Original subtitles

Previously on Velma

She has no brain!

Now, when I try to solve a mystery,

my guilt triggers a potentially heart stopping hallucination.

Wait, you think I killed Brenda?

You just said you were going to do to me what you did to her.

I meant pay you to keep quiet. I'm innocent!

Uh, Velma, you should see this.

Ugh!

Ahhh!

Oh God, it's Krista!

And she also has no brain.

So, what's more surprising?

Fred Jones being arrested for murdering and removing the brains

of Brenda Bright and Krista McCray

or that his delicate, teen heartthrob good looks

stem from the fact that he hasn't gone through puberty yet?

The murders. Obviously, it's the murders.

It's not small, it's scared!

But it just goes to show,

we all have secrets.

Velma's birthday gift!

Even the ones we least expect.

Ahhh!

But as much as you try to hide who you really are...

Your ass is mine, best friend.

...Velma Dinkley always knows the ugly truth,

Velma, have you seen that sweater vest I bought Sophie?

Uh, no.

Because without your ascot, you're naked.

Jones Gentlemen's Accessories.

What are you, poor?

Yes, Fred Jones, heir to the Jones Gentlemen's Accessories fortune,

was arrested last night for murder.

Yeah, thanks to me!

And according to the police, Jones would have gotten away with it, too.

If it wasn't for his classmate...

Say my name, say my name.

Vermin Dorkley.

It's Velma Dorkley! I mean Dinkley!

And finally only one lawyer has agreed to represent Fred Jones.

Vermin's own father,

- Aman Dinkley! - What?

Velma, winning this case could make your father rich!

I already bought a baby monitor that shoots on film.

It just looks more real, you know?

Exactly.

I mean, look at this from my perspective, Velma.

If you needed money to keep your pregnant girlfriend happy,

and then you heard what the Joneses are willing to pay,

I'm sure you'd agree it's possible Fred didn't do it.

Fred's a rich white guy with a tiny dong.

He did it. Now, excuse me.

I have to go find my missing mother.

You didn't mention Fred had a tiny dong.

Oh yeah, real baby carrot.

And I'm going to ride it all the way to victory!

Huh?

Wow, people seem to be taking to the fact

that Fred is a brain stealing sociopath

- really well. - All our classmates

are idiots or sheep, so let's assume they're high.

Man, if I ever even think about getting into 420, 420 culture,

or especially 420 related humor, kill me.

You know what 420 is right?

Um, yeah. It's code for adults who still watch cartoons.

Now, have you seen Daphne? Her parents are detectives,

so I need her help to get my mom's cold case files.

You want me to come with in case you have another hallucination?

Thanks. But after catching Fred, I feel my hallucinations

are like the return of high waisted jeans.

It took a while, but we're finally through the worst of it.

Sweetie, are you sure you don't want to take a mental health day?

It's not often your boyfriend is arrested

for removing two of your friends' brains.

Thank you. But if the kids in every teen show ever

can get through a brush with a deranged serial killer, so can I.

Good lord!

It smells like the Playboy Jazz Festival out there.

And a kid's eating sheet cake at 8:00 in the morning.

- You thinking what I'm thinking? - Let's go get a sheet cake?

High five!

Hey, Daphne.

What do you want, Vermin?

Just to offer my sincerest condolences

for the loss of your more popular friends that you picked over me.

Stop! I know you think I'm a huge bitch who ditched you to be cool.

What? That's so not true.

Fine.

I need a favor.

I need you to get me my mom's cold case file.

Why would I do that?

We're not friends anymore.

- We're nemesises... - Nemeses.

- That's why. - Okay.

Well, I was hoping you'd get it for me for old time's sake.

I see.

Well, for old time's sake, I'll give you the file...

- Really? - For $500.

Five hundred dollars? That's like, a million dollars.

Well, like you said, I'm a huge bitch.

I was being sarcastic.

You can't read tone in graffiti.

Five hundred dollars or nothing.

Ugh.

Now, first, thank you for taking my case.

We could not be happier you're on the team, Velma's dad.

Sorry, what we meant to say is that you are our last choice.

And if you blow this, my family will bring

the full weight of Jones Gentlemen's Accessories

and Jones Gentlemen's Accessories for Women

down on your head!

Okay, uh, well, the case won't be easy.

Of course it will. I'm innocent.

The only reason people think I removed those girls' brains

is because I "basically confessed"

and have "well documented anger issues".

I mean, does that even mean?

Hey! Am I on a hunger strike?

Where the hell are my pancakes?

Uh, are you trying to choke me to death?

You forgot cutties.

You're embarrassing ourself, Frederick.

