All language subtitles for Louis.CK.Live.at.the.Beacon.Theatre.2011.720p

[indistinct chatter]

-- Louis!
-- Louis!

[indistinct chatter]

[cheering]

Alright, let's get started.
Go ahead, sit down.

Okay, yes, sit down,
we're just starting.

There's no opening act.
Fuck it. Just, let's start.

Let's just start.

Get your seats.

Get your beers and everybody
go ahead, sit down.

Kill the house lights.
Let's just start.

Let's just start a show.

There's no point in
screwing around.

I'll do all the anouncements
that you would have heard.

Please turn off your cell phones.

You can take pictures but
turn off the flash.

That's stupid,
because it's not--

You know when you're watching the
World Series and there's all that--

Like your flash is lighting
Yankee Stadium.

Just leave your flash off.

Don't yell out during the show.
If you have something you
want to say to me...

This is what we do.
We write it down

and then you go
outside in the lobby

and then you go home and
you kill yourself

because, that's selfish.

This is a rhetorical performance.

It's got nothing to do with you.

Don't text or twitter during
the show. Just live your life.

Don't keep telling people
what you're doing.

Just, because also--

also--

it lights up your big
dumb face. It lights it up.

I see this beautiful see of
darkness and then just one guy.

So, don't do that.

What else? No jews,
I think they said that earlier.

They told me I have to say it.

Jews aren't allowed.

If you're jewish this
is a good time to go.

If you see somebody kind of Jewey
looking then please tell an usher

and they will--

Sir, come on.
Let's go. Come on.

Yes, let's go.

But, I'm really glad you're here.

This is a sizeable crowd.
This is a big place.

There's about 2500 people
here, and that's--

That's a lot of people.

That's enough people to be
a sample of the population.

2500 people is enough people that
you're all going to experience--

There's enough people here to
say that within two months
at least one of you will die.

I'm just saying. I think it's
probably accurate to say

that out of any random
group of 2500 people

not all of you are gonna make
it to Christmas, unfortunately.

There's gonna be--

At least one of you here tonight

is going to ruin your
family's Christmas

by dying a shitty death.

And I don't know
who it is, I'm sorry.

I don't know, your
death is whatever--

Some people, they want you to do
things when they die with their--

"I want you to take my
ashes and sprinkle--"

Fuck you, I'm not doing
none of that shit.

You're dead.

I'm not going to run errands
for you after you're dead.

You don't matter anymore.

Some people try to do something
noble with their bodies.

They try to have their bodies
have some use after they're dead,

which I think is a good thought.

You're only borrowing your body.

You're only borrowing everything.

If you're body's worth anything
when you're done with it

you should pass it on.

That's something I really believe.

I mean, I'm not going
to do it, because

I don't want--eew--it's mine.
I don't want--

I have a lot of beliefs

and I live by none of them.

That's just the way I am.

They're just my beliefs.

I just like believing them.

I like that part.

They're my little believies.
They make me feel good
about who I am.

But if they get in the
way of a thing I want

or I want to jack off or
something, I fucking do that.

But--

But some people take their--
my grandma, uh, grandmother

She--just, uh, for the layman--

My grandmother,

she gave her body to
a medical school

for it just to be
examined and disected,

which is a good thought for that.

But you know her survivors
are--her family---

That was a person.

That was my grandmother.
She used to wear glasses
and say things.

And now she's just shaved
head on a metal table

with a hungover medical student
trying to dig our her pancreas.

And he gets an "F".

Imagine being the body where
the kid got an "F" on you.

The teacher's like,
"No, you idiot."

And he writes "F" on her tit
with a Sharpie and just

throws her down a shoot
on a pile of "F" bodies.

So, I don't care about her.
[shout from audience] Louis!
Shut up, idiot.

Just shut your fucking mouth.

Didn't you hear me before?

Okay, so what am I going to do
with my body. I'm going to die

and I have to tell people
what to do with my remains.

I have an idea for something
to do with my body

or for other people to do with it,
that will do good in the world.

It doesn't exist yet
as an institution

but I'm gonna create it,
starting with my body.

What it is, it's a place
where you can go

and be with a dead body

and you just do
whatever you want.

And--

the point of this

is that there are people out there

who have sexual compulsions
and they can't control them

and so they go and they
bother alive people.

And with this you get it
out of your system.

This is the deal.
You go in the room.
There's nobody else with you.

You've got 90 minutes.
You just do whatever you
want, whatever it is.

Shit in my mouth.

You want to--

Stick my toe in your pussy.
Piss on my face.

Whatever is the thing you gotta do.

Jack off with the cartilage of my ear.

Whatever is your heart's desire.

I want to be the Willy Wonka
for perverts.

[singing] You can come on my back
and pretend that I'm your father.

[singing] I am dead, I don't mind.

Sexual perversion is a problem.

You can't stop it.
People gotta do what they gotta do.

This country is pretty perverted.

We have to jack off to everything.

There's not sex and then everything.
Sex is in everything.

You watch the news and
there's a woman telling you,

"And in Libya..."

Yeah tell me about Libya.
Fucking tell me about Libya.

