Original subtitles

(male narrator) In 1972, a crack commando unit...

was sent to prison by a military court...

for a crime they didn't commit.

These men promptly escaped...

from a maximum-security stockade...

to the Los Angeles underground.

Today, still wanted by the government...

they survive as soldiers of fortune.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help...

and if you can find them...

maybe you can hire the A-Team.

[gun firing]

(Little John) Go too far down this river, is me think.

All this nonsense about El Cajon, the river pirate.

These people really believe he's some kind of devil?

A mystical creature who can walk without one foot touching the ground.

You gotta be kidding.

El Cajon, he maketh no shadow.

Death follow him like silent friend.

El Cajon has cobra and moccasin around his neck.

They fear to bite him.

Look, our deal was you would take me to the Jurua Tributary...

and on past the settlement at Fonte Boa. I paid you for that distance.

That was before husband of me sister had vision last night.

Your brother-in-law chews cocoa leaves. He's high. He's loaded.

His pupils look like train tunnels.

He see tomorrow today.

Ah, he's a little bit crazy, me think.

[laughing]

But he is listened by others.

We're not turning back, Little John.

When we reach bend in river, we see.

That is me best think on it.

[birds chirping]

You say to them that I know where the lost city of Del Rio is.

[grunts]

The religious artifacts, they can have.

The treasures of their Peruvian Indians.

Much magic. Okay?

You and your family be big medicine.

Much magic.

He want two thing.

Okay. What?

You will offer your hand to El Cajon to save our lives.

That's easy enough. Sure. What else?

He want good luck medal from your neck.

My girlfriend gave me this St. Christopher.

Kind of a pre-engagement gift.

These things will take you round bend in river.

Nothing else.

[exclaiming]

[Little John laughing]

(Little John) It will be safe now.

I don't believe this.

So, looks like El Cajon's...

out scaring snakes on another part of the river.

El Cajon.

[yelling in Spanish]

[yelling]

[guns firing]

Maintain your course. We'll outrun him.

No, you must stop.

You will give him your hand.

I don't think this guy wants to shake hands.

No shake hands.

You will let him cut it off and you will offer it as a gift to save our lives.

[laughing]

(El Cajon) Good morning, señor.

You seem to be having a bit of trouble.

Perhaps for a small amount of money I can give you a hand.

I thought I was supposed to give you mine.

This is a very old Indian custom.

You give a hand to protect your friends.

Is very, very funny custom, no?

[El Cajon laughing]

[speaking in Spanish]

[guns firing]

[El Cajon speaking Spanish]

[El Cajon laughing]

(El Cajon) Such is the legend of El Cajon.

He will tell the others of the man who walks on one leg.

[laughing]

Perhaps a box of diamonds, eh?

It's my journal.

Your journal.

Yes...

very important, these words.

Just my personal stuff.

I see.

[laughing]

It is about many women, eh?

I think?

[El Cajon laughing]

I will read these words later.

[laughing]

[El Cajon laughing]

Señor,this is not the way for friends to welcome each other...

over the barrel of the pistola.

You're not my friend, fatso. Where's the rest of the money?

Isn't it you who's bringing the money to me?

Does not your boss, SeñorDoylee, pay me...

to keep people off the river?

I'm through with you and I'm through with Doyle. I want what you've got.

[groans]

My bad leg, she aches.

May I sit down?

The man who walks with one foot get tired...

somedays.

You fat bucket of donkey sweat. Where is it?

You make a big mistake.

[gun firing]

It is a double barrel, señor.

The man who walks on one leg...

carries a shotgun in the other.

Is good trick, no, eh?

The fat bucket of donkey sweat do it again, eh?

[laughing]

[coughing]

And so the paper sent a stringer down to Monte Alegre...

which is a tiny town on the Jurua tributary of the Amazon.

There's a river Indian there, who goes by the name of Little John.

Little John. I like that.

He was in Brian's party, and the only one to get away.

Apparently their convoy was attacked...

by a river pirate who goes by the name...

of El Cajon.

(Face) El Cajon?

El Cajon? I think that's a Spanish word, not a name.

And you're engaged to this Brian Lefcourt?

Pre-engaged.

We gave each other these St. Christophers...

and when he got back from trying to find the lost treasure of Del Rio...

we were going to be married.

