Original subtitles

♪♪

[Bertrille] Carlos, wait for me!

That was very good.

You should go in for TV commercials.

Yeah. "Let the Convent San Tanco

"put you in the driver's seat."

Well, when you are number one,

you don't have to try this hard.

Well, the wind was dying down,

and I was looking for an emergency landing.

You're in luck today.

I'm on my way to the convent.

I have to see the Reverend Mother.

Oh? About what?

Well, my income tax return in being audited.

And you want us to pray for you?

No. I need a statement listing all the contributions

I made to the convent last year.

Well, I'm sure the Reverend Mother will be glad to do it.

Eh, Carlos, level with me.

Did you do a little padding on your income tax return?

Sister, I am an honest man

who has the utmost respect for the laws and regulations,

and I make up my income tax return

like any other law-abiding citizen.

In that case, we'll light a candle for you, too.

♪♪

You see, Reverend Mother, Carlos needs a statement

listing all the contributions

he made to the convent last year.

Yes. It is for the audit of my income tax return.

I-I see. Well,

I will be very happy to send the statement

as soon as we have it prepared.

Thank you, Reverend Mother.

And we'll wrap it around a Saint Christopher medal.

I know I'll be sorry I asked,

but why Saint Christopher?

He's the patron saint of travelers.

In case they send you up the river.

I was right. You're going to make

a very funny nun, Sister. Adiós.

Adiós. Good day, señorRamirez.

Good day, Reverend Mother.

Sister Bertrille, you should not tease him.

People always seem to be so nervous

when they become involved

with the Internal Revenue Service.

Well, there's no need if your records are in order.

Yes, t-that is exactly why I am so nervous.

You mean, you don't have a list of Carlos' donations?

Yes, of course we have a list, eh, somewhere.

But where?

Although we are a teaching order,

you may have observed that the one subject

that we are not very well versed in is bookkeeping.

Well, I hope it isn't gonna be any problem.

No, no. Not at all.

We'll just ask Brother Paul to come and go over the books.

Ask Brother Paul?

Brother Paul?

Brother Paul?

[Jacqueline] I was in such shock,

the words stuck in my throat.

You see, Brother Paul

is what psychiatrists call accident-prone.

The last time he was at the convent

he left a trail of falling plaster,

splintered wood and shattered glass.

And that's why the Reverend Mother

gave Sister Bertrille the job

of seeing that Brother Paul didn't kill himself

and take the convent with him.

Well, Sister, we've done the best we can.

We've locked up or crated

everything in the place that's breakable.

What about the statue?

Well, don't you think he can take care of himself?

I mean, we have to have some faith.

Right. [gasps]

Oh, no, look what we forgot.

How can we hide a half-finished brick wall?

Oh.

Is it something I said, Sisters?

Beg your pardon?

Who are you hiding me from?

It's nothing personal.

We're just trying to protect the wall.

From what?

Not from a what. From a who.

[stammering] Just keep working. It's all right.

Oh.

Well, it certainly is nice to be back in the convent.

Don't-don't move, Brother Paul. Don't move.

Something wrong, Sister?

No, I just wanted to open the door.

Oh, it's quite all right.

I'll get out the other side.

Stay where you are.

I should have gotten out the other way.

Oh, that's all right, Brother Paul.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

I'll show you to the cottage.

Oh, I know the way, Sister Bertrille.

Don't you remember? I stayed there.

Remember? Who could forget?

You wouldn't want to lie down in the cottage

and rest after your long journey?

Well, after I pay my respects

to the Reverend Mother. Excuse me.

Brother Paul, won't you let me carry that?

Oh, no, no, no! I insist.

No, no, no. I do insist.

Sister Ana, look who's here.

Sister Ana.

Brother Paul.

[yells]

Well, you certainly have a lot of safety precautions

since the last time I was here.

Well, you know the old slogan,

"Watch out for the other guy."

A bit austere, isn't it?

Well, we know what a simple life

you live in the monastery.

Yeah, but it's so different

from the way you had it furnished.