Say, "Libya" again.

Come on, fucking right up to
the screen, on my flatscreen.

Come on, say, "Libya" again.

[grunting]

It should just be a person,
"In Libya..." or whatever.

Why does it all have
to be so sexualized?

And music, every
musician is attractive.

Isn't that a weird coincidence

that everyone who can play
music also looks good?

I would have thought there'd
be one ugly guy with a guitar
who would be amazing.

But, fucking zero.

And there's teen pop idols
who are children.

And they're on TV going--

It's a kid

and folks are jacking off to them.

"Folks."
Just "Folks" are jacking off.

[singing] Well, folks are jacking
off to the girls on TV.

Some of them are really young.
I don't know their names.

I don't have that
knowledge anymore.

I'm too old.

When I think of a teen idol,
there's Britney Spears.

Because she's my age now.

That's how long ago that was.

She caught up to me.

When I was 35, she was 18.
And now we're both 44 years old.

So that's how little I know about
who these people are.

I was thinking the other day,

what if there was a
baby who was born

and there's been a lot of fucked up
babies, all kinds of babies born.

There's been babies
connected at the face,

to a dog or whatever,

babies with three legs,

with hands on them.

There's been

Chinese babies.

That's--

Okay, that's--

That's the worst thing I ever said.

I think I just finally said

the worst thing I have ever said.

That was totally
unredeeming and horrible.

And it feels good.

It feels good to have
found bottom.

There's a comfort in knowing

that I just said the worst thing I'll
ever say in the rest of my life.

[exhaling]
It's good.

All right.

Yeah, I'm not a good guy.

I am not.

I wish I was a good guy.

I like the idea of being
a good guy.

Sometimes I have the opportunity
to be a good guy and then I
don't necessarily do it.

I was on a plane once and
I was flying first class,

because I had a thing.

I first class.
Who cares?

Just-- That's the way it is.

I don't-- I'm not like you.

I'm not. I'm not.

All the things you do, I do a
better version of all those things.

And--

It's only for another year at
the most, believe me.

It's not gonna last.

It's been about eight months.
I've got a year left and then I'm
back to being just like you.

But for now, it's pretty good.

I'm in a first class seat and
first class is so crazily better.

It's so much better.

You get a bigger seat.
You get food.

But also, you get to sit first.

You get to sit before
anybody else does.

They sit you down and you get
to just sit there with champagne

and watch all the sweaty,

miserable,

all the single moms hefting
their stroller and the kid.

"That looks heavy and nobody's
helping you. That's a drag."

And you get to just--

Anyway, so I'm on the plane.
I'm in first class

and this soldier gets on the plane.

I see soldiers fly all the time

because that's how they
get to the war.

They fly on a shitty airline.

You think they get to go on a
cool green plane with a red light.

"Go! Go! Go!"

No, they just go to Delta.

And they just

wait in line to go to a war.

And they always fly coach.

I've never seen a soldier in
first class in my life.

It could be a full bird colonel,

he's between two fat
guys in coach.

And they're always nice.

I've never seen a soldier
get on a plane--
"Hey, I'm in the Army."

"Fuck you. I have a gun."

They're always, "Oh, yes sir.
Thank you very much ma'am."

It's like having an extra flight attendant.
They help everybody put their shit up.

They're awesome.

And every time that I see a
soldier on a plane, I always think,

You know what,
I should give him my seat.

It would be the right thing to do.
It would be easy to do and it
would mean a lot to him.

I could go up to him, "Hey, Son."
I get to call him, "Son."

"Hey, son, go ahead
and take my seat."

Because I'm in first class, why,
for being a professional asshole.

I'm in first class because I talk
about babies with big dicks.

That's what got me my seat.

This guy is giving his life
for the country, he thinks,
and so he has to sit--

But that's good enough.
That's good enough,

the fact that he thinks it.

I'm serious.

He's fucking told by everybody
in his life system

that that's a great thing
to do and he's doing it.

And it's scary but he's doing it.

And he's sitting in this shitty seat
and I should trade with him.

I never have.
Let me make that clear.

I've never done it once.

I've had so many opportunities.

I never even really,
seriously came close.

And here's the worst part.

I still just enjoy the fantasy

for myself to enjoy.

I was actually proud of myself

for having thought of it.

I was proud.

Ah, I am such a sweet man.

That is so nice of me

to think of that and then
totally never do it.

At least you should be good
just to the people--

Just turn a good face to the
people that you see in life.

I don't do that either

because when I get in the
elevator in my building--

That's my first contact
with human beings after

being home and just being
disgusting for hours.

Then I come out of the elevator
and there's always a guy on
the elevator who's nice.

And I hate it.

I get really upset when people
say nice things to me.

That's not a good impulse.

I get in the elevator and there's
always this one guy who just--

He sticks his face right in the
front of his fucking head.

"Hi!" He just floats it out
there like a big balloon.

"Hey, how's it going?"

I get upset.
I get cagey.

I get this weird impulse that
I want to come on his face.

I don't know why that's the thing,

but that's what I think about.

