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You met her on
season 5 of RuPaul's Drag Race

as a sleepy, neurotic queen

who wouldn't shut up
about ducks.

You've seen her as
the milky swamp witch

skulking around the work room
on All Stars 7.

Now, get ready to see her

like you've never
seen her before.

- Upright and conscious!

Please welcome,
Jinkx Monsoon!

♪ Baby

♪ I've been stompin' 'round

♪ In these heels for
all the goddamn day

♪ I got

♪ Aches and annoyance
from livin' to earn my pay

♪ And some peace and quiet
from you

♪ Would really go a long way

♪ So ease it down

♪ You see, I'm tired

♪ I'm spent

♪ I'm really feelin' my age

♪ You know life
is twice as hard

♪ When you're livin'
half on the stage

♪ And I barely have the energy
to sing you this song

♪ So let's get some
cartoons and vodka

♪ And do 'em all night long

♪ Ooh, boy

♪ Are you ready for some fun?

♪ Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down

♪ Ooh

♪ Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down

♪ Ooh

♪ You can call me juvenile

♪ But I'm picky on how
I spend my time

♪ Don't you know

♪ it takes two crates
of makeup

♪ To go out lookin' this fine

♪ I don't work these nails
to the bone

♪ To hear you squabble
and whine

♪ So help me out

♪ You see, I'm hot

♪ I'm wet
and it's really not fair

♪ Takes more than a
tall cool glass of you

♪ There, honey
to bring me up for air

♪ And I've been too blown
to rest these bones

♪ For a long country mile

♪ So let's get some
cartoons and vodka

♪ And put 'em on for a while

♪ Ooh, boy

♪ Gimme some of that smile

♪ Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down

♪ Ooh

♪ Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down

♪ Ooh

Saint Syndrome on piano, everybody.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh-ho, boy!

♪ Are you ready for some fun?

♪ Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down

♪ Ooh

♪ Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down

♪ Ooh

Hi, everyone.
I'm Jinkx Monsoon.

Oh!

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

COVID!

Okay, now that we got that
out of the way.

I feel like you have to
address it, right?

I didn't know how
to bring it up

without making us all sad.

But I felt like
it's my responsibility,

as a voice for the people,
to at least acknowledge
that it happened.

Like, that happened.

When it happened,
I went through all the
drag queen stages of grief.

Okay, there is only stage,

and it's wondering,
"How is this going
to affect me...

"directly?"

It's really hard to just
watch my calendar

just like, gigs just started
disappearing left and right.

Like my dad.

- And, um...

Is it too early in the show
for a broken family joke?

I mean,

I don't think you're here
'cause you're well adjusted.

Dads are so optional
these days.

Watching all my gigs disappear.

And I really thought 2020
was gonna be my year,
you know?

Like, I was all set up
for a great year.

I had, um,
just gotten
a hair transplant,

How does it look?

I had finally justified
the huge splurge

that is, getting
a hair transplant,
you know?

Because I had so many gigs
lined up right afterwards.

I was gonna make it all back!

I was, you know,
in a committed relationship.

I'm now married.

Ooh!

See! My wedding ring.
This is the proof.

I was in a
committed relationship

with my hung
British husband.

More on that later.

It takes a while to
talk about it,
but, um...

I really thought 2020
was gonna be my year.

You know, I was all set up.

And, then, I know I sho...
I don't know why
I'm complaining.

You know, like,
we all went through this.

But...

I had to start living at home.

Like, for someone
who's just been
constantly on the road

for 10 years,
imagine the adjustment

to, just like, living at home.

I realized
there are so many things
that I'd forgotten how to do.

Like, answering
phone calls...

and reading physical mail,

Brushing my teeth.

It was a lot to take on.

I became quiet a hermit.

And just to be safe,
while social distancing,

I really played it safe.
I even avoided eye contact.

It was
an introvert's holiday.

And now, we are coming out
of the pan... Are we?

I still don't know.

I still don't know.
One day, we just arbitrarily,
we're like, "It's done!"

"It's over, y'all!"

Start sucking dick and
spitting' on each other again.

It's done.

And now, I don't know...

I don't know.
It's so funny that we live in
this time that people are,

you know, "people"...
Republicans are

actively trying
to strip away our rights,

while so many straight people
are starting to embrace
the gay lifestyle,

in ways they
never have before.

Okay.
And I'm not against it.

Who's straight here?

Yeah,
you think in my audience.

We got three!

We got three...
Three or four.

You're out on your,
"Once a year day!

"The kids are at home.

"I'm gonna see a drag show!"

I don't mind that
straight people are embracing

the queer lifestyle
more and more,

but I do have some requests.

Straight girls...

stop doing poppers on
the dance floor.

That's cultural appropriation,
and I don't appreciate it.

Poppers on the dance floor.

And, I'm sorry. But...

straights.

Sorry.

You.

Straight people,

kindly stop eating ass.

Do you know how hard
we worked for that?

We fought for years

for the right to eat ass.

You can't just come in late and
start reaping the benefits

of years of
gay rights movements.

Marsha P. Johnson
marched on Washington

so that we could eat ass.

