still around."

That means he might not be around. - I...

Around meaning "alive." He might not be alive.

I understand that but I... I don't think he's that depressed.

JOSH: This guy has what it takes, Cooper.

You know, I'm this close to letting you get your own guy.

What are you doing?

I need a breath of fresh air. (INHALES DEEPLY)

That's enough air. I need my bong.

No. We have three days, Cooper. You need to focus.

You need to focus. Gimme that. (GROANS)

Are you insane? - Hey! Stay back!

What? (GROANS) No more distractions!

No more drinks! No more bong hits!

(BOTH GRUNT)

Come on, you little... - This is for you, Cooper!

(GRUNTS)

I'm doing this for you! - No, Josh, no!

(GLASS PIECES CLINKING)

Why?

It's the only way.

I say we murder him.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

COOPER: Hey. - Hello.

Hey, man.

MATT: Do you mind if I come in?

No. Come on in. - No. Come on in.

Thank you.

COOPER: How are you feeling?

I feel like crap.

Feels like crap.

I've been having these creepy dreams lately.

Kiss My Ass played the pre-finals party...

and then afterward, I put a gun in my mouth...

and I pulled the trigger.

Bam!

Bam!

It's so really real.

Oh, if it's so really real,

I don't think you'd get that second shot off.

No, I suppose not.

I think I heard a cry for help.

Didn't you?

(CHUCKLES) Well... I guess I did. (DOOR CLOSES)

All right then.

It's a beautiful day!

Yes! Yes! I'm getting straight As!

I'm getting straight As!

Hey, come on. See you at the party tonight!

And, Professor! Oh, Professor, you're the best!

Hey, guys. Hey! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Yeah!

Pizza! How is he?

He's been in his room all day.

I have a really good feeling about this. - Oh, yeah.

Maybe he's dead already.

Hey. What are you guys up to?

BOTH: Nothing.

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ You could be headed For the serious strife ♪

♪ Now you make the scene All day ♪

♪ But tomorrow There'll be hell to pay ♪

Bathroom.

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ You could be headed For the serious strife... ♪

Now, remember, if he's hanging from his noose...

try to act surprised.

(SIGHS)

Jesus Christ Almighty.

We're just checking up on you.

Yeah. Heard you guys were a couple of perverts.

(BAND PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

This last one is called Sperm.

♪ My words are my sperm ♪

♪ Spewing forth my tragic germ ♪

♪ I'm dying to kiss you ♪

♪ I soil the tissue ♪

Hey, I'll be right back. Keep an eye on him.

♪ And everything's swell ♪

♪ Suicide's friend ♪

♪ Nearing the end ♪

♪ Suicide's friend ♪

♪ Nearing the end ♪

He's so intense. - Oh, yeah,

well enjoy him while you still can.

What's that supposed to mean?

♪ Nearing the ♪

End. (GLASS SHATTERING)

(APPLAUSE)

That was amazing.

Fully. I loved it.

Whatever.

I liked that.

Yeah.

Lucy, your wig.

♪ What good is sitting Alone in your room? ♪

♪ Come hear the music play ♪

♪ Life is a cabaret... ♪ Oh, fuck me!

What were you just doing? MATT: What? Nothing!

No, no, no. Don't tell me nothing!

You were just singing a show tune!

You're crazy. I'd never do that.

You can't be suicidal if you're singing show tunes.

What? I am suicidal!

Uh. You're not even depressed!

Of course I'm depressed! Look at me!

I'm very fucking depressed!

Oh, you fucking poser!

(LOSES BRITISH ACCENT) Hey, man, I am not... oh!

You're not even British! - Mmm!

Oh, God! He's not even British!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

BOY: Yeah, there are good guys on campus.

Pretty cool. (CHUCKLES)

Excuse me.

Could I talk to her for a second?

It's okay. - Please?

I know I've been flaking out on you, and I'm sorry.

I'm not interested in your excuses.

What did you think I was just... I was just gonna wait around

for you until you found time for me?

Wait! Rachel, Cooper and I...

No, Josh, I liked you. I... I really did.

I actually thought you were a really great guy.

I... I was just wrong.

No, no. You weren't wrong.

I really like you, and I'm a great guy.

BUCKLEY: (CLAPPING) People! People!

May I have a red alert?

Attention! This is an evil man!

He can't be trusted. He's got files on everybody.

He's trying to create a one-world government.

He's bad news, baby.

If you see that guy, kick him in the balls!

Hey, Josh! Jo... Josh!

I just ran back to the room and got Matt's yearbook.

Here's Marilyn Manson in high school.

JOSH: Oh. - I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna fucking kill him.

Let's get out of here. Huh.

Hey, fellas.

What's going on? What's wrong?

Long story.

Uh. You guys, I know what's going on.

You do? - You guys are just having relationship problems.

Oh, no, it's more complicated than that.

I got you. I'm real tight with my uncle.

He's gay like you guys.

I just want you to know I am cool with it.

We all are.

Oh, yeah. - Yeah. Yes.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah. BOY: Mm-hmm.

It's cool.

Well, looks like I'm a gay toilet cleaner.