Let's see, there was an overstuffed chair there,

a bureau and a throw rug.

Are you sure? Certainly.

I burned a hole in the chair,

dropped a drawer from the bureau on my foot,

and threw my back out when I slipped on the throw rug.

Well, here are the convent books

the Reverend Mother told you about. Good.

And the receipts. And a list of donations.

We particularly want the list of donations

from Carlos Ramirez.

Good. Good. They all seem to be in order.

What-what happened to the lamp?

Lamp? Yes.

There was a beautiful hurricane lamp

sitting right there.

Well, I think it disappeared.

In fact, I know it disappeared.

Well, how am I supposed to work

without any light?

I'll get you some candles.

And some matches.

Matches?

Well, to light the candles.

Matches start fires.

Well, that's one reason we use them,

to light the candles.

Well, on second thought,

candlelight is bad for your eyes.

I think I know where I can lay my hands on a lamp.

Excuse me, Sister. Where are you going?

I'm going out.

That's all right. There's no need.

Just tell me what you want.

The bathroom.

Oh.

Pewter plates?

Actually, Brother Paul,

these plates were given to the convent

over 200 years ago by Felipe the Third.

We only use them on rare occasions.

[Bertrille] Like your visits, Brother Paul.

Brother Paul, we certainly do appreciate

your straightening out our books for us.

Well, sometimes I think

it's a pity to straighten them out.

It reads like a mystery story.

You never know until the last page

who did it and for how much.

I hope when you track down Carlos Ramirez's donations,

you don't find out the butler did it.

Oh. Ha.

Bread, Brother Paul?

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Don't move, I'll get it.

Here, I'll take that.

You know the old saying, "Don't cry over spilt sugar."

Butter? Oh, thank you.

I'll get it.

Oh, dear, the milk.

Are you ready for another old saying?

May I make a suggestion?

Why don't you change places with me?

Oh, no, Brother Paul

Oh. Oh.

You all right?

Yeah, aside from a slight case

of butterfingers, I'm fine.

Excuse me while I fling myself in the washing machine.

Eh, may I ask a personal question, Reverend Mother?

Why, yes, of course, Brother Paul.

Is there something wrong with Sister Bertrille?

She certainly is jumpy.

Do you think so?

Well, I've noticed it ever since I arrived.

[knocking on door]

Oh, my goodness. He's escaped.

Every time Brother Paul

came out of his solitary confinement,

we held our collective breaths.

However, there wasn't much we could do

even a jailbird is allowed free time

in the prison yard.

What are you doing, Brother Paul?

Oh, I was just taking a walk

through the convent grounds.

Care to join me?

I'll be right by your side

every foot of the way.

[sighing] They're really lovely.

You know, all my roses seem to die.

Well, some of us have green thumbs

and some of us are all thumbs.

I guess it's something you're born with.

You know, I haven't seen roses like these

since Father MacDougal was in the hospital.

Oh, I didn't know he was ill.

Yeah, it was an unfortunate accident.

I was helping him dig a well

and he tripped over my...

Well, I'd rather not talk about it.

Oh, thank you, Sister.

[Bertrille] You're welcome.

You all right, Sister?

Yeah. It's just a flesh wound.

You ought to be more careful.

I'm trying. I'm trying.

That plank looks heavy.

I'd better give him a hand. Oh, Brother,

that's all right. Let me do it.

Señor. Señor.

Did I hear someone calling?

Yes, you did.

Are you hurt?

Not where it shows.

I'm awfully sorry, Sister. I did not see you.

Well, it wasn't your fault.

Why didn't you tell me you were building a brick wall?

Would you believe it slipped my mind?

What's left of it.

I do a lot of brickwork... Now, never mind.

I wouldn't want you to get...

[screams]

Eh, Sister Bertrille, I hate to say this,

but you are accident-prone.

And I would know because I used to be that way.

You used to be that way? You're not anymore?

I guess not. I haven't had an accident

since I arrived at the convent.

[knocking on door] Come in.

Oh, hello. Hi, Carlos.

Is this the list of contributions?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Now the picture is complete.

