Original subtitles

[barking]

[Jacqueline] When her good friend, Carlos Ramirez,

went on 2 weeks active duty with marine corps reserve,

Sister Bertrille did everything she could

to make his service more tolerable.

Private Ramirez was stationed on a small island, not far from San Juan.

Sister Bertrille knew that his palate would not take kindly

to a steady diet of field rations.

Sister Bertrille wrote Señor Ramirez a letter every night.

She didn't want him to feel o-out of touch.

Señor Ramirez's unit

was scheduled to take part in large scale battle maneuvers.

Sister Bertrille watched the newspapers avidly for some sign

that the maneuvers had begun.

If you're on guard duty, shouldn't you be guarding something?

Oh, no.

These are just games.

Even when the battle starts, it wouldn't be a real one.

I'd still hate to see you get into any trouble, Carlos.

Trouble?

The commanding officer is terrified of me.

He knows a real man when he sees one.

Ramirez.

What's going on?

Well, uh, um, we have war game, sir.

I'm playing.

You civilian.

You 2-week hero.

You think these maneuvers are some kind of joke?

Oh, no, sir, I don't. Uh, I'm dedicated.

Young lady, how did you get on this island?

His yacht.

His yacht?

It's only one thing I hate more than a civilian, a rich civilian.

Well, it's just a little yacht.

Willis. Sir.

How could you get a boat through our security?

This island's supposed to be on red alert.

Well, we are not on red alert yet, sir.

Well, put us on! Yes, sir.

As for you playboy,

you may have thought, you are only on 2 weeks' active duty.

Yeah, I thought I was.

But you've just become a career man. Well, I don't want to.

By the time I'm finished with you,

you'll be in the corps 20 years.

20 years? I've--

in the brig! Yes, sir.

[Jacqueline] While Private Ramirez awaited court martial,

he was put on a work detail.

It included, among other things,

polishing Captain Dolger's boots.

The old man liked the way you peeled the potatoes.

You mean the daisies? Yes.

Tonight he wants you to shape 'em like roses.

I'll do my best.

"Reverend Mother Placido, convent San Tanco."

Captain Dolger knows Reverend Mother.

You better be careful

or you're gonna get another 20 years for reading his mail.

Just a moment, this is important.

Does he know Mother Placido?

Hmm. Talks about her all the time.

She and, uh, bismark are his idols.

Tell me one thing.

How much is it worth to you to make one brief radio call for me?

My stripes.

You're going-- forget it.

We are on red alert.

You couldn't get a cough through this security screen.

You understand that?

Lieutenant Willis, could I please see Carlos?

No, I'm sorry, but it's against regulations.

Just for a second?

Please, lieutenant, before she goes, one little kiss.

Well, it's against regulations.

I know, I know.

Oh, Carlos, I'm gonna miss you so much.

Oh, don't worry, baby.

My only regret is that I have but one life to give for my country.

[whispering] Go to convent San Tanco,

tell Sister Bertrille she must come here immediately.

How? How will she get through the red alert?

Don't question the mysteries of the church, my love.

Honestly, Reverend Mother, Carlos wouldn't have sent for me,

not me, unless he really needed me.

Señor Ramirez is a grown man.

He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

Sister Bertrille, we cannot interfere

in the affairs of the marine corps.

But Reverend Mother, Ginger said that

that Captain Dolger is going to court-martial Carlos.

Captain Dolger?

Captain Daniel "gung ho do-or-die" Dolger?

You know him?

Yes, I know him.

In fact, he's my cousin.

And Cousin Daniel takes his responsibilities very seriously.

Sister Bertrille, I think we had best

pray very earnestly for Señor Ramirez.

Yes, operator. I--I am trying to reach

captain Daniel gung--

j. Dolger.

The 112th marine detachment.

Yes, yes. They're on maneuvers.

No, I have not. As you put it, "lost my marbles."

I am simply trying to reach

Captain Daniel J. Dolger.

[man chattering on phone]

Young man,

no matter what color alert you are on,

that is no way to talk to a lady.