No. Ass eating is great.
Everyone should try it.

I'm gonna go off-script
for a second,

because there's just...

I don't know if you know this,
but I can see you.

Um...

I know it's been, like,
two years without going
out to live theater,

but I can literally
see all of you.

This isn't TV.

So I need you
to just constantly
be smiling and laughing.

Okay?

'Cause I'm a Virgo,
I'm gonna look out in this crowd

and see that one person
wearing glasses with the beard

right there, who's just,
the whole show, been like...

Like, looking for cues
for when to laugh.

I'm talking about eating ass.

Just... crack a smile.

Are you wearing a corset?

No!

So, just smile, damn it.

I know I shouldn't tell people
how to experience things.

If you want to
just sit there,

make me feel horrible
about myself

through the whole show,
that's your prerogative.

But, now,
a famous person hates you.

So...

What's your name, darling?

What?

- Harris?
Harris.

Ha-Harris? Harris?

Okay.
That's a stupid name.

I'm sorry.

Harris, I'll find you
on Grindr after this.

It's okay.

I just came back from the UK.

That's a UK song.

I did just come back
from the UK.

That's not just a bit
I'm doing. That's real.

That's why I'm standing
on the right side of the stage
right now.

The UK.

When I was young,
I thought it was so fancy, right?

Just anything British
is just inherently fancier
than America, right?

The UK.

The UK is just the US
with bad lighting.

It's like...

I don't know if anyone
here is British.

So, sorry if you're feeling,
like, called out right now.

But they do this thing,
where, instead of "hello",

like a decent person would
say to someone on the street.

Instead of, like,
"Hello, how are you?"

They go,

"You okay?

"You all right?"

And as an alcoholic,

that is, like,
really triggering.

To just start a
conversation like that?

"You okay?"

"You don't know me!

"You don't know
what I did last night!"

And I'm a Virgo.
I'm highly anxious.

So, I always think
I must've done something.

Like...

"I'm sorry, whatever it is."

That's just how they
start a conversation.

Isn't that gross?

"You all right?"

But, I think the thing that
pisses me off the most about
the UK...

I know.
What a place of privilege, right?

Well, the thing that
pisses me off the most

about travelling to the UK.
Ever been?

One of the things that
really irritates me about
British people

is their inability
to grasp the concept

of a Subway sandwich shop.

They... they...

They don't know
how it works.

Sometimes, I'll be late
for a sound check,

and I'm standing behind

fucking flouncy totin' bottom
up there,

trying to order a sandwich
from Subway.

I know this makes me
sound like absolute trash.

I'm like...

Before sound check,
I always stop off at a Subway

and get my compulsory Footlong
before the show.

But, standing behind this
British person who doesn't know

how it works,
asking, like,

"What comes on the
Turkey Breast sandwich?"

"Anything you like, ma'am."

"Does it come with tomatoes?

"'Cause I don't like tomatoes.

"I don't like tomatoes."

"Comes with whatever
you want on it, ma'am."

"You pick the toppings"

"I don't want any tomatoes though.

"No tomatoes."

"It's a good call.

"The tomatoes look
rather poorly here."

"What's all them
green bits there?"

"That's lettuce, ma'am."

"Salad?

"On a sandwich?

"Huh!

"It's not even
Saint Crispin's feast day"

"You know what I hate
about international travel?"

I just can't get over that.

I don't know if you can tell
just by looking at me,

but I'm from
Portland, Oregon.

Oh, good! We have some.
Are you from Portland?

So humble over there,
clapping for yourself.

I was born and raised
in Portland.

I moved away,

and then I came back,

because Portlanders are
like the Amish on Rumspringa.

Ninety percent of them
come back after they, like,
sow their wild oats.

It's funnier if you're
from Portland.

Fuck you!

That joke kills
in Portland!

Why aren't you Portland?

I moved back to Portland.

I always had the plan
of moving back to Portland.

I always planned on it,

because I want to raise
my kids there.

Because I was raised
in Portland,

I was able to come out
at a very young age.

I had a lot of resources.
I knew other queer people.

It was a very good place
to grow up queer.

Portland, Oregon.

So, I've always wanted
to raise kids there
if I ever have them.

And I kind of
have this plan.

This is, like,
the most Portland-y thing.

I'm gonna have a
gender-reveal party, okay?

Boo!

Hiss!

I want to have a
gender-reveal party
in Portland,

and I want to make
a big deal about it.

Like, "Come to my
gender-reveal party
for my baby."

And get everyone coming
to this party

and be really, really excited.

I'll bring out the big cake,

and I'll be, like,
"Are you all ready?

"We're gonna find out
the gender of my baby!

"Are you ready?"

And then,
I cut into the cake

and pull out a slice,
and it's just white.

And everyone is, like, "Huh?"

"What gender is that?"

And then, I just start taking
fistfuls of the cake
and going,

"Fuck you!

"How dare you?

"How dare you
come to this party,

"supporting the
construct of gender

"as it's been mandated
by our oppressive overlords?

"You complacent asshole!