Contributions for charity,

entertainment expenses, business improvements,

depreciations, deductible bad debts,

capital gains...

What's the matter?

Oh, Carlos, I ache all over.

In the last 24 hours I've had a mild concussion,

sprained my ankle,

wrenched my knee, twisted my back,

broke my beads and everything.

Oh, Sister, I'm sorry. Come here, please.

Sit down. Sit down.

Oh, I only wish I could.

Oh, Sister, you should be more careful.

Well, it's not easy when you're a stuntwoman

for an accident-prone monk.

Well, now he's finished, he'll leave.

No, he's staying on to fix the brick wall I knocked down.

You didn't? Yeah.

I fell in so much cement

my habit can stand up by itself.

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Yes, this is Carlos Ramirez.

This is Mr. O'Reilly of the Internal Revenue Service.

I wonder if we might change the date of our meeting.

Of course, Mr. O'Reilly.

What day will be convenient for you?

What about today?

Today? Eh, No, I'm afraid it's impossible.

My accountant is out of town.

No, just a moment, Mr. O'Reilly.

How about Brother Paul? He used to be

a taxman before he became a monk.

Brother Paul?

Sister Bertrille, can you imagine what can happen

if a man from the Internal Revenue Service

walks in here and sees a monk as a taxman?

Sometimes you come up with...

fantastic ideas.

Hello. Oh, Mr. O'Reilly.

Yes, today will be fine. 3:00.

Shall I come to your office?

Oh, no. Not to my office. No.

Do you know where the Convent San Tanco is?

Okay. I'll see you there.

A tax audit in the convent?

I would hardly classify that as a religious experience.

For me it will be, Reverend Mother.

You see, I'm going to pray constantly.

It is a little bit irregular.

[Bertrille] Brother Paul was delighted.

In fact, he's already looking over Carlos' bills.

And it'll keep him occupied

until the brick wall is finished.

That's very good thinking, Sister Bertrille.

SeñorRamirez, you may use my office.

Thank you.

[telephone ringing] Oh. Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh yes, Sister Ana. Have him come in.

Well, that is Mr. O'Reilly

from the Internal Revenue Service.

Oh, good.

O'Reilly. Hmm.

Well, now, that explains why

you wanted to use the chapel.

I was only kidding. Your office will be fine.

And if you get in a tight spot,

we can have the choir sing "Ave Maria."

Sister Bertrille... Sister Bertrille,

instead of trying to make jokes,

would you ask Brother Paul to bring the papers?

Oh, Mr. O'Reilly.

I am Carlos Ramirez. How are you?

This is the Reverend Mother.

How do you do, Mr. O'Reilly?

Welcome to Convent San Tanco.

Thank you.

Well, I will leave you two gentlemen.

Excuse me.

You might be wondering why we are meeting here.

Well, it had crossed my mind, yes.

Oh, I know that it's a little unusual,

but you see I do so much work for the convent.

I get involved in things like the catechism school,

donating money to repair the chapel,

seeing that there is enough milk

for the children at school,

running the bingo game at the bazaar,

providing books for the children...

SeñorRamirez? Yes?

The Internal Revenue Service is nonsectarian.

Boy, this wind is pretty...

Brother Paul, the papers.

[Paul] Oh, they're blowing away.

I'll get them, get these!

And hurry up, Carlos is waiting.

These are the items in question, señorRamirez,

that we have to have substantiation for.

Oh, I assure you, Mr. O'Reilly,

that everything is in order.

Oh. Here is my taxman now.

Oh, Brother Paul, I want you to meet Mr. O'Reilly.

Oh, eh, very pleased to meet you, sir.

I never thought tax work would beat making brandy.

Actually, Brother Paul has been kind enough to help me

while my accountant is out of town.

Yes. Well, let's get on with it.

Now, have you brought the receipts from the convent?

Oh, yes... Well, I... Not all of them.

[Carlos] Not all of them? Yes.

Well, the rest of them

are being gathered together at this moment.

The first item in question

were your entertainment deductions.

