Original subtitles

[barking]

[Jacqueline] This is Convent San Tanco,

an oasis of tranquility, a haven of harmony,

and right now the home of the 48-hour virus.

I was the first casualty.

To be followed in feverish order by Sister Ana,

and right down the alphabet to Sister Zorina.

Only one of us was miraculously spared.

Doing double duty at triple time, she did the laundry,

KP duty,

and fetched the provisions.

The 48-hour virus left on schedule

and we sisters were fully recovered.

But Sister Bertrille ended up suffering

from nervous exhaustion.

Se�or Garcia, manager of the Hotel Palomar,

is a generous patron of the convent,

and the Reverend Mother made arrangements with him

for Sister Bertrille to take a long weekend

of rest and relaxation.

I came along as her companion.

What's a six-letter word meaning penurious?

Penurious. What does penurious mean?

Oh, stingy.

How about stingy?

Why didn't I think of that? S-T-I-N-G-Y.

You're looking your old self again.

Well, the thing I like about this vacation

is not looking my old self.

Hmm? I mean, I love wearing the habit

but sometimes it's nice to be anonymous.

Good morning, Sisters.

Good morning. Good morning.

[Jacqueline] Pardon me, sir.

How did you know we were nuns?

You don't recognize me?

I'm Bishop Diaz of San Rafael.

Oh, how are you?

I tell you, Randy, we're really missing the boat this year.

Every manufacturer at this convention

is showing space toys.

Astronauts, moon ships, men from Mars.

I hear somebody's even coming out with a time machine.

What does it do? Tell time?

Go ahead, laugh. Very funny.

But what do we push with the Rockhauser stores, huh?

I think that Stockdale is much too conservative

to go for a Hannah-the-Hippie doll.

I wonder if it's possible.

Oh, sure, it's possible, but it isn't very likely.

She sure looks like Elsie.

Hannah looks like Elsie?

Who's Hannah?

Hannah the Hippie. Who are you talking about?

Oh, that girl across the pool.

The...

I met her years ago at, uh, Camp Laughing Water.

Ah, what a summer that was.

[plucking merry tune]

Name, rank and serial number.

Elsie Ethrington, counselor in training, cabin 6.

Nice to know you, Cabin 6. My name is...

Randy Putnam, senior counselor,

swimming instructor, tennis coach,

music appreciation, and camp Casanova.

I've heard all about you.

You've heard wrong.

I've got nothing to do with swimming.

It's a lovely night.

Thank you.

You're crying. Well...

It's the way you play the guitar.

Shall I stop?

Oh, no! No.

I could listen to you forever.

I'll just cry quietly.

The next day I taught her sailor knots,

uh, took her for a hike, and worked on her backhand.

By the time camp closed, we were going steady.

Very interesting. Isn't it?

No, I mean, how about a boy and girl doll who go steady?

"A three-toed sloth."

Could that be Randy?

Randy?

R-A-N-D-Y. No, it doesn't fit.

Oh, forget the sloth. Now, let's see.

Thirty-four down.

"Argentinean soccer star." Heh, really?

He was head counselor at children's camp.

A shy boy with a skin problem.

[guitar playing tunelessly]

Hi.

I'm Elsie Ethrington, counselor in training, cabin 6.

Hi. I'm Randy Putnam, senior counselor.

All alone?

Yep.

May I?

You don't talk very much, do you?

I'm not very good with words.

I let my guitar speak for me.

[discordant strumming]

I'm not very good with my guitar, either.

[playing upbeat Spanish tune]

Wow. You sure don't look Spanish.

I'm not. But when I get involved in something,

I really get involved.

I call that a real talent for living.

Well, it's a talent that can be taught.

Yeah.

Uh, have a Fig Newton, teacher.

All he lacked was confidence.

By the end of the summer,

I had him playing the guitar like Segovia,

singing like Robert Goulet,

and dancing like he had two left feet.

Dancing wasn't his bag.

"Dracula's manservant"?

By the time camp was over with, we started going steady.

Randy!

Elsie.

I thought I recognized you.

What are you doing here?

Well, actually... Oh, my!

Oh, how are you?

What are you doing here?