I wish I could just secrete come
without the sexual workup,

like as a defense,
like a squid or a skunk.

Not sexually. I mean agressively.

"Hi!"
[spurt]

"Jesus, man."

"You just came in my eye."

I just want to go downstairs.
I don't want to talk.

Alright, this is going a little off the
rails. I don't remember what I was

trying to say.

I'd like to be a better person.

I would.

I'd like to be a better person.

And I think I'm getting
worse as a person.

Because as you get older
you start finding out--

Let me give you an example.

I rented a car a couple weeks
ago, in Los Angeles

I had the car for a few days

and then when I went home I had
to drop the car at the rental place.

You gotta go to the rental place
that's off the airport,

give them the car, give them
your thing with the mileage.

You gotta get on a bus and then
go to your terminal and check in.

I was late and I was worried
about missing my flight.

So I knew I had no time
to do any of that.

So I just
--I never did this before--
I just drove my car

right to the terminal
and just left it there.

Then I got on the plane.

Once I got on the plane and
had a moment I called
Hertz and I said,

Hey, listen, your car is sitting
out in front of terminal four

and the keys are in it.
So, that's where it is."

And the guy's like,
"You can't do that."

"You have to return it to
the location and then get--"

Well, I didn't do that already,
and now I'm leaving California.

So if you want your car you need
to go to that place where it is.

And he was like,
"Awww, Jesus man."

"Well, alright. We'll get it."

And he-- That was the end of it.

And I realized I could
do this every time,

every time I rented a car.

Because of course they want
you to do all that shit.

But if you don't they
still want the car back.

They're going to send a dude.

You could drive a car until
you don't want it.

Just get out of it while it's
moving and just walk away.

No, I don't feel like being
in that car any longer.

Just call Hertz.
Hi, your car is drifting into the
intersection of 28th and Broadway,

if you're interested.
It's now your problem.

But see, this is a
terrible realization

because you should act in a way

that if everybody acted that
way things would work out.

You should, because it would be
mayhem if everybody was like that.

And most people kind of don't care.

Most people are very selfish.

Most people don't give
a shit what happens

as long as they get to
do their favorite thing.

People don't even want to back
off from their favorite thing.

They won't even do their
second favorite thing.

You ever seen somebody in trouble,

like they're at an intersection
and they want to make a left,

but they're in the right--
the all the way right lane

because they messed up.

So, here's the guy.
He's in the right lane.

And there's a lot cars,
like 6th avenue.
A lot of cars.

And he wants to make that left.

So what does he do?
He just does it anyway.

He just goes at it.

He just shoves his car

through everybody's life

without any--

And everybody's honking and
outraged and you always
see they guy go,

"I have to. I have to."

"There's no other possible
thing I could do."

"What else could I do, except
go up one more block

and then go left and
take four seconds."

"That's not my favorite way, though!"

"That only meets 99% of my criteria."

But I'm selfish.

I would like to be a better person,
because I have kids.

And I want to pass on a better--

Sometimes it's not clear what
the right thing is to do.

One time I threw a candy
wrapper on the street.

I didn't do it like, "Yeah!"

I just--

Yeah, take that shit, street.

I did it because I was shaking.
I wanted the candy.

Anyway, I was with a friend

who said to me, "You just littered
on the street. Don't you care
about the environment?"

And I thought about it and I said,
You know what, this
isn't 'The Environment'.

This is New York City.

This is not 'The Environment'.

This is where people live.

New York City is not the environment.
New York City is a giant piece of litter.

It's the giantest, next to Mexico
City, the shittiest piece of litter

in the world.

Just a pussy, runny, smoking,

stinking piece of litter.

So if you have a piece of litter,

what are you supposed
to do with it?

You should throw it
on the pile of litter.

Because if you don't,
if you put it in a receptacle

then it gets collected and
it gets taken to a dump

and a landfill and then
it goes on a boat.

And it goes out and gets
dumped in the ocean and

some dolphin wears it
as a hat on its face

for ten years, this hat that
never dissolves, on its face.

Ugh.

Jesus.

[dolphin clicking]

Everything that we introduce

to the world is shitty...

...meaning white people.

Because--

I really think that white people
are from another planet

because when we came to
America, it was so nice.

It was just Indians.

And they weren't even Indians.

We called them that by accident.

And we still call them that.

We knew in a month
that it wasn't Indians

but we just don't give a shit.

We never correct it.

We came here.
They're like, "Hi."

And we're like,
"Hey, you're Indians, right?"

And they're like, "No."

"No, this is India, right?"

"No, it's not. It's a totally other place."

"You're not Indians?"

"No."

"Ahh, you're Indians."

"You're Indians for hundreds
of years after."

We ruined everything here.
This was the great--

It was just coast-to-coast
green, brown and beautiful.

And all the humans were
just walking around

with painted faces,
just walking.

And they'd be like,
"Oh, that looks yummy."

And they'd just eat from the ground.

And then they'd sleep on the grass.

And they'd wake up and they'd fuck.

And then they'd go for a swim
and do a little dance.

That was the whole continent,

just folks doing that.

I mean there was people in
Mexico cutting off kids' heads

and rolling them down
the pyramid stairs.