"How dare you think
I would raise my child

"in a gendered world?"

"But the cake?"

I know. Okay. So, I've used
the word "queer" a lot tonight,

and I don't know
where we all stand
with the word "queer".

I was raised believing
it was a, um, you know,

a reclaimed word,
an umbrella term,

for anyone
who is not straight.

But I know, you know,
different people come

from different parts
of the world,

and they have
different experiences
with the word "queer".

But, I have
to use the word "queer"

to just explain
the multitudes

in which I'm not straight.

It's like, "Gay doesn't cut
it for me, okay?"

And I know what you
see right now.

I know what you're
looking at right now

is a gorgeous,
cis-gendered woman.

And you're brain...

You see a mature woman
of a certain age,

and your brain is like,

"Queer? What?"

But I use the word "queer",

because, you know,
trademark gay,
it just doesn't cut it for me.

You know, I'm not gay, as in,
"I like to suck cock",

but queer, as in,
"I'm just a hole, sir."

Not gay, as in, like,
"Brunch with the girls",

but queer, as in,
"Feed me, Seymour.

"Feed me now!"

I'm not gay, as in, like,
"I'm gonna do drag
on Halloween",

but queer, as in,
"I am Christine Baranski."

I just am her.

I'm not gay, as in, like,
"Yaas!"

But queer, as in...

Very queer.

You know, representation
in the media is so important.

I think, you know, gay people
and queer people are alike.

We only recently started having,
like, really good representation

in the media.

And, for so long, you know,
we had to find representation

in things that weren't
actually meant
to be queer representation,

but we saw it.
We saw it.

You know, like,
those trademark gays,
they saw themselves

in Peter Pan,

you know, the eternal twink
wearing leggings,

hanging out in the woods

with the lost boys,
you know.

Queer people,

we saw ourselves in movies
like Addams Family Values.

It was Pavlovian.

You know, like,
lipstick lesbians
saw themselves

in Morticia Addams,

suburban Hot Topic shoppers
saw themselves in Wednesday,

fisting enthusiasts
saw themselves in Thing.

I've always seen myself
as Debbie Jellinsky.

I'm trusting you all saw this,

'cause Addams Family Values
is arguable the queerest

Addams Family film
in the Addams Family franchise.

And, you know,
at a very young age,

Debbie Jellinsky
really resonated with me.

Played by the
unsung queer icon,
Joan Cusack.

I resonate with this character
so much that

I even wrote a song
about it, and...

I'm gonna sing
that song for you now.

Hit it!

♪ I don't wanna hurt anybody

♪ I don't enjoy
hurting anybody

♪ I don't like guns, or bombs
or electric chairs

♪ But sometimes
people just won't listen

♪ And so I have
to use persuasion

♪ And slides

♪ My parents
generous, doting

♪ Or were they?

♪ All I ever wanted was
a Ballerina Barbie

♪ In her pretty pink tutu

♪ My birthday
I was ten

♪ And do you know
what they got me?

♪ Malibu Barbie

♪ That's not what I wanted

♪ That's not who I was

♪ I was a ballerina

♪ Graceful! Delicate!

♪ They had to go

♪ 'Cause what about Debbie?

♪ What about me?

♪ They're the ones
who killed my childhood

♪ And I get the third degree?

♪ I've always said that
love is war as far as I can see

♪ So what about Debbie?

♪ What about me?

♪ My first husband
The heart surgeon

♪ All day long

♪ Coronaries, transplants

♪ Sorry about dinner, Deb

♪ The Pope has a cold

♪ Husband two

♪ The senator

♪ He loved his state
He loved his country

♪ Sorry, Debbie
No Mercedes this year

♪ We have to set an example

♪ Oh, yeah?

♪ Set this!

♪ 'Cause what about Debbie?

♪ What about me?

♪ He thought the car
we had was fine

♪ Until it pinned him
to a tree

♪ You know we all deserve
a little respect and courtesy

♪ So what about Debbie?

♪ What about me?

♪ You took me in

♪ You accepted me

♪ But did any of you love me?

♪ I mean, really love me?

♪ So I killed

♪ So I maimed

♪ So I destroyed
one innocent life after another

♪ Aren't I a human being?

♪ Don't I yearn
and ache, and shop?

♪ Don't I deserve love?
And jewelry?

♪ Yeah, don't forget Debbie

♪ Don't forget me

♪ I sure hope you
enjoyed our little chat

♪ 'Cause I'm the last face
you'll see

♪ And when you're burning
with the rest of them

♪ Your final thoughts will be

♪ What about Debbie?

♪ What about me?

♪ What about me?

♪ What about me?

♪ What about me?

♪ What about me?

♪ What about me?

♪ Oooh!

♪ Goodbye, everyone

♪ Wish me luck

Thank you.

Joan Cusack...

Oh, wow!

Oh, no. That became
Jennifer Coolidge for a second.

Wow.

You look great.

Wow.

We discover
a lot about ourselves

through media, you know.

Sometimes,
things we didn't realize

we were gonna
discover about ourselves.