Good day.

Sister Bertrille, perhaps you had best fly over to the island,

at least to investigate.

Right!

Reverend Mother.

[Dolger] Ramirez.

Go ahead.

Malinger, it'll bring the charges against you to an even dozen.

What is it, Willis?

Uh, unidentified object approaching on the radar, sir.

Oh, it's nothing but a pelican.

Let me see those.

Man in the firing positions! Sir?

A pelican? They certainly bamboozled you, Willis.

It's one of our new missiles.

Man the firing positions!

[men chattering]

Now this is it, men. "Force x."

First wave of the aggressors.

I know that you'll make me proud of you today.

Sir, that is a poor, helpless pelican.

I'm an animal lover.

Oh, don't worry. We don't use live ammunition. We use flour.

But you can brush that off.

How do we know they are hit?

The honor system.

Coordinates, 4 minutes, 33 seconds, north.

53 minutes, 9 seconds, east.

Fire 3.

It seems to be retreating, sir.

[explosions]

[Bertrille] Carlos!

Carlos!

Oh.

Sister, ar-are you all right?

Oh, yes. Except for a few scratches on the fuselage.

Are you sure those are just games?

With Captain Dolger, nothing is a game.

Come here, sister.

I have to talk to you before they get back.

Please sit down.

Now, sister,

I'm not one to take advantage of a friendship,

but I have been generous with the convent, right?

Oh, you sure have, Carlos. There was that acre of land that--

an acre and a half, and a playground. Now, who keeps count?

Now the point is, Reverend Mother should do me a favor.

This Captain Dolger,

he's going to draw and quarter me.

What did you do? Nothing.

Well, it was a little misunderstanding about visiting hours.

Now Reverend Mother has great influence on Captain Dolger.

You have to persuade her to intercede for me.

Oh, Carlos, I-I'm sure she wants to. She even tried.

But she couldn't even get a telephone call through to Captain Dolger.

She won't be able to, but she has a nun who can fly.

A letter?

A special delivery.

[beeping] Radio headquarters.

Tell them we repelled our aggressor. Yes, sir.

[machine beeping]

Good show, men.

I'll never forget this day.

Where's Ramirez?

Uh, I don't know, sir.

He's escaped.

You're an angel. Oh, thanks.

[Ramirez] I'll always be grateful you.

Oh, it's nothing, Carlos.

[Ramirez] Nothing?

You risked your neck to get over here.

[Bertrille] But you're my friend.

A girl.

[Dolger] You just don't stop, do you, Ramirez?

Girls, girls.

How dare you?

Dressing up one of your little playmates as a nun.

Now, wait a minute. I am a nun, or a novice.

Oh, sure.

And I'm prince charming.

Oh, oh, captain, she is a nun.

She's Sister Bertrille of convent San Tanco.

And you're one of her good works, I suppose?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes. You see--

[Dolger] I don't want to hear about it.

I just want to know one thing. How did you get on this island?

Can, uh, you keep a secret, captain?

Try me.

I flew.

I see.

You took an unscheduled flight on Air Vatican

and you landed on our nonexistent landing strip?

You see, sir, I didn't fly in an airplane. I just flew.

You see, uh, I--I don't weigh very much. Only 90 pounds.

And when the wind is very strong--

forget it, sister.

[chattering] What?

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. What is it?

Uh, sir, I ju-- I just spoke to headquarters,

and they say that that wasn't the aggressor we repelled.

No, sir.

It was-- it was me. Your guns fired at me.

Of course.

[mumbling] I forgot you flew over.

Yes. It all has to do with, uh, lift plus thrust

being greater than load plus drag.

[Dolger] Now, listen to me, both of you!

I've been in the corps 30 years.

I survived okinawa.

I survived guadalcanal.

And I survived inchon.

And I'm gonna get through this, too.

Willis, I want both these people put in the guard house.

We don't have a guard house, sir.

Then build one.

I'm going to get the truth out of you

[Dolger] If it's the last thing I do.