When did all this happen?

Last month.

When you guys were in South Carolina helping that old sheriff.

I don't want to be judgmental but...

well, marrying the rich owner of the newspaper where you work....

Rock Hudson and Doris Day did that movie in 1950.

I'm not marrying him for his money.

Let's get back to this lost city stuff.

There wouldn't happen to be some lost treasure in this lost city, would there?

Brian isn't after the treasure.

He has a doctorate in Archeology...

and there happen to be tremendous cultural finds...

that date back to the early Peruvian tribes.

Oh, well, now, this is encouraging.

Yeah? Yeah.

"El Cajon. Spanish translation: The coffin."

What kind of a scungele would call himself a coffin?

Well, probably the same kind that would call himself Hannibal.

[both snickering]

Come on, Face, Hannibal the Great was a general, he was a thinker.

A coffin is just a suitcase for a dead body. It lacks style.

It's klutzy, brutish.

The guy is a terrorist slob.

And I think I'd like to tell that to Mr. Coffin in person.

(Hannibal) Face, you spring Murdock, I'll get B.A.

(Face) Yes, yes, it was tragic.

That's why the family has asked me...

to handle the final part of the interment.

I don't quite understand.

Are you with the Congregational Church or Lyman Brothers Mortuary?

Both.

You see, it's all pre-packaging these days.

One-stop shopping, if you will.

Yes. Now, I've given you the paper work.

I wonder if I might have a few...

final moments with the deceased?

Now, that's Lieutenant Colonel...

Lawrence Bushman.

Colonel Bushman was taken away this morning, I thought.

If he was, would I be here with our Heaven Rider number six?

Your what? The coffin.

Oh.

Would you mind having a few of the attendants outside unload the hearse?

And which way might the hospital wing be?

To your left, second floor, right.

Thank you, child.

Yes, yes, lovely. Thank you.

And, if one of you might remain behind to help me with last rites?

Yes. Let me see.

Let me see. I think....

Oh, you, in the whatever.

Yes, he'll do nicely.

And if the rest of you could just wait outside, please. Thank you.

All right, Murdock, hop in. We're running a little late.

It's always the same. It's always the same.

They never ever give me what I ask for.

Murdock, it's all I could get, all right?

Are you kidding me?

Who would send me these little pillows...

and this pale beige lining?

What has this got to do with the rest of the set?

Has any thought been given as to who might play the lead...

and would he indeed look good in oak? Murdock--

I want you to get on to wardrobe and on to make-up...

and clean this mess up.

This entire production has been shtank from day one.

What're you, making a movie? The movie.

It's going to be fantastic. It's called Closed For Remodeling.

You could be a star.

Those eyes, those blue eyes are stunning!

Why don't you try the angle from inside.

That's a great idea. You and I are gonna work well together.

Those eyes, that hair, that chin, the way it frames the face.

I know.

Half the world's population should see it.

Where's Murdock?

The service was brief but very moving.

He broke down and asked if he could remain behind in the bathroom...

to compose himself.

*[Murdock humming]

That was me.

I'm sorry, I sometimes get carried away.

[Murdock grunting]

We need all this stuff, Hannibal?

For a guy named "The coffin", I want to be able to stitch his bag with lead.

How come we gonna unload it from the van?

Because I have to ship it to where we're going.

We're flying, ain't we?

That's right, B.A.

It's out of the country and we're gonna have to fly there.

Only I don't fly, Hannibal.

And now that I know you want me to fly...

I ain't gonna turn my back on you.

You ain't gonna get me with no knock-out drops, man.

Ain't no way you're gonna get me to eat or drink anything.

I understand.

Then, you won't want...

this last swallow of your milk, I guess?

[grunts]

[thudding]

(Murdock) The movie business is in real trouble, Faceman.

Gross receipts are down.

I mean, the whole industry, it's, you know, it's run by attorneys anyway.

They cut a real filmmaker to shreds.

Have I got stories. Boy!

Have I got stories to tell you.

I mean, committees of men sitting around in smoke-filled offices....

What is this all about? Oh, this is gonna be fun.

He's making a movie.

A classic little film called Closed For Remodeling.

(Murdock) ...works of immense struggle, and I will not....

That's already opened. I saw it on a theater marquee last week.

Don't you do that to me, Hannibal.