We're not responsible

for what happens
when we watch certain movies.

Okay?

I think it's time that Disney
takes some responsibility.

Disney is responsible
for my foot fetish.

Sorry!

I used to be more nervous
to talk about my foot fetish,

but it's, like,
so mainstream
these days.

You know, like,
every Instagrammer, like,

posts pics of their feet now,
so I feel comfortable
telling you.

Disney is responsible
for my foot fetish.

Um, the movie was
the Beauty and the Beast.

When I was watching
Beauty and the Beast,

and that scene where

Gaston comes swaggering
into Belle's hut,

giant dick slapping
back and forth

as he walks in.

I assume.

No one with a chin that big
doesn't have a dick to match, right?

As I've found.

When Gaston came swaggering
into that hut,

I saw that. I was like,
"Yaas, Gaston, yaas!"

"I will be
your brood mother.

"You can go hunt,
and I'll have babies."

But...

more disturbingly,

when he pushed off
those big muddy boots,

slammed his feet
up on the table,

and there was that one big toe
sticking out of that sock.

Oh, don't pretend like
you don't remember the toe!

Don't act like that toe isn't
burned into your memories
for all time.

You know the toe!

When I saw that one big toe,

sticking out of that sock,
it was like,

♪ Something has changed
within me

♪ Something is not the same

Disney is responsible
for my foot fetish!

And I'm pretty sure they are
responsible for furries, too.

But...

But, um, that's all
I'm gonna say about that.

Not gonna poke that bear.

Bear! Get it?

- She was talking about furries.

So, I've known I was queer
for a very long time.

I've known I was genderqueer
for a very long time.

I came out as a non-binary
in my early twenties.

And I just get progressively
femmer and femmer every year.

And I got to say,
there is one place.

It's just, it's rough.

It's rough to be non-binary
at airports.

It fucking sucks!

Airports are the most
gender-phobic place
you'll ever experience.

Every single airport.
Terrible!

Airports are hellmouths.

When you go through TSA,
the security checkpoint

as a gender non-binary,
genderqueer, like,
non-descript person.

When you look like me,
out of drag.

Do you know what
I look like out of drag?

You know, just like,
androgynous, shapeless
sack of pizza dough.

Just like...

rising out of Spanx leggings,
you know,

that I bought at the airport.

When you go through TSA
as a genderqueer person,

they, like, flip a coin,
and you get in that machine,

and they gender you.

And then, they freak out
when they got it wrong.

They're, like, mad at you
that they misgendered you.

And, like,
one specific time...

I was mortified.

I went through, you know,
that radiation pod.

"No, there is nothing
in my pockets. Just do it."

Like, you're taking
a Silkwood shower
in the middle of the...

I step out
of the radiation pod,

and the TSA agent
just starts screaming,

"We have a groin anomaly!"

Like, that loud.

"We got a groin anomaly!

"We're gonna need a pat down on
this groin anomaly over here.

"Yup, we got a flip-flop."

A groin anomaly.
Just shouting it!

Pointing at me and shouting,

"We got a groin anomaly!"

And everyone else in security
is looking at me, like,

"What could the
groin anomaly be?"

"We got a groin..."

This...
That can't be protocol,
right? Like...

Can you imagine
reading the handbook?

And it's like,
"If you encounter someone

"with genitalia that doesn't
match your expectations
of that person,

"be sure to single them out
and start screaming about it."

"We got a groin anomaly!

"Everybody down!"

Harris, if you want to find me
on Grindr after this,

its Groinanomaly87, okay?

Remember that.

I own it!

I choose to own it!

But even worse
than security is

bathrooms,
restrooms, toilets.

Airport bathrooms are
the nexus of all evil.

It's like, "Where do you go when
you're a genderqueer person?"

I choose to go
into the men's room.

You know, because if I'm gonna
make someone uncomfortable
with my presence,

I'd rather it be men.

So, I use the men's restroom,
you know.

And, oh, my God!

My favorite is,
I'm standing there
washing my hands,

singing Happy Birthday twice,
you know,

like the CDC says.

I don't think I'd ever washed
my hands before the pandemic.

Does anyone else
feel like that?

Like, during the pandemic,
I was, like, "One.

"Sing Happy Birthday."

I've been doing it wrong
for 34 years.

So, I'm washing my hands
at the sink in the restroom, and...

you know,
the door will swing open.
A guy goes...

"I think you're
in the wrong restroom."

And I like to answer,

"No, I don't think I am."

"Uh,
this is the men's restroom."

Or my favorite. I think...
I don't know where I was.

France!

I start walking into
a very crowded
men's restroom,

and a guy followed me
from the door to the stall,

going, "No, no.
Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!"

Like, what an insult
to my intelligence, right?

Like, forget that it's,
like, just mean.

But what an insult
to my intelligence.

Like, I, as a grown-ass
human being, can't read
a three letter sign?

Like, I walk in,
and I see the urinals,

and I'm like,
"Must be bidets."

Like, I can't hear the cascades
of red meat diarrhea
sloshing out of...

these businessmen
at the airport!

It's astounding.