[Jacqueline] Sister Bertrille and Señor Ramirez were subjected

to a series of intensive interrogations

to clarify the matter.

[Ramirez screaming]

I don't want to hear another word about lift plus thrust!

But it's true. I am Sister Bertrille of the convent San Tanco.

[thudding]

If you don't believe my story, just ask the Reverend Mother Placido.

[crying]

It's all part of the maneuvers.

You're working for headquarters,

aren't you?

Like the girl,

she's some kind of advance agent.

They sent her here to test our security, yep?

Captain-- don't try to lie!

Too late.

The jig is up, Ramirez.

You're from headquarters. I couldn't court-martial you if I wanted to.

Ramirez,

the honor system.

[yawning] What--

what can I say?

You almost got away with it.

Bring in the girl.

I'm sorry, captain, but if I confessed to a story like that,

I'd just be telling a lie.

It's not fair.

It's just not fair.

They're making maneuvers tougher than the real thing.

If I may suggest, sir, why not check out the, uh, the sister's story?

I mean, particularly since you know Reverend Mother Placido.

They've finally gotten to you, haven't they, Willis?

We're on red alert.

The aggressor forces may attack at any moment.

Do you think that I would desert my command post

to scramble over to San Juan and check out a red herring like this?

[knocking on window]

[crickets chirping]

[inaudible]

Well, Cousin Daniel.

Shh!

I see you're still allergic to doors.

Can anyone hear us? Why?

It isn't a friendly family visit, Cousin Boone.

Oh.

I want to ask you something. Yes?

Maybe you better sit down.

Why? What-- well, what's happening?

Now--now, listen here, Cousin Daniel,

has something happened to Sister Bertrille?

There is a Sister Bertrille? Of course.

She's one of our novices here.

Short, round face with a pug nose? Mmm-hmm. Yes, yes.

Where is she?

She's on my island, that's where she is. Chained to a tree.

Danny! I don't know what kind of an order you're running here.

The girl shows up in the middle of a red alert,

and do you know how she tells me she got there?

Can you keep a secret?

Now don't-- don't you start that with me.

She can fly.

Hmm.

Lift plus thrust.

As I understand it, yes.

I see.

That's very interesting.

Very interesting.

They don't stop at anything these days, now, do they? Nuns even.

Mother superior.

May I ask what you were doing?

You know what I'm doing. No, I do not.

You're in on this. What?

Right along with Ramirez and the girl.

You're all working for the aggressors.

And you're my own flesh and blood. Now where's that microphone?

Microphone?

I know this office is bugged. Every word we're saying is going straight to g-2.

What on earth are you talking about?

Daniel j. Dolger, stop that.

I mean it.

All right, wherever you are,

I'm not cracking yet. Not yet.

Dolger hasn't cracked yet.

I survived inchon, I survived guadalcanal, I survived okinawa.

Danny. Uh?

Daniel, listen to me.

Sister Bertrille can fly.

You always had the same problem.

You remember when you were a little boy,

how you climbed through our living room window one night

because you were determined to find the--the little man

that lived inside my father's, uh,

new fangled radio? Remember that, hmm?

You must have a little faith, Daniel.

And if you do not believe that Sister Bertrille can fly,

why do you not ask her to demonstrate?

You're trying to undermine the entire marine corps.

An officer asking a nun to fly.

What's she doing on the island anyway?

She was trying to help Señor Carlos Ramirez.

Oh, yeah. Well, she helped him, all right.

He'll get 30 years now.

What--

if you insist on being your usual gung ho self about it--

it's all your fault, Cousin Boone. My fault?

I deserted my post, sneaked off my own island.

If this Sister Bertrille can fly, you've got no business

letting her go airborne in the middle of a red alert.

Cousin Daniel.

No business.

You run your outfit, I will run mine.

[crickets chirping]

[whispering] Everything quiet?

All quiet, sir.

[foliage rustling]

Wait a minute, there's something moving out there.

Can you see it?