One lunatic in this outfit is enough.

[laughing]

Oh, my gosh! Look at that face!

Have you ever considered a career in show business?

We have to pick up Tawnia.

We have a lot to do. Get out of there, Murdock.

You're making a big mistake. I'm telling you, both of you.

You, meet me in my office Monday, 5:00.

Hey, SeñorDoylee.

I'm looking for Kruger.

He came over here two days ago with your money.

He never came back. I was about to send a man to you, señor.

He no show. I think maybe you no like my work.

I stop many boats, catch many men for you.

Well, maybe he took off with the money.

If he gets to Iquitos...

gets drunk and starts telling anybody what's going on here....

I am sure this will not happen. You killed him?

[laughing]

I am a simple river boat captain.

The jungle, she is very mean...

and it is a long dangerous way to Iquitos.

How many have you got? Twenty men, six women.

I will have them gathered up for you, señor.

Put them on your boat.

I didn't know you could read, muchacho?

Like this river, señor, I am a man with many turns.

It is of beautiful women who sing, dance...

drink wine and love, no?

Where did you get this? This belongs to Brian Lefcourt.

Is he known to you?

He owns some of the biggest newspapers in the world.

Ah!

An important man? He must be worth mucho dinero.

Where is he? I want him now.

[groaning]

My bad leg, she is aching.

It is time for poor crippled El Cajon to sit, I think.

Where is he, Cajon? Or I'll blow your stinking heart out.

And if you ever point this gun at me again...

I'll feed you your leg.

[laughing]

I like you, señor. You are a man to admire.

[people chattering]

Get them up. Load them aboard.

[men speaking Spanish]

(Doyle) Come on, move it.

Hold it. Put him in the forward cabin.

[man speaking Spanish]

Until next time. You are a joy, patrón.

[chuckling]

But you did a big mistake with me, muchacho.

(Murdock) I don't know! I do not know!

How am I supposed to make this classic...

if my driver keeps hitting every bump in the road?

[Murdock groans]

(B.A.) Help! Help!

[B.A. screaming]

Don't tell me I'm in this coffin, Hannibal!

If you tell me I'm in this coffin...

I'm going to start spilling you guys' teeth!

No, no, no, no, no. That's not a coffin, B.A., that's a Heaven Rider.

Yeah, we at Lyman Brothers like to think...

that there are no angry spirits in a Heaven Rider.

You guys slipped me down in a coffin. That's it. This is the last one.

It's gone too far, Hannibal. You hear me?

Sergeant Baracus, who was our Ordnance Officer in Vietnam?

I was. You know I was. Right.

Now, don't think of it as being shipped down here in a coffin...

think of it as accompanying our ordnance locker.

(Hannibal) And...

a job well done, Sergeant.

This is a coffin, Hannibal, it's not an ordnance locker.

Now, B.A., emote, emote, emote!

You guys brought me down in a coffin.

It will not be in the final cut, I promise!

[people chattering]

Yes?

(Hannibal) The Reverend O'Herlihy and I are transporting a coffin...

up past the bend in the river to the settlement at Fonte Boa.

We're looking for a river guide named Little John.

Do you know where I can find him?

They don't want us to leave. How hospitable.

Ladies and gentlemen...

my name is H. M. Murdock...

better known in the theatrical capitals of the world...

as H. M. M.,

or Mmm-hmm.

And I am the greatest director of the cinema...

that has ever exposed a frame of film...

and I usually get what I want.

So where are the 200 llama wool sweaters...

that I need for the barbeque scene on the beach?

You want to be in this picture, chickie, you better get what I want!

Well, are you gonna go get the sweaters...

or are you gonna pull one of these mealy-mouthed el foldoson me?

This is a joke? Your're kidding, señor.

A joke. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

(Murdock) You're gonna joke all the way...

on the plane back to L.A., boy-o!

[people murmuring]

I'm looking for a river guide named Little John.

He died.

No kidding. When did that happen?

Tomorrow.

(Churlisco) And you're gonna beat him into the ground...

unless you pack your bags and get out of here real fast.

You're very sure of yourself, aren't you?

Well, it's a nice, friendly place you have here.

Now, why don't you open the door...

and not cause any trouble?

That door stays locked till you and your friends...

tell us why you're really here.

B.A.

