Original subtitles

♪♪

[Jacqueline] The monthly old clothes drive was always

a busy time around the Convent San Tanco.

Some of the old clothes we collected

were in fine condition.

Take this suit I'm holding.

Obviously worn by a little old man in Pasadena

to go to and from the bank.

In a getaway car. [chuckles]

Speaking of getaway cars,

that brings us to señor Gaspar Fomento,

our fearless Captain of Police.

A man who has dedicated his life

to stamping out crime in San Tanco.

How do you do, Captain Fomento? Captain.

So my information was correct.

You are collecting clothes, huh?

Well, we might as well confess.

Uh, we're a front for a used clothing ring.

Making light of the situation

does not alter the fact

that you are breaking the law.

Well, Captain, what is the charge this time?

I'm glad you asked.

Ah. Yes. Page 67.

Sixty... Ah. Yes.

"According to the Civil Code, article 27, paragraph two,

"all charitable organizations must apply for permits

"for fundraising activities 30 days in advance.

"violators are subject to a fine."

Please understand, Reverend Mother,

I am as pious as the next man.

I have the utmost respect

for the Sisters of the convent,

but as an officer of the law,

I cannot take sides.

I must act as if it was my own mother,

who I arrested yesterday.

You're kidding?

A jaywalker is a jaywalker.

♪♪

[Jacqueline] We got the permit

and began searching far and wide for used clothing.

Sister Bertrille, naturally, searched farther and wider.

As usual, she ended up with a donor

who would give the shirt off his back.

Without my casino, San Tanco would be a ghost town.

Okay. No, no.

That's very nice of you.

If I change my mind I will let you know.

Okay. Bye-bye.

The mayor of San Felipe again? Again.

Now he's offered to give me the land free

and to build a new casino,

if I bring my business into his town.

You have to be crazy to turn down

an offer like that. Yeah, but I have loyalty

to the people of this town,

and then there is the Sisters.

Sisters? Yeah.

I thought you only had one sister.

At the convent, those Sisters.

[knock on door] Come in.

Hi, Ramon. Hi, Carlos.

Ha! Speaking of the devil,

if you excuse the expression.

Excuse me.

What can I do for you, Sister?

Well, it's that time of the year again.

What time of the year is that exactly?

The milk fund drive? No.

The building fund drive?

No. The old clothes drive.

Too late.

My brother-in-law beat you to it.

Well, who's he collecting for? Himself.

He's the best-dressed man in the unemployment office.

Well, better luck next year.

Lovely. Bye.

It's brand new. Bye.

I just love that new mature look.

Dibs on it next year when you get tired of it.

Bye. Bye. Wait.

What do you mean, mature look?

I mean, mature, like older.

I'm glad you're finally giving up that playboy image.

Bye.

Wait a minute!

This makes me look older?

I'm sorry I said it. Bye.

No, no, no. I mean, this is a very youthful style.

It certainly is.

On the right person.

What?

Boy, it will look really fantastic

with a pair of Oxford gray slacks.

SeñorRamirez, five more ashtrays have been stolen.

Yeah, I know. But señorRamirez,

that makes 15 ashtrays in the last week

that have been stolen. Yeah, I know.

Mmm. I don't think so.

You don't think so what?

Well, that coat makes you look like a young man

who's trying very... Out, Sister.

Out the door. [mumbling]

Oh, Sister Bertrille.

I know, I'm walking 15 miles an hour

in a five-mile-an-hour zone, right?

Very funny, Sister, very, very funny.

But this has to do with your old clothes drive.

I'll be right there.

[knock on door]

Captain, you have something you'd like to donate?

Can you use a second-hand Captain uniform?

Sure. Where do I pick it up?

Right here. I'm wearing it.

I'm thinking of turning in my resignation.

Your resignation? Why? Why?

Number one, this town offers no challenge

for a man who has been formally trained

in the science of Criminology.

Number two,

the chief of police has requested it.

Your own brother-in-law?

Yes, we had a difference of opinion.

You see, I made out a citation

for litterbugging and he got angry.

Why? He was the litterbug.

I could get my sister to talk him out of it.

But why bother?

Nothing ever happens here anyway.

Oh, what a shame.

Well, as soon as the tour season starts,

I'm sure there'll be lots more crime, so cheer up.

Sister, how can you take matters so lightly?

I really... How would you like it,

if suddenly there will be no more sinners?

Huh? Huh?

I can't believe there aren't any crooks in San Tanco.