It's bad enough you still eat pancakes

and drink non alcoholic beverages like a baby!

Yes, Father. Sorry... Sorry, Father.

Our apologies, Aman.

Freddie is due in court this afternoon, and the case has everyone out of sorts.

No, this childishness is actually perfect.

See, I feel the only way to prove Fred's innocence

is to play up the fact that he's a late bloomer.

I mean, the world sees Fred Jones, teen sociopath.

So instead, let's show them Fred Jones, innocent little boy.

It can't miss, right?

Please say it can't miss.

My girlfriend just bought a $2,000 stroller.

- It hovers. - William,

our son cannot go to prison.

He can barely survive on the outside as is.

Victoria, admitting he's a little boy is worse than any crime.

It's embarrassing.

He is the future CEO of Jones Gentlemen's Accessories!

Is he, though?

Well, try it your way.

Great. I just hope people can actually think I'm a little kid.

Ah, crap. I'm all syrupy.

Bathies!

So, Velma,

what brings you to Casa Del Norville Rogers, Blythe Rogers

and me, his father, Lamont Rogers?

Here for a Rogering, as we might say?

Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.

No ulterior motive whatsoever.

Hey, that's a nice vase.

Is that worth $500?

Oh, hey, look who's busy not finding my missing mother.

Actually, Daphne's moms are here

because they think we have a Candy Man problem at school.

And as the principal, I've asked them to go undercover

as high school students to find them.

And that's the 4-1-1, home skillet.

Words.

Candy Man?

I think you mean Sugar Daddy?

And Sarah's 18.

Her parents are cool with it.

A Candy Man's a drug dealer, V-Dawg.

I knew that.

So is Norville in his room?

What's going on, guys.

So today on Norville Snacks, our World Tour

continues East, as we say ni hao

to Beijing style shrimp chips.

- Norville! - Velma! Not while I'm live.

I can't get banned for your thoughts on South Asian desserts again.

I'm so sorry, but this is important.

Daphne wants $500 for the file,

and all my money is tied up in streaming services.

Velma, I don't have it.

My mom's birthday is coming up, and this year she just wants cash.

Otherwise, you know I'd give it to you.

I know, it's okay.

Like the dessert course at an Indian restaurant just forget it.

Wait in teen movies,

whenever a girl needs money,

a guy sells something

and then blackmails the girl into dating him for it.

Problematic, but effective. And hilarious!

So it was not easy,

but I got your $5.

I assume I-O-U's are okay?

It's $500, Velma.

But if you don't have it, there might be a way you can earn it.

I was thinking you could come work for me.

Doing what? And is the office culture cool?

Like, are there snacks?

You're the Candy Man?

Candy Woman.

And I have your sugar right here.

Daphne, why would you deal drugs?

You're beautiful and popular.

Being a bad girl too just muddles your brand.

This doesn't make me a bad girl.

According to TV, it's morally okay to deal drugs

if your life is just kind of crappy.

Like your kid's sick, you're a widow with a mortgage.

You have to live on a lake in Missouri.

Those are all white people, Daphne.

Minorities on TV can only deal drugs to escape poverty.

Wait, that's it.

This is about you trying to run with your fancy rich crowd.

Yup, that must be it.

Because the brilliant Velma Dinkley knows everything about everyone,

and isn't afraid to say it.

Exactly. I spit truth without a filter,

like every comedian before hashtag "MeToo".

Look, are you in or are you out?

Oh, I'm out.

Because if you don't give me that file,

I'll tell your police officer moms

their perfect daughter is...

You. Wouldn't. Dare.

Yeah, no, it was a dumb idea.

So what are we selling?

Oh, just the usual. Zoinks, Jeepers, Mystery Machine,

and of course, guh-guh-guh-guh-ganja.

Only $80?

But I need $500 to get a girl to date me.

Hilarious. But no.

Huh.

Psst. You want to make some real money?

I don't have time to flip houses, but I'll hear you out.

Nice roller bag.

You selling bibles later?

Nice outfit. You driving a big rig to Bakersfield later.

No, dummy. This is a disguise.

Because what we're doing is illegal.

Oh, sorry we can't all make it rain cool shades, El Chapo.

You know what? Let's just do this.

Don't you want any tips on selling?

Mmm, I think I got it.

Drugs are like crack to these people.

Now most cultures of the world as a rule, wouldn't mix kiwi and whitefish.

But they don't play by the rules in North Korea.

Drugs here!

Get your drugs here!

Narc, narc.

White girl with too much money white girl with too much money.

You don't know me. I'm a white girl who's bored.

Let's roll.

Yeah. Go. I don't care.

Enjoy your slow descent into organic farming, losers.

Look, I know you're a genius...