Uh, toy convention. Oh.

I went into Dad's business. Oh.

Oh, where are you living?

Well, right now I'm living... [Tom] Randy.

Hey, hey, Randy! We've got to meet Stockdale in 10 minutes.

Okay. Okay, listen, Elsie.

It won't be long, a half-hour maybe.

Please come up to my suite for a drink.

Oh, I don't know about a drink, but...

Uh, Suite 407.

Yeah, of course I miss you, Liz.

Don't forget to give my love to...

If you can make it by the weekend, it'd be great. Yeah.

Yeah. Call me the minute you know.

[kissing] Bye, hon.

Well, ask me how we did.

[sighing] How about a drink first?

It won't help.

One half gross of Mr. Monster, that's how we did.

From a chain that has over 30 stores in the Midwest alone.

You know, that's like getting a 10-cent tip

from the Shah of Iran.

Ah, it's a long convention.

Oh, yes, but we're running short of customers.

Ah, come on, relax.

Listen, Liz may come for the weekend.

If she does, we'll double-date. You'll love Elsie.

[knocking on door] Yeah.

Oh, that must be Elsie now.

Hello. I'm Sister Bertrille.

[Randy] She's a million laughs.

I just had my first laugh.

Please. Won't you come in, please?

I'm Tom Grant. I'm Randy's associate.

Oh, it's very nice to meet you.

Is that Elsie?

A reasonable facsimile.

Swell. I was just telling Tom that--that we might double...

Date. I can't stand unfinished sentences.

Will you excuse me?

I, uh, I didn't, uh, recognize you.

Oh, well, that's because I look a lot shorter in a bathing suit.

Quite a...

Why a nun? Why the toy business?

Dad insisted I join his firm. Simple.

Oh. Well, I insisted on joining a convent. Simple.

It can't be that simple.

You had to have some motivation.

Oh, I did.

Uh, anybody for anything?

Yeah. Anything. Double.

Ma'am? Miss?

Sister Bertrille. No, thank you.

Well, uh,

you certainly have nice weather here in San Juan.

Oh, yes.

It's normal, uh, for this time of the year.

You don't say.

Yeah, it's normal for this time of year.

You don't say.

You have a headache?

Migraine. Migraine.

I--I get them when I'm under tension.

The, uh, toy business is not for kids. No indeed.

It's--It's fraught with danger.

First you have to, uh, design a toy,

and then you have to, uh, retool the factory to bring out the toy

and then, of course, there's the problem of selling the toy

and you're a nun, huh?

Perhaps you should lie down.

Sorry, Elsie, but this...

Oh, no, no. No apologies, really.

It's been swell seeing you again Yes.

and talking over old times. Yes.

And if you're ever near the Convent San Tanco,

do please drop in and see me.

Oh, first chance I get.

First chance. Anytime. Yes, yes.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Bye. Yes.

A nun. She's a nun. Don't you understand?

Well, sure I understand. You don't understand.

How can you understand if you don't know the story?

We were going steady for eight months.

Then, one night when I-- when I brought her home from a party,

we started to...

Dull party, wasn't it? Oh...

I could hardly wait to get home.

Elsie... Elsie, I'd like to talk to you about something.

Oh, do we have to?

I'm afraid so.

Elsie, how long have we been going together?

Well, it seems like forever.

Eight months.

And I think we ought to come to a decision.

Oh. Oh, I agree.

You're letting me go?

Say you forgive me.

Oh, oh, I--I--I forgive you. I--I forgive you.

Well, I guess I'd better be going.

Oh, do you have to rush off?

It's better this way.

I guess you'll be dating other guys now.

Randy, after going steady with you for eight months,

I may give up men entirely.

I feel terrible about this.

What will you do, Elsie?

What do you think? I'll--

I'll join a convent and become a nun.

Good night. And I...

A nun. Now do you understand?

Oh, she didn't mean it.

If she didn't mean it, why is she a nun?

Oh, the guilt, Tom, the guilt. How can I live with the guilt?

I've destroyed her life. She looked happy to me.

Happy?

Didn't you see how red her eyes were from crying?

That was from the chlorine in the pool, same as yours.