As a matter of fact,

I happen to know that there are.

Where? Where? Where?

Carlos' Casino.

Someone's been stealing ashtrays.

Ashtrays? Yeah, I know it's not much,

but those ashtrays mount up,

and they're... No, Sister, Sister.

There is no such thing as small crime.

Only small criminals.

A crime wave at my casino? Who told you that?

We are not allowed to give out names.

We protect our police informers.

Well, I assure you, Captain,

that nothing has been stolen from here.

I know you are denying it because you are afraid

that the publicity is bad for your casino.

I'll assure you that when I'll handle the case,

it'll be done with the greatest discretion.

Now, it need not go any further than these four walls.

Captain, I really don't want you to...

What are you doing?

Oh, I am inspecting for fingerprints.

On my desk?

Could be an inside job.

You know something?

I don't believe you. Now, you listen to me...

Look, it's a beautiful print.

That's my hand.

Then I was right. It is an inside job.

Captain, if I knew what you heard was stolen,

maybe I can help you.

I have received a report

from, uh, one of the police informers

that your casino is a victim of a stolen ashtray ring.

[blowing]

That's why I never wear blue.

Picks up so many of these little things, you know.

You don't understand, Captain.

I wanted those ashtrays to be stolen.

In fact, I encourage the customers to steal them.

Let me read to you from the criminal code.

Page 79, hmm-mmm,

section c, paragraph two.

"Any person convicted of inciting another

to a criminal act..." No, Captain.

"...shall himself be deemed

"as abetting the crime" But what happened...

"...and subject to up to five years imprisonment

"and a maximum fine of 10,000 dollars."

Captain, customers like to take ashtrays as souvenirs.

That's why I had printed on them,

"stolen from Casino Carlos."

It's supposed to be amusing.

All right. I will have a look around.

Captain. Captain, please. No, no. Please.

There are customers out there.

Are you afraid of something, señor?

Yes. I have this terrible fear of bankruptcy.

SeñorRamirez, I order you to step aside, please.

[people chattering]

You are under arrest.

I demand to know the meaning of this.

Sit down.

[screaming]

You're under arrest, too.

You're under arrest! Please, please, everybody.

It's just a little misunderstanding.

You are under arrest, too. So lock your front door,

and don't let anyone leave. Uh-huh. No one leave.

Your brother-in-law said I could have this

if you part... Not now, Sister.

with your gabardine... Please, not now.

That man, Fomento, is raiding my place.

Ask me who I'm calling. Who are you calling?

I'm calling the mayor of San Felipe.

Ask me why I'm calling the mayor of San Felipe.

Why are you calling...? I'm accepting the offer

to move my casino there. Carlos,

you're not serious?

[engaged tone]

It's not my day. His line is busy.

You know, Carlos,

it isn't entirely Captain Fomento's fault?

Oh, it isn't? Isn't he out there now,

ruining my business

because somebody reported stolen ashtrays?

Well, I only told him that to cheer him up.

You told him that?

Well, I thought it would give him something to do...

Oh. That I don't believe.

You won't call the mayor...? Oh, no.

I'm going to fly there and make the deal in person

so I'm sure that nothing goes wrong.

Oh.

There we are.

A nice little slip for a young girl,

or a miniskirt for a stylish stout.

Oh, we're doing fine, Sister Sixto.

There's only a few more things left.

But I'm afraid you're doing all the work,

Sister Jacqueline.

I'm not very fast with needle and thread,

I sew like molasses in February.

January.

My molasses is so slow,

it takes them two months to move.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Ah!

I think you'd better take an Iodine break, Sister.

[groaning]

Sister Jacqueline?Mmm-hmm.

Shall I use red thread or white?

That depends on what you're planning to sew.

My mouth. Maybe then I wouldn't be so apt

to put my foot in it?

You shouldn't feel that way.

Because of me, the convent is losing

the best friend it ever had.

You acted with the best of intentions.

If one is willing to forgive others,

one should forgive oneself.

What if you weren't a nun?

Use white thread.

I wonder if it's too late

to take the vow of silence. [chuckles]

When the Reverend Mother returns from San Juan

and finds out we're losing

the most generous patron the convent had,

and it's all my fault, she'll flip.

The Reverend Mother is a very understanding woman.

I'm sure she'll unflip eventually.

Look, why don't you try to find

a nice tail wind this afternoon and relax?

Good thinking. Ah...

