Original subtitles

♪♪

[Jacqueline] There was great joy at Convent San Tanco

that lovely spring day in April.

Sister Jacqueline,

Sister Sixto, Sister Bertrille!

Come here, Sisters, quickly. I have something to show you.

The reason for our happiness was a check for 5000 dollars

donated to Convent San Tanco

by a certain señor Juan Hernando.

The figures swam before my eyes.

So many lovely zeros.

As our spirits soared over this unexpected windfall,

Sister Bertrille just soared.

Come down, Sister. Come down!

Reverend Mother wants to talk to us.

About the big banana.

Bonanza, Sister. Bonanza.

Oh, we're going to watch television?

She's going to open up the jar

of homemade brandied peaches

she's been saving to celebrate.

Sister Bertrille may be aerodynamically sound,

but like any airliner,

she is occasionally at the mercy

of that old devil, wind.

[crashing]

Get a ladder, Sister.

Wait there. Don't go away.

[fabric ripping]

Sister Sixto, hurry.

Going my way?

♪♪

[all laughing]

Oh, I just love brandied peaches.

I thought only cattle is brandied?

A toast to señor Hernando.

[all] Here! Here!

I think we've all had one peach too many.

You still haven't told us

who señor Hernando is.

I still don't know who he is.

Our Convent records show

that a boy by that name

was raised here in the orphanage.

That was before my time.

When he was 17, he left the Convent

to seek his fortune.

[Sixto] He sure did.

5000 dollars is not grass, you know?

Hay, Sister.

That's what I say. Hey, Sister,

what are we gonna do with that money?

How about a new stove?

Buy new cushions for the prayer benches. Soft ones.

Oh, yes. That means there'll be a lot more praying done.

Build a new playground.

Oh, and buy a new station wagon.

Mmm. Mmm.

A television set. Color.

Don't forget the remote control.

Sisters. Sisters, I promise

that I will take all of your suggestions under advisement.

In the meantime, I think it would be a good idea

if you, Sister Jacqueline, or Sister Bertrille,

drive into town and deposit the check.

Why don't we both go?

Sister Jacqueline could drive, and I could ride shotgun.

You think the old heap will start?

We haven't got much time before the bank closes.

I hope so. I'd be worried carrying this till Monday.

Where did you put it? My pocket.

Do you think that's a safe place for it?

Did you ever hear of anyone losing a pocket?

On the other hand, there's always a first time.

[wind blowing]

[all exclaiming]

[all chattering]

I've heard of a check bouncing, but this is ridiculous.

Sister Bertrille, prepare for takeoff.

Roger and out.

That a boy.

Come on, give it here now.

Well, you can't even cash it. It isn't endorsed.

Come back here, you embezzler!

Drop that check. You understand?

Drop that check this very instant.

Oh, no.

Now he listens to me.

Excuse me, ma'am. Excuse me. I got it.

Oh, I got it.

It's only scorched a little bit down here

where the signature is... Was.

Now what are we gonna do?

How about crying?

Oh...

Oh, excuse us.

Enjoy your dinner.

Goodbye.

[Jacqueline] And there was no address or phone number on his note?

Unfortunately, no.

We could call the bank. They're sure to know

who Juan Hernando is. [Reverend Mother] Yes, we can.

When it opens on Monday.

Oh. For all we know, Juan Hernando

might leave this island over the weekend.

A man as rich as he is could go away

and not come back for months.

Sisters, you're all missing the important point.

I don't think you should let a whole weekend go by

without thanking señor Hernando

for his generosity, it's not polite.

[Reverend Mother] A very excellent suggestion, Sister Bertrille.

But how do you propose we implement it?

Reverend Mother, may I borrow your telephone book?

Here's his name.

And here. And here. And here.

It seems Juan Hernando

is the John Smith of Puerto Rico.

Well, there's only one thing to do.

With a little bit of luck, and a lot of patience,

we just might find him.

[phone dialing]

Hello? This is Sister Bertrille

of the Convent San Tanco.

I-I'm looking for Juan Hernando.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Hernando.