Well, when you run a casino like mine,

you do a lot of entertaining.

It's all recorded here in this diary.

You bring a book like this into a convent?

Sorry, wrong diary.

Thank you, sir. Thank you!

Here's some more.

But all of my entertainment expenses

are legitimate. SeñorRamirez,

in spite of that sequel to Peyton Place,

we still will require receipts.

SeñorRamirez!

Here are some receipts. More on the way.

Yes. I think these will be of value, Mr. O'Reilly.

"Lunch. Alfred Nichols."

Oh, he's the biggest travel agent in San Juan.

He recommends my casino to tourists.

"Dinner. Mr. and Mrs. Norman Walters."

They are my best tourists. From what they lost last year,

I air-conditioned the entire casino.

"Six shirts, two pajamas, four shorts, no starch."

This isn't deductible

unless you're entertaining your laundryman.

How did that get in there?

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me. It's me again. Thank you.

Mr. Ramirez, for a $23,000 entertainment deduction,

you're gonna have to produce more receipts than this.

If you'll just be patient, sir,

I'm sure we can get them all together.

SeñorRamirez!

More receipts.

[paper crackling]

May I ask what is going on?

There was this sudden gust of wind...

Well, I hardly think I'm gonna find

substantiation of your entertainment deductions

in this little pile.

But, Mr. O'Reilly... I don't think

you'll be able to justify $10,000 in medical deductions.

Well, eh, actually, eh, Mr. O'Reilly,

eh, when a man does that much entertaining,

eh, might it not follow that he needs

a lot of medical attention?

I don't know what you're trying to pull,

but you're not gonna get away with it.

[whispering] Please lower your voice.

There are Sisters praying.

I hope they're praying for you.

Sure, and begorra, a nice Irish Catholic

is not going to think that I am going to lie

in a house of worship.

My father happens to be an Episcopalian minister

and he comes from the north of Ireland.

Shall we go back to my office and talk this over?

We're not gonna talk anything over, Ramirez.

Anybody who's got a monk as a taxman

and a convent for a front is trying to hide something.

You'll be hearing from us, Ramirez.

And I can tell you now, it's gonna go hard on you.

Next year, I suggest

you try having your audit in a cathedral.

[door closes]

What happened, Brother Paul?

I'm afraid it was my fault.

You see, I was carrying the papers under my arm

and this sudden gust of wind came along

and lifted Sister Bertrille right up in the air.

You wouldn't believe it. Oh, yes, I would believe it.

Well, I-I-I reached up and I tried to pull her down,

and well, the papers blew away.

Why didn't you tell Mr. O'Reilly all that?

Tell him that a credited accountant

lost his papers on the way to an audit?

Oh, that's marvelous.

Do you know how much money this is gonna cost me?

Well, I'd like to help, señorRamirez,

but our order has taken a vow of poverty.

I think I've got them all. I think you are too late.

Yes. The revenue agent just left.

Now, what are you doing?

Excuse me, while I act like an interceptor plane.

Mr. O'Reilly!

Mr. O'Reilly, stop a minute.

[tires screeching]

Hi. Here are the rest of Carlos Ramirez's receipts.

They may be a little dirty but they're all there.

It'll prove to you that all of his deductions are legitimate

and he's been a wonderful friend of the Convent.

What are you doing?

Bless you, Sister.

Bless señorRamirez.

Bless his tax return

and bless me.

Oh.

Brother Paul, we want to thank you once again

for straightening out our books.

Well, any time I can be of help,

just call, Reverend Mother. Thank you.

Brother Paul, you'd better hurry.

We don't want to miss your bus.

Oh, thank you.

Sister Bertrille. Sister Jacqueline.

Brother Paul, wait! I'll open the gate.

[yelping]

You're hurt?

Okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

We'd better get going.

No, no, no. I can't leave now.

It's okay. I'm all right.

No, no. I got to fix the gate.

Brother Paul,

we can take care of it ourselves.

[Paul] No, no, no. I wouldn't hear of it.

I'll get some tools.

♪♪

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