Original subtitles

♪ upbeat theme playing ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

- We all have a blind spot for our parents.

We want to believe they're perfect,

but the truth is-- SOPHIE'S SON [on video]: Oh wow,

are you finally admitting you have flaws?

- [laughs] No, I'm talking about other people's parents.

I am perfect. Now, stop interrupting.

- Great! Okay, I'll see you tonight.

- Ooh! Was that Drew?

- [laughs] Yes.

He invited me to game night with his friends.

- Mm! Look at you.

- Okay, can you just do normal vowels?

- This is a big step in the relationship.

Meeting his friends, pretending to like game nights.

- No, this is not a big step.

Ha! - Knock, knock!

[laughs] - Mom! Hey!

What are you doing here? - [scoffs] What do you think?

Honey, I wouldn't miss your birthday.

- Ah.

My birthday was a week ago.

- Well, it was supposed to be today.

It's not my fault you came early.

Actually, it's a little my fault.

They say sex in the third trimester

can really move things along.

- On the plus side,

I got to see Woody Harrelson's penis from the inside.

- He came early, too.

- Oh, Mom!

- This is the worst episode of Gilmore Girls ever.

- Come on! We're going to brunch. You can meet my friends.

But, you cannot hit on Val's hot British boyfriend.

- I would never.

- You remind me of a young Sting.

[sniffing]

And you smell like him, too.

- Mom.

- Uh, how do you know what Sting smells like?

- Oh, honey, I know what all the greats smell like.

I made the most of my modeling days,

back when I modeled.

I used to be a model.

- Wait, were you a model?

- So, this is a new Bloody recipe.

Just let me know what you, uh...

[awkwardly]: Hello. SOPHIE: Oh, Sid.

This is my mom.

- Uh... I... just realized

I only put one olive in these. [forced laugh]

What is this? The Oliveless Garden?

- That was weird, right?

Someone should go ask him if he's okay. - Totally.

VALENTINA/JESSE/CHARLIE: Not it!

- Uh, Mom, tonight I have game night, but tomorrow,

do you wanna do that thing where we go to Times Square

and we tell tourists wrong directions?

- But I'm only here till tomorrow,

and I want you to meet my new boyfriend, Ash.

- Oh. Hm.

There's a new boyfriend?

- Yeah, he and his band have a show tonight in Brooklyn,

and then we're off to Austria for his European tour.

So, you got to come meet him tonight.

- Sophie can't go.

Like she said, she's got plans.

- It's fine. I'll be there.

- Great! You'll love him.

Oh, I got to go. I have cryotherapy.

Hey, you should all try it.

Keep it cold, it won't get old.

I will see you tonight. You're all invited.

- There we go, all better.

And look at that. Darn. Oh.

I missed Sophie's mother. CHARLIE: Your loss.

She's a delight. If you name a rock star, she's probably smelled them.

- She is the best. Which is...

why it's such a bummer she chooses the worst guys.

And then they blow up her life, and I have to pick up the pieces.

I guess I'm going to be convincing her

to dump this musician before she winds up stranded in Vienna,

sobbing in her schnitzel.

Anybody want to keep me company?

- Of course. Babe? - Hm?

Well, I had set aside tonight

to try and figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

It's gonna get pathetic, spending my days

swapping recipes with the old yentas in our building.

ELLEN: Well, I'm in.

Right after I watch The Good Fight starring my queen, Christine Baranski.

- I wouldn't miss it. [ringtone]

- Oh. Great. Show's at the Happy Idiot.

- I'm missing it.

I-I-I-- The Happy Idiot is where I proposed to Meredith.

I can't ever go back. I'd be way too traumatized.

- Yep. I can't go either, out of solidarity with Jesse.

- No, that's fine-- - No, no!

Solidarity.

- Okay, someone really needs to go talk to him now.

ALL: Not it! JESSE: Not it! Oh...

♪

- Jesse, I have wonderful news for you.

I have finally figured out my calling.

I have decided to help those suffering from trauma.

And you are going to be my first patient!

- Okay, slow down.

How did you figure out this was your calling?

- A wonderful question, patient.

You see, my rarefied upbringing

has left me with virtually no practical life skills,

but no one has had more therapy than I.

- Oh, I didn't know you were in therapy.

- [sighs] Was I ever!

See, when I was a boy,

my mother caught me talking to one of her wigs.

She put me in therapy shortly after,

and Dr. Wallace helped me realize the wigs

were just a substitute for my mother's affection.

And I haven't had a conversation with a wig in months.

- Wait, months? - And now,

I'm going to pour everything I've learned

into healing others. Jesse,

you are a traumatized mess.