They shit like
they are cheating on
their toilets at home.

They go to the airport
like they've been
saving it up all month.

"Can't wait to get
to that airport bathroom

"and really dump out."

Like I can't hear it.

Like I'm not counting
every single plop
and grunt that I hear.

Think I don't know
what fucking restroom
I'm in.

No, this is the men's restroom.

Duh!

And it pisses me off...
It pisses me off,

because they're insulting
my intelligence,

and I'm doing
what the Republicans want.

I'm going to the restroom
I was assigned at birth.

This is what they asked
me to do.

This is what they
passed laws about.

And then I'm doing it
and they are like,

"You can't be in here."

Where do I piss?

And it just...
it blows my mind.

It blows my mind
that the same Republicans

that are passing those laws
are the ones that keep getting
caught with their gay lovers,

in those restrooms.

Like, where is
the logic there.

Like I'm gonna
cheat on my wife.

And I'm gonna do it
standing up in a stall in
a room that smells like shit.

I'm gonna cheat on my wife
with a man,

but he had a better damn
be a cisgender man,

using the bathroom
that God intended him to use.

The only thing that I used to
like about airports...

Was, you know,
drinking at 10:00 a.m.

Like, that was the only thing
you like about airports.

Like, drag queens on tour.

Oh, just any excuse.

There is a five minute delay.

Well, we better
go to the bar.

My liver is still
on UK time, girl.

And we make all
the justifications,
like, it's a Bloody Mary.

That's how I'm getting
my fruits
and vegetables in.

It's practical.

It's keeping the scurvy
at bay.

Now I don't even have
daytime drunkenness

to look forward
to anymore, because...

- I know.

I am actually
three years sober
from alcohol.

Thank you.

That's so nice of you.

That's what happens
when I say that in America,
I get applause.

In the UK,
I got booed off stage.

In the concept
of like clapping
for someone

for quitting something,
you know.

You stopped doing it.

It's the most boring
accomplishment I've ever had.

But, I just can't tell you how
nice it is not to be dependent
on a substance anymore.

Oh, my God. Thank God.
I really needed that.

I don't know how I was gonna
get through the show
without that, um...

But when I did drink,
I was pretty good at drinking.

I was pretty good.
I was a hardened alcoholic.

As in, I only drank
straight vodka.

'Cause I thought, like,
it's easier to pace
myself that way.

Nothing getting in the way.

Nothing fooling my perception.
No sugar, no bubbles.

Just straight vodka.

On my birthday,

my friend went to the bartender
at a bar I was working at
and asked for my favorite drink.

This was a wakeup call.
They poured a tumbler
of room temperature vodka.

I was good
at drinking though, um...

I always knew how to find
a discreet place to puke.

You might think that
there is no good place
to puke in an elevator, but...

Get ready for this life hack.

You know that space between
the elevator and the building,

when the doors open up
and there is that space.

That little gap.

And you can see
all the way down the shaft.

Listen to this.

I hunkered down.

And with laser precision,

I puked directly
down the gap.

I don't know how I did it.
There was no splash back.

No one was affected by it.

That's when I was like,
"I am really good
at drinking."

I was leaving a party
on the 33rd floor

and I was like,
"I gotta puke.

"There is a gap."

But imagine this though.

Sometimes when I would
get drunk,
crazy things would happen.

Like the first time
I was at Sydney Pride.

Sydney in Australia,
ever been?

Sydney Pride.

I was in the VIP section.

And in a full blown blackout,

I haggled with some drag queen

over the price of molly.

Because even in a blackout
I'm still a shrewd
business woman.

So I haggled her down
on her molly.

What a fucking monster, right?

In America I can get
a molly pill for 20 bucks.

So I haggled this queen down.

Buying molly for me
and my friends.

And then I had to go
to the ATM to get some cash.

And while I was at the ATM,
my friends decided,

"We don't wanna do molly
we rather do K, Ketamine."

And, um...
So then, I come back
and unknowingly,

take my first dose
of Ketamine.

Do you know what an alcoholic,
narcoleptic drag queen

doesn't need to do for the first
time in a social setting?

Horse tranquilizers.

I was asleep
on the couch for six hours.

The only time I woke up
was to
apparently have an

long unintelligible conversation
with someone's cool mom,

who'd tagged along
to the party.

It was Paula Abdul.

It was...

It was!
It was Paula Abdul.

That's not a bit,
this happened.

And I didn't find out
until a couple months ago,

on my podcast.

What a revelation.

I was like, Yeah
I was completely passed out
for six hours."

And my friend
was like, "Well, you did

"have that really long
uncomfortable conversation
with Paula Abdul."

"Paula Abdul was there?"

Met her in the middle
of the K.

Puked at that party, too.

I did.

But I think
that the reason why I...

You know, I didn't admit
for a long time that I had
a problem with drinking,

because I was a drag queen,

and we are all
fucking alcoholics.

It's our lot in life,
you know.

It's our Polyjuice potion.

Um...

But I have
a very specific barometer

for what makes
an alcoholic.

And I think that's why
I kept drinking the way
I did for so long, because...