But that's--

I mean...

That's always going on.

You know--

You can't do a whole
lot about that.

But I think we came
from another planet

and the reason is we
don't like it here.

Why, if we're from here,

if we belong on Earth,

why aren't we comfortable

on Earth, at all?

We need nice smooth surfaces

and right angles and we
need it to be cool

and not too hot, just a
little dit-dit just perfect.

Why wouldn't, when it's hot,
why wouldn't we just--

"Yeah, fuck it."

Why wouldn't we be like
that if we belonged here?

And it's weird because
people that are--

You know, there's
environmentalists

and there's people who
just hate environmentalists.

People get angry
at environmentalists

because they think they're
slowing down the economy

and creating restrictions and a lot
of these people are Christian.

A lot of these people are
very devout Christians

and that's such a
confusing thing to me,

that if you believe that
God gave you the Earth,

that God created Earth for you,

why would you not
have to look after it?

Why the fuck--

Why would you not think that when
he came back he wouldn't go,

"What the fuck did you do?"

"I gave this to you, motherfucker.
Are you crazy?"

"The polar bears are brown."

"What did you do to the polar bears?"

"Did you shit all over
every polar bear?"

"What did you--who did this?
Who spilled this shit?
Who spilled this?"

"Come over here. Did you
fucking spill this? What is that?"

"It's oil. It's just some oil.
I didn't mean to spill--"

"Well why did you take it
out of the fucking ground?"

"Because I wanted to go faster."

"I'm not fast enough."

"And I was cold."

"What the fuck do you mean, 'cold'?"

"I gave you everything you
needed, you piece of shit."

"Well, because jobs, and I wanted--"

"What is a job? Explain to me,
what's a fucking job?"

"Well, like you work at a
place and people call

when their game doesn't work
and you help them figure it out."

"What do you do that for?"

"For money."

"What do you need money for?"

"Food."

"Just eat the shit on the floor."

"I left shit all over the floor."

"Fucking corn and wheat and shit.
Grind it up, make some bread.
What are you doing?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't have,
like, bacon around it."

"And like-- I like when it
has bacon on it."

I watched somebody do that the
other day after a meal they went,
"Oh, it was just--"

And I started wondering,
what does that mean?
What does that signify?

I think what it means is that you
ate something so delicious

that you then kissed
somebody on the asshole

and their asshole exploded.

That's some good eating.

That's a nice sauce.

"Is that good?"

"Yeah, let me show you."

"Shit. Let me have some of that."

That just destroyed my anus.

Anyway, I got kids and

that's sort of what I'm trying to say.

It's hard having kids
because it's boring.

That really is the hardest
part of having kids.

Ask any parent, What's the hard part?
Is it looking after their health care?

Is it making sure that their education--

No, it's being with them on the floor

while they be children.

It's just--

They read Clifford the
Big Red Dog to you

at a rate of 50 minutes a page.

And you have to sit there

and be horribly proud and bored

at the same time.

I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog.

I hate him.

There's 50 books about
Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Fifty books.

There's seven books about Narnia

that cover the birth and death of a nation

and mice with swords

and a lion who's a god.

They did it in seven books.

Fifty books about
Clifford the Big Red Dog,

and they all tell the exact same story.

Look how big this dog is.

That's it.

Look how big this dog is.

That's the whole book.

Here's how big he was at the firehouse.

Here's how big he was at Thanksgiving.

Who gives a shit?
You just drew him big.

You just, on purpose, made
him bigger than people.

It should be, "Look how big
I drew the dog in this book."

"Isn't that a mistake?"

There's no story.

You maybe even just drew him
closer to the page. I don't even
know if you did it honestly.

Tell a story about Clifford.

Make something happen, where
maybe he steps on a policeman

and shatters his spine and it's
devastating to the community.

He hangs on for two months and then dies.

And there's a whole, you know,

funeral with bagpipes and
everybody's crying.

And Clifford gets the death penalty.

There's a whole book about
his appeal process and how

he found Jesus but everybody
said it was bullshit.

The cop's wife was like,
"I want that dog dead!"

And then he goes to the chair
and they shave all his red
fur off and now he's

Clifford the Big Pink Dog.

Put him on a big funny electric
chair that the town got
together and built.

It's boring having kids.
You gotta play kid games.

You gotta play board games,
little kid board games where you--

And then you go dit-dit-dit

You got a six, honey.

One.

Two.

Three.

It's just here. Just go here. It's just--

Daddy, I'm learning.

I know. You're going to grow up
stupid because I'm bored. I
can't take it, baby. I can't.

I can't watch it.

I'm bored more than I love you.
I can't. I just--

Come on.

My girls are six and nine now.

They're actually a really exciting
age because they're learning
to do some cool stuff.

I played Monopoly with my kids.
That's really fun.

My nine year old, she can
totally do Monopoly.

The six year old actually totally
gets how the game works

but she's not emotionally
developed enough

to handle her inevitable loss

in every game of Monopoly.

Because, a Monopoly loss is dark.

It's heavy.

It's not like when you lose at Candyland.

