Original subtitles

♪♪

[barks]

♪♪

[Jacqueline] To the children of working mothers,

this is a day camp.

To the nuns, this is a labor camp.

And to the citizens of San Tanco,

this would soon be a battlefield.

Here, let me try it out. Let me try it.

Okay, the old pro.

Now, place foot here. And... Oh!

Sister, you're flying.

Don't be silly, Rico.

Whoever heard of a flying nun?

Reverse propellers.

Whew.

Ah, yes.

Well, heh...

Mrs. Rosales.

[Mrs. Rosales] Oh, heh.

Hello, Sister.

Was Rico a good boy today? Oh, yes.

Say, "Buenas tardes, Sister."

Buenas tardes. Buenas tardes.

We'll work on this tomorrow, okay?

Okay, kids, come on. Closing time.

Sister Bertrille, here come the fizz.

You mean "the fuzz."

Nice to see you, Sergeant Santos.

You may not think so, Sister, when you see this.

Read.

♪♪

"This land must be sold." But why?

♪♪

[Jacqueline] Before you go fight city hall, first you try to make a deal.

So we invited Mayor Calderon to the convent

for tea and sympathy.

We provided the tea and the mayor the sympathy.

Believe me, good Sisters.

I would love to see your day camp continue,

but the town council, it insists

the land must not be left idle.

Well, it isn't idle.

We're using it to help working mothers of San Tanco.

[Jacqueline] They'd like to know

why the town can't just give us the land.

Impossible.

We must sell it to recover the back taxes

owed to the village.

And how much do they come to?

Three thousand five hundred dollars.

Three thousand five hundred?

Oh, dear. I am afraid we couldn't possibly find

that much money.

Forgive me for intruding, Sisters.

Oh. Señora Rosales.

Welcome. Good afternoon, señora.

What? You have invited him here?

This hater of little children?

Señora, would you care to join us for tea?

[Mrs. Rosales] No, thank you.

And when that one leaves, be sure to count the spoons.

[Reverend Mother] Please, Señora Rosales.

What brings you to the convent?

I want you to pray over this sign.

Hmm. Uh...

That would be very difficult.

It is, to say the least, a little un-Christian.

[Mrs. Rosales] Very well, I go.

We shall meet on the barricades.

[Reverend Mother] Well, now, Mr. Mayor,

to get back to our problem,

are you sure that there is

no way to save our day camp?

Mm, only one.

The Puerto Rican government has an agency

to assist in getting aid

for the community projects like yours.

Fantastic.

The state would come up the funds,

except for one small problem.

To qualify for this aid,

a community must have at least 4000 residents.

In San Tanco?

At the last reckoning, we had exactly 3956 citizens.

San Tanco needs 44 new citizens.

Wha--? Forty-four, that's a cinch.

But there is still one problem.

Another one? Yes.

The land is scheduled to be sold

the first of next month.

That's just three weeks from now.

Oh, dear. Well, I'm afraid we can forget about the stork.

Well, I don't know. Maybe he's planning

for a very busy three weeks. Heh.

[chuckles]

[Jacqueline] We launched mission impossible.

Or as we called it, Operation Population.

Hello. Maternity Ward? Yes, this is me again.

Well, what's new?

Three singles and a pair of twins.

Fantastic. Sister Ana, mark up five.

Well, how many deliveries are you expecting to perform

between now and the first, doctor.

Oh. Thank you.

Chalk up three more possible, Sister.

Uh, Maternity?

Yes. Has Mrs. Belmonte had her baby yet?

Still no?

She's been there a week.

What?

Just now?

A baby boy. Thank you.

Sister Ana, one more.

Sister Bertrille.

Reverend Mother, have you heard?

We're up to 3983.

With three more expected to arrive before the first.

That's not even counting any premature deliveries.

We're practically over the border.

I'm afraid not, Sisters.

Have any of you, incurable optimists,

thought of looking at the obituary page?

♪♪

Oh, no, it never occurred to me.

According to this paper, 14 good citizens of San Tanco

went to their final rest this month.

Fourteen?

Oh, they would have to pick now.

I mean, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Sister Ana, knock off--

Subtract 14.

What's taking you so long?

I'm using the new math.

We're 32 short.

Right back at the bottom of the hill.