(CHUCKLES)

Guess I'll go home and pack.

Sorry about your bong. - Ah, it's okay.

JOSH: Uh. Cheer up, man. Let's go to Pickle's.

I'll use his blender, I'll make us some drinks.

What sounds good, huh? Piña Colada? Mai Tai?

COOPER: Margarita. JOSH: Margarita it is.

Hey, Pickle, you mind if we make ourselves some margaritas?

Um, no... no, go ahead. It's... it's in the blender.

Thanks.

Ah, I'm gonna miss college.

Yeah, me, too.

We had fun, didn't we?

Yeah, we did.

I was gonna end up being a toilet cleaner anyway.

(CHUCKLES)

What am I gonna do now?

Well...

come work for me and Flushles.

You can be third in the shit-cleaning command. (CHUCKLES)

What is this?

"Good-bye. Can't take it. I'm sorry"?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

Shit! - What? What?

He's committed suicide.

I didn't even know he was depressed.

Josh, don't you see?

This is the hand of God working here.

This is what I've prayed for. This is a miracle.

Pickle... dead.

Come on. We've got to move fast. Go to the housing office. File the paperwork.

Wait, no! - Just get the files worked out.

Wait. - Come on, Josh, please!

It's what we've been working for! We're set!

What the hell is going on?

Who are you? - I live here!

What? Kyle!

(UTENSILS CLATTERING) No, no, no. They moved you out.

Sorry, buddy, they moved somebody else in,

so, uh, sayonara.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Who is it?

Where are my posters

and who are those two people fucking in my room?

There's people fucking in your room?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, shit! Come on!

Those guys. They threw your stuff out

and they said to tell you to go fuck yourself.

Kelly...

could you just... could you wait out here for a couple seconds?

I gotta... Thanks, baby.

Get the hell outta here!

Hey, you still can't kick me out of here. This is my room.

Cooper, tell him I'm your roommate.

My roommate is a depressive rock star.

You are a candy ass, show tune-singing,

high school cheerleader. - You're dead.

MATT: (SPLUTTERS) That's my guitar!

Off we go. Lovely. Lovely. (MATT SCREAMING)

(GUITAR SMASHES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SCUFFLING)

Come on, Pickle. Come on. Throw up for me.

COOPER: Josh, what are you doing?

Come on. Let's get those pills up, huh?

JOSH: Yeah. (PICKLE GROANING)

MEDIC: Coming through. Watch it.

(WOMAN OVER RADIO SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

COOPER: What the hell?

JOSH: Cooper, he was alive. I couldn't just let him die.

COOPER: This is what we've been working for, Josh.

This was our loophole.

Don't you have enough brains to recognize a good loophole?

JOSH: You know, the only loophole I ever recognized

that you got a rich daddy who buys your way through life.

Oh! Oh! Well, congratulations, buddy.

Now you can go back to Indiana and spend the rest...

JOSH: What? ...of your life in a bowling ally.

JOSH: What are you saying?

People who make it in this world have guts.

Obviously you don't have any.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Mama gripped onto The milkman's hand ♪

♪ And then She finally gave birth ♪

♪ Years go by And still I don't know ♪

♪ Who shall inherit this Earth ♪

♪ And no one Will know my name ♪

♪ Until it's on a stone ♪

♪ Whoa-o-o ♪

♪ This could be our lucky day ♪ (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

HANK: Dude, there's some guy out there on the bridge!

I swear he's gonna... BOY 1: It's that guy Josh!

BOY 2: What? BOY 1: I'm telling you, dude.

BOY 3: Josh is on the bridge! He's gonna jump!

(SIREN WAILING)

(CLAMORING) Slow... slow down! Slow down!

(SIREN WAILING)

(CLAMORING)

MAN: Get a light up there!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO)

COOPER: Josh!

Josh, what the hell are you doing up there?

JOSH: What do you think?

I'm just looking for a way out.

Seriously, come down.

What's the point? My life's over.

Why? Because you're off your track?

Oh, oh, come on, Josh. Who cares?

I mean that is... That's so fucking stupid.

Are... are you an idiot?

No! - (GROANS)

COOPER: Look, I understand.

Maybe you were on the wrong track, Josh,

but it's okay, you know, because...

now you can figure out what you're really supposed to do.

What? Become a total failure?

COOPER: No. No.

You know...

I should be the one up there.

My father's right. I'm... I'm a fuckup.

I'm a total fuckup.

You're on this little holiday in a... in fuck-up land,

but I live here permanently!

Uh. Josh, I messed up.

I messed everything up. I mean...

You just did the right thing and that took guts.

More guts than I have.

You're my best friend.

So, please, just step back from the ledge.

(CROWD MURMURING)

(APPLAUSE)

You're gonna be okay, man.

You think they bought it?

COOPER: Bought what? That I'm suicidal.

Wh... what?

Well, I don't think they'll throw somebody suicidal

out of school, do you?

No. No, no, of course not.

(CHUCKLES)

You magnificent bastard.

(CHUCKLES)

I can't believe you made me say all that stuff.

Think how proud your dad's gonna be

when he finds out you're a hero, huh?