You can't go to the Happy Idiot. You call yourself a musician,

but you haven't played that keyboard since I met you.

I mean, look at it!

Begging to be touched.

Like one of my mother's long, silky Saturday night wigs.

- Okay. Hey, listen. Uh...

Why the hell not? Alright, take your best shot.

- Great!

We will start with exposure therapy.

Jesse, when was the last time you watched this viral video of yours?

- Oh, I've never seen it. I'd be way too traumatized.

- Well, that's where we'll start. - All cued up.

- Wait, you have it bookmarked? - Yeah, of course.

You're my best friend.

♪

- Alexa, play The Good Fight.

ALEXA: Here's The Good Fight.

- Thanks, boo.

Got my Baranski, got my BLT.

Everything's coming up Ellen.

Aw!

[sighs]

This rotten tomato is 0% fresh!

[sighs]

♪ scheming music ♪

[quiet chatter]

- Save some for the rest of us.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- No, I'm kidding. Go nuts. My grandma would be happy.

She hated wasted food.

She also hated smartphones, slow waiters,

and Zooey Deschanel's whole vibe.

I'm Rachel. I make jokes when I'm sad.

- I'm Ellen. I whistle Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes when I'm anxious.

- These are from my favorite brunch spot.

They get all of their produce from this biodynamic farm upstate.

Sorry, I'm kind of a produce nerd. You don't care about this.

- Yes, I do.

I own a lettuce farm.

- No way.

So, how did you know my grandmother?

ELLEN: Great question.

We were...

best friends.

SOPHIE: [sighs] I'm sorry again.

It's just the only night my mom's in town.

- I totally get it.

I mean, I'm gonna have to be my own charades partner though,

which is slightly awkward.

I'm going to be all like, one word. Movie.

[running in place]

I know! I know!

Jumanji! Woo!

[laughs] [knocking]

That's my friends. I gotta go. I'll call you later.

- Yeah, of course. Thanks again for understanding.

♪ bar music ♪

Okay, prepare yourself, alright?

Knowing my mom's track record,

Ash is probably some Jeff Bridges-looking dude,

guzzling Jim Beam and doing lines off a filthy coffee table.

[sighs]

- Stop making me miss college!

SOPHIE: Mom! - [gasps] Hey, girls!

You made it.

[soft laughter]

- And you must be Ash.

- Oh [laughs]. No, no, no. I'm Ash's tour manager Brad.

- Oh - Oh, uh, this is Ash.

- Hey.

Sophie. I've heard so much about you.

- Are you legally allowed to be in this bar?

[laughs]

- I can assure you, I am a very mature 27.

I've already had a colonoscopy.

- Ash! Our sex life is our business.

- Oh yeah? [laughs] God, is she always this funny?

[giggling]

- Well, he's not Jeff Bridges.

Probably doesn't know who Jeff Bridges is,

and to be honest, I don't either.

Your mom is fine, Soph. You can still make it to Drew's.

- No, they always seem okay at first.

Okay, trust me, this guy is bad news.

You know what? I know what's going on here.

I bet he's a gold digger who thinks my mom has money.

[laughs] Wait till he finds out

she got nada en el banco.

- We've talked about you doing the Spanglish thing.

- Sorry.

Okay, you go get a drink with my mom.

I'm gonna grill my teenage stepdad.

- [gasps] Teenage Stepdad would be a great Nickelodeon show.

- You're right. Let's add it to the Google Doc.

♪

♪

- There's some kinks to work out with my grandma trust,

but it looks like I'm going to get this apartment.

- Wow. Cool.

I can Airdrop you photos and stuff.

[laughs]

- These were Gamgam's favorite pair.

Think I could pull them off? - Yes.

They accentuate your perfect neck.

[both laugh]

- So, tell me. How did you become best friends

with an 85-year-old woman?

- Um, well...

One day, I was, um,

making a ruckus in my kitchen, and...

she came over to complain.

I said I loved her brooch,

and the rest is herstory!

[nervous laugh]

- Hey, you want to get out of here?

I kind of have this thing

where post-death rituals really bum me out.

- You're so weird.

- I was raised in Fresno, along with my twin sisters,

AKA my everything,

and I've always loved music.

I'm no Jason Mraz, AKA my other everything,

but I get to do what I love.

You know, and that is the ultimate gift.

- Aw, that's sweet.

Hm. You know what else is sweet?

Sugar.

And if you're a little sugar baby looking for a treat,

you're barking up the wrong mama.

- What?

- Are you with my mom for her money?

Because she doesn't have any! ASH: Sophie,

I know your mom is broke.

She's also beautiful

and alive and free.

To be honest...

I'm kind of falling in love with her.