- Thank you. - Who thinks she has everyone pegged.

- Only because I do. - But you might have more success with this

if you went in just a little less judgy.

Wait, I'm judgy?

You would say something like that.

You want your mom's cold case file, right?

Yes. Fine.

I'll try. I'll try.

If you want to get swole, try Zoinks!

You'll be bouncing them big old man boobs

faster than you can say, "Who is this for?"

Yeah, we like the sound of that.

What'll it cost?

Not much. Just your dad's love

when you blow out your knee and lose your scholarship.

I was being helpful.

The sooner he can focus on getting his real estate license, the better.

Jeepers raises your dopamine levels,

so it will definitely help you memorize your lines.

- Huzzah! - Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Yeah. I'm sorry, Velma.

I could feel you forcing that.

Yeah. You know what else feels forced?

Your belief that you're the only one sleeping with the lead.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. Sorry.

Okay. You're fired.

What? Why?

Uh, will I sell you a kidney,

to get the $500 I need to make Velma date me?

I mean, I'd be a fool not to at this point, right?

Justice for Brenda and Krista!

It's a mob scene here as Fred Jones arrives

for his day in court.

Aman, over here.

Aman! How could you risk your career and entire livelihood

on the most unlikeable defendant

since that chimpanzee who ate a woman's face?

Because what you see as risk,

I see as mere... child's play.

Hewo fwends! My name is Fwed!

What's yours?

Aw!

Wow, I think I speak for the entire journalistic community when I say,

"Don't I feel like an asshole!"

No way this scrumptious muffin removed those girls' brains!

T'anks, news lady!

Stop! No pictures!

Unless it's in portrait mode!

Oh, God,

he looks like Hitler!

And not just because we compare everyone to Hitler these days.

Ugh, come on!

You couldn't keep your opinions to yourself, could you?

I literally had to take five Jeepers

not to strangle you... Whoa!

Oh, sorry, I can't just conjure up a whole new personality

whenever I want like some sort of sexy witch.

Is that really what you think of me?

Hey, girlies!

Okay, since you know so much,

why am I selling drugs?

Um, easy.

You're looking to rebel against your overprotective parents

but don't have the balls to get pregnant.

Wrong!

I'm saving money to hire a private investigator

to find my biological family.

Yeah. Unexpected twist.

Holy crap. Really?

Looking for your family is a big deal.

Yeah, it's just

you know how different I am from my moms.

I need to find out who I really am.

Where do I come from?

And how is my hair the color of buffalo wings?

I just always figured your parents were Wilma Flintstone

and Daniel Dae Kim.

Freeze, person in baseball hat,

putting drugs in my daughter's locker

and other Oompa Loompa person!

- We know you're the candymen! - Linda!

You're a cop and not a teenager?

But I love you!

What do we do? I can't go to jail.

- Run! - You know I can't.

I'd prefer jail.

I'm trapped!

Oh, God!

Oh, God, Daphne, no!

Aw.

Baby want sheet cake?

Hey, hurry up in there!

Give me the money!

You wish, guy from that "wanted" poster all over town,

All right. Don't make me come in the bathroom.

I'm a thief, not a perve.

Argh!

Nothing can stop me

from buying Velma's love!

Oh, that might.

Hey!

It is Norville from Norville Snacks.

Like, let him go, man.

Wait, you stoners watch Norville Snacks?

Damn it! This is exactly what happened to my vlog about Lil Wayne.

God, where is that candyman?

I mean candyperson. It could be anybody.

Even though we both definitely know it's a man.

"I'm home and want to adopt a sick cat. Where are you?"

A cat needs our love!

Out of our way!

Whoa, that totally worked, Velma.

A lotta help.

Oh, sorry. I was just wiping some garbage slime off your cheek.

Oh. Yeah, me too. Slime.

Okay. Well, thankfully, your moms are still hella bad detectives.

Yeah,

they still think I spent $200 on a math tutor named Coachella.

Wait. Am I enjoying hanging out with you again?

Or is it the high of moderate exercise?

I don't know. Maybe I'm not the shallow monster you think I've become.

Maybe you judge people so harshly

because it's easier to feel right from afar

than risk getting close and being wrong.

Okay, Easy, Dr. Phil.

I'm the brains of this operation.

You're just the look, style and effortless charm.

We do make a good team, don't we?

Well,

speaking of teams, someone's looking to score.

And if you want your mom's file,

you're going to sell to them my way.

That's him. The guy in the beanie.

It's always the guy in the beanie.

A beanie? It's 90 degrees out!

And I'm not supposed to assume

- he's hiding a bald spot? - No! Less assuming!

More criminal behavior.

Go!

Drugs here.