The worst part is, Carlos needs us

just as much as we need him.

I mean, we're like family to him.

We're a pain in the neck,

we're interfering with his personal life,

and we're always needing money.

I mean, what are relatives for?

I'm serious.

With all of Carlos' yelling and screaming,

he loves helping us out.

It gives him the feeling of being needed.

[cawing] You're right.

We got to stop Carlos from making

the biggest mistake of his whole life.

Yeah. Okay.

Shoo away home. Shoo away. Shoo away home.

I'm positive, Sister Jacqueline.

I know Carlos and he just isn't happy

unless he's miserable.

Then we've made him the happiest man in the world.

Sister Jacqueline, put down the needle and get the wrench.

The hot water heater just blew up.

[groans]

There are teaching orders,

nursing orders, but I daresay

we're the first plumbing order.

In the old days, I could've just gone

to Carlos to donate a new heater.

Well, those days are gone forever, Sister.

Not necessarily.

Just what did you have in mind?

Well, if Carlos thought the convent

was in real trouble,

I'm sure he'd stay in San Tanco.

Well, I hardly think a hot water heater

is going to change his plans.

No, but suppose it was something more serious?

Captain Fomento is here. Good.

Sister Bertrille, you sent for me?

Yes. Nice to see you, Captain. Have a seat.

Thank you. Uh-huh.

Uh, I think this one over here

is much more comfortable.

Thank you.

Now, you're probably wondering why I asked you here.

You see, I have kind of a special request.

I thought perhaps I might be able to bring

some of the children down to the police station

on sort of a field trip.

Being that we've never had such a famous criminologist

here in San Tanco before. I...

I appreciate your compliment, Sister,

but I-I still have to give you a citation.

Citation? What for?

The faulty wiring. Oh, yes.

Well, how can it be faulty if it works?

Sometimes I wish my eyes were not so sharp.

Let me read to you something, yeah?

Hmm-mmm. Page 99,

section a, paragraph two.

"All electrical conductors must be properly insulated

"and no single outlet can carry

"over 400 Watts of AC or DC current."

[coughing]

Well, if we're breaking the law,

I guess you must do your duty.

That's right. Excuse me, Sister.

What-what is it, Sister Jacqueline?

Be sure nobody lights a match in the kitchen.

There's a leak in the gas pipe. My word.

Gas pipe.

Faulty wiring, leak in the gas pipe.

And we're not absolutely sure of that, Captain.

[explosion]

Now you can write it down.

While I kept Captain Fomento occupied,

Sister Bertrille arranged another disaster,

or two.

It appears to me that there are

some serious violations of the building code

in your convent, Sister.

I can assure you, Captain,

that outside of a little faulty wiring

and an explosion in the kitchen,

you will find that the rest of the convent

is in, uh, fair condition.

The prediction was for clear skies.

Oh, my goodness, Captain.

What seems to have happened here?

Obviously, there is something wrong with your roof.

Oh, yes, well, I-I guess

perhaps some of the tiles have blown loose

and the insulation is cracked in a few places.

Defective roofing.

Oh, excuse me, Sister Jacqueline,

we need some more candles.

Oh, there are some in the basement, Sister.

Thank you.

Uh, Captain, step over to the fire

and you can dry yourself.

Why don't you sit closer to the fire?

Yes. Thank you.

[clattering]

What was that?

To me it sounded like Sister Sixto

falling down the rotten basement steps.

Excuse me, aren't you going to find out if she's hurt?

[Jacqueline] Oh, she never gets hurt.

And besides, the water will break her fall.

Oh, the water. The water?

In the basement.

You got a flooded basement?

[Bertrille] But don't worry about a thing.

Sister Sixto's a very strong swimmer.

Rotting stairs, strong swimmer...

Strong swimmer.

Flooded basement.

Oh, I'm sorry, Captain.

Why, that must be that clogged chimney again.

Naturally. [coughing]

You giving us another citation, Captain?

Another citation?

Of course not.

[coughing]

This convent is condemned.

The convent is condemned?

That's right.

I-I guess it's the end of the convent,

unless a miracle happens.

Well, you are in that business.

Yes. Well, I-I realize, Carlos,

that it really isn't any of your concern.

After all, you're going to San Felipe,

and I imagine you'll be very happy there.

I'm sure I will be.

I mean, there won't be any Captain Fomento

or-or any nuns like me to bother you.

That's true.

Well, I just thought I'd tell you the news.

Okay. Thank you.

Well...