- ♪ Marry me, Meredith ♪

♪ Please ♪

MEREDITH: Jesse, I'm sorry. I-I... [crowd murmuring]

[shocked whispering]

[thud] [Jesse yelling]

[clattering]

MAN: [laughs] He's so sad he pissed himself.

[laughter]

- No, didn't-- That's not even a thing!

I just spilled my Cosmo on my pants.

MAN: He drinks Cosmos! He's my aunt in the '90s!

- I have just one question.

- Because they're sweet and tart, and they make me happy!

- No. My question was

how did watching it make you feel?

- Oh. Uh...

Okay? I guess? I don't know.

I-I've been building up so much in my head, seeing it wasn't...

that bad.

- Brilliant. Then, we can move on to the next step

and return to the scene of the crime.

- You know what? Screw it. I'm ready. Let's go.

- Yes. Gentlemen, to the Happy Idiot.

- I can't go!

Sophie's mom took my masturbation virginity.

- So, Ash seems great.

- Oh, yeah. Ash is the best.

He'll only do it to Jason Mraz,

but I put in earplugs, so it works. [text chimes]

Oh! If you'll excuse me, I gotta wish my man good luck

before he goes on.

♪ bar music ♪

- Hello, New York!

Did somebody light a fire? Because here comes Ash.

- What are you up to, Lori?

♪

[smack]

[both laugh]

Unbelievable!

Oh, now I remember who Jeff Bridges is.

♪

- It was the summer after seventh grade.

I'd just come back from my favorite place in the whole damn world.

Spencer's Gifts.

I'd gone there to buy one of those sick-ass lava lamps.

But then, I found something even better.

♪ foreboding ♪

That night, I set everything up just so.

- I don't want you to see this, Slim Shady.

[hamster squeaking]

SID: But just when I got down to business,

something horrible happened.

SID'S MOM: Sid, I'm doing laundry.

- Big deal. So, she caught you pulling your Paddington.

- Oh, no, no, no. I'm not done.

SID'S MOM: Siddhartha? Are you awake? [knocking]

♪ dramatic ♪

[thud, splatter]

[hamster screeching]

- Slim Shady?

Please stand up.

- I finished later that night, after I buried him.

I finished after I buried him!

I really thought I was over it,

but seeing Lori just made it all come flooding back.

- Sid...

Let me heal you, too.

♪ indistinct singing ♪

- Sophia, I need to tell you something. - Me first.

You were right about Ash.

He's just a sweet guy who loves my mom.

What if she's finally going to be happy after all this time?

- Mm... LORI: There you are!

[laughs] Oh!

♪ singing continues ♪

- Hiya! Charlie, a word.

You're chummy with all the old neighbors.

Tell me everything you know about Esther from down the hall.

- Esther Lebowitz? Oh, she's a delight. She's teaching me how to make borscht.

- No, she's not. She's dead.

- She was so full of life.

- Not anymore. She's full of dead.

And, I told her granddaughter Rachel over there

that I was her best friend

because I think Rachel might be the love of my life.

- How can that be Esther's granddaughter?

Esther didn't have any children. Her birds were her children.

Oh my god, are you in love with a bird?

- Not this time!

Why would Rachel pretend to be someone's granddaughter?

She was talking about moving into Esther's apartment,

and she was grabbing jewelry by the handful,

and she wanted to leave the shiva after, like, 10 minutes!

What if she was doing...

BOTH: [gasping] Elder fraud!

- Wow! Maybe it's kind of cute how smitten she is.

What if they get married?

We should start buying penis-shaped things for the bachelorette.

- Ash and your mom aren't getting married.

- What? Well, how do you know that?

- Have you ever considered...

that your mom might not pick bad guys, but that she might...

be the bad guy? Soph,

I've met a few of her boyfriends over the years,

and they've all seemed totally fine.

She's the one who blows things up, and each time,

you drop everything to take care of her.

- You're... way off. It's definitely the guys.

- Like I said, total blind spot.

- I saw her kissing Ash's manager.

- Oh.

I just need a-a minute.

- I can't believe I've been beating myself up all day

about pretending to know your grandma.

- Wait, you didn't know my grandma?

- Cut the crap!

You're not a granddaughter. You're an elder frauder!

- Ooh, quick question. Um,

did you say Etsy Lebowitz

or Esther Horowitz?

Because, um, funny story.

Um, Lebowitz didn't have kids, but Horowitz did.

- Which Witz are you?

- Horowitz, you lunatic.

- Hm...

Sorry for the mix-up.

And sorry for your loss, God. [angry muttering]

- Look, I-I know it's gonna be hard for me to come back from this,

but I'd like to try.

- Goodbye forever, Ellen.

