Original subtitles

[main theme playing]

[whistling noise]

[dog barking]

[Jacqueline] One of the things

that delighted us most about Sister Bertrille

was her imagination.

It could turn an ordinary caterpillar weed

into a sinister disguise.

Or transform a bull grazing peacefully in the pasture

into El Toro, terror of the bullring.

Hey. Toro. Toro.

Toro. You know me, Toro?

DoñaBertrille. Número uno.

The most famous matador in all of Puerto Rico.

Hey, hey. Toro. Toro.

And a bull does not exist who shall...

Ooh... Oh!

Uh... Nice Toro.

I'm not really a matador.

I once gave $5 to the SPCA.

Stay away.

[mooing]

[whistling]

[singing in Spanish] ♪ Two automobiles, Four automobiles ♪

You were flat that time, Alicia.

[hooting]

Since when do you sing soprano?

[hooting]

Sister Bertrille. Hello.

You sing as pretty as Alicia.

I was lucky I knew the words.

How are you, Gonzalo. I came to pay my milk bill.

Gracias,Sister. This is the last time, you know.

Last time? I'm giving up the farm.

And I'm moving to St. Thomas to work for my brother-in-law.

No kidding. When are you leaving?

As soon as I take Alicia to Emilio Mercado.

He said he might buy her.

Oh, that's a long walk.

And with my corns, even take longer.

But I'm afraid I have to.

Wait a minute.

Why don't you buy the cow, Sister?

Me?

Sure. With what the Convent is paying every week for milk,

at the end, you save money.

And the milk will be free. Why, that's right.

I wonder why no one ever thought of that before!

And it only going to cost you $300.

That's why no one ever thought of it before.

No good, huh?

How much money do you got?

Nothing.

Sister, you drive a hard bargain.

But, wait. There is a way you can have the cow for free.

For free? Practically.

There is an old tractor that I don't need anymore. So...

So Gonzalo traded his tractor

to his cousin Francisco for a car.

The only thing is Francisco still owed

six payments to the finance company.

Six payments of $50 each comes to $300.

We just have to meet those payments and it's ours.

The car?The cow.

I see. Once it's paid for

it won't cost us a penny from then on.

The cow? The milk.

And butter and cheese and eggs.

Eggs, Sister Bertrille?

Anyway, it won't cost us anything to feed Alicia.

Alicia? Oh, the cow. The cow.

Because she can graze on the grounds

and mow the lawn at the same time.

A very interesting proposition, Sister Bertrille.

But much too involved.

Thank SeñorGonzalo and tell him we're not interested.

Reverend Mother, I already told him we were interested.

[cow mooing]

Oh, Sister Bertrille,

the cook wants to know if you've ordered more milk.

She did even better than that, Sister Jacqueline.

It seems we bought the factory.

The factory?

The factory.

[mooing]

Okay, gang. Time for our first class in natural science.

Where's Domingo?

Over here, Sister.

I got everything ready for the milking.

Well, that's very nice. Thank you, Domingo.

But I'm just a beginner

and I don't think my aim is that good yet.

Hello, Alicia.

Where does the cow get the milk?

Well, she makes it out of the grass that she eats.

Then how come the milk isn't green?

Oh, well, you see...

Which faucet gives the milk and which gives the cream?

They're not faucets, they're...

How come they don't milk bulls?

You see, only cows give milk.

[Domingo] Oh, yeah?

My uncle has a goat that gives milk.

Yes, but it was a lady goat.

Then how come it had a beard?

Well, lady goats have beards, too.

Then how can you tell a lady goat from a man goat?

So much for natural science.

Now time for recess, kids.

Go ahead. Dismissed.

I don't think she knew the answers.

How's the milking coming?

Oh.

I haven't gotten quite as much as I expected.

Well, how much have you gotten?

[Jacqueline] It appeared that Honest Gonzalo, the used cow dealer

had stuck Sister Bertrille with a lemon.