Oh, I wish I could believe that.

Well, buddy, you've got to.

Unless you want two years of analysis to go down the drain.

Oh, I wish I was on Dr. Shaffmeister's

couch right now.

Randy, have your drink.

We'll go out. We'll get a good dinner.

We'll talk toys, come back, get to bed early,

and I promise you, in the morning

you'll feel a lot better about it. Huh.

[Jacqueline] And he would have.

Except that night it turned unusually muggy

and Sister Bertrille decided a short flight around town

might be refreshing before retiring.

So, without a thing on her mind, she took off.

What are you doing? Operator.

Operator, I want to talk

to Dr. Frederic Shaffmeister in New York,

and hurry. This is an emergency.

[Jacqueline] It was good to be away.

It was nice to be back.

It was heartwarming to know how we were missed.

And now for the rotten part.

"Forgive me. Randy."

"Forgive me. Randy"? For what?

He had a headache when I went to visit him

at his suite so I didn't stay,

but he was very polite and I wasn't mad or anything.

What I always say is never look a pony in the eye.

A donkey in the face?

Try "a gift horse in the mouth."

[Jacqueline] The gift horse came through again the following day.

"Forgive me. Randy."

That must have been some headache.

[Jacqueline] To be followed in quick succession by...

And a...

A stolen mink.

You mean a mink stole.

I mean where's this fellow getting all the money

for all these presents, if he's not stealing?

"Something to warm you on your next vacation. Randy."

Oh, what happened to "forgive me"?

"P.S. Forgive me."

What am I going to do with all this?

Well, either return them or open a thrift shop.

I'm not being unreasonable, Liz.

I'm being as reasonable as I can in my condition.

Uh, the circumstances are

that I'm too business with busy...

Busy with business, to spend any time with you.

I-I'm tied up 24 hours a day.

Uh, tell her, Tom. Tell her. Tell her.

Twenty-four hours a day. Listen, Liz.

I love you, I miss you, I want you,

but right now, stay home.

That's funny. My name doesn't begin with a "B."

Yeah, that's because I didn't buy it for you.

You're not going to even try to lie your way out of it?

I'd try, Liz, but, uh, what's the use?

She's on her way up right now.

Tom, how could you let him?

Well, it-it's not what you think, Liz.

It's not? It's worse.

[Randy] Excuse me.

Tom, I'm going to fight for him.

I won't let a weekend romance... Yeah. Well, excuse me, huh?

Come in. Come in.

[Randy] Uh, Elsie, Sister Bertrille,

my fiancee, Liz Martin.

Oh, well, it's very nice to meet you.

Oh, you didn't tell me you were engaged.

It, uh, slipped his mind. Okay.

Uh, may I speak to you privately?

Yeah, not necessary.

She knows about the presents.

This is the...

She's a nun!

Oh, I'm a novice, actually.

Oh, for a novice you're doing just fine.

Thank you. He's very embarrassing.

He's so generous.

Uh, I came to ask you not to send me more presents.

It's kind of hard to return them.

No more presents. No more.

And no more of those dumb notes asking me to forgive you.

For what?

That's what I'd like to know. For what?

I'll write you a long letter some time.

Here comes my migraine.

Well, I guess that's my cue.

Uh, why don't you hide his checkbook?

He's just impossible.

It was so nice meeting you. Yes. Goodbye.

Liz, uh, did you ever see a...

A nun fly?

No, I can't say I have.

I wish I could say that.

Now he wants to break our engagement

until he gets his mental health back.

Oh, that's flaky.

It never happened that way at all.

You didn't tell him you were going into a nunnery?

Convent. No, I didn't.

Would you like to know what really happened that night?

Well, it was about 10:00...

Dull party, wasn't it?

I could hardly wait to get home.

Elsie, I...

Elsie, I'd like to...

Like to, uh, talk to you about something.

Oh, do we have to?

I'm afraid so.

Elsie, how long have we been going together?

It seems like forever.

Yeah. Eight months.

And I think we ought to come to a decision.

Oh, I agree.

You're letting me go.

Say you forgive me.

Oh, I forgive you. I forgive you.

Well, I--I guess I'd better be going.