She's looking for him, too. Has been for ten years.

May I suggest a more scientific approach,

such as starting at the top and working your way down?

Oh, good idea. Why didn't I think of it?

Keep your fingers crossed, girls.

Uh. Hello? This is Sister Bertrille

of the Convent San Tanco.

May I please speak with señor Juan Hernando?

Oh. When will he be out?

Five years?

Cheer up. Maybe he'll get time off for good behavior.

[ringing]

Hello.

Yes, yes, this is Juan Hernando.

Uh, this is Sister Bertrille of the Convent San Tanco.

Yes, Sister. What can I do for you?

Well, first I wanna make sure

you're the real señor Hernando.

Yes. I am the real señor Hernando.

The orphan?

Yes, you could say that. Mmm-hmm.

And, and you were raised by the Sisters?

Yes, you could say that also.

He's an orphan.

He's the real Juan Hernando.

I found him. I found him.

Yes. Yes, Sister, I am still here,

but I am very, very busy. Perhaps you could...

What are you doing?

I am taking this typewriter.

You can't do that.

Do you have the money you still owe on it?

No, but...

Then I'm taking this typewriter.

Yes, Sister, yes, I am, I am still on the line.

Perhaps you could tell me what is on your mind quickly.

I'm calling about the donation.

Sit.

Yes, Sister, you were saying something about a-a donation?

Yes. The 5000 dollar check.

Tell him we'll bring it right over.

Yes, if it's all right,

we'd like to bring it right over?

Sister, let me try to understand

what it is you are saying.

You are saying, if it is all right with me,

you are going to bring the check for 5000 dollars?

Yes.

Of course it is all right with me.

A miracle, a miracle.

Señor Hernando, I'd like to explain what happened.

Never mind. Tell me when you get here, the sooner the better.

Do you know where San Rafael is?

I'll find it.

It is just outside of San Juan.

A little town of 3500 souls

and 260 donkeys. How far away are you?

Oh, about ten miles as the crow flies.

I'm talking about decent crow.

Now, listen to me very carefully, Sister.

I have a very important meeting at my campaign headquarters

at the corner of Alvarez and Montenegro Streets.

You will meet me there and bring the check, yes?

Well, yes. But how will I recognize you?

Sister, there is no need for you to recognize me.

I will recognize you.

Goodbye, Sister, and hurry.

Bye.

Do you know what that means,

señor Tomas?

That the Sisters of the Convent of San Tanco

are supporting me in my campaign.

Well, what'd he say?

Well, he's giving us a new check for 5000 dollars.

After what you have heard,

you are still taking back the typewriter?

Only to go out to the truck

to get you another one, Your Honor.

For the next Governor of Puerto Rico,

only a brand-new electric typewriter will do.

And, my friends, I promise you

that if I am elected Mayor,

I promise you that I will keep my promises.

I will build a new super highway.

A bridge connecting the islands.

And a football stadium.

How will you get the money?

By lowering the taxes, that is how.

Who will pay for all these improvements?

What is the question? Oh, yes.

That is a very good question. Yes.

And I will answer it

in my first State of the Union message

after I'm elected.

The Sisters. Tell them about the Sisters.

Yes, yes, I was just coming to that.

And now, my dear friends, you will be happy to learn

that I am not only the candidate of labor,

and of management,

of the working class, and of the propertied class,

but also of that most sacred of all institutions,

the church itself.

Yes, the church as represented

by the Sisters of the Convent of San Tanco.

Oh, I see you do not believe me.

Well, what if I were to tell you that at this moment,

the Sisters are bringing to me a check of 5000 dollars

in support of my campaign?

[all murmuring]

You would think that I, honest Juan Hernando,

am stretching the truth.

[chuckles]

Well, then, look,

for the truth comes marching on.

Excuse me.

Sisters, I am Juan Hernando

and I am delighted.

Oh, well, we're glad to see you, too.

Come. Come. You must share the place of honor with me.

Yes, my friends, look, as I have promised,

these Sisters... Watch your step, Sisters.