[people screaming]

Now, you're the guy with the big mouth so you can tell me where Little John is.

I tell you nothing.

[groaning] You want to bet?

[Churlisco groaning]

Where is Little John?

[gasping]

He's on Bobbi Cardina's boat at the wharf.

Oh, thank you so much for your hospitality.

[spits]

[quacking]

(Hannibal) B.A., guard the road.

(Hannibal) We're looking for a man named Little John.

(man) Little John leave many days ago.

(Hannibal) Well, what about Bobby Cardina? Where is he?

Is best you go, señor. The captain takes no passengers.

No freight.

What is this, caramel custard?

It is material for the church which is being built beyond the bend in the river.

Yes, well, speaking of churches, I'm the Reverend Galen Giles...

and we're taking this casket to the settlement at Fonte Boa.

Señores,you must go.

[gun firing]

We got trouble coming, Hannibal!

Cut us loose, Face. Hannibal, we got trouble coming!

(Hannibal) All right, we're gonna borrow your barge!

Everybody off this sucker!

(Hannibal) He didn't make it.

Nice drinking with you!

Okay, querido, who the hell are you?

[gun crashing]

My name is Hannibal Smith.

And if I could persuade you to take that gun down...

this could be the start of an interesting friendship. Who are you?

My name is Bobbi Cardina and I'm the captain of this vessel.

Miss Cardina, I hope we haven't inconvenienced you.

Look what you have done, señor.

I've only half the load. You have cost me much money.

(Hannibal) If I could persuade you to put that gun down...

perhaps I can make it up to you.

Well, perhaps you could persuade your friends...

to put down their guns as well.

Now, señor, get ready for a swim.

But you haven't heard my offer.

I will pay you $100,000 in American money...

to take us to the settlement.

Now, I know you got a deal with El Cajon, the river pirate.

Some reason he lets you get by.

Think about it, Miss Cardina...

$100,000, American.

You have the money on you? It's in the coffin.

What a wonderful idea, Colonel. It's gonna look great in my film.

There is no money, is there?

Well, not yet, but who knows.

Let's say that we're at a standoff.

There are no standoffs, querido.

I like this girl, Hannibal.

So do I.

[Bobbi laughing]

You are crazy men, no?

I'm not crazy. I'm a great filmmaker.

I have visions that I turn into cellular monuments...

and I'm here to tell you that with your aspect ratio...

you could walk with the cinematic gods.

Actually, what we're looking for, see, is a river guide.

Yeah, a chap by the name of Little John.

He was the guide for Brian Lefcourt's party.

(Bobbi) Yes, I heard that.

SeñorLefcourt has been captured.

Many people are captured on this river. None are ever seen again.

You're saying he's been killed?

I'm saying none are ever seen again.

El Cajon is a pirate.

He lives by a pirate's code.

Well, Mr. Coffin's in for a big surprise...

because we've got a code of our own.

Señor,I have heard from one of Doyle's men in Monte Alegre...

the big one named Churlisco,

he was attacked in a bar by four men.

And they have taken the Cardina river barge.

It is about one mile up river from here.

Which men? Whose men?

I don't know. But they're armed.

We will show these men what happens...

when one passes bend in the river...

without the permission of El Cajon.

(Hannibal) We're coming to the bend in the river.

Keep it in the center of the current.

Now-- I don't know...

props must be asleep on this picture.

I asked to have some small canoes along that bank.

You know, symbolizing lost battles....

That's not props, Murdock, that's set dressing.

Oh, it's not props. What?

Take positions over here and keep your rifles out of sight.

(Hannibal) All right, if that slime ball jumps us, we'll sink him.

Get inside, honey. Not on your life, Hannibal.

I got you guys into this. I'm not going below decks.

Right.

(Tawnia) Hannibal.

(Bobbi) You like this, don't you, señor?

(Hannibal) It does get the blood started.

Now, when the firing starts, stay down.

I will pilot this vessel.

It's all I own.

All right, stand by. Here he comes.

Señor,we have some engine trouble.

Would you help us, please?

Get that bunch of lumber out of my way or I'll run you down.

This may be harder than you think, señor.

If you have guns you will drop them.

Forget it, pal, we're going through.

No way, señor. You are four, we are ten.

[laughing]

[gun firing]

[yelling in Spanish]

[yelling in Spanish]

Pull back! Pull back!