Get your fresh hot drugs here.

Hey, do you have anything that can

make me feel better about having ruined my life?

Wait, Dad?

Velma?

Why were you selling drugs?

To make money, genius.

The real question is,

why were you wearing a beanie?

Those are only for television actors

who want you to know that their roots are still in theater.

Wait, you don't care that I was buying drugs?

That makes sense.

You gambled our future on Fred Jones' innocence

and now drugs are the only escape.

But what do you possibly need drug dealing money for?

I already buy you all the inhalers you could ever want.

Oh, fine.

Daphne will give me Mom's cold case file for $500.

Okay, look, I'll give you the $500 for her file

if you help me prove Fred's innocent.

What? Are you crazy?

Finding Fred innocent would require me

to admit I'd incorrectly pre-judged someone.

Wait.

Yeah. No, I was right.

Homeslice is like Robert Durst level guilty.

Okay. But instead of just staring at the evidence

and swearing very loudly,

do you maybe want to ask me some questions?

Yeah, I do. Why frame me?

Yeah, exactly. Why would I do that?

Before you just started talking,

I thought you were our housekeeper.

Oh, my God, could that be colder?

You know what? Now I'm in a snit.

Let's regroup after lunch.

Cutties.

Holy crap. You are innocent.

He is?

Okay, here's your $500 reward.

Good luck using it to coerce Velma into dating you.

Keep it. The stoners caught him, not me.

If I want Velma to like me now,

I'm just gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way.

Bet a friend I can make her fancy.

Ha! That's how we got together.

Okay. For my next witness,

I would like to call the woman who caught Fred

my own daughter, Velma Dinkley.

Velma, do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

So help me, Shonda Rhimes, I do.

Now, Velma, how long have you known the defendant?

We met at lunch in the eighth grade

when he confused me for a beanbag chair.

Classic.

And what did you think of my client?

Honestly, that he was super hot.

But also that he was just another entitled rich guy

who might kill someone because he has a tiny dong.

Unfortunately, I was wrong about Fred.

The way it's possible

I might have been wrong about other people.

Weird. It feels like she's looking right at me.

Why would Velma want to send me a message, Daphne?

Fred Jones did not kill those two girls.

His whole life, Fred has never had to lift a finger

to do anything. He's been so pampered,

his body hasn't even felt the need to fully mature. I mean,

Fred literally can't feed himself.

Uh, that's not true.

No, you... You just cut the food and put it on the...

W... What's the dumb thing called? A dinglehopper!

Great. Show us.

Cutties. Mother, cutties.

Oh, my God, he is just like a little boy.

Exactly.

So tell me this.

How could someone who can't even cut a steak

remove two girls' brains?

He couldn't! Clearly Fred's innocent.

But at what cost to his reputation

and that of his family's business?

That lump has made a mockery of us!

Be nice. Our son is free.

I'd say that lump did quite well.

Uh-oh.

That's not true.

I'm a big boy.

A big boy who could have removed those dumb girls' brains,

no problem if I wanted to!

Hear, hear!

Guilty.

Based on what?

Hmm.

Wow. Blonde-haired people have bad days, too.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

I'm ruined.

They wouldn't even let me represent

a gymnastics coach now.

Daphne?

What are you doing here?

Wait. Did you realize I stole all your Zoinks?

- Please don't kill me. - No, you're good.

I mean, return it or I'll hurt you very badly,

but I saw you on TV and brought you this.

My mom's cold case file! Thank you!

Wait, do you not have potentially fatal hallucinations

when you try to solve mysteries anymore?

You remember that?

You had one of your first ones at my house

back before...

Well, your fear pee stain is still on my rug.

Well, I think I'm fine.

Norville helped me get over them

in the last episode of my hallucinations.

Velma!

Are you hallucinating? I'll put down newspaper.

No, it's a clue.

The last place my mom's cell phone pinged

the night she went missing was at Fred's house.

Damn it! I knew that jerk was guilty.

Too bad you'll never know for sure.

Ahhh! I was wrong again! I'm hallucinating! Help!

No one can help you now, Velma.

Solving mysteries only causes pain.

Velma. What do I do? Velma!

Try to make me laugh.

Okay, I, uh, oh, I don't know any jokes

but my moms love my impression of my Aunt Cindy.

I am sad my husband died.

Anything?

No. Try something else. Anything. Quick!

Oh God, my heart!

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

Did that work?

Yeah.

Great. Now even just being myself won't work.

Romcoms can kiss my ass.

My name's Fred. Who are you?

They call me The Thief.

What are you in for?

Thieving. But I'm innocent.

Aren't we all?

Ooh! Bunk beds!

Hoisties!