Yes, sir.

This maybe it. The aggressors.

Ready, fire!

[gun firing]

[Dolger] It's me!

Don't fire, you idiots.

It's me!

I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry.

It looked as if someone was landing out there.

I was taking a walk.

Willis, about Ramirez and the, uh, the nun.

I think I've come up with a new approach.

It came to me in a kind of a flash.

There are times, my boy, when a man just has to

throw away a manual.

Why didn't you wake me up last night to demonstrate?

There just isn't enough wind this morning.

That wouldn't have stopped the Wright Brothers.

But it is true, captain.

Sister Bertrille can only fly under certain conditions.

Come off it. You can fool some of the people all of the time,

and all of the people some of the time, but you can't--

sir. What?

We've sighted the aggressor, sir. Where?

Landing craft off position 2.

Let me see those.

Man the firing positions. Deploy the troops.

You stay right here, please.

Carlos, I'm sorry.

Of all the times to get grounded.

Don't worry, sister.

If I'm going to be shot,

there's no one I'd rather have standing beside me.

Gee.

Jeez.

[wind blowing]

Oh. Oh, where were you when I needed you?

Sister, go before they come back.

No, Carlos, I won't desert you.

Why should both of us suffer?

Carlos, I simply cannot-- do I have to launch you?

[Bertrille grunts]

[Carlos] You can be more help to me in San Juan!

Do you still want me to talk to the Reverend Mother?

Too late for her!

You better find out if the Secretary of the Navy is Catholic.

[machine beeping]

Willis, Willis, where are the pins?

Wars have been lost for want of a pin.

Oh, right here, sir.

Good, we'll send "a" company

over to "b" company.

And "b" and "a" company will move over to the edge of the clearing.

Send "c" company to the beach.

Be sure they have plenty of fire power.

And the recon patrol will move from this point...

Sir.

Sir, sir! ...From this point...

Uh, sir, sir, doesn't it seem strange to you

that the--there aren't more landing craft?

Maybe we're on a budget this year.

Captain Dolger.

Captain Dolger.

Can't you see I'm busy? This is zero hour.

That's why I must talk to you.

[machine beeping]

Sir, that is not the aggressor force.

That is only a decoy.

A diversionary move.

You're really out to get me busted, aren't you, Ramirez?

Why? I do my job.

I serve my country.

Sir, there is a whole flotilla approaching from the other side of the island.

Why didn't I spot her or radar-see them?

They are too far away.

But believe me, sir, someone saw them.

Really? How did they manage? On tiptoes?

It was Sister Bertrille who saw them, sir.

Sister Bertrille.

And I suppose she was, uh...

Listen, Ramirez, one more peep--

good heavens, captain, what do you need for proof, aerial photographs?

Honestly, captain, you're the most skeptical man I've ever met.

Captain.

Zero hour.

[grunts]

Willis.

Yes, sir.

Deploy "a", "b", "c", "d" units

to the farer side of the island.

The west shore, sir? But, uh--

ours is not to reason why.

Ours is but to do...

Or die, sir.

[screaming]

[guns firing]

[guns firing]

[whistling]

[birds chirping]

Touchdown.

[man sounding off]

The general's going to be mighty impressed, Captain Dolger.

You've secured this entire phase of the operation.

Thank you, major.

Tell me something.

How did you figure out what we were up to?

Well, sir,

there are times when a man just has to

throw away the manual.

You know what I mean?

Yes.

I think so.

Ah, sister. Hi.

Uh, have you seen Carlo--

ahem, uh, Private Ramirez? I want to say goodbye to him before I leave.

No, I haven't seen him since he helped bring in the prisoners this morning.

[Ramirez] The war games are over. Now, the postwar games begin.

[woman] Oh, Carlos.

[Carlos and woman moaning]

[woman chuckling]

I've never been an aggressor before. It's fun.

Ramirez.

To the victor, sir.

To the victors.

Oh, sister.

Oh, no, thank you. I never drink while I'm, uh...

[end credits]

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