Oh, you got stuck in the fudgey
thing, baby. Oh, well.

You're in the gummy twirly-ohs
and you didn't get to win.

But when she loses at Monopoly I
gotta look at her little face and go,

Okay, sweetie, here's what's
gonna happen now, okay?

All your property,
everything you have,

all your railroads, your houses,

all your money,

that's mine now.

Gotta give it all to me.

No, give it to me. That's right.

No, no you can't play
anymore, see, because

even though you're giving me all of that

it doesn't even touch how
much you owe me.

It doesn't even touch it, baby.

You're going down hard. It's really bad.

All you've been working for all day,

I'm going to take it now

and I'm going to use it to
destroy your sister.

I mean, I'm going to ruin her.

It's just mayhem on this
board for her now.

When you have kids you also have to

belong to kid and parent culture.

You have to know a lot of parents
and a lot of other kids.

You have to hang out
with other kids.

Sometimes they're not
even kids you know.

When I go to parks with my
kids, I play with them.

I play with my kids.

Some people don't do that.

They just take their kids to the park
so they don't have to talk to them,

and those kids kind of
glom on to our shit.

I'll be sitting at the park playing
a fun game with my kids

and there's this woman on a
bench. She's got her phone

and she's just staring at her phone.

And her kid's like, "Mommy, talk to me."

"Leave me alone. I'm trying to cheat on your father! Stop it!"

And then the kid comes up to us,
"Can I be in your family?"

It's creepy.

One time I was at a swimming
pool with my kids, a public pool.

I had my daughter, my six
year old, on my arm like this.

She was like clamped on, and
she's kicking. It was so much fun.

And then she got off and another
random child just clamped on.

It's like a rat. Get off of me.

"But I love you."

I don't know you, kid. Stop.

I think that kid's dead. I don't
know what happened.

Some kids in my kid's class,
I like some of those kids.

Some of those kids are cool. They
come over to my house and they
play with my--I like them.

Other kids I don't like,

especially the little boys.

Little boys in my kid's class,
I hate them. I hate little boys.

I'm like the opposite of a
pedophile. I just hate--

There's one kid in my daughter's
class who I hate so much,

and it's really fucked up because I'm 44

and I hate a six year old.

I mean, I hate him

with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate.

I've thought about him three
times since I came out here.

That's how much I really hate this kid.

I'm going to tell you about him and
I have to make up a name
because he's a real child

who lives in this city, so I have to

make up a name in order to
tell this story about him.

His name is just, Jezanthepuss.

Let's just call him Jezanthepuss.
Jezanthepuss. Fine.

Okay.

He's in my daughter's class.
They're in first grade.

When we take our kids to class,
there's a little procedure.

You bring your kid to school and
they have their backpack
and their jacket

and they go to their cubby
and take it all off and they
put it in the cubby.

Then they take their homework
folder and their lunchbox

and put them in the bins.

Those are their little responsibilities.

You help them do it so
they'll, blah blah blah.

But, Jezanthepuss--

When he comes in he doesn't
do none of that shit.

He just walks in and just sheds it all.

And his mom, his weak, piece of shit mom

picks it all up.

I hate his mother

because you hate a weak
parent, when you're a parent.

Because it's like you're raising
Hitler, motherfucker. Do your job!

Get in there.

If our parent group and our class
were a platoon of soldiers,

she'd be the one that we'd
put soap bars in socks and--

We'd frag that bitch in her sleep.

She would wash right the fuck out.

She wouldn't make it.

When Jezanthepuss drops his shit,

this bitch picks it up.

She just goes,

"He just... I'll get..."

"I'll get it..."

"And then I'll put it in the bins for him."

And she puts it all away for him,
which frees him up to punch
other kids in the face

because he's a shitty,
horrible, violent child.

One time I was at school,

and I was volunteering at recess.

It's something you do, you know,

if you're a good parent,

about once a month
or whatever it is.

You go to school

and you just stand there
and you watch recess.

You masturbate, whatever
you want to do.

That is now the worst thing.
That's the worst thing.

Now that's the worst thing I
ever said. Okay. Alright.

We'll find it.

I mean you could. It's a public
school nobody would even give a shit.

But, I haven't thus far.
It hasn't gotten that bad.

Anyway, I'm watching recess
and recess is a trip.

If you've never been to recess,

it's intense because it's
like the universe.

You know if you watch the ocean crash,

waves on the beach for a long time,

you start feeling like you're
understanding how everything works.

That's what recess is like, because
every natural, chaotic energy

is represented at recess.

There's kids swirling around in
these big roiling crazy things.

There's one kid just spazzing
out just to some singularity kid.

It's a binary system of two
kids holding hands

and they're running and just
clotheslining every child
of a certain height.

They're keeping a uniform
height to the playground.

So I'm watching recess

and I see Jezanthepuss.

And he's walking with this evil--

This kid is like evil stuck out of time.

He's like--

I always picture him in a gray
fur coat with bones in it,

and lots of rings from people
that he killed, and just walking.

And then I see my daughter and
she's standing there, just by herself.

And there's Jezanthepuss and
I know he's going for her.