Watch the step. It is a very high step.

I hope you have thought of a few well-chosen words

to say to my constituents.

About what?

About me. Say something nice.

Of course. Yes.

Ahem.

It's a great honor to be able to tell you

what a kind and generous person señor Hernando is.

And furthermore... Thank you, Sister.

There, you have heard it from the horse's mouth.

Forgive me, Sister.

I hope you will vote accordingly.

You have brought the check, Sister?

Well, may-maybe you'd rather wait

until you're finished with your little meeting.

On the contrary!

I want all my constituents

to witness our little transaction.

Uh...

I'd like to explain what happened to it.

What could happen to it

safe and snug in your little purse?

Intermission time.

And to while away your waiting hours,

San Rafael's most distinguished artist

will play for you.

Play, Jose.

Play, Jose.

Sisters, I'd like to have your ears for a moment.

Sisters, what kind of a joke is this?

Oh, it was no joke. Especially trying to find you.

What has happened to this check?

Well, let me try to explain to you.

You see, it fell in the fire

and the signature burned off.

And, of course, a check isn't any good

without a signature, is it, señor?

No, Sister, it is not. [sniggers]

[Jacqueline] So, if you don't mind, you can give us a new check.

You want me to give you...

In other words, Sisters,

if my mind is still functioning,

I am going to give you a check for 5000 dollars?

Thank you very much, señor Hernando.

Thank you so much. You're welcome.

You'll be remembered in our prayers.

And I won't forget you. Never.

If you give us a new check we'll be running along.

I cannot give you a new check.

Pardon?

Come, let me explain to you.

You see, it is not that I do not want to,

or that you do not deserve it,

I would not want you to lose confidence in me.

That would be disastrous, especially right now.

Just exactly what do you mean?

What do I mean? Well, what do I mean?

Yes, what I mean is

I cannot give you a new check

until the old check is canceled.

Well, that's practically canceled right now.

Yes, we could just tear it up. Right up.

No, no, no. I'm afraid that would make shambles

of my bookkeeping system,

but we will work something out.

What I will do is transfer funds

from my campaign account to my joint account,

which will take a little time.

How much time?

A few days.

Until I'm elected Mayor.

At which time, Sisters, believe me,

I will be writing checks all over the place.

Thank you very much.

You are very welcome. And here is your old check.

What'll we do with it?

Let me not keep you from your duties.

Thank you so much. Thank you for coming.

And do not worry, you will hear from me,

I promise.

Goodbye.

Sisters, there is nothing to be concerned about.

I am certain that señor Hernando

will keep his word.

In fact, he just telephoned me

a few moments ago,

just before you returned.

He did? Yes.

He said that he is on his way

over here right now.

He is?

That's the fastest transfer of funds in history.

Especially with banks closed.

He couldn't have been elected Mayor already?

Well, it's a very small town.

3500 souls, 260 donkeys.

Well, in any case, he will be here momentarily.

While we were preparing

for the arrival of señor Hernando,

we were too busy to notice

the arrival of señor Hernando.

Although even if we had noticed him,

we wouldn't have noticed him.

Does that sound confusing?

It was.

Oh, yes, señor Hernando,

we plan to do all sorts of wonderful things

for the Convent with your generous donation.

That is why I dropped by, Reverend Mother,

to see that all was well.

Well, uh, now that you are here,

I am sure that everything will be well.

What happened to it?

I thought that Sister Bertrille explained.

Sister Bertrille? Who is...?

[phone ringing]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Your Excellency.

Reverend Mother, have you seen

the San Rafael Herald?

Not recently, no.

Is there something in it

that would be of interest to me?

Reverend Mother, my capacity

is strictly advisory.

However, do you think it's wise

to involve the Convent in local politics?

Your Excellency, I-I am not certain

that I know exactly what you are talking about.

Well, then, let me read this to you.

"San Tanco Sisters support Honest Juan Hernando."

What?

Honest Juan Hernando has a reputation

for being a little less than honest.

Why, that is dreadful.

He is simply an opportunist.