Um, I was holding myself
to a very specific standard
that I don't recommend at all.

Uh, so right now
I'm gonna tell you
this story,

so that you can
learn from it.

It's the story
of Big Gay Tom.

Big Gay Tom.

Was a big,
gay party animal,

who is always on his way
to or from some rager.

He was always
on at least three substances.

And he was my hero.

One night I see
Big Gay Tom at a party.

And he goes,
"Girl."

You know, he had
that raspy, hoarse gay voice.

There's like three types
of gay voice. This is like
gay pride voice,

"Girl."

He goes,
"Girl...

"Look at my finger."

And sure enough, his finger
was in a bloody bandage
and a split,

and I said
"Big Gay Tom, what happened
to your finger?"

And he says,
"Girl.

"Girl, I was
so fucking fucked up, girl.

"Girl, I tell you, I was
so fucking fucked up, girl.

"Girl, I was
so fucking fucked up, girl.

"I was so fucking
fucked up, girl.

"So fucking
fucked up, girl.

"Girl, I was so
fucking fucked up.

"I don't know, girl,
I was drunk and I...

"I fell on it and it exploded."

"It exploded?"

"Yeah, that's
what the doctor said.

"It exploded."

So, for weeks after that,

every time I saw Big Gay Tom,
I got an unsolicited update
on his finger.

Sometimes it was like,

"Jinkx girl,
look at my finger.
It's getting better, girl.

"Doctor says I can take
the bandage off soon, girl."

The next time I see him,

"Girl...

"Look at my finger, girl,
it's all fucked up, girl."

But then it would be,
"Girl, I can move it.
I can move my finger, girl.

"We're gonna
be all right, girl."

Next time,

"Girl...

"I fell
on my finger again, girl."

Until one day it was gone.

- I know.

I know it's hard to believe,
but one day I ran
into Big Gay Tom,

and his finger
was just gone.

And I said,

"Tom, what happened
to your finger?"

And he said, "Girl...

"that finger was more trouble
than it was worth."

Can you imagine?

He wouldn't take enough time
off from partying
to just let his

finger heal itself.

And that's the amazing thing,
is it would have healed itself.

The body is capable
of miraculous things.

But it got in the way.

Got on the way
of him having fun,
so he just cut it out.

Just like my dad.

Two, two.

That's not even
in the script.

It just came to me.

Oh, my gosh.

So, I had... I had
a weird barometer

for what makes an alcoholic.

I thought as long as I have
all my fingers, I'm okay.

As long as I don't elect
to remove an appendage,

I'm drinking pretty good.

And when I first quit,
I was really scared

that I was like...

You know when you get drunk
you feel like a sex goddess.

You know?
You feel so fucking sexy
when you're drunk.

You're like,
you pound a shot
and you're just like,

you're on a catwalk
for the rest of the night.

And I was so scared,
like, can I be sexy

without being wasted?
I know, it sounds like...

That's drunk logic.
Can I be sexy if I'm not

stumbling down the street,

slurring my words?

Because I love having sex.
I'm a slut.

I know you don't wanna think
about your mom having sex.

But I'm a vibrant,
sexually active woman.

And, um...
I've just always
been a slut.

I have.
I've always been a slut.

In college...
Hell, in high school.

In middle school,
I was...

I was just... I was
that one queer person

that all the straight guys
experimented with.

Oh, he just started
clapping right away.

You know,
you know the struggles.

Is that your straight friend
right there?

Oh, my gosh,
every straight guy.

Because, you know, I was
just femme enough

to, like,
not threaten anything,
you know.

So every straight guy
who was even
barely bi-curious

would come
experiment with me.

Yeah.

I was like a semipermeable
membrane between
straight and gay.

Straight guys would come

clanging up against
this fatty bi-lipid.

Remember science?

They come slamming up
against this fatty bi-lipid.

And some of them would pass
on through to homosexuality.

Some of them it was like,
"you shall not pass!"

Too much teeth, um...

I bet you didn't know
that's how homosexuality
was transferred,

through osmosis.

So I've just always been
a slut, and you know,
being an ethical slut,

being like a responsible slut,
it takes practice, you know.

Takes years
of embarrassing situations. Like...

This one summer
in college... ahm.

Drag queens love
to brag about going
to college.

It's one constant
among drag queens.

I went to college... ahm.

One summer in college,
I was sleeping with this guy,
he was a chef.

He always kinda
smelled like garlic,
so keeper. You know.

And we had
a great sexual chemistry,
and so we were...

We were doing lot of fucking.
We were doing lot of banging
that summer.

And then, you know,
I don't know if you know this,
but summer eventually ends.

And so you know,
our love affair, our tryst
was coming to an end.

And it was one of the last
nights we were gonna be
able to see each other,

and roommates were out,
so I call him up and I'm like,

"Do you wanna come over
for one last...
dip in the honey pot?"

And he said, "Yeah,
I will come over,

"but I gotta be honest
with you, I've been drinking."

I didn't know why that was
like an issue,
you know, I was like,

"Whatever, call a cab."