Good-goodbye, Carlos.

Goodbye, Sister.

Good... Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye-bye.

You, too.

[sighs]

I just thought I never thanked you

for the wonderful things you've done

for the grand old convent and we'll never forget them.

When we're standing there with tears,

watching the grand old convent being torn down,

we'll remember that if it hadn't been

for our good friend Carlos Ramirez,

the convent would've been torn down a long time ago.

Sister Bertrille, I could cry.

You could?

If I didn't feel like laughing.

To think that you would go through all this

just to keep me here. Just to...

Just to keep me here.

You're angry?

Of course I'm angry.

And touched.

Now confess it. You made all this up.

Well, it's a nice feeling to be wanted,

but why do I have to be wanted

by a convent of kooks?

You're right, Carlos.

We don't have any right to ask you to stay.

I mean, it's your life to live,

such as it is.

So, don't worry about us.

We'll get along without you...

somehow.

Sister Bertrille,

why don't you quit when you're ahead?

You'll stay?

Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

I would be crazy to move to San Felipe

and have a happy, carefree life

when I can stay here and have a crisis

every hour on the hour.

Don't look now,

but one of those little hour hands is coming up.

What now?

Captain Fomento is coming back

to formally hang up the condemned sign.

You confessed you made the whole thing up.

That part we didn't make up.

You mean, the clogged chimney

and the rotting stairs, the basement...

That part we made up.

Okay.

How are we gonna get you out of this now?

Well, I-I have one idea.

What is that?

You'd never do it. Do what?

Forget it.

Forget what?

No, I'm sorry I asked.

I demand that you ask me.

How would you like to buy a 400-year-old convent?

He just drove up. Good. Pass the word.

[knock on door]

Sister Jacqueline, word has reached my ears

that you have the convent up for sale.

That's right, Captain.

It's the only way out.

Please, do not be hasty, Sister.

You see, my chief has asked me to review the case.

In fact, he has urged me quite strongly.

Well, that's very kind of the chief,

but in our financial position,

we have no alternative.

[stuttering] But perhaps we could overlook

the clogged chimney. Huh?

Well, that would save us about 300 dollars.

[laughing] No problem.

Once we drain the water in the basement,

it will be ideal for the topless revue.

In the convent? Oh, yes.

SeñorRamirez has made a generous offer

to take over the place.

You plan to turn it into a nightclub?

Oh, no, only the basement.

Upstairs would be gambling casino.

The meditation room would be ideal for roulette.

[Bertrille] We could tear out the prayer benches

and put in slot machines.

[Carlos] The Mother Superior's office

would be a great place for Blackjack.

On the contrary, I think my office

would be much more suitable for the dice table.

Oh, my goodness, Reverend Mother.

I beg of you, Reverend Mother,

do not sell the convent.

My chief was so furious

when I condemned the building...

You condemned it?

[Fomento] But I have the power

to overrule myself.

And I say

that to turn the convent

into a casino

and the basement into a...

It would be sacrilegious. I quite agree.

[Fomento] Yes. Now, I came across a-a paragraph.

"Any building erected before 1765

"shall be of such historical significance

to be designated a national monument

"and not subject to the current building standard."

Now, in my capacity as Captain of the police,

I designate the Convent of San Tanco

into a national monument.

Oh, very good, very good.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I will report the new development to my chief.

With your permission, Reverend Mother.

Thank you, yes.

I know this must sound

absolutely crazy to you, Reverend Mother,

but sure once I explain how it happened,

it'll all sound absolutely crazy.

Somehow, I'm prepared for that.

Well, it started when these ashtrays

were stolen from Carlos' casino.

Well, the ashtrays weren't stolen,

they were souvenirs...

Hello, Captain. The Reverend Mother said

you had some clothes to donate.

Yes, due to the fact

that the city council have voted to cut

the yearly appropriation for the police department.

Regretfully, I've had to cut the police force in half.

Oh. Well, I'm sure señorSalazar

can find another line of work.

No need to remind you

of the grave situation that it is

to have a one-man police force.

Oh, I know.

And there won't be too many laughs

at the policeman's ball this year.

However,

I want to make it clear to you,

and to the Sisters at the convent,

and Carlos Ramirez and the whole town,

that I will continue to fight crime in San Tanco.

And that I will not tolerate any violations of the law,

no matter how big or how small.

Captain, I...

I hope this building is over 200 years old.

It would be a shame to condemn the police station.

♪♪

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