You are a genius.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

Oh, they make such a cute couple.

Huh?

JOSH: If there's one thing I learned in college,

it's that things don't always turn out like you plan.

The school bent the rules a little bit

and gave me another semester to raise my grades.

I was about 13...

But I had to spend six months

in intensive therapy with Professor Durkheim,

and I learned that I liked psychology more than medicine,

so I changed my major.

Bye, Bob.

Cooper's dad was so proud

that he paid for him to stay in school for another year.

He still had to spend his vacations

working at the company,

and he says, "If you're stoned enough,

scrubbing toilets can be a zen-like experience."

And during the school year, he also got a job

working at the suicide hot line.

The mezzanine?

Well, can I even see the band from there?

How much are they?

A hundred and fifty bucks? Are you insane?

What? Oh, drop dead!

JOSH: Rachel and I got back together.

She likes having a boyfriend who's unstable

because it gives her inspiration for her creative writing.

Buckley eventually left Daleman and was arrested

for the attempted assassination of Bill Gates.

I'll be back! Count on it!

JOSH: Kelly broke up with Kyle... (GROWLS)

...and he spent the rest of the semester in confession.

KYLE: Father, I had my way with myself

on the freshman face book. I've just been, like... (SPITS)

...jacking off to this thing, for, like, three weeks.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, little Kyle! (MOANS)

♪ My words are my sperm ♪

♪ His words are his sperm ♪

JOSH: Matt and his band got famous,

and his album went straight to the top of the charts.

He even got interviewed on MTV by his hero Kurt Loder.

Pickle recovered and moved in with us.

We felt sorry for him,

plus we figured if he ever got really depressed again,

well, we might as well cover our bases,

if you know what I mean.

As for Cliff, Cliff was aboard a party cruise

that tragically caught on fire and capsized.

He refused to abandon ship, and his body was lost at sea.

Cooper seemed to take it harder than any of us.

(SCREAMS)

Buddy! Come on down! - No! (SCREAMS)

(BOTH GRUNTING

God! You're kneeling on my junk!

(BOTH SCREAMING, GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS) He's on me!

He's alive! - What's the matter? What's the matter?

No. He's alive. No, he's... - No, it was just a bad dream.

No. It was just a bad dream. - Fellas!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Now that was a fucking boat ride!

Whoo! An adventure like that makes me frickin' horny.

(FLAPS TONGUE) (BOTH WHIMPERING)

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ You could be headed For the serious strife ♪

♪ Now you make the scene All day ♪

♪ But tomorrow There'll be hell to pay ♪

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ You could be headed For the serious strife ♪

♪ Now you make The scene all day ♪

♪ But tomorrow There'll be hell to pay ♪

♪ People, listen attentively ♪

♪ I mean About future calamity ♪

♪ I used to think The idea was obsolete ♪

♪ Until I heard the old man Stamping his feet ♪

♪ Now the D and the A And the M and the N ♪

♪ And the A and the T And the I-O-N ♪

♪ Lose your face Lose your name ♪

♪ Then get fitted For a two-tone flame ♪

♪ D and the A and the M and the N ♪

♪ And the A and the T And the I-O-N ♪

♪ Lose your face Lose your name ♪

♪ Then get fitted For a two-tone fla-a-ame ♪

♪ A dusty house Through my dirty clothes ♪

♪ Seated in a town On the verge of extinction ♪

♪ Strumming up the tune Alone, I compose ♪

♪ A bittersweet ditty About an ex-girlfriend ♪

♪ So fuck her And her painful memories ♪

♪ Why tear out my heart For all the world to see? ♪

♪ Why not give our love A catchy melody? ♪

♪ Burning up the charts Sweet simplicity ♪

♪ We'll do it in the end ♪

♪ Gotta get away Maybe we should stay ♪

♪ Seated in a town On the verge of explosion ♪

♪ New York and L.A. No one listening anyway ♪

♪ Busy predicting The next big hit ♪

♪ So fuck that Get a change of scenery ♪

♪ I'll pack up the car And move to California ♪

♪ Find a better girlfriend And a catchy melody ♪

♪ Playing all the cards Happy harmony and do it again ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet love ♪

♪ And my blistered feet ♪

♪ It ain't easy ♪

♪ Come away ♪

♪ I was feeling fine ♪

♪ I'm the water's friend ♪

♪ I could stay here ♪

♪ For the day ♪

♪ We can stay here now ♪

♪ Like anyone, can't you? ♪

♪ We can stay here now ♪

♪ 'Cause here it comes Here it comes ♪

♪ It's a music show ♪

♪ Hear the distant sound ♪

♪ As the riot sun ♪

♪ Beats the sky ♪

(GROANING)

Holy cow! He's on fi... fire! - Whoa!

A little help here! - Pillows! Pillows!

(WHIMPERING) Hold on!

What happened? ZEKE: It's Cliff.

CLIFF: Zeke! (SQUEALS)

Come on, man! We weren't done!

No! - Let's go.

Come on! Enough is enough!

He's mine, fellas! Come on! (INDISTINCT CHATTER)