It was like an action movie thriller thing.

And I think to myself, I gotta go
there and I gotta protect her.

But then I thought, let him do
a little something first.

Let him do just a little something,

because I want this kid in my life.

I want a reason.

I want aerial photos of him
doing some shit to my family

that I can bring to the U.N.

and get authority to waterboard
this little motherfucker.

I want to--

I want to get him on a
flight to Venezuela

with an envelope on his head
and duct tape and all that shit.

So, anyway, he goes for her,
grabs her arm, starts twisting it.

She goes, "Ahhh!"

I run over. I'm just knocking kids over.

I run, grab him.

I look in his little face and I go,

Listen to me, Jezanthepuss.

If you ever,

ever, in your life,

touch her again--

And as I'm doing this I realize

this is not cool that doing this.

This is totally inappropriate.

It's really wrong.

It's way over the top.

It's too grown up.

It's like he's a drug dealer in
my building that I finally fucking--

"This ends now, motherfucker
or I will cut you. I don't care."

And he's--

He starts crying pitifully.

And I just, I really did this, I just
walked away from him. I just got away.

And then all the teachers--
everybody gathers around.

Jezanthepuss, what's wrong with you?

And he's like--

And he couldn't articulate it

because he's not getting educated.

Fuck him.

I was there going, Yeah, you could
have told on me bitch,

but you're too stupid now,

which is your own fault,

you future ditchdigging piece of shit.

Oh, I'm going to love watching you
grow up into nothing, motherfucker.

I'm gonna watch it.

I'm gonna fuck your mom
and not call her too.

I'm gonna ruin her summer.

I'm gonna fuck your mom twice
and then never call her.

I don't know your dad because he ran
out on you, but I'm gonna find him.

I'm gonna turn myself gay and
then I'm going to fuck him too.

I'm gonna fuck--
I'm gonna suck his dick so good

that he just has to change
his whole life.

And I'm gonna move into a place with
him in the village for a couple
of months and totally--

He'll cut off ties to all his life

and start wearing cut-offs
that are really tight.

And he'll just--

And then I'll go to some Christian
turn-you-not-gay place.

And then I'll come back and go,
"What's wrong with you faggot?"

Make him feel bad inside,
like what has he done.

But you gotta protect your
kids, you know. You gotta.

You gotta protect your kids.

You gotta do it, man.

A lot of people will talk the talk.

A lot of people say that shit.
"I would throw myself under a bus for my--"

Oh, yeah, would you fuck another kid's dad,

and confuse him sexually,
and yourself sexually in the process,

and use homophobia that you
hate, against another person,

just because some kid shoved
your kid for a second?

That's my baby girl. I gotta do it, son.

I gotta suck that dick.
That's my baby girl.
I gotta do it for her.

Alright.

Alright.

Alright, I hate that child.
That's what I'm trying to say.

I've been thinking about my
memories because I have kids now.

And my kids are at an age

where I remember being their age.

I remember being a six year old.

I remember being a nine year old.

And that's a big threshold
that my kids have crossed,

that I remember being their age.

Because when you're raising kids,
you're not raising the kid in front of you.

You're raising the grown up
that they're going to be later.

And I was a kid once.

When they were babies, I didn't really
relate to them because they're babies.

A baby is not going to remember shit

that is happening to it.

If you have a baby, keep it
alive and enjoy yourself.

But really, the baby doesn't--
It's not going to matter.

A baby is not accumulating anything.

It's like an Etch A Sketch
that you shake every day.

It doesn't really--
It doesn't matter.

You could go up to your baby's face
every day and say, "Fuck you, baby."
every day and it wouldn't matter.

Hey, baby!

You could do that every day
and it wouldn't matter.

I mean, they'll grow up with
a general sadness inside.

But they won't--

They won't actually remember why.

And memories are weird because memories
get distorted by who you are now

and who you were when
you experienced them.

I remember when I first
started doing stand-up.

I was living in Boston and there was one
club that was owned by a gay guy.

And my memory is that that guy
was always trying to fuck me.

That's my memory.

I've carried it for 20 years.

There was a gay guy who
tried to fuck me all the time.

And recently I caught up with an old
friend of mine from those days,
who I hadn't seen in years.

And we started talking about different
people and he brought him up.

And I said, "That guy always
used to try to fuck me."

And he goes, "He did?"

And I was like, "Yeah."

And he goes,
"Really? Did he--"

"I mean, did he like take you
to his house or something
and really try to physically..."

No, it's just that, you know what I mean.
He was trying to fuck me all the time."

And he was like, "Well did he
say-- Did he push you--

and say stuff all the time
and make you uncomfortable?"

No, it just was--

And as we went through it,
the truth came out.

The whole story really was,
there once was a gay man.

That's it.

That's really what happened.

He was gay.

I was 19.

And now, "He tried to fuck me all the time."

I went through life with that.

But I've been trying to
remember my first memory.

How far do my memories go?

And I remembered my first memory.

I was four years old.

I was standing in front of my parents' house

and I was shitting in my pants.

I was just shitting a massive,

terribly painful shit.