[dryly] Oh, dear. I think our only conceivable hope

is to find some...rich, kind-hearted person

who would buy the land for us.

♪♪

Well, we can't call on Carlos again.

Absolutely not.

After all he has done for the convent already?

He's an absolute angel.

He's a regular philanderer.

I think you mean "philanthropist."

No, if he wasn't such a philanderer,

he wouldn't be such a philanthropist.

[chuckles]

Well, let's face it. Carlos is out.

[door slams closed]

Good morning, Carlos. You think so?

I'm glad for somebody, it's a good morning.

Oh, you're having a bad day?

You want to hear about it?

Sit down. [quietly] Thank you very much.

A bad day, a bad week.

The whole month is being a catastrophe.

Oh, I'm sorry, Carlos.

[barks, whines]

Hush, Horatio.

Now, with the new upholstery, the only thing I need

is a dog to sit on my chair. Carlos,

I want you to know that Horatio is very well trained.

Get off the chair. [whimpering]

I can see how beautifully trained he is.

He's trained to sit on my desk.

Here, Horatio. Sit there. [barks]

Good boy.

[whimpers]

Oh, look. Now he's trying to tell you he's sorry.

Okay. Okay, I understand.

Jump down to the floor.

Down. Down the chair.

My desk. He's paper-trained, huh?

Carlos, it's because he loves you so much.

We all love you at the convent

because you're so kind and generous.

Well, kind, I will continue to be.

Generous, forget it.

Carlos, what's the matter?

Where do you want me to start?

The tourist season.

It's unbelievable.

Nobody's coming to San Tanco. Now, wait a minute.

I saw an American cruise ship out in the harbor.

Yeah. You know who is onboard?

The Women's Temperance Union.

Oh, not exactly a high-rolling crowd, are they?

Huh. And nobody's gambling.

And the few who are are killing me.

On top of which, the kitchen is a disaster area.

What's happening in there?

My chef, Cesar--

My prize. My jewel. - -has lost his touch.

Cesar, the fastest skillet in the West Indies?

Yeah. Go walk through the kitchen.

The soufflés are flat like pancakes.

Carlos, you don't have to talk about it

if it makes you feel bad.

Oh, it doesn't make me feel bad.

It takes my mind off of other troubles.

You have other troubles?

Oh. Things without any importance.

In that room, the Internal Revenue Service

is auditing my returns for the past three years.

And in that kitchen,

my staff is planning when to call a strike.

So, Sister Bertrille, if you think

that you come here and you can ask me

for the $3500 you need for the land, forget it.

It never entered my mind. Heh.

[Jacqueline] So with Carlos out of the picture,

the stork rapidly running out of gas

and the date of the land sale bearing down on us,

we launched Phase 2 of Operation Population.

We invaded the surrounding areas

to see if we could persuade enough people

to move to San Tanco

to get us up to the magic number of 4000.

[Sixto] Oh.

Sister Sixto and Ana and I handled the campaign

on the ground.

But, Sister, why should I move into a farm in San Tanco

when I have a beautiful piece of land here.

Mm, yes.

But not like the land in San Tanco, señor.

Our farmers have a saying: drop a seed in the ground,

and then get out of the way fast.

But, Sister, I've been living here

for 40 years.

This is where I raise my family.

I know. Eight beautiful children,

who deserve the best of everything.

Which they will get in San Tanco.

But I am doing very well here, Sister.

You know, the land is fertile, the cows, they give good milk,

and the pigs are thriving.

Wonderful.

If only these estúpidashens would lay some eggs--

Aha.

Do you know that the farmers of San Tanco

bring their hens to our priest to be blessed?

Sister, I will do that with my hens.

[speaks Spanish]

I'm sorry, they're out of our jurisdiction.

But if you move to San Tanco...

[chuckles]

I love you, Susan.

I can't live without you.

And I love you, Antonio, with all my heart.

Then what are you waiting for?

Marry me.

Marry you?

Si. Yes, my little Yankee darling.

But where? When?

Yesterday, I went to the most wonderful wedding

at Father Ignatius' church. Another wedding.

Yes, the bride and groom, they look positively radio.

"Radiant." "Radiant."

They always do when the good Father marries them.

You know the old saying in San Tanco. Heh.

When Father Ignatius marries you,

you live happily ever after.