And so, he came over,
and I... you know,

I don't know why...
I didn't know why
he had specified

that he had been drinking,
but I soon found out.

You know
what whiskey dick is?

Whiskey dick?
Lesbians?

Whiskey dick is...

This is what Whiskey dick is.
When person who has a penis

has had too much whiskey,
they might find it hard,

no, it's the opposite.

They might find it difficult
to achieve and maintain
a full blown erection.

And it doesn't just happen
with whiskey.
I have seen Jager dick.

I have seen
Sauvignon Blanc dick.

Mike's not-so-hard lemonade,
you know.

So, the chef had
whiskey dick that night.

But it was our
last night together.

So we... we just gave it
the college try, you know.

And after hours
of just pulverizing
his penis...

We finally got his dick
just hard enough

to have sex.

Just hard enough.

Have you ever heard
the expression
"pushing rope"?

We got it just hard enough,
and it wasn't the best sex,

but it got the job done.

And then afterwards,
you know,
as we were redressing.

I was sheepishly redressing,
because I was raised Catholic.

So even though
I'm a slut, I am always like,
I feel horrible afterwards.

- It's like...

It's like,
I'll have the sex,

and then I'll feel horrible
for three hours afterwards.

So fun. Um...

So, I am redressing,
we're making small talk,
filling that awkward silence.

And I'm looking
around the room,

and I said, "Wait,
where is the condom?

"I've got to
throw condom away."

And he looks me in the eyes
and in menthol cool confidence,
he says,

"Oh, yeah,
I think it's
still inside you."

Like it was no big deal.

"I think
it's still inside you."

Like...

I was so scandalized.
I was shocked.

This had never
happened before.

But I wanted to save face,
so I was like...

Weird.

How did that happen?

I don't know
why I asked that question.

How did that happen?
I knew what happened.

His limp dick left
its trash inside of me.

But I was trying
to play it cool,
so I said,

"How did that happen?"
And he...
Oh, my God. He said,

"I don't know,
I think your ass is too tight."

Excuse me?

Too tight?

That's the point.

That's why it feels so good
when you fuck it.
It's cause it's tight.

He tried to
blame it on me.

This floppy dick motherfucker

tried to blame it on me.

And I was
so embarrassed.

I would...
I didn't even want to go
take care of it, you know.

I refused to go
to the restroom
and take care of it.

'Cause I knew the second I did,
he'd know what
I was doing in there.

Pushing a condom
out of me.

He had robbed me
of my mystique.

So I left it inside me
for 45 minutes.

While we were saying
our goodbyes.

You know, talking about
what we are gonna do
in the fall. And all the while

my brain is like,
"There's a condom
inside of you!

"It's still in there!

"What's gonna happen?

"How long can it
stay there?

"It's gonna float up
to your brain.
You're gonna have a stroke."

So I decided
after that encounter,

that I would never let
someone blame me

for something
they did to me.

I feel like
that's pretty simple, right?

Don't let someone
blame you for something
they did to you.

But I am happy to report
that quitting drinking did not
kill my sex drive.

I'm still having lots of sex.
And I remember it.

I will tell you one thing
that has definitely improved
my sex life.

Being famous, uhm...
No, I'm joking.

I'm joking.
I mean...
I'm not joking, but...

You know, nothing improves
a drag queen's sex life

like going on
RuPaul's Drag Race.

My Grindr's always going
off the hook.
It's like...

That's what Grindr...
That's what Grindr
sounds like.

But more
importantly than that.
I have embraced

my true identity.

In the last ten years,

you know,
every year I take further steps
towards my true identity.

I identify as
a trans-femme-non-binary
human being.

And it took me years to like,
just even be able

to say that to myself.
And like, be chill with that,
you know.

'Cause I've been a drag queen
since I was like 15.

But I would take drag off,
and I would think I'd have
to put on boy drag,

'cause I had to be boy
when I'm not in drag,
you know.

I thought that only way
anyone was gonna have
anything to do with me

is if I presented as male.

And when I...
When I really started
to embrace my truth,

I realized sex is
so much better when you
get to be yourself during it.

You know...
Like when you're not...

Like when you're not
having to like make
boy noises during sex.

I get to make the noises

I naturally make now,
and I always just thought,
you know like,

because of the way
society talks to us about gender
and teaches us about gender,

you think,
"Who's gonna wanna love,

you know, that, um,
shapeless sack of pizza dough
that I described earlier?"

Turns out lots...

- Lots of people.

Lots.

I met my husband.

Um...
We've been married
for over year now.

See? And, um,
he is British,
I think I mentioned that.

Um, I am basically
bilingual now. Um...

Marriage is
all about compromise.

I watched 13 Going on 30.

Watching any Jennifer Garner
movie is just, you know,
compromise on my end.

We were watching it
and he's like,

"Are you liking it more than
you thought you would?"

I was like,
"I'm liking it the exact amount
I thought I would."

And he said, like,
"Well, I'm sorry it doesn't
have Babadook in it."

I just realized, um...
I told that whole story about
the condom up my butt.