However, she preferred not to burden

the Mother Superior with the news just yet.

Custard.

[Reverend Mother] It tastes different, somehow.

It's a new recipe, Reverend Mother.

That's right. Low cow.

Cal. Low cal.

What did you put in the cereal?

Oh.

H2O.

It tastes terrible.

Of course. If it tasted good, it wouldn't be good for you.

[Jacqueline] Although Sister Bertrille was able to somehow

get through a milkless breakfast and lunch,

at dinnertime, when the souffle collapsed...

the truth had to come out.

That's when it was decided to call in professional help.

I cannot find anything wrong with her.

Isn't he looking at the wrong end?

It's the first time I've been at a checkup for a cow.

Physically, this cow is A-one, but emotionally...

4-F? Right.

This is a very sensitive animal.

She's been my patient for years.

She misses the familiar surroundings,

the farm, the other cows.

Believe me, there is but one thing wrong with her.

She's lonely.

[sisters mooing]

[clanging]

[Jacqueline] While Sister Bertrille searched

for the answer to Alicia's problem,

life in the convent went on as usual.

Well... almost.

Now I know what it means, sacred cows.

I'm at my wits end, Gonzalo.

I just can't seem to get any milk out of her.

For a while I thought my hands were cold.

I even tried using mittens.

And she gives nothing at all?

Trouble, yes. Milk, no.

[in Spanish] Poor thing.

If I could only have Alicia here

I know I could solve your problem.

If you had Alicia there, I wouldn't have a problem.

If I can only talk to her.

[Gonzalo speaking on phone]

Sister Bertrille?

[Gonzalo] Why must you be so stubborn, you she-devil, you?

It's SeñorGonzalo in St. Thomas.

You called St. Thomas? Long distance?

Good day, SeñorGonzalo.

Sister Bertrille, when we bought this cow

we bought her as an investment, is that right?

Yes, Reverend Mother.

We made this investment

in order to eliminate the milk bill, right?

Yes, Reverend Mother.

So far, all we have eliminated is the milk.

But what is done is done.

Well, no use crying over spilled...

Precisely.

Now, if a stock does not yield dividends, it should be sold.

Of course.

That would apply also, I think, to livestock.

Who'd want to buy a cow that doesn't give milk?

You did, Sister Bertrille.

Now, we cannot sell Alicia under false pretenses.

But surely there must be someone who,

someone who wants a cow for...

for, uh, a different purpose.

[cow mooing]

A butcher?

[mooing]

A very good suggestion, Sister Bertrille.

[mooing]

[Jacqueline] Though Alicia seemed headed for the butcher

and a fillet mignon fate,

Sister Bertrille refused to give up hope.

So, what do you think?

So, how about it, Jose?

Wouldn't that be a terrific promotion idea for your place?

[mooing]

That was when Sister Bertrille came to the end of her rope.

And Alicia got away from hers.

Alicia!

Alicia!

[meowing]

Just my luck, I'd have to land in a herd of twins.

[squirting noise]

Well, that's not Alicia, that's for sure.

[squirting noises]

Another case of mistaken identity.

[Jacqueline] Of course, there was only one way to identify Alicia.

Naturally, she was the one that didn't give milk.

Okay, Alicia, let's go home.

Hi. What are you doing here?

I just stopped off to buy some milk.

[shushing]

[mooing]

She feels bad enough as it is

without you having to remind her.

Hi. Hi.

We found a new place to buy some milk.

[quietly] I know. I know.

She doesn't want to upset the cow.

Well, did you have any luck?

Or is Alicia going to have to go to the...

B-U-T-C-H-E-R?

I'm afraid it's the B-U-T-C-H-E-R.

B-U...To the...

[gasps]

If I could only get Alicia to St. Thomas,

Gonzalo could take care of the problem.

He told me so on the phone.

You might as well forget it, unless you can get a B-O-A-T.