I guess I'll probably have to see you around the apartment building.

Please don't acknowledge me.

- I'm not giving up on us!

I know where you live!

I didn't mean that as a threat!

- I did say sorry.

♪

- Right now, when you see Lori,

you revert to an ashamed little boy

who killed his best friend.

And then masturbated shortly afterwards.

- That's right. - But you're a man now.

So, I want you to march over to Lori, buy her a drink,

and prove to yourself

that you are not that little boy anymore.

That's what Slim Shady would have wanted.

- For Slim Shady.

♪

Hi, Lori.

- Oh.

- Can I buy you a drink? - Sure.

- Uh, can we get two whiskeys, please?

One for me, and one for the beautiful lady.

- Oh.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

You have yourself a beautiful evening, Lori.

[kiss] - Good night, Sid.

[clears throat]

JESSE: Hm. Beer. [excited muttering]

- Okay. You did it.

You healed me. You healed me!

- I did! Oh my god, I did.

Alright. One down, one to go. Jesse? - Mm-hmm.

- And you're going to love this.

I've convinced the house managers to let you take to the stage

at the end of the night and perform a song.

- Wait, what?!

- Mom? Can we talk?

Mom.

Are you cheating on Ash with his manager?

- What? [scoffs]

Of course not.

- Valentina saw you kissing him.

- [sighs] Okay, fine.

Ash is adorable.

It's just...

I have chronic wanderlust.

I mean,

classic Sagittarius, am I right?

[sighs] - Mom.

All those times we had to pick up our lives

and start over,

was it the guys or was it you?

- It was me not settling.

I won't be made to feel bad for wanting fireworks.

- Fireworks.

We had to move 13 times.

I never had any real friends.

I didn't have a place to call home.

I don't have any childhood photos

because every time we moved,

we packed lighter and lighter.

But somehow,

that bikini poster always made the cut.

- That poster is special to me.

- I know.

"Mommy had the best side boob in the business"

was my first full sentence.

- Oh no, that's not what I mean.

[sighs] You're in the poster.

It was taken the day I found out I was pregnant with you.

That's why it's special to me.

I haven't done a lot of things right with my life, Sophie.

♪

But I look at that photo,

and I see the best thing I ever did.

I see you.

Do you think maybe we could go someplace quiet?

Have a glass of wine and talk about this Ash stuff?

- No. We can't.

- Oh.

- I love you, Mom.

But, I have plans of my own tonight.

[both sigh]

[door opens]

Hey.

You were right about my mom.

- I know. I'm sorry.

[clink]

- You think I can still make it to Drew's?

- Oh, definitely. Game nights last forever.

It's one of the many reasons they're so terrible.

Now, go get your man.

[cheering]

- Uh, hey, everyone. Um,

some of you might recognize me

from a certain viral video

but now that I'm back here at the scene of the crime,

I just want to say I'm ready to move on, New York.

Uh, I'm not going to let that one night define me. Okay.

What is this? I didn't order this. - A Cosmopolitan.

- Hey, Carrie Bradshaw. That's from me.

[laughter]

- Okay, just so we're clear. A Cosmo is a classic cocktail, alright?

- Your mom's a classic cocktail.

- Don't you talk about my mom!

You know what, I'm gonna quit before this goes viral, too. Thanks, everyone!

[cheering]

That was... not great, but it's a good first step.

So, thank you, Charlie. - I should be the one thanking you.

You guys have helped me to confirm my dream career.

To be a psychiatrist.

Eight years of school?

Alright, uh, to be a psychologist.

[Jesse groans]

Seriously?!

Well, there must be something I can do where I can listen to people's problems,

offer up sage advice, and get paid for it

without having to go to any school.

- I'm probably gonna regret this but, um...

- I'll take it!

♪ Nobody Else by LANY ♪

SOPHIE'S SON: I don't get it, Mom. Why'd you tell me this story?

It was mostly about you and Grandma.

- True,

but I couldn't eventually wind up with your dad,

until I faced my stuff with my mom.

Faced who she was, how she hurt me.

And that night, when I walked out of that bar,

I started to.

- Hey! I hope I didn't miss the whole thing.

Oh. You're going. Okay.

Uh, four words. First word.

Happy?

Two? See...

[laughs]

I'm happy to see you, too.

♪

♪ And if Heaven doesn't want us ♪

♪ Would you go with me to Hell? ♪

♪ Hope you know I don't want nobody else ♪

♪ Would you call me back ♪

♪ In the middle of the night? ♪

♪ Would you kiss and make up♪

♪ After a stupid fight? ♪

♪ If I share my dark secrets ♪

♪ Would you promise not to tell? ♪

♪ Hope you know I'd do these things as well ♪