Come, Susan, let's go talk to Father Ignatius.

Yes, darling.

Señor, la cuenta.

What are you doing?Peace.

No.

Victory.

Gracias.

We'll have a wonderful wedding, Antonio.

Si.

And after the honeymoon,

Daddy will find you a wonderful job

back home in Milwaukee.

[Jacqueline] And meanwhile, Sister Bertrille was taking care

of the aerial campaign.

[man] Yeah.

♪♪

[chattering indistinctly]

Well, we're not out of the woods yet.

With four days to go, we still need 10 more bodies.

No, 15.

What do you mean? With all the people we moved in?

Well, people also move out.

Who moved out?

You didn't hear? No.

Sergeant Batista got orders to fly to Honolulu

with his wife and three children.

Oh, no. [man] And here,

will be the entrance to the building,

of the finest marble.

Muy bien.

Ah. And in that corner

will be my executive suite. Right here.

Excuse me, señor. Did I hear you say

you're gonna build a building on this spot?

Si. A magnificent new office building.

The Ferrone Towers.

[man] You want a tower too?

Well, did I not mention it? Well, but the building

will be only four stories high, and do you--?

Well, so? You will build me a small tower. Ha!

Señor Ferrone. Yes, Sister?

Does that mean that you own this land?

I'm going to buy it at a public sale next week.

Oh, well, then there's still time for you

to change your mind.

[Ferrone] Change my mind about what?

Well, there happens to be some fantastic locations downtown.

Yes, and real bargains, real cheap and dirty.

You mean "dirt cheap."

[Ferrone] No, no, no, no.

This is the ideal spot.

I flew down here all the way from Miami

when I heard that this land was for sale.

Now, over here--

[Bertrille] Oh, Señor Ferrone.

Señor Ferrone--

What now, Sister?

Well, do you realize that if you build a building

on this spot, that that'll be the end of our day camp.

I'm sorry, Sister.

And it'll also be a very sad day

for the mothers of San Tanco and their children.

[Ferrone] That is unfortunate.

But there is an old saying

about a man not being his brother's keeper.

[chuckles] Si.

There's another old saying about fighting fire with fire.

[Jacqueline] The Army double-crossed us by sending Sergeant Batista

from San Tanco to Honolulu.

But the Marines came to the rescue

by transferring Corporal Rodriguez

from Honolulu to San Tanco.

Operation Population was holding its own.

Ten people short, and four days to go,

Sister Bertrille went into action on another front.

Then this one, we thought would be really, really superb

up over the-- Oh, okay, okay.

All right, Sister,

I will display all these signs

around the casino.

Oh. It's just what the place needs.

Bless you, Carlos.

And I will ask my vocal group to sing every night the song

"I Left My Heart in San Tanco."

Oh, thank you.

Is there anything else?

Well, yes, there is.

You don't happen to know an out-of-town widow

with scads of children who you're just dying to marry?

Fortunately...

BOTH [in unison] No.

[knocks on door] Come in.

Excuse me, Carlos.

Oh, Cesar. Come in, come in.

This is Cesar. Hello, Cesar.

Sister Bertrille. Hello.

What is it?

You will have to cancel the Martinez dinner party tonight.

To cancel it? Uh, just a minute.

Sit down.

A cigar. No, thanks.

Oh, please. Have one.

And another one.

Well...

Why?

The special dish they requested, my prized duck,

is a calamity. I would be ashamed to serve it.

But Cesar, you are an artist, a genius.

What happened to you lately?

I am not myself.

Every day, I come to work exhausted.

Why? You are working the same hours as before.

You have enough time for breaks.

Oh, it is not the hours in the kitchen, Carlos.

It's driving that taxicab night after night.

You drive a taxi?

Si. Midnight to 7 a.m.

[yawns] It's killng me.

[Carlos] You are moonlighting? I'm paying you good money.

Oh, I have no complaints, Carlos.

Please sit down.

Rest. Easy.

I have no complaints, Carlos.

But my brother-in-law, Jason, is doing very badly

in the restaurant you opened in New York City.

Every week I have to send him money.

Oh, that's tough.

He's my dear sister's husband.

I cannot turn my back on Rosa and her eight little ones.

No, I can see--

She has eight children?

Five boys and three girls.

Never mind their sexes, just as long as they're human.