And I was half way through the shit.
That's my first memory, being half way--

The first half of the shit, I don't remember it.

That's still in the ether of infancy.

The center of this shit was so wide

that I actually came online as a result

of the anal pain that I was experiencing.

It actually awakened me
--Yee-aahhh--

into the stream of consciousness
that I'm now living.

That's how my life started. That's who I am.

A lot of my memories I don't like.

I don't like-- When I was a
teen-ager I hated all that time.

I hated being a teen-ager,

and then I discovered drugs.

And then that's all I gave a shit about.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell my kids.

How the fuck do you compete with that.

How do you take a miserable person
with no control over their lives

and tell them with a straight face,

Uh, You can't do drugs.

You can't do that, baby.

All drugs are, are a perfect solution to
every problem you have right now.

How do you beat that?

Drugs are so fucking good

that they'll ruin your life.

That's how good they are.

I can't do drugs now because I'm 44

and I can't hook it up.
I can't make that happen.

If you're 44 and you want to get
high, you gotta hurt your back.

That's pretty much the
only option you have.

Hurt your back, get some Percoset.

And then get a babysitter
and take three at a diner.

Just, sad.

I'm a little drowsy, woooo!

I never really could have--
I wish I was a drunk.

I love romantically the idea
of being a real drunk,

in my bathrobe all day.

Everybody who love's me is always
crying. "He's destroying himself.
I can't watch anymore."

Shut up then.

Showing up at my kids school
play half way through.

"You show 'em who you are, baby."

I wish I could be that guy.

But I can't drink because I just get tired.

I go to sleep.

I don't know how people
drink and then do shit.

When I see movies or TV shows
where there's people in an office

having a power meeting and they're
--clink clink--

They're making a drink in
the daylight with a tie on.

"Well, Senator, I hope you play ball with us

on this construction deal,
if you know what I'm saying."

"Yeah, we'll see what's in it for me."

How is the next scene not all those people

just lying on the floor going, "Oh, fuck"

"I can't believe I drank whiskey at noon."

I can't smoke pot because-- It's the
same thing. I'm too old for it.

Sometimes young people come
up to me after shows.

"Hey, do you want to smoke some pot."

I'm like, Can I get my portion to smoke
without you, alone, later, because

I don't want to stand in a parking
lot with some twenty year-olds.

Last time I got high I was in Kansas City.

And I got high because I was
in Kansas City. It was shitty.

So after the show,

these kids that worked at
the club were like, "You
want to smoke some pot?"

I'm like, "Yes."

So, I'm standing in a
parking lot with these kids,

like 20 years old, and
we're smoking a joint.

And I'm taking huge hits
because I had no idea.

I didn't know they had been working on
this shit like it's the cure for cancer.

I didn't understand the fucking technology
that's gone into making pot so powerful.

Because when I was a kid you could
just smoke a joint for a while.

Now you take two hits and you go insane.

It's not doable anymore.

And I was taking big hits, like big 1970's,

jean jacket, Bad Company hits.

[singing] Here come the
Jesters, one, two, three.

[singing] It's all part of my fantasy.

And I'm like, "Yeah"

And even the kid with the wooden

hole of no ear

the absense of flesh in
his ear, with wood.

I don't know what that is.

Even he was like,

"You should be careful. That's a lot
of pot. That's very strong marijuana."

Yeah, I'm fine.

[singing] "Running with the devil."

And in about ten seconds, everything just--

And I'm like, "Oh, shit."

This is an ordeal now.

I'm not going to feel okay
for a very long time.

[sigh]

And everybody's just standing
around and talking.

And I'm hoping,

I'm really hoping,

that I look like this.

But I'm pretty sure

that I was just scanning insanely.

I was actually counting.

Look at her for five...

four...

three...

two...

...one.
Switch to him.

Five...

four...

three...

...two. Randomize. Don't
go in the same direction.

Five...

four...

...three. Nod your head. That looks like
you're listening if you nod your head.

And at one point I realized,
I need to get out of here,

because the air is hitting my
arm weirdly and they can tell.

They totally know

that I am not handling the way
air is touching my arm right now.

Why am I doing that with my hand.
That's weird to do with your hand.

Nobody stands like this.
Nobody stands like this.

Just fucking--
No, that's also--

That's weird too.
That's crazy.

Just--

Shit.

I gotta go.

But I didn't know how to leave,
because I had this dilema.

We're all standing in a perfect
circle, facing each other.

And I thought it's going to be
insane if I just turn my--

I'm one person with my back now.

Do I just back away like this

and hope that they fill in?

And then I thought, no, say something.

Say something out loud to them that
smooths the transition of you leaving.

Okay, what do I say? Pick a
thing to say. Goodbye.

That's a nightmare.
That's just...

Goodbye?

That's not even-- that's just noises.

Finally I walked away and
I said, "I'm leaving!"

I know it was that bad

because they all went, "Whoa.
Shit. Okay. Alright. Whoa."

I'll never see those people
again as long I live.

And then I had to get in the car.
I forgot that I had rented a car

and I have to drive back to the hotel.

And I'm driving on this highway in Missouri.