Which, I am sorry
if that's not the show
you expected.

I bet you thought it was all
gonna be like, "Love yourself.
Water off a duck's back."

Judy Garland impressions.

Thank you.

Thank you. That's marvelous.
It's absolutely wonderful.

It's so nice to
see you all here.

I'm not Dorothy anymore.

I chopped off the pigtails,
you see.

Um...

I know you expected that
probably and then you came,

and it's like,
"Let me tell you about the time
I lost a condom up my butt."

So I realized
I told you

a whole story
about condom getting lost
up my butt, and I...

know that some
of you are visual learners.

And you're probably
like, "I don't know
how it happened."

So I prepared
a demonstration.

Now...

So I used to take...
teach, like,
safe sex lessons.

Um, at the...

All Ages Queer Youth
Resources Center
of Portland Oregon.

And we used to do,
you know, like, how to
put on condom demonstration.

So, when you are showing
someone how to put on
a condom on an erect penis,

um, you can use
a banana, or a cucumber.

Um, a carrot.

But when you're doing
whiskey dick demonstration,

you take
the banana peel off first.

So for those of you
who still don't know
the mechanics

of how that condom
got lost in my butt...
Beautiful, pinch the tip.

This banana...
This banana is ready

for some safe, consensual,
responsible sex.

So, um... This...

This was his penis.

His whiskey dick.

This right here
is my pristine,

tight, tight butthole.

And this is
how it happened.

Get in there.

Until finally
it just worked its way up.

And it was lost forever.

And now...

Oh, did you...
You all just watched me
do that.

You all just watched
this middle aged woman
in corset

struggle to get down...

No one offered any help.

Thanks a lot.

This is now
a souvenir for you.
You get to keep that.

Just tie it off.
Tie it off. Oh.

Here is some extra.

So, um...

So, if you take away
one lesson from tonight...

It's, um, what I said
about embracing
your true identity.

Especially when it comes
to having sex,
when finding sexual partners,

because, um,
it just makes things
so much better.

I actually wrote, um...
I didn't write it.
I don't...

Who has the time?

My music partner
Major Scales...

You hear that, Major?
They know your name.

Um...

Major wrote this song.

But it is completely
written about experiences
that I have had in my own life.

Um, and I sing it
for you now.

So that you may
learn from it.

You're welcome.

Hit it.

♪ There's so much noise
in the world today

♪ For whatever reason
we all get to have our say

♪ But respect
for which everybody begs

♪ Is hard to find
with people so concerned

♪ With what's
between our legs

♪ Now in the past
I've caused confusion

♪ It's true

♪ But what's the fun
of living life
pink or blue?

♪ I say, just tell 'em all
to shut up

♪ And just be you

♪ La da di da da da ba da

♪ Now when I'm at the movies
and I'm standing in line

♪ I might hear some guy
shout out saying
"Girl, you look fine"

♪ Well, I may think
it's rude

♪ But that old attitude
makes me laugh

♪ Or if I'm on the phone
and I'm talking so bold

♪ And that operator says to me
"Ma'am, please hold"

♪ Well, I know it's my voice

♪ It's never been
a choice for me

♪ I may sound like a dame
and my curves make 'em cry

♪ But there is more man
to me than meets the eye

♪ No, I'm not either or

♪ What a bore, I'm just me

♪ Now when I'm at the doctor
for little old check up

♪ And he says
I've marked the wrong box
and I wanna yell, "Step up!"

♪ Well, I take it in stride

♪ It won't change
what's inside of me

- Might change the results
of that Pap smear though.
- Shut up.

♪ Or if I'm
at airport security

♪ And they send in
some chick

♪ To start patting me down
until she notices my

♪ Dic-tion and
my grammar correct

♪ I am what I elect to be

♪ Now you can
call me uncouth

♪ Call me
in a pinch hitter

♪ You can call me
miss, or mister

♪ Just don't
call me a quitter

♪ I've got nothing to prove

♪ Doll or dude

♪ I'm just me

♪ What does it matter
if you're a girl, or a guy

♪ What good's a label do?

♪ Don't let them tell you
that it's do or die

♪ I say, buck up
They're the fuck up

♪ Don't let them put
the blame on you

♪ Whoa, oh, oh

♪ We're both
the beauty and the beast

♪ We're the genie
and the lamp

♪ We're the tramp
and we're the lady

♪ Though I'm mainly
just the tramp

♪ Blowing up the binary

♪ I'm a stiletto
on a size 12 shoe

♪ Enjoy the show
and stick around, or screw

♪ Yeah, there's nothing
they can do

♪ Darling, it's true
'cause I'm just

♪ Me

♪ Me

Thank you.

Thank you so much.
You've been
a wonderful crowd.

Thank you, all.
Thank you,
thank you.

Thank you.

Saint Syndrome,
my pianist for the evening.

Thank you all so much,
and um...
I just want to remind you,

sex is so much better
when you get to be yourself
during it.

Don't let anyone
slut shame you.

If they do,
they are probably
just religious and...

And all religions
are cults.

Goodnight, everybody!