Oh, no, Sister Bertrille.

I am not going to bring his brother-in-law

who can't even run a restaurant all the way from New York

just because he has eight children. No.

Why not?

He's a lousy businessman but a wonderful cook.

And besides, that would solve everything.

Cesar could stop moonlighting and get a lot of rest,

and Jason could support his family.

And by a mere coincidence,

you are going to save your day camp.

Why, Carlos, I never thought of that.

You know, everybody knows. You are a very slow thinker.

More cornish hen, Your Honor?

Yes, indeed.

It is magnificent.

[Jacqueline] Mm. Certainly is.

I tell you, Cesar is back in the groove.

Si. He's really storming up a cook.

And having Jason as an assistant chef

has made quite a difference.

Sister Bertrille, is "storming up a cook" correct?

No, but I like it better your way.

Cesar and Jason sent over this dinner as a special treat

to thank Sister Bertrille for bringing them together.

And the brother-in-law's family. When do they arrive?

They'll arrive tomorrow.

[mayor] Excellent.

The instant they land,

these papers will go to the agency in San Jaun.

And there's no chance of a last-minute hang up?

No. They are eagerly waiting

to write the check for the land.

Sisters, we have it made.

[knocks on door]

Come in.

Ah. I'm sorry I'm late.

Señor Ramirez. please, won't you sit down?

Enjoying your meal, Sisters? [Sisters] Mm-hm.

I tell you, Cesar has outdone himself.

Naturally.

It is his farewell performance.

What do you mean, "his farewell performance"?

Cesar and his brother-in-law

are leaving the island tonight for New York.

Buy why? They're a perfect team. [Carlos] They think so too.

So Cesar is going to take care of the business end,

and Jason's gonna cook.

Does that mean Jason's family's not coming to San Tanco?

[Carlos] Yes. And that's not all.

Cesar is going to take his wife and his three children with him.

Oh, no. That means we're right back

where we started from, 15 short.

And only two days to go.

And Señor Ferrone ready to pounce.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

Reverend Mother, could you lead us in prayer?

♪♪

[sighs]

Sister Bertrille, are you sure you don't wanna keep it up,

just in case?

Just in case what? Let's face it, we're dead.

Good afternoon, Sisters.

Oh. Good afternoon, Your Honor.

I came by in case you have some good news

at the last minute.

Oh, well, I may as well throw this away.

Oh, well, you might as well keep it for the next election.

It'll show the mothers you were trying to help.

Oh, my darling, feast your eyes.

Good afternoon, Mr. Mayor.

Good afternoon, Señor Ferrone.

May I present to you my wife, Ava.

How do you do? A pleasure, señora.

I wanted her to see my property.

It's not yours yet.

It will be soon enough.

I will see you tomorrow at the public sale

with a certified check for $3500.

[flatly] I can't wait.

Last night, we flew in from Miami.

Already, we have rented a house here in San Tanco.

Lots of luck.

We wanted to be able to come here

to see the Ferrone Towers climb to the sky.

[chuckles]

It will be a showplace for all of San Tanco, hey, Ava?

[Mrs. Ferrone] Yes, it will, Pedro.

Darling. [Ferrone] Yes, my sweetheart?

Why don't we bring the children over

and take their pictures where the building will stand?

A magnificent idea.

Come, little ones.

We're going to take a picture.

♪♪

[children chattering indistinctly]

Eight, nine, 10...

Eleven... Twelve...

Twelve?

Uh...

Twelve.

Thirteen. Thirteen! Thirteen!

Thirteen. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes, yes.

Fifteen Ferrones are now living in San Tanco.

Just the right number.

I'll send this via special messenger.

Don't bother.

♪♪

Oh, well. Hello there, Mr. Stork.

Oh, where were you when we needed you, huh?

♪♪

[laughing]

[children chattering indistinctly]

Ah. Oh. heh.

[grunts]

Oh, well... [groans]

Well, it certainly is great to be back in business.

Oh, yeah, it's great if we can survive.

[chuckles] [sighs]

Oh, look, Sisters.

You wanted your day camp, Sisters?

Enjoy.

Everybody out!

[children chattering] Out! Out!

Out, guys! Go on. Move out. Go on, come on.

Careful, careful.

[coughs]

♪♪

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