And he'll do almost anything to get elected.

I only wish you could see him in action.

Your Excellency, I am seeing him in action.

And while I don't know how you,

uh, got involved with this man,

but my advice is...

Your Excellency, I know exactly how we got involved.

And I will take care of this matter immediately.

And thank you, Your Excellency,

for calling us. Good day.

Señor Hernando,

we do not want your check.

You don't?

No. Now I know why you gave us a donation

of 5000 dollars. You do?

Señor Hernando, you should be ashamed of yourself

for what you have done. What did I do?

That telephone call was

from His Excellency, the Bishop.

Yes, yes.

It was about you, Señor Hernando.

He explained everything.

Reverend Mother, I have committed

a sin or two in my lifetime, but...

Señor Hernando, there is one sin

which exceeds all others in perfidy.

And that is the sin

of attempting to bribe the church.

Señor Hernando, you are

a self-serving, heartless, evil man.

Reverend Mother! Good day, señor Hernando.

Well, the meat's cooking, the table's set.

And who was that man?

Why that was your good, kind,

generous señor Hernando.

Oh, no. It wasn't our good, kind,

generous señor Hernando.

It is not? No.

Our good, kind, generous Señor Hernando

is a short man with a mustache.

So, who was that?

That was my good, kind,

generous señor Hernando.

The real one, I presume.

And I just gave him his 5000 dollars

and a piece of my mind.

[engine starts]

Quickly, Sisters. Before he leaves.

No apologies, Sisters, please.

I understand perfectly.

Señor Hernando, the Sisters

have explained the misunderstanding?

Oh, we would not have wanted you to leave

under such circumstances.

Why, with a name as common as mine,

anything can happen.

Then you bear us no ill will?

Of course not, Reverend Mother.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Won't you stay for dinner?

Yes, we have some fantastic brandied peaches.

90 proof. And a lovely roast.

Rarely done. Done rare, Sister.

Thank you, but I must be going.

[sisters chattering]

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, of course. My hat.

And your check? No.

I beg your pardon?

The Reverend Mother was right.

The Reverend Mother was wrong, whatever she said.

Yes, actually, you do understand, Señor Hernando,

that I was referring to another scoundrel.

Another señor Hernando.

It does not matter. You hit on the truth.

My life has been anything but pure.

I have become wealthy in ways I am not proud of.

My money's tainted.

Could I ask you to accept that?

Well, if you happen to run across any untainted money,

will you keep us in mind? Sister Bertrille.

I was thinking of his conscience.

As a matter of fact, yes. Yes, I have.

Five years ago,

I bought a piece of land,

and sold it a year later for a handsome profit.

It was a clean, no monkey-business transaction.

That profit, I would be glad to donate.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much, señor Hernando.

The check is for 100 dollars.

Thank you. Thank you.

Not at all. Good day, and thank you.

God be with you. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Well, Sisters,

there's a great deal that can be done

with 100 dollars.

We could always plunge it into the campaign

against Juan Hernando, the crook.

But I thought I was the real Juan Hernando.

I mean, all my life I have been

the real Juan Hernando.

And now, suddenly, I am no longer

the real Juan Hernando anymore.

Certainly not the Juan who sent us the check.

Well, is-is that my fault?

Why didn't you tell us the truth?

In front of my constituents?

I'm a politician, not a martyr.

You're going to have to call the newspapers

and tell them it was a misunderstanding.

Well, it was as much your misunderstanding

as it was mine.

Why should I be the only one to suffer?

[inaudible]

We've reached a compromise.

Yes, and so, my friends,

with the help of the good Sisters here,

we have developed a marvelous platform.

And so, I want to promise you,

that if I am elected Mayor of our fair city,

that I will not

do away with all of the taxes.

And I promise you also

that you could forget about the super highway.

And you could forget about the new bridges

and the stadiums...

Señor Hernando, un momento, tell us,

just what would you do if you are elected?

I will go to church every day of my life

and give thanks

because if I am elected,

I will be the most surprised man

in all of Puerto Rico.

♪♪

[end credits]

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