Oh, do you have to rush off?

It's better this way.

I guess you'll be dating other guys now.

Randy, after going steady with you for eight months,

I may give up men entirely.

I feel terrible about this.

What will you do, Elsie?

Oh, what do you think I'll do?

I'll--I'll join a convent and become a nun.

[knocking on door]

Well, please tell me again.

Randy had nothing to do with your becoming a nun?

Nothing. That happened about a year after that

when my Aunt Doris came to visit me.

She was a missionary in the Belgian Congo...

Well, that's another story.

Anyway, he's all yours.

I'm not so sure.

Randy has been in analysis for two years

trying to work out his problems.

And he was just beginning to feel good about himself.

Well, i-if I tell him the truth now,

I'll run the risk of making him regress,

of making him feel ridiculous and stupid.

Oh.

Well, it seems to me you have two choices.

Not to marry somebody who feels like a rat

or not to marry someone who feels like a fool.

Well. Randy and I met at a friendship club.

I can always renew my membership.

Oh, well, that's ridiculous.

You might get someone worse.

I mean, you and Randy have been through so much together.

Oh, there's got to be a way to...

[in high-pitched voice] By george! I believe I've just given

Sister Bertrille an idea.

Why couldn't I have been born short and fat and ugly?

Look on the brighter side. You were born stupid.

Why you would ever break your engagement to Liz...

I'd rather discuss it with my psychiatrist.

Maybe in a couple of years when I work through my guilt...

[knocking on door] Well, that's Elsie.

Well, I'll wait in the bedroom. No, no, please don't.

It'll be less painful for her if we're not alone.

Come in, Elsie.

Randy. Tom.

Sister Bertrille.

Well, I bet you're wondering why I've called you here together.

Uh, to say goodbye?

And to sell you a toy.

Well, it's more of a puppet than a toy.

Yeah. Elsie, nobody's buying puppets nowadays.

Well, great. Then you've got the market all to yourselves.

There's nothing more stimulating to a child's imagination

and it gets rid of his aggressions and his hostilities.

And sometimes it helps him say

something he might be too embarrassed to say.

Well, uh, don't go away.

So, it's hail and farewell, huh?

That's the way the cookie crumbles, baby.

Does it have to? We've been so close.

And those presents. You didn't give them to me out of guilt.

How did you guess?

Woman's intuition.

What's that all about?

I think she's trying to tell you something.

Oh, I'm getting a headache.

I'm getting a headache.

Darling, you've awakened something inside me,

something I thought I'd lost forever.

And I've done the same to you, haven't I?

Why should we fight it, sweetheart?

Yeah, fight it. Fight it. Why?

Uh, because you're a nun, for Pete's sake.

A novice. I haven't taken my final vows. I'm still free,

and knowing how you feel about me...

Oh, you're talking nonsense.

Love is nonsense?

[Randy] Love?

Who said anything about...

Listen, listen, you're wrong.

You can't quit on account of me.

I'm already spoken for. I-I-I'm in love with...

I'm in love with... I'm in love with Liz.

Don't fight it, Randy. I'm in love with Liz.

You're fighting it, Randy. Tell her, Tom.

He's in love with Liz.

Suite 402, please.

Liz? Liz, am I in love with you or not?

What do you mean, how should you know?

Well, it worked. [Randy] ...getting married...

Told you it would. How did you know?

We went to the same analyst.

Sister.

"This note is to tell you the wedding will be in two weeks

"and after that, Liz and I plan a month's honeymoon in Alaska."

Ah. I wonder why they chose Alaska.

Well, I imagine because it's as far away from San Juan

as you can get.

"I owe you more than you can imagine, Elsie.

"I never told you this but one night I thought I saw you fly,

"and in exploring this hallucination with my analyst,

"I got the idea for a toy

"which promises to be the best seller

in our spring line. Randy."

Well, I've heard of a papa doll and a mama doll,

but a sister doll? I wonder what it does.

Well, I... Oh, I guess you just push that.

What else?

It flies. Wait for me! Wait for me!

Oh, boy, I'd better go to the optimist

and get myself some glasses.

Optometrist. And glasses won't help.

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