And at one point I realized,

I think it's been about 25 minutes

since I had looked out the
front window of this car.

I've just been dealing
with shit directly in--

Oh, shit.

There's a whole spectrum of
responsibility out here.

I'm supposed to take part in this.

And then at one point I remember
I was at a drive through,

and I was terrified.

Because there's a lady sticking
her head out a window.

And she's mad. She's going, "Sir!"

"Sirrr!"

I just kept saying,
I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know!

I had the window closed.
I had no fucking idea.

What part of the transaction am I--?

Did I pay yet? Have I ordered?

Have I been sitting here for
40 minutes just eating

at the window, and I ate the
paper and everything?

"Sirrr!"

And I just went,
I don't know! I don't want it!

And I just fucking bolted.

So I can't do that anymore.

But you get older and some
things you can't do anymore.

Some things you don't
want to do anymore.

It's a nice change.

You feel some desires fall away.

New things make you happy.

But some things don't change
and some things I'm sick of.

Like the constant

just the constant

perverted, sexual thoughts.

I'm so tired of those.

Just the constant--

Suck it.

It just makes me into an idiot.

I'm jacking off to morons.

"Look at my tits."

Yeah, your tits are awesome.

It's just a dumb part of
life that I'm sick of.

It's all day too.

It's just--
You can't have a day.

I just want to be a person in clothes
walking in a store and just--

I just want to go to the
library and ask for--

Hi, ma'am, is there-- I'm
looking for a book about

early Abraham Lincoln,
like when he was--

I wish I could wrap your hair
around my dick and--

Oh, shit.

I'm trying to talk to her!

[sigh]

That's really a male problem.

It's really a male problem, not being able
to control your constant sexual impulse.

Women try to compete.

"Well, I'm a pervert. You don't know."

"I have really sick sexual thoughts."

No, you have no idea.

You have no idea.

See, you get to have those thoughts.

I have to have them.

You're a tourist in sexual perversion.

I'm a prisoner there.

You're Jane Fonda on a tank.

I'm John McCain in the hut.

It's a nightmare.

I can't lift my arms.

And for men, sex just is
such a constant thing.

It's not even sex to us. It's just pussy.

That's what we call it.

Pussy... it has nothing to do with women.

It's not about girls or chicks
like it was in the 50's.

There's no guys anywhere
in the world saying,

"Let's go meet some chicks and kiss them
on the mouth and see what happens."

There's none of that.

"Mmmm, I sure would like to
have my arm around a girl."

"Mmmm, Vanessa, I love--"

No, it's not.

It's just

pussy.

Pussy.

It's not even a pussy.

It's not some peoples' pussies.

It's just pussy.

Like big pink balloon letters in
front of our faces all the time.

To men it's just an
element of the universe,

like it should be on the
chart of the elements

next to tin and ammonia.

P-y with an atomic weight of 12
or whatever pussy atoms weigh.

The sad thing is that for all our obsession
about sex and how much we love it,

we suck at it.

Men are terrible at sex.

It never even occurs to us to do it well.

Women just make sex great.

Women are the good part of sex.

They accept the dick with grace

and they turn it into art.

Or they climb on and they ride.

They go for a ride.

Men don't. We just climb on.

[grunting]

I'm putting my dick in you.

Put it in.

Shove it in.

Shove it.

[grunting]

You ever fuck when you're out of shape?

You're like, "Ugh, shit. This is--"

My stomach muscles are not strong.

[grunting]

We're so bad at sex

and then we wonder why women
aren't really aggressive about sex.

We think it's because they don't
have as much desire as we do.

That's how stupid men are.

We think they're just weird.

"Women are fucked up in the head,

because they don't want to
just fuck all the time."

"If I was a women, I'd
just fuck everybody."

"Why don't they want to
fuck all the time? I do."

Of course you do, because when
you fuck, you get to fuck a woman.

When she fucks, she has to fuck a guy.

Wildly different experience.

For a man, 100% of the time
he's fucking a woman

it's the greatest thing that ever
happened in his entire life.

For a woman, about 40% of the time she's
being fucked by a guy she's thinking,

"I'll get over this in a week.
It's not the worst thing."

"I'm not going to cry this time."

Another thing that proves how bad men
are at sex is that after sex you're
looking at two very different people.

The man just wants to lay there
and be cool and the woman
wants to cuddle.

It's something that men love
to make fun of women for.

"They always want to cuddle.
It's so needy."

"I already fucked you.
Just let me watch the game."

"I'm so cool."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Shut up. Leave me alone."

"Why is she so needy?"

She's not needy, you idiot.

She's horny, because you
did nothing for her.

You did absolutely nothing.

Her pussy is on fire

because it's gone unfucked completely.

Of course you're fine, because
you climbed on and went--

and then rolled off.

And she's on you because she's going,

"What the--? Something
else has to happen!"

"This is bullshit!"

If you fuck a woman well
she will leave you alone.

"Thanks a lot, buddy."
[snoring]

Thanks a lot, folks.
I hope you enjoyed the show.

You guys were great.
Thank you very very much.

Good night.

[end of subtitles]