(Hannibal) Hold it right there!

You are well armed, señor.

Are you the jackass that calls himself "The Coffin"?

Yes, señor.El Cajon.

Mr. Coffin, please do not sweat.

There is to be no sweating in my film.

Here, wipe it off yourself.

All right, now take us to your camp. Move it.

Boy, do I love this movie.

Don't you?

B.A.

See if you can find some place to lock these guys up.

Right.

Ándele, ándele! Pronto!

Not you, Coffin.

The pirate business hasn't been so good, huh?

Señor,if you knew the problems...

a poor river boat pirate must face.

It is not an easy life.

Yeah, and it isn't getting any easier, is it?

Okay, which one of these cabañasis yours?

The one with the TV antenna, huh?

The reception is muy malo.

Get only Donald Duck on Saturday without sound.

What a shame. Let's take a look.

(Hannibal) We're looking for Brian Lefcourt.

We know you attacked his boat. Now, where is he?

Señor,my leg is wood...

and she aches very much.

Perhaps El Cajon might sit down...

while we speak about this SeñorLefcourt.

Okay, but keep your hands in sight.

This SeñorLefcourt, you have come...

all this way with these powerful weapons to find him?

I'll ask the questions.

Now open up, before I take you outside and hang you upside down.

Is this the way to speak to the respected enemy?

That's the way I am.

Spill it, Coffin.

In that case, adiós, señor.

[gun clicking]

So, you had a little surprise for me, huh? No, I don't.

You ought to get some plastic cartridges, pal.

You can't go swimming with those paper-wrapped.

You catch me at disadvantage, señor. Give me the chance.

Same chance you gave me, huh?

Yeah, but you had nothing of value to trade.

But I have something for you.

The traveler you seek, SeñorLefcourt.

I can give him to you. I can, señor.

Doyle here.

(El Cajon) SeñorDoylee, hola.

I have for you some news. Not so good.

I have some peoples here, and they look for the man...

the one called Lefcourt.

(Doyle) Who are they?

They say what they're after?

No, they just seek for the one called Lefcourt.

And you've captured them?

They are here with me.

Well, hang on to them. I'll be there at first light.

They shall be here when you arrive.

You have my word.

Hey, SeñorDoylee.

What's going on? How come your boat's half sunk?

I always knew that you had the good nose for trouble...

and we have plenty.

[groans]

Beautiful, B.A., it was beautiful.

You're gonna be a sensation at Cannes.

Okay, boy-chick, this next shot...

is gonna be multiple cameras. It's the great massacre scene.

It's where your body is riddled with thousands of bullets.

Unfortunately, I got to get it the first time. No retakes.

You get my drift?

You wanted to talk to us about Brian Lefcourt.

You stupid, fat pig.

I would not be too harsh with the words...

considering where we both stand, my friend.

We want to know about Brian. Is he all right?

The lady asked you a question, pal.

Is he? Tell me.

I'm sure you will see him soon enough, chiquita.

Their weapons are no good, Doyle.

[laughing]

Shall we drop the weapons, gentlemen?

Might as well. She pulled the firing pins, guys.

I am sorry, querido.

Not half as sorry as I am.

Not as sorry as you will be.

[laughing]

Get them aboard the barge!

You will return them to the encampment...

and then continue on with your supplies.

I will have to make one more trip.

There was to be no more trips.

Because of them I had to shove off without being fully loaded.

What is one more trip among friends?

Under the circumstances, I do not think you have much to complain about.

[El Cajon yelling in Spanish]

Are you loco?

If not for her, we would be their prisoners.

If not for her, they wouldn't be here in the first place.

Every trip she takes past the bend in the river jeopardizes us.

Now we are on the alert.

We will watch them.

But that was foolish, SeñorDoylee.

She's a stubborn one.

Never mind.

After this delivery I'll have no use for her anyway.

You wish me to kill her?

No.

She is one I want for myself.

(B.A.) Yeah, Hannibal, I hope you're working on another plan.

We haven't finished with the old plan. What old one?

The one that takes us to find Brian Lefcourt.

You call getting caught like this a plan?

Well, with a few minor glitches...

it takes us directly to Lefcourt.

Sounds logical to me. It would.

(Bobbi) Cast off.

[boat engine humming]