[mooing]

A boat.

Oh, I know someone with a boat.

[singing in French]

[Bertrille] Carlos?

Yes, ma petit chou. Here.

All morning I've been waiting impatiently just for...

You? What are you doing here?

I came to talk about something very important.

It has to do with Alicia.

Don't believe a word she tells you.

I never made any such promises...

Who's Alicia?

The one I'm talking about is a cow.

Oh.

That sounds more like Consuela.

[Alicia mooing]

Oh, no!

Sister, can't you see I'm busy?

I have no time for cows.

Now, Carlos, this is very important.

It's a matter of life and death.

If I don't find somebody to buy...

You want me to buy it, right?

You'd buy her?

What do I want with a cow?

I don't drink any milk.

You own a nightclub.

My customers don't drink milk either.

Then Alicia's just the cow you want.

She doesn't give milk.

What kind of logic is that?

You want me to buy a cow that doesn't give any milk

for my customers that don't drink any milk...

That's funny. It makes sense.

Then you'll buy her? Absolutely not.

If you ever get a cow that gives bourbon,

I might consider it.

Well, Carlos, I didn't ask you

the question I came to ask you.

It doesn't make any difference.

I answered you exactly what I wanted to.

What I wanted to ask you... Thank you, Sister.

It was very nice of you to come by.

You can go. Don't call me.

But... I will call you. Bye-bye.

DANIELLE:Carlos!

[Danielle] Carlos.

Go away! I'm not interested in cows!

[speaking in French]

Danielle!

I didn't mean you.

Would I talk to you that way

when I made such beautiful plans for the whole weekend?

Really? Where are we going?

Wherever your heart desires.

How about Punta Leone?

That is just another deserted island.

Well, that's the best kind. Wouldn't it be nice

just the two of us? Alone?

For a whole weekend?

Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.

How could you help it? You were eavesdropping.

Hello. My name's Sister Bertrille.

How are you? I am Danielle.

I was wondering if you'd like to go to St. Thomas.

It's got fantastic restaurants and...

It just happens to be the place

where you wanted to go. Right?

I was going to ask you if perhaps, on your way...

If I have room for one more?

No. Two more. You see, I have this friend.

Friend?

[Alicia mooing]

Oh, no, forget it!

Now, Carlos, you don't understand.

You see, the man who owned Alicia went to St. Thomas.

And it made her so emotionally upset

that she just stopped giving milk.

What do I... Oh, the poor cow!

You see, if I don't get her to St. Thomas,

they'll send her to the butcher.

That's something... Oh, how terrible.

But don't you worry, Sister.

We will get her to St. Thomas.

So, you girls are ganging up on me? Okay.

All three of you! Carlos!

[Bertrille] Carlos!

Wait a minute, Carlos!

No, that's all right.

Here. The keys to the boat...Yacht.

Now you can go to St. Thomas!

But include me out!

Now, Carlos, stop acting like a little boy.

Every time I try to act like a big boy, you always interfere!

No!Carlos.

Carlos, what about our little trip?

I'm not running a ferry boat for a cow!

Carlos, calm yourself. Now, calm yourself.

This time I'm putting my foot down!

This is better, Sister. Catch, Carlos!

Did I get him?

Yes, you got him.

Carlos. Carlos.

[speaking in French]

Carlos? Carlos?

Carlos?

What happened? Where am I?

It's all right, darling.

You're safe with me on your boat.

Yacht.

[Alicia mooing]

Foghorns? With the sun shining?

[mooing]

Oh, no! I am not going to allow this.

This boat... Yacht is going back.

Who's at the wheel?

Hi. How are you feeling?

Oh, no.

I don't believe it.

You see how helpful the Sister is.

She helped me right into the water.

I don't need her help.

I can handle this boat myself.

Wouldn't you rather stay down here with me?

It's a long trip to St. Thomas, darling.

Then why are we wasting time talking?

[mooing]

Excuse me. Is the cow bothering you?

Not the cow.

[mooing]

Oh, poor thing. I think she's still thirsty.

Should I open the champagne?

I don't think they drink champagne.

I think she needs more water.

I know where there's plenty of water.

In the ocean.

She can swim there.

And you say she still doesn't want to give any milk?

Not even enough for a cup of coffee.

So couldn't you take her back, Gonzalo?

You mean keep her here?

I don't think my brother-in-law would like that.

He's still trying to get used to me.

It must be the way you've been milking her.

Here. Oh, thanks.

[mooing]

Nothing wrong with her voice.

Let's see what happens when I try to milk her.

That's a good idea.

You can use this to put the milk in.

And this as a stool.

But this got a little rum in it. Well, that's okay.

If she gives some milk you'll have an eggnog.

Okay.

Alicia.

[in Spanish] My girl.

You have to give some milk for...

for the Sisters at the Convent.

Come on, girl. Be good, please.

Go ahead, come on! [mooing]

I never tried milking her in Spanish.

Nothing's happening.

I'll say nothing's happening.

Oh, Danielle, please.

[shushing]

Alicia, you have to give some milk.

This is papa Gonzalo, don't you recognize me?

Do I have to sit here and listen to all this idiotic nonsense?

Alicia, will you stop fooling around and start giving milk?

For goodness sake!

Señor,do not raise your voice to a lady.

[Gonzalo] Alicia, my girl,

please give some milk.

Just like in the old days for papa Gonzalo.

[singing in Spanish]

It's coming! You see?

Oh, what a beautiful sight!

It was the singing.

That's what was missing all the time.

That's it!

You were right, Sister.

Only eight bars from Rigoletto

and the bowl is already half full.

Imagine what she could do with a whole opera.

[Gonzalo keeps singing]

[everyone] ♪ Do I need you? ♪

♪ What a question ♪

♪ Does a needle have an eye? ♪

♪ Does an eye have a pupil? ♪

♪ Does a pupil have a school? ♪

♪ Does a school have a fish? ♪

♪ Ask me anything ♪

♪ Any little thing ♪

♪ Anything you wish, but ♪

♪ Do I need you? ♪

♪ What a question ♪

♪ Does a bathtub have a ring? ♪

♪ Does a ring have a finger? ♪

♪ Does a finger have a nail? ♪

♪ Does a nail have a head? ♪

♪ And I'm asking, please ♪

♪ On my hands and knees ♪

♪ Like a quadruped ♪

What's a quadruped?

It's a four-legged animal.

♪ Has a calendar a date? ♪

♪ Has a date a palm? ♪

♪ Has a palm a hand? ♪

♪ Has a hand a shake? ♪

♪ No mistaking ♪

♪ Do I need you? ♪

♪ What a question ♪

♪ Has an elephant a trunk? ♪

♪ Does a trunk have a railroad? ♪

♪ Does a railroad have a tie? ♪

♪ Does a tie have a bow? ♪

♪ Do I need you? ♪

♪ What a question ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ Does a pupil have a school? ♪

♪ Does a school have a fish? ♪

♪ Ask me anything ♪

♪ Any little thing ♪

♪ Anything you wish, but ♪

♪ Do I need you? What a question... ♪

Carlos, darling.

What is it now?

Because you were so sweet

and took the Sister and Alicia to St. Thomas

and brought them back again,

now you're going to get your reward.

A reward?

Close your eyes.

There you are, Carlos.

The first glass of milk from Alicia.

♪ No mistaking ♪

♪ Do I need you? ♪

♪ What a question ♪

♪ Has an elephant a trunk ♪

♪ Does a trunk have a railroad ♪

♪ Does a railroad have a tie ♪

♪ Does a tie have a bow ♪

♪ Do I need you? ♪

♪ What a question ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

[mooing]

[end theme playing]

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